I was two letters behind when I got this one.

It came in a brownish paper envelope. Kinda like those old paper bags you can still get at the grocery store if you ask?

...and it's a pretty short and simple one, too. Good.

It came with a prepaid return envelope. Also good.

Oh, and a mystery envelope that I'm not allowed to open until I'm done reading the letter. Ooh.

So I opened it a few days later....

No goodies, but there was this card that happened to be in there upside down.

Page 1

THE MINISTRY OF GOD'S PROPHET PETER POPOFF

March 1, 2006

Dear Partner [Insert Name],

The situation is desperate and we have little time. I am writing you in this extremely urgent matter. If you are reading this letter, the immediate crisis will be averted. Pay close attention, because it could be a matter of life or death for someone you love.

That's nice. Since I got the letter, the 'bad thing' isn't going to happen. Since, y'know, it wasn't going to happen anyway. But someone might still die, even though the badness isn't there anymore. Or something.

Does this qualify as nuttier than the crazy black powder letter?

Here's why: My visions are so accurate.

Huh-what? You mean like that vague and fuzzy one about me and the fog. Or that one about my front room?

I recently witnessed in a vision a horrible attack from the very pits of hell. I was afraid that it was against someone close to you. Furthermore, I saw that you, too were suffering from a constant satanic onslaught. I promise you, this will not stop.

Wow. Two attacks in one vision. Your so-accurate yet so horribly vague visions.

Come on, someone close to me? What sort of close? Close like sitting next to me? Close like a neighbour, or on the same block? Close like immediate family, or friends?

We know there is a lot of trouble in your life, so here is what needs to be done now. There are two separate, horrible problems. Both could turn into tragedies in the next few weeks if action is not taken. I have already placed a powerful prayer covering over you and your loved ones.

Now it's loved ones, not 'close to me'. I guess that's almost clearer.

I wonder what these 'two seperate, horrible problems' are.

I've enclosed a gift for you that will literally stop satan in his tracks: a powerful prayer given to me by the Holy Spirit. It will cast a circle of miracle protection around you and your loved ones for 7 days. You must speak the words of this prayer out loud. I have done this for you. The rest is up to you.

If I must speak the words out loud, how have you done that for me?

Please, please do this or else!

Yeah! Or else!

Open the envelope with the prayer enclosed after reading this letter. Say the prayer out loud 7 times. Do this again tomorrow, then destroy the paper I recorded it on. Do this and a circle of divine protection will surround you and your loved ones. If you do not do this, I fear the worst.

I thought the prayer was so powerful that it would stop satan...but you want me to destroy it? I'm shocked. I was expecting you to tell me to tape it to my door, or something.

I feel so close to you in the spirit. I feel your hurts and your pain.

...what's the difference between 'hurts' and 'pain'?

Also: I really wish he did.

The next 90 days are crucial for your happiness. Right now you are standing at a crossroads. Take the right road and happiness will be yours. Your life is in the balance.

--OVER--

90 days now. Just keep pushing it out.

And, hey, we're back at the whole road thing from the last letter. Sorta.

Page 2

--2--

I assure you that if you take action, you will see your dreams become realities. I say to you with the boldest faith I know: Miracles are at hand for you if we take appropriate action now.

Yeah, if you take action something will probably happen. If, however, you sit around saying prayers seven times in a row, you're probably not going to get anything out of it.

Except, maybe, another letter.

1. I see both of your most serious concerns being resolved by God's miracles within this 90 day period.

Yeah, that's great. What were those concerns again? I mean, I gotta watch for them, right?

['Handwriting'] I'VE SEEN IT WITH PERFECT CLARITY.

However, I've written it in generic terms so that it fits with whoever happens to be reading this form letter.

2. I see your financial concerns being elimintated because of 5 miraculous and completely unexpected grants of prosperity. Each by the hand of God!

So, what gets us money? I think I covered that before...someone dies, there's a car accident that's the other person's fault...anything else?

As we agree together, within hours, the miracles I speak of will begin. Put me to this simple test if you have any doubts whatsoever.

It's already been hours. I haven't noticed any difference in anything.

I am entering into a very special period of fasting and prayer in obedience unto the leading of the Holy Spirit. Thousands across North America and the world have been led to fast at this very crucial time, also. This is a divine directive. All I am doing is asking you to agree with me for the next 90 days. You will see protection, victory, health, prosperity. I won't fail you. I am certain of your victory, if you will only agree with me. That is why I am contacting you in such a dramatic fashion. There isn't a minute to waste.

Yeah. This dramatic fashion. By letter, as usual. What would be dramatic is if you called me, even though you don't know my number....

Wait, I don't have to fast, do I? Because I'm not gonna....

['Handwriting'] YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT I AM INTERVENING ON YOUR BEHALF!

Do I really have a choice?

Everything will be different. You will never again be in want. Never again be lonely or without that which you desire because our faith will be united.

...something about this sounds a little bit like that time, years ago, when this Muslim guy tried to convince me that if I'd just convert, he'd send me all sorts of money....

Please do this now: Fill out the enclosed prayer sheet. You must send me two of your most personal prayer requests: one for yourself, and one request for the loved one who is most on your heart. Trust me now, because I know exactly what I am doing.

...you're trying to see if it's all the money requests that made me not respond, right?

Please do not forget to say the prayer I sent you: Seven times today and tomorrow. Then destroy it. Tragedy will be averted just as I promised.

Or it won't. Or it won't happen even if you don't say the prayer. Who knows.

Hurry now. Return your two prayer requests right away on the enclosed prayer page. Do it now. There isn't a minute to waste.

If there's not a minute to waste, then why a two page letter? Why not just "OMGSHIT UR IN TROUBLE DO THIS!" and be done with it?

Blessings.
Love, your prophet
Peter Popoff.

...mmmno.

Prayer Page

PRAYER PAGE

You must simply act this very moment and get your TWO PRAYER REQUESTS back to me for my special time of fasting and prayer. Let me pray for you. Please send me two and ['red ink' box around next three words] only two requests: Your most urgent need and the need of a loved one who is most on your heart.

Do it. Do it now. I don't care if the post office is closed. Get it to me RIGHT NOW!

Bro. Popoff, here is my most urgent request: [Bunch of blank lines]

This always happens. I can never come up with the 'things I want for giftmas' lists, either.

Here is the need of my loved one:
Their relationship to me (check) ( ) son ( ) daughter ( ) husband ( ) wife ( )mother ( )father ( ) close friend ( ) other [blank].

Let's see....

How 'bout (x) other? 'not so close friend'

Their needs: [bunch of blank lines]

Well, my friend...kinda needs for the stars to be right....

Anyone else got any needs for Brother Partner Prophet Peter Popoff?

Now, hurry, please. The time has come. Your rewards await. RUSH THIS SHEET BACK TO ME. SEND NO MONEY.

You will be billed later.

['Handwriting'] *I feel very drawn to you so I won't ask for any money for this.

Good. You ain't gettin' any.

Wait a minute...drawn to me? Is this going to turn into some strange sort of form-letter stalking?

The Envelope

[All in 'handwriting']DO NOT OPEN UNTIL READING LETTER ENTIRELY. THEN OPEN THIS AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS IMMEDIATELY!!!

I ask, PLEASE DO THIS

Front of the Card
Back of the Card

Follow These Instructions From God's Prophet Peter Popoff

[All in 'handwriting']Follow THESE INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY! RECITE THE PRAYER ON THE BACK OF THIS PAPER ALOUD 7 TIMES TODAY. I SUGGEST YOU DO IT NOW. REPEAT THE PRAYER AGAIN ALOUD 7 TIMES TOMORROW AS WELL. THEN DESTROY THIS PAPER. TEAR IT UP OR BURN IT.

I'm still not sure what the whole 'destroy this paper' thing is all about....

PRAYER:
Heavenly Father, I Jesus' name I come to you in agreement with the PROPHET YOU have sent to me: I ask you to bind every hindering force that would come against me or my house. Let your power and anointing rest upon me. In Jesus name, I pray. AMEN.

SAY THIS SEVEN TIMES

That's not a typo. They actually forgot the 'n' in 'In'.

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