That's the page I get when I go to peterpopoff.org, which, I guess, redirects to peterpopoffministries.com. I don't really know for sure. I just wanted to share.

Please excuse the largeness, those of you on smaller resolutions.  I did crop it, but...it just needs to be full-sized, y'know?  Because it's funny.

THIS INTERESTING TO READ SUCH NEGATIVE REPORTS ABOUT PETER POPOFF! I WASN'T SURE EITHER, UNTIL I REALIZED THAT HE DOES READ MY REQUEST. HOW DID HE KNOW MY EX-HUSBAND'S NAME? OR THAT BOTH OF MY SON'S JONATHON AND ANDREW PLUS, THEIR FATHER, MARK HAVING MARAJUANA ADDICTION. THIS IS HOW I KNEW HE WAS ACTUAKKY READING MY LETTERS.
I DO TITHE TO HIM BECAUSE THE SPIRIT HAS PLACED IT UPON MY HEART TO DO SO.
I AM NOT DISREGARDING WHAT SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING, IT'S NOT MY EXPERIENCE WITH REV. POPOFF. I WAS SURPRISED THAT I WAS LED TO "SEND OFFERINGS", HOWEVER, GOD HAS OPENED UP THE WINDOWS OF HEAVEN AND POURED OUT MANY BLESSINGS." THANYOU, STEPHANIE MISASI

Posted to:

You are a stupid cow. I am sad that you've bred. I do not blame your husband and children for their attempts to escape you through whatever means necessary.

Yes, dummy, someone scanned that little message you managed to typo into the webform on his website. Did Peter Popoff do it himself? No. Did Peter Popoff write those letters himself? Not likely. They're templates. Your name, and the names and situations you've given them are inserted. The Great and Powerful Reverend doesn't even know if the $200. he spent on that informercial slot came from you or the other five hundred letters his processing facility sent out three Fridays ago.

May the spirit place it upon you to get yourself spayed and be a witness somewhere without electricity or people who understand English, so that you'll never inflict yourself on anyone you can actually harm.

It came in a brownish paper envelope. Kinda like those old paper bags you can still get at the grocery store if you ask?

...and it's a pretty short and simple one, too. Good.

It came with a prepaid return envelope. Also good.

Oh, and a mystery envelope that I'm not allowed to open until I'm done reading the letter. Ooh.

So I opened it a few days later....

No goodies, but there was this card that happened to be in there upside down.

Page 1

THE MINISTRY OF GOD'S PROPHET PETER POPOFF

March 1, 2006

Dear Partner [Insert Name],

The situation is desperate and we have little time. I am writing you in this extremely urgent matter. If you are reading this letter, the immediate crisis will be averted. Pay close attention, because it could be a matter of life or death for someone you love.

That's nice. Since I got the letter, the 'bad thing' isn't going to happen. Since, y'know, it wasn't going to happen anyway. But someone might still die, even though the badness isn't there anymore. Or something.

Does this qualify as nuttier than the crazy black powder letter?

Here's why: My visions are so accurate.

Huh-what? You mean like that vague and fuzzy one about me and the fog. Or that one about my front room?

I recently witnessed in a vision a horrible attack from the very pits of hell. I was afraid that it was against someone close to you. Furthermore, I saw that you, too were suffering from a constant satanic onslaught. I promise you, this will not stop.

Wow. Two attacks in one vision. Your so-accurate yet so horribly vague visions.

Come on, someone close to me? What sort of close? Close like sitting next to me? Close like a neighbour, or on the same block? Close like immediate family, or friends?

We know there is a lot of trouble in your life, so here is what needs to be done now. There are two separate, horrible problems. Both could turn into tragedies in the next few weeks if action is not taken. I have already placed a powerful prayer covering over you and your loved ones.

Now it's loved ones, not 'close to me'. I guess that's almost clearer.

I wonder what these 'two seperate, horrible problems' are.

I've enclosed a gift for you that will literally stop satan in his tracks: a powerful prayer given to me by the Holy Spirit. It will cast a circle of miracle protection around you and your loved ones for 7 days. You must speak the words of this prayer out loud. I have done this for you. The rest is up to you.

If I must speak the words out loud, how have you done that for me?

Please, please do this or else!

Yeah! Or else!

Open the envelope with the prayer enclosed after reading this letter. Say the prayer out loud 7 times. Do this again tomorrow, then destroy the paper I recorded it on. Do this and a circle of divine protection will surround you and your loved ones. If you do not do this, I fear the worst.

I thought the prayer was so powerful that it would stop satan...but you want me to destroy it? I'm shocked. I was expecting you to tell me to tape it to my door, or something.

I feel so close to you in the spirit. I feel your hurts and your pain.

...what's the difference between 'hurts' and 'pain'?

Also: I really wish he did.

The next 90 days are crucial for your happiness. Right now you are standing at a crossroads. Take the right road and happiness will be yours. Your life is in the balance.

--OVER--

90 days now. Just keep pushing it out.

And, hey, we're back at the whole road thing from the last letter. Sorta.

Page 2

--2--

I assure you that if you take action, you will see your dreams become realities. I say to you with the boldest faith I know: Miracles are at hand for you if we take appropriate action now.

Yeah, if you take action something will probably happen. If, however, you sit around saying prayers seven times in a row, you're probably not going to get anything out of it.

Except, maybe, another letter.

1. I see both of your most serious concerns being resolved by God's miracles within this 90 day period.

Yeah, that's great. What were those concerns again? I mean, I gotta watch for them, right?

['Handwriting'] I'VE SEEN IT WITH PERFECT CLARITY.

However, I've written it in generic terms so that it fits with whoever happens to be reading this form letter.

2. I see your financial concerns being elimintated because of 5 miraculous and completely unexpected grants of prosperity. Each by the hand of God!

So, what gets us money? I think I covered that before...someone dies, there's a car accident that's the other person's fault...anything else?

As we agree together, within hours, the miracles I speak of will begin. Put me to this simple test if you have any doubts whatsoever.

It's already been hours. I haven't noticed any difference in anything.

I am entering into a very special period of fasting and prayer in obedience unto the leading of the Holy Spirit. Thousands across North America and the world have been led to fast at this very crucial time, also. This is a divine directive. All I am doing is asking you to agree with me for the next 90 days. You will see protection, victory, health, prosperity. I won't fail you. I am certain of your victory, if you will only agree with me. That is why I am contacting you in such a dramatic fashion. There isn't a minute to waste.

Yeah. This dramatic fashion. By letter, as usual. What would be dramatic is if you called me, even though you don't know my number....

Wait, I don't have to fast, do I? Because I'm not gonna....

['Handwriting'] YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT I AM INTERVENING ON YOUR BEHALF!

Do I really have a choice?

Everything will be different. You will never again be in want. Never again be lonely or without that which you desire because our faith will be united.

...something about this sounds a little bit like that time, years ago, when this Muslim guy tried to convince me that if I'd just convert, he'd send me all sorts of money....

Please do this now: Fill out the enclosed prayer sheet. You must send me two of your most personal prayer requests: one for yourself, and one request for the loved one who is most on your heart. Trust me now, because I know exactly what I am doing.

...you're trying to see if it's all the money requests that made me not respond, right?

Please do not forget to say the prayer I sent you: Seven times today and tomorrow. Then destroy it. Tragedy will be averted just as I promised.

Or it won't. Or it won't happen even if you don't say the prayer. Who knows.

Hurry now. Return your two prayer requests right away on the enclosed prayer page. Do it now. There isn't a minute to waste.

If there's not a minute to waste, then why a two page letter? Why not just "OMGSHIT UR IN TROUBLE DO THIS!" and be done with it?

Blessings.
Love, your prophet
Peter Popoff.

...mmmno.

Prayer Page

PRAYER PAGE

You must simply act this very moment and get your TWO PRAYER REQUESTS back to me for my special time of fasting and prayer. Let me pray for you. Please send me two and ['red ink' box around next three words] only two requests: Your most urgent need and the need of a loved one who is most on your heart.

Do it. Do it now. I don't care if the post office is closed. Get it to me RIGHT NOW!

Bro. Popoff, here is my most urgent request: [Bunch of blank lines]

This always happens. I can never come up with the 'things I want for giftmas' lists, either.

Here is the need of my loved one:
Their relationship to me (check) ( ) son ( ) daughter ( ) husband ( ) wife ( )mother ( )father ( ) close friend ( ) other [blank].

Let's see....

How 'bout (x) other? 'not so close friend'

Their needs: [bunch of blank lines]

Well, my friend...kinda needs for the stars to be right....

Anyone else got any needs for Brother Partner Prophet Peter Popoff?

Now, hurry, please. The time has come. Your rewards await. RUSH THIS SHEET BACK TO ME. SEND NO MONEY.

You will be billed later.

['Handwriting'] *I feel very drawn to you so I won't ask for any money for this.

Good. You ain't gettin' any.

Wait a minute...drawn to me? Is this going to turn into some strange sort of form-letter stalking?

The Envelope

[All in 'handwriting']DO NOT OPEN UNTIL READING LETTER ENTIRELY. THEN OPEN THIS AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS IMMEDIATELY!!!

I ask, PLEASE DO THIS

Front of the Card
Back of the Card

Follow These Instructions From God's Prophet Peter Popoff

[All in 'handwriting']Follow THESE INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY! RECITE THE PRAYER ON THE BACK OF THIS PAPER ALOUD 7 TIMES TODAY. I SUGGEST YOU DO IT NOW. REPEAT THE PRAYER AGAIN ALOUD 7 TIMES TOMORROW AS WELL. THEN DESTROY THIS PAPER. TEAR IT UP OR BURN IT.

I'm still not sure what the whole 'destroy this paper' thing is all about....

PRAYER:
Heavenly Father, I Jesus' name I come to you in agreement with the PROPHET YOU have sent to me: I ask you to bind every hindering force that would come against me or my house. Let your power and anointing rest upon me. In Jesus name, I pray. AMEN.

SAY THIS SEVEN TIMES

That's not a typo. They actually forgot the 'n' in 'In'.

New letter.

Six fucking pages. The long kind. When I opened it, I didn't know what that little packet was. So I actually had to read the letter.

Page 1

['Blue Ink Box' around paragraph] As I entered a special time of prayer yesterday, your name appeared in my mind.

Is 'special prayer time' before or after 'Jello time' in your Special Home?

I concentrated on your name and began to realize that God was showing me your situation in a striking vision.

Did the vision actually involve you being struck, because I kinda like that idea....

What I saw were some of the most awesome revelations that directly concerned you and your loved ones. I want to share these special revelations with you.

Wow. I'm so...special. His visions of me are 'most awesome'.

['Handwriting' off to the right] WARNING: This extremely personal letter contains family and financial secrets that MUST NOT fall into the wrong hands. READ IN PRIVATE.

I did. There's nothing at all personal in this letter. There's a whole bunch of blanks where I'm supposed to write in personal information...but...nothing else.

*Dear Partner [Insert Name],

I still think that if I'm a partner, I should be getting a cut of whatever he makes from this scam....

Until today, your progress has been very slow...

No shit. I've been bogged down by a bunch of other letters from you and some of the people you've sold your mailing list to....

as I was in prayer this morning I heard your desperate cry in my spirit and I felt your turmoil in my soul.

You did? Really? When was this, because...I don't remember sending you a desperate cry. You're a crappy psychic.

Then a Miracle! The Holy Spirit descended upon me and gave me a divinely anointed prophetic word. Here is the message:

A 'divinely anointed prophetic word'. That's gotta be, what, at least 15% better than a regular prophetic word?

You have only 72 hours to break the power of the demoic influences that have held you back from your God-given inheritance of divine blessings.

Too bad it took at least 72 hours for this letter to get from your bulk-mail facility to my mailbox....

I asked the Lord why you've had to struggle as you do. The Lord then opened my understanding and revealed everything to me. The reason your problems have been so severe and have lasted so long is that, because you have become spiritually aggressive, you have become a major threat to the kingdom of darkness.

"Why haven't all these miracles Peter Popoff promised happened yet?" "Oh, they are, but Satan's blocking them all"

Good answer....

The people you were able to get with all the other letters you've sent me probably bought it, too, didn't they?

This continual assault from the pit of hell against you explains some of your recent financial, health and even emotional problems.

...but this assault didn't explain it before I [didn't] become spiritually aggressive, when I first [didn't] call Peter Popoff? Wow. We make sense -- it's what we do....

['Blue ink' line down left side of paragraph]*But, [Insert Name], get ready, because this powerful Isaiah 6:6,7 faith action will BRING DISAPPOINTMENTS TO AN END AND OPEN A NEW WAY... FOR TOTAL HEALING AND NEW BLESSINGS IN YOUR LIFE. You are about to witness a miracle taking place in your body, spirit, your finances and in YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

Relationships, being in all caps, are more important than body, spirit or finances. And, obviously, they're what I'm having the most trouble in. Or something. Is this the personal part?

[Insert Name], you are destined for a future of success, wealth and good fortune.

And possibly increased hits based on people finding me by searching for Peter Popoff. I suppose this could lead to a future of success, if people suddenly feel the need to go shopping after reading this crap, and happen to shop at Wasted, or just donate or something.

Through you, every member of your family is going to be blessed, blessed, blessed. Believe me, God knows exactly where He wants to take you.

God's planning on taking me while I'm on the playground. He's got the van without windows and the puppy story all ready....

We absolutely must join forces right now, so that as of February 14, 2006, you'll rediscover your full potential, and all of your God-given talents, strengths and abilities will be released in all areas of your life.

Oops. Little late.

Why this particular date, February 14, 2006? Simply because, in Jesus' name, this date will mark the beginning of 40 days of financial windfall. 40 days of joy and happiness. 40 days of beautiful miracles. ['Handwriting'] EVERYTHING CHANGES NOW!

Where 'now' wasn't actually February 14th.

These cruel waves of satanic assault that are frustrating, poisoning and ruining your health and your life MUST BE STOPPED! And stopped NOW!

Yes. They really must. These satanic assaults that take the form of letters from you and other televangelists -- some that I haven't actually 'contacted' [through online forms] myself.

['Handwriting'] ...Never again will you feel the pain, struggle and frustration of this last year...

Well, no. Any 'pain, struggle and frustration'[huh?] I feel will be all new 2006 'pain, struggle and frustration', and not last year's 2005 model.

over --->

Page 2

--2--

['Blue Ink' -- double lines, lefthand side of paragraph]*Yes, I'm so sure that you'll ACT ON YOUR FAITH now... I'm so certain that you'll follow divine leading and direction and that you'll absolutely refuse to miss the blessings and abundance that God has for you that I've taken the liberty of sending you this packet of coals anointed with an unusual and powerful ANOINTING from the GOLDEN ALTAR of PRAYER. God has directed me and told me EXACTLY how to consecrate these coals. He's already given me the... right words... the right thing to do... to begin a miracle!

Oh. So that's what these are....

['Handwriting'] LET NO ONE ELSE TOUCH THESE ANOINTED COALS

Hear that? Don't touch them. Keep your skanky otherperson hands off my anointed black powder. STOP TOUCHING THEM! I SEE YOU TOUCHING THEM! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

[Insert Name], let me tell you a few very important things about these HOLY ANOINTED COALS. God let me see in a VISION his mighty angel flying toward us with a live coal in his hand. This coal was burning with a hot fire that came directly from the Altar of God. (The fire is a symbol of the anointing and awesome Power of God).

Picture an angel carrying this.

Oh. And it's on fire. And it's straight from the Altar of God. And in the Offbrand Ziplock Baggie of God.

...this is silly.

*This anointing and POWER is about to touch your life in three SPECIFIC areas: Your eyes, your ears and your mind. You will receive divine vision to see exactly where your blessings are, divine hearing to hear the exact instructions that will release all the desires of your heart, and divine understanding to always be at the right place at the right time. (see Isaiah 6:10).

Oh good. Just what I've always wanted. Schizophrenia in powder form.

When this powerful anointing is released upon you, you'll enjoy 40 days of supernatural windfalls. 40 days of healing in your life and family and 40 days of blessings that will astonish you.

I'd just like to go 40 days without getting a letter from Peter Popoff.

As I said, I am so sure you'll say "YES" to my invitation for happiness and victory that, without waiting for your explicit agreement, I have already started working in the Spirit realm for you. I have interceded before God, bound hindering forces that have come against you, prepared these Holy Divinely Anointed and charged COALS and inquired of the Lord concerning the precise steps we need to take to release the blessings you need.

Is it just me, or did those coals get a field promotion mid-letter?

And, really, if he can do all this without my permission, why doesn't he just 'intercede before god' and get the rest of the shit done, too. He's obviously Mr. All Powerful....

['Handwriting']---I SPARED NO EFFORT OR EXPENSE TO PROTECT AND DELIVER THEM SAFELY TO YOU!

Yeah. A whole 17 cents. Wow. That's sparing no expense right there.

['Blue Ink' line, left of paragraph] As I was making these preparations, I experienced a most unusual supernatural visitation that has changed me with the most awesome anointing I have ever experienced in over 30 years of ministry!

Even more unusual than the angel with the baggie? How many times a day do you have this amazing, 'not in thirty years of ministry' vision, anyway....

I am telling you, this power is amazing! This same anointing and same power has saturated these HOLY DIVINELY ANOINTED COALS so completely that I know... as you use them a miracle transformation is going to take place in your life. I warn you... These HOLY DIVINELY ANOINTED COALS are charged with awesome Holy Ghost power... handle them only with care and prayer.

Holy Ghost Power. Wow. Will they explode if I drop them?

['Handwriting']BY THE END OF THIS LETTER GOD WILL USE THESE ANOINTED COALS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

But you said not to let anyone else touch them....

So, February 14th will begin an extremely anointed and productive period for you that you must not let pass you by under any circumstances. I feel the Holy Spirit has also been working in your life, preparing you for this move of God. Now don't close up and miss what God has for you.

Oh. I guess that explains why I've been so lazy. Since I didn't listen to the letter, the exact opposite happens. Or something.

I feel impressed by the Holy Spirit that the next 72 hours will be a particularly critical time for you. As you release your faith now, major changes can begin for you almost immediately. You can see almost instant change for the better in your own life and in the lives of your loved ones if you'll move bodly in faith right now.

The next 72 hours, which weren't anywhere near February 14th when I got this letter.

Oops. I made a typo when I was copying this. 'and in the lives of your loved ones' was typed as 'and in the liver of your loved ones'.

It's NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR... Paul said in I Cor. 13:12... "we see through a glass darkly..." If you would answer these questions, it would help me tremendously...and would help clear things up.

You can see that all these things are going to happen, you can see...lots of things, but you can't figure out exactly what's wrong.

I thought this was going to be full of personal, private information. I didn't realise that I was going to have to put it all in myself....

['Handwriting'] please go on to page 3 --->

Page 3:

['Handwriting'] PLEASE TALK TO ME... --3--

IS SOMEONE TAKING MEDICATION? [ ] YES [ ] NO

I'm sure that someone, somewhere is taking medication right now.

IS THIS YOU? [ ] YES

Maybe. What do you mean by 'medication'? I've got a whole bunch of stuff here. Most of it you can find in the painkiller aisle of your local grocery store.

If not, please print the first name only of the person I'm talking about here: [blank line] and their relationship to you:
[ ] COMPANION [ ] SON [ ] DAUGHTER [ ] MOTHER [ ] FATHER [ ] OTHER [blank line]

I don't know the names of everyone taking medication at this time. Sorry.
Oh, and: [x] OTHER Likely fellow humans, though many other animals that may be distantly related to me in some evolutionary sense may also be taking medication.

It seems that you've received some information or news that has made your heart heavy. Please exlpain this to me here:
[three blank lines]

I haven't weighed my heart. I don't know if it's heavier than before, and I don't recall any news that made it feel heavier. I can't just...y'know, take it out for myself.

[Insert Name], I sense a SPIRIT OF INFIRMITY that has attacked you causing you to LOSE SLEEP. Please explain what type of infirmity it is here: [three blank lines]

...obviously, that infirmity would be INSOMNIA, you twit, if it's causing me to LOSE SLEEP. Not that I'm losing sleep. I keep an eye on my sleep, and make sure it's always where I left it....

*THIS IS IMPORTANT... Have you noticed how money problems seem to cause more stress than any other problems? God has anointed me with a special ANOINTING for INCREASE that will absolutely overwhelm the devourer... but you must first tell me:

Yeah. I've noticed that money problems cause so much more stress than, say, losing my arm. Wow. You're good.

Is there a major debt that satan constantly uses to discourage you and get you down [ ] YES [ ] NO

Satan's a collection agent?

Are you struggling to keep up with your payments? [ ] YES [ ] NO

My payments run really fast. I don't even bother trying.

I see that your HARD TIMES ARE AMOST OVER, [Insert Name]! PLease know that I understand that you have endured many struggles. I am going to ask you to keep up your courage a little longer, because much better things are in sight for you, even as I write this letter.

...what? Better things? Does this mean no more letters?

*As I was taking these Holy Divinely Anointed Coals from the Golden Altar for you and listening to God's instructions, I saw in the vision a dove flying overhead with an olive leaf in its mouth, signifying that your storm is about to come to an end!

I thought that the dove with the olive...branch, wasn't it?...was all about there being land again, and not the storm being over....

*I saw your guardian angel align perfectly over your home in [Insert Address]. This will positively influence and impact your circumstances for the entire 40 days I've mentioned.

Alignment? Is my home and my guardian angel also in line with my, um, power planet? Fuck, I don't get astrology.

These are just two of the most significant SIGNS that foreshadow your upcoming blessings, success, and VICTORY!

Or, maybe they foreshadow an invasion by aliens that are easily defeated by the atmospheric moisture....

GOD SHOWED ME THAT YOU WERE A SPIRITUAL PERSON AND VERY RECEPTIVE UNTO HIM.

HA!

In spite of your spirituality, I saw darkness around you.

That'd be my Guardian Goth. The miasma of darkness and sorrow keeps nasty things like light and smiley faces away from me.

This darkness has been attracting disappointment to you.

...in the form of these letters.

This darkness needs to be driven away.

Yeah, well, you do it. The Guardian Goth can't drive, and it never has any gas money.

I have already started doing that for you through my prayers.

You drive by prayer? Is that why you never signal a turn or lane change?

I saw in the vision... when I placed these HOLY ANOINTED COALS from my GOLDEN ALTAR in your hands... and told you what to do, a powerful deliverance came. Your spiritual powers immediately became very strong and you were surrounded and protected by a magnificent whtie light (the Glory of God)

That sounds painful. Worse, it sounds like one of those Obrit gum commercials. Why can't I have explosions instead of light? Then I could go around making people dressed as onions explode.

['Handwriting'] -- OVER --

Page 4:

-- 4 --

Partner [Insert Name], as I said, I concentrated on your name, and through the eyes of the Spirit began to see your situation. The vision was like a picture taken from afar, somewhat fuzzy and in slow motion. Then I began to see you in the mist. I saw you walking in a fog. You were looking for a road you couldn't find. You were waiting for someone who didn't come. It was as if you were completely alone. Your calls for help weren't answered.

Pictures taken from a distance are fuzzy and in slow motion, just because they're taken from a distance?

then, suddenly, I saw you going in a different direction. However, I sw this wasn't the right road or path to take. I knew it wasn't the right direction. But what could I do to warn you? It was at that moment that I felt very strongly that I could no longer just watch passively, I had to do something about your situation. There was no more time to lose. I felt that I had to ACT quickly to prevent you from taking the wrong path.

...but the vision was blurry, and in slow motion, and from afar, and stuff. But I can see lots of stuff that I shouldn't be able to see.

You must finally seize your divine destiny and divine inheritance (and yes, it is even greater than you can comprehend or understand at this point). I believe God has sent me to you to help you.

You're right. God wants you to help me fight the war against the evil environmentalists.

['Handwriting'] NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU FEEL ALONE.

But...I like feeling alone.

['Blue ink' line, lefthand side of paragraph] *[Insert Name], you must finally have meaningful relationships with those you can trust (and stop dealing with those whom you cannot, without further hesitation).

Because I'm just all about the meaningful relationships with people in general....

You must start off 2006 in the right direction. It's not too late. With God, all things are possible. I knwo that for a fact.

Up? Down? Left? Right? Or maybe it's sorta...a funny direction...I don't know.

Of course, if you remain so full of uncertainty, so full of distress, you will push farther along the wrong path and run the risk of not being able to retrace your steps and find the right path.

Because there's no turning back at some point, and God will reject you when you take that last step and end up in Queertown, or something....

I know you've moved in the wrong direction before and during the past years, particularly, you've encountered failure. A lot has been damaged already. You have, in fact, experienced a succession of negative events. It's as though you have been drawn deeper and deeper into an agonizing puzzle and it has been impossible to find a way out. The harder you searched for it, the more it evaded you!

Puzzle? Where? I like puzzles....

*Yet, I can tell you, [Insert Name], you can emerge from this maze. I know you can! I'm so convinced, I'd like to propose that we find the way out together.

Oh. Maze. Boring.

Maze with help. Even worse.

Of course, you've made some mistakes. I saw them and you know them yourself.

Again, I start to wonder if maybe Peter Popoff thinks that he's God, or something. This guy is just way nutty.

Then again, "I've seen your mistakes, but could you tell me if it's you or someone you love that's taking medication?"

There's no reason to dwell on them. I also saw what happened when you were younger. Some of your capacities didn't have a chance to develop fully. You lacked strength and support. Life can be difficult when you are inexperienced and lack support.

Wow. Cold-reading through a letter. I wonder what this thing was that happened when I was younger that made it so I couldn't 'develop' 'certain capacities' 'fully'.

You doubt your future. Sometimes you just lack a decisive spirit. Your repeated failures often cause you to hesitate... much too often! You have difficulty facing life and imposing yourself on others, but God has placed within you what it takes to succeed.

God wants me to impose myself on others? Okay....

From today onward, you won't stand alone as you face this assault... you won't be isolated; you and I are partners now. God has put it in my spirit to help you discover supernaturally and recover your blessed life and destroy satan's hinderances.

Partners NOW? Just NOW? You've been calling me 'partner' all along.

And, um, satan's hinderances? What?

[Two checkmarks].This new period of BLESSINGS will be bountiful!! (I can already feel it vibrating very deeply in me!).

Ew.

Ewwww.

This new 40 day period of blessings is going to begin for you at the very beginning of February 14th 2006 and will reach its peak, exactly forty days later, on March 24th. (This is the second very important date in your life...)

Let's see... 14 days left in February, plus 24 is...38?

Math.

['Handwriting']go on to P. 5 -->

Page 5:

-- 5 --

After that, you'll continue to see tremendous blessings, joy and divine guidance in your life and affairs through the end of 2006! God has chosen to bless you. I believe you'll learn to recognize God's miracles by this time and learn how to grab onto them and never let them go. This year is your year of restoration and revival!

You have to grab onto miracles, or you'll lose them, because God's just mean like that.

*Now for a secret, [Insert Name]

Oooo. A SECRET!

You have great God-given potential and certain amazing "gifts". You could have succeeded in several areas. I feel that someone has stopped you from expressing yourself. It's now time to reassert yourself and take the offensive. I speak like this because I want you to act. YOU MUST ACT, [INSERT NAME]! If you do, you'll be able to appraoch all of 2006 with a new, powerful and confident attitude.

Amazing gifts? You mean like my astounding ability to never, ever do anything? That's some gift there. And yes, people do keep making me do things instead of letting me express myself through my utter laziness. Finally, you're right!

I can tell you something very positive will knock on your door during the time period I've indicated. I believe God will use me to tell you how to seize this golden opportunity.

SomeTHING will KNOCK ON MY DOOR? I'm not answering....

However, before you can "reap this great harvest," you must absolutely eliminate all of the negative energy that's attached itself to you. You must triumph over all the obstacles that are paralyzing you and trying to make you fall... and with God's help, believe me, you can do it.

With God's help, I can overcome what's trying to make me fall. With God's help, I can overcome GRAVITY!

*[Insert Name], we must act now! I believe February 14th, 2006 will mark the beginning of 40 days of miraculous blessings for you. The next 72 hours will be crucial for you and others who are close to you. Don't forget it.

How long, exactly, are those 72 hours, because we've already figured out that your 40 days aren't....

[Double blue lines, lefthand side] I've obeyed god and taken these Isaiah 6:6 HOLY ANOINTED COALS from my Golden Altar of Prayer and given them to you. In Jesus' Name, first place this little packet of HOLY COALS on your lips and say, "I will speak the Words of God." Then place it on both of your ears and say, "I will hear the voice of God and foll ow His direction." Third, hold it against your forehead and say, "I will think the thoughts of God." Then, lastly, wear it on your body TONIGHT ONLY... leave them inside the bag... do not open the bag. After they have been on your body TONIGHT ONLY... CHECK YOUR HEALING NEEDS BELOW:

I will not wear the black schizophrenia powder. It might void the warranty on my waterbed....

[ ] Back [ ] Legs [ ] Head [ ] Stomach [ ] Arms [ ] Feet [ ] Hands [ ] Eyes [ ] Ears [ ] Hip [ ] Knee [ ] Neck [ ] Explain these and other healings you need:
[Three blank lines]

...just send painkillers. Or something. Anything but more letters.

Now, RETURN THE ISAIAH 6:6 HOLY ANOINTED COALS to me. God is leading me to use them as a powerful contact point to release our faith in agreement, as I minister to you during a SPECIAL TIME OF PRAYER AND FASTING. ['Handwriting'] FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS TO RELEASE THIS POWER.

I'm not sending them back. I'll probably get busted by the postal service for trying to send something bad through the mail.

[Two 'Blue ink' lines, left] *now, there is one more thing I must ask you to do: In this vision, I saw the end of your financial troubles as you PROVED GOD. Do you believe as I do that right now God can start a MANYFOLD blessing in your life? That god is going to bless you in a greater way than ever before? I believe that the Windows of HEaven are going to open upon your life.

Yeah, I bet. If I proved god, I'd be rich....

['Handwriting'] --OVER--

Page 6:

-- 6 --

Partner [Insert Name], in Jesus' Name, thank Him with your offering. I feel led to ask you, [Insert Name], to PROVE GOD with a $27.00 offering. If you believe that God is a God of double portion blessing, I ask you to sow a DOUBLE PORTION SEED of $54.00 in honor of Isaiah 6:6-10

Ah, here we go. The begging.

*I feel this word...

What's it feel like? Is it squishy?

FOR YEA, MY CHILD, THIS SHALL BE A NEW BLEGINNING; BEHOLD, I WILL DO A NEW THING, AND THE REST OF THIS YEAR SHALL BRING GREAT REWARDS AND BLESSINGS INTO THY LIFE. BE NOT AFRAID TO LET GO OF WHAT I HAVE BLESSED THEE WITH... FOR THIS IS THE SEED THAT I SHALL PRESS DOWN, SHAKE TOGETHER AND CAUSE TO RUN OVER, AS I RETURN IT TO THEE MANYFOLD... PROVE ME NOW AND SEE MY POWER WORK FOR THEE..." SAITH GOD.

FOR YEA, MY CHILD...THIS IS THE CAPSLOCK KEY THAT I SHALL PRESS DOWN, AND CAUSE TO NEVER BE TURNED OFF AGAIN.

Praise god, get in a hurry; RETURN THIS PAGE TO ME WITH THE COALS... AND [ ] CHECK HERE to let me know you have obeyed God's instructions. Get this entire letter back to me well before the 14th of February so I can go to work for you!

...no. Not even if you pay for return postage -- which, this time, you did. And you also had 'Prophet -- I'm ANSWERING WITHIN 72 HOURS!' printed on it.

Love to you,
[Signature]

Go away.

P.S. God just spoke to me, saying that if you will obey God with a DOUBLE PORTION PROVE GOD OFFERING OF $54.00 BY FAITH, WE CAN CLAIM A 1000-FOLD RETURN! See Isaiah 1:19.

Yeah, I bet. Just keep on upping those promises even more than you up those damned 'gifts'. Is that how you get people? You convince them that the more they give you, the more they're magically going to get -- but only after they've given enough and obeyed enough and believed enough?

['Handwriting]I really believe you shall experience Joy and FULFILLMENT as never before. But, there is no time to waste. I must start right away. So much work to do and your future VICTORY and HAPPINESS hangs in the balance...

And if I don't, then I shall never have VICTORY or HAPPINESS. I might have victory and happiness, but never VICTORY and HAPPINESS.

Whatever shall I do. I missed the deadline.

Now get the ANOINTED COALS back to me after you have faithfully followed all of my instructions. When you do this, INSTANTLY thereafter, your prayers will move freely and be answered... immediately.

...unless you didn't believe enough when you followed those instructions. Then you're just screwed. Send more money!

I just got another letter from Peter Popoff today, putting me two and a half letters behind. Time to play catch-up.

So, here we are at the second letter....

Second Letter:

It's a short one. I've just been lazy.

Second letter again:

The second letter came with some weird shit. At least the backs of these pages were blank, though....

Second Letter:

ARE YOU READY TO RECEIVE THIS "2ND TOUCH OF GOD'S HAND??

Is this God's Hand? I thought it'd be...bigger.

ARE YOU READY TO ENTER "THE SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S SUPERNATURAL BLESSING???"

YES! I AM READY TO JOIN YOUR CULT! PLEASE REVEAL ALL THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE! IS ELVIS REALLY DEAD? ARE ALIENS REAL? WHY DON'T WE USE THE METRIC SYSTEM?!

[Insert Name] you can't out give God, LK 6:38

The verse: "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again."

I guess this might be a context issue but...where do you get that? I don't see anything about more giving or less, just...equalness in getting what you give. Or something.

God can't make junk, II Cor. 2:14,

...no matter what version of the bible I look in, I can't figure out how the fuck he got 'god can't make junk' from II Cor. 2:14.

God can't be fooled Heb. 4:12,

...again, I'm not sure how he got that. The verse seems to be about the word of God, not the wits of God.

God can't forsake you Heb. 13:5,

...again, I think there might be a context issue. At least this time the verse actually has something like that in it, though....

And yes, I've given up on copypasting the verses in. I just don't care. If you believe this guy and think I'm just a horrible person for not sending him money, that's really not my problem. But, hey, if you've got money to send, there's a paypal link over there....

God can't leave you Gen. 28:15,

...well, at least not until he's 'done that which he has spoken of'....

God can't lie Heb. 6:18

God can't lie...why? Because God says so? And are we to believe him? Seems like a funny limitation...some all-powerful being....

God can't fail Deut. 31:6,

It says 'will not fail', not can not fail. And it seems to me that God has failed a number of times....

God can't take NO for an answer Jonah 1:17,

...and we somehow get that from the line 'And God made a fish swallow a person'. Oh-kay....

God can't let our prayers go unanswered. II Chron. 7:14,

By 'our' you mean his people called by his name. Or something. Whatever. You're a dishonest little shithead. But you knew that already....

GOD CAN'T MOVE WITHOUT HONORING YOUR FAITH.

God kinda sucks then, doesn't he?

WHEN GOD'S HAND touches you all evil will be expelled and Miracles will RESULT!

...are you sure he can do that? I mean, with all that shit you just listed that he can't do....

[Insert Name], God says in Deut. 28. "The Lord shall command His blessings on thee, your enemies will flee, you'll be blessed and set on HIGH, the fruit of your ground, body and field will be blessed. ALL YOU SET YOUR HAND TO, all the WORK of your hands shall be blessed. You shall LEND and not borrow, be the HEAD and not the tail, ABOVE and not beneath... IF... you will hearken THIS DAY TO THE LORD THY GOD."

Well, at least you almost got a whole bible quote in here. Almost.

God has instructed me to enclose this Hand of God prayer cloth...You must return it to me with your needs written in the palm of the hand...

Okay.

then take the enclosed packet of Holy Oil and completely cover your hand and place your HAND upon the HAND OF GOD...

This would be the 'enclosed packet of Holy Oil', which looks suspiciously like...cooking oil.

It says "Peter Popoff's Holy Land Anointing Oil"

leaving the oil print over the needs you have written.

Because they're not really needs until they're GREASY NEEDS.

THEN RETURN IT TO ME as soon as possible along with this page.

I don't even know where this letter is anymore....

Before you return it...LAY YOUR SEED GIFT OF $15.00 in the PALM of the HAND OF GOD...saying "I CONFESS BODLY, GOD'S PLAN IS TO PROSPER ME, ELEVATE ME, AND CAUSE HIS FAVOR TO SHINE UPON ME, AS I FOLLOW GOD'S PLAN TODAY, ALL THAT MY HANDS TOUCH WILL BE BLESSED, AND FAVORED OF GOD, THIS SEED DETERMINES MY GREAT HARVEST THAT GOD WILL RELEASE TO ME."

So, now the money's all greasy....

[Insert Name], take the BIBLE PAGE with the HAND traced upon it and place it in your BIBLE in the exact place where the verses I have circled is.. WHEN I ANSWER YOU, I'LL RETURN THE HAND OF GOD...but...when it arrives there will be some STEPS OF FAITH for you to follow to ACTIVATE the Release of the Deut. 28 blessings and steps that will move you into "GOD'S SECRET CIRCLE OF SUPERNATURAL BLESSING"

And the bible's all greasy....

[centered on page][insert name], THE KEY IS YOU MUST PLANT WHAT YOU EXPECT TO HARVEST!

I've gotta put all this greasy shit in the garden now?

In this 12th month, obey God's "LAW OF THE HARVEST". The law says "YOU MUST PLANT WHAT YOU EXPECT TO HARVEST" (Gen. 1:12). If you give a little you will get a little...but if you plant much you will reap much. II Cor. 9:6

...so, I have to do it next December? Because it's January. We covered that, I think....

GOD HAS GIVEN ME 3 FAITH CONTACT GIFTS TO RETURN TO YOU... God told me to send you 3 sticks of gum...1. For a loved one who needs salvation (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) 2. A 2nd stick of gum for a loved one who needs healing (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) 3. A 3rd stick of gum for you to use that will involve a money transaction. (I'll have special instructions for you to follow.) Don't underestimate what God is going to do...!

There was no gum in this letter. Just, y'know, stating the obvious. And the next two letters I got didn't have gum, either.

I suppose I didn't deserve to get the gum if I didn't send money. Must be some damned special gum.

I'm disappointed, really. I was hoping to get some gum from Peter Popoff, just so I could see if it was the same sort of gum they put in baseball cards. And I was really interested in seeing what sort of 'special instructions' he'd have for me regarding gum and money transactions....

[Insert Name], below please check the amount you are led by god to sow, Prophet Popoff, God is leading me to sow: ( ) $15.00 ( )$10.00 Prophet Popoff, I have followed your instructions and I am returning this page and the HAND OF GOD that I have placed my oil anointed hand upon...covering my needs that I have written out.

(x) -$500.00

Yeah. That's what God's leading me to sow. Now where is it....

SIGN HERE:

Hand Page:

[There is a big, but childish-looking hand outline drawn over most of the page]
I Peter 5:6
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time

Deuteronomy
Chapter 28
Blessings for Obedience
1 If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. 2 All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God:
3 You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.
4 The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock - the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.
5 Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.
6 You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.
7 The Lord will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.
[Circled Verse]8 The Lord will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The Lord your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.
9 The Lord will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the Lord your God and walk in his ways.
10 Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they will fear you.
11 The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity-in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.
[Circled verse]12 The Lord will open the heavesn, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none.
13 The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.
14 Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

[Handwritten at a slant across the page] [Insert Full Name]
God wants to exalt you!

And what the fuck was the point of this waste of paper, anyway?

Great. My cable just...froze on me, or something. Where'd I put that Miracle Healing Water.....

Initial Envelope:

...the envelope says:

*Money tied up will be released!
*A rare opportunity is inside
*Your storm is almost over and the sun will shine again!
*Expect a new storm of money, harmony and love!
OPEN BY NAME BELOW ONLY!!!

I don't know why I didn't expect it, but I was awfully...upset by what I found when I opened it.

First Letter:

Yes. AGAIN. Popoff AGAIN. Two letters in one week. Very nearly two letters in two days.

First letter page 1:

This letter is on those damned long pages -- the ones I have to patch together after I scan them. It's annoying.

Second and mailback envelopes:

This time, his envelope doesn't beg me to use a stamp. It just...makes me use a stamp. I must've run him broke with those five pennies, or something.

I'm going to do this a little out of order this time. There are more pictures, but they might serve better within my reply to the letters....

First Letter:

Page 1:

[Blue 'ink' box around paragraph]
[Insert Name], miracles are happening so fast I can't keep up with them... But your miracle is about to be complete... and I can say just as God told me! [Insert Name], YOU ARE JUST 2 FAITH STEPS AWAY FROM YOUR MIRACLE FOR SPECIAL HELP WITH SOME MONEY PROBLEMS YOU ARE FACING!

Two more steps? After the five steps with the coins, and the one step with the foot anointing and...what the hell do you think you're doing? Testing to see how many of these it will take before I'll actually do something, or is this something you do with all your victims?

*Dearest Partner [Insert Name], I have toured the nation and the world bringing the Gospel of healing, prosperity and miracle blessings to millions...

These millions you speak of...are they actual people, or are you thinking of the money you've gotten out of people....

NOW... God has sent me as His Prophet into your life today.

So this is all about you being told what to do by god, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I filled out a form on your website? Is this supposed to explain why you keep saying I called you?

OPEN YOUR HEART, USE YOUR FAITH, and OBEY GOD because God's favor is about to rain down upon your entire life.

...but not before I obey you, right? Blessings only come to those who obey Peter Popoff.

What if Donald Trump, Evander Holyfield, or someone you knew was a millionaire said, "Please sit down, I want to tell you how to build a MILLION DOLLAR BANK ACCOUNT." Would you sit down and take them seriously? Of course you would.

Actually, I'd wonder what the fucking scam was, because I see shit like that in my inbox just about every day.

SO, [Insert Name], because I have helped millions of people just like you receive a transforming, life changing OPPORTUNITY... I ask you for the next few minutes to take the phone off the hook, go to a quiet place where you can be alone and not bothered as you read on...

I'm not sure if I can read this without being bothered. It might be impossible to both read this and not be bothered....

The FIRST thing I want to get into your spirit is this... "ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEM THAT BELIEVE". You can build your life and your dreams on that... It's God's Word and He just can't lie. Get that in your spirit... believe it, it's the
one truth you can depend on in this world.

Somehow, this sentence just fails to inspire any sort of faith in me. It might have a lot to do with the fact that I've become convinced that Peter Popoff thinks he's god, and the guy's record for being less than honest....

[Blue 'ink' double line down the side of this paragraph]
*This letter actually began just a few days ago...

I'm sure it started more than a few days ago. I'm sure this letter was written quite a while ago, and just sits around until someone's name shows up to be put into it.

Let me explain...

There's nothing I can do to prevent that...even though I'm fairly certain you won't actually explain anything.

I sent you a special letter after you called...

I didn't call.

as soon as that letter was in the mail to you...

Oh, wow, are you talking about this letter? It takes you a really long time to send out your form letters, if you're talking about that one, because an entirely different letter showed up between then and now....

GOD SHOWED ME A VISION...

This should be good.

It seemed I was sitting in your front room there at [insert address].

My front room? Do I even have a front room? I'm pretty sure I don't, unless you count that little landing in front of the doors, where the stairs happen.

I don't sit there, though. There's nowhere to sit....

I was holding your hand praying for you...

Your form letters are getting kinda stalker-creepy.

THE HOLY SPIRIT began to speak Words of Wisdom through me... I said under a great anointing ..."I KNOW WHY YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION HAS NOT IMPROVED."

...lemme guess. It's because I haven't played your little letter-water-oil-penny game, right?

Then I saw it... more clearly... just like Daniel's answer was held up between Heaven and Earth... by satan. [INSERT NAME], YOUR ANSWER HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED... DELAYED, BUT NOT DENIED.

Satan steals mail.

Jesus has prayed for a blind man in St. Mark 8... He prayed for the blind man, and he saw men as trees... THEN JESUS GAVE HIM A... "SECOND TOUCH". This second touch brought the victory the man needed... it opened the windows of Heaven upon Him.

What am I supposed to learn from this? That Jesus can't get things right the first time?

GOD HAS SENT ME TO PRAYER BLESS YOU WITH A "SECOND TOUCH"... One that will expel Demonic Spirits, make them loose their holds, moving you into God's favor, opening the windows of Heaven's Blessings in a mighty way...! [Handwriting] I AM A SPIRITUAL WARRIOR ACTING ON GOD'S DIRECTION ON YOUR BEHALF!

...but only if I follow the instructions exactly, right? I wonder what he wants me to do this time.

Before I go any further I feel led to pray; "In the matchless Name of Jesus, I command the grip of all demonic forces to be broken, and by the time [Insert Name] finishes reading this letter and obeys you... there will be a "SECOND TOUCH" so awesome that no weapon formed against them will prosper, every arrow of satan will fall before [Insert Name], and every foul plan of satan for [Insert Name]'s life will be cancelled in the mighty Name of Jesus...Amen".

This letter is getting kinda boring.

[Handwriting]-----OVER-----

Page 2:

[Handwriting]--- 2 ---

[Blue 'ink' star] Please [Insert Name], let's take the next step in order to RECEIVE this "2nd TOUCH BLESSING". It's already the 12th month of the year... and YOU MUST NOW apply this "SUPERNATURAL LAW OF HARVEST INCREASE". Yes, it's true and found in II Cor. 9:10 (TLB) "A part of your HARVEST IS FOR SOWING AGAIN."

January is the 12th month now? Is this some sort of strange religious countdown thing?

If you will accept this opportunity from God here in December and act upon it in obedience to God... ALL PRAYERS FOR YOUR PROSPERITY CAN BE ANSWERED.

Oops. Guess not. You just...fucked up a bit, didn't you?

This [next two words circled] "2nd Touch" of God's hand on your life will bring you into the "SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S MIRACLE BLESSINGS." [Handwriting] NOW YOU MUST ACCEPT GOD'S PLAN!

Now there's a secret circle. And probably a secret handshake, and a special membership card you can't show anyone.

[Blue line down the lefthand side of next paragraph]
*The HOLY SPIRIT is revealing to me the rewards of this "2nd Touch"... "CALL unto me and I WILL ANSWER thee and SHEW THEE great and mighty THINGS, which thou KNOWEST NOT." Jer. 33.3. In Matthew 8 Jesus stretched forth HIS HAND and touched the leper and he was made whole. In the 15th verse Jesus took HIS HAND and touched a woman's hand and her fever departed and IMMEDIATELY she was so anointed she ministered to others... In Chapter 9:29 Jesus touched the blind mand with HIS HAND and he was healed. In Matt. 20:34 Jesus again placed HIS HAND upon the blind and they were healed.

I'm not even going to bother looking these up. I'm too bored with the repetitive 'God has to do things twice for it to work' thing....

The 2nd reward is... When [blue box around next two words] God's HAND touches you...Badtouchbadtouchbadtouch....

all evil will be expelled, bonds broken, and you will be empowered to enter this "SECRET CIRCLE OF GOD'S MIRACLE BLESSINGS".This is some sort of secret society thing, isn't it?You will be SET ON HIGH,

WOW! PENNIES! I'm so BLESSED! Thank you, God-Peter-Popoff!

The letters were on the same large paper as before, but this time there were pennies taped to the top.

...and there was this strange second page

There's a foot on it.

And I was right. There's water this time. And the water's actually there.

I got a few pictures, because I wasn't sure if the water would actually show up.

Just one more....

There. That should be enough to actually show the water....

Now, on to that second letter....

Page 1:

[Handwriting] THIS IS FROM THE THRONE ROOM...

[Blue box around next paragraph]

The throne room? Peter Popoff has a throne room now? Is it down the hall from the Department of Prayers & Miracles?

A HOLY ORACLE FROM JEHOVAH--RAHI (Your great shepherd and you shall not want)

I couldn't find that one. I found 'Jehovah-Rohi', which seems to have something to do with being 'my shepherd'.

EL-ELOYN (The Most High God who is the first cause of everything)

...I couldn't find this one either. I found 'El-Elyon'. I suppose 'first cause of everything' would naturally follow 'The Most High God', but....

JEHOVAH-RAHA (Your Healer)

I did find this one, but it seems to be the shepherd thing again. Google asked me if I meant 'Jeovah-Rapha', which has something to do with healing.

JEHOVAH-JIREH (The Lord your provider).

Google didn't ask me if I meant anything for this one, but it spit out some results for it that said it means 'Jehovah will see', but I can't really be sure, because I don't know what language these things are supposed to be, or if Popoff just made them up.

Patner [Insert Last Name], the POWER of RELEASE this act of faith will accomplish for you as you obey is beyond compare.

Yeah. Obeying things is so releasing. Follow the thoughts of others, never question, and never think for yourself. I'm starting to think that the people who fall for this shit deserve to be taken advantage of beyond their means, so that they may starve and die.

This is a Supernatural Force unlike anything else on earth.

'Supernatural Force' is a proper sort of thing, but 'earth' is just common. Obviously, because Supernatural Forces are greater than things on Earth...or anything on it. I don't know....

It holds within it the POWER, when obeyed, TO CHANGE YOUR WORLD.

So this 'supernatural force' is this letter? But the power only works when you follow the instructions, no matter how stupid they seem?

When disobeyed it can CHAIN you to all the problems that have made your life miserable.

Oh, so it works either way, but if you don't follow the instructions, this great and mighty good thing gets cranky and does mean things. I see now. That's not very nice....

What we are about to do is more powerful than any other worldly power, voodoo, Santeria or any other evil threat.

Are you saying that voodoo, Santeria and 'evil threats' are worldly powers? Or that Voodoo and Santeria are 'evil threats'? You watch a lot of bad movies....

I suppose it does me no good to mention that Santeria seems to be a sort of blending of native beliefs with Catholicism...probably because the Catholics are as evil as people who practice Santeria.

YOU ARE ABOUT TO LINK UP DIRECTLY WITH THE POWER OF ALMIGHTY GOD...

I'm not entirely sure I want to do that. I've heard god's power is hosted on a 14.4....

AND RELEASE A FORCE THAT WILL MANIFEST YOUR DESIRES IN THE EARTH...

In the earth? You're going to make my desires out of dirt?

THESE "ACTS OF FAITH" are not some ordinary suggestions from man...

No, they're pretty much nutty suggestions from a man.

BUT THEY ARE ORACLES I have received in my Spirit from Almighty God...

These are 'oracles'...what was all that other stuff? Just shit you made up while you were waiting on hold with God?

OBEY AND WATCH GOD MOVE!

OBEY AND WATCH PAINT DRY!

THIS IS A WORD OF PROPHECY GOD GAVE ME...Prophecy, oracle, whatever....

DO THESE NAMES, SITUATIONS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU?? IF NOT JUST THROW THIS AWAY!

...I wonder what it is....

The back doesn't tell me. Maybe --

OH GOD NO!

Another letter! Another envelope! More stuff from Peter Popoff!

Hey...this one's not all water-stained. Maybe the thing inside it actually has water in it....

I also got scans of the envelopes, just in case anyone wants to see these things at a larger size.

Main Envelope, front.
Main Envelope, back.
The 'Water Envelope?'
The 'If you have a stamp, please don't spend my money' reply envelope.

I also, like last time, scanned and retyped the letter. I have not actually opened the 'water envelope'. I'm 'following the instructions'.

Actually...I'm just being horribly lazy right now, and I think I'm just going to do the first letter right now, and get to the second envelope tomorrow...or, rather, later today, since it's after midnight now.

Page 1:

P.U.F.C./P.O. Box 769 Upland, CA 91785
This letter has been sealed by the DEPARTMENT OF PRAYER & MIRACLES.
From: PROPHET PETER POPOFF

The DEPARTMENT OF PRAYER & MIRACLES, huh? Is that the code-name for the 'Department that wastes the money those poor broke grandmas send us'?

I keep feeling NEW THINGS about you as I write you this letter.

You mean as your computer generates this letter....

It's just amazing... letters keep pouring in reporting Miracle after Miracle...

Is this about me or about the letters you get? Make up your mind...or don't. I suppose it would be wrong for you to change and actually become coherent and able to stick to a topic when it comes to sentences....

... I do not kid you, I feel you are NEXT IN LINE FOR A MIRACLE BY FAITH...

Didn't you say something about that in your last letter?

[star]Dearest Partner [Insert Name]: This is the only letter you'll receive JUST like this one.

...well, maybe not 'JUST' like this one, but I've received extremely similar letters from you at least once before...and I'm betting there's a letter in that second envelope that reads a lot like this one....

So you must take IMMEDIATE advantage of what God is saying and doing.

Because I didn't take any advantage last time, I guess I get another chance.

TODAY, [Insert Name], you will see IMMEDIATE BENEFITS,

The only 'IMMEDIATE BENEFIT' I'm seeing is that I suddenly have a bit more website content.

and as you continue to apply what God has given us through divine revalation... you'll experience some absolutely EXTRAORDINARY RESULTS by faith!

Continue to apply what, exactly. So far, all 'God' has given me is a couple of really bombastic letters and an empty sex-lube-style packet of...nothing. And that only got me one comment...which I suppose is an 'EXTRAORDINARY RESULT', considering I didn't get many non-trolling comments before that....

Maybe there's something to this after all....

I'VE SPENT SEVERAL HOURS IN PRAYER...

Next time, maybe you should spend those several hours somewhere else, like, say, in a typing class. Or possibly in a basic sort of English Composition class?

It's a GIGANTIC surprise that's waiting for you, [Insert Name]!

A GIGANTIC surprise? Wait, don't tell me...is it R'lyeh rising from the depths?

... AND THE THINGS God has shown me in the Spirit can only be received by a person of faith such as yourself.

Your fake-personal-letter scheme is showing....

I can say to you with absolute assurance and confidence... THINGS ARE ABOUT TO TURN COMPLETELY AROUND FOR YOU!

Damnit, NO! I don't want things to SUCK!

What you must understand is... I'm not trying to sell you some bill of goods...

...yeah. Right. I understand. That doesn't mean I believe you....

I constantly use this same POWER OF INCREASE IN MY OWN LIFE.

You're using gifts from God for selfish purposes? Is there a Christian version of the 'threefold law', or whatever that wiccan crap is?

[Insert Name], God has anointed me to help people who have been declared by friends and doctors as absolutely hopeless.

...but you also help yourself. Have you, therefore, been declared 'absolutely hopeless' by friends and doctors? I bet you have.

If God has used me so often to help those who were facing impossible situations and lead them into miracles...

...then God is a feckless twit who needs to hire someone to let him know that he's just got to knock it off with the hiring of all these really bad representatives. Holy shit, you suck.

JUST IMAGINE WHAT GOD IS NOW READY TO DO FOR YOU.

And now, to tell you more...Ron Popeil!

GREAT NEWS FOR YOU [INSERT NAME]: You can now have everything you ever dreamed of or desired.

Just set it and FORGET IT!

Scientists have conducted numerous studies in order to understand these strange events.

And they've come to the conclusion that Peter Popoff is a horrible bastard who lies and cheats people.

Major magazines have reported in depth on how the miracle working Power of God is sweeping across the earth in this end-time day and hour.

End time day and hour? Well, what good are these miracles of 'everything I've ever wanted' going to do if it's the end times 'day and hour'?

And which magazines are these?

Yes, there is a MIRACLE force emanating from the very Throne of God that is now literally ready to change your world.

...miracle...force...emanating...throne....

I take this to mean that God really needs to clean his toilet....

No, it's not some good luck experience,

Of course not. It's all bad stuff. Or possibly nobody cares about and nobody notices because it didn't actually happen stuff....

It is the Miracle Life Force of God...

...which is entirely different from luck.

that is ready to fill you and surround you with such drawing power for good.

...I have to go with 'Ew'.

You will actually become like a powerful magnet,

And I'll heal myself through magnet therapy, because I'll be like a powerful magnet? I'll save thousands!

Better, I'll MAKE millions! I'll be able to charge gullible people who believe in my amazing magnetic therapy abilities to just stand next to me!

that draws limitless increase, vast wealth, wonderful health, love, stress free living, happiness, joy along with great peace of mind to yourself.

Oh.

Wait, that sort of magnet is even better. I bet I could charge people for that, too.

['Handwritten']-----OVER-----

Page 2:

['Handwritten']-----2-----

[Red ink box around next four words and one letter of 'is']
A WORLD OF KNOWLEDGE is coming to me...

Have you gotten to the part about letter-writing yet? What about honesty? I suppose honesty would come before letter-writing...assuming a WORLD OF KNOWLEDGE is in some sort of alphabetical order....

If it's in some sort of strange Popoffey Decimal System, I guess there's no way of knowing what comes next.

I see you need energy and new, youthful vigor...

I could always use more energy, and my youthful vigor is looking a little worn around the edges. Maybe if I had another one, I could actually keep it in the box. Maybe, in a few years, 'youthful vigor' will be worth something in mint condition.

It seems as if a spirit of worry, heaviness, and an uncertainty about tomorrow is trying to control you...

But with Peter Popoff and God, I'll know what tomorrow will bring, because of my amazing new psychic Godly Gifts. Or something.

You lack confidence in yourself and your future.

Nobody should ever doubt themselves, because if they do, they can't know their future, because of those Godly gifts that come with notdoubt.

You are skeptical

...which is just silly. Nobody should be 'skeptical' when dealing with Peter Popoff!

and you have a hard time even imagining that your life can change so QUICKLY and COMPLETELY IN EVERYTHING.

...I don't know. I often find myself a female one moment and a male the next. Things change more quickly and completely than even you can imagine....

I also see this beautiful home,

...great. What he really sees is a higher mortgage payment.

a winding driveway,

Oh, and more shoveling to do. Asshole.

beautiful swimming pool,

...and a POOL TO CLEAN? I hate you. I hate you.

and I see some beautiful cars...

No! No! Not...I can't bear the thought of paying for multiple cars and their insurance. You're hurting me!

this is where I come in...

Get out.

God had me come to you by way of this letter so that I could shine a light into the fog of your unsettled future.

And you've shown me the thing that goes bump in the night. It's really very terrible. Go away now.

['Red ink' double parentheses around next entire paragraph]

[Insert Name], I know I need and want to help you... and you NEED MY HELP.

Are you going to shovel the driveay?

I am about to PINPOINT some "windows of opportunity" that can very dramatically change everything in your life.

...so I can avoid these future horrors.

Oh, god, what if there's a gated community?

I'm going to have nightmares.

I'VE SEEN IN A SPIRITUAL VISION: [Actually double-underlined, and there's a big arrow pointing in from over here]

...was that arrow in your spiritual vision?

**[Insert Name], you will see some very serious concerns in your life take "a 180 degree turn in the next 30 days."

I'm not sure how much good it does to just have concerns turn around. Or does turning your back on something actually work?

**[Insert Name], there is a financial concern that keeps you in bondage...

...what if I enjoy playing Mistress of Pain with my change jar?

This concern will be eliminated through the 5 POWER STEPS OF FAITH YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE in obedience to God.

Power steps? Obedience. Are we getting into aerobic domination-play now, or something? I think I'm lost.

**[Insert Name], I "see" an unusual meeting with a person of irresistable charm.

I'm going to meet the antichrist? I thought I already had....

Because of this person you will live some exceptional moments full of strong and intense emotions.

This sounds like a really bad thing, especially since it sounds like something that would involve my current relationship ending, possibly through some sort of cheating.

This person will walk into your life in the next 60 days and bring into your life, support, comfort, love and true friendship.

The next sixty days from now? I guess I should watch out for that, then....

*[Arrow][Insert Name], God is prompting me to share this with you...

Somebody needs some therapy...and it's not me this time.

He has heard your pleas for physical and financial help...

...two somebodies need therapy....

Now don't give up or lose hope because help is on the way.

Here I come to save the day!

God has anointed me to penetrate this fog-like darkness that impedes you and hinders your progress.

I didn't know darkness could be 'fog-like'. Even when there's fog during the day, it can be awfully bright....

This fog has kept your financial windfalls, vibrant health and even daily blessings from showing up.

This is sounding less like fog and more like 'massive quantities of snow'.

THERE IT IS...

What? Where? Money? The fog?

it's the same anointing I feel when I tell people the very day money is coming,

Oh. So money. Wait, what the hell are you talking about. Anointing? Feel?

and sometimes the exact amount and even the precise hour...

You truly are amazing if you can predict the US Postal Service's schedule....

OH, IT'S BURNING...

...this is a good thing. A very good thing. Feel more. Feel much more.

(Let me go on)

As if I could stop you....

God has let me see your wonderful, benevolent spirit, your kind heart, and the good you desire to do for others.

...did I open somebody else's letter?

I guess maybe I did, in some sense. This is a form letter, after all.

Oh, once this fog-like darkness is penetrated,

Don't you 'burn off' fog?

things you have longed for, prayers that were hindered and unanswered, and needs that have not as yet been met...will break through [Double underlines again]

So, little Billy really will blow his hand off the next time he plays with fireworks, and you'll stop doing what you're doing? Yay! Away with you, fog-like darkness! Away, so that these things may come to pass.

[Handwriting with arrow underline]go on to p. 3

Page 3:

WHEN YOU TAKE THE TIME TO ANSWER THIS LETTER...

This probably isn't what you meant, is it?

I will tell you some dates when you can expect money miracles and exact dates in January, February & March that you must take special note of and prepare for.

Exact dates? Really...?

I HAVE ENCLOSED 5 COINS ANOINTED FOR SPECIFIC MIRACLES:...these must be in the second envelope that I haven't opened yet. Yes, I actually followed the instructions this time. I thought it might be a little more entertaining....

Oh, please understand that after we obey God in this... you will walk into a BEAUTIFUL BRIGHT LIGHT OF DIVINE BLESSINGS,

That sounds painful.

a golden existence of pure bliss...

So, there'll be none of this 'now that you already believe, and you're experiencing hard times, it's just God testing you' shit...yeah. Sure. Right.

Around January 1 - 4th some papers about money will arrive...

Oops. Didn't happen.

DO NOT SIGN THEM...

Can't sign what didn't happen. Of course, what if I had gotten papers having to do with money sometime between January 1st and 4th? What if they'd been very important papers...some sort of insurance thing, or something to do with the house. Why the hell would I listen to some nut and put off something like that?

And what if they were bills? Do people actually listen to this guy?

because you won't have to after this financial windfall breaks through.

I won't have to sign papers on something to do with money because I'll be getting money...probably from the things that I didn't sign, even though, if I had signed them, your prediction would've come true?

We're in the land of 'even less sense' now. Yay.

BACK TO THE 5 COINS ANOINTED FOR MIRACLES!

Okay. What about them. Why are they so important that they deserve such largeness?

Not 3 or 4 but 5... Because 5 is God's number of victory.

...wasn't 7 God's number last time?

That means to you that God is going to GIVE YOU VICTORY IN YOUR LIFE IN REGARD TO YOUR BLESSINGS AND YOUR MIRACLES.

Blessings and miracles can also be something other than 'victory'? Failures, maybe?

[Red box]Why is this so important?? Partner [Insert Last Name], Naaman left the Prophet Elisha angry because the prophet told him to go dip in the dirty Jordan River in order to receive his deliverance... His servant said, if the prophet had told you to do something great you were ready to do it... if he asked you to empty your bank account or do some difficult deed...but you despised this small thing. God is saying to you, don't despise this samll act of faith. All Naaman had to do was dip himself in the River Jordan in order to receive his deliverance.

I think I managed to track this down in the KJV, although...I'm not sure that's what Peter Popoff uses. I'm not even sure he sticks to one version....

2 Kings Chapter 5, Verses 10-13
"And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.
But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the LORD his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.
[Are] not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? may I not wash in them, and be clean? So he turned and went away in a rage.
And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, [if] the prophet had bid thee [do some] great thing, wouldest thou not have done [it]? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?

I don't see anything in there about emptying bank accounts or anything. And it doesn't say 'once', but seven times....

[Insert Name], don't let your carnal mind or your reputation get in the way of your SOLUTION.

...it certainly wont' be my 'carnal mind' or my 'reputation' that prevents me from doing nutty things like 'dipping myself in the River Jordan' or 'emptying my bank account'....

The enemy has been trying to entice you to the wrong rivers, the wrong ministries, but now you are where God wants you.

...that's exactly what the enemy would say....

All you need at this point is the kind of faith that doesn't mind doing something foolish... faith that keeps you dependent on God even when it looks like in the natural that everybody else is doing better than you are. That's your sign, God is ready.

...the kind of faith that keeps a battered wife with her abusive husband, and keeps her from ever acting out against him.

Though you've been insulted, your feelings have been hurt, though you've reached the end of your rope and sometimes feel like quittin'...

I feel a country song coming on....

KEEP DIPPIN' in faith.

...nevermind. It's worse.

Your breakthrough is now here... Stand on the promise of God...

Or, I could just not listen to you and stand on my own two feet, on the floor, here in reality.

...or maybe I could just sit.

"Blessed is the man who perserveres...he will receive". Jas. 1:12 niv

Don't you mean, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him?"

[Insert Name], your desperation has placed you in a situation where you've got almost nothing left to lose...

...funny definition of 'almost nothing' you've got there....

when you need God's answer bad enough, you'll do whatever he asks, do whatever it takes...

This sounds more like it's about an addiction....

[Next four words and one or two letters circled]Take the anointed coins... they are inside the envelope with the money on the front AFTER YOU FINISH READING.

...back to the coins again. But wait, don't do it yet, there's one more page!

[Handwriting]-----OVER-----

Page 4:

[Handwriting]--- 4 ---

['Red ink' double parentheses around next entire paragraph]

PLEASE, PLEASE, return the 1st coin back to me...

He needs the money, you see....

I must hold this one in prayer...

...and then spend it in one of those little toy machines?

I don't even know what these coins are, yet....

and I'll return to you some dates you must take note of... some dates to watch for your money return.

...but not the coin?

#[Insert Name], IN THE NEXT 3 MINUTES you will CHANGE YOUR LIFE OR YOU WILL CHAIN YOUR LIFE.

I think this is going to take a little longer than three minutes.

By that I mean... Your obedience to God, when you open that envelope, WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER...

I'm sure it will. I'm sure that, by opening that envelope, I'll lose another several hours of my life to utter pointlessness, and have a little bit more for my site....

or your disobedience... WILL CHAIN YOUR LIFE FOREVER to the same old problems that have kept and are keeping you in bondage now.

That would be a little like changing my life forever, wouldn't it?

I feel in my spirit this is one of the last opportunities you'll get to TURN THESE PARTICULAR THINGS AROUND...

...didn't you say something like that last time? How many 'last opportunities' do I get?

When you obey God... "THE LORD... WHOM YOU SEEK WILL SUDDENLY COME." Malachi 3:1 amp

I'm not sure what the 'amp' stands for. I'll just go with the KJV....

"Behold, I will send my messenger, and he shall prepare the way before me: and the LORD, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he shall come, saith the LORD of hosts."

...I haven't seen quotes this bad since the last time someone mangled a scientist's quote to make it look like they were against evolution....

HISTORY'S GREATEST PRISON BREAK...

...did it happen at Alcatraz?

After being flogged all night Paul and Silas OBEYED God in their trouble. About midnight... JESUS SHOWED UP....

Okay, I'm not going to bother looking this up.

Oh, my Partner,

I am not.

it's about midnight in your life...

It's exactly 23:59 and 43 seconds, actually....

this is the time WHEN GOD COMES ON THE SCENE!

...at the time that's commonly believed to be the 'witching hour'? The time when bad things come out to play?

The how and when of your deliverance is up to God... JUST BE OBEDIENT AND READY...

And squeal like a piggie when he tells you.

for HE comes SUDDENLY!

...is that another way of saying 'prematurely'?

Don't miss God now...

If you don't call in the next ten minutes, this deal will be gone forever! You can't miss this! All this value, for fifteen low easy payments of only $89.98! And if you call now, you'll get a free sheet of paper!

Please, In Jesus' Name, open the envelope with all the money on it... to get a glimpse of what you are in store for.

Right now? But I thought I was supposed to finish reading this letter first....

Praying you obey God... Love to you [Insert Name], Prophet Peter Popoff

Oh. I guess I'm almost done. You're a creepy fucker, y'know that?

[Fake Signature followed by a large block of 'handwriting']

P.S. I feel a strange conflict is taking place within you between two totally opposit inclinations.

Are hungry and tired 'opposit'[sic]?

I'm pretty sure there wasn't an 'e' on the end of 'opposite' in the original letter. I can't really tell, though. The printed-out red ink handwriting font is so terrible....

At times you simply seem to let go and fail to react to overcome the small problems that seem to keep piling up...

If that's a metaphor for the current condition of my livingroom, you've done a very good job at making a prediction. But it's not, so you didn't....

Then, oddly, at other times you feel much better.

Like right now...because I can see the bottom of the page! And there's a cat in my lap!

You have moments when suddenly you become aware of the life you could be leading but you just don't know HOW to benefit from all the opportunities that come your way.

...now my head hurts. I'm not having a moment. I'm having a pain.

DON'T WORRY, I will prepare you to seize the blessings that are just ahead...

I don't want to seize blessings. They're gooey.

Coming soon: What's in that second envelope?

The televangelist was Peter Popoff, and the thing he was selling was Miracle Spring Water.

I say selling because he wasn t actually selling it . He was giving it away if you called in and asked for it. You can also obtain it through his website [beware - there's audio] by filling out a simple form.

Recently, I filled out the form and got the miracle spring water . First, though, I d like to talk about Peter Popoff a bit.

Peter Popoff is a televangelist a faith healer much like Benny Hinn, except Peter Popoff has been busted much harder than I ve ever seen Hinn get busted.

Peter Popoff s thing was that he was getting messages from God about people voices in his head, or some shit, telling him about the people in his audience and their ailments. It turned out [thanks to James Randi] that God sounds an awful lot like Popoff s wife speaking to him through one of those little in-ear radio things. She d read off things from cards the audience filled out prior to the show, and Peter would come off sounding like John Edwards having a really good day.

I believe what Peter Popoff was doing is commonly called hot reading , or, more commonly, fraud .

Anyway, his ministry was fucked, but he s back. I ve seen his informericals on both Court TV and Comedy Central.

There s something funny about that, isn t there?

Where was I .

Oh yes, Popoff s current Faith Healing thing.

I went to his website last month, filled out his little request form, and waited.

Eventually, an envelope showed up --

Anyway I opened it --

...and then I had second thoughts about the retyping, and realised that I should go through and respond as I wanted to right then...otherwise, I'd have a really, REALLY long post and that would just be wrong....

You can view a scan of each page by clicking on the links to them I ll include a link before each new page.

By the way each of the letter scan images somewhere around 1700x2400, but under 400kb. Largish. Actually, they re the size they scanned at. I left them that way so that they might be a little easier to read. Parts of this letter just have to be seen as they are .

Purple Letter Page 1

[Insert Name] our prayer center received your phone call

..but, I filled out a form on your website. The form on your website dials a phone and reads things to you?

I have been praying on your behalf non-stop ever since the operator gave me your name.

Okay...it calls and reads things to your operators? Because I really, really didn't call. If you're going to send out form letters, you should have two -- one for your website, and one for your phonecalls.

[Insert Name], did I spell that correctly?

Wow, your form letter sounds so concerned. Did this technology come as part of the package you purchased that allowed you to write forms on your website that call operators?

When you called perhaps you thought it was by accident

Yeah. It was an amazing accident. See, I tripped and fell on my phone and it magically dialed your number...oh, wait, no, I FILLED OUT A FORM ONLINE!

I feel that A HIGHER POWER directed you to call.

I feel like saying anything else about the form I filled out would be beating a dead horse...except now there's a higher power involved. Now I get it. The form on Peter Popoff's website is a direct email line to god! And it's one of god's 'higher powers' that calls into his operators and gets in touch with him.

I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU SO PLEASE READ ON.

Importance is equal to how big the letters are...and how bold. Of course. All caps plus bold means really, really important. So please, read on. And try to keep from playing the really fun 'count the ellipses misuses' game....

November 30, 2005

Dear [Insert Name], it is not unusual for God to send those with HARD CASES to me.

I'm pretty sure all of my cases are soft, though. Hell, I'm not even sure I have any cases....

No disrespect to anyone but in my spirit I feel you ve tried to get help before, but to no avail.

Was he expecting that this would be read by more than one person? Anyone? You have? I'm lost here.

Many are not anointed to deal with DIFFICULT CASES .

Peter Popoff, however, is especially anointed through radio technology and the replacing of 'hard' with 'difficult'.

Perhaps this anointing is so strong upon me because I have PERSONALLY overcome some of the same challenges you are now facing in my own life.

Does this mean that James Randi is going to expose me as a fraud on national television? What'd I do to deserve this?

[Insert Name], in my prayer time, God showed me some of the HARD THINGS you are now dealing with.

...the only 'hard thing' I'm dealing with right now is the banishing of this horrible mental image of Peter Popoff's mental image of a generic person running, screaming through a field of assorted dildos....

God gave me this word for you... FEAR NOT, MY Child, [Insert Name], THE HARD THINGS YOU ARE NOW FACING WILL SOON BE A THING OF THE PAST... FOR DURING THE NEXT SEVERAL MONTHS I WILL USE MY PROPHET TO LEAD THEE INTO DELIVERANCE... AND REVEAL UNTO THEE THE STEPS OF FAITH THAT WILL BREAK ALL EVIL HOLDS ON YOUR LIVES AND RELEASE MIRACLES OF LOVE, SUCCESS, NEW HEALTH AND JOYOUS LIVING UNTO THEE.

All that is 'a word'? It must be important...it seems like a really big word. And it's in all caps...but it's not in bold, so it's not really, really important....

Why does god have such crappy grammar? And why does he write exactly like Peter Popoff...or whoever wrote this letter for Peter Popoff?

Well, as you can see you have made the right new contact.

Yeah. I can see that. I've certainly been looking to fill the position of nutty televangelist with a bad reputation who types letters with random strings of caps in bold and italics....

IMPORTANT: Notice the sealed envelope... DO NOT OPEN IT JUST YET...

Oops.

the packet of water you requested is inside... and... also a powerful prophecy for you.

Goodie goodie. I can't wait.

But FIRST you must read this entire letter:

Okay, okay, I'm reading. But, how will you know if I don't do everything in the right order? I mean, really? Is there a magical switch inside the envelope that counts down from...something to something and if I open it before that time is up it sends a big angry buzzer sound to you through your magical GodOperator? Are there pixies inside? I better open it right now in case there are...because I wouldn't want to be responsible for the death of pixies....

[Insert Name], By God s direction I ve undertaken this assignment of defeating these HARD THINGS in your life that are now holding you back...

I have a hard, difficult case with hard things that are holding me back. And a mind that's constantly in the gutter, except now I'm thinking 'restraints' for some reason, and that ain't good.

I am so certain that as you OBEY GOD IN FAITH... YOU WILL ACHIEVE SUCCESS AND GET THE RESULTS YOU WANT WITH GOD S HELP.

WOW! REALLY? I don't know what you just said, but DAMN it sure looks IMPORTANT!

The faith in my heart is saying to you, [Insert Name], during the next few weeks you can become prosperous, more joyous than ever before, understand and know your future, and live a life filled to overflowing with love and happiness.

...did your heart write this letter? Now I've got this mental image of a strange, diseased little heart typing away at a computer....

Maybe I really DO need help.

I took your name, anointed it and commanded evil spirits... to bow to the Power of Almighty God. In Jesus Name, I speak to witchcraft and all evil and command it to recede.

He anointed my name and speaks to witchcraft. Who is witchcraft? Does he have witchcraft on speed dial? And does all this 'commanding of evil spirits' and speaking to witchcraft and evil cause the strange problems with '...'?

THROUGH THIS MIGHTY TIME OF PRAYER...

BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!

The Grace and Favor of God has been restored to you...

But how? I have The Grace and Favor of God Restore turned off to save space....

BUT, we must work to restore the power, peace, health and prosperity that satan has stolen from you.

That sneaky bastard satan, always stealing health.

God has revealed to me in an awesome, SECRET VISION... things that I MUST SHARE with you at this time.

Note to self: Peter Popoff can't keep a secret.

[Handwriting font]([Insert Name], PLEASE READ ON!)[End Handwriting Font]

Aren't handwriting fonts great? It really helps that false sense of 'wow, he really cares. Not.'

Page 2 of The Purple Letter

I SEE in the SPIRIT... 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS that are on the verge of unfolding in your lives.

...I have many lives.

HOWEVER, there s an attack from satan... that puts you in the WRONG PLACE, at the WRONG TIME, with the WRONG PEOPLE, and all of these beautiful things God has planned for you cannot unfold.

Satan causes dropped calls, magically empties your gas tank, and hits the snooze button on your alarm in the mornings.

BELIEVE IT, when I say, Your act of faith has already begun the release of POWER THAT WILL ACTUALLY CHANGE YOUR CHAOTIC CIRCUMSTANCES and FUTURE.

Satan is powerless against letters like these....

I LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT... YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES ARE CHALLENGING...but... WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

Yeah. I bet god can help me with my little shoelace problem. That's why I called!

Your understanding of these 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS will move you at the right TIME, into the right PLACE, and hook you up with the right PEOPLE... so you can see God s manifested MIRACLES RELEASED.

There are people now? What if I don't want to hook up with them, though? What if they're ucky?

The POWER OF AGREEMENT that we release as you and I agree together is the most awesome of all powers.

That sounds so...dirty.

St. Matthew wrote concerning this power... saying in Matt. 18:19... WHEN TWO AGREE... IT SHALL BE DONE.

And people complain about atheists taking thing out of context....

Matt 18:19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

Here is the full chapter. I assume Peter Popoff uses the KJV, or something newer. I'm not sure what the whole thing is meant to say, but somehow I doubt it means that if I agree with Peter Popoff, I'll get money.

I have been assigned by God to help you... so that you can receive God s answer to that SPECIAL NEED IN YOUR LIVES.

Heh. I'm 'special needs'.

ONLY GOD CAN MEET THIS NEED... and He has put the 40 years of victory of this ministry behind you.

I assume you don't mean 40 consecutive years. There was that nasty thing in the 80s, and then the bankruptcy....

LISTEN AS I SPEAK TO YOU... about these 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS .

I will listen to your loud font. Yes. I'm listening to your loud font speaking to me.

1. DURING THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, through the help you receive from this ministry God will move you toward a sudden release of money. In faith I see this influx of money showering down upon you from an unexpected source. I really believe it is somewhere between $1,700 and $17,000.

...why $1,700 and $17,000? Wouldn't it be better to predict something lower, like $170? Or are you just banking on someone in my family dying and happening to leave me something between those two numbers?

2. I envision a dramatic turn of events in your lives, like Joseph s, that will take you from the Pit to the Palace, and elevate you to a position of authority and influence. The Favor and BLESSING OF GOD will rest upon you and follow you wherever you go.

My lives. Again. By day, I'm a mild-mannered sleeping person, but at night I turn into a multiple-personality SUPER HERO! And I'm gonna be your boss someday! Peter Popoff SAYS SO!

3. [Insert Name], this concerns the POWER OF PROVISION that God is about to release in your lives... Something or someone who causes fear, causes hurt, will be removed... MORE TO COME.

Peter Popoff and God are putting out a hit on someone in my life. Uh oh. I can't think of anyone who causes fear or hurt, though. Maybe it's someone who thinks they caused fear or hurt.

4. TRAVEL??? Yes, travel, you are about to experience the awesomeness of witnessing and demonstrating the power of God in remote and distant places.

Oh, great. God's gonna reward me by sending me to some primitive shithole. Thank you, god.

Let me just follow the direct leading of the Holy Spirit here... just as God opened up a SECRET WAY OF DELIVERANCE for the children of Israel... and they miraculously walked through the Red Sea... God is now ready to OPEN UP A SECRET WAY OF DELIVERANCE FOR YOU.

That could get messy and annoying for other people. I mean, if god is constantly pushing things out of my way so I can walk through...he can't be doing that for everyone.

[Insert Name], there are 3 more IMPORTANT Prophetic events that are yet to be revealed... HOWEVER... I must obey God in this. YOUR OBEDIENCE IS THE KEY! I CAN ONLY REVEAL THEM TO YOU IN MY ANSWER... Obey God in this!

This would be the expected 'but wait, there's MORE' part of the sale's pitch, where, after they show you all the amazing things the gadget can do, they hit you with the 'surprise gift' portion of the show...where you have to pay for twice its value in shipping and handling.

So, what do I have to do to get the last three prophetic secrets?

Page 3 of The Purple Letter]

[Insert Name], in Jesus name, GET A GLASS OF WATER...

How do I get a glass of water in Jesus' name? Is there someone I call to place an order that will just let me say "Yeah, can I have a glass of water? No, just a glass of water. Who's this for? Jesus."

I believe that God will let his angels trouble this water as you sleep tonight.

How nice of god, letting his angels 'trouble' a glass of water. I hope they clean up the mess they make after they spill it all over the carpet....

Place it by your bedside tonight... BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP...

I don't know about you, but I'm in the habit of placing a glass of water by my bedside AFTER I go to sleep.

place the UNOPENED SEALED ENVELOPE IN YOUR PILLOW SLIP... tonight only...!

...and if you're one of the lucky ones who actually got a sex-lube-packet of Magical Spring Water that had water in it, you better hope it doesn't rupture during the night. If it does, you better hope your 'pillow slip' is water-friendly, or at least in need of blessings....

In the morning... take 7 sips from the glass in Jesus Name.

Does this mean that, earlier, when I got the glass of water, I was supposed to be physically 'in' the name "Jesus"? Do I have to build a big human habitrail in the shape of the name just to do all this?

And how big is a sip?

After you obey God in this... OPEN THE SEALED ENVELOPE.

Don't brush your teeth, don't get dressed, don't even bother with breakfast. Do these things first. Because Peter Popoff -- I'm sorry, GOD -- says so....

According to St. Luke 6:38... you MUST QUALIFY YOURSELF for a Supernatural Blessing... Yes, this harvest of a great INCOME...

The Apostle Luke said, the way to QUALIFY yourself for a PRESSED DOWN, SHAKEN TOGETHER AND RUNNING OVER BLESSING IS TO G I V E .

Luke 6:38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

Huh?

When you OPEN the Water Packet...

...if you have to open it. If it hasn't already been opened for you.

If there's even water in it...

anoint your hands for MONEY MIRACLES in Jesus Name. Then anoint a Holy Consecrated Seed of Great Harvest Offering of $17.00. NO, I don t want you to send $37 or $77..

...you could expect to pay $900 in stores for this item. But here, you won't pay $900, or $800, or even $500. No, not even $100! This can all be yours for...

No, SEND EXACTLY $17.00. Because 1 is the number of Father... and 7 is the Father s number of perfection.

...and because $17. just doesn't seem like a hell of a lot. It's a funny number, like $13.33 or $29.85.

When you return the page inside the sealed envelope to me...

...as you can see from the scan, this sentence was floating boldly in the middle of nowhere just like it is here....

I will send you all of the 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS .

WOW! What a deal! Seventeen bucks for four things I already have and three I haven't seen yet!

These anointed words will guide you to the RIGHT PLACE, at the RIGHT TIME... and help to hook you up with the RIGHT PEOPLE to receive the Miracle harvest of God.

...think of what you'll be missing out of if you don't send the money. What's a lousy seventeen bucks compared to the miracles that are waiting for you? SEND THE MONEY! SEND THE MONEY! SEND THE MONEY!

When you read these 7 SECRET PROPHETIC EVENTS in their entirety you will see the SECRET WAY and the way to your deliverance will open up for you.

Because without those last three, the first four make no sense. You need those last three...and the secret decoder ring that you'll be asked to send money for in the next letter if you send the first $17....

The moment you open up my answer to you... a POWERFUL ANOINTING IS GOING TO RUSH ALL OVER YOU...

Eww.

and within the next several weeks you ll see God reveal Himself to you in your New, Glorious Future!

Or maybe I'll be dying of whatever it was that rushed all over me.

Now, remember, this is not something you can afford to take lightly...

Taking this lightly has cost me a lot of money....

God has sent you to this Prophet who will help you see Total Victory over the DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES in your lives.

Is god going to make the cable lineups not suck, because right now I'm having a really difficult time with that. Also, I think I'm having a difficult time being funny here.

Now read my instructions again.

...but, why?

1639996

I don't know what this is about. It was in the original document, and it's just...there.

The book you requested, PROSPERITY THINKING has been reserved for you.

I don't remember requesting any book. I think it was mentioned in that little image, though. Something about it being sent with the water....

But you must answer this letter to let me know that I have your correct address.

And in order to let you know you have the correct address, I have to send you $17. which covers the cost of the book more than adequately.

It all makes so much sense now....

[Handwriting font]Waiting for your answer. Love to you [Insert Name], from your new friend, Prophet Peter Popoff.
[Signature]

There's that faux personal touch again.

Anyway....

Me being a godless, baby eating atheist-child-of-satan, I just couldn t wait to see what was in that funny envelope with the red fake handwriting. So, I opened it.

Also, you can t really see it in that first picture. It was a real bitch to get a picture of this thing that actually worked.

This is the front of the packet

Wait...maybe the Big Pink Letter explains it, right? The big, overly long pink letter on the stupidly large paper that I couldn t scan all at once? I did get it scanned, but I had to patch the images together. They might be lined up a little funny you ll just have to deal with it.

No, but here it is anyway. Same warnings apply images are large, but I dropped the quality, so the file sizes shouldn t hurt too much.

Pink Letter Page 1

SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONSPartner [Insert Name],

I'm a partner now?

*IF GOD COULD CREATE A SECRET MIRACLE PATHWAY THROUGH THE RED SEA SO THAT THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL WOULD GET TO THE PROMISED LAND... HE CAN DO THE SAME FOR YOU... SO THAT YOU CAN GET TO THE PLACE OF VICTORY, PEACE, HAPPINESS AND ABUNDANCE THAT HE HAS ALREADY ORDAINED FOR YOU.

I'm not kidding about the underline thing. It really does look a little like that. Some words are underlined in that fakey blue ink two or three times. I guess it helps drive home the urgent need to send the money so I can get things that I won't get even though they're already set up for me.

Because these things are really all about money, and if god doesn't get his $17., then he rearranges things.

Cranky bastards, that god....

This packet contains water from the spring in Southern Russia where the pastors and Christians were led by the Holy Spirit to drink during the horrible Chernobyl nuclear accident.

Nevermind that my packet was completely empty...maybe other people actually do get packets full of this water...but, suddenly I'm glad that I didn't, because I'm not sure I want to be anywhere near this Miracle Chernobyl water. I can only imagine what makes it so wonderful....

(I warn you, something so anointed and sacred can t be taken lightly).

Maybe you should also warn me that I might get cancer and have crazy, deformed babies if I don't believe properly....

As I walked to this very spring through the dark dawn... when I got there, it was like a light from Heaven lighted up the entire area.

Waitaminute....

Is this Peter Popoff saying that he was there during the Chernobyl 'event', and was involved in this 'god leading his flock to safe water'?

As I knelt trembling under the awesome presence of God the Angel of the Lord commanded me to bring this Miracle Spring Water back for you to use as a powerful point of contact for many miracles in your lives (the spring represents the flow of the spirit).

God should've told you how to package it, too. These little sex lube sample packs are very wrong.

NOW HERE S THE MIRACLE...

Where? Right there?

GOD SAID, I CONFIRM THE WORD OF MY SERVANT... I PERFORM THE COUNSEL OF MY MESSENGER.

I'm god, I don't have to make sense!

No one who drank from this spring died from nuclear contamination.

We've tried very hard to make sure that no such thing ever shows up as the cause of death....

No one who followed divine leading and direction suffered illness.

Instead, they enjoyed illness quite cheerily.

NOT ONE BELIEVER SUFFERED HARM.

Again with the 'suffered'. Saying they didn't suffer from it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

NOT ONE BELIEVER DIED. ALL WERE MIRACULOUSLY SPARED.

All those people that died, they just didn't believe.

As I heard of the great destruction and saw God s great deliverance for his people... I witnessed the power of God that delivered, protected and PROPOSED. AND SO WILL YOU!

You have a time machine?

#1. 1. Anoint your forehead with this miracle water for total peace of mind.

And brain cancer!

By the way -- that #1 1. thing is actually in the letter. The #1 thing is 'hand written', though, much like the asterisks and stars next to certain things....

Anoint your hands for MONEY MIRACLES in Jesus name.

...because hands are money. And if you do it just right, your hands will turn into money. Sure, it'll be painful, but Jesus loves you.

Anoint your body wherever you feel pain.

The burn means it's working.

Then anoint the doorposts of your house with this miracle water for protection from all evil.

Evil knows better than to enter houses where people fling around Chernobyl water....

#2. 2. Claim the miracles you need (with prayer) and ask God to open the pathway to your very own MIRACLE DELIVERANCE... the pathway to your victory... through your RED SEA of need.

...then, get down on your knees and squeal like a piggy.

#3 3. Send me your prayer requests (on back) along with your best gift to God. When I get this sheet back I will know that you have obeyed God s instructions and acted in obedience.

Make sure you send the $17. And if you don't do all of these things right, Peter will KNOW.

I will then release a prophet s anointing for you!

Just for me? I'm so special.

And...ew.

I will believe that God will spiritually roll back the waters of your Red Sea and uncover the miracle pathway for your total healing, deliverance and VICTORY.

Suddenly, I don't feel so bad about beating the dead horse of the 'phonecall' joke. This Red Sea thing is getting a little old....

PROPHETIC WORD FOR YOU TO CLAIM(READ OUT LOUD) *I speak to you now as God s messenger, as God s prophet of prosperity...

I get the feeling things are about to get really, really, REALLY important....

The word PROPHECY is written down the left side in handwriting font with a bracket indicating the following text....

FOR YEA, MY CHILD, KEEP YOUR EYES UPON MYWORD AND YOUR EARS TUNED TO MY GOOD. KEEP YOUR SPIRIT ALERT AND LISTEN AND YOU WILL... HEAR, LOOK, AND YOU WILL... SEE. REACH OUT AND YOU WILL... FIND. EVEN NOW, I THE LORD THY GOD, HAVE ORDAINED THAT MIRACLES ARE ABOUT TO BE RELEASED UPON THEE.KEEP YOUR EYES UPON ME AND DON T LET SATAN DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE CONFUSION ALL AROUND YOU. FOCUS YOUR EYES UPON ME AND GET THEM OFF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES FOR I AM THE AUTHOR AND THE FINISHER OF YOUR FAITH. KEEP YOUR EYES UPON ME AND YOU WILL HAVE FAITH. THEN AS YOU ACT UPON MY WORD AND FOLLOW MY LEADING, YOUR ACT OF FAITH SHALL BRING TO PASS THE VERY THINGS THAT YOU DESIRED TO SEE.SATAN WANTS YOU TO PARK BY YOUR PROBLEM, BUT I SAY UNTO THEE THIS DAY, ARISE, AND MOVE IN FAITH AND I SHALL OPEN THE DOOR FOR THEE AND YOU SHALL WALK INTO MY COMPLETE VICTORY, HARMONY, HEALTH, PEACE AND PROSPERITY. I AM THE FINISHER OF YOUR FAITH. DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR PROBLEMS, BUT LOOK TO ME FOR I AM THE SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM IN YOUR LIFE. I AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH THAT YOU HAVE LOOKED FOR, AND THE SOURCE OF ALL LIFE, SAITH THE LORD.