I got this letter last week. I typed it all in, and promptly lost it, which is a little annoying, but, hey, at least I typed it all in.

Also, I still have the envelope.

That, right there, was all I needed to see. I knew I was in for something special. Not the 'comedy goldmine' special I usually hope for when unsolicited crap shows up, but the 'incoherent vagina rage' type.

Dear [name],

I'm writing you today because I believe that, like me, you're a pro-life Christian who shares my goal of protecting the sanctity of human life.

What'd you just call me?

We haven't met, but I'm Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family®, a Christian ministry dedicated to helping families thrive.

We still haven't met. One of your squad of sub-secretarial envelope-stuffing lackeys slapping my name into a form letter and mailing it off does not constitute 'meeting'.

If I'm right about your desire to champion a culture of life in America, then I hope you'll act immediately by going to www.FocusOnTheFamily.com/BeAVoiceForLife.

I'm more interested in championing the culture of 'get your damned kids off my lawn before I late-term abort them for you,' actually....

The good news is, thanks to friends like you, the heart of a committed culture of life is already beating strongly across our nation.

Isn't that just dandy. Why are you wasting a couple of quarters on me, then?

I'd like to share with you a story of how Christians are working to bring our nation “back to life”:

It's story time. Gather 'round....

Lee was 24 years old and unmarried when she learned she was pregnant. Having just ended a rocky 6-year relationship with her boyfriend and being estranged from her family, the last thing she needed – or wanted – was a baby.

So...lemme just fill in here. Lee's 24. Six year relationship. So, eighteen. Boyfriend not given an age. Away from her family. I'm guessing older guy, and she ran away to be with him, instead of following any previous life plan she had.

Feeling ill-equipped to parent and all alone, Lee believed that abortion was her only option. But Life Choices, a pregnancy medical clinic in Memphis, gave Lee hope for the first time. They helped her develop plans for successful parenting, reconciling with her family and getting back on track with God.

Let's try to clear this up a bit. Lee, in your standard 'my life is over' unplanned pregnancy panic, flipped through the yellow pages [or something], looking for planned parenthood, and found the incredibly misleading 'Life Choices'. Thinking that they'd help her by actually giving her options, she went in and found herself in a church with medical equipment. A sort of year-round Hell House.

“When I saw the ultrasound,” says Lee, “I was in shock, overwhelmed, scared and excited all at the same time. I mostly remember seeing his teeny, tiny heart beating – so fast! Although a part of me was still scared, seeing my baby on the ultrasound made me look at my pregnancy in a different way.

And here's where I start really feeling bad about all this. Not in a 'I shouldn't make fun of this' sort of way, but in a 'my god, people are being scammed, and they're getting away with it' sort of way. Exactly how long do places like this force you to put off the appointment? Do they even show you your ultrasound? Because, every time I read one of these stories, it sounds kinda the same. It's all about seeing their little baby, and their little heartbeats, and...what the fuck is going on here?

Okay. I just asked someone who recently gave birth about this whole heartbeat thing. She said she was able to see it at three months. Either Lee really put things off, or Life Choices really put things off. Or they used an ultrasound machine with a video feed of someone else's ultrasound. Honestly, none of these things would surprise me.

“The ultrasound made a huge impact on my decision,” she says. “I made a life-affirming decision because of God, prayer and Life Choices.”

Also, the fact that Life Choices isn't about choices. Life Choices wouldn't offer you an abortion, even if it was medically necessary. They'd make you have that thing, even if you died. Because the birth is all that matters to them. What happens to you, or the child, after it's born? Not their problem.

...which is why I made this shirt....

Lee's story is an amazing story. But, more important, it's additional proof that among women at risk for abortion, providing counseling and ultrasound results in nearly 60% more stated decisions for life than with counseling alone. What's more, Lee's baby is just one of 72,000 we now estimate have been saved in this way.

You want to play the numbers game? That's great. Let's play the numbers game. How 'bout 87% of Pregnancy Resource Centres providing false information about abortion. I'm sure that study is about as broad and sound as your study, so let's run with it, shall we?

Twenty-three were called; twenty gave false information and tried to push the investigator away from abortion.

So, what've you proved? That women should only go to real medical facilities, and not churches that bought a fucking ultrasound machine.

The problem is, we've been debating the value of human life in America for more than three decades, ever since Roe vs. Wade. But about a million women are still walking into abortion clinics every year without the benefit of seeing a sonogram of their baby. Your support will help us provide Option Ultrasound™ Program (OUP) grants for ultrasound machines and sonography training for Pregnancy Medical Clinics (PMCs) across the country, helping to reach even more women before they reach the abortion clinic door.

Changing the name won't stop people from knowing what they are. And I don't want to help your churches buy medical equipment.

I also don't want to take away anyone's choices – which is exactly what you're doing every time you lure someone in with lies.

As we face the ongoing political reality of a pro-abortion President and Congress the urgency for us to act now couldn't be greater. Ironically, just as believers nationwide were observing Sanctity of Human Life Month in January, our President, Barack Obama, pledged to champion the Freedom of Choice Act. This disturbing proposal would virtually eliminate all existing state and federal laws protecting the preborn.

Good for him. I hope he actually does it.

Because I believe you're a Christian who cares about the sanctity of human life, I'm turning to you to help save lives. In the next year, Focus on the Family wants to:

I'm a pro-choice atheist. Get the fuck out of my uterus.

• Provide 50 grants for ultrasound machines and sonography training for Pregnancy Medical Clinics (PMCs) across the country. We estimate that the lives of tens of thousands of babies will be saved as their mothers' hearts are changed.
• Educate 150 staff and board members from 50 PMCs to reach abortion-minded women before they make the tragic mistake of ending their preborn baby's life
• Equip millions of Americans to be a voice for the preborn, the unwanted and the infirm in their communities, churches and campuses.
• Encourage families to adopt one of the 130,000 legal orphans in foster care, precious kids who just want a family to call their own.

What, exactly, does all this pro-life crap have to do with the elderly? Are there 80 year old grandmas being forced to abort out there? Perhaps to make an ancient, mysterious Asian dish of some sort? Like bird nest soup, but with the uterine scrapings from a pregnant octogenarian?

Also, I already said no. Doesn't no mean no?

In order to accomplish these important objectives this year, I'm looking for new friends like you to rally behind us and help raise an incredibly ambitious $3.4 million. Would you consider doing something extraordinary to help? Would you send a gift right now to help take decisive action, save lives and build a new culture of life?

I am so far from being your friend right now, it's not even funny....

Your gift of any amount will help actively protect and nurture life in all of its dimensions – including the preborn, the elderly and the infirm – and proclaim our shared belief that humanity is created by God in His image. That's what our Lord would have us do. With your gift of $35 or more, we'll say thank you with a copy of the audiobook Why Pro-Life? You'll find more details on the back.

My gift of any...wait...I think I'm getting an idea....

Lemme finish this first; I'll get back to you.

We'd be honored to have you come alongside us. You can use the reply form provided. Or take action even faster at www.FocusOnTheFamily.Com/BeAVoiceForLife.

Ah, yes. The reply form. And the envelope...without a stamp. Cheap bastards. You're as bad as the Scientologists.

Many Americans support our goal of commonsense protections to save lives and protect women's health, so we have good reason to be optimistic about the future. But it's up to each of us, in our words and deeds, to secure that future by honoring life. May God grant us strength and resolve for this lifesaving work.

You fucking weasels. You're really going to finish it that way? Of course many Americans support 'common sense protections to save lives' and 'protecting women's health'. But not like that. Not through lies and bullshit.

Common sense protection is teaching kids about birth control, and how to protect themselves from STDs so they don't wind up with interesting new varieties that they pass on to their kids – the ones they suddenly have at fifteen. Protecting women's health includes abortion.

With you guys, though, I have absolutely no reason to be optimistic about the future. Especially not mine. In your future, I'm nothing more than subservient breeding stock, bound to a man even if I happen to be a lesbian.

That is not a bright future. I want nothing to do with it.

Sincerely,
[signature]
James D. Daly, President and CEO

P.S. Your willingness to take a stand for life is more important now than ever. So please join with Focus on the Family to honor and protect human life with your gift today.

I'm taking a stand for my life – the only life I'm able to stand for, or even speak for.

And, since you just reminded me...about gifts.

These guys? They do not need money. They need extinction. Their little group needs to be buried.

I say, send them a big, fat reality check. Expose them. If you've ever been hurt by one of their little Choiceless clinics, do something about it. Even if you weren't hurt – even if you caught on and got the hell out and went somewhere where they'd actually give you a choice, expose them. Expose their ads. Expose their methods. Catch them in their lies. Put them online for everyone to see.

It won't change their minds, but you might be able to warn someone else before they make a mistake. And you might even keep them from posting yet another stock-photo embellished story on one of their crappy, crappy websites....

There's my gift, and it comes with a strict no-returns policy.

I've blurred everything addressey out because, well, it's Scientology. And I really don't want them figuring out, through process of elimination, which of the houses within the specific mail-out radius of this particular mission is responsible for this.

That's not what I saw first, though. Not the address, or the 'Are you holding yourself back in life?' question. No, this is what I saw first:

Well, of course there is. But, having not attained true financial success, I can't really afford the nearly half-a-million [minimum] it'd cost to go up the bridge, now, can I?

But, what the hell. I've been neglecting my website; you've given me free content. Financial success, here I come!

Is that a trick question?

Please provide non-Scientology sources.

This test is going to...wait, what? Does this mean it's going to give me a papercut somewhere I've never had a papercut before? Are we talking deep, splenic papercuts here? Because I'm really not interested in those kinds of papercuts.

Also, let me fix that for you....

You've never seen anything like this before!* Just fill out this test and mail it in. You will receive a FREE in-person and in-depth analysis of the results. OBLIGATION FREE!** The Dianetics® Foundation is a Non-Profit Organization for the public education about the human mind.*** This is a free public service. ****

*Unless you've ever been online; then you might be familiar with the recruitment personality test Oxford Capacity Analysis*****.
**Does not include the obligation of either signing up for costly auditing, or the obligation of being on our mailing list for the rest of your natural life.******
***Subsidiary of a long list of other foundations which honestly have nothing to do with this stated aim, and are really only in it for the money.
****Not exactly.
*****Not affiliated with Oxford
******Due to our beliefs, that's a really long time, yo.

So, let's get to that test, shall we?

This may take a while. Better go grab a drink. Possibly some munchies. And, maybe, something to induce the munchies....

Page 1 [it's really rather large].

No. Just, no. Why? Because, fuck you, that's why. I already know about this test; I know it's fucking rigged so that, even if you do select all the so-called 'correct' answers, you can't actually 'pass'. They'll just tell me that I'm sabotaging this and that, and that I'm suffering from something that can only be cured by going up the fucking bridge.

Also, because you mailed this shit to me, which means that I'm going to respond however I please.

Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?

Yes. I often regret not saying the other thing that came to mind instead.

When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed?

Rattled? Like, the infant toy? I think that, if I ever saw that, I'd probably laugh. That's not exactly remaining composed, is it?

Or is this some weird form of attack involving rattlesnakes?

Do you browse through railway timetables, directories or dictionaries, just for pleasure?

I think it's time to update your test. I have randomly gone through dictionaries [and even phonebooks] before, just because. We've got this little thing called the 'internet' these days. You remember the internet, right? That series of tubes that recently pwned you so hard you still can't sit properly?

When asked to make a decision, would you be swayed by your like or dislike of the personality involved?

Depends entirely on the decision. If someone I loathe asked me to decide whether or not to save a kitten? I'd save the kitten. If someone I respected asked me to join Scientology? I'd tell them to die in a fire.

Do you intend to have two or less children in your family even though your health and income would permit more?

I intend to have zero children. There is no matter of health or income.

Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles when there is no logical reason for it?

There's a biological reason. Does that count?

Would you prefer to be in a position where you did not have the responsibilities of making decisions?

Yes. In fact, I'm planning to spend my next vacation in a persistent vegetative state.

Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people?

How the hell am I supposed to answer this according to how I feel right now? Seriously?

Also, I wouldn't be surprised. Except that there are probably some actions people can predict.

Do you consider more money should be spent on social security?

I request clarification.

Do other people interest you very much?

That depends. Are they walking around without any skin? That would interest me very much. No? Leave me alone.

Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?

This seems like the sort of thing the person administering this farce of an analysis would be able to note for themselves, instead of it being asked.

Do you normally let the other person start the conversation?

Let? As if I have any choice in the matter?

Are you readily interested in other people's conversation?

Depends. Are the conversations interesting, or are they prattling on as loudly as possible about the latest round of voting on one of those insipid talentless shows?

Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing?

Depending on my mood, I think that rather encourages me....

Are you often impulsive in your behavior?

Yes. Impulsive. Reckless. Usually after much careful planning that I've decided to throw away in favour of something else. Because I'm totally like that.

Before you ask: no, I won't be losing myself in your kiss. Please leave, and take your incredibly creepy soundtrack with you.

Do you speak slowly?

No. Maybe. I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Are you usually concerned about the need to protect your health?

Allow me to answer this question with an injection of influbola -- all the fun of Ebola, in a flu-like package. Call now, and get this free used needle!

Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch?

Why, yes, I do have reflexes. Don't you?

No, I suppose you wouldn't. Not after all those TRs where you're trained to make unblinking, unwavering eye contact no matter what happens.

Are you normally considerate in your demands on your employees, relatives or pupils?

Nine out of ten of all my employees and pupils say the beatings I administer are quite considerate. The tenth...cannot currently comment.

Do you consider that you could give a valid "snap judgement"?

What the hell is it with you and consider?

Do your past failures still worry you?

If they didn't, I'd probably repeat them. Past failures pave the way for future successes, or something trite like that.

Do you find yourself being extra-active for periods lasting several days?

No. I do tend to sleep whenever I can, after all....

Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do?

Resent? No. Ignore? Usually.

Is it normally hard for you to "own up and take the blame"?

Whatever it is: I didn't do it.

Do you have a small circle of close friends, rather than a large number of friends, speaking acquaintances?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds of not having enough to make a circle.

Is your life a constant struggle for survival?

All life is. That's how evolution happens.

Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?

No. And don't you start that shit, either.

Are you considered warm-hearted by your friends?

Yes. If by 'friends,' you mean 'cat.'

Would you rather give orders than take them?

I'd much rather do neither, if you don't mind.

Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates?

What associates?

Could you agree to "strict dicipline"?

Giving? No, probably not. Taking? Absolutely not. Both requires social interaction, and I refuse to put up with that.

Would the idea of making a complete new start cause you much concern?

...are you asking me if I want to be born again? I think I'm a little large for that.

Do you make efforts to get others to laugh and smile?

Why would I do that?

Do you find it easy to express your emotions?

I'm currently annoyed. Am I expressing it appropriately? You'll have to tell me so I know if it's easy to express it, or if I need to put more effort into it.

Do you refrain from complaining when the other person is late for an appointment?

If anyone made an appointment to see me, I'd probably cancel.

Are you sometimes considered by others a "spoilsport"?

Probably. I suspect that you're feeling that way about me right about now, due to my refusal to play along with your little money-sucking effort....

Do you consider there are other people who are definitely unfriendly toward you and work against you?

I think I'd like to defer this question.

Would you admit you were wrong just to "keep the peace"?

You mean, would I lie to make someone happy about winning? Not without a toxic dose of sarcasm.

Do you have only a few people of whom you are really fond?

Can I have a real number, please?

Are you rarely happy, unless you have a special reason?

Aren't most people? I mean, most people who aren't the sort of creepy, eternally-happy people you worry about when they're near sharp objects?

Do you "circulate around" at a social gathering?

Someone mixed up this list with a list of questions from the last game of 20 questions. Assume the answer is yes and try to figure out what the object was....

Do you take reasonable precaution to prevent accidents?

Of course. I always make sure to point the scissors away from me when I run, never take cheap candy from strangers, and, when harassing large animals, I always make sure I'm not the slowest runner in the group.

By the way: how the fuck do you prevent an accident? They're accidents, not on-purposes.

Does the idea of talking in front of people make you nervous?

Yes. Also, homicidal.

If you saw an article in a shop obviously mistakenly marked lower than its correct price, would you try to get it at that price?

Of course. And I usually get it, too. See, they kinda have to do it, unless it's blatantly obvious that someone ripped off one price tag and put it on another item.

The store near here was selling those mid-sized boxes of Hot Pockets [possibly five to a box?] at 4 boxes for $10, or something cheap like that. We stocked up. The store made a mistake -- and admitted they made a mistake -- but they kept the price because the loss they took on the Hot Pockets was made up for by other sales. Sales they wouldn't have gotten if it weren't for the insanely cheap Hot Pockets.

I'm a big fan of getting stuff on the cheap. Their mistake is my gain, and I intend to gain.

Do you often feel that people are looking at you or talking about you behind your back?

I don't stick around long enough to notice these things, so there's really no way I could feel it.

Are you "always getting into trouble"?

<nerd> "I have the death sentence on twelve systems." </nerd>

Have you any particular hate or fear?

Nothing I'd share with you guys. I wouldn't want to wake up to find my bed filled with...kittens, or anything. Oh, damn. Now I will, won't I? How horrifying.

Do you prefer to be an onlooker rather than participate in any active sport?

Neither.

Do you find it easy to be impartial?

Not enough information.

Have you a definitely set standard of courteous behavior in front of other members of your family?

Oh, yes. For the last ten or so years, I've had an incredibly unbeatable streak of politeness. If you're not there to be rude, you're nothing but polite.

Can you "start the ball rolling" at social gatherings?

How heavy is the ball? Is there an inclined plane involved?

Would you "buy on credit" with the hope that you can keep up the payments?

I bought a house. I will not, however, be buying your services on credit. Is this how you judge who'll be easiest to draw in?

Do you get an after-reaction when something unexpected such as an accident or other disturbing incident takes place?

Didn't you already ask this question?

Do you consider the good of all concerned rather than your own personal advantages?

What? No.

When hearing a lecturer, do you sometimes experience the idea that the speaker is referring entirely to you?

Only when they're actually talking to me, or about me.

Does "external noise" rarely interfere with your concentration?

That depends entirely on the noise. Also, what am I concentrating on in this situation?

Are you usually "up-to-date" on everyday affairs?

Do you mean the news? No.

Can you confidently plan and work towards carrying out an event in six months time?

Oh yes. I can confidently plan on cancelling it tomorrow.

Do you consider the modern "prisons without bars" system doomed to failure?

...what the hell is that?

Do you tend to be careless?

I believe the correct answer is, "Oops."

Do you ever get a "dreamlike" feeling toward life when it all seems unreal?

More of an 'uncanny valley' type feeling when I notice that things in the real world look as if they've been CGed in.

Do you speedily recover from the effects of bad news?

My recovery time is incredibly fast when compared to that of your average sea sponge.

When you criticize -- do you at the same time try to encourage?

Yes. Exempli gratia: This personality assessment is complete and utter bullshit. I encourage you to leave Scientology by converting to a less obnoxious religion. Or, you could die. Either way. I don't care.

Are you normally considered "cold"?

I've been called worse things.

Are your opinions insufficiently important to tell other people?

No. It's kinda the other way around. People don't matter enough to me for me to bother telling them anything.

Are you so self-assured that it sometimes annoys others?

I don't know. Ask them.

Do you keep "close contact" on articles of yours which you have loaned to friends?

Whenever I loan something to someone, I glue myself to that object.

People don't ask me to lend them things now.

Do you enjoy activities of your own choosing?

Would I choose to do them if I didn't enjoy them?

Does emotional music have quite an effect on you?

Not really into Emo. Not that I have any fucking clue what falls under that genre....

Do you completely condemn a person because he is a rival or opponent in some aspect of your relations with him?

Um, maybe? What?

Do you often "sit and think" about death, sickness, pain and sorrow?

Yes. Also, I read about it. Would you like a list?

Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity?

What dignity? Would I be doing this if I had any dignity?

Are you always collecting things which "might be useful"?

Of course. You never know when you'll need an extra set of ribs.

Would you criticize faults and point out the bad points on someone else's character or handiwork?

If they asked me for my opinion.

Are you openly appreciative of beautiful things?

I cried when I saw the Vampyroteuthis infernalis in that one episode of Planet Earth. What, you don't think it's beautiful? That's hardly my problem. Also: shut up.

Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you?

I rarely give away things that do belong to me. Why would I bother being generous with someone else's shit?

Do you greet people effusively?

Effusively. Burbling. Gushing. So, like...with a hose? Haven't tried that yet....

Do you often ponder on previous misfortunes?

There's that funny déjà vu feeling again....

Are you sometimes considered forceful in your actions or opinions?

Of course not. And nobody would disagree with me, either. Not unless they want a hose-greeting in the middle of a blizzard....

Do you accept criticism easily and without resentment?

Is it valid?

Are you usually undisturbed by "noises off" when you are trying to rest?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Noises off? What the fuck is that?

Are you likely to be jealous?

Why? What are you planning to do?

Do you tend to put off doing things and then discover it is too late?

Only when it's really important.

Do you prefer to abide by the wishes of others rather than seek to have your own way?

I prefer when the wishes of others and my way are in agreement [id est, when they don't want me to be around, and I don't want to be anywhere near them].

Do you find it easy to get yourself started on a project?

Oh yes. Finishing, on the other hand....

Do you bite your fingernails or chew the end of your pencil?

I used to. I don't use pencils anymore. I go through a lot of keyboards, though....

Keyboards are kinda hard on the teeth, too.

Do you "turn up the volume" of your emotions just to create an effect?

My emotions go up to eleven; unfortunately, they've been stuck on i for quite a while now. I'm not sure what that means.

If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country?

No, because they'd probably be annoying the hell out of me through some protest or another.

Are there some things about yourself on which you are touchy?

Maybe. Or, wait, are you asking me...if I touch myself? I can't tell. Half the time, even if it looks like you're asking a clear and sense-making question, I can't be sure. Because, Scientology.

Do you have few interests and activities that are your own choice?

Compared to everything in the world? Yes. On average? I might be interested in more things than some people.

Do you ever get a single thought which hangs around for days?

No. They usually bring friends, and get quite rowdy. Last time, I had to call the thought police.

Are you a slow eater?

Sometimes. Depends entirely on what I'm eating.

Can you be a stabilizing influence when others get panicky?

No.

Didn't you kinda ask that before? Something about rattling?

Would you stop and find out whether a person needed help even though they had not directly asked you for it?

What could I possibly do to help anyone? And why would I bother? They might sue me for not being tall enough to reach the last bottle of coke on the top shelf. And then the store would kick me out for climbing up to get it.

Are you prejudiced in favor of your own school, college, club, or team, etc.?

Does this have to do with sports?

Do you pay your debts and keep your promises when it is possible?

Wow. That's conditional, isn't it?

Do you sleep well?

As I am not a qualified sleep specialist, I cannot answer this question.

Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you?

No. I'd use capital punishment.

Do you prefer to take a passive role in any club or organization to which you belong?

If by 'passive' you mean 'not joining', then yes.

Are you logical and scientific in your thinking?

Yes. Except when I'm not.

Does the youth of today have more opportunity than that of a generation ago?

Opportunity to what? Fuck up royally without getting killed? Yeah.

Do you throw things away only to discover that you need them later?

Is this one of those contradictory questions? If the answer is yes, but the 'collecting in case of future use' is yes, then...well, it's not like you actually bother going over the test thoroughly anyway, so maybe I'm putting too much thought into it.

Would you give up easily on a given course if it were causing you a considerable amount of inconvenience?

For this question, we will define 'considerable amount of inconvenience' as 'interfering with my ability to survive, or involving Scientology.'

The answer is yes.

Do you "wax enthusiastic" about only a few subjects?

I enthusiastically wax squids.

Do you rarely suspect the actions of others?

[Insert Spanish Inquisition Joke Here.]

Do you sometimes wonder if anyone really cares about you?

Why bother?

Do you turn down responsibility because you doubt your fitness to cope?

I'm doubting my fitness to cope with the responsibility of finishing the next page of questions. After the first 107, I'm not sure I can go on.

I will, though.

Page 2.

Home stretch, and all that. Only...okay, I haven't bothered to look. I'll let you know later.

See that image over there? That's an ad from the second page.

Honestly, I might just try that again. The reading of Dianetics, I mean. I keep meaning to for...some other thing that I really shouldn't talk about. Except everybody probably already knows anyway.

Do you sometimes feel compelled to repeat some interesting item or tidbit?

Yes. If it's interesting, I want to share it. Sometimes, even when it's not. Like this.

Do you tend to exaggerate a justifiable grievance?

If it's justifiable, how can I exaggerate it?

Is your facial expression varied rather than set?

That's an incredibly insensitive question. What if I had some sort of medical condition involving facial paralysis?

Do you usually need to justify or back up an opinion once stated?

Usually, when people ask me for my opinion, they follow up with 'why?' So, yeah.

Do you openly and sincerely admire beauty in other people?

Didn't you...oh, people? No.

Would it take a definite effort on your part to consider the subject of suicide?

Much less effort than it's taking to finish this. But, hey, at least it's not That Twilight Thing I Did.

Would you consider yourself energetic in your attitude toward life?

Less and less.

Would a disagreement affect your general relationship with another person?

Isn't that kinda what a disagreement is?

Does a minor failure on your part rarely trouble you?

Another one of those questions, huh? Or does the 'minor' thing make it totally different?

Do you sometimes feel that you talk too much?

Yes. I'm trying to cut back. I'm down to ten words a day.

Do you smile much?

That's something I've successfully quit.

Are you easily pleased?

Not anymore.

When met with direct opposition would you still seek to have your own way rather than give in?

Directly oppose me and find out.

Provided the distance were not too great, would you still prefer to ride rather thank walk?

Who said I prefer to ride? And ride what?

Do you ever get disturbed by the noise of the wind or a house "settling down"?

Is this that 'noise off' thing from earlier? No. I'm usually entertained by it. The sounds are neat.

Is your opinion influenced by looking at things from the standpoint of your experiences, occupation or training?

And here's where I finally snapped and decided to look up the 'correct' answers for the test. By 'correct', I mean 'the answers that give you the best possible score.' The answer for this one is 'yes', because, duh. Everyone's opinions are influenced by their experiences, training, and occupation.

Do you often make tactless blunders?

How many other kinds of blunders are there? I mean, can you really commit a tactful faux pas?

Are you suspicious of people who ask to borrow money from you?

Yes. They might be involved in Scientology.

Are your decisions swayed by personal interests?

Seriously? This is a question? Again? Except, 'decisions' instead of 'opinions'?

Can you get quite enthusiastic over "some simple little thing"?

Things, even little things, are rarely simple. Or are you referring to retarded midgets?

Do you frequently take action even though you know your own good judgement would indicate otherwise?

Yes. That's why I'm doing this, even though that little, annoying voice in my head is saying, 'Stop that. It's more trouble than it's worth.'

Are you in favor of color bar and class distinction?

Quagga?

Are you aware of any habitual physical mannerisms such as pulling your hair, nose, ears or such like?

Yes. I have a very unfortunate tic that involves a pair of rusty pliers and your teeth. It's really quite awful; fortunately, it only happens when I've been asked about fifty very stupid questions.

Can you quickly adapt and make use of new conditions and situations even though they may be difficult?

Like most animals that've survived to reproductive maturity, yes.

Do some noises "set your teeth on edge"?

Oh yes. Remember that fear from earlier? The one where I wake up and my bed is just full of kittens? That mewing noise they make, it's awful. Makes my skin crawl right into the neighbour's house. Also, my liver switches places with my brain.

Can you see the other fellow's point of view when you wish to?

Only if they're my height. Otherwise, I might have to stand on something....

Do you go to bed when you want to, rather than "by the clock"?

Yes. And there isn't a clock near my bed, either. So there.

Do the "petty foibles" of others make you impatient?

Annoyed, if I'm not ignoring them entirely.

Do children irritate you?

You have no idea. Or maybe you do, based on that one other question about kids....

Are you less talkative than your associates?

What associates?

Hell, it doesn't matter. People who don't even exist are more talkative than I am.

Do you usually carry out assignments promplty and systematically?

As long as the assignment is 'procrastinate'.

Even then, I'd probably put that off....

Would you assist a fellow traveler rather than leave it to the officials?

The officials are far better equipped to handle whatever they need.

When voting, do you vote the same party ticket straight rather than studying the candidates and issues?

I don't vote.

Do you frequently dwell on your past illnesses or painful experiences?

I'm too busy dwelling on present pain to bother with past pain.

Do you get very ill at ease in disordered surroundings?

No. Extremely ordered surroundings make me nervous, though. Extremely ordered surroundings that are full of kittens. God, no. A clean house and kittens. Don't ever do that to me.

Do you usually criticize a film or show that you see or a book that you read?

If it sucked. And, y'know what? Even if it didn't. Because it's fun.

When recounting some amusing incident can you easily imitate the mannerisms or the dialect in the original incident?

No.

In subjects about which you are not expert, are your ideas of sufficient importance as to tell others?

Sometimes. Once I've had the time to flesh them out into something more than just a random idea. Or if the person who is an expert isn't likely to just write me off as a complete idiot for lacking the proper collegiate pedigree.

Do you have a tendency to tidy up a disorder of somebody else's household?

Why would I do that?

Can you accept defeat easily without the necessity of "swallowing your disappointment"?

...you said 'swallow'.

Do you often feel depressed?

Sorry, what? Too busy sniggering immaturely over 'swallow'.

Are you ever ill at ease in the company of children?

GODDAMNIT STOP REASKING QUESTIONS. You're like a fucking toddler.

Do you get frustrated at not being able to do something rather than finding a substitute activity or system?

Yes. But, sometimes, a complete time-waster of an activity comes along to fill that annoying downtime. Like this.

Are you sometimes completely unable to enter into the spirit of things?

As stated: no. Because it's most of the time. Keep your spirit at the pep rally where it belongs, and far away from me.

Do you rarely express your grievances?

What do you think....

Do you work in "spurts," being relatively inactive and then furiously active for a day or two?

Spurts. Furiously.

Tee hee.

Does the number of uncompleted jobs you have on hand bother you?

Sometimes. But, then, I get something done, and the pride of having completed something is awesome.

Do people enjoy being in your company?

No. Go away.

Could you allow someone to finish those "final two words" in a crossword puzzle without interfering?

Absolutely not. For I am the Crossword Ruiner. I swoop in, distracting the individual, and fill in the last two words. Because crossword interruptus is funny, and I'm a lame-ass supervillain.

Do you consider the best points of most people and only rarely speak slightingly of them?

I constantly 'slight' people's best features. Wait, what?

Do you laugh or smile quite readily?

I told you, I successfully quit smiling. Are you trying to get me to relapse?

Are you definite and emphatic in voice and manner?

No, goddamnit. Seriously, leave me alone.

Are you effusive only to close friends if at all?

There's that word again. Everybody gets the goddamn hose.

Are your interests and fields of knowledge so important as to give little time for anything else?

Translation: 'will you drop everything and devote yourself fully to Scientology?'

Would you like to "start a new activity" in the area in which you live?

Translation: 'Can we con you into starting a mission, or, perhaps, an org?'

Would you make the necessary actions to kill an animal in order to put it out of pain?

Yes. I'd take it to the vet.

Is it easy for you to relax?

Not if I'm in the kitten room of terror and woe.

Do you have little regret for past misfortunes and failures?

I thought I already answered this....

Does the idea of fear or apprehension give you a physical reaction?

Am I scared by the idea of being scared? Is that what you're asking? Srsly?

Can you trust the decision of your judgement in an emotional situation in which you are involved?

Since my decision is usually 'get the hell out of here', yeah.

Could someone else consider that you were really active?

I doubt it.

Do you find it hard to get started on a task that needs to be done?

Only if thinking about it counts as getting started.

Are you opposed to the 'probation system' for criminals?

Only if it involves mandatory Scientology auditing.

Do you spend much time on needless worries?

At least as much time as I spend on completely worthless website content.

In a disagreement do you find it hard to understand how the other person fails to see your side, and thus agree with you?

No. I fully understand that most people are so very attached to their point of view that they can't allow themselves to see things any other way.

Do you cope with everyday problems of living quite well?

As a member of the undead, I find that question offensive.

Are you usually truthful to others?

Unless I'm kidding. I have no control over whether or not they take me too seriously....

Would you rather "wait for something to happen" as opposed to you causing it?

I think it depends entirely on the 'something'. In this case, I'm much happier about getting this list of questions without having made it happen. I don't want to know what would've happened if I'd made something Scientologish occur in my general direction.

Do you spend too freely in relation to your income?

Translation: 'Will you spend way more than you'll ever have just to go up the bridge?'

Can you take a "calculated risk" without too much worry?

Somehow, this feels like a restatement of the previous question.

If you were involved in a slight car accident, would you really take the trouble to see that any damage you did was made good?

Indeed. I want that damage to be exceptional. Wait, 'slight' is defined as 'fewer than fifty cars, but more than ten, with major interstate blockage,' right?

Do others push you around?

Well, I am very small.

Do you make allowances for your friends where with others you might judge more severely?

No.

Do you often ponder over your own inferiority?

I'm rather apathetic about my inferiority.

Do people criticize you to others?

Yeah. It's kinda funny, actually....

Like, this one guy? He called me a Scifag once -- okay, a lot of times. It was funny.

Are you embarrassed by a hearty greeting such as a kiss, hug or pat on the back, if done in public?

Don't touch me. No, seriously, stay the fuck away from me. You have Body Thetans, and that's fucking gross.

Do you frequently not do something you want to do because of other peoples desires?

I frequently don't do whatever they want to do. Is that what you're asking?

Are you sometimes convinced of the correctness of your opinions about a subject even though you are not an expert?

Opinions aren't facts. Opinions should be fluid, given new information. And opinions shouldn't be formed without a certain quantity of information.

Why the fuck am I even bothering to explain this?

Do you often find yourself "going off in all directions at once"?

Yes. Every day at 15:28 MST, I explode.

Do your acquaintances seem to think more of your abilities than you do?

I think that depends on how well they know me. Also, possibly, their gender.

Is the idea of death or even reminders of death abhorrent to you?

Allow me to answer that question with a particularly violent and nasty killing....

Having settled an argument out do you continue to feel disgrunteld for a while?

Only if it was a particularly unsatisfying resolution.

Are you friendly in voice, attitude and expression?

Another question that seems more like a thing that's supposed to be an instruction for the proctor.

Does life seem rather vague and unreal to you?

I think this test is designed to make life feel vague and unreal, what with all the 'didn't I just answer that?' moments.

Do you often feel upset about the fate of war victims and political refugees?

Not that I've noticed. Then again, I haven't noticed any war victims or political refugees recently, either. Didn't I mention that I don't keep up on the news?

Do "mere acquaintances" appeal to you for aid or advice in their personal difficulties?

Yes. But I won't refer them to you.

If you lose an article do you get the idea that "someone must have stolen or mislaid it"?

Elves, actually. Little, tiny elves. Or possibly pixies.

Probably pixies. But not cute little things with shapely girl-bodies and wings. Oh no. These things are all horrible and toothy and evil. And you can't really see them. And they sneak in just outside the range of your peripheral vision, and move stuff around.

Don't go looking for them, though. If you see one, you'll end up mislaid.

What, don't believe me? Where do you think all those missing people went? They're not prisoners in Disneyland's Costumed Character Slave Stables. Oh no. Those bodies turn up. But the people who get 'mislaid'? They never do.

If you thought that someone was suspicious of you and your actions, would you tackle them on the subject rather than leaving them to work it out?

If I had nothing better to do that day, I suppose I might.

Do you sometimes feel that your age is against you (too old or too young)?

Iunno. How old am I again? If you say 'too old to be wearing that shirt with GIR on it, I'll hurt you.

Do you have spells of being sad and depressed for no apparent reason?

I'm having ever-more-frequent spells of déjà vu....

Do you do much grumbling about the conditions you have to face in life?

When life gives you lemons, put them in a sack and beat the everloving shit out of life....

Do you consider you have many warm friends?

What, do you think I magically got some friends between question 25 and question 200?

So, here we are at the end. Finally. No more questions. And, no, I didn't bother to number them. I'm not even sure if I got them all. And I don't feel like going back through and checking, because, ih.

Before I continue with the rest of the pictures, though, here's a list of all the questions, with the answers that give the highest possible score. I probably could've just copypasted that list, but...no. That'd be like stealing, and, therefore, quite wrong. This way, I put a bunch of effort into it, making it not quite as wrong.

I feel like they should also include something along the lines of:

By signing this, I consent to an investigation by Child Services into the matter of whether or not I'm a fit parent.

How nice of them. I totally never would've figured out how to refold it and send it back if they hadn't put that box there. Also, yeah, copyright notice. Look at that. It applies -- to their stuff only.

Believe me, it totally applies. Because I'm not retarded enough to claim any involvement with the creation of 'noises off'.

I do notice that something is slightly...absent from the instructions, though....

They forgot to mention that they're cheap bastards. So much for free.

Um, what?

And then there was this one.

…which I thought was neat, because it was old. And, hey, old biology textbooks are fun, right?

Just so you know I’m not kidding about the age --

1960. I guess that’s not too old. There are people alive now who were old enough to have used this book back then. But it’s not something we’d be happy to see in use today. Because it's a little old, and we don't even like seeing books from the 1990s being given to our pwecious children.

I scanned the first few pages, just because. They're a little large, so...consider yourself warned, or something. They're also kinda crappy, because the book is larger than my scanner, and it's kinda...a book, so it's got some blurry bits, where it's all curved away from everything else. So what you're getting to see is...the middle part, minus bits of the edges, and blurry, because I'm too lazy to piece together some proper scans for you. Maybe I'll do that later, if anyone actually wants the full images.

Scan of the title page.
Scan of "The Holt Science Program" Page, which I'm including...just because it was there.
Scan of Indicia and Preface

I'm now going to assume that you're actually interested in what these pages say, and copy them here.

Indicia

JAMES H. OTTO is head of the Science Department of George Washington High School, Indianapolis, Indiana – ALBERT TOWLE is a teacher of biology at James Lick High School, San Jose, California – TRUMAN J. MOON was head of the Science Department of Middletown High School, Middletown, New York – BROTHER JOSEPH A. KUNTZ was Assistant Professor of Biology at the University of Dayton, Dayton, Ohio – BROTHER EDWARD J. DURY is a teacher of biology at Purcell High School, Cincinnati, Ohio.

The Cover depicts the process of photosynthesis, or food manufacture, in green plants (represented here only by the leaf), without which life on earth (the circle behind the leaf) would not be possible. The molecular configurations illustrate how green plants, in the presence of the green chemical chlorophyll and radiant energy from the sun, utilize carbon (black atoms), hydrogen (red atoms) and oxygen (blue atoms) in molecules of carbon dioxide and water to manufacture food in the form of glucose (a sugar) and release oxygen.

The Title pages repeat the theme of the cover, with animals and man groupsed around the leaf in the brown circle (earth) to illustrate that the basic life functions of all animal life are ultimately dependent on photosynthesis in green plants for their food supply, and therefore for their existence.

Okay so far, I guess. Right?

Preface

In this day of great emphasis on science in the high school curriculum , the biology course assumes a position of increasing importance. This revision of the Gregor Mendel Edition of MODERN BIOLOGY is designed to aid the teacher in meeding the challenge of present-day science teaching.

MODERN BIOLOGY combines the best features of the type, systematic, and principles course. In the study of a type organism, the student deals with a complete plant or animal and the interrelation of all its organs and life activities. This approach emphasized the unity of life. On the other hand, the systematic study of plant and animal groups shows the relationship of all living things, the development of life through various stages of complexity, and the wide variety of organisms which compose our living world. Finally, the study of principles is accomplished largely by the inductive approach. In his study of various organisms, the student discovers those principles which are illustrated by each group of living things. This method of investigation is ideally suited to laboratory study and provides maximum opportunity for research and group or individual project activity.

The organization of MODERN BIOLOGY follows a logical and sequential pattern. Unit 1 introduces biology as a science and relates it to the other sciences. The emphasis on cellular biology in this unit relates the study of biology to many of the most vital areas of research today. Unit 2 broadens the understanding of biological concepts to include the ecological relationships of organisms to their physical and biological environments. The study of classification emphasizes the structural relationship of organisms and introduces the science of taxonomy.

With this general background, the student is prepared to consider specific groups of organisms which illustrate additional principles of structure, function, and adaptation. Unit 3 follows the systematic sequence from simple to more xomplex organisms in presenting the flowerless plants – algae, bacteria, fungi, mosses, and ferns. Unit 4, the seed plants, is of great biological significance because of the many principles illustrated and because of our close association and dependence upon this group.

Unit 5 presents invertebrate animals, beginning with the protozoans. As each animal group is studied in a systematic sequence from simple to more xomplex, the student discovers the pattern of animal development. The study of invertebrates provides the background for a consideration of vertebrate life in Unit 6. As the student progresses through the study of the classes of vertebrates, he becomes aware of the basic similarities in body structure as well as advances which make each group more efficient than the preceding one.

The study of animal biology leads to the climax study of the human body in Unit 7. Problems relating to radiation and space biology, discussed in two chapters at the close of this unit, are of special significance in this Space Age.

Unit 8 presents the problems of disease and the biological conquest of infection. Genetics, plant and animal breeding, eugenics, and eutenics are presented in the chapters of Unit 9. Although conservation is a constant theme which runs throughout the book, the total conservation program is treated fully in the chapters of Unit 10.

The authors of this Gregor Mendel Edition of MODERN BIOLOGY deeply appreciate the cooperation of Father Henry J. Fritz, S.M., in making this revision one of sound Catholic Philosophy, and of Brother Joseph Concannon, S.M.

Wait, what? "...sound Catholic Philosophy?"

I've got a bad feeling about this....

Scan of the Foreword.

Foreword

One hundred years ago in Austria a man of medium height, corpulent figure, high forehead and friendly blue eyes, was engaged in teaching physics and natural history at the Brunn Modern School. His garb distinguished him as a Catholic priest and member of the Augustinian order. He was Gregor Mendel, a man interested in all aspects of natural science. As a teacher, his exposition was clear and luminous. He aimed more at stimulating interest than imparting facts. His pupils concurred in praising his method of instruction, his justice and his kindness. These traits won the praise of his contemporaries, but his permanent fame rests on his experiments and discoveries in biology. In his monastery garden he followed carefully for many years the results of the hybridization of plants. His painstaking method and penetrating observation led to the discovery of the basic laws of heredity, known today as the Mendelian laws. Mankind has since benefited immensely from the application of these laws, especially in animal husbandry and farming. In his own lifetime, however, the importance of Mendel’s achievement was not recognized. His published report of his discoveries was generally ignored until sixteen years after his death, when three other scientists rescued his work from oblivion. Mendel died as Abbot of his monastery on January 6, 1994, in the sixty-second year of his life.

It is to the memory of Gregor Mendel that the present edition of MODERN BIOLOGY is dedicated. The work is substantially the same as the previous edition that has already been so favorably received by teachers and students in Catholic schools. The modifications that have been made will make the present edition even more acceptable to them. Some of these changes have been made for the sake of scientific precision, others in cases where biological science touches upon the philosophic area. A broad teleological view is maintained, that is, the view that nature operates for definite ends or goals. Countless instances of purpose or design are brought before us in this book. If animals without foresight of ends, and plants with no knowledge whatever, perform manifold and complex activities serving an obvious purpose, we cannot fail to recognize that some ruling Intelligence guides the ways of nature, and we come thus to the knowledge of the existence and providence of the Creator.

As to man’s nature in particular, there can be no doubt, for those who grasp the true character of his reasoning processes, of the spirituality of the soul. Although the term animal intelligence has become more or less current, the cleverness of animals certainly differs in kind from the conceptual thought which we find in man. Man’s intellective capacity, moreover, depends on sense knowledge only extrinsically; that is, sense knowledge is only a preliminary condition for the formation of concept. Some concepts, in fact, rise above all material aspects, as for instances, our concept of truth, virtue, or spirit. Man’s mental activities are evidence, not just of a nervous system, but of a spiritual soul.

The word biology in its derivation means the science of life. The obvious intent of the biologist is to study the life of bodily things – plants, animals, men – or the life of organisms. But the concept of life pertains to realities beyond the scope of biology. Theology tells us of the life of angels. Reason discloses to us the existence of a living God, and at the same time the fact that He is in no sense material. God’s perfections are mirrored in His creatures, as every effect reflects something of the cause that produced it. The life of corporeal beings, marvelous in itself, is but a distant reflection of Infinite Life. Almost 400,000 species of plants and animals are something to amaze and bewilder the mind. How much more sublime must be the Life of Him who gives life to them all!

As an aid toward visualizing the place of biology in its relation to other fields of learning and the objects they pursue, the following schema is presented.

...here's the chart they're talking about.

When I bought this thing, I missed the part where it was a textbook from a Catholic school. I just thought it was all...quaint and old, and that's why it had a funny chart about deities and angels and shit.

The really sad part is that the rest of it is probably okay, as far as the science goes. For 1960. Which means that it's not at all what the cdesign proponentsists want in our Biology classes.

I'm sure there are interesting things elsewhere in the book, which means that I can probably stretch this thing into a few more blog posts, if anyone really wants to know what's in this thing. I just thought I should share that whole chart thing now, since it's been a good six months or so since I bought the book, and my first thought upon seeing said chart was 'shit, I gotta share that with the rest of the interwebs.'

Anyway....

This appears to have to do with this ministry that promised to send me a Rose Petal of Paredolia, or something. I don't think I ever got one, but website content is good enough....

You know how this goes.

Page 1, front.

Your Letters
CURE, CONVERSION & MORE

Oh good. Letters. Personal testimony. This should be fun!

I KNOW WHAT I SAW
July 30, 2004

Dear Michael,

Here is my testimony as a witness to the miracle at Bayside on June 9, 2004.

Not just any testimony, but testimony from four years ago. More yay.

I was sitting in my chair saying the Rosary, with riends sitting on both sides of me, when suddenly I saw many people to the right of us separate. My good friend, Marie Hartigen, nudged me and said we should go over to where the people were standing and see what was going on.
We made our way over to where they were standing and leaned forward to see what they might be looking at. There in the sky, maybe 30 or 40 feet above the ground, was the Blessed Mother holding the Baby Jesus in Her left arm. She appeared as a statue made of stone but the color of concrete.

At first I turned from the statue. I felt unworthy to view this holy statue of the Blessed Mother of God and the Baby Jesus, but I was drawn to see this miracle. And as my fears of unworthiness left and I gazed longingly at the Mother and Child, I could see the folds in Her gown. The Baby was sitting on Her arm, not reclining, and the Blessed Mother was wearing a crown.

The crown was not like the crown we have for the Blessed mother at Bayside. This crown had points on it. I could not take my eyes off the apparition or move away.

As I continued to stand there the statue of the Blessed Mother and Jesus disappeared from the sky.

I never looked at my watch. I no longer saw the apparition in the sky but saw only the branches blowing; it was about 10 or 15 minutes.

I know what I saw. I also know when I only saw the trees blowing in the breeze and there was no longer a statue in the sky. I was glad I remained standing there to see the difference.

I thank Heaven that I was allowed to see this. It was a great miracle that was manifested at the Shrine that evening.

I have always believed that all the messages and miracles of Our Lady of the Roses, Mary Help of Mothers is true. This beautiful miracle confirms what I already believed.

I hope this miracle is a confirmation for many other souls whether they were there to view it or not. For as Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ said to the apostle, Thomas, "Blessed are those who believe and do not see."

In truth and love,
Mary Lorraine Dranchak
Trumbul, CT

Oh good. A statue. Made of stone, but with the colour of concrete. So that'd be grey, right? And it was 30 or 40 feet above the ground. With a baby sitting on its arm, and a pointy crown. Just, y'know, making notes.

[Image Caption]
Pilgrims reacting to a phenomenon above the sacred grounds on June 19, 2004, the 34th Anniversary of Our Lady at Bayside. Unfortunately, we never got a good picture of the supernatural image.

Funny how that always seems to happen.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS
July 7, 2004

I was helping at the religious gifts service area on June 19, 2004, at the 34th Anniversary Vigil, when Mary Bauer came over and told me to come and look up into the trees above Our Lady's statue. She said that people were seeing Our Lady there. I went over and immediately saw what she was talking about. In the pines to the left of the statue, I saw two bright white figures, Our Lady with Jesus in Her left arm. Both of them were wearing crowns. Even though I knew that it was the lights shining on the pine needles, both figures were clearly defined and shining.
I have been coming to the Shrine since 1973, and I have never seen anything like this. I saw Our Lady and Jesus without a doubt and so did many other people with me. I believe it was a gift from Our Lady because of the difficult times so many of us are experiencing.

Marian A. Morris
Stanford, CT

It's a good thing someone went over and told this person what people were seeing, so she? could see something different. White, not concrete. Definitely the lights from a statue [on the ground] shining on the trees, and no mention of the amazing height. Both wearing crowns, and the baby's being held, not 'just sitting there'.

[Image Caption]At the Anniversary Vigil in June, some of the 1000 plus pilgrims look up in awe at the pines in what many later testified was a clear and living image of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. For the full story look for our next issue of "Golden Warrior" (inset} Some of the good Fathers imparting their priestly blessing to the faithful at the end of the Anniversary Vigil.

Clear. Uh huh. It's really not looking that way based on your cherry-picked letters.

Page 1, back

AS PLAIN AS DAY
June 28, 2004

During some time late in the evening, I went over to where the pilgrims were praying. I believe Francis Harrington was leading the Rosary at the time. I noticed something was up because of the crowd looking up at the sky.

Then Mary Bauer, Michael Mangan's twin sister, told me to look up toward the light on the tree. That is when I saw an image of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. Our Lady with Baby Jesus both were wearing a gold crown with a lot of gold-coloring all around. I saw this image as plain as day.

I have seen white doves over the years but I have never seen the flesh, as it were, the image of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel.

I have good eyesight and I know what I saw and it was Our Lady of Mt. Carmel and to me this was a spectacular image.

Peter Frank
Lay Order of St Michael
Flushing, NY

Oh, it's Mary Bauer telling people to look again. I wonder how many people saw it just because she told them what to see.

...and now their lady and baby are...gold, instead of white or of the colour of concrete.

I STUDIED IT INTENTLY
July 2004

This is my testimony.

I had left my seat and went walking on the street when I heard someone say that there is an image of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel in the trees.

On my return to my seat I looked up at the light reflecting in the trees and sure enough there was a clear unmistaken image of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel--Our Lady in a light beige gown with the crown on Her head and the Infant Jesus in Her arms with the crown on His head. I gazed at this image for a long time and studied it intently and there is no mistake that it was an image of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel.

Charlotte Williams
Bronx, NY

Light beige! That's almost like gold, and white! All at once.

A PHENOMENON
July 15, 2004

Dear Michael and James,

On July 19th, 2004, I was at the 34th Anniversary Vigil of Our Lady's Apparitions at Bayside. When I was sitting and praying the Rosary on the sacred grounds, I suddenly heard a commotion. The pilgrims were standing and pointing at the pine trees and were quite in awe.

I'm thinking it was about doves, so, I'm looking around to see the doves. Then my daughter told me that she saw Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. The light shining on Our Lady's vigil statue was reflecting on the branches of the pine trees above the statue. I saw Our Lady of Mt. Carmel in the branches of the pine trees.

This was quite a phenomenon.

Gladys Zietkowski
Palmer, MA

I have to wonder why they picked this letter -- the child element, maybe?

Of course, I can't figure out why they didn't just carefully select letters with properly matching testimony....

A BEAUTIFUL VISION
July 2004

Dear Michael,

On June 19th, the 34th Anniversary Vigil, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel came to the holy grounds after the 9 p.m. blessings. Our Lady was in the habit of the Carmelite Order with the Child Jesus in Her hands and the crown on Her head. Our Lady was on top of the high tree behind the excedra of the Vatican Pavilion Site. It was a beautiful supernatural vision reminding us of the importance of the brown Scapular.

Elisa Rasmussen
Astoria, NY

Carmelite habit? Why do I get the feeling that we're on our fifth version of the 'vision'?

IT WAS VERY AGLOW
July 29, 2004

Dear SMWA,

In honor of the 34th Anniversary of Our Lady's Apparitions at Bayside, I attended the vigil on the holy grounds on June 19th, 2004.

I had been on the holy grounds since 3 p.m. and sometime after 9 p.m. a small group of people, a little to the left of the excedra, were pointing above the statue. A gentleman pointed to the trees and told me Our Lady was holding Jesus. I looked very closely but could not see the vision and went back to my prayers.

About ten minutes later, I moved over to the left so that I would have a better view. The spotlight that illuminates the statue of Our Lady also shines above on the trees. This light is what I initially noticed but it suddenly got very bright and appeared to move closer.

At this moment, I saw Our Lady of Mt. Carmel holding the Child Jesus. They both wore a gold crown. Our Lady was dressed in the brown habit and Jesus wore a long light-colored gown. I could not see Their faces clearly.

At times, they seemed to move forward and downward. The vision was very aglow and appeared to be very solid rather than abstract or transparent. I was able to experience this for about ten minutes.

I attest that these facts are true and as accurate as I can recall.

Carol A. Hemphill
Spokane, WA

Gotta love the 'it was very aglow'....

Also, brown. That's six.

A VERY FRUITFUL WEEKEND
June 28, 2004

Dear Michael,
My friend, Carolyn Donovan of Portland, Me., was granted many graces at the Anniversary Vigil and holy hour for priests. She saw Christ the King on Saturday evening and I saw Our Lady of mt. Carmel. On Sunday we both saw the Sacred Heart of Jesus in full body on the excedra wall.

Thank you again for a very fruitful weekend.

In Jesus and Mary,

Rosemary Sibley
Eagleville, PA

...and here we have a completely unrelated set of visions, which I think might be here just to make me think that they were all unrelated. Except that these people were all claiming to have seen their own version of the thing that their friend told them to see....

On to the letter....

Page 2.

April 15, 2008

[address]

Dear Friends of Our Lady of the Roses, Mary Help of Mothers,

Since our last Pilgrimage to the Shrine in 2006, we have gone through some major medical complications. My dear husband Bill has had his hips replaced twice. Diabetes has caused an amputated toe; blood clots formed which later caused an amputation below the knee. He had a pace maker put in due to a heart attack from two years ago. He had an operation on his hand some weeks ago. He is home and recuperating very well. We will be offering all of his medical illnesses up to Our Lady on this year's Pilgrimage.

Sounds like someone's relying a little too much on prayer, and not nearly enough on medicine.

On our 2006 pilgrimage, many had experienced miracles. One family had rosaries turned to gold. Some saw Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. Bill and I saw Our Lady's oval shaped light. Miracle cures were granted to a family on their return to Colorado. I have had eight rosaries turn to gold at other past pilgrimages.

Oh good. Things turning to gold. It's Our Lady of Rumpelstiltskin, and her Blessed Son, Midas.

I am extending our invitation to join us this year for the 38th Anniversary Pilgrimage. We are hoping to form a group from Denver. If we get at least 10 persons we can get an airline group rate. This is an estimate of how much it would cost:

Hotel (1-4)persons - $139.00 per night. Persons in room would divide amount equally.
3 nights total.
Saturday Bus - $45.00 per person.
Saturday Dinner - $26.00 per person.
Sunday Bus - $35.00 per person.
Sunday Banquet - $45.00 per person.
Airline - $350.00 + taxes (price may change).

We would need a $200.00 deposit immediately to confirm by May 1st, and final payment would be May 15th.

We will have an informal meeting to give you the complete itinerary and information. I am enclosing a flyer of the pilgrimage, but I would appreciate it if you make arrangements through me, as I am the Denver organizer. Please call me at [phone number].

Yours In Christ,
[signature]
[name]

Page 1

Yeah, um, no. Even if I did want to take some trip to some religious thing, I'm not sure I'd trust someone who just mailed me out of the blue one day with two hundred bucks.

Page 3, side 1.

order your Banquet tix today!

THE LOURDES OF AMERICA

Our Lady's 38th Anniversary Pilgrimage June 21-22, 2008

OUR LADY'S ANNIVERSARY WEEKEND IS quickly approaching. We're looking forward to seeing you. In light of these troubling times, the world desperately needs your prayers more than ever, which are even more powerful and pleasing on these sacred grounds of Bayside. Indeed, what a joy it is to celebrate the beautiful and hope-filled Message of Our Lady and Jesus.

The 38th Anniversary Vigil will be on Saturday, June 21st and the Anniversary Banquet will be on Sunday, June 22nd. We encourage you to book your weekend package as soon as possible and purchase your Banquet tickets early as well.

With costs increasing each year for the Anniversary celebration, we are asking those attending for a $25 tax-deductible donation to St Michael's World Apostolate. As you know, priests go free and these costs, too, are increasing. We are counting on your donation to help defray these expenses.

May Our Lady's grace be with you, once again, as you join in fellowship with companionable spirits from around the globe on these sacred grounds especially chosen by our Father in Heaven to save the world and nourish His children.

The random boldface was in the original letter. I'm not sure why it was there, except that maybe it's meant to make certain things jump out.

"I was very pleased at the numbers present at the Banquet. It eases My Heart to see so many true souls present."
Our Lady, June 21, 1992

Wow. The visions talk, too. And they're pleased with things. That's convenient. What colour was this one wearing? Taupe?

[Image Caption]With Rosary in hand, pilgrims invoke the blessing of Jesus and Mary at the Shrine during last year's Anniversary.

Is it a magical metalli-change rosary, though...?

PILGRIMAGE PACKAGE

• Latin Tridentine Mass and confessions offered daily
• LGA Marriott Hotel $139 per night (reg $299 or more)
• Saturday Vigil Bus $45 per person
  • Includes stop at Veronca's grave
  • Open House at Our Lady's workshop 12-4p.m.
  • Dinner stop before Vigil at Marriott, $26 per person
  • Buses are lavatory-equipped and will remain during entire Vigil for your convenience
• Sunday Holy Hour bus $35-per person
• Venerate Rosary kissed by Our Lady
• Priests go free
• Tax-deductible donation of $25 per person is requested to defray expenses incurred for the Anniversary weekend

If you donate more, are you more likely to get one of the magical metalli-change rosaries? Seriously, I must know.

Page 3, side 2.

MESSAGES FROM JESUS AND MARY

"ALL WHO COME TO THESE HALLOWED GROUNDS, MY CHILD WILL RECEIVE GRACES IN ABUNDANCE. GRACES OF CURS AND CONVERSIONS. THE CRIPPLED SHALL WALK, THE BLIND SHALL SEE. THOSE IN DARKNESS SHALL COME FORWARD INTO THE LIGHT"
JESUS, FEBRUARY 1, 1974

...um, what?

"MY SON WILL PERFORM THESE SACRED GROUND A MAJOR MIRACLE THAT WILL BRING ALL TO THE KNOWLEDGE AND REALITY THAT THERE EXISTS A GOD WHO IS THE CREATOR AND RULES HEAVEN AND EARTH."
OUR LADY, MAY 30, 1973

I should note that these are copied as they were written on the page I got in the mail. You can check the scan yourself. It really doesn't make much sense....

"HOME SWEET HOME" WE HAVE MADE OUR HOME UPON THESE GROUNDS. THEREFORE, ALL WHO COME HERE TO BE SOLACED, I WILL BE HERE, MY MOTHER AND I SHALL STAY HERE EVEN INTO THE CONFLAGRATION."
JESUS, JUNE 18, 1991

It's so nice to know that Jesus will be in their chosen place of worship when the end times come. That's so wonderful, isn't it? And hey, everyone loves to be solaced, right? Nothing like a good solacing....

OUR LADY PROMISED PROTECTION TO ALL WHO COME. HOW MUCH SHE LOVES HER CHILDREN, HOW CAN WE REFUSE THE GIFTS!'
SHE IS CALLING YOU.

How'd she get my number? Who's responsible?

...and something you won't get from a blog posting is that these pages smell like burning. Like matches, even.

How...sinister.

I wonder if that had anything to do with someone deciding they only wanted 'anons' and not 'internet fags who saw it on youtube'.

Personally, I haven't seen their little youtube thing. Through a series of [not so] serendipitous events, I began a Scientology reading binge about a week before the stupid Tom Cruise Video and the Denial of Service fiasco.

Allow me to explain through the magic of vague minustime [ - time ]. It went something like this:

- 3 weeks: Business as usual.
- 2 weeks: I can't get away from talk of Scientology. Even if I put the entire chatroom on ignore, someone finds me through IM and asks me if I've heard about it. Halfway through the week, I get seriously annoyed and finally go to xenu.net. I figure I'll watch that Southpark thing again, and be done with it.
- 1 week: The magic and spiffiness of Scientology is that it forces so many people to turn to the internet to release their information. Xenu.net has books. WHOLE BOOKS! I have found a new home. After much rummaging through various metaphorical boxes, I settle here and start reading.
The Attack: I already know so much about Scientology that I decide the initial attack is just them being terribly confused by all the hits they're getting, and deciding to blame 'some anonymous party', which, in turn, leads to Anon dropping in to gay up the place.

I still don't know if I was wrong about that. I really don't know that I care, either, because it sounds like the sort of thing they'd do -- also, at this point, I have much more reading to do.

Since then, I've been through The Scandal of Scientology, A Piece of Blue Sky, Bare-Faced Messiah - The True Story of L Ron Hubbard, and am now working my way through the available parts of the potentially-longer-and-denser-than-Battlefield Earth Clearwater Hearing transcript [both here and here].

In my wanderings, I ended up at scientology-lies.com through a rather old [nothing newer than the 90s] page that seemed to be nothing more than a collected list of reports of harassment from the newsgroup.

Also, you can't forget the ever-popular http://www.whyaretheydead.net/ and http://www.lisamcpherson.org/, because everyone knows about Lisa. And that boiled guy [there are pictures].

I think that, once I'm done with the transcripts, I'll be moving back to xenu.net. There are still more free-to-read-online books there, and I do enjoy that.

Anyway, no. I didn't attend the protest, so there will be no pictures of it here. But I do suddenly feel that I know way more about Scientology than I do about some other religions. Because of this, I feel qualified to have an opinion on the subject.

Hubbard makes me look sane. And kind. And coherent. And alive, since he's really, most sincerely dead.

Scientology is a potentially dangerous cult and a moneymaking scheme. The people involved aren't always bad people, but...well, neither are people in other religions, until they blow up a Planned Parenthood clinic. It's kinda the same thing. The crazies in Scientology probably would've joined the Army of God if they'd gotten there first [and, say, gotten the parents of this person, because they were probably raised in the cult].

I'm not actually interested in 'destroying' Scientology - I know better than that. You can't destroy something that's already been spread on the internet [like that Tom Cruise video]. I would like to see them lose their tax exempt status, though. And maybe get labelled as vexatious litigants.

...ha! Someone put this at the bottom of the Vexatious Litigation page. I guess I'm not the only one....

Shit. Why are the croutons always gone?

The website lists it for $100. Ish. Tuesday Morning will have it for 30 or 40. And for those of us who already have mp3 players, or cd players that can read mp3s burned to disc, or WinAmp, librivox probably has it for free.

And if you really want free, you could always read the damn thing yourself. Or get someone with a pleasant reading voice to read it to you. I bet you could even get a bible for free, these days. It is the internet, after all. about.com have quite a few suggestions about how to get a free bible.

If you see anyone with the GoBible, laugh at them. Or ask them about it first, find out how much they spent on it, and then laugh at them. Because they deserve it.

They'll probably also deserve any beatings they get from those iPod-stealing types who steal this thing instead and find out they're stuck with a worthless hunk of dedicated bibleplayer.

Let's look at what you get for your, ooh, $99.95! Black text on a blue screen? A bible that's cut into single-verse mp3s, and also indexed by 'popular story', or a 'Bible-in-a-Year' method. I can see where that would be worth a lot to some christians -- the cut-into-single-verse thing. If you're going to be all picky about which bits you're gonna follow, you don't want to end up listening to the bits you don't want to follow. Pity you can't delete the bits you don't want -- that would make this SO much better.

Speaking of better, they might want to offer it in a less evil colour. Maybe a white. Or a yellow. Or something godly. With a cross on it. Get rid of the wheel, and put a cross there instead, so you can use Jesus to navigate the bible.

And if you steal this idea, I will be forced to do something....

That's the page I get when I go to peterpopoff.org, which, I guess, redirects to peterpopoffministries.com. I don't really know for sure. I just wanted to share.

Please excuse the largeness, those of you on smaller resolutions.  I did crop it, but...it just needs to be full-sized, y'know?  Because it's funny.

THIS INTERESTING TO READ SUCH NEGATIVE REPORTS ABOUT PETER POPOFF! I WASN'T SURE EITHER, UNTIL I REALIZED THAT HE DOES READ MY REQUEST. HOW DID HE KNOW MY EX-HUSBAND'S NAME? OR THAT BOTH OF MY SON'S JONATHON AND ANDREW PLUS, THEIR FATHER, MARK HAVING MARAJUANA ADDICTION. THIS IS HOW I KNEW HE WAS ACTUAKKY READING MY LETTERS.
I DO TITHE TO HIM BECAUSE THE SPIRIT HAS PLACED IT UPON MY HEART TO DO SO.
I AM NOT DISREGARDING WHAT SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING, IT'S NOT MY EXPERIENCE WITH REV. POPOFF. I WAS SURPRISED THAT I WAS LED TO "SEND OFFERINGS", HOWEVER, GOD HAS OPENED UP THE WINDOWS OF HEAVEN AND POURED OUT MANY BLESSINGS." THANYOU, STEPHANIE MISASI

Posted to:

You are a stupid cow. I am sad that you've bred. I do not blame your husband and children for their attempts to escape you through whatever means necessary.

Yes, dummy, someone scanned that little message you managed to typo into the webform on his website. Did Peter Popoff do it himself? No. Did Peter Popoff write those letters himself? Not likely. They're templates. Your name, and the names and situations you've given them are inserted. The Great and Powerful Reverend doesn't even know if the $200. he spent on that informercial slot came from you or the other five hundred letters his processing facility sent out three Fridays ago.

May the spirit place it upon you to get yourself spayed and be a witness somewhere without electricity or people who understand English, so that you'll never inflict yourself on anyone you can actually harm.

Carman was a Christian singer that made me touch myself when I was a preteen. The influence of alcohol and Hunter made me realize that I should share that love with him, so here is the letter I'm sending via his website (with my real e-mail, should he actually want to hook up)....

Hey Carman. You came to Bakersfield a long time ago. I saw you at the Fairgrounds. I threw you a teddy bear. What a fun show that was. But really, I have something quite serious to say....
I recently found out that I can't conceive children. That doesn't really bother me, as I don't really like the little turds, but someday I might want to have them, you know? Anyway, I was praying about it the other day, and then I turned on TBN and you happened to be on. I think that was a sign. I think Jesus is trying to tell me that it is God's will for me to have children. I don't just mean any children, I mean YOUR children. Seriously, what other kind of sign could that have been? The holy spirit spoke to me through TBN, and now I am here to plead my case.
Jesus was telling me the other day that I really need to make more of an effort to touch your bathing-suit places. By touch, I'm sure He meant stroke, because, you know, Jesus can sometimes be cryptic like that. From my past indiscretions, I have been told that I give amazing blowjobs and would be happy...no...honored to give one to you in the name of Jesus Christ. Then just as you were about to spew your man juices inside my mouth, I would sit on your Sword of Righteousness and ride you like a horseman of the Apocalypse. Jesus told me that He would touch your scrotum to His mouth as you climaxed and that you would fill me with your seed, causing me to conceive a child. Praise Jesus! What a marvelous revelation! So, as is the will of God, the next time you are in Bakersfield, e-mail me. I (and Jesus) will DEFINITELY make it worth your while.

Linda