So, I go out to my mailbox on the 19th, and guess what I find waiting for me...besides a bunch of spam, and the most recent Fangoria....

Initial Envelope:

...the envelope says:

*Money tied up will be released!
*A rare opportunity is inside
*Your storm is almost over and the sun will shine again!
*Expect a new storm of money, harmony and love!
OPEN BY NAME BELOW ONLY!!!

I don't know why I didn't expect it, but I was awfully...upset by what I found when I opened it.

First Letter:

Yes. AGAIN. Popoff AGAIN. Two letters in one week. Very nearly two letters in two days.

First letter page 1:

This letter is on those damned long pages -- the ones I have to patch together after I scan them. It's annoying.

Second and mailback envelopes:

This time, his envelope doesn't beg me to use a stamp. It just...makes me use a stamp. I must've run him broke with those five pennies, or something.

I'm going to do this a little out of order this time. There are more pictures, but they might serve better within my reply to the letters....

First Letter:

Page 1:

[Blue 'ink' box around paragraph]
[Insert Name], miracles are happening so fast I can't keep up with them... But your miracle is about to be complete... and I can say just as God told me! [Insert Name], YOU ARE JUST 2 FAITH STEPS AWAY FROM YOUR MIRACLE FOR SPECIAL HELP WITH SOME MONEY PROBLEMS YOU ARE FACING!

Two more steps? After the five steps with the coins, and the one step with the foot anointing and...what the hell do you think you're doing? Testing to see how many of these it will take before I'll actually do something, or is this something you do with all your victims?

*Dearest Partner [Insert Name], I have toured the nation and the world bringing the Gospel of healing, prosperity and miracle blessings to millions...

These millions you speak of...are they actual people, or are you thinking of the money you've gotten out of people....

NOW... God has sent me as His Prophet into your life today.

So this is all about you being told what to do by god, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I filled out a form on your website? Is this supposed to explain why you keep saying I called you?

OPEN YOUR HEART, USE YOUR FAITH, and OBEY GOD because God's favor is about to rain down upon your entire life.

...but not before I obey you, right? Blessings only come to those who obey Peter Popoff.

What if Donald Trump, Evander Holyfield, or someone you knew was a millionaire said, "Please sit down, I want to tell you how to build a MILLION DOLLAR BANK ACCOUNT." Would you sit down and take them seriously? Of course you would.

Actually, I'd wonder what the fucking scam was, because I see shit like that in my inbox just about every day.

SO, [Insert Name], because I have helped millions of people just like you receive a transforming, life changing OPPORTUNITY... I ask you for the next few minutes to take the phone off the hook, go to a quiet place where you can be alone and not bothered as you read on...

I'm not sure if I can read this without being bothered. It might be impossible to both read this and not be bothered....

The FIRST thing I want to get into your spirit is this... "ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEM THAT BELIEVE". You can build your life and your dreams on that... It's God's Word and He just can't lie. Get that in your spirit... believe it, it's the
one truth you can depend on in this world.

Somehow, this sentence just fails to inspire any sort of faith in me. It might have a lot to do with the fact that I've become convinced that Peter Popoff thinks he's god, and the guy's record for being less than honest....

[Blue 'ink' double line down the side of this paragraph]
*This letter actually began just a few days ago...

I'm sure it started more than a few days ago. I'm sure this letter was written quite a while ago, and just sits around until someone's name shows up to be put into it.

Let me explain...

There's nothing I can do to prevent that...even though I'm fairly certain you won't actually explain anything.

I sent you a special letter after you called...

I didn't call.

as soon as that letter was in the mail to you...

Oh, wow, are you talking about this letter? It takes you a really long time to send out your form letters, if you're talking about that one, because an entirely different letter showed up between then and now....

GOD SHOWED ME A VISION...

This should be good.

It seemed I was sitting in your front room there at [insert address].

My front room? Do I even have a front room? I'm pretty sure I don't, unless you count that little landing in front of the doors, where the stairs happen.

I don't sit there, though. There's nowhere to sit....

I was holding your hand praying for you...

Your form letters are getting kinda stalker-creepy.

THE HOLY SPIRIT began to speak Words of Wisdom through me... I said under a great anointing ..."I KNOW WHY YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION HAS NOT IMPROVED."

...lemme guess. It's because I haven't played your little letter-water-oil-penny game, right?

Then I saw it... more clearly... just like Daniel's answer was held up between Heaven and Earth... by satan. [INSERT NAME], YOUR ANSWER HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED... DELAYED, BUT NOT DENIED.

Satan steals mail.

Jesus has prayed for a blind man in St. Mark 8... He prayed for the blind man, and he saw men as trees... THEN JESUS GAVE HIM A... "SECOND TOUCH". This second touch brought the victory the man needed... it opened the windows of Heaven upon Him.

What am I supposed to learn from this? That Jesus can't get things right the first time?

GOD HAS SENT ME TO PRAYER BLESS YOU WITH A "SECOND TOUCH"... One that will expel Demonic Spirits, make them loose their holds, moving you into God's favor, opening the windows of Heaven's Blessings in a mighty way...! [Handwriting] I AM A SPIRITUAL WARRIOR ACTING ON GOD'S DIRECTION ON YOUR BEHALF!

...but only if I follow the instructions exactly, right? I wonder what he wants me to do this time.

Before I go any further I feel led to pray; "In the matchless Name of Jesus, I command the grip of all demonic forces to be broken, and by the time [Insert Name] finishes reading this letter and obeys you... there will be a "SECOND TOUCH" so awesome that no weapon formed against them will prosper, every arrow of satan will fall before [Insert Name], and every foul plan of satan for [Insert Name]'s life will be cancelled in the mighty Name of Jesus...Amen".

This letter is getting kinda boring.

[Handwriting]-----OVER-----

Page 2:

[Handwriting]--- 2 ---

[Blue 'ink' star] Please [Insert Name], let's take the next step in order to RECEIVE this "2nd TOUCH BLESSING". It's already the 12th month of the year... and YOU MUST NOW apply this "SUPERNATURAL LAW OF HARVEST INCREASE". Yes, it's true and found in II Cor. 9:10 (TLB) "A part of your HARVEST IS FOR SOWING AGAIN."

January is the 12th month now? Is this some sort of strange religious countdown thing?

If you will accept this opportunity from God here in December and act upon it in obedience to God... ALL PRAYERS FOR YOUR PROSPERITY CAN BE ANSWERED.

Oops. Guess not. You just...fucked up a bit, didn't you?

This [next two words circled] "2nd Touch" of God's hand on your life will bring you into the "SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S MIRACLE BLESSINGS." [Handwriting] NOW YOU MUST ACCEPT GOD'S PLAN!

Now there's a secret circle. And probably a secret handshake, and a special membership card you can't show anyone.

[Blue line down the lefthand side of next paragraph]
*The HOLY SPIRIT is revealing to me the rewards of this "2nd Touch"... "CALL unto me and I WILL ANSWER thee and SHEW THEE great and mighty THINGS, which thou KNOWEST NOT." Jer. 33.3. In Matthew 8 Jesus stretched forth HIS HAND and touched the leper and he was made whole. In the 15th verse Jesus took HIS HAND and touched a woman's hand and her fever departed and IMMEDIATELY she was so anointed she ministered to others... In Chapter 9:29 Jesus touched the blind mand with HIS HAND and he was healed. In Matt. 20:34 Jesus again placed HIS HAND upon the blind and they were healed.

I'm not even going to bother looking these up. I'm too bored with the repetitive 'God has to do things twice for it to work' thing....

The 2nd reward is... When [blue box around next two words] God's HAND touches you...Badtouchbadtouchbadtouch....

all evil will be expelled, bonds broken, and you will be empowered to enter this "SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S MIRACLE BLESSINGS".This is some sort of secret society thing, isn't it?You will be SET ON HIGH,

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