Instead, I'm just going to...talk about this...mad, gibbering horror of a series. Get it out of my system; say a few things I forgot to cover in the...well, they're not reviews, are they? And they're too long to be called summaries. I don't know what they are any more.

See, I can't review things. I'm either 'that sucked' or 'play by play of suck'. I haven't found a proper balance, and I probably never will. It's something I just can't be good at.

Who cares, though? This is my website. I'll put stuff here, and, if it displeases you, that's really not my problem. I'm actually comfy with sitting here, rambling to myself.

If you do want to read them, you should probably read them in order. Here, have a list:

• Twilight
• New Moon
• Eclipse
• Breaking Dawn: Book One
• Breaking Dawn: Book Two
• Breaking Dawn: Book Three

As with all things on the internet, this post will be waiting here for you when you get done.

If you've read them, you'll know that I made no secret of my dislike for the entire series. I've technically read the entire thing twice now, and that's more than enough to have a reasonably informed opinion regarding degrees of suckitude.

Other readers will have formed their own opinions, of course. When you read something, you see what you want to see, or what you know. With a series like this, it's incredibly easy to read into what's there, because there's so little.

Yes, it borrows heavily from so-called 'classics' – but what doesn't? It's nearly impossible to write something without referencing another work, even inadvertently. This series does it clumsily, though. There's no subtlety, with 'references' coming across more like a very ham-handed product placement. The best thing that can be said about them is that, when their appearance slams you out of the already stuttering and sluggish flow of the story line, it's a kindness.

That the story itself is unoriginal can't be held against it; so many stories are. The trick is to take that same old plot and make it your own, if not in a unique way, then in a way that doesn't seem tedious because it has interesting characters. I'm not sure that Stephenie Meyer has done that here. I'm not even sure that she was interested in doing that.

The story itself comes off as if Meyer were following the instructions off a store-bought box.

Place into bag:

• Tortured, conscience-having vampire(s).
• Other fantastic, shape-shifting beings.
• Antagonist.
• Subjects of 'social commentary value' – racism, abstinence, et cetera.
• A main character serving as an idealised representation of the author.*
• Everyday locations.

Shake, mixing thoroughly. Bake. Adjective and adverb to taste, and serve.

*For a more palatable dish, exclude this ingredient.

It's Shake&Bake: Fanfiction [G-PG rating].

I suppose I could be falling into the same trap everyone else does, but...really. Vampires living off animal blood? They might even have souls? The uncommon, endearingly-clumsy female – whose clumsiness ends up drawing in the vampire, who feels the need to protect her. He stalks her, watches her while she sleeps, and, eventually, they get married and have babies? I overthought the recipe. All you have to do is take the Buffy/Angel relationship, reduce it so that no redeeming qualities are left [shouldn't take long], and dive right in.

Maybe I'm too old – maybe I've always been too old – to understand what sort of appeal these sorts of stories hold for anyone. Shallow, fluffy romance where you know everything will come out fine in the end. A little too fine, with everyone surviving.

These are exactly those sorts of books. A fake tension hook in the beginning – and, if you were fooled by the first one, the second one really shouldn't – and a resolution that leaves everything but your faith in a good, plausible story [even if it is about the supernatural] alive and well.

Why can't a secondary character die? Yes, it hurts; yes, if you've done your job as an author, we've become emotionally attached to the character. It should make us cry. We should be left feeling something. Anything that can't be fixed with a dose of pepto and The Talisman.

I don't care what you think of Stephen King's ability as a writer, or if it instantly makes you question my qualifications to even have an opinion on anything anyone's written, ever. When he killed Wolf in The Talisman [and I'm sure it was him, and not Straub, because he does it all the time], he made me cry. Yes. I cried. Because I fucking cared about Wolf; King made me care about Wolf.

Honestly, I'm not sure where my problem is. It could be with Meyer for this saccharine little Mary Sue dreamworld she conjured for herself, and foisted onto an undeserving public; It could be with the fact that, as it turns out, the public does deserve it, after all.

I suppose I can't blame young, immature females for lapping up this godawful swill. They're probably looking for something safe and comforting, and a fictional world in which even the nightmare creatures are safe, where nobody ever dies, is probably the safest thing they can get their too-clean little hands on. What the fuck is up with the older women, though?

Why the fuck do we have things like this:

Seriously? Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Does your love for this series stem from a history of reading Harlequin Romance? I hope so, because that's all these books are. Harlequin Romance novels lacking 'turgid manhoods' and breasts springing forth like startled pheasants when loosed from their restraints. If the USA Network were to get ahold of and edit your standard bodice ripper, you'd have Twilight.

If only Lifetime had gotten it, instead. Then, we'd have Bella escaping, pregnant, to a shelter for abused women, desperately fleeing her past, possibly reconnecting with estranged family and putting them at risk while they try to protect her from her abusive stalker of an ex that she married [against their advise] fresh out of highschool. She might even lose the baby.

It's a movie done a hundred times over by Lifetime, but it's still better than Twilight.

I think I've run out of things to say. When I post this, I'll probably think of a few dozen more things I'd intended to say, but I think I'll leave it here. I'd like to repeat my heartfelt thankyous to the person who leaked Midnight Sun [you're a real-life masked superhero, whoever you are], and to everyone who actually read the other six posts. It's been an ordeal [60 pages now; I'm so proud of myself]; thanks for suffering with me.

If you'd like, we can all meet up for cake and suicide. I promise, the cake isn't a lie.

Life sucks, and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

--Breaking Dawn Book Two Prologue

I'm not getting my hopes up that this is a departure from the standard theme.

Jacob seems annoyed at being trapped in these books. A packmate recently imprinted on his sister, and life sucks. He wonders if shooting himself in the head would do much.

He wonders when he'll find out that Bella's been turned, and how. I'm wondering if the only difference between Jacob's voice and Bella's voice is the lack of irritating florid prose about Edward.

We get to meet Quil's...mate? Three years old. This is really very disturbing.

She had a princess themed birthday party. Quil had to wear a crown. And makeup, eventually. Because he's imprinted on a fucking toddler.

Wrap your head around that. A...teen in an adult's body [because, you see, they mature quickly with their first change]...and a three year old girl.

No time to dwell on that, though, because it's time to assemble the pack for a little gossip. Charlie called someone on the reservation; Bella's back, but she's sick. Does this mean it's time to go in and take out the Cullens? Yay. Let's debate.

The pack isn't going after them. Jacob, however, is. Against the pack's ruling.

At the house, Jacob begins to feel bad about the idea of killing Carlisle.

Jacob gets descriptive about Edward's obvious suffering, and then gets descriptive about Bella.

Change a couple of words, and it could be Bella talking about Edward.

Bella, by the way, is hugely pregnant.

Edward wants to talk to Jacob outside. Bella demands that they behave. Jacob has some more doubts, because he doesn't want to kill girls – even vampire girls.

Edward has a minor breakdown at Jacob. Jacob demands to know why they haven't aborted.

'She won't let us.'

'That's so Bella.'

'You can offer her what she wants!'

'lol wut'

'I just want to keep her alive. You can do her. She can have a litter of puppies instead. Make her see the logic behind me pimping her out to you.'

Jacob considers this, comparing her to a weekend movie rental, and considers just killing Edward instead.

Edward promises that, when Bella dies, he'll beg Jacob to kill him. On this, they have a deal.

New chapter. The titles in Jacob's 'book' are more fanciful than the chapter titles in any of Bellas'. This one is 'Why didn't I just walk away? Oh right, because I'm an idiot.'

That chapter title speaks to me in ways you might understand....

They've gone back inside, and Edward's informing everyone that Jacob wishes to speak to Bella alone. Rosalie refuses; Edward promises that he and Carlisle will be where she can see them, and, since they're the two Bella's afraid of, no harm will come to her beastfoetus.

Bella objects to this; she's not afraid of Edward. Edward attempts a backtrack. Jacob is sickened by her behaviour, and thinks she'd have been better served by living back when she would've been fed to lions. I find this a very agreeable mental image.

Jacob and Bella chat a bit. Jacob compares her to a drug – what an exciting new metaphor! We've never seen that one before, not in this series.

Bella promises that she'll keep her heart beating, because she's strong enough for that, and that everything will be better for Jacob once he imprints on some other girl.

She refers to the monsterfoetus as a 'he', prompting Jacob to bitterly quip about how he should've brought blue balloons, and we learn about how very mystical the baby is – they can't see it on an ultrasound, because 'the membrane is like their skin'.

But she's sure it's a boy, because of her nightmares.

Jacob tells her to get rid of it and start over; Bella thinks he means artificial insemination. She figures it out in the end, is surprised that Jacob didn't tell on Edward to get him into trouble, and decides that she doesn't deserve either of them.

He leaves after Bella says 'I love you,' and becomes a wolf again. Sam orders him back with the power of the 'Alpha voice.'

The pack sees what he's seen in his head. Their response is, literally, '!!!!'

After a long stream of thoughts – signified by italics and choppy sentences – Sam decides it's time to attack. See, the treaty doesn't cover this, and that's a good excuse. Except, earlier, Sam didn't want to, when they thought the treaty had been broken.

Leah agrees, saying that Bella is dying anyway, and that it'll be quicker if they kill her first. Jacob attacks her. Sam orders him to stop.

Jacob is powerless against the 'Alpha voice'.

Seth also doesn't want to fight; they're his friends, after all. Sam renders him powerless, too.

Jacob remembers that the role of Alpha had been his birthright, and embraces it. He breaks free, becoming a packless Alpha.

Sam tries to assert control; Jacob reminds him that he wasn't born to follow Sam, and that it was supposed to be the other way around.

Sam tells Jacob that Jacob can't defeat him, and that, if he [Jacob] orders them to follow – an incomplete thought, interrupted by Jacob saying that he'll never take anyone's will away in that way.

Sam asks if Jacob belongs to a coven now. Jacob responds. Apparently, the 'alpha' in his voice has some sort of impact, due to his birthright. And possibly his size, because he's bigger than Sam.

Jacob runs away, and the pack throws a wolfy tantrum in the form of a lot of howling.

Suddenly, he's being chased by enthusiastic thoughts. It's Seth.

Jacob tells him to go home.

Seth asks if that's an order.

They discover that they can't hear the other wolves – only eachother.

Jacob has a tantrum of his own. He doesn't actually want to be the alpha of a pack; he wants to be a lone wolf. Ha ha.

They argue about the significance of the change, and decide that they have better things to do. They have to warn the Cullens. So they run, Seth falling into place in 'the traditional spot of the second'.

Seth explains that he wasn't after a promotion; Jacob tells him to run wherever he wants.

They discuss what to do if the other pack shows up, and plan on running patrols. Jacob tells Seth to stop being so optimistic about the reduced numbers of the pack, and their possible unwillingness to attack their own brothers. Jacob tells Seth to shut up.

...then, they wonder if they should be thinking 'We come in peace' at Edward.

More thought-conversing ensues.

The wolves run patrol while the Cullens hook Bella up to an IV and try to feed her that way.

The next day, Leah [Seth's older sister] joins their pack.

Howling, of course, is the warning signal they arranged to warn the Cullens that the pack is coming to attack. This is the second time that Seth's done it – the first being a response to hearing about Edward's plan to pimp Bella out to Jacob for babymaking. Seth gladly leaves to let the Cullens know that it's just his sister.

More thought conversing. I need a word for this...how 'bout thoughtversation?

Leah claims she's here because she wants to protect Seth. Jacob figures out that she's here to get away from Sam. She still loved him; he wanted her to disappear. She finds the idea of protecting vampires far more tolerable than having to put up with that.

Jacob goes to inform the Cullens about what's going on, with his newly larger pack, and with the plans of the other pack. He does so in human form, giving Carlisle some page-time.

Carlisle explains that Bella is already like a daughter to him. He talks about how vampire venom can work miracles, but it can't do anything if the human's heart isn't beating. Also, about how the monsterfoetus won't let her eat. Bella's body is rejecting all forms of nutrition.

Jacob thinks it wants blood and death. I begin to suspect that the monsterfoetus is some sort of meta-embodiment of we who loathe this series, struggling to be birthed into this horrible reality so it can end everything in one violent, toddlery spazfest.

Then, it's time to get medical. Carlisle wishes he knew more about the monsterfoetus. Ultrasounds don't penetrate the amniotic sac, and it's doubtful a needle would, either. Not that it matters; Rosalie won't let Bella consent to an attempted amniocentesis. Carlisle just wants to know a little more, like how many pairs of chromosomes it has.

Humans have 23 pairs; Vampires have...25.

The book crashes into a wall of biological impossibility, exploding like a Pinto and killing everyone involved.

Oh, goddamnit. Werewolves have 24 pairs. I guess everyone did survive.

Carlisle is sorry about poking around in Jacob's blood. He says he can't help it; he's extremely curious.

Edward's been listening in, because he's like that. He thinks Jacob might be right. The monsterfoetus might want blood, after all.

Hey, why not. We've got all that O neg stockpiled for Bella. Let's give her a sip and find out.

Rosalie's all for it. She's being driven by vicarious maternal instinct, though.

Bella asks who's going to catch a bear for her, when they tell her their idea. No, no, let's not cut corners. She agrees anyway, calling it her first vampire act.

Shouldn't that be vampiric act? Act of vampirism?

Jacob watches Bella and Edward interact, and begins to understand why Leah tried to make everyone else suffer. He feels he's in the same position as her. A few paragraphs are spent overstretching that premise.

We get to see the starts of an antagonistic relationship between Jacob and Rosalie while Rosalie's off getting a cup of blood for Bella. Bella's mildly disturbed by the fact that the cup of blood smells nummy.

Of course it does. It's the blood of your fans. You've been sucking it for several books now – the only thing that's changed is that you're doing it in the book. In actual words depicting actions.

Jacob wonders how anyone can stand to live with Edward hearing their thoughts all the time. He finds it annoying. I find it strangely hypocritical, because of the wolf thing.

Bella wants more blood. And some eggs. But mostly more blood. Jacob wants to sleep.

There's howling. Jacob runs off, shifting, forgetting to remove his pants, destroying the only clothes he has left. Four members of the other pack are there to have a chat, but it can't be done as wolves. One of them is coming as a human.

Jacob's pack bickers about rank a bit; Jacob says, again, that he doesn't care where anyone stands. Personally, I'd rather they stand somewhere far away. Preferably in silence.

The members of the other pack are here to deliver a message. Sam wants them to come back. Having the family torn apart is wrong. Sam's calmed down. The elders agree to wait until Bella's 'separated' from the problem.

Jacob's pack has a thoughtversation while the message is delivered. They decide that Sam's betting that Bella's death will make Jacob angry enough to lead the attack himself.

Jacob sends Leah off to run a patrol, and shifts back to human. The other human, Jared, asks him to let Seth and Leah go home.

Jacob mentions that he's been telling them to leave him alone ever since they joined him. He also explains that this isn't just about Bella; he sees many of the Cullens as people worth protecting, too.

Jared switches tactics, trying to guilt Seth into coming home. His mother is brokenhearted and begging, he says. Their father only just died [in New Moon], and now her kids are gone. Jacob exposes this as an obvious manipulation tactic, possibly suggested by Seth and Leah's mother.

Leah returns from patrol. Jared tries convincing her to rejoin them by telling her that she knows she doesn't want to be here, doing what she's doing now, because she has no ties to 'the bloodsuckers'. Also, Sam wants his Lee-lee home, where she belongs.

Leah doesn't take this well.

They discuss what'll happen after. Jacob says that, after Bella's given birth and the Cullens are gone, Seth and Leah are free to return home; he'll be leaving for good. Until then, the other pack needs to remain in its own territory. Howl if you need to talk, but stay on your own side. Oh, and, why did Sam send Colin? Is Embry okay? Tell my dad I love him.

Jared agrees to pass along the instructions, and leaves. Quil remains behind to express his wolfy disappointment.

Time for another thoughtversation. Jacob shifts back, and asks if what he said was okay.

Leah suggests that Jacob should've hit Jared.

They discuss why Embry wasn't allowed to come. The other pack suspects that Embry would defect, too. Embry isn't imprinted on anyone in La Push. Quil would leave, but he has the ever-important imprinting ties that keep him there.

Jacob tells Seth to run the patrols for a bit; he and Leah both need to sleep. They discuss whether or not someone should go inform the Cullens, leading to a peek at the blood-drinking thing in Jacob's thoughts.

Leah's disgusted; Seth thinks it's fine. It's helping Bella, after all.

'Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby,' Leah explains. 'And he used to gnaw on the crib, too.'

Jacob asks if the crib was painted with a lead-based paint, and runs off to update the Cullens. He finds a pile of clothes waiting for him outside, and Bella looking better inside. Rosalie asks him where the flood is [ha ha, your pants, they are too short!], and we have to deal with the first of a string of blonde jokes.

Jacob goes off to take a nap, but Edward wants to talk to him first. Esme is concerned about their homeless status. The word 'bereft' is used. Esme wants to offer food and clothing – they have plenty, since Alice won't let them wear the same thing twice.

Jacob's leaving is interrupted by the monsterfoetus breaking one of Bella's ribs. He sits down next to the open door [vampires and werewolves stink to eachother, as we're constantly reminded]. Alice comes down and offers him a pillow.

We hear all about how the monsterfoetus is giving Alice a headache. Alice can't see it, and it's interfering with her ability to see Bella's future. And this is hurting her. With Jacob around, everything disappears. So, she's going to sit next to Jacob for a while.

He wakes up to find a cold glass of clear liquid waiting for him – it's bleach, though. Rosalie left it as a prank.

Also, Seth is there. And there's food. Seth tells Jacob he should try some, but Jacob would rather hunt.

Speaking of hunting, Carlisle is worried about the rest of his family, and the treaty. Where can they hunt now? Suggestions are made. Jacob tells Seth when he'll want him back, and that he should take a nap. Esme urges Jacob to take some food, and ease her guilt.

Time passes, and we're in for more thoughtversation. Why don't the Cullens just leave? Take Bella and get far away, where Sam can't follow?

Because they need the medical equipment, and there's no time to set up in another place.

Pointlessness follows. The monsterfoetus breaks another rib. Jacob shows up to keep Bella warm. Rosalie bends a mixing bowl into a dog bowl to offer Jacob food. They discuss Bella's due date, which might be in four days.

They discuss why Bella wants Jacob here. She says it makes her feel complete. Jacob suggests that she enjoys his pain. She counteroffers that it's her fault; they were supposed to be together, but she did something wrong. Then, she falls asleep.

Jacob discusses the stupidity of letting her talk to Charlie with Edward. Edward explains that she thinks she can come up with an excuse for everything, and that Charlie will jump to all manner of wrong conclusions, but accept that she's still his Bella.

They discuss the monsterfoetus, and how their research suggests that it'll use its teeth to get out.

Rosalie cuts in to write off the bits of the stories where the mothers don't survive, saying that mothers often died when giving birth in the middle of disease-infested swamps.

Edward moves to attack Rosalie; Jacob makes an offer to do it, instead. He throws the dog bowl at her head.

Rosalie's response? “You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”

Jacob finds this funny. More blonde jokes.

Bella wakes up. The monsterfoetus is stretching; she says it reminds her of Jacob. They both grow so fast.

Carlisle wonders if there could be similarities. If maybe the monsterfoetus has 24 chromosomal pairs like the wolves.

You thought things were stupid before? It only gets worse.

Nevermind, though. Time for more thoughtversating! Jacob and Leah are bonding while checking on a safe place for the Cullens to hunt.

Leah's happy being in Jacob's pack. She wants to stay with him until she can quit being a wolf for good. Jacob helps her with feeding by showing her how to let the wolf take over.

Leah has a chat with Jacob about how she gets Rosalie's perspective. Becoming a wolf has apparently rendered her sterile.

Jacob doesn't want to hear any of this, so he goes off to spend time with Bella. More blonde jokes. Some threats and posturing.

Edward discovers that he can hear the monsterfoetus thinking. It likes the sound of their voices.

They discuss baby names. EJ and Renesmee. Because, see, Renee and Esme.

Edward hears it thinking that it loves them. Jacob feels betrayed, and considers killing everyone. Happy thoughts, but Edward tosses him the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish and tells him to get away for a bit.

Jacob considers totalling it anyway.

He drives off to the nearest city to look at girls, hoping to imprint on someone and end this shit.

Failure, of course. After wandering around a park for a bit, he returns to sit in the car. A girl approaches him, referring to him as 'the guy with the stolen car'.

She offers to help him find the person he's looking for. Then she goes on about the car. Jacob tries to force the imprinting thing, but fails again.

He decides to return the car in one piece, passing guards from the other pack on his way back. Edward is waiting for him, to tell him that he needs to control Leah.

Leah had shown up while he was gone, to lay into Bella about the pain she'd been inflicting on Jacob by asking him to stay.

Also, the monsterfoetus is incredibly advanced. It can communicate with them. It's trying not to move so much, because it doesn't want to hurt its pwecious mommy.

Go on, MonsterFoetus. It's okay. Give mummy a kick in the spleen for me. I bet you're awfully cramped, and stiff from not moving. Just stretch that leg out. Right into the spleen. The soft, lovely, comfortable spleen. Wiggle your foot a bit. Doesn't that feel nice?

No, no, you're not hurting anyone. You're helping. It feels good to help, doesn't it? If you want to stretch out your other foot, you can probably mash her liver into oatmeal while you're at it. That'd make us so happy. You want us to be happy, don't you? Don't you?

They discuss the possibility of delivering the monsterfoetus as soon as Carlisle returns the next day, and Edward asks permission to deviate from the treaty to save her as I reach page 40 of this overly-long review.

Jacob steps outside to think about it with Edward. Seth arrives; Jacob tells him to tell Leah that she shouldn't be so harsh to Bella.

Edward tells Jacob how lucky he is to share the thoughts of someone so pure and kind.

They join Bella inside, and Jacob relents, giving Edward permission to turn her. Bella drops her cup of blood, reaches to get it, and time's up. The placenta detaches, and she starts vomiting blood. I suspect this will not make it into the movie.

The next chapter is called 'there are no words for this.' It's probably true. I feel like I'm running out of words for this, and wishing that Stephenie had run out of words five pages into the first book.

Blood. Everywhere, apparently. And violence. And morphine, a drug that should come with this book. Rosalie cuts into Bella's abdomen. More blood, and Rosalie goes from helpful to wanting to feed. Jacob attacks her, and she doesn't put up a fight.

The monsterfoetus breaks Bella's spine.

Jacob performs CPR while Edward gets to work on a back-alley Caesarean, biting through the amniotic sac. It's a girl; we're stuck with the name Renesmee for the rest of the fucking book.

Bella wants to see her, to hold her. Renesmee bites her.

She dies. Thank fucking god.

But, no. More CPR. The baby's handed off to Rosalie [Jacob suggests that it be thrown out a window]. Edward produces a syringe of his venom. How the fuck did that happen? Is it like milking a snake? Did he spend months biting onto a cup with a bit of rubber stretched over it, milking himself?

Still more CPR. And repeated bitings. And now, vampire saliva apparently has healing ability, too.

Edward labours to keep her heart beating. Jacob feels pulled downstairs. Away, he thinks. Then, maybe, to the thing named Renesmee. He wants to kill it.

Strike that. He imprints on it. On a newborn.

Y'know what? I don't have enough words for this. Not after the earlier thing with the toddler. I'm glad this is the end of the second book, because I seriously have nothing more to say. Sorry. No words; just this:

I also know what you're about to say. Let's see if I can cover all the outrage all quick-like....

You read that crap?

No. No I didn't. I tried. I couldn't. Three pages into Twilight, and I could feel my brain screaming and trying to squelch its way out of my skull through my ears like a desperate, enraged, hungry shoggoth trying to fit through the Eisenhower tunnel.

You had the same problem with Harry Potter and you ended up enjoying that when you read it. And you just said you didn't read it, so you can't know that it sucks.

Indeed, I am well and truly pwned. Except Harry Potter didn't suck nearly as much as these books. And I was able to read them after listening to the audiobooks [as read by Stephen Fry, who is undeniably awesome].

Hey, look at that word. Audiobooks. They're also kinda cool. 'Audiobooks' are how I'm able to say that I've never read these four ever-expanding yet nearly identical piles of florid crap.

Not even Stephen Fry's incredible awesomeness could've saved these audiobooks. I'd love to say that Kathy Bates could've done something for them, but that might be a lie. Also, I wouldn't want to taint the other good audiobook experiences I've had at her voice's expense.

The reader was an annoying, tween-voiced individual. Most of the time. When she didn't sound like she needed a lozenge. And when, in the last two books, there was a guy reading different parts.

...which kinda brings us to the contents of the books themselves.

All four start the same way, with a Preface that's supposed to be suspenseful and hinting at an ending event. Except it's more like a 'climax event', with a dénouement that forgets to stop happening, becoming mired in its own high fructose corn syrupy excrement.

Between that attempted climactic tease and the actual climax are way, way too many pages of whatever crap that book happens to be about. I'll probably have to go into each one individually. Then, maybe I'll try to wipe this crap from my mind. I believe it's a classic internet tactic to talk about drinking at this point....

Twilight

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had
reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not
have imagined it like this.

– Twilight Prologue

We're all praying for death now. Some of us may even be a little more proactive about it, looking for sharp objects like spoons to shove into our eyesockets instead of leaving it up to the cruel, capricious deity that allowed for not just the publishing, but the underwhelming popularity of this first installment in this repulsive, bloating cashcorpse of a series.

If you kept reading beyond that point, you're far tougher than I am; I didn't make it past the first couple of pages of the first chapter. What could I do? Give up? The hell you say. I didn't give up on Celebrian [don't ever click on that link]! The solution, obviously, is to obtain the audiobooks, and subject myself to these stories that way.

Ilyana Kadushin was kind enough to drag me through this story [and the other three, except for the parts read by some guy]. I can't place all the blame on her, though – Stephenie Meyer's the one that wrote the words that kept hauling me back from my blissfully near-comatose state that first night.

I'm not kidding. I kept trying to go to sleep while listening to it, and I kept twitching awake.

The first book is a lot like the movie, except, instead of having to sit there and watch poor Cedric Diggory look [and sound] like he's suffering as much as you are, you have nobody. Nobody appears to be suffering with you.

Unless you're taking turns reading the book out loud with a group of friends. In that case, you're either a member of a very obnoxious demographic that inexplicably needs to change its collective panties every three pages, or you're stationed at Gitmo, and various groups would like to have a chat with you about human rights and torture.

Yes. I really am going on like this so I don't have to remember it. Me. The girl who reads bad fanfiction, begs others for bad fanfiction, and giggles with schoolgirlish delight at the cries of horror when I subject others to bad fanfiction. I don't want to think about this shit.

Because that's all this is. Fanfiction. Really bad, mixed up, alternate universe Mary Sue having fanfiction.

I'm sure most of us know the plot of this one, because, at some point, most of us have tried to get through the terrible movie they made out of this abominable collection of words.

Our dear Mary Sue, or 'Bella', as she prefers to be called, is portrayed as your average world-weary teen who can't possibly fit in because, oh dear, she's so pale, so quirky, and likes to read the classics. She's leaving her mom to move in with her dad, possibly because she's sick of raising an adult toddler, and would prefer to play parent to an indifferent adult teenager for a while.

Bella's parents, it seems, aren't just characters nearly as...tertiary as the 'other kids in her new school' – they're exactly half of a whole person. Mom is a flighty, indecisive, irresponsible hummingbird who, apparently, would die from a half-baked skydiving attempt if Bella weren't there to stop her. Dad is mostly absent. He works a lot, can't cook [of course], and has a strange, erratic temper.

Okay, maybe dad's less than half of a whole character. But I still think that, if you were to combine the mother and the father, you'd get a far more believable young adult than Bella.

Bella angsts herself to sleep before her first day of school, where we find out how desperately well-read she is [but she'll do the reading anyway, because she loves the assigned reading! Gasp!]...and how inexplicably attractive she is as the new girl. Because all sorts of less-than-memorable boys keep trying to help her.

Lunchtime, then. And we descend fully into hell, where we're never more than a few paragraphs away from being adverbed to death. Because, from here on out, it's all about the perfect, statue of a greek god-like, 'devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful' vampires.

Okay. There are adjectives, too. And it's mostly about Edward. But, still, there's a lot of repetitive describing.

Also: creepiness. Because, while Bella is becoming more and more obsessed with Edward, Edward is being your basic offputting, stalkery, potentially abusive jerkwad. His behaviour seems calculated to get Bella obsessed with him. He demands to be switched out of the class he shares with her, disappears for a few days, avoids her, and then, for no good reason, saves her awkward, useless, whiny life.

“We shouldn't be friends.”

“But you saved my life, and I'm obsessed with you!”

“By the way, I sneak into your room every night and watch you sleep.”

...wait, what?

Bella spends about three thousand chapters putting two and two together to get vampire, after 'flirting' the story out of one of the reservation boys. Edward saves Bella from some bad people in an alley [I'm not stalking you; I'm following you because you can't keep yourself alive!]

Oh, and I forgot to mention, Bella faints at the sight of blood. I'm not sure what that's supposed to be, but it keeps coming up.

Then, they were together. Because Bella figured it out, and, I guess, the 'get away from me' game had to evolve into the 'now that you're suitably obsessed, I'll spend time with you' game.

More adjectives. More adverbs. More words. And sparkling.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

--Twilight, Chapter 13 [Confessions]

Yes. Sparkling.

After another round of 'scare the obsessed girl', possibly to reinforce the 'want what I can't have' obsession, I guess they're officially together. Time to meet the parents! And hear stories about the 'father' of the family, and Edward's creation.

...and find out that they wait for thunderstorms to play baseball. Because nobody's ever firing weapons in the heavily wooded regions of Washington. No. They need the cover of the storm for a game of supernatural baseball.

Finally, there's some badguys. A vampire they refer to as a 'tracker', who fixates on Bella. She's forced to break up with her father [yes, I meant to say that], and run back to Arizona with Alice and Jasper, while everyone else runs around trying to throw the tracker off her trail. Except for Rosalie, who I assume is just off throwing a prettygirl tantrum somewhere.

The tracker lures her using a recording of her mother's voice from an old home movie. And she dies.

...or, well, she should've died. It would've been a much better book if she had. But, no, the Cullens swoop in to save the day at the last minute. Except she's been bitten, which means she's been exposed to the vampire's venom.

Because, you see, that's how vampirism spreads. Through venom. They bite you; you become a vampire. But, no! We must save her! Treat it like a snakebite; suck the venom out.

Seriously.

She's left with a cold, glittery scar. Also, a cast on her leg, and a story about how she ever-so-clumsily fell down some stairs. And possibly out a window. Then in through another window, through the bottom of an indoor pool, out another window, and into a...wait, no, that was Fantastic 4....

And a date to the prom, which she pitches a fit over. The book ends with a warning from reservation boy about how someone will be watching her, and her wanting to become a vampire.

I'm going to end this here, because this is getting out of hand. I'll have the other three...whatever these are [they're more like mocking book reports than reviews] up eventually.

See that image over there? It's a Ralph Lauren ad -- obviously. One that...kinda got a bit of attention, because...well, look at it. It's 'shopped.

People noticed. And posted about it.

How did the company respond? By sending out DMCA takedown notices, because fair use doesn't exist.

It's going to work about as well as it worked for Scientology.

Now, I know I'm just an insignificant blogger tucked away in an unnoticed corner of the internet, but, if their legal types happen to find this place, I hope they pause to read this before firing off another pointless takedown notice. I've got a good idea that could save them a lot of humiliation.

The next time something like this happens -- and it's probably going to -- instead of throwing a litigious tantrum, fire the photoshopper responsible. Your company will look much better if you say, "Oops. Yeah, that's our bad. We fired the guy. And, while we're not willing to stop enhancing our models through computer manipulation, we are going to make sure that our artists have a basic grasp of human anatomy."

Yes. That's how you should respond. Not with takedown notices over fair use. Fix the problem. Attempting to cover it up with legal threats only gets people to notice, and repost.

Source. I'd post the original source, but Photoshop Disaster's ISP caved.

Okay. I only took two pictures. Here's the other one....

Then, since it was really cute, what with the eating and the cuteness.

I was kinda weighed down [backpack full of soda and pasta], and I couldn't get to the Mino, so I had to use the same camera I was taking pictures with. And I wasn't very steady.

I've been happy with the 510, but, after playing around with Gremlin's Blu for a couple of days, I wanted something like it. Research led me to the M401, and LiteCigUSA.net. I heard good things about the 401, and great things about the customer service at LiteCigUSA.

I wanted to try the Dragon, which is advertised over at the blucigforum, but I never got a reply to the email I sent. The guy over at LiteCigUSA responded very, very quickly. Also, his kits were a better value -- cheaper, with more stuff in it. I went for the hybrid kit.

One M401 battery, one M402 battery, two atomisers [one with a silver band, and one with a gold -- not sure if that's significant].

And it's in stainless steel. Which I thought was pretty. And much easier to find among all my black.

It's all very nicely packaged in this spiffy little box with a magnetic latchy thing. I'm using it to keep everything together now.

The charger is USB, and it comes with a little adapter for plugging it into a regular electrical outlet. It's funny -- I've been wanting one of those USB to wall adapters forever, and now I've got three in the house from various things.

...and I thought this was funny. If you can't see it, here's what it says:

No pollution • no flame • nonflammable • no electromagnetic radiation • no carbon monoxide • no ignition

Nice to know. Y'know, about the electromagnetic radiation.

And, if you're wondering, the manual is very, very funny.

Then there was this. This was kinda...disappointing. The reason I didn't want to order until I heard back from someone was because I wanted to see if it was possible to get blank cartridges instead of Marlboro, since I'm really not fond of even the smell of real Marlboro cigarettes. Shawn at LiteCig said it was [much like the guy at MidwestVapor], so that [along with the price and contents of the kit] kinda swayed me to purchasing from there.

It was fine, though. I emailed him again, thanking him for the fast shipping, and letting him know that everything was working out okay, and asking if there'd been a problem after all with switching the Marlboro for blanks. He replied [again, promptly] saying that he must've forgotten, and immediately sent me a tracking number. Because he was sending me blank cartridges.

They arrived yesterday. There are ten of them. Ten.

And, yes, I know that they're probably the cheapest possible item in the store -- anyone running one of these businesses probably orders them in bulk, getting them for, at most, fifty cents each. But it was just...nice. Very nice.

That's the website in the background. I figured, since it'd probably be a crappy picture anyway, I might as well make it an interestingly crappy picture.

So, LiteCigUSA. Great customer service. Good [probably great] prices. I'd shop there again -- I probably will, when the chargers come back in stock. If they had 36mg liquid, I'd really be into them, since e-smokeytreats just discontinued 36mg....

As for the 401, it's nice. I'm using it more than the 510. The batteries seem to last a bit longer, and I may be imagining it, but the flavours seem to come through a bit more. I actually like it as much as I liked the Blu.

I'm not sure what else there is to say about it, so I'll stop here.

Now, as a technical 'nonsmoker', this post might not be as useful to people who do smoke. I'll leave things like 'does this effectively replace smoking' shit to Gremlin.

This is most of my 'kit'. My 'digital smoking paraphernalia'. I use the single week Pill 'reminder' device to sort my cartridges -- I can fit nine in each slot, and each slot will be devoted to a different flavour, with one for blanks, and one for carts that need washing.

The strange [computer] mouse-shaped thing above it is the battery recharger for the 510. Next to that is one of the batteries. The shiny thing with the lights is the 'PCC' for the 510 [in silver], and, next to that, almost out of the picture, is the 510 PassThrough. It's purple because, well, black wasn't in stock.

This is the 510, broken down to its component parts. The battery [the longest], the atomiser [in the middle] and the cartridge -- or 'cart' -- with a cap on it.

The battery is manually operated, obviously. And you use it the way you use a regular cigarette -- you just have to either buy prefilled carts, or buy blank carts, and bottles of nicotine liquid [e-liquid, nicquid, it's got lots of names].

This is what mine looks like when you push the button. Bright blue LED on the end. Gremlin's got red. The red, I suppose, is to make it more realistic to the user. The blue is meant to make it less likely that others will confuse what you're smoking with a real cigarette, so they won't get all uppity at you.

This is the passthrough, freshly out of its wrappings, and unassembled. The little battery goes into the box in the line, for use away from the computer, if you have to. It's meant to be used plugged into a USB port, though, so you're not draining one of your other batteries needlessly.

The PCC [Personal Charging Case] next to the passthrough, with atomiser and cartridge attached to the passthrough. It kindasorta gives you an idea of the size, but not really, since you don't have an exact reference for either. And...I'm not going to give you one. So there.

The green light at the bottom means that the pack is done charging. The red light at the top means that the battery I have inserted in the pack [for recharging] isn't done charging.

If you can ignore the glare, this is a shot of the inside of the pack. It's got three holes for cartridges [or two for cartridges, and one for an extra atomiser], and one hole for recharging a battery.

There's a slight...issue with the PCCs for the 510. The contact that allows for recharging is made through pressure, instead of screwing it in like you'd do with the wall charger. And the manual batteries aren't quite long enough for it to work in the usual way. An easy workaround is to put the cap from one of the cartridges loosely on the end of the battery you intend to charge, and then close the pack. The added height will cause the battery to be pressed down just enough for the necessary contacts to be made.

Unfortunately, I got kinda stupid here. I forgot to unwrap the bottles of liquid before taking a picture of them -- possibly because I was just so impressed by how well wrapped they were. these are two [glass!] bottles of liquid from JohnsonCreek -- I'm a little hazy on the URL right now, so I won't be linking to them. They do pack impressively, though.

The bottles came with those medicinal caps on them -- the 'press down' type childproof caps, and a glass eyedropper, and two tiny little bottles that are meant to be used with syringes. Luckily, I just happened to have gotten some good syringes from Nuvape....

These are the tiny little bottles, which were empty, but are now full of liquid from each bottle from JC. JohnsonCreek's liquids come Some Assembly Required.

But both the almond chocolate and mint chocolate seem quite tasty. so far.

...and, wow, was that annoying. Apparently, something about WPG3 doesn't quite get along with the new version of wordpress. My post got all jumbled, and half of my images disappeared. I had to copypaste everything into word and rewrite it over there to get it into the proper order, and get all the images included....

Anyway, your basic 510 starter kit is around $50. and comes with two complete e-cigarettes [two batteries, two atomisers]. Usually, they also come with five prefilled cartridges of varying strengths. A PCC will run you about $25. Same with a passthrough. Neither is strictly necessary, but they might improve your e-smoking experience. The initial expense is well worth it, though. Once you find a flavour and nicotine level you're comfortable with, you won't need to buy regular [analogue, organic, whatever you want to call them] cigarettes again. Just about everyone I've met since starting this experiment has the same story -- bought an e-cig, quit smoking regular cigarettes the same day. Some of them don't even like regular cigarettes anymore.

Even with all this stuff, we've still saved a couple hundred dollars this month. That's...really all you need to know, isn't it? There's significant savings involved. Even over other, more approved methods of quitting.

In case the post subject needs explaining.

...okay. That's not a cat. That's actually rain happening off in the distance. But it was kinda neat.

This is Schrödinger [I think].

This is the other cat, which might be Freckles.

Both cats....

...and then there's this thing. I don't know where it came from, but it suddenly appeared and did cute things, even though it's really just this cat-shaped thing with a blurry, sort of blobby-pointy thing where its head should be. And a tongue.

Actually, that might be Freckles again, just...after watching The Ring and getting a phonecall....