I went out to the mailbox tonight [on the way, I met a very nice stray cat, but I'll get to that some other time], and this was waiting for me --

...I wonder what it is....

The back doesn't tell me. Maybe --

OH GOD NO!

Another letter! Another envelope! More stuff from Peter Popoff!

Hey...this one's not all water-stained. Maybe the thing inside it actually has water in it....

I also got scans of the envelopes, just in case anyone wants to see these things at a larger size.

Main Envelope, front.
Main Envelope, back.
The 'Water Envelope?'
The 'If you have a stamp, please don't spend my money' reply envelope.

I also, like last time, scanned and retyped the letter. I have not actually opened the 'water envelope'. I'm 'following the instructions'.

Actually...I'm just being horribly lazy right now, and I think I'm just going to do the first letter right now, and get to the second envelope tomorrow...or, rather, later today, since it's after midnight now.

Page 1:

P.U.F.C./P.O. Box 769 Upland, CA 91785
This letter has been sealed by the DEPARTMENT OF PRAYER & MIRACLES.
From: PROPHET PETER POPOFF

The DEPARTMENT OF PRAYER & MIRACLES, huh? Is that the code-name for the 'Department that wastes the money those poor broke grandmas send us'?

I keep feeling NEW THINGS about you as I write you this letter.

You mean as your computer generates this letter....

It's just amazing... letters keep pouring in reporting Miracle after Miracle...

Is this about me or about the letters you get? Make up your mind...or don't. I suppose it would be wrong for you to change and actually become coherent and able to stick to a topic when it comes to sentences....

... I do not kid you, I feel you are NEXT IN LINE FOR A MIRACLE BY FAITH...

Didn't you say something about that in your last letter?

[star]Dearest Partner [Insert Name]: This is the only letter you'll receive JUST like this one.

...well, maybe not 'JUST' like this one, but I've received extremely similar letters from you at least once before...and I'm betting there's a letter in that second envelope that reads a lot like this one....

So you must take IMMEDIATE advantage of what God is saying and doing.

Because I didn't take any advantage last time, I guess I get another chance.

TODAY, [Insert Name], you will see IMMEDIATE BENEFITS,

The only 'IMMEDIATE BENEFIT' I'm seeing is that I suddenly have a bit more website content.

and as you continue to apply what God has given us through divine revalation... you'll experience some absolutely EXTRAORDINARY RESULTS by faith!

Continue to apply what, exactly. So far, all 'God' has given me is a couple of really bombastic letters and an empty sex-lube-style packet of...nothing. And that only got me one comment...which I suppose is an 'EXTRAORDINARY RESULT', considering I didn't get many non-trolling comments before that....

Maybe there's something to this after all....

I'VE SPENT SEVERAL HOURS IN PRAYER...

Next time, maybe you should spend those several hours somewhere else, like, say, in a typing class. Or possibly in a basic sort of English Composition class?

It's a GIGANTIC surprise that's waiting for you, [Insert Name]!

A GIGANTIC surprise? Wait, don't tell me...is it R'lyeh rising from the depths?

... AND THE THINGS God has shown me in the Spirit can only be received by a person of faith such as yourself.

Your fake-personal-letter scheme is showing....

I can say to you with absolute assurance and confidence... THINGS ARE ABOUT TO TURN COMPLETELY AROUND FOR YOU!

Damnit, NO! I don't want things to SUCK!

What you must understand is... I'm not trying to sell you some bill of goods...

...yeah. Right. I understand. That doesn't mean I believe you....

I constantly use this same POWER OF INCREASE IN MY OWN LIFE.

You're using gifts from God for selfish purposes? Is there a Christian version of the 'threefold law', or whatever that wiccan crap is?

[Insert Name], God has anointed me to help people who have been declared by friends and doctors as absolutely hopeless.

...but you also help yourself. Have you, therefore, been declared 'absolutely hopeless' by friends and doctors? I bet you have.

If God has used me so often to help those who were facing impossible situations and lead them into miracles...

...then God is a feckless twit who needs to hire someone to let him know that he's just got to knock it off with the hiring of all these really bad representatives. Holy shit, you suck.

JUST IMAGINE WHAT GOD IS NOW READY TO DO FOR YOU.

And now, to tell you more...Ron Popeil!

GREAT NEWS FOR YOU [INSERT NAME]: You can now have everything you ever dreamed of or desired.

Just set it and FORGET IT!

Scientists have conducted numerous studies in order to understand these strange events.

And they've come to the conclusion that Peter Popoff is a horrible bastard who lies and cheats people.

Major magazines have reported in depth on how the miracle working Power of God is sweeping across the earth in this end-time day and hour.

End time day and hour? Well, what good are these miracles of 'everything I've ever wanted' going to do if it's the end times 'day and hour'?

And which magazines are these?

Yes, there is a MIRACLE force emanating from the very Throne of God that is now literally ready to change your world.

...miracle...force...emanating...throne....

I take this to mean that God really needs to clean his toilet....

No, it's not some good luck experience,

Of course not. It's all bad stuff. Or possibly nobody cares about and nobody notices because it didn't actually happen stuff....

It is the Miracle Life Force of God...

...which is entirely different from luck.

that is ready to fill you and surround you with such drawing power for good.

...I have to go with 'Ew'.

You will actually become like a powerful magnet,

And I'll heal myself through magnet therapy, because I'll be like a powerful magnet? I'll save thousands!

Better, I'll MAKE millions! I'll be able to charge gullible people who believe in my amazing magnetic therapy abilities to just stand next to me!

that draws limitless increase, vast wealth, wonderful health, love, stress free living, happiness, joy along with great peace of mind to yourself.

Oh.

Wait, that sort of magnet is even better. I bet I could charge people for that, too.

['Handwritten']-----OVER-----

Page 2:

['Handwritten']-----2-----

[Red ink box around next four words and one letter of 'is']
A WORLD OF KNOWLEDGE is coming to me...

Have you gotten to the part about letter-writing yet? What about honesty? I suppose honesty would come before letter-writing...assuming a WORLD OF KNOWLEDGE is in some sort of alphabetical order....

If it's in some sort of strange Popoffey Decimal System, I guess there's no way of knowing what comes next.

I see you need energy and new, youthful vigor...

I could always use more energy, and my youthful vigor is looking a little worn around the edges. Maybe if I had another one, I could actually keep it in the box. Maybe, in a few years, 'youthful vigor' will be worth something in mint condition.

It seems as if a spirit of worry, heaviness, and an uncertainty about tomorrow is trying to control you...

But with Peter Popoff and God, I'll know what tomorrow will bring, because of my amazing new psychic Godly Gifts. Or something.

You lack confidence in yourself and your future.

Nobody should ever doubt themselves, because if they do, they can't know their future, because of those Godly gifts that come with notdoubt.

You are skeptical

...which is just silly. Nobody should be 'skeptical' when dealing with Peter Popoff!

and you have a hard time even imagining that your life can change so QUICKLY and COMPLETELY IN EVERYTHING.

...I don't know. I often find myself a female one moment and a male the next. Things change more quickly and completely than even you can imagine....

I also see this beautiful home,

...great. What he really sees is a higher mortgage payment.

a winding driveway,

Oh, and more shoveling to do. Asshole.

beautiful swimming pool,

...and a POOL TO CLEAN? I hate you. I hate you.

and I see some beautiful cars...

No! No! Not...I can't bear the thought of paying for multiple cars and their insurance. You're hurting me!

this is where I come in...

Get out.

God had me come to you by way of this letter so that I could shine a light into the fog of your unsettled future.

And you've shown me the thing that goes bump in the night. It's really very terrible. Go away now.

['Red ink' double parentheses around next entire paragraph]

[Insert Name], I know I need and want to help you... and you NEED MY HELP.

Are you going to shovel the driveay?

I am about to PINPOINT some "windows of opportunity" that can very dramatically change everything in your life.

...so I can avoid these future horrors.

Oh, god, what if there's a gated community?

I'm going to have nightmares.

I'VE SEEN IN A SPIRITUAL VISION: [Actually double-underlined, and there's a big arrow pointing in from over here]

...was that arrow in your spiritual vision?

**[Insert Name], you will see some very serious concerns in your life take "a 180 degree turn in the next 30 days."

I'm not sure how much good it does to just have concerns turn around. Or does turning your back on something actually work?

**[Insert Name], there is a financial concern that keeps you in bondage...

...what if I enjoy playing Mistress of Pain with my change jar?

This concern will be eliminated through the 5 POWER STEPS OF FAITH YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE in obedience to God.

Power steps? Obedience. Are we getting into aerobic domination-play now, or something? I think I'm lost.

**[Insert Name], I "see" an unusual meeting with a person of irresistable charm.

I'm going to meet the antichrist? I thought I already had....

Because of this person you will live some exceptional moments full of strong and intense emotions.

This sounds like a really bad thing, especially since it sounds like something that would involve my current relationship ending, possibly through some sort of cheating.

This person will walk into your life in the next 60 days and bring into your life, support, comfort, love and true friendship.

The next sixty days from now? I guess I should watch out for that, then....

*[Arrow][Insert Name], God is prompting me to share this with you...

Somebody needs some therapy...and it's not me this time.

He has heard your pleas for physical and financial help...

...two somebodies need therapy....

Now don't give up or lose hope because help is on the way.

Here I come to save the day!

God has anointed me to penetrate this fog-like darkness that impedes you and hinders your progress.

I didn't know darkness could be 'fog-like'. Even when there's fog during the day, it can be awfully bright....

This fog has kept your financial windfalls, vibrant health and even daily blessings from showing up.

This is sounding less like fog and more like 'massive quantities of snow'.

THERE IT IS...

What? Where? Money? The fog?

it's the same anointing I feel when I tell people the very day money is coming,

Oh. So money. Wait, what the hell are you talking about. Anointing? Feel?

and sometimes the exact amount and even the precise hour...

You truly are amazing if you can predict the US Postal Service's schedule....

OH, IT'S BURNING...

...this is a good thing. A very good thing. Feel more. Feel much more.

(Let me go on)

As if I could stop you....

God has let me see your wonderful, benevolent spirit, your kind heart, and the good you desire to do for others.

...did I open somebody else's letter?

I guess maybe I did, in some sense. This is a form letter, after all.

Oh, once this fog-like darkness is penetrated,

Don't you 'burn off' fog?

things you have longed for, prayers that were hindered and unanswered, and needs that have not as yet been met...will break through [Double underlines again]

So, little Billy really will blow his hand off the next time he plays with fireworks, and you'll stop doing what you're doing? Yay! Away with you, fog-like darkness! Away, so that these things may come to pass.

[Handwriting with arrow underline]go on to p. 3

Page 3:

WHEN YOU TAKE THE TIME TO ANSWER THIS LETTER...

This probably isn't what you meant, is it?

I will tell you some dates when you can expect money miracles and exact dates in January, February & March that you must take special note of and prepare for.

Exact dates? Really...?

I HAVE ENCLOSED 5 COINS ANOINTED FOR SPECIFIC MIRACLES:...these must be in the second envelope that I haven't opened yet. Yes, I actually followed the instructions this time. I thought it might be a little more entertaining....

Oh, please understand that after we obey God in this... you will walk into a BEAUTIFUL BRIGHT LIGHT OF DIVINE BLESSINGS,

That sounds painful.

a golden existence of pure bliss...

So, there'll be none of this 'now that you already believe, and you're experiencing hard times, it's just God testing you' shit...yeah. Sure. Right.

Around January 1 - 4th some papers about money will arrive...

Oops. Didn't happen.

DO NOT SIGN THEM...

Can't sign what didn't happen. Of course, what if I had gotten papers having to do with money sometime between January 1st and 4th? What if they'd been very important papers...some sort of insurance thing, or something to do with the house. Why the hell would I listen to some nut and put off something like that?

And what if they were bills? Do people actually listen to this guy?

because you won't have to after this financial windfall breaks through.

I won't have to sign papers on something to do with money because I'll be getting money...probably from the things that I didn't sign, even though, if I had signed them, your prediction would've come true?

We're in the land of 'even less sense' now. Yay.

BACK TO THE 5 COINS ANOINTED FOR MIRACLES!

Okay. What about them. Why are they so important that they deserve such largeness?

Not 3 or 4 but 5... Because 5 is God's number of victory.

...wasn't 7 God's number last time?

That means to you that God is going to GIVE YOU VICTORY IN YOUR LIFE IN REGARD TO YOUR BLESSINGS AND YOUR MIRACLES.

Blessings and miracles can also be something other than 'victory'? Failures, maybe?

[Red box]Why is this so important?? Partner [Insert Last Name], Naaman left the Prophet Elisha angry because the prophet told him to go dip in the dirty Jordan River in order to receive his deliverance... His servant said, if the prophet had told you to do something great you were ready to do it... if he asked you to empty your bank account or do some difficult deed...but you despised this small thing. God is saying to you, don't despise this samll act of faith. All Naaman had to do was dip himself in the River Jordan in order to receive his deliverance.

I think I managed to track this down in the KJV, although...I'm not sure that's what Peter Popoff uses. I'm not even sure he sticks to one version....

2 Kings Chapter 5, Verses 10-13
"And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.
But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the LORD his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.
[Are] not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? may I not wash in them, and be clean? So he turned and went away in a rage.
And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, [if] the prophet had bid thee [do some] great thing, wouldest thou not have done [it]? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?

I don't see anything in there about emptying bank accounts or anything. And it doesn't say 'once', but seven times....

[Insert Name], don't let your carnal mind or your reputation get in the way of your SOLUTION.

...it certainly wont' be my 'carnal mind' or my 'reputation' that prevents me from doing nutty things like 'dipping myself in the River Jordan' or 'emptying my bank account'....

The enemy has been trying to entice you to the wrong rivers, the wrong ministries, but now you are where God wants you.

...that's exactly what the enemy would say....

All you need at this point is the kind of faith that doesn't mind doing something foolish... faith that keeps you dependent on God even when it looks like in the natural that everybody else is doing better than you are. That's your sign, God is ready.

...the kind of faith that keeps a battered wife with her abusive husband, and keeps her from ever acting out against him.

Though you've been insulted, your feelings have been hurt, though you've reached the end of your rope and sometimes feel like quittin'...

I feel a country song coming on....

KEEP DIPPIN' in faith.

...nevermind. It's worse.

Your breakthrough is now here... Stand on the promise of God...

Or, I could just not listen to you and stand on my own two feet, on the floor, here in reality.

...or maybe I could just sit.

"Blessed is the man who perserveres...he will receive". Jas. 1:12 niv

Don't you mean, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him?"

[Insert Name], your desperation has placed you in a situation where you've got almost nothing left to lose...

...funny definition of 'almost nothing' you've got there....

when you need God's answer bad enough, you'll do whatever he asks, do whatever it takes...

This sounds more like it's about an addiction....

[Next four words and one or two letters circled]Take the anointed coins... they are inside the envelope with the money on the front AFTER YOU FINISH READING.

...back to the coins again. But wait, don't do it yet, there's one more page!

[Handwriting]-----OVER-----

Page 4:

[Handwriting]--- 4 ---

['Red ink' double parentheses around next entire paragraph]

PLEASE, PLEASE, return the 1st coin back to me...

He needs the money, you see....

I must hold this one in prayer...

...and then spend it in one of those little toy machines?

I don't even know what these coins are, yet....

and I'll return to you some dates you must take note of... some dates to watch for your money return.

...but not the coin?

#[Insert Name], IN THE NEXT 3 MINUTES you will CHANGE YOUR LIFE OR YOU WILL CHAIN YOUR LIFE.

I think this is going to take a little longer than three minutes.

By that I mean... Your obedience to God, when you open that envelope, WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER...

I'm sure it will. I'm sure that, by opening that envelope, I'll lose another several hours of my life to utter pointlessness, and have a little bit more for my site....

or your disobedience... WILL CHAIN YOUR LIFE FOREVER to the same old problems that have kept and are keeping you in bondage now.

That would be a little like changing my life forever, wouldn't it?

I feel in my spirit this is one of the last opportunities you'll get to TURN THESE PARTICULAR THINGS AROUND...

...didn't you say something like that last time? How many 'last opportunities' do I get?

When you obey God... "THE LORD... WHOM YOU SEEK WILL SUDDENLY COME." Malachi 3:1 amp

I'm not sure what the 'amp' stands for. I'll just go with the KJV....

"Behold, I will send my messenger, and he shall prepare the way before me: and the LORD, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he shall come, saith the LORD of hosts."

...I haven't seen quotes this bad since the last time someone mangled a scientist's quote to make it look like they were against evolution....

HISTORY'S GREATEST PRISON BREAK...

...did it happen at Alcatraz?

After being flogged all night Paul and Silas OBEYED God in their trouble. About midnight... JESUS SHOWED UP....

Okay, I'm not going to bother looking this up.

Oh, my Partner,

I am not.

it's about midnight in your life...

It's exactly 23:59 and 43 seconds, actually....

this is the time WHEN GOD COMES ON THE SCENE!

...at the time that's commonly believed to be the 'witching hour'? The time when bad things come out to play?

The how and when of your deliverance is up to God... JUST BE OBEDIENT AND READY...

And squeal like a piggie when he tells you.

for HE comes SUDDENLY!

...is that another way of saying 'prematurely'?

Don't miss God now...

If you don't call in the next ten minutes, this deal will be gone forever! You can't miss this! All this value, for fifteen low easy payments of only $89.98! And if you call now, you'll get a free sheet of paper!

Please, In Jesus' Name, open the envelope with all the money on it... to get a glimpse of what you are in store for.

Right now? But I thought I was supposed to finish reading this letter first....

Praying you obey God... Love to you [Insert Name], Prophet Peter Popoff

Oh. I guess I'm almost done. You're a creepy fucker, y'know that?

[Fake Signature followed by a large block of 'handwriting']

P.S. I feel a strange conflict is taking place within you between two totally opposit inclinations.

Are hungry and tired 'opposit'[sic]?

I'm pretty sure there wasn't an 'e' on the end of 'opposite' in the original letter. I can't really tell, though. The printed-out red ink handwriting font is so terrible....

At times you simply seem to let go and fail to react to overcome the small problems that seem to keep piling up...

If that's a metaphor for the current condition of my livingroom, you've done a very good job at making a prediction. But it's not, so you didn't....

Then, oddly, at other times you feel much better.

Like right now...because I can see the bottom of the page! And there's a cat in my lap!

You have moments when suddenly you become aware of the life you could be leading but you just don't know HOW to benefit from all the opportunities that come your way.

...now my head hurts. I'm not having a moment. I'm having a pain.

DON'T WORRY, I will prepare you to seize the blessings that are just ahead...

I don't want to seize blessings. They're gooey.

Coming soon: What's in that second envelope?