That's the page I get when I go to peterpopoff.org, which, I guess, redirects to peterpopoffministries.com. I don't really know for sure. I just wanted to share.

Please excuse the largeness, those of you on smaller resolutions.  I did crop it, but...it just needs to be full-sized, y'know?  Because it's funny.

THIS INTERESTING TO READ SUCH NEGATIVE REPORTS ABOUT PETER POPOFF! I WASN'T SURE EITHER, UNTIL I REALIZED THAT HE DOES READ MY REQUEST. HOW DID HE KNOW MY EX-HUSBAND'S NAME? OR THAT BOTH OF MY SON'S JONATHON AND ANDREW PLUS, THEIR FATHER, MARK HAVING MARAJUANA ADDICTION. THIS IS HOW I KNEW HE WAS ACTUAKKY READING MY LETTERS.
I DO TITHE TO HIM BECAUSE THE SPIRIT HAS PLACED IT UPON MY HEART TO DO SO.
I AM NOT DISREGARDING WHAT SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING, IT'S NOT MY EXPERIENCE WITH REV. POPOFF. I WAS SURPRISED THAT I WAS LED TO "SEND OFFERINGS", HOWEVER, GOD HAS OPENED UP THE WINDOWS OF HEAVEN AND POURED OUT MANY BLESSINGS." THANYOU, STEPHANIE MISASI

Posted to:

You are a stupid cow. I am sad that you've bred. I do not blame your husband and children for their attempts to escape you through whatever means necessary.

Yes, dummy, someone scanned that little message you managed to typo into the webform on his website. Did Peter Popoff do it himself? No. Did Peter Popoff write those letters himself? Not likely. They're templates. Your name, and the names and situations you've given them are inserted. The Great and Powerful Reverend doesn't even know if the $200. he spent on that informercial slot came from you or the other five hundred letters his processing facility sent out three Fridays ago.

May the spirit place it upon you to get yourself spayed and be a witness somewhere without electricity or people who understand English, so that you'll never inflict yourself on anyone you can actually harm.

I think she tried for something like 300. I was pretty sure I went for thirty [even though I said I went for twenty in my last post]. I got 21 of each. I'm not sure what's going on here.

I don't know if colorofjanuary got all 300. She didn't count them, that I know of. She also got some other stuff -- she posted pictures here

The two envelopes I got yesterday.

Two envelopes, two mailback envelopes, two 'send me money' fliers, and a bunch of pins.

21 gold pins.

21 silver pins.

Make that 20 gold pins. I gave one away.

Swyndle was over here last night, so now he's got one on his jacket. You can tell that's his jacket. See the Decepticon insignia?

It came in a brownish paper envelope. Kinda like those old paper bags you can still get at the grocery store if you ask?

...and it's a pretty short and simple one, too. Good.

It came with a prepaid return envelope. Also good.

Oh, and a mystery envelope that I'm not allowed to open until I'm done reading the letter. Ooh.

So I opened it a few days later....

No goodies, but there was this card that happened to be in there upside down.

Page 1

THE MINISTRY OF GOD'S PROPHET PETER POPOFF

March 1, 2006

Dear Partner [Insert Name],

The situation is desperate and we have little time. I am writing you in this extremely urgent matter. If you are reading this letter, the immediate crisis will be averted. Pay close attention, because it could be a matter of life or death for someone you love.

That's nice. Since I got the letter, the 'bad thing' isn't going to happen. Since, y'know, it wasn't going to happen anyway. But someone might still die, even though the badness isn't there anymore. Or something.

Does this qualify as nuttier than the crazy black powder letter?

Here's why: My visions are so accurate.

Huh-what? You mean like that vague and fuzzy one about me and the fog. Or that one about my front room?

I recently witnessed in a vision a horrible attack from the very pits of hell. I was afraid that it was against someone close to you. Furthermore, I saw that you, too were suffering from a constant satanic onslaught. I promise you, this will not stop.

Wow. Two attacks in one vision. Your so-accurate yet so horribly vague visions.

Come on, someone close to me? What sort of close? Close like sitting next to me? Close like a neighbour, or on the same block? Close like immediate family, or friends?

We know there is a lot of trouble in your life, so here is what needs to be done now. There are two separate, horrible problems. Both could turn into tragedies in the next few weeks if action is not taken. I have already placed a powerful prayer covering over you and your loved ones.

Now it's loved ones, not 'close to me'. I guess that's almost clearer.

I wonder what these 'two seperate, horrible problems' are.

I've enclosed a gift for you that will literally stop satan in his tracks: a powerful prayer given to me by the Holy Spirit. It will cast a circle of miracle protection around you and your loved ones for 7 days. You must speak the words of this prayer out loud. I have done this for you. The rest is up to you.

If I must speak the words out loud, how have you done that for me?

Please, please do this or else!

Yeah! Or else!

Open the envelope with the prayer enclosed after reading this letter. Say the prayer out loud 7 times. Do this again tomorrow, then destroy the paper I recorded it on. Do this and a circle of divine protection will surround you and your loved ones. If you do not do this, I fear the worst.

I thought the prayer was so powerful that it would stop satan...but you want me to destroy it? I'm shocked. I was expecting you to tell me to tape it to my door, or something.

I feel so close to you in the spirit. I feel your hurts and your pain.

...what's the difference between 'hurts' and 'pain'?

Also: I really wish he did.

The next 90 days are crucial for your happiness. Right now you are standing at a crossroads. Take the right road and happiness will be yours. Your life is in the balance.

--OVER--

90 days now. Just keep pushing it out.

And, hey, we're back at the whole road thing from the last letter. Sorta.

Page 2

--2--

I assure you that if you take action, you will see your dreams become realities. I say to you with the boldest faith I know: Miracles are at hand for you if we take appropriate action now.

Yeah, if you take action something will probably happen. If, however, you sit around saying prayers seven times in a row, you're probably not going to get anything out of it.

Except, maybe, another letter.

1. I see both of your most serious concerns being resolved by God's miracles within this 90 day period.

Yeah, that's great. What were those concerns again? I mean, I gotta watch for them, right?

['Handwriting'] I'VE SEEN IT WITH PERFECT CLARITY.

However, I've written it in generic terms so that it fits with whoever happens to be reading this form letter.

2. I see your financial concerns being elimintated because of 5 miraculous and completely unexpected grants of prosperity. Each by the hand of God!

So, what gets us money? I think I covered that before...someone dies, there's a car accident that's the other person's fault...anything else?

As we agree together, within hours, the miracles I speak of will begin. Put me to this simple test if you have any doubts whatsoever.

It's already been hours. I haven't noticed any difference in anything.

I am entering into a very special period of fasting and prayer in obedience unto the leading of the Holy Spirit. Thousands across North America and the world have been led to fast at this very crucial time, also. This is a divine directive. All I am doing is asking you to agree with me for the next 90 days. You will see protection, victory, health, prosperity. I won't fail you. I am certain of your victory, if you will only agree with me. That is why I am contacting you in such a dramatic fashion. There isn't a minute to waste.

Yeah. This dramatic fashion. By letter, as usual. What would be dramatic is if you called me, even though you don't know my number....

Wait, I don't have to fast, do I? Because I'm not gonna....

['Handwriting'] YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT I AM INTERVENING ON YOUR BEHALF!

Do I really have a choice?

Everything will be different. You will never again be in want. Never again be lonely or without that which you desire because our faith will be united.

...something about this sounds a little bit like that time, years ago, when this Muslim guy tried to convince me that if I'd just convert, he'd send me all sorts of money....

Please do this now: Fill out the enclosed prayer sheet. You must send me two of your most personal prayer requests: one for yourself, and one request for the loved one who is most on your heart. Trust me now, because I know exactly what I am doing.

...you're trying to see if it's all the money requests that made me not respond, right?

Please do not forget to say the prayer I sent you: Seven times today and tomorrow. Then destroy it. Tragedy will be averted just as I promised.

Or it won't. Or it won't happen even if you don't say the prayer. Who knows.

Hurry now. Return your two prayer requests right away on the enclosed prayer page. Do it now. There isn't a minute to waste.

If there's not a minute to waste, then why a two page letter? Why not just "OMGSHIT UR IN TROUBLE DO THIS!" and be done with it?

Blessings.
Love, your prophet
Peter Popoff.

...mmmno.

Prayer Page

PRAYER PAGE

You must simply act this very moment and get your TWO PRAYER REQUESTS back to me for my special time of fasting and prayer. Let me pray for you. Please send me two and ['red ink' box around next three words] only two requests: Your most urgent need and the need of a loved one who is most on your heart.

Do it. Do it now. I don't care if the post office is closed. Get it to me RIGHT NOW!

Bro. Popoff, here is my most urgent request: [Bunch of blank lines]

This always happens. I can never come up with the 'things I want for giftmas' lists, either.

Here is the need of my loved one:
Their relationship to me (check) ( ) son ( ) daughter ( ) husband ( ) wife ( )mother ( )father ( ) close friend ( ) other [blank].

Let's see....

How 'bout (x) other? 'not so close friend'

Their needs: [bunch of blank lines]

Well, my friend...kinda needs for the stars to be right....

Anyone else got any needs for Brother Partner Prophet Peter Popoff?

Now, hurry, please. The time has come. Your rewards await. RUSH THIS SHEET BACK TO ME. SEND NO MONEY.

You will be billed later.

['Handwriting'] *I feel very drawn to you so I won't ask for any money for this.

Good. You ain't gettin' any.

Wait a minute...drawn to me? Is this going to turn into some strange sort of form-letter stalking?

The Envelope

[All in 'handwriting']DO NOT OPEN UNTIL READING LETTER ENTIRELY. THEN OPEN THIS AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS IMMEDIATELY!!!

I ask, PLEASE DO THIS

Front of the Card
Back of the Card

Follow These Instructions From God's Prophet Peter Popoff

[All in 'handwriting']Follow THESE INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY! RECITE THE PRAYER ON THE BACK OF THIS PAPER ALOUD 7 TIMES TODAY. I SUGGEST YOU DO IT NOW. REPEAT THE PRAYER AGAIN ALOUD 7 TIMES TOMORROW AS WELL. THEN DESTROY THIS PAPER. TEAR IT UP OR BURN IT.

I'm still not sure what the whole 'destroy this paper' thing is all about....

PRAYER:
Heavenly Father, I Jesus' name I come to you in agreement with the PROPHET YOU have sent to me: I ask you to bind every hindering force that would come against me or my house. Let your power and anointing rest upon me. In Jesus name, I pray. AMEN.

SAY THIS SEVEN TIMES

That's not a typo. They actually forgot the 'n' in 'In'.

New letter.

Six fucking pages. The long kind. When I opened it, I didn't know what that little packet was. So I actually had to read the letter.

Page 1

['Blue Ink Box' around paragraph] As I entered a special time of prayer yesterday, your name appeared in my mind.

Is 'special prayer time' before or after 'Jello time' in your Special Home?

I concentrated on your name and began to realize that God was showing me your situation in a striking vision.

Did the vision actually involve you being struck, because I kinda like that idea....

What I saw were some of the most awesome revelations that directly concerned you and your loved ones. I want to share these special revelations with you.

Wow. I'm so...special. His visions of me are 'most awesome'.

['Handwriting' off to the right] WARNING: This extremely personal letter contains family and financial secrets that MUST NOT fall into the wrong hands. READ IN PRIVATE.

I did. There's nothing at all personal in this letter. There's a whole bunch of blanks where I'm supposed to write in personal information...but...nothing else.

*Dear Partner [Insert Name],

I still think that if I'm a partner, I should be getting a cut of whatever he makes from this scam....

Until today, your progress has been very slow...

No shit. I've been bogged down by a bunch of other letters from you and some of the people you've sold your mailing list to....

as I was in prayer this morning I heard your desperate cry in my spirit and I felt your turmoil in my soul.

You did? Really? When was this, because...I don't remember sending you a desperate cry. You're a crappy psychic.

Then a Miracle! The Holy Spirit descended upon me and gave me a divinely anointed prophetic word. Here is the message:

A 'divinely anointed prophetic word'. That's gotta be, what, at least 15% better than a regular prophetic word?

You have only 72 hours to break the power of the demoic influences that have held you back from your God-given inheritance of divine blessings.

Too bad it took at least 72 hours for this letter to get from your bulk-mail facility to my mailbox....

I asked the Lord why you've had to struggle as you do. The Lord then opened my understanding and revealed everything to me. The reason your problems have been so severe and have lasted so long is that, because you have become spiritually aggressive, you have become a major threat to the kingdom of darkness.

"Why haven't all these miracles Peter Popoff promised happened yet?" "Oh, they are, but Satan's blocking them all"

Good answer....

The people you were able to get with all the other letters you've sent me probably bought it, too, didn't they?

This continual assault from the pit of hell against you explains some of your recent financial, health and even emotional problems.

...but this assault didn't explain it before I [didn't] become spiritually aggressive, when I first [didn't] call Peter Popoff? Wow. We make sense -- it's what we do....

['Blue ink' line down left side of paragraph]*But, [Insert Name], get ready, because this powerful Isaiah 6:6,7 faith action will BRING DISAPPOINTMENTS TO AN END AND OPEN A NEW WAY... FOR TOTAL HEALING AND NEW BLESSINGS IN YOUR LIFE. You are about to witness a miracle taking place in your body, spirit, your finances and in YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

Relationships, being in all caps, are more important than body, spirit or finances. And, obviously, they're what I'm having the most trouble in. Or something. Is this the personal part?

[Insert Name], you are destined for a future of success, wealth and good fortune.

And possibly increased hits based on people finding me by searching for Peter Popoff. I suppose this could lead to a future of success, if people suddenly feel the need to go shopping after reading this crap, and happen to shop at Wasted, or just donate or something.

Through you, every member of your family is going to be blessed, blessed, blessed. Believe me, God knows exactly where He wants to take you.

God's planning on taking me while I'm on the playground. He's got the van without windows and the puppy story all ready....

We absolutely must join forces right now, so that as of February 14, 2006, you'll rediscover your full potential, and all of your God-given talents, strengths and abilities will be released in all areas of your life.

Oops. Little late.

Why this particular date, February 14, 2006? Simply because, in Jesus' name, this date will mark the beginning of 40 days of financial windfall. 40 days of joy and happiness. 40 days of beautiful miracles. ['Handwriting'] EVERYTHING CHANGES NOW!

Where 'now' wasn't actually February 14th.

These cruel waves of satanic assault that are frustrating, poisoning and ruining your health and your life MUST BE STOPPED! And stopped NOW!

Yes. They really must. These satanic assaults that take the form of letters from you and other televangelists -- some that I haven't actually 'contacted' [through online forms] myself.

['Handwriting'] ...Never again will you feel the pain, struggle and frustration of this last year...

Well, no. Any 'pain, struggle and frustration'[huh?] I feel will be all new 2006 'pain, struggle and frustration', and not last year's 2005 model.

over --->

Page 2

--2--

['Blue Ink' -- double lines, lefthand side of paragraph]*Yes, I'm so sure that you'll ACT ON YOUR FAITH now... I'm so certain that you'll follow divine leading and direction and that you'll absolutely refuse to miss the blessings and abundance that God has for you that I've taken the liberty of sending you this packet of coals anointed with an unusual and powerful ANOINTING from the GOLDEN ALTAR of PRAYER. God has directed me and told me EXACTLY how to consecrate these coals. He's already given me the... right words... the right thing to do... to begin a miracle!

Oh. So that's what these are....

['Handwriting'] LET NO ONE ELSE TOUCH THESE ANOINTED COALS

Hear that? Don't touch them. Keep your skanky otherperson hands off my anointed black powder. STOP TOUCHING THEM! I SEE YOU TOUCHING THEM! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

[Insert Name], let me tell you a few very important things about these HOLY ANOINTED COALS. God let me see in a VISION his mighty angel flying toward us with a live coal in his hand. This coal was burning with a hot fire that came directly from the Altar of God. (The fire is a symbol of the anointing and awesome Power of God).

Picture an angel carrying this.

Oh. And it's on fire. And it's straight from the Altar of God. And in the Offbrand Ziplock Baggie of God.

...this is silly.

*This anointing and POWER is about to touch your life in three SPECIFIC areas: Your eyes, your ears and your mind. You will receive divine vision to see exactly where your blessings are, divine hearing to hear the exact instructions that will release all the desires of your heart, and divine understanding to always be at the right place at the right time. (see Isaiah 6:10).

Oh good. Just what I've always wanted. Schizophrenia in powder form.

When this powerful anointing is released upon you, you'll enjoy 40 days of supernatural windfalls. 40 days of healing in your life and family and 40 days of blessings that will astonish you.

I'd just like to go 40 days without getting a letter from Peter Popoff.

As I said, I am so sure you'll say "YES" to my invitation for happiness and victory that, without waiting for your explicit agreement, I have already started working in the Spirit realm for you. I have interceded before God, bound hindering forces that have come against you, prepared these Holy Divinely Anointed and charged COALS and inquired of the Lord concerning the precise steps we need to take to release the blessings you need.

Is it just me, or did those coals get a field promotion mid-letter?

And, really, if he can do all this without my permission, why doesn't he just 'intercede before god' and get the rest of the shit done, too. He's obviously Mr. All Powerful....

['Handwriting']---I SPARED NO EFFORT OR EXPENSE TO PROTECT AND DELIVER THEM SAFELY TO YOU!

Yeah. A whole 17 cents. Wow. That's sparing no expense right there.

['Blue Ink' line, left of paragraph] As I was making these preparations, I experienced a most unusual supernatural visitation that has changed me with the most awesome anointing I have ever experienced in over 30 years of ministry!

Even more unusual than the angel with the baggie? How many times a day do you have this amazing, 'not in thirty years of ministry' vision, anyway....

I am telling you, this power is amazing! This same anointing and same power has saturated these HOLY DIVINELY ANOINTED COALS so completely that I know... as you use them a miracle transformation is going to take place in your life. I warn you... These HOLY DIVINELY ANOINTED COALS are charged with awesome Holy Ghost power... handle them only with care and prayer.

Holy Ghost Power. Wow. Will they explode if I drop them?

['Handwriting']BY THE END OF THIS LETTER GOD WILL USE THESE ANOINTED COALS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

But you said not to let anyone else touch them....

So, February 14th will begin an extremely anointed and productive period for you that you must not let pass you by under any circumstances. I feel the Holy Spirit has also been working in your life, preparing you for this move of God. Now don't close up and miss what God has for you.

Oh. I guess that explains why I've been so lazy. Since I didn't listen to the letter, the exact opposite happens. Or something.

I feel impressed by the Holy Spirit that the next 72 hours will be a particularly critical time for you. As you release your faith now, major changes can begin for you almost immediately. You can see almost instant change for the better in your own life and in the lives of your loved ones if you'll move bodly in faith right now.

The next 72 hours, which weren't anywhere near February 14th when I got this letter.

Oops. I made a typo when I was copying this. 'and in the lives of your loved ones' was typed as 'and in the liver of your loved ones'.

It's NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR... Paul said in I Cor. 13:12... "we see through a glass darkly..." If you would answer these questions, it would help me tremendously...and would help clear things up.

You can see that all these things are going to happen, you can see...lots of things, but you can't figure out exactly what's wrong.

I thought this was going to be full of personal, private information. I didn't realise that I was going to have to put it all in myself....

['Handwriting'] please go on to page 3 --->

Page 3:

['Handwriting'] PLEASE TALK TO ME... --3--

IS SOMEONE TAKING MEDICATION? [ ] YES [ ] NO

I'm sure that someone, somewhere is taking medication right now.

IS THIS YOU? [ ] YES

Maybe. What do you mean by 'medication'? I've got a whole bunch of stuff here. Most of it you can find in the painkiller aisle of your local grocery store.

If not, please print the first name only of the person I'm talking about here: [blank line] and their relationship to you:
[ ] COMPANION [ ] SON [ ] DAUGHTER [ ] MOTHER [ ] FATHER [ ] OTHER [blank line]

I don't know the names of everyone taking medication at this time. Sorry.
Oh, and: [x] OTHER Likely fellow humans, though many other animals that may be distantly related to me in some evolutionary sense may also be taking medication.

It seems that you've received some information or news that has made your heart heavy. Please exlpain this to me here:
[three blank lines]

I haven't weighed my heart. I don't know if it's heavier than before, and I don't recall any news that made it feel heavier. I can't just...y'know, take it out for myself.

[Insert Name], I sense a SPIRIT OF INFIRMITY that has attacked you causing you to LOSE SLEEP. Please explain what type of infirmity it is here: [three blank lines]

...obviously, that infirmity would be INSOMNIA, you twit, if it's causing me to LOSE SLEEP. Not that I'm losing sleep. I keep an eye on my sleep, and make sure it's always where I left it....

*THIS IS IMPORTANT... Have you noticed how money problems seem to cause more stress than any other problems? God has anointed me with a special ANOINTING for INCREASE that will absolutely overwhelm the devourer... but you must first tell me:

Yeah. I've noticed that money problems cause so much more stress than, say, losing my arm. Wow. You're good.

Is there a major debt that satan constantly uses to discourage you and get you down [ ] YES [ ] NO

Satan's a collection agent?

Are you struggling to keep up with your payments? [ ] YES [ ] NO

My payments run really fast. I don't even bother trying.

I see that your HARD TIMES ARE AMOST OVER, [Insert Name]! PLease know that I understand that you have endured many struggles. I am going to ask you to keep up your courage a little longer, because much better things are in sight for you, even as I write this letter.

...what? Better things? Does this mean no more letters?

*As I was taking these Holy Divinely Anointed Coals from the Golden Altar for you and listening to God's instructions, I saw in the vision a dove flying overhead with an olive leaf in its mouth, signifying that your storm is about to come to an end!

I thought that the dove with the olive...branch, wasn't it?...was all about there being land again, and not the storm being over....

*I saw your guardian angel align perfectly over your home in [Insert Address]. This will positively influence and impact your circumstances for the entire 40 days I've mentioned.

Alignment? Is my home and my guardian angel also in line with my, um, power planet? Fuck, I don't get astrology.

These are just two of the most significant SIGNS that foreshadow your upcoming blessings, success, and VICTORY!

Or, maybe they foreshadow an invasion by aliens that are easily defeated by the atmospheric moisture....

GOD SHOWED ME THAT YOU WERE A SPIRITUAL PERSON AND VERY RECEPTIVE UNTO HIM.

HA!

In spite of your spirituality, I saw darkness around you.

That'd be my Guardian Goth. The miasma of darkness and sorrow keeps nasty things like light and smiley faces away from me.

This darkness has been attracting disappointment to you.

...in the form of these letters.

This darkness needs to be driven away.

Yeah, well, you do it. The Guardian Goth can't drive, and it never has any gas money.

I have already started doing that for you through my prayers.

You drive by prayer? Is that why you never signal a turn or lane change?

I saw in the vision... when I placed these HOLY ANOINTED COALS from my GOLDEN ALTAR in your hands... and told you what to do, a powerful deliverance came. Your spiritual powers immediately became very strong and you were surrounded and protected by a magnificent whtie light (the Glory of God)

That sounds painful. Worse, it sounds like one of those Obrit gum commercials. Why can't I have explosions instead of light? Then I could go around making people dressed as onions explode.

['Handwriting'] -- OVER --

Page 4:

-- 4 --

Partner [Insert Name], as I said, I concentrated on your name, and through the eyes of the Spirit began to see your situation. The vision was like a picture taken from afar, somewhat fuzzy and in slow motion. Then I began to see you in the mist. I saw you walking in a fog. You were looking for a road you couldn't find. You were waiting for someone who didn't come. It was as if you were completely alone. Your calls for help weren't answered.

Pictures taken from a distance are fuzzy and in slow motion, just because they're taken from a distance?

then, suddenly, I saw you going in a different direction. However, I sw this wasn't the right road or path to take. I knew it wasn't the right direction. But what could I do to warn you? It was at that moment that I felt very strongly that I could no longer just watch passively, I had to do something about your situation. There was no more time to lose. I felt that I had to ACT quickly to prevent you from taking the wrong path.

...but the vision was blurry, and in slow motion, and from afar, and stuff. But I can see lots of stuff that I shouldn't be able to see.

You must finally seize your divine destiny and divine inheritance (and yes, it is even greater than you can comprehend or understand at this point). I believe God has sent me to you to help you.

You're right. God wants you to help me fight the war against the evil environmentalists.

['Handwriting'] NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU FEEL ALONE.

But...I like feeling alone.

['Blue ink' line, lefthand side of paragraph] *[Insert Name], you must finally have meaningful relationships with those you can trust (and stop dealing with those whom you cannot, without further hesitation).

Because I'm just all about the meaningful relationships with people in general....

You must start off 2006 in the right direction. It's not too late. With God, all things are possible. I knwo that for a fact.

Up? Down? Left? Right? Or maybe it's sorta...a funny direction...I don't know.

Of course, if you remain so full of uncertainty, so full of distress, you will push farther along the wrong path and run the risk of not being able to retrace your steps and find the right path.

Because there's no turning back at some point, and God will reject you when you take that last step and end up in Queertown, or something....

I know you've moved in the wrong direction before and during the past years, particularly, you've encountered failure. A lot has been damaged already. You have, in fact, experienced a succession of negative events. It's as though you have been drawn deeper and deeper into an agonizing puzzle and it has been impossible to find a way out. The harder you searched for it, the more it evaded you!

Puzzle? Where? I like puzzles....

*Yet, I can tell you, [Insert Name], you can emerge from this maze. I know you can! I'm so convinced, I'd like to propose that we find the way out together.

Oh. Maze. Boring.

Maze with help. Even worse.

Of course, you've made some mistakes. I saw them and you know them yourself.

Again, I start to wonder if maybe Peter Popoff thinks that he's God, or something. This guy is just way nutty.

Then again, "I've seen your mistakes, but could you tell me if it's you or someone you love that's taking medication?"

There's no reason to dwell on them. I also saw what happened when you were younger. Some of your capacities didn't have a chance to develop fully. You lacked strength and support. Life can be difficult when you are inexperienced and lack support.

Wow. Cold-reading through a letter. I wonder what this thing was that happened when I was younger that made it so I couldn't 'develop' 'certain capacities' 'fully'.

You doubt your future. Sometimes you just lack a decisive spirit. Your repeated failures often cause you to hesitate... much too often! You have difficulty facing life and imposing yourself on others, but God has placed within you what it takes to succeed.

God wants me to impose myself on others? Okay....

From today onward, you won't stand alone as you face this assault... you won't be isolated; you and I are partners now. God has put it in my spirit to help you discover supernaturally and recover your blessed life and destroy satan's hinderances.

Partners NOW? Just NOW? You've been calling me 'partner' all along.

And, um, satan's hinderances? What?

[Two checkmarks].This new period of BLESSINGS will be bountiful!! (I can already feel it vibrating very deeply in me!).

Ew.

Ewwww.

This new 40 day period of blessings is going to begin for you at the very beginning of February 14th 2006 and will reach its peak, exactly forty days later, on March 24th. (This is the second very important date in your life...)

Let's see... 14 days left in February, plus 24 is...38?

Math.

['Handwriting']go on to P. 5 -->

Page 5:

-- 5 --

After that, you'll continue to see tremendous blessings, joy and divine guidance in your life and affairs through the end of 2006! God has chosen to bless you. I believe you'll learn to recognize God's miracles by this time and learn how to grab onto them and never let them go. This year is your year of restoration and revival!

You have to grab onto miracles, or you'll lose them, because God's just mean like that.

*Now for a secret, [Insert Name]

Oooo. A SECRET!

You have great God-given potential and certain amazing "gifts". You could have succeeded in several areas. I feel that someone has stopped you from expressing yourself. It's now time to reassert yourself and take the offensive. I speak like this because I want you to act. YOU MUST ACT, [INSERT NAME]! If you do, you'll be able to appraoch all of 2006 with a new, powerful and confident attitude.

Amazing gifts? You mean like my astounding ability to never, ever do anything? That's some gift there. And yes, people do keep making me do things instead of letting me express myself through my utter laziness. Finally, you're right!

I can tell you something very positive will knock on your door during the time period I've indicated. I believe God will use me to tell you how to seize this golden opportunity.

SomeTHING will KNOCK ON MY DOOR? I'm not answering....

However, before you can "reap this great harvest," you must absolutely eliminate all of the negative energy that's attached itself to you. You must triumph over all the obstacles that are paralyzing you and trying to make you fall... and with God's help, believe me, you can do it.

With God's help, I can overcome what's trying to make me fall. With God's help, I can overcome GRAVITY!

*[Insert Name], we must act now! I believe February 14th, 2006 will mark the beginning of 40 days of miraculous blessings for you. The next 72 hours will be crucial for you and others who are close to you. Don't forget it.

How long, exactly, are those 72 hours, because we've already figured out that your 40 days aren't....

[Double blue lines, lefthand side] I've obeyed god and taken these Isaiah 6:6 HOLY ANOINTED COALS from my Golden Altar of Prayer and given them to you. In Jesus' Name, first place this little packet of HOLY COALS on your lips and say, "I will speak the Words of God." Then place it on both of your ears and say, "I will hear the voice of God and foll ow His direction." Third, hold it against your forehead and say, "I will think the thoughts of God." Then, lastly, wear it on your body TONIGHT ONLY... leave them inside the bag... do not open the bag. After they have been on your body TONIGHT ONLY... CHECK YOUR HEALING NEEDS BELOW:

I will not wear the black schizophrenia powder. It might void the warranty on my waterbed....

[ ] Back [ ] Legs [ ] Head [ ] Stomach [ ] Arms [ ] Feet [ ] Hands [ ] Eyes [ ] Ears [ ] Hip [ ] Knee [ ] Neck [ ] Explain these and other healings you need:
[Three blank lines]

...just send painkillers. Or something. Anything but more letters.

Now, RETURN THE ISAIAH 6:6 HOLY ANOINTED COALS to me. God is leading me to use them as a powerful contact point to release our faith in agreement, as I minister to you during a SPECIAL TIME OF PRAYER AND FASTING. ['Handwriting'] FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS TO RELEASE THIS POWER.

I'm not sending them back. I'll probably get busted by the postal service for trying to send something bad through the mail.

[Two 'Blue ink' lines, left] *now, there is one more thing I must ask you to do: In this vision, I saw the end of your financial troubles as you PROVED GOD. Do you believe as I do that right now God can start a MANYFOLD blessing in your life? That god is going to bless you in a greater way than ever before? I believe that the Windows of HEaven are going to open upon your life.

Yeah, I bet. If I proved god, I'd be rich....

['Handwriting'] --OVER--

Page 6:

-- 6 --

Partner [Insert Name], in Jesus' Name, thank Him with your offering. I feel led to ask you, [Insert Name], to PROVE GOD with a $27.00 offering. If you believe that God is a God of double portion blessing, I ask you to sow a DOUBLE PORTION SEED of $54.00 in honor of Isaiah 6:6-10

Ah, here we go. The begging.

*I feel this word...

What's it feel like? Is it squishy?

FOR YEA, MY CHILD, THIS SHALL BE A NEW BLEGINNING; BEHOLD, I WILL DO A NEW THING, AND THE REST OF THIS YEAR SHALL BRING GREAT REWARDS AND BLESSINGS INTO THY LIFE. BE NOT AFRAID TO LET GO OF WHAT I HAVE BLESSED THEE WITH... FOR THIS IS THE SEED THAT I SHALL PRESS DOWN, SHAKE TOGETHER AND CAUSE TO RUN OVER, AS I RETURN IT TO THEE MANYFOLD... PROVE ME NOW AND SEE MY POWER WORK FOR THEE..." SAITH GOD.

FOR YEA, MY CHILD...THIS IS THE CAPSLOCK KEY THAT I SHALL PRESS DOWN, AND CAUSE TO NEVER BE TURNED OFF AGAIN.

Praise god, get in a hurry; RETURN THIS PAGE TO ME WITH THE COALS... AND [ ] CHECK HERE to let me know you have obeyed God's instructions. Get this entire letter back to me well before the 14th of February so I can go to work for you!

...no. Not even if you pay for return postage -- which, this time, you did. And you also had 'Prophet -- I'm ANSWERING WITHIN 72 HOURS!' printed on it.

Love to you,
[Signature]

Go away.

P.S. God just spoke to me, saying that if you will obey God with a DOUBLE PORTION PROVE GOD OFFERING OF $54.00 BY FAITH, WE CAN CLAIM A 1000-FOLD RETURN! See Isaiah 1:19.

Yeah, I bet. Just keep on upping those promises even more than you up those damned 'gifts'. Is that how you get people? You convince them that the more they give you, the more they're magically going to get -- but only after they've given enough and obeyed enough and believed enough?

['Handwriting]I really believe you shall experience Joy and FULFILLMENT as never before. But, there is no time to waste. I must start right away. So much work to do and your future VICTORY and HAPPINESS hangs in the balance...

And if I don't, then I shall never have VICTORY or HAPPINESS. I might have victory and happiness, but never VICTORY and HAPPINESS.

Whatever shall I do. I missed the deadline.

Now get the ANOINTED COALS back to me after you have faithfully followed all of my instructions. When you do this, INSTANTLY thereafter, your prayers will move freely and be answered... immediately.

...unless you didn't believe enough when you followed those instructions. Then you're just screwed. Send more money!

We went after the . CoJ got hers first, and mine came today.

I was just thrilled when I saw the big padded envelope [hidden inside a Victoria's Secret Swimwear catalogue -- which I didn't get a shot of, because I couldn't find my camera in time]

I opened it up only to discover that my return envelope is all fucked on one side.

I mean, really kinda fucked, see?

I guess that's okay. He requires return postage, the cheap bastard....

There's Benny Hinn. Oddly, he's not wearing the White Suit. I guess the dark looks better in stills, or something.

And here's the other side of that card, asking me for money.

And here's the little silver-plated pin by itself. It's been in the last two pictures, too. I only got one.

This time.

CoJ, on the other hand, got twenty of the fuckers. And the Free Manna CD.

I went ahead and tried to get twenty of the gold ones. I'll let you know how that works out -- and there will probably be another picture or two from CoJ as well....

I just got another letter from Peter Popoff today, putting me two and a half letters behind. Time to play catch-up.

So, here we are at the second letter....

Second Letter:

It's a short one. I've just been lazy.

Second letter again:

The second letter came with some weird shit. At least the backs of these pages were blank, though....

Second Letter:

ARE YOU READY TO RECEIVE THIS "2ND TOUCH OF GOD'S HAND??

Is this God's Hand? I thought it'd be...bigger.

ARE YOU READY TO ENTER "THE SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S SUPERNATURAL BLESSING???"

YES! I AM READY TO JOIN YOUR CULT! PLEASE REVEAL ALL THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE! IS ELVIS REALLY DEAD? ARE ALIENS REAL? WHY DON'T WE USE THE METRIC SYSTEM?!

[Insert Name] you can't out give God, LK 6:38

The verse: "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again."

I guess this might be a context issue but...where do you get that? I don't see anything about more giving or less, just...equalness in getting what you give. Or something.

God can't make junk, II Cor. 2:14,

...no matter what version of the bible I look in, I can't figure out how the fuck he got 'god can't make junk' from II Cor. 2:14.

God can't be fooled Heb. 4:12,

...again, I'm not sure how he got that. The verse seems to be about the word of God, not the wits of God.

God can't forsake you Heb. 13:5,

...again, I think there might be a context issue. At least this time the verse actually has something like that in it, though....

And yes, I've given up on copypasting the verses in. I just don't care. If you believe this guy and think I'm just a horrible person for not sending him money, that's really not my problem. But, hey, if you've got money to send, there's a paypal link over there....

God can't leave you Gen. 28:15,

...well, at least not until he's 'done that which he has spoken of'....

God can't lie Heb. 6:18

God can't lie...why? Because God says so? And are we to believe him? Seems like a funny limitation...some all-powerful being....

God can't fail Deut. 31:6,

It says 'will not fail', not can not fail. And it seems to me that God has failed a number of times....

God can't take NO for an answer Jonah 1:17,

...and we somehow get that from the line 'And God made a fish swallow a person'. Oh-kay....

God can't let our prayers go unanswered. II Chron. 7:14,

By 'our' you mean his people called by his name. Or something. Whatever. You're a dishonest little shithead. But you knew that already....

GOD CAN'T MOVE WITHOUT HONORING YOUR FAITH.

God kinda sucks then, doesn't he?

WHEN GOD'S HAND touches you all evil will be expelled and Miracles will RESULT!

...are you sure he can do that? I mean, with all that shit you just listed that he can't do....

[Insert Name], God says in Deut. 28. "The Lord shall command His blessings on thee, your enemies will flee, you'll be blessed and set on HIGH, the fruit of your ground, body and field will be blessed. ALL YOU SET YOUR HAND TO, all the WORK of your hands shall be blessed. You shall LEND and not borrow, be the HEAD and not the tail, ABOVE and not beneath... IF... you will hearken THIS DAY TO THE LORD THY GOD."

Well, at least you almost got a whole bible quote in here. Almost.

God has instructed me to enclose this Hand of God prayer cloth...You must return it to me with your needs written in the palm of the hand...

Okay.

then take the enclosed packet of Holy Oil and completely cover your hand and place your HAND upon the HAND OF GOD...

This would be the 'enclosed packet of Holy Oil', which looks suspiciously like...cooking oil.

It says "Peter Popoff's Holy Land Anointing Oil"

leaving the oil print over the needs you have written.

Because they're not really needs until they're GREASY NEEDS.

THEN RETURN IT TO ME as soon as possible along with this page.

I don't even know where this letter is anymore....

Before you return it...LAY YOUR SEED GIFT OF $15.00 in the PALM of the HAND OF GOD...saying "I CONFESS BODLY, GOD'S PLAN IS TO PROSPER ME, ELEVATE ME, AND CAUSE HIS FAVOR TO SHINE UPON ME, AS I FOLLOW GOD'S PLAN TODAY, ALL THAT MY HANDS TOUCH WILL BE BLESSED, AND FAVORED OF GOD, THIS SEED DETERMINES MY GREAT HARVEST THAT GOD WILL RELEASE TO ME."

So, now the money's all greasy....

[Insert Name], take the BIBLE PAGE with the HAND traced upon it and place it in your BIBLE in the exact place where the verses I have circled is.. WHEN I ANSWER YOU, I'LL RETURN THE HAND OF GOD...but...when it arrives there will be some STEPS OF FAITH for you to follow to ACTIVATE the Release of the Deut. 28 blessings and steps that will move you into "GOD'S SECRET CIRCLE OF SUPERNATURAL BLESSING"

And the bible's all greasy....

[centered on page][insert name], THE KEY IS YOU MUST PLANT WHAT YOU EXPECT TO HARVEST!

I've gotta put all this greasy shit in the garden now?

In this 12th month, obey God's "LAW OF THE HARVEST". The law says "YOU MUST PLANT WHAT YOU EXPECT TO HARVEST" (Gen. 1:12). If you give a little you will get a little...but if you plant much you will reap much. II Cor. 9:6

...so, I have to do it next December? Because it's January. We covered that, I think....

GOD HAS GIVEN ME 3 FAITH CONTACT GIFTS TO RETURN TO YOU... God told me to send you 3 sticks of gum...1. For a loved one who needs salvation (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) 2. A 2nd stick of gum for a loved one who needs healing (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) 3. A 3rd stick of gum for you to use that will involve a money transaction. (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) Don't underestimate what God is going to do...!

There was no gum in this letter. Just, y'know, stating the obvious. And the next two letters I got didn't have gum, either.

I suppose I didn't deserve to get the gum if I didn't send money. Must be some damned special gum.

I'm disappointed, really. I was hoping to get some gum from Peter Popoff, just so I could see if it was the same sort of gum they put in baseball cards. And I was really interested in seeing what sort of 'special instructions' he'd have for me regarding gum and money transactions....

[Insert Name], below please check the amount you are led by god to sow, Prophet Popoff, God is leading me to sow: ( ) $15.00 ( )$10.00 Prophet Popoff, I have followed your instructions and I am returning this page and the HAND OF GOD that I have placed my oil anointed hand upon...covering my needs that I have written out.

(x) -$500.00

Yeah. That's what God's leading me to sow. Now where is it....

SIGN HERE:

Hand Page:

[There is a big, but childish-looking hand outline drawn over most of the page]
I Peter 5:6
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time

Deuteronomy
Chapter 28
Blessings for Obedience
1 If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. 2 All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God:
3 You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.
4 The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock - the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.
5 Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.
6 You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.
7 The Lord will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.
[Circled Verse]8 The Lord will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The Lord your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.
9 The Lord will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the Lord your God and walk in his ways.
10 Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they will fear you.
11 The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity-in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.
[Circled verse]12 The Lord will open the heavesn, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none.
13 The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.
14 Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

[Handwritten at a slant across the page] [Insert Full Name]
God wants to exalt you!

And what the fuck was the point of this waste of paper, anyway?

Great. My cable just...froze on me, or something. Where'd I put that Miracle Healing Water.....

E-Newsletter Signup - Benny Hinn Ministries

Initial Envelope:

...the envelope says:

*Money tied up will be released!
*A rare opportunity is inside
*Your storm is almost over and the sun will shine again!
*Expect a new storm of money, harmony and love!
OPEN BY NAME BELOW ONLY!!!

I don't know why I didn't expect it, but I was awfully...upset by what I found when I opened it.

First Letter:

Yes. AGAIN. Popoff AGAIN. Two letters in one week. Very nearly two letters in two days.

First letter page 1:

This letter is on those damned long pages -- the ones I have to patch together after I scan them. It's annoying.

Second and mailback envelopes:

This time, his envelope doesn't beg me to use a stamp. It just...makes me use a stamp. I must've run him broke with those five pennies, or something.

I'm going to do this a little out of order this time. There are more pictures, but they might serve better within my reply to the letters....

First Letter:

Page 1:

[Blue 'ink' box around paragraph]
[Insert Name], miracles are happening so fast I can't keep up with them... But your miracle is about to be complete... and I can say just as God told me! [Insert Name], YOU ARE JUST 2 FAITH STEPS AWAY FROM YOUR MIRACLE FOR SPECIAL HELP WITH SOME MONEY PROBLEMS YOU ARE FACING!

Two more steps? After the five steps with the coins, and the one step with the foot anointing and...what the hell do you think you're doing? Testing to see how many of these it will take before I'll actually do something, or is this something you do with all your victims?

*Dearest Partner [Insert Name], I have toured the nation and the world bringing the Gospel of healing, prosperity and miracle blessings to millions...

These millions you speak of...are they actual people, or are you thinking of the money you've gotten out of people....

NOW... God has sent me as His Prophet into your life today.

So this is all about you being told what to do by god, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I filled out a form on your website? Is this supposed to explain why you keep saying I called you?

OPEN YOUR HEART, USE YOUR FAITH, and OBEY GOD because God's favor is about to rain down upon your entire life.

...but not before I obey you, right? Blessings only come to those who obey Peter Popoff.

What if Donald Trump, Evander Holyfield, or someone you knew was a millionaire said, "Please sit down, I want to tell you how to build a MILLION DOLLAR BANK ACCOUNT." Would you sit down and take them seriously? Of course you would.

Actually, I'd wonder what the fucking scam was, because I see shit like that in my inbox just about every day.

SO, [Insert Name], because I have helped millions of people just like you receive a transforming, life changing OPPORTUNITY... I ask you for the next few minutes to take the phone off the hook, go to a quiet place where you can be alone and not bothered as you read on...

I'm not sure if I can read this without being bothered. It might be impossible to both read this and not be bothered....

The FIRST thing I want to get into your spirit is this... "ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEM THAT BELIEVE". You can build your life and your dreams on that... It's God's Word and He just can't lie. Get that in your spirit... believe it, it's the
one truth you can depend on in this world.

Somehow, this sentence just fails to inspire any sort of faith in me. It might have a lot to do with the fact that I've become convinced that Peter Popoff thinks he's god, and the guy's record for being less than honest....

[Blue 'ink' double line down the side of this paragraph]
*This letter actually began just a few days ago...

I'm sure it started more than a few days ago. I'm sure this letter was written quite a while ago, and just sits around until someone's name shows up to be put into it.

Let me explain...

There's nothing I can do to prevent that...even though I'm fairly certain you won't actually explain anything.

I sent you a special letter after you called...

I didn't call.

as soon as that letter was in the mail to you...

Oh, wow, are you talking about this letter? It takes you a really long time to send out your form letters, if you're talking about that one, because an entirely different letter showed up between then and now....

GOD SHOWED ME A VISION...

This should be good.

It seemed I was sitting in your front room there at [insert address].

My front room? Do I even have a front room? I'm pretty sure I don't, unless you count that little landing in front of the doors, where the stairs happen.

I don't sit there, though. There's nowhere to sit....

I was holding your hand praying for you...

Your form letters are getting kinda stalker-creepy.

THE HOLY SPIRIT began to speak Words of Wisdom through me... I said under a great anointing ..."I KNOW WHY YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION HAS NOT IMPROVED."

...lemme guess. It's because I haven't played your little letter-water-oil-penny game, right?

Then I saw it... more clearly... just like Daniel's answer was held up between Heaven and Earth... by satan. [INSERT NAME], YOUR ANSWER HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED... DELAYED, BUT NOT DENIED.

Satan steals mail.

Jesus has prayed for a blind man in St. Mark 8... He prayed for the blind man, and he saw men as trees... THEN JESUS GAVE HIM A... "SECOND TOUCH". This second touch brought the victory the man needed... it opened the windows of Heaven upon Him.

What am I supposed to learn from this? That Jesus can't get things right the first time?

GOD HAS SENT ME TO PRAYER BLESS YOU WITH A "SECOND TOUCH"... One that will expel Demonic Spirits, make them loose their holds, moving you into God's favor, opening the windows of Heaven's Blessings in a mighty way...! [Handwriting] I AM A SPIRITUAL WARRIOR ACTING ON GOD'S DIRECTION ON YOUR BEHALF!

...but only if I follow the instructions exactly, right? I wonder what he wants me to do this time.

Before I go any further I feel led to pray; "In the matchless Name of Jesus, I command the grip of all demonic forces to be broken, and by the time [Insert Name] finishes reading this letter and obeys you... there will be a "SECOND TOUCH" so awesome that no weapon formed against them will prosper, every arrow of satan will fall before [Insert Name], and every foul plan of satan for [Insert Name]'s life will be cancelled in the mighty Name of Jesus...Amen".

This letter is getting kinda boring.

[Handwriting]-----OVER-----

Page 2:

[Handwriting]--- 2 ---

[Blue 'ink' star] Please [Insert Name], let's take the next step in order to RECEIVE this "2nd TOUCH BLESSING". It's already the 12th month of the year... and YOU MUST NOW apply this "SUPERNATURAL LAW OF HARVEST INCREASE". Yes, it's true and found in II Cor. 9:10 (TLB) "A part of your HARVEST IS FOR SOWING AGAIN."

January is the 12th month now? Is this some sort of strange religious countdown thing?

If you will accept this opportunity from God here in December and act upon it in obedience to God... ALL PRAYERS FOR YOUR PROSPERITY CAN BE ANSWERED.

Oops. Guess not. You just...fucked up a bit, didn't you?

This [next two words circled] "2nd Touch" of God's hand on your life will bring you into the "SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S MIRACLE BLESSINGS." [Handwriting] NOW YOU MUST ACCEPT GOD'S PLAN!

Now there's a secret circle. And probably a secret handshake, and a special membership card you can't show anyone.

[Blue line down the lefthand side of next paragraph]
*The HOLY SPIRIT is revealing to me the rewards of this "2nd Touch"... "CALL unto me and I WILL ANSWER thee and SHEW THEE great and mighty THINGS, which thou KNOWEST NOT." Jer. 33.3. In Matthew 8 Jesus stretched forth HIS HAND and touched the leper and he was made whole. In the 15th verse Jesus took HIS HAND and touched a woman's hand and her fever departed and IMMEDIATELY she was so anointed she ministered to others... In Chapter 9:29 Jesus touched the blind mand with HIS HAND and he was healed. In Matt. 20:34 Jesus again placed HIS HAND upon the blind and they were healed.

I'm not even going to bother looking these up. I'm too bored with the repetitive 'God has to do things twice for it to work' thing....

The 2nd reward is... When [blue box around next two words] God's HAND touches you...Badtouchbadtouchbadtouch....

all evil will be expelled, bonds broken, and you will be empowered to enter this "SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S MIRACLE BLESSINGS".This is some sort of secret society thing, isn't it?You will be SET ON HIGH,

See?

It's pretty similar to Peter Popoff's stuff, though. Probably from the same packaging company. I think the show said this stuff comes from Ohio.

There's a secondary envelope [although, there's not much on it], and both envelopes showed up a little...water-damaged.

But...WOW! I got three packets of...whatever the hell this stuff is. I'm not sure -- I just saw it on The Word Network, and decided to see if I could get some through his website.

So, two made it through the mail in one piece.

This one just has a bit of humidity inside it, though.

I'm sure it's hard to tell, but they just say "Leroy Jenkins Miracle Water." I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it, because there was no gigantic RANDOM emphasis bullshit letter with it. Maybe I should rub some on my blog and see if it can keep more plugins from failing on me....

There wasn't anything else to this -- just two envelopes, and three little sex-lube packets of water.

Kinda a ripoff, as far as Televangelist mailouts go....