I said there was more. I meant it.

I just got another letter from Peter Popoff today, putting me two and a half letters behind. Time to play catch-up.

So, here we are at the second letter....

Second Letter:

It's a short one. I've just been lazy.

Second letter again:

The second letter came with some weird shit. At least the backs of these pages were blank, though....

Second Letter:

ARE YOU READY TO RECEIVE THIS "2ND TOUCH OF GOD'S HAND??

Is this God's Hand? I thought it'd be...bigger.

ARE YOU READY TO ENTER "THE SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S SUPERNATURAL BLESSING???"

YES! I AM READY TO JOIN YOUR CULT! PLEASE REVEAL ALL THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE! IS ELVIS REALLY DEAD? ARE ALIENS REAL? WHY DON'T WE USE THE METRIC SYSTEM?!

[Insert Name] you can't out give God, LK 6:38

The verse: "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again."

I guess this might be a context issue but...where do you get that? I don't see anything about more giving or less, just...equalness in getting what you give. Or something.

God can't make junk, II Cor. 2:14,

...no matter what version of the bible I look in, I can't figure out how the fuck he got 'god can't make junk' from II Cor. 2:14.

God can't be fooled Heb. 4:12,

...again, I'm not sure how he got that. The verse seems to be about the word of God, not the wits of God.

God can't forsake you Heb. 13:5,

...again, I think there might be a context issue. At least this time the verse actually has something like that in it, though....

And yes, I've given up on copypasting the verses in. I just don't care. If you believe this guy and think I'm just a horrible person for not sending him money, that's really not my problem. But, hey, if you've got money to send, there's a paypal link over there....

God can't leave you Gen. 28:15,

...well, at least not until he's 'done that which he has spoken of'....

God can't lie Heb. 6:18

God can't lie...why? Because God says so? And are we to believe him? Seems like a funny limitation...some all-powerful being....

God can't fail Deut. 31:6,

It says 'will not fail', not can not fail. And it seems to me that God has failed a number of times....

God can't take NO for an answer Jonah 1:17,

...and we somehow get that from the line 'And God made a fish swallow a person'. Oh-kay....

God can't let our prayers go unanswered. II Chron. 7:14,

By 'our' you mean his people called by his name. Or something. Whatever. You're a dishonest little shithead. But you knew that already....

GOD CAN'T MOVE WITHOUT HONORING YOUR FAITH.

God kinda sucks then, doesn't he?

WHEN GOD'S HAND touches you all evil will be expelled and Miracles will RESULT!

...are you sure he can do that? I mean, with all that shit you just listed that he can't do....

[Insert Name], God says in Deut. 28. "The Lord shall command His blessings on thee, your enemies will flee, you'll be blessed and set on HIGH, the fruit of your ground, body and field will be blessed. ALL YOU SET YOUR HAND TO, all the WORK of your hands shall be blessed. You shall LEND and not borrow, be the HEAD and not the tail, ABOVE and not beneath... IF... you will hearken THIS DAY TO THE LORD THY GOD."

Well, at least you almost got a whole bible quote in here. Almost.

God has instructed me to enclose this Hand of God prayer cloth...You must return it to me with your needs written in the palm of the hand...

Okay.

then take the enclosed packet of Holy Oil and completely cover your hand and place your HAND upon the HAND OF GOD...

This would be the 'enclosed packet of Holy Oil', which looks suspiciously like...cooking oil.

It says "Peter Popoff's Holy Land Anointing Oil"

leaving the oil print over the needs you have written.

Because they're not really needs until they're GREASY NEEDS.

THEN RETURN IT TO ME as soon as possible along with this page.

I don't even know where this letter is anymore....

Before you return it...LAY YOUR SEED GIFT OF $15.00 in the PALM of the HAND OF GOD...saying "I CONFESS BODLY, GOD'S PLAN IS TO PROSPER ME, ELEVATE ME, AND CAUSE HIS FAVOR TO SHINE UPON ME, AS I FOLLOW GOD'S PLAN TODAY, ALL THAT MY HANDS TOUCH WILL BE BLESSED, AND FAVORED OF GOD, THIS SEED DETERMINES MY GREAT HARVEST THAT GOD WILL RELEASE TO ME."

So, now the money's all greasy....

[Insert Name], take the BIBLE PAGE with the HAND traced upon it and place it in your BIBLE in the exact place where the verses I have circled is.. WHEN I ANSWER YOU, I'LL RETURN THE HAND OF GOD...but...when it arrives there will be some STEPS OF FAITH for you to follow to ACTIVATE the Release of the Deut. 28 blessings and steps that will move you into "GOD'S SECRET CIRCLE OF SUPERNATURAL BLESSING"

And the bible's all greasy....

[centered on page][insert name], THE KEY IS YOU MUST PLANT WHAT YOU EXPECT TO HARVEST!

I've gotta put all this greasy shit in the garden now?

In this 12th month, obey God's "LAW OF THE HARVEST". The law says "YOU MUST PLANT WHAT YOU EXPECT TO HARVEST" (Gen. 1:12). If you give a little you will get a little...but if you plant much you will reap much. II Cor. 9:6

...so, I have to do it next December? Because it's January. We covered that, I think....

GOD HAS GIVEN ME 3 FAITH CONTACT GIFTS TO RETURN TO YOU... God told me to send you 3 sticks of gum...1. For a loved one who needs salvation (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) 2. A 2nd stick of gum for a loved one who needs healing (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) 3. A 3rd stick of gum for you to use that will involve a money transaction. (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) Don't underestimate what God is going to do...!

There was no gum in this letter. Just, y'know, stating the obvious. And the next two letters I got didn't have gum, either.

I suppose I didn't deserve to get the gum if I didn't send money. Must be some damned special gum.

I'm disappointed, really. I was hoping to get some gum from Peter Popoff, just so I could see if it was the same sort of gum they put in baseball cards. And I was really interested in seeing what sort of 'special instructions' he'd have for me regarding gum and money transactions....

[Insert Name], below please check the amount you are led by god to sow, Prophet Popoff, God is leading me to sow: ( ) $15.00 ( )$10.00 Prophet Popoff, I have followed your instructions and I am returning this page and the HAND OF GOD that I have placed my oil anointed hand upon...covering my needs that I have written out.

(x) -$500.00

Yeah. That's what God's leading me to sow. Now where is it....

SIGN HERE:

Hand Page:

[There is a big, but childish-looking hand outline drawn over most of the page]
I Peter 5:6
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time

Deuteronomy
Chapter 28
Blessings for Obedience
1 If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. 2 All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God:
3 You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.
4 The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock - the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.
5 Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.
6 You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.
7 The Lord will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.
[Circled Verse]8 The Lord will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The Lord your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.
9 The Lord will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the Lord your God and walk in his ways.
10 Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they will fear you.
11 The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity-in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.
[Circled verse]12 The Lord will open the heavesn, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none.
13 The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.
14 Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

[Handwritten at a slant across the page] [Insert Full Name]
God wants to exalt you!

And what the fuck was the point of this waste of paper, anyway?

Great. My cable just...froze on me, or something. Where'd I put that Miracle Healing Water.....

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