New letter.

Six fucking pages. The long kind. When I opened it, I didn't know what that little packet was. So I actually had to read the letter.

Page 1

['Blue Ink Box' around paragraph] As I entered a special time of prayer yesterday, your name appeared in my mind.

Is 'special prayer time' before or after 'Jello time' in your Special Home?

I concentrated on your name and began to realize that God was showing me your situation in a striking vision.

Did the vision actually involve you being struck, because I kinda like that idea....

What I saw were some of the most awesome revelations that directly concerned you and your loved ones. I want to share these special revelations with you.

Wow. I'm so...special. His visions of me are 'most awesome'.

['Handwriting' off to the right] WARNING: This extremely personal letter contains family and financial secrets that MUST NOT fall into the wrong hands. READ IN PRIVATE.

I did. There's nothing at all personal in this letter. There's a whole bunch of blanks where I'm supposed to write in personal information...but...nothing else.

*Dear Partner [Insert Name],

I still think that if I'm a partner, I should be getting a cut of whatever he makes from this scam....

Until today, your progress has been very slow...

No shit. I've been bogged down by a bunch of other letters from you and some of the people you've sold your mailing list to....

as I was in prayer this morning I heard your desperate cry in my spirit and I felt your turmoil in my soul.

You did? Really? When was this, because...I don't remember sending you a desperate cry. You're a crappy psychic.

Then a Miracle! The Holy Spirit descended upon me and gave me a divinely anointed prophetic word. Here is the message:

A 'divinely anointed prophetic word'. That's gotta be, what, at least 15% better than a regular prophetic word?

You have only 72 hours to break the power of the demoic influences that have held you back from your God-given inheritance of divine blessings.

Too bad it took at least 72 hours for this letter to get from your bulk-mail facility to my mailbox....

I asked the Lord why you've had to struggle as you do. The Lord then opened my understanding and revealed everything to me. The reason your problems have been so severe and have lasted so long is that, because you have become spiritually aggressive, you have become a major threat to the kingdom of darkness.

"Why haven't all these miracles Peter Popoff promised happened yet?" "Oh, they are, but Satan's blocking them all"

Good answer....

The people you were able to get with all the other letters you've sent me probably bought it, too, didn't they?

This continual assault from the pit of hell against you explains some of your recent financial, health and even emotional problems.

...but this assault didn't explain it before I [didn't] become spiritually aggressive, when I first [didn't] call Peter Popoff? Wow. We make sense -- it's what we do....

['Blue ink' line down left side of paragraph]*But, [Insert Name], get ready, because this powerful Isaiah 6:6,7 faith action will BRING DISAPPOINTMENTS TO AN END AND OPEN A NEW WAY... FOR TOTAL HEALING AND NEW BLESSINGS IN YOUR LIFE. You are about to witness a miracle taking place in your body, spirit, your finances and in YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

Relationships, being in all caps, are more important than body, spirit or finances. And, obviously, they're what I'm having the most trouble in. Or something. Is this the personal part?

[Insert Name], you are destined for a future of success, wealth and good fortune.

And possibly increased hits based on people finding me by searching for Peter Popoff. I suppose this could lead to a future of success, if people suddenly feel the need to go shopping after reading this crap, and happen to shop at Wasted, or just donate or something.

Through you, every member of your family is going to be blessed, blessed, blessed. Believe me, God knows exactly where He wants to take you.

God's planning on taking me while I'm on the playground. He's got the van without windows and the puppy story all ready....

We absolutely must join forces right now, so that as of February 14, 2006, you'll rediscover your full potential, and all of your God-given talents, strengths and abilities will be released in all areas of your life.

Oops. Little late.

Why this particular date, February 14, 2006? Simply because, in Jesus' name, this date will mark the beginning of 40 days of financial windfall. 40 days of joy and happiness. 40 days of beautiful miracles. ['Handwriting'] EVERYTHING CHANGES NOW!

Where 'now' wasn't actually February 14th.

These cruel waves of satanic assault that are frustrating, poisoning and ruining your health and your life MUST BE STOPPED! And stopped NOW!

Yes. They really must. These satanic assaults that take the form of letters from you and other televangelists -- some that I haven't actually 'contacted' [through online forms] myself.

['Handwriting'] ...Never again will you feel the pain, struggle and frustration of this last year...

Well, no. Any 'pain, struggle and frustration'[huh?] I feel will be all new 2006 'pain, struggle and frustration', and not last year's 2005 model.

over --->

Page 2

--2--

['Blue Ink' -- double lines, lefthand side of paragraph]*Yes, I'm so sure that you'll ACT ON YOUR FAITH now... I'm so certain that you'll follow divine leading and direction and that you'll absolutely refuse to miss the blessings and abundance that God has for you that I've taken the liberty of sending you this packet of coals anointed with an unusual and powerful ANOINTING from the GOLDEN ALTAR of PRAYER. God has directed me and told me EXACTLY how to consecrate these coals. He's already given me the... right words... the right thing to do... to begin a miracle!

Oh. So that's what these are....

['Handwriting'] LET NO ONE ELSE TOUCH THESE ANOINTED COALS

Hear that? Don't touch them. Keep your skanky otherperson hands off my anointed black powder. STOP TOUCHING THEM! I SEE YOU TOUCHING THEM! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

[Insert Name], let me tell you a few very important things about these HOLY ANOINTED COALS. God let me see in a VISION his mighty angel flying toward us with a live coal in his hand. This coal was burning with a hot fire that came directly from the Altar of God. (The fire is a symbol of the anointing and awesome Power of God).

Picture an angel carrying this.

Oh. And it's on fire. And it's straight from the Altar of God. And in the Offbrand Ziplock Baggie of God.

...this is silly.

*This anointing and POWER is about to touch your life in three SPECIFIC areas: Your eyes, your ears and your mind. You will receive divine vision to see exactly where your blessings are, divine hearing to hear the exact instructions that will release all the desires of your heart, and divine understanding to always be at the right place at the right time. (see Isaiah 6:10).

Oh good. Just what I've always wanted. Schizophrenia in powder form.

When this powerful anointing is released upon you, you'll enjoy 40 days of supernatural windfalls. 40 days of healing in your life and family and 40 days of blessings that will astonish you.

I'd just like to go 40 days without getting a letter from Peter Popoff.

As I said, I am so sure you'll say "YES" to my invitation for happiness and victory that, without waiting for your explicit agreement, I have already started working in the Spirit realm for you. I have interceded before God, bound hindering forces that have come against you, prepared these Holy Divinely Anointed and charged COALS and inquired of the Lord concerning the precise steps we need to take to release the blessings you need.

Is it just me, or did those coals get a field promotion mid-letter?

And, really, if he can do all this without my permission, why doesn't he just 'intercede before god' and get the rest of the shit done, too. He's obviously Mr. All Powerful....

['Handwriting']---I SPARED NO EFFORT OR EXPENSE TO PROTECT AND DELIVER THEM SAFELY TO YOU!

Yeah. A whole 17 cents. Wow. That's sparing no expense right there.

['Blue Ink' line, left of paragraph] As I was making these preparations, I experienced a most unusual supernatural visitation that has changed me with the most awesome anointing I have ever experienced in over 30 years of ministry!

Even more unusual than the angel with the baggie? How many times a day do you have this amazing, 'not in thirty years of ministry' vision, anyway....

I am telling you, this power is amazing! This same anointing and same power has saturated these HOLY DIVINELY ANOINTED COALS so completely that I know... as you use them a miracle transformation is going to take place in your life. I warn you... These HOLY DIVINELY ANOINTED COALS are charged with awesome Holy Ghost power... handle them only with care and prayer.

Holy Ghost Power. Wow. Will they explode if I drop them?

['Handwriting']BY THE END OF THIS LETTER GOD WILL USE THESE ANOINTED COALS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

But you said not to let anyone else touch them....

So, February 14th will begin an extremely anointed and productive period for you that you must not let pass you by under any circumstances. I feel the Holy Spirit has also been working in your life, preparing you for this move of God. Now don't close up and miss what God has for you.

Oh. I guess that explains why I've been so lazy. Since I didn't listen to the letter, the exact opposite happens. Or something.

I feel impressed by the Holy Spirit that the next 72 hours will be a particularly critical time for you. As you release your faith now, major changes can begin for you almost immediately. You can see almost instant change for the better in your own life and in the lives of your loved ones if you'll move bodly in faith right now.

The next 72 hours, which weren't anywhere near February 14th when I got this letter.

Oops. I made a typo when I was copying this. 'and in the lives of your loved ones' was typed as 'and in the liver of your loved ones'.

It's NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR... Paul said in I Cor. 13:12... "we see through a glass darkly..." If you would answer these questions, it would help me tremendously...and would help clear things up.

You can see that all these things are going to happen, you can see...lots of things, but you can't figure out exactly what's wrong.

I thought this was going to be full of personal, private information. I didn't realise that I was going to have to put it all in myself....

['Handwriting'] please go on to page 3 --->

Page 3:

['Handwriting'] PLEASE TALK TO ME... --3--

IS SOMEONE TAKING MEDICATION? [ ] YES [ ] NO

I'm sure that someone, somewhere is taking medication right now.

IS THIS YOU? [ ] YES

Maybe. What do you mean by 'medication'? I've got a whole bunch of stuff here. Most of it you can find in the painkiller aisle of your local grocery store.

If not, please print the first name only of the person I'm talking about here: [blank line] and their relationship to you:
[ ] COMPANION [ ] SON [ ] DAUGHTER [ ] MOTHER [ ] FATHER [ ] OTHER [blank line]

I don't know the names of everyone taking medication at this time. Sorry.
Oh, and: [x] OTHER Likely fellow humans, though many other animals that may be distantly related to me in some evolutionary sense may also be taking medication.

It seems that you've received some information or news that has made your heart heavy. Please exlpain this to me here:
[three blank lines]

I haven't weighed my heart. I don't know if it's heavier than before, and I don't recall any news that made it feel heavier. I can't just...y'know, take it out for myself.

[Insert Name], I sense a SPIRIT OF INFIRMITY that has attacked you causing you to LOSE SLEEP. Please explain what type of infirmity it is here: [three blank lines]

...obviously, that infirmity would be INSOMNIA, you twit, if it's causing me to LOSE SLEEP. Not that I'm losing sleep. I keep an eye on my sleep, and make sure it's always where I left it....

*THIS IS IMPORTANT... Have you noticed how money problems seem to cause more stress than any other problems? God has anointed me with a special ANOINTING for INCREASE that will absolutely overwhelm the devourer... but you must first tell me:

Yeah. I've noticed that money problems cause so much more stress than, say, losing my arm. Wow. You're good.

Is there a major debt that satan constantly uses to discourage you and get you down [ ] YES [ ] NO

Satan's a collection agent?

Are you struggling to keep up with your payments? [ ] YES [ ] NO

My payments run really fast. I don't even bother trying.

I see that your HARD TIMES ARE AMOST OVER, [Insert Name]! PLease know that I understand that you have endured many struggles. I am going to ask you to keep up your courage a little longer, because much better things are in sight for you, even as I write this letter.

...what? Better things? Does this mean no more letters?

*As I was taking these Holy Divinely Anointed Coals from the Golden Altar for you and listening to God's instructions, I saw in the vision a dove flying overhead with an olive leaf in its mouth, signifying that your storm is about to come to an end!

I thought that the dove with the olive...branch, wasn't it?...was all about there being land again, and not the storm being over....

*I saw your guardian angel align perfectly over your home in [Insert Address]. This will positively influence and impact your circumstances for the entire 40 days I've mentioned.

Alignment? Is my home and my guardian angel also in line with my, um, power planet? Fuck, I don't get astrology.

These are just two of the most significant SIGNS that foreshadow your upcoming blessings, success, and VICTORY!

Or, maybe they foreshadow an invasion by aliens that are easily defeated by the atmospheric moisture....

GOD SHOWED ME THAT YOU WERE A SPIRITUAL PERSON AND VERY RECEPTIVE UNTO HIM.

HA!

In spite of your spirituality, I saw darkness around you.

That'd be my Guardian Goth. The miasma of darkness and sorrow keeps nasty things like light and smiley faces away from me.

This darkness has been attracting disappointment to you.

...in the form of these letters.

This darkness needs to be driven away.

Yeah, well, you do it. The Guardian Goth can't drive, and it never has any gas money.

I have already started doing that for you through my prayers.

You drive by prayer? Is that why you never signal a turn or lane change?

I saw in the vision... when I placed these HOLY ANOINTED COALS from my GOLDEN ALTAR in your hands... and told you what to do, a powerful deliverance came. Your spiritual powers immediately became very strong and you were surrounded and protected by a magnificent whtie light (the Glory of God)

That sounds painful. Worse, it sounds like one of those Obrit gum commercials. Why can't I have explosions instead of light? Then I could go around making people dressed as onions explode.

['Handwriting'] -- OVER --

Page 4:

-- 4 --

Partner [Insert Name], as I said, I concentrated on your name, and through the eyes of the Spirit began to see your situation. The vision was like a picture taken from afar, somewhat fuzzy and in slow motion. Then I began to see you in the mist. I saw you walking in a fog. You were looking for a road you couldn't find. You were waiting for someone who didn't come. It was as if you were completely alone. Your calls for help weren't answered.

Pictures taken from a distance are fuzzy and in slow motion, just because they're taken from a distance?

then, suddenly, I saw you going in a different direction. However, I sw this wasn't the right road or path to take. I knew it wasn't the right direction. But what could I do to warn you? It was at that moment that I felt very strongly that I could no longer just watch passively, I had to do something about your situation. There was no more time to lose. I felt that I had to ACT quickly to prevent you from taking the wrong path.

...but the vision was blurry, and in slow motion, and from afar, and stuff. But I can see lots of stuff that I shouldn't be able to see.

You must finally seize your divine destiny and divine inheritance (and yes, it is even greater than you can comprehend or understand at this point). I believe God has sent me to you to help you.

You're right. God wants you to help me fight the war against the evil environmentalists.

['Handwriting'] NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU FEEL ALONE.

But...I like feeling alone.

['Blue ink' line, lefthand side of paragraph] *[Insert Name], you must finally have meaningful relationships with those you can trust (and stop dealing with those whom you cannot, without further hesitation).

Because I'm just all about the meaningful relationships with people in general....

You must start off 2006 in the right direction. It's not too late. With God, all things are possible. I knwo that for a fact.

Up? Down? Left? Right? Or maybe it's sorta...a funny direction...I don't know.

Of course, if you remain so full of uncertainty, so full of distress, you will push farther along the wrong path and run the risk of not being able to retrace your steps and find the right path.

Because there's no turning back at some point, and God will reject you when you take that last step and end up in Queertown, or something....

I know you've moved in the wrong direction before and during the past years, particularly, you've encountered failure. A lot has been damaged already. You have, in fact, experienced a succession of negative events. It's as though you have been drawn deeper and deeper into an agonizing puzzle and it has been impossible to find a way out. The harder you searched for it, the more it evaded you!

Puzzle? Where? I like puzzles....

*Yet, I can tell you, [Insert Name], you can emerge from this maze. I know you can! I'm so convinced, I'd like to propose that we find the way out together.

Oh. Maze. Boring.

Maze with help. Even worse.

Of course, you've made some mistakes. I saw them and you know them yourself.

Again, I start to wonder if maybe Peter Popoff thinks that he's God, or something. This guy is just way nutty.

Then again, "I've seen your mistakes, but could you tell me if it's you or someone you love that's taking medication?"

There's no reason to dwell on them. I also saw what happened when you were younger. Some of your capacities didn't have a chance to develop fully. You lacked strength and support. Life can be difficult when you are inexperienced and lack support.

Wow. Cold-reading through a letter. I wonder what this thing was that happened when I was younger that made it so I couldn't 'develop' 'certain capacities' 'fully'.

You doubt your future. Sometimes you just lack a decisive spirit. Your repeated failures often cause you to hesitate... much too often! You have difficulty facing life and imposing yourself on others, but God has placed within you what it takes to succeed.

God wants me to impose myself on others? Okay....

From today onward, you won't stand alone as you face this assault... you won't be isolated; you and I are partners now. God has put it in my spirit to help you discover supernaturally and recover your blessed life and destroy satan's hinderances.

Partners NOW? Just NOW? You've been calling me 'partner' all along.

And, um, satan's hinderances? What?

[Two checkmarks].This new period of BLESSINGS will be bountiful!! (I can already feel it vibrating very deeply in me!).

Ew.

Ewwww.

This new 40 day period of blessings is going to begin for you at the very beginning of February 14th 2006 and will reach its peak, exactly forty days later, on March 24th. (This is the second very important date in your life...)

Let's see... 14 days left in February, plus 24 is...38?

Math.

['Handwriting']go on to P. 5 -->

Page 5:

-- 5 --

After that, you'll continue to see tremendous blessings, joy and divine guidance in your life and affairs through the end of 2006! God has chosen to bless you. I believe you'll learn to recognize God's miracles by this time and learn how to grab onto them and never let them go. This year is your year of restoration and revival!

You have to grab onto miracles, or you'll lose them, because God's just mean like that.

*Now for a secret, [Insert Name]

Oooo. A SECRET!

You have great God-given potential and certain amazing "gifts". You could have succeeded in several areas. I feel that someone has stopped you from expressing yourself. It's now time to reassert yourself and take the offensive. I speak like this because I want you to act. YOU MUST ACT, [INSERT NAME]! If you do, you'll be able to appraoch all of 2006 with a new, powerful and confident attitude.

Amazing gifts? You mean like my astounding ability to never, ever do anything? That's some gift there. And yes, people do keep making me do things instead of letting me express myself through my utter laziness. Finally, you're right!

I can tell you something very positive will knock on your door during the time period I've indicated. I believe God will use me to tell you how to seize this golden opportunity.

SomeTHING will KNOCK ON MY DOOR? I'm not answering....

However, before you can "reap this great harvest," you must absolutely eliminate all of the negative energy that's attached itself to you. You must triumph over all the obstacles that are paralyzing you and trying to make you fall... and with God's help, believe me, you can do it.

With God's help, I can overcome what's trying to make me fall. With God's help, I can overcome GRAVITY!

*[Insert Name], we must act now! I believe February 14th, 2006 will mark the beginning of 40 days of miraculous blessings for you. The next 72 hours will be crucial for you and others who are close to you. Don't forget it.

How long, exactly, are those 72 hours, because we've already figured out that your 40 days aren't....

[Double blue lines, lefthand side] I've obeyed god and taken these Isaiah 6:6 HOLY ANOINTED COALS from my Golden Altar of Prayer and given them to you. In Jesus' Name, first place this little packet of HOLY COALS on your lips and say, "I will speak the Words of God." Then place it on both of your ears and say, "I will hear the voice of God and foll ow His direction." Third, hold it against your forehead and say, "I will think the thoughts of God." Then, lastly, wear it on your body TONIGHT ONLY... leave them inside the bag... do not open the bag. After they have been on your body TONIGHT ONLY... CHECK YOUR HEALING NEEDS BELOW:

I will not wear the black schizophrenia powder. It might void the warranty on my waterbed....

[ ] Back [ ] Legs [ ] Head [ ] Stomach [ ] Arms [ ] Feet [ ] Hands [ ] Eyes [ ] Ears [ ] Hip [ ] Knee [ ] Neck [ ] Explain these and other healings you need:
[Three blank lines]

...just send painkillers. Or something. Anything but more letters.

Now, RETURN THE ISAIAH 6:6 HOLY ANOINTED COALS to me. God is leading me to use them as a powerful contact point to release our faith in agreement, as I minister to you during a SPECIAL TIME OF PRAYER AND FASTING. ['Handwriting'] FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS TO RELEASE THIS POWER.

I'm not sending them back. I'll probably get busted by the postal service for trying to send something bad through the mail.

[Two 'Blue ink' lines, left] *now, there is one more thing I must ask you to do: In this vision, I saw the end of your financial troubles as you PROVED GOD. Do you believe as I do that right now God can start a MANYFOLD blessing in your life? That god is going to bless you in a greater way than ever before? I believe that the Windows of HEaven are going to open upon your life.

Yeah, I bet. If I proved god, I'd be rich....

['Handwriting'] --OVER--

Page 6:

-- 6 --

Partner [Insert Name], in Jesus' Name, thank Him with your offering. I feel led to ask you, [Insert Name], to PROVE GOD with a $27.00 offering. If you believe that God is a God of double portion blessing, I ask you to sow a DOUBLE PORTION SEED of $54.00 in honor of Isaiah 6:6-10

Ah, here we go. The begging.

*I feel this word...

What's it feel like? Is it squishy?

FOR YEA, MY CHILD, THIS SHALL BE A NEW BLEGINNING; BEHOLD, I WILL DO A NEW THING, AND THE REST OF THIS YEAR SHALL BRING GREAT REWARDS AND BLESSINGS INTO THY LIFE. BE NOT AFRAID TO LET GO OF WHAT I HAVE BLESSED THEE WITH... FOR THIS IS THE SEED THAT I SHALL PRESS DOWN, SHAKE TOGETHER AND CAUSE TO RUN OVER, AS I RETURN IT TO THEE MANYFOLD... PROVE ME NOW AND SEE MY POWER WORK FOR THEE..." SAITH GOD.

FOR YEA, MY CHILD...THIS IS THE CAPSLOCK KEY THAT I SHALL PRESS DOWN, AND CAUSE TO NEVER BE TURNED OFF AGAIN.

Praise god, get in a hurry; RETURN THIS PAGE TO ME WITH THE COALS... AND [ ] CHECK HERE to let me know you have obeyed God's instructions. Get this entire letter back to me well before the 14th of February so I can go to work for you!

...no. Not even if you pay for return postage -- which, this time, you did. And you also had 'Prophet -- I'm ANSWERING WITHIN 72 HOURS!' printed on it.

Love to you,
[Signature]

Go away.

P.S. God just spoke to me, saying that if you will obey God with a DOUBLE PORTION PROVE GOD OFFERING OF $54.00 BY FAITH, WE CAN CLAIM A 1000-FOLD RETURN! See Isaiah 1:19.

Yeah, I bet. Just keep on upping those promises even more than you up those damned 'gifts'. Is that how you get people? You convince them that the more they give you, the more they're magically going to get -- but only after they've given enough and obeyed enough and believed enough?

['Handwriting]I really believe you shall experience Joy and FULFILLMENT as never before. But, there is no time to waste. I must start right away. So much work to do and your future VICTORY and HAPPINESS hangs in the balance...

And if I don't, then I shall never have VICTORY or HAPPINESS. I might have victory and happiness, but never VICTORY and HAPPINESS.

Whatever shall I do. I missed the deadline.

Now get the ANOINTED COALS back to me after you have faithfully followed all of my instructions. When you do this, INSTANTLY thereafter, your prayers will move freely and be answered... immediately.

...unless you didn't believe enough when you followed those instructions. Then you're just screwed. Send more money!

Previous: Benny Hinn's Free Pins | Next: I was just thinking....

You can trackback from your own site, as if that really matters.