I was flipping through the channels fairly late one night, and I happened upon an infomercial that was actually more of a televangelmercial. Or something.

The televangelist was Peter Popoff, and the thing he was selling was Miracle Spring Water.

I say selling because he wasn t actually selling it . He was giving it away if you called in and asked for it. You can also obtain it through his website [beware - there's audio] by filling out a simple form.

Recently, I filled out the form and got the miracle spring water . First, though, I d like to talk about Peter Popoff a bit.

Peter Popoff is a televangelist a faith healer much like Benny Hinn, except Peter Popoff has been busted much harder than I ve ever seen Hinn get busted.

Peter Popoff s thing was that he was getting messages from God about people voices in his head, or some shit, telling him about the people in his audience and their ailments. It turned out [thanks to James Randi] that God sounds an awful lot like Popoff s wife speaking to him through one of those little in-ear radio things. She d read off things from cards the audience filled out prior to the show, and Peter would come off sounding like John Edwards having a really good day.

I believe what Peter Popoff was doing is commonly called hot reading , or, more commonly, fraud .

Anyway, his ministry was fucked, but he s back. I ve seen his informericals on both Court TV and Comedy Central.

There s something funny about that, isn t there?

Where was I .

Oh yes, Popoff s current Faith Healing thing.

I went to his website last month, filled out his little request form, and waited.

Eventually, an envelope showed up --

so I got out the camera and started taking pictures. Actually, there was some downtime between the getting and the pictures because my computer was completely fucked twice between getting it and writing this.You ll just have to trust me when I say that I didn t actually do anything but open both envelopes and read the stuff inside. And laugh a lot. And cover up all instances of my address when I scanned all this stuff .

Anyway I opened it --

--and found a pretty purple letter, an envelope with fake handwriting all over it, and a reply envelope that asked me to please use a stamp if I had one, but if I didn t, then he d pay for it.Since the purple letter asked me to not do anything until I read it, well, I went ahead and read it. I also scanned it, and retyped it for easier reading, with little notes in [brackets] whenever I thought I needed them to indicate some part of formatting that I'd recreate if I could, but couldn't think of a way to do it in a few seconds.

...and then I had second thoughts about the retyping, and realised that I should go through and respond as I wanted to right then...otherwise, I'd have a really, REALLY long post and that would just be wrong....

You can view a scan of each page by clicking on the links to them I ll include a link before each new page.

By the way each of the letter scan images somewhere around 1700x2400, but under 400kb. Largish. Actually, they re the size they scanned at. I left them that way so that they might be a little easier to read. Parts of this letter just have to be seen as they are .

Purple Letter Page 1

[Insert Name] our prayer center received your phone call

..but, I filled out a form on your website. The form on your website dials a phone and reads things to you?

I have been praying on your behalf non-stop ever since the operator gave me your name.

Okay...it calls and reads things to your operators? Because I really, really didn't call. If you're going to send out form letters, you should have two -- one for your website, and one for your phonecalls.

[Insert Name], did I spell that correctly?

Wow, your form letter sounds so concerned. Did this technology come as part of the package you purchased that allowed you to write forms on your website that call operators?

When you called perhaps you thought it was by accident

Yeah. It was an amazing accident. See, I tripped and fell on my phone and it magically dialed your number...oh, wait, no, I FILLED OUT A FORM ONLINE!

I feel that A HIGHER POWER directed you to call.

I feel like saying anything else about the form I filled out would be beating a dead horse...except now there's a higher power involved. Now I get it. The form on Peter Popoff's website is a direct email line to god! And it's one of god's 'higher powers' that calls into his operators and gets in touch with him.

I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU SO PLEASE READ ON.

Importance is equal to how big the letters are...and how bold. Of course. All caps plus bold means really, really important. So please, read on. And try to keep from playing the really fun 'count the ellipses misuses' game....

November 30, 2005

Dear [Insert Name], it is not unusual for God to send those with HARD CASES to me.

I'm pretty sure all of my cases are soft, though. Hell, I'm not even sure I have any cases....

No disrespect to anyone but in my spirit I feel you ve tried to get help before, but to no avail.

Was he expecting that this would be read by more than one person? Anyone? You have? I'm lost here.

Many are not anointed to deal with DIFFICULT CASES .

Peter Popoff, however, is especially anointed through radio technology and the replacing of 'hard' with 'difficult'.

Perhaps this anointing is so strong upon me because I have PERSONALLY overcome some of the same challenges you are now facing in my own life.

Does this mean that James Randi is going to expose me as a fraud on national television? What'd I do to deserve this?

[Insert Name], in my prayer time, God showed me some of the HARD THINGS you are now dealing with.

...the only 'hard thing' I'm dealing with right now is the banishing of this horrible mental image of Peter Popoff's mental image of a generic person running, screaming through a field of assorted dildos....

God gave me this word for you... FEAR NOT, MY Child, [Insert Name], THE HARD THINGS YOU ARE NOW FACING WILL SOON BE A THING OF THE PAST... FOR DURING THE NEXT SEVERAL MONTHS I WILL USE MY PROPHET TO LEAD THEE INTO DELIVERANCE... AND REVEAL UNTO THEE THE STEPS OF FAITH THAT WILL BREAK ALL EVIL HOLDS ON YOUR LIVES AND RELEASE MIRACLES OF LOVE, SUCCESS, NEW HEALTH AND JOYOUS LIVING UNTO THEE.

All that is 'a word'? It must be important...it seems like a really big word. And it's in all caps...but it's not in bold, so it's not really, really important....

Why does god have such crappy grammar? And why does he write exactly like Peter Popoff...or whoever wrote this letter for Peter Popoff?

Well, as you can see you have made the right new contact.

Yeah. I can see that. I've certainly been looking to fill the position of nutty televangelist with a bad reputation who types letters with random strings of caps in bold and italics....

IMPORTANT: Notice the sealed envelope... DO NOT OPEN IT JUST YET...

Oops.

the packet of water you requested is inside... and... also a powerful prophecy for you.

Goodie goodie. I can't wait.

But FIRST you must read this entire letter:

Okay, okay, I'm reading. But, how will you know if I don't do everything in the right order? I mean, really? Is there a magical switch inside the envelope that counts down from...something to something and if I open it before that time is up it sends a big angry buzzer sound to you through your magical GodOperator? Are there pixies inside? I better open it right now in case there are...because I wouldn't want to be responsible for the death of pixies....

[Insert Name], By God s direction I ve undertaken this assignment of defeating these HARD THINGS in your life that are now holding you back...

I have a hard, difficult case with hard things that are holding me back. And a mind that's constantly in the gutter, except now I'm thinking 'restraints' for some reason, and that ain't good.

I am so certain that as you OBEY GOD IN FAITH... YOU WILL ACHIEVE SUCCESS AND GET THE RESULTS YOU WANT WITH GOD S HELP.

WOW! REALLY? I don't know what you just said, but DAMN it sure looks IMPORTANT!

The faith in my heart is saying to you, [Insert Name], during the next few weeks you can become prosperous, more joyous than ever before, understand and know your future, and live a life filled to overflowing with love and happiness.

...did your heart write this letter? Now I've got this mental image of a strange, diseased little heart typing away at a computer....

Maybe I really DO need help.

I took your name, anointed it and commanded evil spirits... to bow to the Power of Almighty God. In Jesus Name, I speak to witchcraft and all evil and command it to recede.

He anointed my name and speaks to witchcraft. Who is witchcraft? Does he have witchcraft on speed dial? And does all this 'commanding of evil spirits' and speaking to witchcraft and evil cause the strange problems with '...'?

THROUGH THIS MIGHTY TIME OF PRAYER...

BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!

The Grace and Favor of God has been restored to you...

But how? I have The Grace and Favor of God Restore turned off to save space....

BUT, we must work to restore the power, peace, health and prosperity that satan has stolen from you.

That sneaky bastard satan, always stealing health.

God has revealed to me in an awesome, SECRET VISION... things that I MUST SHARE with you at this time.

Note to self: Peter Popoff can't keep a secret.

[Handwriting font]([Insert Name], PLEASE READ ON!)[End Handwriting Font]

Aren't handwriting fonts great? It really helps that false sense of 'wow, he really cares. Not.'

Page 2 of The Purple Letter

I SEE in the SPIRIT... 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS that are on the verge of unfolding in your lives.

...I have many lives.

HOWEVER, there s an attack from satan... that puts you in the WRONG PLACE, at the WRONG TIME, with the WRONG PEOPLE, and all of these beautiful things God has planned for you cannot unfold.

Satan causes dropped calls, magically empties your gas tank, and hits the snooze button on your alarm in the mornings.

BELIEVE IT, when I say, Your act of faith has already begun the release of POWER THAT WILL ACTUALLY CHANGE YOUR CHAOTIC CIRCUMSTANCES and FUTURE.

Satan is powerless against letters like these....

I LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT... YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES ARE CHALLENGING...but... WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

Yeah. I bet god can help me with my little shoelace problem. That's why I called!

Your understanding of these 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS will move you at the right TIME, into the right PLACE, and hook you up with the right PEOPLE... so you can see God s manifested MIRACLES RELEASED.

There are people now? What if I don't want to hook up with them, though? What if they're ucky?

The POWER OF AGREEMENT that we release as you and I agree together is the most awesome of all powers.

That sounds so...dirty.

St. Matthew wrote concerning this power... saying in Matt. 18:19... WHEN TWO AGREE... IT SHALL BE DONE.

And people complain about atheists taking thing out of context....

Matt 18:19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

Here is the full chapter. I assume Peter Popoff uses the KJV, or something newer. I'm not sure what the whole thing is meant to say, but somehow I doubt it means that if I agree with Peter Popoff, I'll get money.

I have been assigned by God to help you... so that you can receive God s answer to that SPECIAL NEED IN YOUR LIVES.

Heh. I'm 'special needs'.

ONLY GOD CAN MEET THIS NEED... and He has put the 40 years of victory of this ministry behind you.

I assume you don't mean 40 consecutive years. There was that nasty thing in the 80s, and then the bankruptcy....

LISTEN AS I SPEAK TO YOU... about these 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS .

I will listen to your loud font. Yes. I'm listening to your loud font speaking to me.

1. DURING THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, through the help you receive from this ministry God will move you toward a sudden release of money. In faith I see this influx of money showering down upon you from an unexpected source. I really believe it is somewhere between $1,700 and $17,000.

...why $1,700 and $17,000? Wouldn't it be better to predict something lower, like $170? Or are you just banking on someone in my family dying and happening to leave me something between those two numbers?

2. I envision a dramatic turn of events in your lives, like Joseph s, that will take you from the Pit to the Palace, and elevate you to a position of authority and influence. The Favor and BLESSING OF GOD will rest upon you and follow you wherever you go.

My lives. Again. By day, I'm a mild-mannered sleeping person, but at night I turn into a multiple-personality SUPER HERO! And I'm gonna be your boss someday! Peter Popoff SAYS SO!

3. [Insert Name], this concerns the POWER OF PROVISION that God is about to release in your lives... Something or someone who causes fear, causes hurt, will be removed... MORE TO COME.

Peter Popoff and God are putting out a hit on someone in my life. Uh oh. I can't think of anyone who causes fear or hurt, though. Maybe it's someone who thinks they caused fear or hurt.

4. TRAVEL??? Yes, travel, you are about to experience the awesomeness of witnessing and demonstrating the power of God in remote and distant places.

Oh, great. God's gonna reward me by sending me to some primitive shithole. Thank you, god.

Let me just follow the direct leading of the Holy Spirit here... just as God opened up a SECRET WAY OF DELIVERANCE for the children of Israel... and they miraculously walked through the Red Sea... God is now ready to OPEN UP A SECRET WAY OF DELIVERANCE FOR YOU.

That could get messy and annoying for other people. I mean, if god is constantly pushing things out of my way so I can walk through...he can't be doing that for everyone.

[Insert Name], there are 3 more IMPORTANT Prophetic events that are yet to be revealed... HOWEVER... I must obey God in this. YOUR OBEDIENCE IS THE KEY! I CAN ONLY REVEAL THEM TO YOU IN MY ANSWER... Obey God in this!

This would be the expected 'but wait, there's MORE' part of the sale's pitch, where, after they show you all the amazing things the gadget can do, they hit you with the 'surprise gift' portion of the show...where you have to pay for twice its value in shipping and handling.

So, what do I have to do to get the last three prophetic secrets?

Page 3 of The Purple Letter]

[Insert Name], in Jesus name, GET A GLASS OF WATER...

How do I get a glass of water in Jesus' name? Is there someone I call to place an order that will just let me say "Yeah, can I have a glass of water? No, just a glass of water. Who's this for? Jesus."

I believe that God will let his angels trouble this water as you sleep tonight.

How nice of god, letting his angels 'trouble' a glass of water. I hope they clean up the mess they make after they spill it all over the carpet....

Place it by your bedside tonight... BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP...

I don't know about you, but I'm in the habit of placing a glass of water by my bedside AFTER I go to sleep.

place the UNOPENED SEALED ENVELOPE IN YOUR PILLOW SLIP... tonight only...!

...and if you're one of the lucky ones who actually got a sex-lube-packet of Magical Spring Water that had water in it, you better hope it doesn't rupture during the night. If it does, you better hope your 'pillow slip' is water-friendly, or at least in need of blessings....

In the morning... take 7 sips from the glass in Jesus Name.

Does this mean that, earlier, when I got the glass of water, I was supposed to be physically 'in' the name "Jesus"? Do I have to build a big human habitrail in the shape of the name just to do all this?

And how big is a sip?

After you obey God in this... OPEN THE SEALED ENVELOPE.

Don't brush your teeth, don't get dressed, don't even bother with breakfast. Do these things first. Because Peter Popoff -- I'm sorry, GOD -- says so....

According to St. Luke 6:38... you MUST QUALIFY YOURSELF for a Supernatural Blessing... Yes, this harvest of a great INCOME...

The Apostle Luke said, the way to QUALIFY yourself for a PRESSED DOWN, SHAKEN TOGETHER AND RUNNING OVER BLESSING IS TO G I V E .

Luke 6:38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

Huh?

When you OPEN the Water Packet...

...if you have to open it. If it hasn't already been opened for you.

If there's even water in it...

anoint your hands for MONEY MIRACLES in Jesus Name. Then anoint a Holy Consecrated Seed of Great Harvest Offering of $17.00. NO, I don t want you to send $37 or $77..

...you could expect to pay $900 in stores for this item. But here, you won't pay $900, or $800, or even $500. No, not even $100! This can all be yours for...

No, SEND EXACTLY $17.00. Because 1 is the number of Father... and 7 is the Father s number of perfection.

...and because $17. just doesn't seem like a hell of a lot. It's a funny number, like $13.33 or $29.85.

When you return the page inside the sealed envelope to me...

...as you can see from the scan, this sentence was floating boldly in the middle of nowhere just like it is here....

I will send you all of the 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS .

WOW! What a deal! Seventeen bucks for four things I already have and three I haven't seen yet!

These anointed words will guide you to the RIGHT PLACE, at the RIGHT TIME... and help to hook you up with the RIGHT PEOPLE to receive the Miracle harvest of God.

...think of what you'll be missing out of if you don't send the money. What's a lousy seventeen bucks compared to the miracles that are waiting for you? SEND THE MONEY! SEND THE MONEY! SEND THE MONEY!

When you read these 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS in their entirety you will see the SECRET WAY and the way to your deliverance will open up for you.

Because without those last three, the first four make no sense. You need those last three...and the secret decoder ring that you'll be asked to send money for in the next letter if you send the first $17....

The moment you open up my answer to you... a POWERFUL ANOINTING IS GOING TO RUSH ALL OVER YOU...

Eww.

and within the next several weeks you ll see God reveal Himself to you in your New, Glorious Future!

Or maybe I'll be dying of whatever it was that rushed all over me.

Now, remember, this is not something you can afford to take lightly...

Taking this lightly has cost me a lot of money....

God has sent you to this Prophet who will help you see Total Victory over the DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES in your lives.

Is god going to make the cable lineups not suck, because right now I'm having a really difficult time with that. Also, I think I'm having a difficult time being funny here.

Now read my instructions again.

...but, why?

1639996

I don't know what this is about. It was in the original document, and it's just...there.

The book you requested, PROSPERITY THINKING has been reserved for you.

I don't remember requesting any book. I think it was mentioned in that little image, though. Something about it being sent with the water....

But you must answer this letter to let me know that I have your correct address.

And in order to let you know you have the correct address, I have to send you $17. which covers the cost of the book more than adequately.

It all makes so much sense now....

[Handwriting font]Waiting for your answer. Love to you [Insert Name], from your new friend, Prophet Peter Popoff.
[Signature]

There's that faux personal touch again.

Anyway....

Me being a godless, baby eating atheist-child-of-satan, I just couldn t wait to see what was in that funny envelope with the red fake handwriting. So, I opened it.

Joy! A big pink letter! And my little sex-lube-packet of Miracle Spring Water!But...wait...it s EMPTY!

Also, you can t really see it in that first picture. It was a real bitch to get a picture of this thing that actually worked.

This is the front of the packet

--and this is the back Can t really read the back, and you can t really tell from either picture that there isn t even a little bit of fluid in there.Or, maybe it s just not there because I m not a Good Person of God, or whatever. Or maybe it only shows up if you follow the directions properly. Either way, I got screwed. I want my NoMoney back....

Wait...maybe the Big Pink Letter explains it, right? The big, overly long pink letter on the stupidly large paper that I couldn t scan all at once? I did get it scanned, but I had to patch the images together. They might be lined up a little funny you ll just have to deal with it.

No, but here it is anyway. Same warnings apply images are large, but I dropped the quality, so the file sizes shouldn t hurt too much.

Pink Letter Page 1

SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONSPartner [Insert Name],

I'm a partner now?

*IF GOD COULD CREATE A SECRET MIRACLE PATHWAY THROUGH THE RED SEA SO THAT THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL WOULD GET TO THE PROMISED LAND... HE CAN DO THE SAME FOR YOU... SO THAT YOU CAN GET TO THE PLACE OF VICTORY, PEACE, HAPPINESS AND ABUNDANCE THAT HE HAS ALREADY ORDAINED FOR YOU.

I'm not kidding about the underline thing. It really does look a little like that. Some words are underlined in that fakey blue ink two or three times. I guess it helps drive home the urgent need to send the money so I can get things that I won't get even though they're already set up for me.

Because these things are really all about money, and if god doesn't get his $17., then he rearranges things.

Cranky bastards, that god....

This packet contains water from the spring in Southern Russia where the pastors and Christians were led by the Holy Spirit to drink during the horrible Chernobyl nuclear accident.

Nevermind that my packet was completely empty...maybe other people actually do get packets full of this water...but, suddenly I'm glad that I didn't, because I'm not sure I want to be anywhere near this Miracle Chernobyl water. I can only imagine what makes it so wonderful....

(I warn you, something so anointed and sacred can t be taken lightly).

Maybe you should also warn me that I might get cancer and have crazy, deformed babies if I don't believe properly....

As I walked to this very spring through the dark dawn... when I got there, it was like a light from Heaven lighted up the entire area.

Waitaminute....

Is this Peter Popoff saying that he was there during the Chernobyl 'event', and was involved in this 'god leading his flock to safe water'?

As I knelt trembling under the awesome presence of God the Angel of the Lord commanded me to bring this Miracle Spring Water back for you to use as a powerful point of contact for many miracles in your lives (the spring represents the flow of the spirit).

God should've told you how to package it, too. These little sex lube sample packs are very wrong.

NOW HERE S THE MIRACLE...

Where? Right there?

GOD SAID, I CONFIRM THE WORD OF MY SERVANT... I PERFORM THE COUNSEL OF MY MESSENGER.

I'm god, I don't have to make sense!

No one who drank from this spring died from nuclear contamination.

We've tried very hard to make sure that no such thing ever shows up as the cause of death....

No one who followed divine leading and direction suffered illness.

Instead, they enjoyed illness quite cheerily.

NOT ONE BELIEVER SUFFERED HARM.

Again with the 'suffered'. Saying they didn't suffer from it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

NOT ONE BELIEVER DIED. ALL WERE MIRACULOUSLY SPARED.

All those people that died, they just didn't believe.

As I heard of the great destruction and saw God s great deliverance for his people... I witnessed the power of God that delivered, protected and PROPOSED. AND SO WILL YOU!

You have a time machine?

#1. 1. Anoint your forehead with this miracle water for total peace of mind.

And brain cancer!

By the way -- that #1 1. thing is actually in the letter. The #1 thing is 'hand written', though, much like the asterisks and stars next to certain things....

Anoint your hands for MONEY MIRACLES in Jesus name.

...because hands are money. And if you do it just right, your hands will turn into money. Sure, it'll be painful, but Jesus loves you.

Anoint your body wherever you feel pain.

The burn means it's working.

Then anoint the doorposts of your house with this miracle water for protection from all evil.

Evil knows better than to enter houses where people fling around Chernobyl water....

#2. 2. Claim the miracles you need (with prayer) and ask God to open the pathway to your very own MIRACLE DELIVERANCE... the pathway to your victory... through your RED SEA of need.

...then, get down on your knees and squeal like a piggy.

#3 3. Send me your prayer requests (on back) along with your best gift to God. When I get this sheet back I will know that you have obeyed God s instructions and acted in obedience.

Make sure you send the $17. And if you don't do all of these things right, Peter will KNOW.

I will then release a prophet s anointing for you!

Just for me? I'm so special.

And...ew.

I will believe that God will spiritually roll back the waters of your Red Sea and uncover the miracle pathway for your total healing, deliverance and VICTORY.

Suddenly, I don't feel so bad about beating the dead horse of the 'phonecall' joke. This Red Sea thing is getting a little old....

PROPHETIC WORD FOR YOU TO CLAIM(READ OUT LOUD) *I speak to you now as God s messenger, as God s prophet of prosperity...

I get the feeling things are about to get really, really, REALLY important....

The word PROPHECY is written down the left side in handwriting font with a bracket indicating the following text....

FOR YEA, MY CHILD, KEEP YOUR EYES UPON MYWORD AND YOUR EARS TUNED TO MY GOOD. KEEP YOUR SPIRIT ALERT AND LISTEN AND YOU WILL... HEAR, LOOK, AND YOU WILL... SEE. REACH OUT AND YOU WILL... FIND. EVEN NOW, I THE LORD THY GOD, HAVE ORDAINED THAT MIRACLES ARE ABOUT TO BE RELEASED UPON THEE.KEEP YOUR EYES UPON ME AND DON T LET SATAN DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE CONFUSION ALL AROUND YOU. FOCUS YOUR EYES UPON ME AND GET THEM OFF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES FOR I AM THE AUTHOR AND THE FINISHER OF YOUR FAITH. KEEP YOUR EYES UPON ME AND YOU WILL HAVE FAITH. THEN AS YOU ACT UPON MY WORD AND FOLLOW MY LEADING, YOUR ACT OF FAITH SHALL BRING TO PASS THE VERY THINGS THAT YOU DESIRED TO SEE.SATAN WANTS YOU TO PARK BY YOUR PROBLEM, BUT I SAY UNTO THEE THIS DAY, ARISE, AND MOVE IN FAITH AND I SHALL OPEN THE DOOR FOR THEE AND YOU SHALL WALK INTO MY COMPLETE VICTORY, HARMONY, HEALTH, PEACE AND PROSPERITY. I AM THE FINISHER OF YOUR FAITH. DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR PROBLEMS, BUT LOOK TO ME FOR I AM THE SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM IN YOUR LIFE. I AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH THAT YOU HAVE LOOKED FOR, AND THE SOURCE OF ALL LIFE, SAITH THE LORD.

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