That's not exactly the point of this, though, so...lemme get to it.

I had to take a break from all the busy tonight because we'd both run out of soda, which pretty much means we go in, get soda, then check out the sales on other things we might need. Tonight's 'might need' included cereal, which was on a very confusing sale. It said mix and match, but that doesn't always mean across entire brands, even though it seemed like it might. So I had to ask.

Luckily, we got one of the friendlier, reasonably functional checkout people. He greeted us, asking how I was, and how Gremlin's knee was, all while ringing up our stuff.

"Oh, hey," I interrupted. "That cereal thing--"

"You're wondering if it'll come off? It will, at the end."

"Yeah. I wasn't sure if the Mix&Match applied to everything we got, since you need five to get it, and it was a little confusing, what with the $2. and the $1.50...."

He assured me that it was all the same sale, and finished with something to the point of, "Your dad raised you to be smart."

"Actually, that was my mom," slipped out before I caught the implication of his gesture that went with the statement.

See, he'd motioned to Gremlin.

"Oh, no. We're not related."

There was a bit more conversation -- mostly about Gremlin's work, and the Kindle, and how this guy's sister had shown him something like that. Everything came off at the end, and we saved quite a bit. Which, of course, is all manufactured to make me feel good about shopping there, but, goddamnit, I don't care.

After we left the store, I just had to ask: "So, does that mean that I look really young, that you look really old, or that we're just really creepy together?"

...and then, we packed the groceries into the backpacks, and got the hell out of there before the shitty stinkmobile that passed us on the way in [and promptly died after leaving the Checker Auto Parts parking lot] could blow up, killing the two drunken-idiot college students who must've lost a bet to have ended up with it.

I don't know if that last part happened, actually, but it sure smelled like it was going to. I swear, it'd already consumed every bit of oil and rubber contained in it by the time we'd gotten out, not to mention possibly three of six...whatever they ares in the engine.

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled internet....

I got this letter last week. I typed it all in, and promptly lost it, which is a little annoying, but, hey, at least I typed it all in.

Also, I still have the envelope.

That, right there, was all I needed to see. I knew I was in for something special. Not the 'comedy goldmine' special I usually hope for when unsolicited crap shows up, but the 'incoherent vagina rage' type.

Dear [name],

I'm writing you today because I believe that, like me, you're a pro-life Christian who shares my goal of protecting the sanctity of human life.

What'd you just call me?

We haven't met, but I'm Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family®, a Christian ministry dedicated to helping families thrive.

We still haven't met. One of your squad of sub-secretarial envelope-stuffing lackeys slapping my name into a form letter and mailing it off does not constitute 'meeting'.

If I'm right about your desire to champion a culture of life in America, then I hope you'll act immediately by going to www.FocusOnTheFamily.com/BeAVoiceForLife.

I'm more interested in championing the culture of 'get your damned kids off my lawn before I late-term abort them for you,' actually....

The good news is, thanks to friends like you, the heart of a committed culture of life is already beating strongly across our nation.

Isn't that just dandy. Why are you wasting a couple of quarters on me, then?

I'd like to share with you a story of how Christians are working to bring our nation “back to life”:

It's story time. Gather 'round....

Lee was 24 years old and unmarried when she learned she was pregnant. Having just ended a rocky 6-year relationship with her boyfriend and being estranged from her family, the last thing she needed – or wanted – was a baby.

So...lemme just fill in here. Lee's 24. Six year relationship. So, eighteen. Boyfriend not given an age. Away from her family. I'm guessing older guy, and she ran away to be with him, instead of following any previous life plan she had.

Feeling ill-equipped to parent and all alone, Lee believed that abortion was her only option. But Life Choices, a pregnancy medical clinic in Memphis, gave Lee hope for the first time. They helped her develop plans for successful parenting, reconciling with her family and getting back on track with God.

Let's try to clear this up a bit. Lee, in your standard 'my life is over' unplanned pregnancy panic, flipped through the yellow pages [or something], looking for planned parenthood, and found the incredibly misleading 'Life Choices'. Thinking that they'd help her by actually giving her options, she went in and found herself in a church with medical equipment. A sort of year-round Hell House.

“When I saw the ultrasound,” says Lee, “I was in shock, overwhelmed, scared and excited all at the same time. I mostly remember seeing his teeny, tiny heart beating – so fast! Although a part of me was still scared, seeing my baby on the ultrasound made me look at my pregnancy in a different way.

And here's where I start really feeling bad about all this. Not in a 'I shouldn't make fun of this' sort of way, but in a 'my god, people are being scammed, and they're getting away with it' sort of way. Exactly how long do places like this force you to put off the appointment? Do they even show you your ultrasound? Because, every time I read one of these stories, it sounds kinda the same. It's all about seeing their little baby, and their little heartbeats, and...what the fuck is going on here?

Okay. I just asked someone who recently gave birth about this whole heartbeat thing. She said she was able to see it at three months. Either Lee really put things off, or Life Choices really put things off. Or they used an ultrasound machine with a video feed of someone else's ultrasound. Honestly, none of these things would surprise me.

“The ultrasound made a huge impact on my decision,” she says. “I made a life-affirming decision because of God, prayer and Life Choices.”

Also, the fact that Life Choices isn't about choices. Life Choices wouldn't offer you an abortion, even if it was medically necessary. They'd make you have that thing, even if you died. Because the birth is all that matters to them. What happens to you, or the child, after it's born? Not their problem.

...which is why I made this shirt....

Lee's story is an amazing story. But, more important, it's additional proof that among women at risk for abortion, providing counseling and ultrasound results in nearly 60% more stated decisions for life than with counseling alone. What's more, Lee's baby is just one of 72,000 we now estimate have been saved in this way.

You want to play the numbers game? That's great. Let's play the numbers game. How 'bout 87% of Pregnancy Resource Centres providing false information about abortion. I'm sure that study is about as broad and sound as your study, so let's run with it, shall we?

Twenty-three were called; twenty gave false information and tried to push the investigator away from abortion.

So, what've you proved? That women should only go to real medical facilities, and not churches that bought a fucking ultrasound machine.

The problem is, we've been debating the value of human life in America for more than three decades, ever since Roe vs. Wade. But about a million women are still walking into abortion clinics every year without the benefit of seeing a sonogram of their baby. Your support will help us provide Option Ultrasound™ Program (OUP) grants for ultrasound machines and sonography training for Pregnancy Medical Clinics (PMCs) across the country, helping to reach even more women before they reach the abortion clinic door.

Changing the name won't stop people from knowing what they are. And I don't want to help your churches buy medical equipment.

I also don't want to take away anyone's choices – which is exactly what you're doing every time you lure someone in with lies.

As we face the ongoing political reality of a pro-abortion President and Congress the urgency for us to act now couldn't be greater. Ironically, just as believers nationwide were observing Sanctity of Human Life Month in January, our President, Barack Obama, pledged to champion the Freedom of Choice Act. This disturbing proposal would virtually eliminate all existing state and federal laws protecting the preborn.

Good for him. I hope he actually does it.

Because I believe you're a Christian who cares about the sanctity of human life, I'm turning to you to help save lives. In the next year, Focus on the Family wants to:

I'm a pro-choice atheist. Get the fuck out of my uterus.

• Provide 50 grants for ultrasound machines and sonography training for Pregnancy Medical Clinics (PMCs) across the country. We estimate that the lives of tens of thousands of babies will be saved as their mothers' hearts are changed.
• Educate 150 staff and board members from 50 PMCs to reach abortion-minded women before they make the tragic mistake of ending their preborn baby's life
• Equip millions of Americans to be a voice for the preborn, the unwanted and the infirm in their communities, churches and campuses.
• Encourage families to adopt one of the 130,000 legal orphans in foster care, precious kids who just want a family to call their own.

What, exactly, does all this pro-life crap have to do with the elderly? Are there 80 year old grandmas being forced to abort out there? Perhaps to make an ancient, mysterious Asian dish of some sort? Like bird nest soup, but with the uterine scrapings from a pregnant octogenarian?

Also, I already said no. Doesn't no mean no?

In order to accomplish these important objectives this year, I'm looking for new friends like you to rally behind us and help raise an incredibly ambitious $3.4 million. Would you consider doing something extraordinary to help? Would you send a gift right now to help take decisive action, save lives and build a new culture of life?

I am so far from being your friend right now, it's not even funny....

Your gift of any amount will help actively protect and nurture life in all of its dimensions – including the preborn, the elderly and the infirm – and proclaim our shared belief that humanity is created by God in His image. That's what our Lord would have us do. With your gift of $35 or more, we'll say thank you with a copy of the audiobook Why Pro-Life? You'll find more details on the back.

My gift of any...wait...I think I'm getting an idea....

Lemme finish this first; I'll get back to you.

We'd be honored to have you come alongside us. You can use the reply form provided. Or take action even faster at www.FocusOnTheFamily.Com/BeAVoiceForLife.

Ah, yes. The reply form. And the envelope...without a stamp. Cheap bastards. You're as bad as the Scientologists.

Many Americans support our goal of commonsense protections to save lives and protect women's health, so we have good reason to be optimistic about the future. But it's up to each of us, in our words and deeds, to secure that future by honoring life. May God grant us strength and resolve for this lifesaving work.

You fucking weasels. You're really going to finish it that way? Of course many Americans support 'common sense protections to save lives' and 'protecting women's health'. But not like that. Not through lies and bullshit.

Common sense protection is teaching kids about birth control, and how to protect themselves from STDs so they don't wind up with interesting new varieties that they pass on to their kids – the ones they suddenly have at fifteen. Protecting women's health includes abortion.

With you guys, though, I have absolutely no reason to be optimistic about the future. Especially not mine. In your future, I'm nothing more than subservient breeding stock, bound to a man even if I happen to be a lesbian.

That is not a bright future. I want nothing to do with it.

Sincerely,
[signature]
James D. Daly, President and CEO

P.S. Your willingness to take a stand for life is more important now than ever. So please join with Focus on the Family to honor and protect human life with your gift today.

I'm taking a stand for my life – the only life I'm able to stand for, or even speak for.

And, since you just reminded me...about gifts.

These guys? They do not need money. They need extinction. Their little group needs to be buried.

I say, send them a big, fat reality check. Expose them. If you've ever been hurt by one of their little Choiceless clinics, do something about it. Even if you weren't hurt – even if you caught on and got the hell out and went somewhere where they'd actually give you a choice, expose them. Expose their ads. Expose their methods. Catch them in their lies. Put them online for everyone to see.

It won't change their minds, but you might be able to warn someone else before they make a mistake. And you might even keep them from posting yet another stock-photo embellished story on one of their crappy, crappy websites....

There's my gift, and it comes with a strict no-returns policy.

This might be one of those, assuming it doesn't already exist.

So, I've got this DVR through Comcast, and I noticed a few things about it, and it's given me an idea for a feature it could probably have with a little bit of extra work on...someone else's part.

If you've got a DVR, you've probably noticed that show names show up, and change when you rewind past it to a different show. That's coded somewhere, I'm sure, and sent to the box.

That's important to know, because that's basically what my 'idea' involves, except potentially a little more complicated...because...lemme think how to word this....

Ever seen an ad for a show and thought 'yeah, I want to set up a recording for that'? If you're like me, you don't want to even bother going in to use the search function, because it's tedious. And tracking it down in the onscreen guide can be a pain in the ass, too.

So, here it is: let people set up a recording for the show through the ad for the show. A little extra code embedded in the ad that would let you easily set up a recording for that specific show.

I can see the potential for an evil side to this, but...I kinda want this ease.

Also, if I somehow managed to think of it first, I totally want paid.

Seriously, don't bother. And, speaking of not bothering, I'm not going to bother with 'spoiler warnings' [as if I ever do], because the trailer already spoils the ending.

I'm not kidding.

If you are going to see it, rent it and get the rifftrax. Because that's the only way you can survive the incredible boredom.

I'm not kidding. It's not even remotely scary. I've seen scarier episodes of...whatever that show is on SciFi [or SyFy, as it's now called] where the plumbers go around looking for evidence of hauntings, and getting mostly evidence of how people work themselves up into believing shit's happening when it's not....

It could've been better. Maybe. If they left out the weird darkside thrumming that alerted viewers to when stuff was about to happen. And maybe if they'd done some other stuff.

Like, instead of having it escalate, have it be more random. Have stuff happening in the background of the boring, couple-ey scenes that don't do anything for character development. Stuff that you have to, y'know, be paying attention to notice. That'd be interesting.

But, no. You've just got the one door moving, some sheets moving, some lights flipping on and off, and...a lot of boredom.

Also, on night 18, there's an elephant.

You think I'm kidding, don't you? I'm not. No, there's not actually an elephant in the house -- that might be interesting. It's just that trumpeting noise. Part of the 'ooh scary sounds' is very much an elephant.

I probably wouldn't have made it to night 18 if it weren't for the Rifftrax, though. I would've shut it off after night 3. Instead, I managed to sit through the entire thing.

My reward? "Who let Cthulhu in here?"

Thanks, guys.

I've blurred everything addressey out because, well, it's Scientology. And I really don't want them figuring out, through process of elimination, which of the houses within the specific mail-out radius of this particular mission is responsible for this.

That's not what I saw first, though. Not the address, or the 'Are you holding yourself back in life?' question. No, this is what I saw first:

Well, of course there is. But, having not attained true financial success, I can't really afford the nearly half-a-million [minimum] it'd cost to go up the bridge, now, can I?

But, what the hell. I've been neglecting my website; you've given me free content. Financial success, here I come!

Is that a trick question?

Please provide non-Scientology sources.

This test is going to...wait, what? Does this mean it's going to give me a papercut somewhere I've never had a papercut before? Are we talking deep, splenic papercuts here? Because I'm really not interested in those kinds of papercuts.

Also, let me fix that for you....

You've never seen anything like this before!* Just fill out this test and mail it in. You will receive a FREE in-person and in-depth analysis of the results. OBLIGATION FREE!** The Dianetics® Foundation is a Non-Profit Organization for the public education about the human mind.*** This is a free public service. ****

*Unless you've ever been online; then you might be familiar with the recruitment personality test Oxford Capacity Analysis*****.
**Does not include the obligation of either signing up for costly auditing, or the obligation of being on our mailing list for the rest of your natural life.******
***Subsidiary of a long list of other foundations which honestly have nothing to do with this stated aim, and are really only in it for the money.
****Not exactly.
*****Not affiliated with Oxford
******Due to our beliefs, that's a really long time, yo.

So, let's get to that test, shall we?

This may take a while. Better go grab a drink. Possibly some munchies. And, maybe, something to induce the munchies....

Page 1 [it's really rather large].

No. Just, no. Why? Because, fuck you, that's why. I already know about this test; I know it's fucking rigged so that, even if you do select all the so-called 'correct' answers, you can't actually 'pass'. They'll just tell me that I'm sabotaging this and that, and that I'm suffering from something that can only be cured by going up the fucking bridge.

Also, because you mailed this shit to me, which means that I'm going to respond however I please.

Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?

Yes. I often regret not saying the other thing that came to mind instead.

When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed?

Rattled? Like, the infant toy? I think that, if I ever saw that, I'd probably laugh. That's not exactly remaining composed, is it?

Or is this some weird form of attack involving rattlesnakes?

Do you browse through railway timetables, directories or dictionaries, just for pleasure?

I think it's time to update your test. I have randomly gone through dictionaries [and even phonebooks] before, just because. We've got this little thing called the 'internet' these days. You remember the internet, right? That series of tubes that recently pwned you so hard you still can't sit properly?

When asked to make a decision, would you be swayed by your like or dislike of the personality involved?

Depends entirely on the decision. If someone I loathe asked me to decide whether or not to save a kitten? I'd save the kitten. If someone I respected asked me to join Scientology? I'd tell them to die in a fire.

Do you intend to have two or less children in your family even though your health and income would permit more?

I intend to have zero children. There is no matter of health or income.

Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles when there is no logical reason for it?

There's a biological reason. Does that count?

Would you prefer to be in a position where you did not have the responsibilities of making decisions?

Yes. In fact, I'm planning to spend my next vacation in a persistent vegetative state.

Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people?

How the hell am I supposed to answer this according to how I feel right now? Seriously?

Also, I wouldn't be surprised. Except that there are probably some actions people can predict.

Do you consider more money should be spent on social security?

I request clarification.

Do other people interest you very much?

That depends. Are they walking around without any skin? That would interest me very much. No? Leave me alone.

Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?

This seems like the sort of thing the person administering this farce of an analysis would be able to note for themselves, instead of it being asked.

Do you normally let the other person start the conversation?

Let? As if I have any choice in the matter?

Are you readily interested in other people's conversation?

Depends. Are the conversations interesting, or are they prattling on as loudly as possible about the latest round of voting on one of those insipid talentless shows?

Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing?

Depending on my mood, I think that rather encourages me....

Are you often impulsive in your behavior?

Yes. Impulsive. Reckless. Usually after much careful planning that I've decided to throw away in favour of something else. Because I'm totally like that.

Before you ask: no, I won't be losing myself in your kiss. Please leave, and take your incredibly creepy soundtrack with you.

Do you speak slowly?

No. Maybe. I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Are you usually concerned about the need to protect your health?

Allow me to answer this question with an injection of influbola -- all the fun of Ebola, in a flu-like package. Call now, and get this free used needle!

Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch?

Why, yes, I do have reflexes. Don't you?

No, I suppose you wouldn't. Not after all those TRs where you're trained to make unblinking, unwavering eye contact no matter what happens.

Are you normally considerate in your demands on your employees, relatives or pupils?

Nine out of ten of all my employees and pupils say the beatings I administer are quite considerate. The tenth...cannot currently comment.

Do you consider that you could give a valid "snap judgement"?

What the hell is it with you and consider?

Do your past failures still worry you?

If they didn't, I'd probably repeat them. Past failures pave the way for future successes, or something trite like that.

Do you find yourself being extra-active for periods lasting several days?

No. I do tend to sleep whenever I can, after all....

Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do?

Resent? No. Ignore? Usually.

Is it normally hard for you to "own up and take the blame"?

Whatever it is: I didn't do it.

Do you have a small circle of close friends, rather than a large number of friends, speaking acquaintances?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds of not having enough to make a circle.

Is your life a constant struggle for survival?

All life is. That's how evolution happens.

Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?

No. And don't you start that shit, either.

Are you considered warm-hearted by your friends?

Yes. If by 'friends,' you mean 'cat.'

Would you rather give orders than take them?

I'd much rather do neither, if you don't mind.

Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates?

What associates?

Could you agree to "strict dicipline"?

Giving? No, probably not. Taking? Absolutely not. Both requires social interaction, and I refuse to put up with that.

Would the idea of making a complete new start cause you much concern?

...are you asking me if I want to be born again? I think I'm a little large for that.

Do you make efforts to get others to laugh and smile?

Why would I do that?

Do you find it easy to express your emotions?

I'm currently annoyed. Am I expressing it appropriately? You'll have to tell me so I know if it's easy to express it, or if I need to put more effort into it.

Do you refrain from complaining when the other person is late for an appointment?

If anyone made an appointment to see me, I'd probably cancel.

Are you sometimes considered by others a "spoilsport"?

Probably. I suspect that you're feeling that way about me right about now, due to my refusal to play along with your little money-sucking effort....

Do you consider there are other people who are definitely unfriendly toward you and work against you?

I think I'd like to defer this question.

Would you admit you were wrong just to "keep the peace"?

You mean, would I lie to make someone happy about winning? Not without a toxic dose of sarcasm.

Do you have only a few people of whom you are really fond?

Can I have a real number, please?

Are you rarely happy, unless you have a special reason?

Aren't most people? I mean, most people who aren't the sort of creepy, eternally-happy people you worry about when they're near sharp objects?

Do you "circulate around" at a social gathering?

Someone mixed up this list with a list of questions from the last game of 20 questions. Assume the answer is yes and try to figure out what the object was....

Do you take reasonable precaution to prevent accidents?

Of course. I always make sure to point the scissors away from me when I run, never take cheap candy from strangers, and, when harassing large animals, I always make sure I'm not the slowest runner in the group.

By the way: how the fuck do you prevent an accident? They're accidents, not on-purposes.

Does the idea of talking in front of people make you nervous?

Yes. Also, homicidal.

If you saw an article in a shop obviously mistakenly marked lower than its correct price, would you try to get it at that price?

Of course. And I usually get it, too. See, they kinda have to do it, unless it's blatantly obvious that someone ripped off one price tag and put it on another item.

The store near here was selling those mid-sized boxes of Hot Pockets [possibly five to a box?] at 4 boxes for $10, or something cheap like that. We stocked up. The store made a mistake -- and admitted they made a mistake -- but they kept the price because the loss they took on the Hot Pockets was made up for by other sales. Sales they wouldn't have gotten if it weren't for the insanely cheap Hot Pockets.

I'm a big fan of getting stuff on the cheap. Their mistake is my gain, and I intend to gain.

Do you often feel that people are looking at you or talking about you behind your back?

I don't stick around long enough to notice these things, so there's really no way I could feel it.

Are you "always getting into trouble"?

<nerd> "I have the death sentence on twelve systems." </nerd>

Have you any particular hate or fear?

Nothing I'd share with you guys. I wouldn't want to wake up to find my bed filled with...kittens, or anything. Oh, damn. Now I will, won't I? How horrifying.

Do you prefer to be an onlooker rather than participate in any active sport?

Neither.

Do you find it easy to be impartial?

Not enough information.

Have you a definitely set standard of courteous behavior in front of other members of your family?

Oh, yes. For the last ten or so years, I've had an incredibly unbeatable streak of politeness. If you're not there to be rude, you're nothing but polite.

Can you "start the ball rolling" at social gatherings?

How heavy is the ball? Is there an inclined plane involved?

Would you "buy on credit" with the hope that you can keep up the payments?

I bought a house. I will not, however, be buying your services on credit. Is this how you judge who'll be easiest to draw in?

Do you get an after-reaction when something unexpected such as an accident or other disturbing incident takes place?

Didn't you already ask this question?

Do you consider the good of all concerned rather than your own personal advantages?

What? No.

When hearing a lecturer, do you sometimes experience the idea that the speaker is referring entirely to you?

Only when they're actually talking to me, or about me.

Does "external noise" rarely interfere with your concentration?

That depends entirely on the noise. Also, what am I concentrating on in this situation?

Are you usually "up-to-date" on everyday affairs?

Do you mean the news? No.

Can you confidently plan and work towards carrying out an event in six months time?

Oh yes. I can confidently plan on cancelling it tomorrow.

Do you consider the modern "prisons without bars" system doomed to failure?

...what the hell is that?

Do you tend to be careless?

I believe the correct answer is, "Oops."

Do you ever get a "dreamlike" feeling toward life when it all seems unreal?

More of an 'uncanny valley' type feeling when I notice that things in the real world look as if they've been CGed in.

Do you speedily recover from the effects of bad news?

My recovery time is incredibly fast when compared to that of your average sea sponge.

When you criticize -- do you at the same time try to encourage?

Yes. Exempli gratia: This personality assessment is complete and utter bullshit. I encourage you to leave Scientology by converting to a less obnoxious religion. Or, you could die. Either way. I don't care.

Are you normally considered "cold"?

I've been called worse things.

Are your opinions insufficiently important to tell other people?

No. It's kinda the other way around. People don't matter enough to me for me to bother telling them anything.

Are you so self-assured that it sometimes annoys others?

I don't know. Ask them.

Do you keep "close contact" on articles of yours which you have loaned to friends?

Whenever I loan something to someone, I glue myself to that object.

People don't ask me to lend them things now.

Do you enjoy activities of your own choosing?

Would I choose to do them if I didn't enjoy them?

Does emotional music have quite an effect on you?

Not really into Emo. Not that I have any fucking clue what falls under that genre....

Do you completely condemn a person because he is a rival or opponent in some aspect of your relations with him?

Um, maybe? What?

Do you often "sit and think" about death, sickness, pain and sorrow?

Yes. Also, I read about it. Would you like a list?

Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity?

What dignity? Would I be doing this if I had any dignity?

Are you always collecting things which "might be useful"?

Of course. You never know when you'll need an extra set of ribs.

Would you criticize faults and point out the bad points on someone else's character or handiwork?

If they asked me for my opinion.

Are you openly appreciative of beautiful things?

I cried when I saw the Vampyroteuthis infernalis in that one episode of Planet Earth. What, you don't think it's beautiful? That's hardly my problem. Also: shut up.

Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you?

I rarely give away things that do belong to me. Why would I bother being generous with someone else's shit?

Do you greet people effusively?

Effusively. Burbling. Gushing. So, like...with a hose? Haven't tried that yet....

Do you often ponder on previous misfortunes?

There's that funny déjà vu feeling again....

Are you sometimes considered forceful in your actions or opinions?

Of course not. And nobody would disagree with me, either. Not unless they want a hose-greeting in the middle of a blizzard....

Do you accept criticism easily and without resentment?

Is it valid?

Are you usually undisturbed by "noises off" when you are trying to rest?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Noises off? What the fuck is that?

Are you likely to be jealous?

Why? What are you planning to do?

Do you tend to put off doing things and then discover it is too late?

Only when it's really important.

Do you prefer to abide by the wishes of others rather than seek to have your own way?

I prefer when the wishes of others and my way are in agreement [id est, when they don't want me to be around, and I don't want to be anywhere near them].

Do you find it easy to get yourself started on a project?

Oh yes. Finishing, on the other hand....

Do you bite your fingernails or chew the end of your pencil?

I used to. I don't use pencils anymore. I go through a lot of keyboards, though....

Keyboards are kinda hard on the teeth, too.

Do you "turn up the volume" of your emotions just to create an effect?

My emotions go up to eleven; unfortunately, they've been stuck on i for quite a while now. I'm not sure what that means.

If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country?

No, because they'd probably be annoying the hell out of me through some protest or another.

Are there some things about yourself on which you are touchy?

Maybe. Or, wait, are you asking me...if I touch myself? I can't tell. Half the time, even if it looks like you're asking a clear and sense-making question, I can't be sure. Because, Scientology.

Do you have few interests and activities that are your own choice?

Compared to everything in the world? Yes. On average? I might be interested in more things than some people.

Do you ever get a single thought which hangs around for days?

No. They usually bring friends, and get quite rowdy. Last time, I had to call the thought police.

Are you a slow eater?

Sometimes. Depends entirely on what I'm eating.

Can you be a stabilizing influence when others get panicky?

No.

Didn't you kinda ask that before? Something about rattling?

Would you stop and find out whether a person needed help even though they had not directly asked you for it?

What could I possibly do to help anyone? And why would I bother? They might sue me for not being tall enough to reach the last bottle of coke on the top shelf. And then the store would kick me out for climbing up to get it.

Are you prejudiced in favor of your own school, college, club, or team, etc.?

Does this have to do with sports?

Do you pay your debts and keep your promises when it is possible?

Wow. That's conditional, isn't it?

Do you sleep well?

As I am not a qualified sleep specialist, I cannot answer this question.

Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you?

No. I'd use capital punishment.

Do you prefer to take a passive role in any club or organization to which you belong?

If by 'passive' you mean 'not joining', then yes.

Are you logical and scientific in your thinking?

Yes. Except when I'm not.

Does the youth of today have more opportunity than that of a generation ago?

Opportunity to what? Fuck up royally without getting killed? Yeah.

Do you throw things away only to discover that you need them later?

Is this one of those contradictory questions? If the answer is yes, but the 'collecting in case of future use' is yes, then...well, it's not like you actually bother going over the test thoroughly anyway, so maybe I'm putting too much thought into it.

Would you give up easily on a given course if it were causing you a considerable amount of inconvenience?

For this question, we will define 'considerable amount of inconvenience' as 'interfering with my ability to survive, or involving Scientology.'

The answer is yes.

Do you "wax enthusiastic" about only a few subjects?

I enthusiastically wax squids.

Do you rarely suspect the actions of others?

[Insert Spanish Inquisition Joke Here.]

Do you sometimes wonder if anyone really cares about you?

Why bother?

Do you turn down responsibility because you doubt your fitness to cope?

I'm doubting my fitness to cope with the responsibility of finishing the next page of questions. After the first 107, I'm not sure I can go on.

I will, though.

Page 2.

Home stretch, and all that. Only...okay, I haven't bothered to look. I'll let you know later.

See that image over there? That's an ad from the second page.

Honestly, I might just try that again. The reading of Dianetics, I mean. I keep meaning to for...some other thing that I really shouldn't talk about. Except everybody probably already knows anyway.

Do you sometimes feel compelled to repeat some interesting item or tidbit?

Yes. If it's interesting, I want to share it. Sometimes, even when it's not. Like this.

Do you tend to exaggerate a justifiable grievance?

If it's justifiable, how can I exaggerate it?

Is your facial expression varied rather than set?

That's an incredibly insensitive question. What if I had some sort of medical condition involving facial paralysis?

Do you usually need to justify or back up an opinion once stated?

Usually, when people ask me for my opinion, they follow up with 'why?' So, yeah.

Do you openly and sincerely admire beauty in other people?

Didn't you...oh, people? No.

Would it take a definite effort on your part to consider the subject of suicide?

Much less effort than it's taking to finish this. But, hey, at least it's not That Twilight Thing I Did.

Would you consider yourself energetic in your attitude toward life?

Less and less.

Would a disagreement affect your general relationship with another person?

Isn't that kinda what a disagreement is?

Does a minor failure on your part rarely trouble you?

Another one of those questions, huh? Or does the 'minor' thing make it totally different?

Do you sometimes feel that you talk too much?

Yes. I'm trying to cut back. I'm down to ten words a day.

Do you smile much?

That's something I've successfully quit.

Are you easily pleased?

Not anymore.

When met with direct opposition would you still seek to have your own way rather than give in?

Directly oppose me and find out.

Provided the distance were not too great, would you still prefer to ride rather thank walk?

Who said I prefer to ride? And ride what?

Do you ever get disturbed by the noise of the wind or a house "settling down"?

Is this that 'noise off' thing from earlier? No. I'm usually entertained by it. The sounds are neat.

Is your opinion influenced by looking at things from the standpoint of your experiences, occupation or training?

And here's where I finally snapped and decided to look up the 'correct' answers for the test. By 'correct', I mean 'the answers that give you the best possible score.' The answer for this one is 'yes', because, duh. Everyone's opinions are influenced by their experiences, training, and occupation.

Do you often make tactless blunders?

How many other kinds of blunders are there? I mean, can you really commit a tactful faux pas?

Are you suspicious of people who ask to borrow money from you?

Yes. They might be involved in Scientology.

Are your decisions swayed by personal interests?

Seriously? This is a question? Again? Except, 'decisions' instead of 'opinions'?

Can you get quite enthusiastic over "some simple little thing"?

Things, even little things, are rarely simple. Or are you referring to retarded midgets?

Do you frequently take action even though you know your own good judgement would indicate otherwise?

Yes. That's why I'm doing this, even though that little, annoying voice in my head is saying, 'Stop that. It's more trouble than it's worth.'

Are you in favor of color bar and class distinction?

Quagga?

Are you aware of any habitual physical mannerisms such as pulling your hair, nose, ears or such like?

Yes. I have a very unfortunate tic that involves a pair of rusty pliers and your teeth. It's really quite awful; fortunately, it only happens when I've been asked about fifty very stupid questions.

Can you quickly adapt and make use of new conditions and situations even though they may be difficult?

Like most animals that've survived to reproductive maturity, yes.

Do some noises "set your teeth on edge"?

Oh yes. Remember that fear from earlier? The one where I wake up and my bed is just full of kittens? That mewing noise they make, it's awful. Makes my skin crawl right into the neighbour's house. Also, my liver switches places with my brain.

Can you see the other fellow's point of view when you wish to?

Only if they're my height. Otherwise, I might have to stand on something....

Do you go to bed when you want to, rather than "by the clock"?

Yes. And there isn't a clock near my bed, either. So there.

Do the "petty foibles" of others make you impatient?

Annoyed, if I'm not ignoring them entirely.

Do children irritate you?

You have no idea. Or maybe you do, based on that one other question about kids....

Are you less talkative than your associates?

What associates?

Hell, it doesn't matter. People who don't even exist are more talkative than I am.

Do you usually carry out assignments promplty and systematically?

As long as the assignment is 'procrastinate'.

Even then, I'd probably put that off....

Would you assist a fellow traveler rather than leave it to the officials?

The officials are far better equipped to handle whatever they need.

When voting, do you vote the same party ticket straight rather than studying the candidates and issues?

I don't vote.

Do you frequently dwell on your past illnesses or painful experiences?

I'm too busy dwelling on present pain to bother with past pain.

Do you get very ill at ease in disordered surroundings?

No. Extremely ordered surroundings make me nervous, though. Extremely ordered surroundings that are full of kittens. God, no. A clean house and kittens. Don't ever do that to me.

Do you usually criticize a film or show that you see or a book that you read?

If it sucked. And, y'know what? Even if it didn't. Because it's fun.

When recounting some amusing incident can you easily imitate the mannerisms or the dialect in the original incident?

No.

In subjects about which you are not expert, are your ideas of sufficient importance as to tell others?

Sometimes. Once I've had the time to flesh them out into something more than just a random idea. Or if the person who is an expert isn't likely to just write me off as a complete idiot for lacking the proper collegiate pedigree.

Do you have a tendency to tidy up a disorder of somebody else's household?

Why would I do that?

Can you accept defeat easily without the necessity of "swallowing your disappointment"?

...you said 'swallow'.

Do you often feel depressed?

Sorry, what? Too busy sniggering immaturely over 'swallow'.

Are you ever ill at ease in the company of children?

GODDAMNIT STOP REASKING QUESTIONS. You're like a fucking toddler.

Do you get frustrated at not being able to do something rather than finding a substitute activity or system?

Yes. But, sometimes, a complete time-waster of an activity comes along to fill that annoying downtime. Like this.

Are you sometimes completely unable to enter into the spirit of things?

As stated: no. Because it's most of the time. Keep your spirit at the pep rally where it belongs, and far away from me.

Do you rarely express your grievances?

What do you think....

Do you work in "spurts," being relatively inactive and then furiously active for a day or two?

Spurts. Furiously.

Tee hee.

Does the number of uncompleted jobs you have on hand bother you?

Sometimes. But, then, I get something done, and the pride of having completed something is awesome.

Do people enjoy being in your company?

No. Go away.

Could you allow someone to finish those "final two words" in a crossword puzzle without interfering?

Absolutely not. For I am the Crossword Ruiner. I swoop in, distracting the individual, and fill in the last two words. Because crossword interruptus is funny, and I'm a lame-ass supervillain.

Do you consider the best points of most people and only rarely speak slightingly of them?

I constantly 'slight' people's best features. Wait, what?

Do you laugh or smile quite readily?

I told you, I successfully quit smiling. Are you trying to get me to relapse?

Are you definite and emphatic in voice and manner?

No, goddamnit. Seriously, leave me alone.

Are you effusive only to close friends if at all?

There's that word again. Everybody gets the goddamn hose.

Are your interests and fields of knowledge so important as to give little time for anything else?

Translation: 'will you drop everything and devote yourself fully to Scientology?'

Would you like to "start a new activity" in the area in which you live?

Translation: 'Can we con you into starting a mission, or, perhaps, an org?'

Would you make the necessary actions to kill an animal in order to put it out of pain?

Yes. I'd take it to the vet.

Is it easy for you to relax?

Not if I'm in the kitten room of terror and woe.

Do you have little regret for past misfortunes and failures?

I thought I already answered this....

Does the idea of fear or apprehension give you a physical reaction?

Am I scared by the idea of being scared? Is that what you're asking? Srsly?

Can you trust the decision of your judgement in an emotional situation in which you are involved?

Since my decision is usually 'get the hell out of here', yeah.

Could someone else consider that you were really active?

I doubt it.

Do you find it hard to get started on a task that needs to be done?

Only if thinking about it counts as getting started.

Are you opposed to the 'probation system' for criminals?

Only if it involves mandatory Scientology auditing.

Do you spend much time on needless worries?

At least as much time as I spend on completely worthless website content.

In a disagreement do you find it hard to understand how the other person fails to see your side, and thus agree with you?

No. I fully understand that most people are so very attached to their point of view that they can't allow themselves to see things any other way.

Do you cope with everyday problems of living quite well?

As a member of the undead, I find that question offensive.

Are you usually truthful to others?

Unless I'm kidding. I have no control over whether or not they take me too seriously....

Would you rather "wait for something to happen" as opposed to you causing it?

I think it depends entirely on the 'something'. In this case, I'm much happier about getting this list of questions without having made it happen. I don't want to know what would've happened if I'd made something Scientologish occur in my general direction.

Do you spend too freely in relation to your income?

Translation: 'Will you spend way more than you'll ever have just to go up the bridge?'

Can you take a "calculated risk" without too much worry?

Somehow, this feels like a restatement of the previous question.

If you were involved in a slight car accident, would you really take the trouble to see that any damage you did was made good?

Indeed. I want that damage to be exceptional. Wait, 'slight' is defined as 'fewer than fifty cars, but more than ten, with major interstate blockage,' right?

Do others push you around?

Well, I am very small.

Do you make allowances for your friends where with others you might judge more severely?

No.

Do you often ponder over your own inferiority?

I'm rather apathetic about my inferiority.

Do people criticize you to others?

Yeah. It's kinda funny, actually....

Like, this one guy? He called me a Scifag once -- okay, a lot of times. It was funny.

Are you embarrassed by a hearty greeting such as a kiss, hug or pat on the back, if done in public?

Don't touch me. No, seriously, stay the fuck away from me. You have Body Thetans, and that's fucking gross.

Do you frequently not do something you want to do because of other peoples desires?

I frequently don't do whatever they want to do. Is that what you're asking?

Are you sometimes convinced of the correctness of your opinions about a subject even though you are not an expert?

Opinions aren't facts. Opinions should be fluid, given new information. And opinions shouldn't be formed without a certain quantity of information.

Why the fuck am I even bothering to explain this?

Do you often find yourself "going off in all directions at once"?

Yes. Every day at 15:28 MST, I explode.

Do your acquaintances seem to think more of your abilities than you do?

I think that depends on how well they know me. Also, possibly, their gender.

Is the idea of death or even reminders of death abhorrent to you?

Allow me to answer that question with a particularly violent and nasty killing....

Having settled an argument out do you continue to feel disgrunteld for a while?

Only if it was a particularly unsatisfying resolution.

Are you friendly in voice, attitude and expression?

Another question that seems more like a thing that's supposed to be an instruction for the proctor.

Does life seem rather vague and unreal to you?

I think this test is designed to make life feel vague and unreal, what with all the 'didn't I just answer that?' moments.

Do you often feel upset about the fate of war victims and political refugees?

Not that I've noticed. Then again, I haven't noticed any war victims or political refugees recently, either. Didn't I mention that I don't keep up on the news?

Do "mere acquaintances" appeal to you for aid or advice in their personal difficulties?

Yes. But I won't refer them to you.

If you lose an article do you get the idea that "someone must have stolen or mislaid it"?

Elves, actually. Little, tiny elves. Or possibly pixies.

Probably pixies. But not cute little things with shapely girl-bodies and wings. Oh no. These things are all horrible and toothy and evil. And you can't really see them. And they sneak in just outside the range of your peripheral vision, and move stuff around.

Don't go looking for them, though. If you see one, you'll end up mislaid.

What, don't believe me? Where do you think all those missing people went? They're not prisoners in Disneyland's Costumed Character Slave Stables. Oh no. Those bodies turn up. But the people who get 'mislaid'? They never do.

If you thought that someone was suspicious of you and your actions, would you tackle them on the subject rather than leaving them to work it out?

If I had nothing better to do that day, I suppose I might.

Do you sometimes feel that your age is against you (too old or too young)?

Iunno. How old am I again? If you say 'too old to be wearing that shirt with GIR on it, I'll hurt you.

Do you have spells of being sad and depressed for no apparent reason?

I'm having ever-more-frequent spells of déjà vu....

Do you do much grumbling about the conditions you have to face in life?

When life gives you lemons, put them in a sack and beat the everloving shit out of life....

Do you consider you have many warm friends?

What, do you think I magically got some friends between question 25 and question 200?

So, here we are at the end. Finally. No more questions. And, no, I didn't bother to number them. I'm not even sure if I got them all. And I don't feel like going back through and checking, because, ih.

Before I continue with the rest of the pictures, though, here's a list of all the questions, with the answers that give the highest possible score. I probably could've just copypasted that list, but...no. That'd be like stealing, and, therefore, quite wrong. This way, I put a bunch of effort into it, making it not quite as wrong.

I feel like they should also include something along the lines of:

By signing this, I consent to an investigation by Child Services into the matter of whether or not I'm a fit parent.

How nice of them. I totally never would've figured out how to refold it and send it back if they hadn't put that box there. Also, yeah, copyright notice. Look at that. It applies -- to their stuff only.

Believe me, it totally applies. Because I'm not retarded enough to claim any involvement with the creation of 'noises off'.

I do notice that something is slightly...absent from the instructions, though....

They forgot to mention that they're cheap bastards. So much for free.

Nothing here, so don't bother looking around. Or, do. Because it really doesn't hurt me either way. But I got a bunch of stuff done, so, interesting.

Because, mostly, I don't get much done. Mostly.

In the past couple of...I don't know. Days or so...I managed to get the theme over at gremlin.net working, then I went straight into tweaking a theme for Wasted, Inc.

gremlin.net took a while because I was starting from scratch; Wasted, however, was pretty quick, since it was heavily based on a theme that already existed, and all I really had to do was...gut it. I'm good at that.

Since I was doing so good, I decided that it was time to dive into something I'd never actually done before: a skin for phpbb3. Starting out with a theme that kindasorta had what I kindasorta wanted, I went through, learned everything I could, and applied it to the board. Thanks to some inspiration from some phpbb3 theme site that I can't get to load for me right now, and a lot of help from the phpbb knowledgebase, I was able to add whole new template files. Sure, the board doesn't look exactly like the blog, but it's damned close.

Now I'm moving on to another skin. Because working on that is so much better than bothering to think up anything for any of my dormant projects.

So, I've got this theory [theory, definition 4, 'shit I just made up'] -- all this productivity is bad. It's a symptom of something. Combine that with the fact that I've watched far too much House MD, and I came up with cancer [because it's never lupus, except for that once].

If you're unfamiliar with the show, there's usually one theory involving cancer. The cancer is either causing paraneoplastic syndrome, or secreting some naturally-occuring hormone that causes bad things.

Thinking about it now, both work for this theory.

Cancer version 1 could easily be causing an overzealous immune response, and said response could be attacking my naturally-occurring...um...procrastination cells. Procrastanocytes. Yeah. Now, normally, I have a very high natural level of procrastanocytes, but they're being killed off by this immune response, leading me to actually get things done.

Never heard of procrastanocytes? Well, they're these little cells in your blood that just sorta hang around and don't do much. They don't really even circulate, unless they get picked up by something else. They'll often collect in the brain and just hang out for years, not really doing much of anything. When this happens, you can come up with brilliant reasons for why you shouldn't bother doing things until later.

Cancer version 2, on the other hand, is just pumping out massive quantities of productivity. Productivity I don't have an unclever name for. But we'll just pretend that productivity is some sort of neuro-chemical thingy that makes you productive.

I'm not really sure where these cancers would hang out, but I'm guessing it's not my brain. My first thought was 'pancreas', because it already makes insulin, so why not a tumour that pumps out productivity? But the first one? My money's on spleen.

Because...spleen.

So, what's the treatment for a fictional cancer [for which the only symptom is 'getting shit done']?

You had a good thing there with Lego Star Wars. Lego Batman and both of the Lego Indy games...don't exactly recapture it in all it's entertaining awesomeness, but what is? When you introduce something this awesome with a game that includes magical fucking powers the force, everything else is going to feel strangely inadequate.

I have hope for Lego Harry Potter – though...slightly less hope than I previously had, now that I've played Lego Indy 2.

Oh...by the way – and you had to know this was coming – I have some suggestions. Before you say anything, fictional voice of Traveller's Tales, I'm not deluding myself. I'm not expecting anything. I fully understand that posting something to my own website [and only half-jokingly addressing it to you] is about as useful as knitted socks for fish. However, it's no more passive-aggressive than most things you'll find on the internet. I get that I'm just someone muttering while the rest of the world uses sound amplification methods concerts would envy. And that I'm doing this muttering from another galaxy, possibly in a completely separate universe.

I'm cool with that, though. I wouldn't know what to do with your attention if I actually had it. I barely know what to do with my five and a half actual readers.

So, anyway: suggestions. I have a few.

1. Dropping in is easy, but....

Let's start out with an...easy-ish one. I won't pretend to know what sort of coding goes into making these games work. I get that it's complex, and takes multiple teams of individuals to hammer out such huge, glorious messes [and then another team or two to fix half the bugs before foisting the beta testing on an unsuspecting, paying market]. I doubt this is all that difficult, though.

I'm having pronoun issues, aren't I?

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, the Lego games let a second player 'drop in' by just activating a second controller and pressing 'start'. Dropping out, however, takes a bit more effort. You have to disrupt Player 1 by pausing the game, and scroll down the list to get to 'drop out'. This is just wrong.

See, there are a lot of times where you want to drop out, but it's inconvenient. And I'm sure there'd be a way to do it that wouldn't disrupt the flow of the game. A combination of buttons that wouldn't normally be pressed except to drop out, or one of the unused buttons. I'm sure there is one.

Make it conditional, if you have to. Player 2 can press 'start' to drop in and drop out, and that's all start does for Player 2. Player 1 has control of everything else – the pause screen, whatever. I'm fine with Player 1 being in charge, and I'd be able to drop in and drop out to take care of all those basic bodily functions that seem to plague me more often than my usual gaming partner.

2. The Split-Screen.

This is new to Lego Indy 2, and I kinda like it. Or, I would, if it weren't so...oddly conditional. There are some levels where it just doesn't activate at all. I can't really guess why, but it kinda hurts the whole 'working together to beat something by tackling half of it while the other guy gets the other half' thing.

Go ahead and keep it. But...don't make it so damned...conditional. Let us wander. If we're supposed to be in the same spot, we'll figure it out, okay?

3.Preservation, perfection, and the badness that is progress for the sake of progression.

Did I mention you had a good thing going? You did. And you integrated them nicely into other themes. However, there are some changes you've made to Lego Indy 2 that I really, really hope won't be in Lego Harry Potter.

3a. No hot-swapping? What the fuck is that about?

And, before I get into this....

3b. Dude, where's my free-play?

You've replaced the awesomeness of free-play with bonus/treasure levels? Really? Ugh. No, really. What I loved most about Lego Star Wars was the ability to pick a favourite and stick with it, while knowing that I'd get a shortie and a jumper and a bounty-hunter that I could left-trigger or right-trigger to without much thought. I miss that. A lot.

3c. Really? Spread out spawn points creating an epic, map-wide scavenger hunt for the mystery skill?

Instead of hot-swapping for these specific little no-longer-freeplay missions, you've stuck me with having to search all over Liberty fucking Island for that one unidentifiable wrench guy. And you've crammed him onto an island I can't parachute into from my flying thingie.

Yes. I'm annoyed.

If you want to have special 'take the right guy in' short levels for extras, put them in. But it can't really be that room-consuming to code for free-play and special extras, can it? You can give us both; we won't complain that the game will take longer than six hours to complete.

Unless, of course, you make it longer by forcing players to go on between-play not-really-sidequests looking for the fucking WrenchGuy.

3d. That really says it all. 3D. And perspective.

I ran into some serious issues with Lego Indy 2. It combined the weirdness of the shadows of previous games with an interestingly forced perspective, leading to platforms that looked like they were aligned a certain way, but they actually weren't. If you're going to create a weird, almost side-view platformer, you don't get to fuck it all up by placing objects out of alignment. OR, you have to get the shadows right. Those are your two choices. Alignment, or proper fucking shadows. And, as good as you are, I don't think you're ready for shadows.

3e. Driving levels are wicked fun, but....

No, really. They are. I love them. Mindless, bumper-car fun. Stop trashing the fun with annoyingly difficult puzzles.

You know which one I'm talking about. The jeep, the truck, the horse, and the motorcycle? The switches? The nearly impossible jump over the burning books, and onto that teensy little platform that you somehow have to keep your overly-bouncy jeep from bouncing off of?

Yeah. I thought you'd remember that.

Which brings us to another problem with the vehicles. The phrase 'independent suspension' does not mean that the wheels are entirely without physical relation to the vehicle they're supposed to be attached to. I know, I know: they're Legos, right? But...do they have to be so pointlessly bouncy and yet so completely incapable of getting over a bump? When I wasn't having fun destroying things, I was either waiting for my car to land, or wondering why the hell I couldn't get out of the ditch I finally landed in.

And then, the bounciness never actually worked to my advantage. While I could, without trying, accidentally send a truck flying by running over a random Lego stud, I couldn't get the same lack of gravity to apply when hurling the truck off a cliff to collect one of the balloons.

4.While you're thinking about the rest of this, here's a few even-more-unlikely suggestions.

Okay. I'm being harsh. Lego Indy just wasn't the continuation of the fun-fest I wanted it to be. But you've got a working theme [starting with the tried-and-true Lego Star Wars template, with that interesting good/evil Lego Batman thing that could probably be worked with]. Let's go with that.

You don't have to stick with movie franchises. Really, you don't. There are so many properties out there that have so much Lego Potential. Harry Potter was one of them [though, I'm not entirely sure what you're going to do with Deathly Hallows. So much of that book is 'camping'....]

Since I'm pretending that you're reading this at all, I'll pretend you didn't stop reading the instant I said 'fuck' and got all critical, and that you're willing to listen to my suggestions for potential future Lego games.

Lego Resident Evil

Not the movies. Fuck the movies. I'm talking about the original games, re-worked into a LegoStarWarsian funfest. Take the first three games – you wouldn't really have to do much. Rebuild the levels to fit into a Lego world, keep the puzzles, because, really, they're not that different, and...have fun. The second and third kinda take place in the same area, so you could reuse things, but in unique ways.

C'mon. Little Lego zombies? Little Lego Nemesis? A Lego Plant 42? A Lego Neptune? Having to go back into a level as Lego Nemesis to unlock certain things? C'mon. Talk to Capcom about it. It'll be fun.

Okay. If you have to, get your lawyers to talk to their lawyers. You're owned by Time Warner now, right? They should have a few. If it helps, promise them you'll look at some of their crap for another game while you're at it. Lego games could continue to be instant money if you just remember to keep it enjoyable.

Honestly, that was the only serious suggestion I had. I can come up with a few more, though. Less serious, and potentially problematic if you're looking for cross-platform releasing. Personally, I wouldn't say 'no' to the potential fun of a Lego Legend of Zelda, but I can see Nintendo not being pleased with their boy showing up on another console. Especially after that Philips CD-i fiasco....

Also, I can't really think of a lot of ways to make that into something like Lego Star Wars. Not much for swapping there, so, really, I think you'd be looking at something more of a Legoified remake of the initial game [which could be fun, but probably not something you want to do].

Not that you really need all those elements for a game to be fun. Or even Lego. I just don't know how well it'd go over.

Oh! There's always Pirates of the Caribbean. That could be fun.

If I may wander completely outside of reasonable and find myself in the land of 'rather insane', how 'bout something really strange, like Lego Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Yeah. That's kinda not likely. But I bet it makes Lego Resident Evil look like a good idea, now, doesn't it?

Just think about it, won't you?

What am I going to do? Well, I'll be watching for these games, or any of these other suggestions to show up in your future Lego games. I figure, I'll see them right around the same time that I see a new EarthBound game released in the US, or perhaps a non-paper, non-sucky sequel of Super Mario RPG.

First, though, I should wrap this up. Can't exactly pretend it's getting read if it's just sitting here where nobody can see it, can I?

For some reason, when I'm writing here, I tend to think of my parents as a single entity. And, I don't know why, but I refer to that entity as 'Mom'.

This is really very unfair to my dad, who really is a seperate entity, and is just as awesome as my mom. And he deserves equal credit for the presents I've gotten -- not just the ones from this year.

...and now I guess I have to go fix something before getting lost in another game, or distracted by glossy, full-colour science.

The card reader that's in my computer died...a few months ago, and I just haven't gotten 'round to replacing it yet. I've been relying on this external card reader; it's slow, and, being small and not in my computer, easily lost.

I found it, though. Then, I spent half an hour getting several months of pictures off my camera....

Then, there was the unfortunate discovery that the recent server restructuring left me unable to import things from my special Gallery upload folder, which meant a quick trip to customer service, where I found out that my guesses on where I should point Gallery's 'permissions' were correct...except something was getting in the way. So, FTP, and undoing and redoing the file permissions on that folder, and...finally, it works.

So there's new stuff in the Digicam Originals 2009 folder over there, and I can finally post about the presents.

Chips, fudge, cookies.

Including pumpkin cookies, which apparently attempted an escape somewhere along the way.

While arranging everything so we could get the traditional video for mom, Zombi decided that it'd be most helpful to get under the sofa cover.

Two new batteries for the Wii charging station mom got us last year. The old batteries were flaking out -- not holding a charge for very long. And one of the contacts was starting to look a little more corroded. They were used; I can't blame mom for that, though, because I'd have probably gotten them used, too, if I could find them.

Two Wii Classic Controllers, for the Virtual Console games I might someday get if I ever acquire Wii Points. One of these was actually Gremlin's gift.

I kinda hope that, eventually, Nintendo release some VC games on a disc or something, the way Microsoft has.

Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks, for the DS. A game that probably would've been responsible for the delays in posting this if two new games from Gamefly hadn't shown up with the presents...and I haven't even touched one of them, yet. I'll talk about that in another post, though....

Yes. A cordless electric kettle. I asked for it. I wanted one. Because, well, tea. If you can't understand that, that's not my problem....

Also, it's not really your annual non-denominational Family Gathering and Gift Giving day if you don't get at least one useful kitchen item. This might be the first time in the history of ever that the useful kitchen item got used immediately, though.

Artificial black roses. Really, that's the only way to get them.

Then there's this. This thing that I asked for, and didn't expect to get, because, really, who expects their parents to track down a newly released DK book? But here it is. Prehistoric Life. The cover also says The Definitive Visual History of Life on Earth.

If you've ever seen a DK book, you know they mean it.

The last half of the video I sent to mom was of me sitting there, leafing through the book, trying to pronounce interesting new names and basking in the glow of CG-enhanced educational materials.

The rest of the night [or, really, the next six hours] were spent on the sofa with Gremlin, drinking tea and going through the book. And lamenting the fact that the book, having come out this year, is already outdated. And the fact that DK have not yet released a comprehensive guide to the cephalopoda.

Seriously, DK. Get on it. Take some time off from your visual guides to Star Wars and your level one stuf about mammals and print up a gigantic, glossy, adultish type book that encouraging parents can get their bright, adult-minded children to inspire them toward careers in teuthology. One that covers the extinct stuff, too.

While we're on the subject of squids, this is what I decided to do with the flowers, since I...don't really have anywhere else to put them right now. I think it looks kinda nice with the mushroom cloud poster behind it.

I should probably be a little more clear, shouldn't I? I'm talking about gay marriage – well, marriage, really. 'Marriage' being the 'ball', and the people bitching about the 'sanctity' thereof being those who need to shut the fuck up and go home.

Because I've got an idea. A really awesome idea – awesome because it's mine, and I'm feeling particularly awesome right now.

Don't worry; it'll pass.

Here's my idea: ditch the term. Let them have their word. Just the word, though – okay, and the bullshit church ceremonies that go with the word, but not the rights.

You 'sanctity of marriage' types want gays stuck with 'civil unions'; gays want the rights. It's a compromise. A good compromise.

But, wait – there's more.

While we're doing this, we've got a great chance to fix this rather fucked up system. No, not with semi-facetious 'divorce bans'. I mean really fix it.

It starts with replacing 'marriage' with 'civil union', transferring all rights from one term to the other, and opening it up to both heterosexual and homosexual couples.

Weddings and 'marriage' ceremonies will still exist, and still carry about as much legal weight as they do now, but the 'civil union license' won't enter into it. You'll still be able to have your Special Pretty Princess Daaa-aay™ – nothing about that will change. It'll still be a pointless, overpriced ceremony that'll leave you with fewer friends than you went in with, a fucking huge pile of debt, and the slightly ishy feeling when you notice that someone had their poodles married under the same flower arrangements.

Here's where things start to get a little fuzzy for me, because there are states' rights issues, and all manner of other things. I'll just get it out of the way up front: people who are already married don't have to worry about these next suggestions. People who want to, though?

Step 1. The Civil Union Permit.

You've met your soul mate. The one being in all possible universions that you're meant to be with [this week]. You love him/her, always and forever, or until the fall fashions hit the retail version of a second-run cinema. You want to get married now, now, right now, right now NOW damnit NOW and run barefoot through some Valtrex ad.

Well, you can't. Not under my system. Stop stamping your foot and caterwauling about the 'sacredidity' of your Elvis-in-a-pink-UFO drivethrough wedding [with free Taco Bell!], and the subsequent divorce one day later....

Go out with that person – and only that person – for at least six months. Yeah, I know, that seems a little arbitrary, but work with me here. At six months, the two of you can go in and get a 'civil union permit' – assuming you're both over eighteen.

There will be no fourteen year olds getting married to their father's drinking buddy under my system.

If you haven't already, move in together. Do not skip this step; it's important. You can't qualify for the civil union license without cohabitation.

What? Can't cohabit without a blessing from your deity of choice? Doesn't matter. Go get that blessing, and move in together. It doesn't matter to the rest of us – our state is separate from your church.

Why am I making such a big deal about living together? Ever hear that line about how you don't buy a car without test-driving it first? No, I'm not talking about sex, here – not entirely – just living together. Two people; one flat. One bedroom, even. Because you don't buy a car without test-driving it, and you don't commit to spend the rest of your life with someone without knowing if you can stand to live in the same several hundred square feet.

The permit only grants you certain privileges. What those would be, though, I'm not entirely certain. Let's face it – there are a fuckton of rights, privileges and responsibilities laid out in the US Code. I'm thinking that a permit probably wouldn't grant you spousal benefits with Social Security or Veterans stuff. It might get you a special provisional admittance into certain military things. Since it's just a permit, though, you obviously don't get the full thing. Think of it as a learner's permit, but, instead of learning how to drive, you're learning how to be married.

Probably, it'll grant you the right to file joint tax returns. It'll be up to the insurance companies whether or not to grant coverage to the probationary spouse.

Does this sound like a lot of work? Good. Getting married is too damn easy as it is.

The permit lasts for two years. If you still want to get married at the end of that two years, you can apply for a 'civil union license'. If not, it expires, and that's it. If you want out before that, you can cancel the permit.

If you cancel the permit and break up and get back together, and want to reapply, you're going to have to wait. First 'offence' would probably be 90 days; second would be about six months. Third: a year. Do it again, and you'll probably be denied. Stop wasting everyone's time with your drama.

You might be able to renew it, if you, for whatever reason, feel you aren't ready to move on. I'm not sure how long renewals will last. It's not really required, but it'll smooth things along if you can't be bothered to meet certain other requirements.

Want to skip all this? You can, if you're both over, say, 25, have provably lived together for at least two years, and...possibly some other requirements. You can skip over the permit and head straight to....

Step 2: Civil Union License

Yes. Here it is. The license. The thing that grants you all 1,138 rights, benefits, responsibilities, privileges, and possibly penalties.

If you're under 25 and have gone through the permit process [meaning you've lived together for two and a half years total], or, if you [and your intended spouse] are both over 25 and have lived together for two years, you can apply for a civil union license.

Am I repeating myself? Yeah. But I think I'm trying to make a point here.

Don't ask me what it is; I'm not entirely sure yet....

Once you've gotten to this point, you've already got a trial period under your belt. You haven't killed each other over the wet towels on the bathroom floor. You've got routines worked out, learned that a relationship is work and compromise and not even a little bit about horseback rides down beaches at sunset.

Also, you're reaching the end of that first stage, and potentially moving away from the 'insatiable lustbunny' part of the relationship, and into the slightly more 'comforting just being together' part. Mostly, though, you've learned to coexist, which is good. In the current system, you could find yourself suddenly living with someone you never lived with before, and...if you've never had a roommate, you might not understand why this is a horrible idea.

You might've also figured out whether or not you're sexually compatible. This is kinda a big deal. One of you wants an open relationship, but the other doesn't? That's going to be an issue. Fetishes don't mesh? Might not work. These are things you need to work out – and I'm not just talking about in this hypothetical system I'm inventing.

Getting back to the convoluted mess I'm making, though: the application process. I'm thinking that, somewhere in there, it might be a good idea to require STD testing for both parties. Hell, it might be a good idea to require that for the permit. The application process could include the optional 'delay of approval' if the couple wishes to include some sort of external contract [a prenuptial agreement] or, if it happens to be important for whatever reason, fertility testing. These things wouldn't be required unless the couple agrees that they should be.

There would probably be a sort of short interview process in which the couple sits down with someone to go over the details, making sure everyone involved knows what they're getting into, assuring full disclosure and all that. Then, once everything is verified, in order, and reasonably comprehended, you're issued your 'civil union license'.

Oh, by the way, you'll have to renew it. If you want to remain spouses, that is. It's not as big a deal as getting it issued. Both parties need to be present. There may be a way to do this digitally – like the online renewal of drivers' licenses – but both parties have to agree to it.

See what I did there? I did away with divorce. Ha ha.

Okay, not entirely. There are still situations in which the civil union might be dissolved early. For example: you just found out that your previously perfect husband is sneaking into your daughter's room for a little midnight buggery. In most cases, though, it'd be much easier to just let the license expire. If your previously decent spouse suddenly turns into an abusive shithead, and you just wanted to escape and forget about it, you could. He or she wouldn't be able to renew the license without you.

Lawyers needn't worry too much; I'm sure they'll still be needed to sort out bitter property and custody disputes after licenses are left to expire. In situations without kids, however, where the couple is no longer a couple [one has changed, they can no longer stand living together, whatever], it just...seems much simpler this way. No more long, drawn out divorces. No more finding out that you're still married because some idiot didn't get the papers filed by a certain date.

Yeah, okay, I'm basing all this rather heavily on the driver's license model, but it just seems appropriate to me. People change; sometimes people change a lot. You jump into a relationship young, you're not really done becoming whoever you're going to be. Neither is the other person. And, yeah, I know that's true even past 25.

This is obviously a very rough plan. I'm not entirely sure how to account for people coming in from another country to become the spouse of an American. I think that, whatever it may be, it'd be convoluted enough that it might reduce the number of purchased brides. That could be a benefit.

As I mentioned before, people who are already 'married' under the current system would remain married. They could choose to opt into the 'renewal' process, but, if they didn't want to, renewal wouldn't be required. They would simply remain married. Rather, they would have a 'civil union' that didn't require renewal.

The number of years between renewal would probably vary, and there could be an option to renew for a different number of years. Two or five or, at some later point, even ten. And, if you make it to a certain number of years together [after a certain age, possibly], you could make it 'permanent'.

If you'd rather just get married, go ahead. Have the ceremony. But remember: the 'rights' only apply to the governmentally issued contract. Church + State != nummy peanutbutter cups, so stop trying to mix them up. You'll just end up with a nasty, icky jar of premixed peanutbutter and green jalapeño jelly.

Why all this? Partly because a bunch of whiny little brats don't want those nasty, nasty homosexuals playing in their sandbox because ew gay cooties I might catch the homosex oh no, but not entirely. I mostly just think that a lot of things could be avoided if people just stopped jumping into marriage the instant they meet someone who makes their insides feel all squidgy.

There might be easier ways to fix that second issue. The first bit [gay marriage] would just require repealing [and possibly burning] the Defense of Marriage Act, and replacing it with a 'Gays are people, too, so STFU Act' [or whatever]. The second? Maybe, instead of abstinence-only sex-ed, we could consider...something a little more realistic. Say, 'Not having sex is okay, but, if you're gonna, here's how to be careful, and why' education...possibly with a bit of 'oh, and here's a bunch of stuff you should expect when you get into that sort of relationship' education. Teach them a bit about the difference between 'lust' and the sort of love that goes with a long-term relationship. Maybe teach them about how a relationship involves compromise and hardship and really very little in the way of gallant knights who are also well-paid professionals zipping up in their modern equivalent of a noble steed to rescue the swooning maiden....

Yeah. I know. Schools teaching that? The knight/swooning maiden thing is far more likely. So: permits, licenses, renewals.

That's...pretty much it. My wonderfully awful idea.