Nothing here, so don't bother looking around. Or, do. Because it really doesn't hurt me either way. But I got a bunch of stuff done, so, interesting.

Because, mostly, I don't get much done. Mostly.

In the past couple of...I don't know. Days or so...I managed to get the theme over at gremlin.net working, then I went straight into tweaking a theme for Wasted, Inc.

gremlin.net took a while because I was starting from scratch; Wasted, however, was pretty quick, since it was heavily based on a theme that already existed, and all I really had to do was...gut it. I'm good at that.

Since I was doing so good, I decided that it was time to dive into something I'd never actually done before: a skin for phpbb3. Starting out with a theme that kindasorta had what I kindasorta wanted, I went through, learned everything I could, and applied it to the board. Thanks to some inspiration from some phpbb3 theme site that I can't get to load for me right now, and a lot of help from the phpbb knowledgebase, I was able to add whole new template files. Sure, the board doesn't look exactly like the blog, but it's damned close.

Now I'm moving on to another skin. Because working on that is so much better than bothering to think up anything for any of my dormant projects.

So, I've got this theory [theory, definition 4, 'shit I just made up'] -- all this productivity is bad. It's a symptom of something. Combine that with the fact that I've watched far too much House MD, and I came up with cancer [because it's never lupus, except for that once].

If you're unfamiliar with the show, there's usually one theory involving cancer. The cancer is either causing paraneoplastic syndrome, or secreting some naturally-occuring hormone that causes bad things.

Thinking about it now, both work for this theory.

Cancer version 1 could easily be causing an overzealous immune response, and said response could be attacking my naturally-occurring...um...procrastination cells. Procrastanocytes. Yeah. Now, normally, I have a very high natural level of procrastanocytes, but they're being killed off by this immune response, leading me to actually get things done.

Never heard of procrastanocytes? Well, they're these little cells in your blood that just sorta hang around and don't do much. They don't really even circulate, unless they get picked up by something else. They'll often collect in the brain and just hang out for years, not really doing much of anything. When this happens, you can come up with brilliant reasons for why you shouldn't bother doing things until later.

Cancer version 2, on the other hand, is just pumping out massive quantities of productivity. Productivity I don't have an unclever name for. But we'll just pretend that productivity is some sort of neuro-chemical thingy that makes you productive.

I'm not really sure where these cancers would hang out, but I'm guessing it's not my brain. My first thought was 'pancreas', because it already makes insulin, so why not a tumour that pumps out productivity? But the first one? My money's on spleen.

Because...spleen.

So, what's the treatment for a fictional cancer [for which the only symptom is 'getting shit done']?

Also, adsense is gone. It wasn't doing me any good, and those Twilight ads were really getting on my nerves. So I'm using this new system that Gremlin found. One that might or might not work out.

I added the tiny button link yesterday, and got a few bids. But it might not do well being down there under 'Narcissistic Stuff' -- except, being down there, it almost looks all I totally endorse this product. But, that's not up to me, I guess.

So...banners have been added. And, since I'm not being lazy and relying on a plugin to drop things in, I actually get to control where they are. Between posts, where I wanted the damned things in the first place.

So, if anyone wants to, you can now have ads on my site. There's a bit of clicking here and reading to do, but you're not just limited to here.

Not much else going on, other than that.

I wonder if there's anything else I can do today....

You had a good thing there with Lego Star Wars. Lego Batman and both of the Lego Indy games...don't exactly recapture it in all it's entertaining awesomeness, but what is? When you introduce something this awesome with a game that includes magical fucking powers the force, everything else is going to feel strangely inadequate.

I have hope for Lego Harry Potter – though...slightly less hope than I previously had, now that I've played Lego Indy 2.

Oh...by the way – and you had to know this was coming – I have some suggestions. Before you say anything, fictional voice of Traveller's Tales, I'm not deluding myself. I'm not expecting anything. I fully understand that posting something to my own website [and only half-jokingly addressing it to you] is about as useful as knitted socks for fish. However, it's no more passive-aggressive than most things you'll find on the internet. I get that I'm just someone muttering while the rest of the world uses sound amplification methods concerts would envy. And that I'm doing this muttering from another galaxy, possibly in a completely separate universe.

I'm cool with that, though. I wouldn't know what to do with your attention if I actually had it. I barely know what to do with my five and a half actual readers.

So, anyway: suggestions. I have a few.

1. Dropping in is easy, but....

Let's start out with an...easy-ish one. I won't pretend to know what sort of coding goes into making these games work. I get that it's complex, and takes multiple teams of individuals to hammer out such huge, glorious messes [and then another team or two to fix half the bugs before foisting the beta testing on an unsuspecting, paying market]. I doubt this is all that difficult, though.

I'm having pronoun issues, aren't I?

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, the Lego games let a second player 'drop in' by just activating a second controller and pressing 'start'. Dropping out, however, takes a bit more effort. You have to disrupt Player 1 by pausing the game, and scroll down the list to get to 'drop out'. This is just wrong.

See, there are a lot of times where you want to drop out, but it's inconvenient. And I'm sure there'd be a way to do it that wouldn't disrupt the flow of the game. A combination of buttons that wouldn't normally be pressed except to drop out, or one of the unused buttons. I'm sure there is one.

Make it conditional, if you have to. Player 2 can press 'start' to drop in and drop out, and that's all start does for Player 2. Player 1 has control of everything else – the pause screen, whatever. I'm fine with Player 1 being in charge, and I'd be able to drop in and drop out to take care of all those basic bodily functions that seem to plague me more often than my usual gaming partner.

2. The Split-Screen.

This is new to Lego Indy 2, and I kinda like it. Or, I would, if it weren't so...oddly conditional. There are some levels where it just doesn't activate at all. I can't really guess why, but it kinda hurts the whole 'working together to beat something by tackling half of it while the other guy gets the other half' thing.

Go ahead and keep it. But...don't make it so damned...conditional. Let us wander. If we're supposed to be in the same spot, we'll figure it out, okay?

3.Preservation, perfection, and the badness that is progress for the sake of progression.

Did I mention you had a good thing going? You did. And you integrated them nicely into other themes. However, there are some changes you've made to Lego Indy 2 that I really, really hope won't be in Lego Harry Potter.

3a. No hot-swapping? What the fuck is that about?

And, before I get into this....

3b. Dude, where's my free-play?

You've replaced the awesomeness of free-play with bonus/treasure levels? Really? Ugh. No, really. What I loved most about Lego Star Wars was the ability to pick a favourite and stick with it, while knowing that I'd get a shortie and a jumper and a bounty-hunter that I could left-trigger or right-trigger to without much thought. I miss that. A lot.

3c. Really? Spread out spawn points creating an epic, map-wide scavenger hunt for the mystery skill?

Instead of hot-swapping for these specific little no-longer-freeplay missions, you've stuck me with having to search all over Liberty fucking Island for that one unidentifiable wrench guy. And you've crammed him onto an island I can't parachute into from my flying thingie.

Yes. I'm annoyed.

If you want to have special 'take the right guy in' short levels for extras, put them in. But it can't really be that room-consuming to code for free-play and special extras, can it? You can give us both; we won't complain that the game will take longer than six hours to complete.

Unless, of course, you make it longer by forcing players to go on between-play not-really-sidequests looking for the fucking WrenchGuy.

3d. That really says it all. 3D. And perspective.

I ran into some serious issues with Lego Indy 2. It combined the weirdness of the shadows of previous games with an interestingly forced perspective, leading to platforms that looked like they were aligned a certain way, but they actually weren't. If you're going to create a weird, almost side-view platformer, you don't get to fuck it all up by placing objects out of alignment. OR, you have to get the shadows right. Those are your two choices. Alignment, or proper fucking shadows. And, as good as you are, I don't think you're ready for shadows.

3e. Driving levels are wicked fun, but....

No, really. They are. I love them. Mindless, bumper-car fun. Stop trashing the fun with annoyingly difficult puzzles.

You know which one I'm talking about. The jeep, the truck, the horse, and the motorcycle? The switches? The nearly impossible jump over the burning books, and onto that teensy little platform that you somehow have to keep your overly-bouncy jeep from bouncing off of?

Yeah. I thought you'd remember that.

Which brings us to another problem with the vehicles. The phrase 'independent suspension' does not mean that the wheels are entirely without physical relation to the vehicle they're supposed to be attached to. I know, I know: they're Legos, right? But...do they have to be so pointlessly bouncy and yet so completely incapable of getting over a bump? When I wasn't having fun destroying things, I was either waiting for my car to land, or wondering why the hell I couldn't get out of the ditch I finally landed in.

And then, the bounciness never actually worked to my advantage. While I could, without trying, accidentally send a truck flying by running over a random Lego stud, I couldn't get the same lack of gravity to apply when hurling the truck off a cliff to collect one of the balloons.

4.While you're thinking about the rest of this, here's a few even-more-unlikely suggestions.

Okay. I'm being harsh. Lego Indy just wasn't the continuation of the fun-fest I wanted it to be. But you've got a working theme [starting with the tried-and-true Lego Star Wars template, with that interesting good/evil Lego Batman thing that could probably be worked with]. Let's go with that.

You don't have to stick with movie franchises. Really, you don't. There are so many properties out there that have so much Lego Potential. Harry Potter was one of them [though, I'm not entirely sure what you're going to do with Deathly Hallows. So much of that book is 'camping'....]

Since I'm pretending that you're reading this at all, I'll pretend you didn't stop reading the instant I said 'fuck' and got all critical, and that you're willing to listen to my suggestions for potential future Lego games.

Lego Resident Evil

Not the movies. Fuck the movies. I'm talking about the original games, re-worked into a LegoStarWarsian funfest. Take the first three games – you wouldn't really have to do much. Rebuild the levels to fit into a Lego world, keep the puzzles, because, really, they're not that different, and...have fun. The second and third kinda take place in the same area, so you could reuse things, but in unique ways.

C'mon. Little Lego zombies? Little Lego Nemesis? A Lego Plant 42? A Lego Neptune? Having to go back into a level as Lego Nemesis to unlock certain things? C'mon. Talk to Capcom about it. It'll be fun.

Okay. If you have to, get your lawyers to talk to their lawyers. You're owned by Time Warner now, right? They should have a few. If it helps, promise them you'll look at some of their crap for another game while you're at it. Lego games could continue to be instant money if you just remember to keep it enjoyable.

Honestly, that was the only serious suggestion I had. I can come up with a few more, though. Less serious, and potentially problematic if you're looking for cross-platform releasing. Personally, I wouldn't say 'no' to the potential fun of a Lego Legend of Zelda, but I can see Nintendo not being pleased with their boy showing up on another console. Especially after that Philips CD-i fiasco....

Also, I can't really think of a lot of ways to make that into something like Lego Star Wars. Not much for swapping there, so, really, I think you'd be looking at something more of a Legoified remake of the initial game [which could be fun, but probably not something you want to do].

Not that you really need all those elements for a game to be fun. Or even Lego. I just don't know how well it'd go over.

Oh! There's always Pirates of the Caribbean. That could be fun.

If I may wander completely outside of reasonable and find myself in the land of 'rather insane', how 'bout something really strange, like Lego Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Yeah. That's kinda not likely. But I bet it makes Lego Resident Evil look like a good idea, now, doesn't it?

Just think about it, won't you?

What am I going to do? Well, I'll be watching for these games, or any of these other suggestions to show up in your future Lego games. I figure, I'll see them right around the same time that I see a new EarthBound game released in the US, or perhaps a non-paper, non-sucky sequel of Super Mario RPG.

First, though, I should wrap this up. Can't exactly pretend it's getting read if it's just sitting here where nobody can see it, can I?

For some reason, when I'm writing here, I tend to think of my parents as a single entity. And, I don't know why, but I refer to that entity as 'Mom'.

This is really very unfair to my dad, who really is a seperate entity, and is just as awesome as my mom. And he deserves equal credit for the presents I've gotten -- not just the ones from this year.

...and now I guess I have to go fix something before getting lost in another game, or distracted by glossy, full-colour science.

The card reader that's in my computer died...a few months ago, and I just haven't gotten 'round to replacing it yet. I've been relying on this external card reader; it's slow, and, being small and not in my computer, easily lost.

I found it, though. Then, I spent half an hour getting several months of pictures off my camera....

Then, there was the unfortunate discovery that the recent server restructuring left me unable to import things from my special Gallery upload folder, which meant a quick trip to customer service, where I found out that my guesses on where I should point Gallery's 'permissions' were correct...except something was getting in the way. So, FTP, and undoing and redoing the file permissions on that folder, and...finally, it works.

So there's new stuff in the Digicam Originals 2009 folder over there, and I can finally post about the presents.

Chips, fudge, cookies.

Including pumpkin cookies, which apparently attempted an escape somewhere along the way.

While arranging everything so we could get the traditional video for mom, Zombi decided that it'd be most helpful to get under the sofa cover.

Two new batteries for the Wii charging station mom got us last year. The old batteries were flaking out -- not holding a charge for very long. And one of the contacts was starting to look a little more corroded. They were used; I can't blame mom for that, though, because I'd have probably gotten them used, too, if I could find them.

Two Wii Classic Controllers, for the Virtual Console games I might someday get if I ever acquire Wii Points. One of these was actually Gremlin's gift.

I kinda hope that, eventually, Nintendo release some VC games on a disc or something, the way Microsoft has.

Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks, for the DS. A game that probably would've been responsible for the delays in posting this if two new games from Gamefly hadn't shown up with the presents...and I haven't even touched one of them, yet. I'll talk about that in another post, though....

Yes. A cordless electric kettle. I asked for it. I wanted one. Because, well, tea. If you can't understand that, that's not my problem....

Also, it's not really your annual non-denominational Family Gathering and Gift Giving day if you don't get at least one useful kitchen item. This might be the first time in the history of ever that the useful kitchen item got used immediately, though.

Artificial black roses. Really, that's the only way to get them.

Then there's this. This thing that I asked for, and didn't expect to get, because, really, who expects their parents to track down a newly released DK book? But here it is. Prehistoric Life. The cover also says The Definitive Visual History of Life on Earth.

If you've ever seen a DK book, you know they mean it.

The last half of the video I sent to mom was of me sitting there, leafing through the book, trying to pronounce interesting new names and basking in the glow of CG-enhanced educational materials.

The rest of the night [or, really, the next six hours] were spent on the sofa with Gremlin, drinking tea and going through the book. And lamenting the fact that the book, having come out this year, is already outdated. And the fact that DK have not yet released a comprehensive guide to the cephalopoda.

Seriously, DK. Get on it. Take some time off from your visual guides to Star Wars and your level one stuf about mammals and print up a gigantic, glossy, adultish type book that encouraging parents can get their bright, adult-minded children to inspire them toward careers in teuthology. One that covers the extinct stuff, too.

While we're on the subject of squids, this is what I decided to do with the flowers, since I...don't really have anywhere else to put them right now. I think it looks kinda nice with the mushroom cloud poster behind it.

I should probably be a little more clear, shouldn't I? I'm talking about gay marriage – well, marriage, really. 'Marriage' being the 'ball', and the people bitching about the 'sanctity' thereof being those who need to shut the fuck up and go home.

Because I've got an idea. A really awesome idea – awesome because it's mine, and I'm feeling particularly awesome right now.

Don't worry; it'll pass.

Here's my idea: ditch the term. Let them have their word. Just the word, though – okay, and the bullshit church ceremonies that go with the word, but not the rights.

You 'sanctity of marriage' types want gays stuck with 'civil unions'; gays want the rights. It's a compromise. A good compromise.

But, wait – there's more.

While we're doing this, we've got a great chance to fix this rather fucked up system. No, not with semi-facetious 'divorce bans'. I mean really fix it.

It starts with replacing 'marriage' with 'civil union', transferring all rights from one term to the other, and opening it up to both heterosexual and homosexual couples.

Weddings and 'marriage' ceremonies will still exist, and still carry about as much legal weight as they do now, but the 'civil union license' won't enter into it. You'll still be able to have your Special Pretty Princess Daaa-aay™ – nothing about that will change. It'll still be a pointless, overpriced ceremony that'll leave you with fewer friends than you went in with, a fucking huge pile of debt, and the slightly ishy feeling when you notice that someone had their poodles married under the same flower arrangements.

Here's where things start to get a little fuzzy for me, because there are states' rights issues, and all manner of other things. I'll just get it out of the way up front: people who are already married don't have to worry about these next suggestions. People who want to, though?

Step 1. The Civil Union Permit.

You've met your soul mate. The one being in all possible universions that you're meant to be with [this week]. You love him/her, always and forever, or until the fall fashions hit the retail version of a second-run cinema. You want to get married now, now, right now, right now NOW damnit NOW and run barefoot through some Valtrex ad.

Well, you can't. Not under my system. Stop stamping your foot and caterwauling about the 'sacredidity' of your Elvis-in-a-pink-UFO drivethrough wedding [with free Taco Bell!], and the subsequent divorce one day later....

Go out with that person – and only that person – for at least six months. Yeah, I know, that seems a little arbitrary, but work with me here. At six months, the two of you can go in and get a 'civil union permit' – assuming you're both over eighteen.

There will be no fourteen year olds getting married to their father's drinking buddy under my system.

If you haven't already, move in together. Do not skip this step; it's important. You can't qualify for the civil union license without cohabitation.

What? Can't cohabit without a blessing from your deity of choice? Doesn't matter. Go get that blessing, and move in together. It doesn't matter to the rest of us – our state is separate from your church.

Why am I making such a big deal about living together? Ever hear that line about how you don't buy a car without test-driving it first? No, I'm not talking about sex, here – not entirely – just living together. Two people; one flat. One bedroom, even. Because you don't buy a car without test-driving it, and you don't commit to spend the rest of your life with someone without knowing if you can stand to live in the same several hundred square feet.

The permit only grants you certain privileges. What those would be, though, I'm not entirely certain. Let's face it – there are a fuckton of rights, privileges and responsibilities laid out in the US Code. I'm thinking that a permit probably wouldn't grant you spousal benefits with Social Security or Veterans stuff. It might get you a special provisional admittance into certain military things. Since it's just a permit, though, you obviously don't get the full thing. Think of it as a learner's permit, but, instead of learning how to drive, you're learning how to be married.

Probably, it'll grant you the right to file joint tax returns. It'll be up to the insurance companies whether or not to grant coverage to the probationary spouse.

Does this sound like a lot of work? Good. Getting married is too damn easy as it is.

The permit lasts for two years. If you still want to get married at the end of that two years, you can apply for a 'civil union license'. If not, it expires, and that's it. If you want out before that, you can cancel the permit.

If you cancel the permit and break up and get back together, and want to reapply, you're going to have to wait. First 'offence' would probably be 90 days; second would be about six months. Third: a year. Do it again, and you'll probably be denied. Stop wasting everyone's time with your drama.

You might be able to renew it, if you, for whatever reason, feel you aren't ready to move on. I'm not sure how long renewals will last. It's not really required, but it'll smooth things along if you can't be bothered to meet certain other requirements.

Want to skip all this? You can, if you're both over, say, 25, have provably lived together for at least two years, and...possibly some other requirements. You can skip over the permit and head straight to....

Step 2: Civil Union License

Yes. Here it is. The license. The thing that grants you all 1,138 rights, benefits, responsibilities, privileges, and possibly penalties.

If you're under 25 and have gone through the permit process [meaning you've lived together for two and a half years total], or, if you [and your intended spouse] are both over 25 and have lived together for two years, you can apply for a civil union license.

Am I repeating myself? Yeah. But I think I'm trying to make a point here.

Don't ask me what it is; I'm not entirely sure yet....

Once you've gotten to this point, you've already got a trial period under your belt. You haven't killed each other over the wet towels on the bathroom floor. You've got routines worked out, learned that a relationship is work and compromise and not even a little bit about horseback rides down beaches at sunset.

Also, you're reaching the end of that first stage, and potentially moving away from the 'insatiable lustbunny' part of the relationship, and into the slightly more 'comforting just being together' part. Mostly, though, you've learned to coexist, which is good. In the current system, you could find yourself suddenly living with someone you never lived with before, and...if you've never had a roommate, you might not understand why this is a horrible idea.

You might've also figured out whether or not you're sexually compatible. This is kinda a big deal. One of you wants an open relationship, but the other doesn't? That's going to be an issue. Fetishes don't mesh? Might not work. These are things you need to work out – and I'm not just talking about in this hypothetical system I'm inventing.

Getting back to the convoluted mess I'm making, though: the application process. I'm thinking that, somewhere in there, it might be a good idea to require STD testing for both parties. Hell, it might be a good idea to require that for the permit. The application process could include the optional 'delay of approval' if the couple wishes to include some sort of external contract [a prenuptial agreement] or, if it happens to be important for whatever reason, fertility testing. These things wouldn't be required unless the couple agrees that they should be.

There would probably be a sort of short interview process in which the couple sits down with someone to go over the details, making sure everyone involved knows what they're getting into, assuring full disclosure and all that. Then, once everything is verified, in order, and reasonably comprehended, you're issued your 'civil union license'.

Oh, by the way, you'll have to renew it. If you want to remain spouses, that is. It's not as big a deal as getting it issued. Both parties need to be present. There may be a way to do this digitally – like the online renewal of drivers' licenses – but both parties have to agree to it.

See what I did there? I did away with divorce. Ha ha.

Okay, not entirely. There are still situations in which the civil union might be dissolved early. For example: you just found out that your previously perfect husband is sneaking into your daughter's room for a little midnight buggery. In most cases, though, it'd be much easier to just let the license expire. If your previously decent spouse suddenly turns into an abusive shithead, and you just wanted to escape and forget about it, you could. He or she wouldn't be able to renew the license without you.

Lawyers needn't worry too much; I'm sure they'll still be needed to sort out bitter property and custody disputes after licenses are left to expire. In situations without kids, however, where the couple is no longer a couple [one has changed, they can no longer stand living together, whatever], it just...seems much simpler this way. No more long, drawn out divorces. No more finding out that you're still married because some idiot didn't get the papers filed by a certain date.

Yeah, okay, I'm basing all this rather heavily on the driver's license model, but it just seems appropriate to me. People change; sometimes people change a lot. You jump into a relationship young, you're not really done becoming whoever you're going to be. Neither is the other person. And, yeah, I know that's true even past 25.

This is obviously a very rough plan. I'm not entirely sure how to account for people coming in from another country to become the spouse of an American. I think that, whatever it may be, it'd be convoluted enough that it might reduce the number of purchased brides. That could be a benefit.

As I mentioned before, people who are already 'married' under the current system would remain married. They could choose to opt into the 'renewal' process, but, if they didn't want to, renewal wouldn't be required. They would simply remain married. Rather, they would have a 'civil union' that didn't require renewal.

The number of years between renewal would probably vary, and there could be an option to renew for a different number of years. Two or five or, at some later point, even ten. And, if you make it to a certain number of years together [after a certain age, possibly], you could make it 'permanent'.

If you'd rather just get married, go ahead. Have the ceremony. But remember: the 'rights' only apply to the governmentally issued contract. Church + State != nummy peanutbutter cups, so stop trying to mix them up. You'll just end up with a nasty, icky jar of premixed peanutbutter and green jalapeño jelly.

Why all this? Partly because a bunch of whiny little brats don't want those nasty, nasty homosexuals playing in their sandbox because ew gay cooties I might catch the homosex oh no, but not entirely. I mostly just think that a lot of things could be avoided if people just stopped jumping into marriage the instant they meet someone who makes their insides feel all squidgy.

There might be easier ways to fix that second issue. The first bit [gay marriage] would just require repealing [and possibly burning] the Defense of Marriage Act, and replacing it with a 'Gays are people, too, so STFU Act' [or whatever]. The second? Maybe, instead of abstinence-only sex-ed, we could consider...something a little more realistic. Say, 'Not having sex is okay, but, if you're gonna, here's how to be careful, and why' education...possibly with a bit of 'oh, and here's a bunch of stuff you should expect when you get into that sort of relationship' education. Teach them a bit about the difference between 'lust' and the sort of love that goes with a long-term relationship. Maybe teach them about how a relationship involves compromise and hardship and really very little in the way of gallant knights who are also well-paid professionals zipping up in their modern equivalent of a noble steed to rescue the swooning maiden....

Yeah. I know. Schools teaching that? The knight/swooning maiden thing is far more likely. So: permits, licenses, renewals.

That's...pretty much it. My wonderfully awful idea.

Instead, I'm just going to...talk about this...mad, gibbering horror of a series. Get it out of my system; say a few things I forgot to cover in the...well, they're not reviews, are they? And they're too long to be called summaries. I don't know what they are any more.

See, I can't review things. I'm either 'that sucked' or 'play by play of suck'. I haven't found a proper balance, and I probably never will. It's something I just can't be good at.

Who cares, though? This is my website. I'll put stuff here, and, if it displeases you, that's really not my problem. I'm actually comfy with sitting here, rambling to myself.

If you do want to read them, you should probably read them in order. Here, have a list:

• Twilight
• New Moon
• Eclipse
• Breaking Dawn: Book One
• Breaking Dawn: Book Two
• Breaking Dawn: Book Three

As with all things on the internet, this post will be waiting here for you when you get done.

If you've read them, you'll know that I made no secret of my dislike for the entire series. I've technically read the entire thing twice now, and that's more than enough to have a reasonably informed opinion regarding degrees of suckitude.

Other readers will have formed their own opinions, of course. When you read something, you see what you want to see, or what you know. With a series like this, it's incredibly easy to read into what's there, because there's so little.

Yes, it borrows heavily from so-called 'classics' – but what doesn't? It's nearly impossible to write something without referencing another work, even inadvertently. This series does it clumsily, though. There's no subtlety, with 'references' coming across more like a very ham-handed product placement. The best thing that can be said about them is that, when their appearance slams you out of the already stuttering and sluggish flow of the story line, it's a kindness.

That the story itself is unoriginal can't be held against it; so many stories are. The trick is to take that same old plot and make it your own, if not in a unique way, then in a way that doesn't seem tedious because it has interesting characters. I'm not sure that Stephenie Meyer has done that here. I'm not even sure that she was interested in doing that.

The story itself comes off as if Meyer were following the instructions off a store-bought box.

Place into bag:

• Tortured, conscience-having vampire(s).
• Other fantastic, shape-shifting beings.
• Antagonist.
• Subjects of 'social commentary value' – racism, abstinence, et cetera.
• A main character serving as an idealised representation of the author.*
• Everyday locations.

Shake, mixing thoroughly. Bake. Adjective and adverb to taste, and serve.

*For a more palatable dish, exclude this ingredient.

It's Shake&Bake: Fanfiction [G-PG rating].

I suppose I could be falling into the same trap everyone else does, but...really. Vampires living off animal blood? They might even have souls? The uncommon, endearingly-clumsy female – whose clumsiness ends up drawing in the vampire, who feels the need to protect her. He stalks her, watches her while she sleeps, and, eventually, they get married and have babies? I overthought the recipe. All you have to do is take the Buffy/Angel relationship, reduce it so that no redeeming qualities are left [shouldn't take long], and dive right in.

Maybe I'm too old – maybe I've always been too old – to understand what sort of appeal these sorts of stories hold for anyone. Shallow, fluffy romance where you know everything will come out fine in the end. A little too fine, with everyone surviving.

These are exactly those sorts of books. A fake tension hook in the beginning – and, if you were fooled by the first one, the second one really shouldn't – and a resolution that leaves everything but your faith in a good, plausible story [even if it is about the supernatural] alive and well.

Why can't a secondary character die? Yes, it hurts; yes, if you've done your job as an author, we've become emotionally attached to the character. It should make us cry. We should be left feeling something. Anything that can't be fixed with a dose of pepto and The Talisman.

I don't care what you think of Stephen King's ability as a writer, or if it instantly makes you question my qualifications to even have an opinion on anything anyone's written, ever. When he killed Wolf in The Talisman [and I'm sure it was him, and not Straub, because he does it all the time], he made me cry. Yes. I cried. Because I fucking cared about Wolf; King made me care about Wolf.

Honestly, I'm not sure where my problem is. It could be with Meyer for this saccharine little Mary Sue dreamworld she conjured for herself, and foisted onto an undeserving public; It could be with the fact that, as it turns out, the public does deserve it, after all.

I suppose I can't blame young, immature females for lapping up this godawful swill. They're probably looking for something safe and comforting, and a fictional world in which even the nightmare creatures are safe, where nobody ever dies, is probably the safest thing they can get their too-clean little hands on. What the fuck is up with the older women, though?

Why the fuck do we have things like this:

Seriously? Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Does your love for this series stem from a history of reading Harlequin Romance? I hope so, because that's all these books are. Harlequin Romance novels lacking 'turgid manhoods' and breasts springing forth like startled pheasants when loosed from their restraints. If the USA Network were to get ahold of and edit your standard bodice ripper, you'd have Twilight.

If only Lifetime had gotten it, instead. Then, we'd have Bella escaping, pregnant, to a shelter for abused women, desperately fleeing her past, possibly reconnecting with estranged family and putting them at risk while they try to protect her from her abusive stalker of an ex that she married [against their advise] fresh out of highschool. She might even lose the baby.

It's a movie done a hundred times over by Lifetime, but it's still better than Twilight.

I think I've run out of things to say. When I post this, I'll probably think of a few dozen more things I'd intended to say, but I think I'll leave it here. I'd like to repeat my heartfelt thankyous to the person who leaked Midnight Sun [you're a real-life masked superhero, whoever you are], and to everyone who actually read the other six posts. It's been an ordeal [60 pages now; I'm so proud of myself]; thanks for suffering with me.

If you'd like, we can all meet up for cake and suicide. I promise, the cake isn't a lie.

No longer just a nightmare, the line of black advanced on us through the icy mist stirred
up by their feet.

We’re going to die, I thought in panic. I was desperate for the precious one I guarded, but even to think of that was a lapse in attention I could not afford.

They ghosted closer, their dark robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They drifted apart, angling to come at us from all sides. We were outnumbered. It was over.

And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet nothing changed—the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.

--Breaking Dawn Book Three Prologue

We get to relive the birthing from the last book, but from Bella's perspective. She's bewildered by the pain. So are we; we'd like it to end. Death? Kthxbai.

Many, many pages about burning pain and trying to hold back the darkness. Not even Stephen King has spent this many pages describing something.

'Let me die, let me die, let me die.'

Yes. Please. Let her die. Let this fucking series die already.

A whole chapter spent on describing the burning of transformation. But, now, we're in for another truckfull of modifiers. She's awake.

She's a vampire. And she can see all manner of things to describe in the same old flowery way, with the same old words. Apparently, becoming a vampire doesn't give you an exhaustive knowledge of the English language.

Not that I can even begin to understand how she sees things clearly, since she can now see 'ultraviolet'.

Here are the same old words being used to describe all the new things she can smell and hear, and how clear everything remains even though her movements take less than a second.

She spazzes over Edward touching her, identifies herself as the danger everyone's prepared for, then sees Edward for the first time with her shiny new ability to see an eight-coloured rainbow.

Yes. She describes his amazing new perfection; his voice, too. I get the feeling that the word 'perfect' is going to be used a lot.

She frets over her friends, her daughter, her father, and why she isn't currently a mindless beast wanting nothing but blood. She's 'thirsty', but she also wants to have 'the sex'.

Of course she's not a mindless beast. That would be too normal, too expected, too realistic. Mary Sues are never any of these things; they are always possessed of amazing, unlikely skills, like being a new vampire with the control of one that's lived for at least a decade.

She throws herself at Edward, hurting him. Because, see, newborn vampires are stronger than old vampires.

Oh, hey, let's dump another vampire ability on the table. It's called 'having lots of room in your head to think about many things at once'. Bella, honey, there's always been room in your head. Your brain is an unfurnished apartment. No, it's an unfinished apartment building. Just the barest hints of the wooden frame stacked off to the side, a big hole where the foundation will be someday. Why do you think Edward can't read anything in there? There's nothing to read.

Her voice has changed. It 'rings and shimmers like a bell.' Translation: it's even more annoying now.

She forgets that they're not the only two in the room; kissing ensues. When she's reminded that they're not alone, she notes that she'd been 'curved around Edward' in a way that 'was not exactly polite for company.'

Rough translation: their bodies were within, say, three inches of touching.

Carlisle asks how she feels, prompting another 'look how fast I do things now!' moment. She spends a whole 'sixty-fourth of a second' considering this question.

Some more fretting – out loud this time – gets slopped on top of the overdescription of everything. Bella doesn't want to tell anyone about how much it hurt while she was 'changing' – it only took two days, another Mary Sue Miracle. She wants to see her daughter, except she's too 'thirsty'. Such amazing self control!

Charlie's been given a story about how Bella's off being tested at the CDC; Bella wants to call him, but her voice is so different now....

Just when you think they're finally off to hunt down some poor, unsuspecting mountain lion, Alice demands that Bella look in a mirror.

You know what's coming. That's right – Bella describing how amazingly beautiful she is now. And being scared by her own reflexion.

That last bit? I'm thinking it's not exactly a new experience for her.

Jasper comments on her amazing emotional control. Because he can read emotions. And we need to be reminded of that. Edward still can't read her thoughts, though.

“I guess my brain will never work right. At least I'm pretty.”

Yes, adoring tween masses, this is your role model. This is what you should aspire to. Prettiness, and a malfunctioning brain. It's sure to land you a cold, abusive – but rich! – stalker.

They're off to hunt, but only in a way that gives the readers a chance to be buried under all manner of details about how impressively skilled and overdressed she is. The words 'tightly fitted ice-blue silk' are used. Also, 'stilettos'.

It doesn't matter, of course. She jumps out of a second-storey window without snapping a heel. She has the stunning grace of a Mary Sue vampire, after all.

Time to jump across a river. First, though, we have to destroy the completely disposable dress by ripping it to allow for running. Vampirism, it seems, comes with an immediate conversion to 'gold medal gymnast', helping her jump twice as far as Edward, and use the tree branch for some fancy catch and dismount.

Hunting is nothing more than an excuse to describe more things, with a heavy dose of still talking too goddamn much about Edward's perfect perfectness. We learn about her incredible new sense of direction, and how Elk blood is stinky, like river water...or something.

There are humans in the area. She goes off after them, but stops herself. Edward, ignorant of the common traits of your stock character serving as fantasy avatars for the author, can't figure out how she did this.

She catches a scent, and races off to take down a mountain lion, giving us the opportunity to hear all about how the claws can't hurt her, and how sharp and amazing her new teeth are.

Which kinda makes me wonder – does she have fangs? Do vampires in this bullshit universe have fangs at all? They're never mentioned. It's always just 'sharp teeth'. Does this mean all their teeth are sharp? What the hell is going on here, anyway? It's shocking that this author, so fond of punishing us by pointlessly repeating the same details, completely glossed over this one aspect of vampiric anatomy.

I wonder why. Maybe she got a set of those little fang caps, and didn't like how she looked in them?

The dress, destroyed by the big cat, has gone from silk to satin. I know it's possible to have satin made out of silk, but...wow, that's just...clumsier than usual. And you'd think she would've spent a line or two talking about it earlier. Also, it's destroyed, so she's walking around mostly naked.

And, hey, it's been a few pages, let's describe Edward again. Edward's hunting; Bella's watching. Bella wants to see Renesmee now. She feels wrong, because Renesmee is no longer inside her.

Bella describes her love for Edward, and thinks that maybe this is her 'amazing power' that she got when she was turned. The ability to love Edward more than anybody's ever loved anyone else.

Anyone else feeling a bit queasy?

We've got to introduce a new character, though. Renesmee's warmer than average, with a faster heartbeat, and she sleeps. Vampires don't sleep; their daughter already sleeps through the night. Insert forced joke here.

She's intelligent, and can communicate in a way that's 'difficult to describe' – I'm sure we'll hear all about it, though. She drinks blood, and won't touch baby formula.

Jacob's waiting for them when they return, to protect Renesmee. Bella can't figure out why he'd want to do this, or why she no longer needs him around the way she used to.

They banter about who smells worse. Everyone but Leah is entertained. Then, they argue about whether or not Bella is ready to meet Renesmee.

Guess what! That's right. More description. Renesmee is 'impossibly beautiful' with 'adult' and 'aware' 'chocolate brown eyes.' And she smiles with perfect white teeth.

Pages are spent on the meeting and the approach, before she actually holds the thing that killed her. Then, we encounter the 'hard to describe' ability. Not so difficult now.

Her ability? She touches you, and shows you her memories.

See how easy that was? No need to spend a lot of time on it. That's it. A few simple words, and it's explained thoroughly. But, no, we have to experience the first time Renesmee saw Bella.

Remember the imprinting thing? Bella just did. She finally figures out why Jacob's so protective of Renesmee.

Bella has a surprisingly rational reaction...and then gets a little selfish. See, she's only held Renesmee once, but Jacob has some sort of claim on her. So not fair.

She wants Jacob to leave. I kinda want everyone to leave before they get back into details. No chance. Time to hear all about how this was why they were so attached before.

Yeah. It makes no sense. But Nessie likes him.

Yeah. Nessie. Because Renesmee is really long, and also stupid. Nessie is somehow less stupid.

This, apparently, is the last straw. The nickname. She goes for Jacob's throat...and Seth intervenes. He gets a broken collarbone for his troubles.

Seth's fine with that, though. No real harm done. She didn't bite him; vampire venom is poisonous to werewolves.

...hey. That sounds like a plan. Bite them while they set you on fire. Happy, happy. The End.

Nessie isn't venomous, though; she bites Jacob all the time, when she doesn't get fed quickly enough.

Yes. I'll be calling it Nessie from now on.

Recap time. The truce between the packs and the Cullens is stronger now, because killing the object of an imprinting is forbidden. Alphas can talk to each other in wolf form, but only if they want to.

Pages of memories, and worrying about Charlie, and it's time to measure Nessie. See, she grows so quickly that Carlisle wants to study it.

Nessie's annoyed, and wants to go to Bella to show her a memory of Bella attacking Jacob. It's not just pictures, it seems, but also feelings. Bella gets a hint of possessiveness from Nessie regarding Jacob.

She also shares Rosalie brushing her hair, which seems like a strange, trite way of conveying the point that tactile sensations are also in these shared memories.

Nevermind. It's another 'here's what you missed' thing. She passes on the measurement routine with disinterest, and a memory of feeding, which causes everyone to overreact.

Jasper storms off in a huff because of Bella's control.

Nessie's back with Bella, telling her more stories about what she missed. They start getting blurry, and she falls asleep. Bella decides to try and see what would happen if she re-establishes contact – because Nessie's gift only works when she touches...possibly the person's face – and gets to see Nessie's dreams.

Aw.

Oh, it's Bella's birthday. Her human birthday. Time for a little tantrum.

Her gift? A house. No, I'm sorry, a cottage. Blah blah, magic, blah, unicorns, blah, Snow White, blah, perfect. Closet the size of the cottage.

Words. And sex. But not words about sex. Words dancing around sex. Skirting the topic like some prude with an affinity for flowery words writing a Christian Bodice Ripper.

After a trip into the closet, we're back to find Nessie mangling silverware. Made from actual silver. Because they're so disgustingly wealthy.

Here comes an exciting new trend in jokes. Emmett, about Bella and Edward and sex. Except they're...well, not. He asks if the cottage is still standing, and whether they were discussing the national debt, and about how Bella will ace everything at Dartmouth because she has nothing better to do at night.

Charlie's on his way. Because Jacob told him about...stuff. Not vampires, just werewolves. Jacob 'phased' in front of him – which, apparently, was very entertaining, because it involved him stripping.

Charlie wanted to know if Bella could change into an animal, too. 'She wishes she were that cool,' was the response, though, maybe not in those words. It was probably 'was', not 'were'. No, she just looks more like Esme than Renee now.

Charlie demands to be told as little as possible about the entire thing.

What did he say about Nessie? The words 'Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson' are used.

'I'm like a grandfather?' This, apparently, makes him happy, even though he was upset by the idea earlier in the book.

Throughout all this explaining, Bella was holding Nessie to keep from killing Jacob.

Alice has contact lenses for Bella, which Bella will have to replace regularly because the venom in her eyes will dissolve them.

THE. VENOM. IN. HER. EYES.

Got that? Venom. In her eyes.

Wrap your poor, beleaguered brain around that.

Fucking venom. In her fucking eyes.

I suddenly have a new perspective on life. Revenge of the Fallen is suddenly good. Brilliant, even. Robot gonads and all.

They give her tips on acting human – blinking, fidgeting, sitting, moving the shoulders to simulate breathing while not breathing in the tasty, tasty human smell.

Edward explains the situation to Nessie, telling her that she can't show Charlie things the way she does everyone else. Also, tasty as he may smell, she can't bite him.

Bella panics. Bella's suddenly horny. Jasper tells her to focus.

Charlie's mad, and hurt, and a bunch of other emotions Bella lists from reading his face. He isn't sure it's Bella. She looks different, and her voice is different. See, venom, it changes you. Gives you extra chromosomes and everything.

...and eye venom.

Charlie sees Nessie – and calls her that. Bella corrects him. Charlie wants to know if she's sure about making him a grandfather at such a young age. Carlisle – who's now described as 'Zeus' younger, better looking brother' – is a grandpa now, too, y'know. So that's okay.

Bella interrupts, getting possessive.

After a good look, Charlie starts trying to figure out when Bella could've given birth. Because he recognises features, and all that.

Jacob reminds him that it's 'need to know.'

Nessie waves at Charlie.

Charlie wants people to stop lying to him. And he wants to know how much Jacob's father knows about all this.

Emmett interrupts, cheering on a game he's watching on TV, and making more pathetic sex jokes. Charlie goes to watch the game with him. Football seems like a preferable alternative to these books....

Charlie has to leave for dinner now, with Jacob's dad and Seth's mom [Sue]. Bella lets him hold the now sleeping Nessie. She tells Charlie that Nessie has his curls, and promises that she'll try to stay close. Charlie assures her that he still loves her.

We learn Nessie's middle name. Carlie. Supposedly, a combination of Carlisle and Charlie.

Charlie is, for some strange reason, pleased with the name Renesmee Carlie.

You know what would be great here, right now? Arm wrestling. Because arm wrestling is so awesome. They even made an entire movie about it once, that's how awesome it is. So let's have some. But not on the table; it's an antique, and Esme's fond of it.

Bella and Emmett. Boulder. Arm wrestling. And innuendo about Emmett and Rosalie smashing up houses with their sexery.

Bella wins, breaking the boulder. Bella karate chops the boulder in two. Nessie laughs. Jacob thinks Bella should have more dignity; Nessie conveys that she wants less dignity.

The Twilight series collapses in on itself, becoming the most undignified singularity ever. A singularity in golf pants, and maybe a clowny little bowtie.

The sun comes out, and everyone sparkles. Bella muses on what it's like to suddenly be 'the best' at something, thinking she must've been born to be a vampire.

Not born, just...contrived.

Bella thinks about the Fates, and the tapestry they'd weave from her family and her life. She lists the threads, because this is an excuse for more filling in. Quil and Embry have joined Jacob's pack. Sue visits with Charlie. Jasper hovers, and this annoys Bella. Edward explains that it's because she's so happy, and Jasper can't resist a chance to feel that sort of thing.

He's what you'd call an emotional vampire, I guess. Hurr.

Nessie speaks her first word. Words. Sentence, even. She takes her first perfect little steps. Alice and Rosalie make a baby album. Nessie's described as a perfectly proportioned 'little adult'.

Nessie reads, without being taught. Tennyson. Out loud.

They begin to wonder if her accelerated growth means that she'll die in fifteen years. We can only hope, but we should know better by now. They discuss turning her, but it's too risky. She's too like Jacob, which might mean she'll die instead of turning.

Suddenly, there's also the matter of the Volturi. Bella wants to go see them alone, to show them that she's been turned. They'd been sent a wedding announcement, and had sent back a gift: a gold necklace with a 'white diamond the size of a golfball' in an ornate wooden box described as a 'priceless treasure'.

Supposedly, this gaudy-sounding piece of crap has something to do with 'the crown jewels'.

Plans are made. Alice sees indistinct, and often unrelated bits of the future. Bella, Nessie, and Jacob are off to hunt.

Nessie sees her first snow. She jumps fifteen feet into the air to catch a snowflake.

Irina – one of the Denali clan – sees them hunting, and concludes that the Cullens have made an immortal child.

We're probably not supposed to know that yet, because Bella thinks it's because of the werewolves.

More planning. They want to track down some legends about children like Nessie, in the Amazon.

Alice drops a vase.

The Volturi are coming. All of them. The full guard, and even the wives. When there's snow on the ground. Possibly in a month.

That translates into...at least a hundred more pages. A few thousand adjectives and adverbs. Untold eternities of suffering.

Irina went to them, but they'd already decided to come anyway. Bella figures it out. Immortal children.

Emmett thinks they should fight. Call in both packs; call in their friends. Even if they don't fight, the numbers should make the Volturi pause.

A whole new list of names. Lots of new characters. Tanya, Siobhan, Amun, Garrett, Mary, Alistair, Peter, Charlotte, Kachiri, Zafrina, Senna, Eleazar.

Alice and Jasper leave, telling everyone else to hurry and find them all.

And by leave, I mean leave. As in gone. Bailed. Across pack lands, and into the ocean, where we never have to hear Jasper called 'Jazz' again. We wish we could join them in leaving this story.

Sam's sorry for letting her through. He'll stand with them, because of his obligation to Jacob's imprinting.

Despair. Woe. Emo. They'll fight; they'll die.

I wish.

Bella and Edward follow Alice's scent to their cottage; Bella figures out that the note Alice left for the family was written on a page torn out of one of her old books. She's left another note – an address in Seattle, with instructions to destroy it. The note; not Seattle.

Back at the Cullen residence, everyone's prepared to head off in different directions to gather everyone needed. Edward and Bella are to stay behind and carefully introduce Nessie to everyone they send back.

Bella tries to look up the address Alice left for her. Two paragraphs are spent describing the faux-absent-minded way she strokes the keys, and a lot of wondering about whether or not vampires ever did anything like this.

Bella's sad. Bella's scared. Nessie leaps into her arms, shares some thoughts, and tries to comfort Bella.

Fretting. Questions. And more Jesus Approved™ sex.

Bella asks to be taught how to fight, which leads to learning about the Volturi's abilities. Jane makes you feel burning; Alec [her twin brother?] cuts off all your senses. No sight, no hearing, nothing to smell. Also, no pain.

I'm confident in stating that this series would be roughly x times more tolerable while under the influence of Alec's ability, if x is the largest number you can come up with.

If you prefer to be realistic: this series would be that tolerable if you were in a sensory deprivation tank, and someone outside that tank were reading it to you.

Oh. While Jane can only hurt one person, Alec can deprive everyone of their senses at once. Forget realism; we don't have enough isolation tanks.

Bella considers sacrificing herself as a diversion, thinking that the gifted Volturi guard have probably never had to fight physically.

Good idea. Great idea. Go for it.

She thinks about taking out Demitri, the Volturi's tracker. That's his special ability. Super tracking skillz.

Then there's the person they're supposed to ask about the Volturi – Eleazar. He used to be in the guard, but was too compassionate. He's now with the Denali clan. Or coven. Y'know what? I've already called them a clan before; coven's just too retarded, like Renesmee.

It just occurred to me that we're going to see a flood of horrid little girls named Renesmee. I'm just not sure if, upon meeting one, we should call it 'Nessie'. That might give them the wrong impression.

Whatever. Eleazar's gift was feeling the gifts of others. These gifts are getting silly.

That's what he did for the Volturi. He warned them of potential trouble, or, more typically, of which ones to spare. Also, which humans to turn.

The Denalis are almost here; Nessie worries that they won't like her. She has no images for her feelings right now.

Bella tells her that she's very special, and that the problem will be getting them to understand that. Nessie shows Bella that she doesn't fit in anywhere. She blames herself for the stress she sees them suffering.

Is it possible for a fanfic to have two Mary Sues? This is one area where I'm woefully underinformed. When a Mary Sue has a daughter, is the daughter also a Mary Sue? Is Mary Sueness genetic? In this case, it hasn't obviously transferred, leaving the mother an empty...well, an emptier shell of a character than she already was. So, what now?
No time for that, though. The Denalis are here. Edward goes to explain the situation, while Bella, Jacob, and Nessie wait in the...kitchen? Dining room? I forget, and I don't want to check. I want to get this finished.

The Denalis are worried. Carlisle said he needed to see them, but he's not here. What the fuck is going on, exactly?

Edward asks them to be open-minded about being dragged bodily into the story. He asks them to listen to what's in the other room – two heartbeats, one fast like a bird – and to smell what smells like a human, but not quite.

Bella brings Nessie into the room. They all panic, perhaps understanding that they're about to commit to being involved in the last few chapters of this crap. They go on about rules and understanding.

Edward reminds them that they can hear Nessie's heartbeat, and tells them how Bella gave birth while human.

Carmen falls instantly in love with Nessie.

Nessie wants to tell Carmen about it, in her own special way. Carmen consents, asking if she can speak. Of course she can; Nessie tells her she can show her more than she can tell her, though.

Like many of the other descriptions of Nessie, the word 'dimpled' is used.

Carmen believes what she's shown, perhaps not understanding that it'd be far too easy to lie and show imagined things.

She shows Eleazar. We're in for a lot of this.

He confirms that she's not an immortal child; Tanya asks where the danger is, since it's not Nessie. She assumes it has something to do with the Volturi.

Irina, of course. She went to the Volturi. Irina was one of the Denalis. They can't believe she'd do this to the Cullens. Edward explains that they're all coming, including the wives.

Eleazar says this is impossible. As mentioned before in the book, the wives never leave 'the tower'.

Tanya says they can't win this fight. Edward says this isn't about fighting; they're just looking for witnesses.

Edward explains that Nessie's growing quickly, and, that, by the time of the fight [in a month], Nessie will look a year older.

Tanya pledges that they'll be witnesses to her development; the rest of the clan follows.

Bella's ability finally gets a name, revealing why Eleazar's here. She's a 'shield', and she must be a powerful one to have been blocking Edward's ability to read her thoughts while human.

More information about the guard coming. This time, it's Renata, Aro's personal bodyguard. Renata's ability is...diverting people. If someone were to try and attack Aro, they'd find themselves going in another direction, confused.

Here's Kate [a Denali] to talk about her ability, since we're suddenly talking about whether or not Bella can project hers around others the way Renata can. Kate can't – she can only spread it over her skin.

Bella grabs Kate, begging her to teach this projection thing, and conveniently revealing that Kate's ability doesn't work on Bella. She's a human taser. Anyone who touches her is electrocuted.

Eleazar and Edward have been talking during all this. Eleazar's feeling self-loathing – a common side-effect of exposure to this storyline – about his time with the Volturi. He's remembering other times vampire clans have been punished, and how they form a pattern.

Aro never attends these things, unless there's something he wants. Evidence turns up, and everyone goes off to punish the group. Aro then pardons someone specific, claiming their thoughts are especially repentant. That vampire would always be grateful – because it's such an honour? No. Because another of the guard, Chelsea, has a gift that allows her to influence emotional ties between groups and individuals, either making them stronger, or undoing them. She keeps the Volturi bound together, and keeps clans from fighting as one.

What she can't do is affect the emotional bonds between mates, or especially strong devotions like those that form between the members of the vegetarian covens. See, eating only nonhuman animals makes them more civilised.

What's all this mean? They know why Aro and everyone else is coming. Aro wants to acquire someone. He needs the full guard to protect him. Leaving the others unprotected in the city isn't safe, so the wives come too.

Edward says that Aro's never wanted anything more than he's wanted Alice. Ah hah. This must be why Alice left.

...probably not, though.

And I'm not just saying this because I have the gift of 'having read the ending'. No, that's not my gift. My gift is being able to see the obvious happy ending outcome, even if I haven't read the book. I knew what was going on before it happened. Aren't I special....

The rest of the introductions are mostly glossed over, but more characters are introduced. Alice and Jacob are sending people. Peter and Charlotte arrive, curious. They join.

Clan and coven suddenly become interchangeable in the book. Siobhan, Liam and 'Little Maggie' show up. Maggie's gift is being able to tell when she's being lied to. They join without Nessie's 'explanation'.

Amun's clan arrives; Amun orders his clan to leave. Benjamin – one of Amun's – threatens to leave the clan if they don't stay. Amun relents, but only because he doesn't want to lose Benjamin's gift.

Benjamin can influence the elements. Physically. Amun wants him as a weapon, but Benjamin's too independent.

Garrett arrives. He's an adventurer. Perhaps vegetarianism is his next great adventure. Then, there's some more; Jacob complains that someone needs to create an index. An asterisk at the end of the paragraph indicates that one has been provided at the end of the book.

The Cullens return home. Carlisle brings Alistair with him, and we have our tinfoil hat wearing vampire of the series.

He's suspicious of authority. And reclusive. And stuff. Also, he's a tracker. He feels a pull to whatever he's seeking. He uses it to avoid the Volturi, by running in the opposite direction.

Zafrina and Senna arrive without Kachiri. Alice sent them, saying that she needed Kachiri to help her with something.

Zafrina has a gift, too. She can make people see whatever she wants them to see. The example in the book is 'being alone in a rainforest'.

Nessie wants to see. Nessie spends a lot of time with Zafrina and the 'pretty pictures'; Bella's able to see them through Nessie's memories.

Edward can't stand to teach Bella how to fight. Emmett, Rosalie, Tanya, and Eleazar step in. Others offer to help. Bella learns a few tricks from Zafrina, but refuses to fight her again out of fear.

Kate tries to teach Bella how to project her shield. Bella tries to protect Edward while Kate shocks him. It's not working; Kate thinks Bella needs a better incentive.

She goes after Nessie. Bella gets mad. Descriptively mad. Also, it works. The feeling of the 'shield', and how it changes from a 'band' to a 'film' is described.

She manages to push it out to protect more people, then loses control over it.

Garrett's curious about Kate, because, adventure! He lets himself get shocked.

Unexpected visitors arrive – Romanian vampires with a grudge against the Volturi. They want a fight.

The witnesses get counted – seventeen – and the family – eleven, because members of the Denali insist on being counted as family.

Bella and Jacob take Nessie to see Charlie. Bella leaves Jacob and Nessie there, making a 'Christmas shopping' excuse [because it's that time of year] to go off and check out the address Alice left.

She finds herself in a bad neighbourhood in Seattle, unable to resist describing every detail. She meets someone there, but not 'J Jenks', the person she's looking for. He's just...the guy who knows his number. And gives her the information she needs so she can get what Alice intended.

The guy calls Jenks; Jenks is mad. Is she a 'badge?' No, she looks like a supermodel. [Of course].

Jenks, it turns out, forges 'papers'. And charges a lot.

The guy gives her an address, and she arrives at the law offices of a 'Mr. Scott'.

J, as he's called from now on, is terrified. Of Jasper. And, therefore, of any Cullen.

Bella tries to figure out what Alice meant for her to get, and meant for her to do with Nessie. She tells J that she needs two birth certificates, two passports, and one driver's license. For a Jacob and Vanessa Wolfe. Because Nessie works for Vanessa, and Wolfe = lulz.

Bella wonders how much it'll cost – not that it matters. Cash is stashed in drawers around the Cullen house the way fish hooks are at Charlie's. Rich, y'know. She pays him the entire price up front. J tells her that it's customary to pay half up front. Bella assures him that she trusts him, and will pay him a bonus when she picks up the documents in a week, when they meet up at a restaurant.

She leaves, picks up a locket at an antique store to cover the 'Christmas shopping' excuse, and everyone's back home.

The locket has an inscription. In french. Something meaning 'more than my own life'.

Christmas. Nessie gets the locket, an MP3 player from Edward [filled with his favourite songs], and a braided 'promise ring' style bracelet from Jacob. Edward gets Charlie a fish finder.

Alistair leaves. Declarations of loyalty are made again.

Carlisle asks Siobhan to visualise a peaceful outcome; he has this crazy idea that her 'gift' is just that. The ability to force events to turn out the way she sees them.

Bella, Edward, Jacob and Nessie go hunting. Bella frets, because her shield has holes. Nessie can get into her head, after all.

Edward has a theory. Two, actually. One involves genetics. The other, that she's taken both their abilities and reversed them. She puts her memories into other peoples' heads, and nobody can keep her out.

It's time to pick up the forged documents. J is worried; he respects the Cullens, but wants to be assured that these documents aren't for plans to kidnap a child.

Of course not. Back to the Cullen house we go. Bella tries to figure out what to do with the documents, now that she has them. She goes to Alice's room. Then, to Esme's, to her desk, to try to get a message to Alice. She thinks about Alice seeing what she's doing, and writes 'Rio de Janeiro' on the paper. She puts this, the documents, and 'twice the average yearly income of an average American household' into a little backpack for Nessie to wear.

The preparations are winding down. Bella talks about how she and Edward would not have any final goodbyes; it'd be too much like typing The End at the end of a manuscript.

The snow sticks on New Years Eve.

She says goodbye to Nessie. The locket comes up again – there are pictures of Bella and Edward in it. Bella explains that, when the time comes, Nessie will have to leave her. But don't think of it, and don't tell Jacob until Bella says 'run'.

Bella puts on the tacky golf ball diamond, and prepares for the fight.

The formation is described. Vampires in front; wolves hidden in the trees behind. Jacob comes forward to be with Nessie.

The Volturi arrive. Words are involved. 'Pageantry, synchronicity, beauty'. Grey to black at the centre of the formation, and they expand 'like a fan'. The Volturi outnumber them.

Garrett makes a joke about the red coats coming.

The Romanians mention that the wives came with the group.

More vampires arrive – the Volturi brought their own witnesses.

Edward hears their thoughts. The Volturi are here to destroy and acquire. They have several plans, in case Irina's accusations are false. And they don't intend to stop to hear anything.

The Volturi halt unexpectedly. The wolves came out of the forest. There are more wolves now.

And we're back at the prologue. Bella sees everything with a reddish tinge. She surveys the opposition, and there's mention of 'venom welling in her mouth'.

They stopped, by the way, because they're outnumbered. This is a new experience for them. They don't count the witnesses on their side.

Aro and Carlisle talk.

'Hi, Aro!'

'Hi? What do you mean by that. No, really, why are you saying 'hi' when you obviously mean to kill me?'

'What? No. That's not what I meant by not meeting you alone. Look, I brought cake. It's a party!'

'Your intent doesn't matter. Look what you've done. How could you bring an immortal child to the party? It'll ruin everything.'

'But I didn't.'

'Yes you did. Now I must spank you, Carlisle. And my guard must spank your friends.'

'No, wait, let me explain. I haven't done anything to deserve that. No spankings, please.'

Caius interrupts, castigating Carlisle for all the pointless rules he's made for himself while disregarding this very important rule about immortal children.

Carlisle denies that Nessie's a vampire, and that he's assembled a battalion. They're just witnesses.

Caius calls for the informer. Irina steps out. Caius hits her.

Irina isn't sure Nessie's the child she saw. Nessie's changed so much. Grown.

Aro steps in to stop the beating, and reads Irina's memories. 'Yes. The child has obviously grown.'

Aro wants to know more, though. We must have more information about this breach before we can consider cake over spankings. He wants to read Edward's thoughts; he assumes that Edward is involved, since Nessie clings to 'Edward's newborn mate'.

Edward steps up to be read. Jane gives a smug little smile, and Bella snaps, throwing her shield out to cover all her allies in a not-so-surprising twist of events. Naturally, she'd come through in the end.

The words 'mushroom cloud of liquid steel' are used.

She instantly understands that any previous resistance she'd felt was of her own making. She'd been clinging to it. Now that she's let go, it's all so easy. She can feel everyone she's protecting like 'sparks' of 'light' or heat...or something. And she's able to control the shape of it, forming it around individuals like saran wrap.

She gloats for a moment, then decides that she shouldn't be protecting Edward. The exchange needs to take place.

Having read Edward, Aro wants to meet Nessie. They meet in the middle of the field.

Caius demands to know what Nessie is, referring to her as 'it'.

Well, Caius, it is the unfortunate spawn of a Mary Sue and her long, drawn out affair with a four book fantasy.

Nessie shows Aro a few things; Aro becomes curious about the wolves. Aro's wondering if they could be made into guard dogs for his clan.

Aro must discuss these new facts with his brothers now, so we're off to a new chapter.

There will, for now, be no cake. But no immediate spankings, either.

While Aro and Caius argue, Bella experiments with her shield. She doesn't like the empty space of the dome she's made, so she tries to pull it in and wrap it tightly around individuals. Oh, Bella, you're so talented.

She discovers that she can protect all of the wolves by only protecting the alphas of the packs. So talented. So clever.

We find out that werewolves are real, but the wolves here aren't werewolves. It's the middle of the day, so they can't be 'children of the moon'.

The argument continues. 'They know our secret,' but 'they're supernatural creatures, so it's allowed.' They're trying to come up with an excuse to 'exact justice'.

Caius wants to speak to Irina again. Why did she tattle? Because of the Immortal Child, who...isn't. Also, because the Cullens side with the wolves, who killed a friend of hers.

Irina declares that there's been no crime. She holds no grudge against the Cullens.

The guard kills Irina. Words like 'metallic screeching' are used. Apparently, that's the sound made by a vampire being torn apart. I can't be sure if it's a vocal thing, or the sound of vampire teeth on vampire flesh.

Her death is meant to cause an attack. Kate and Tanya want to retaliate; the rest try to stop them. Zafrina...illusions them, and Garrett tries to stop Kate from moving; Amazing Bella uses her Wonder Shield to protect him while not protecting Kate.

The Volturi's witnesses are beginning to doubt the events. They're not sure what Irina's crime was, not understanding that being in this book is all the excuse anyone needs for destruction.

Aro has a new plan. He wants to talk to some of the witnesses.

Amun tells of what he's seen, and requests that he be allowed to leave.

Siobhan confirms what Amun said, adding that Nessie is no threat to their secrecy, as she blends in far better and learns faster than she grows.

Aro gets speechy.

Garrett wants to get speechy. He came to witness for Nessie, and also to see what the Volturi would do. He tells the Volturi's witnesses that the Volturi are here to wipe out the competition. He encourages the Volturi's witnesses to join the other side. They're likely to be destroyed either way.

Aro tells the witnesses that they may leave if they wish. Some do.

The Volturi go off to talk a bit. Bella tells Nessie and Jacob to run when she tells them to, and that Nessie has what's necessary to get them out of the country.

The four share a tearful goodbye. Because the wolf is crying. Yes, I really just said that.

More pledges are made. Garrett says he'll follow Kate anywhere.

The battle begins. But not really. Chelsea is trying to break down their relationships. Edward can hear her thoughts; she can't figure out why it's not working.

Jane tries for Carlisle, then several others in rapid succession. Then Alec.

Benjamin gets showy, revealing that he was probably created to make more work for the crappy CG team working on the movie.

They start deciding who gets to kill who. Aro interrupts, offering the gifted members of the opposition a place in the guard. Chelsea attempts to influence them, but can't breach the WonderShield.

How do you spice up a book? Without using a debate or a conference? Voting!

The three brothers vote; Aro has the deciding vote. Edward interrupts him, asking if they could be allowed to live if Aro knew for certain what Nessie's future held.

Alice has returned. Duh.

She's brought help. Kachiri, and two strangers. Another [male]half human, half vampire, and a female vampire. He's over a century old, and venomous, apparently. His father goes around fucking human women, trying to create a 'master race'.

The Volturi decide to leave the Cullens, Nessie, and the other half-vampire alive, but speak to the father. Nahuel [the boy] requests that his sisters be left alone, because they're innocent.

It's over. Everyone's pleased, except the Romanians.

The parting begins. Zafrina wants Nessie to visit her. Not so loose ends are tied up – Alice left and only gave Bella clues because Bella's a terrible actress.

Nahuel stares at Bella because he hates himself for killing his own mother.

Bella shows Edward that she can let him into her mind.

And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

the end

--Breaking Dawn Book Three Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After

The book ends predictably, with a 'happily ever after the end'.

We can only hope that it truly is the end; that there won't be any book about Jacob and Nessie's relationship.

I may write a conclusion, summing up my thoughts on the entire thing, and maybe...evaluating it a little bit more than I have here, but...I'm honestly a little too burned out to think about that right now. I'll need some time to collect my thoughts.

Thank you for sticking with me through this. I hope you enjoyed suffering as much as I enjoyed inflicting said suffering.

I'd also like to thank whoever leaked Midnight Sun to the internet. Thank you. Do not doubt my sincerity – I truly mean it when I say 'thank you'. By leaking it, you made her stop working on it. You have done a great service to the world.

You should've won the Nobel Peace Prize, whoever you are. By causing this author's little 'well, no, now I won't finish it' snit, you've saved countless individuals from unimaginable torture.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, by the way? I just hit 58 pages.

I'll try to be brief, but funny, in my conclusion. And I'll try to do it before I erase this entire thing from my memory with a magic eraser shaped like a handgun...or before one of you does it for me.

Life sucks, and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

--Breaking Dawn Book Two Prologue

I'm not getting my hopes up that this is a departure from the standard theme.

Jacob seems annoyed at being trapped in these books. A packmate recently imprinted on his sister, and life sucks. He wonders if shooting himself in the head would do much.

He wonders when he'll find out that Bella's been turned, and how. I'm wondering if the only difference between Jacob's voice and Bella's voice is the lack of irritating florid prose about Edward.

We get to meet Quil's...mate? Three years old. This is really very disturbing.

She had a princess themed birthday party. Quil had to wear a crown. And makeup, eventually. Because he's imprinted on a fucking toddler.

Wrap your head around that. A...teen in an adult's body [because, you see, they mature quickly with their first change]...and a three year old girl.

No time to dwell on that, though, because it's time to assemble the pack for a little gossip. Charlie called someone on the reservation; Bella's back, but she's sick. Does this mean it's time to go in and take out the Cullens? Yay. Let's debate.

The pack isn't going after them. Jacob, however, is. Against the pack's ruling.

At the house, Jacob begins to feel bad about the idea of killing Carlisle.

Jacob gets descriptive about Edward's obvious suffering, and then gets descriptive about Bella.

Change a couple of words, and it could be Bella talking about Edward.

Bella, by the way, is hugely pregnant.

Edward wants to talk to Jacob outside. Bella demands that they behave. Jacob has some more doubts, because he doesn't want to kill girls – even vampire girls.

Edward has a minor breakdown at Jacob. Jacob demands to know why they haven't aborted.

'She won't let us.'

'That's so Bella.'

'You can offer her what she wants!'

'lol wut'

'I just want to keep her alive. You can do her. She can have a litter of puppies instead. Make her see the logic behind me pimping her out to you.'

Jacob considers this, comparing her to a weekend movie rental, and considers just killing Edward instead.

Edward promises that, when Bella dies, he'll beg Jacob to kill him. On this, they have a deal.

New chapter. The titles in Jacob's 'book' are more fanciful than the chapter titles in any of Bellas'. This one is 'Why didn't I just walk away? Oh right, because I'm an idiot.'

That chapter title speaks to me in ways you might understand....

They've gone back inside, and Edward's informing everyone that Jacob wishes to speak to Bella alone. Rosalie refuses; Edward promises that he and Carlisle will be where she can see them, and, since they're the two Bella's afraid of, no harm will come to her beastfoetus.

Bella objects to this; she's not afraid of Edward. Edward attempts a backtrack. Jacob is sickened by her behaviour, and thinks she'd have been better served by living back when she would've been fed to lions. I find this a very agreeable mental image.

Jacob and Bella chat a bit. Jacob compares her to a drug – what an exciting new metaphor! We've never seen that one before, not in this series.

Bella promises that she'll keep her heart beating, because she's strong enough for that, and that everything will be better for Jacob once he imprints on some other girl.

She refers to the monsterfoetus as a 'he', prompting Jacob to bitterly quip about how he should've brought blue balloons, and we learn about how very mystical the baby is – they can't see it on an ultrasound, because 'the membrane is like their skin'.

But she's sure it's a boy, because of her nightmares.

Jacob tells her to get rid of it and start over; Bella thinks he means artificial insemination. She figures it out in the end, is surprised that Jacob didn't tell on Edward to get him into trouble, and decides that she doesn't deserve either of them.

He leaves after Bella says 'I love you,' and becomes a wolf again. Sam orders him back with the power of the 'Alpha voice.'

The pack sees what he's seen in his head. Their response is, literally, '!!!!'

After a long stream of thoughts – signified by italics and choppy sentences – Sam decides it's time to attack. See, the treaty doesn't cover this, and that's a good excuse. Except, earlier, Sam didn't want to, when they thought the treaty had been broken.

Leah agrees, saying that Bella is dying anyway, and that it'll be quicker if they kill her first. Jacob attacks her. Sam orders him to stop.

Jacob is powerless against the 'Alpha voice'.

Seth also doesn't want to fight; they're his friends, after all. Sam renders him powerless, too.

Jacob remembers that the role of Alpha had been his birthright, and embraces it. He breaks free, becoming a packless Alpha.

Sam tries to assert control; Jacob reminds him that he wasn't born to follow Sam, and that it was supposed to be the other way around.

Sam tells Jacob that Jacob can't defeat him, and that, if he [Jacob] orders them to follow – an incomplete thought, interrupted by Jacob saying that he'll never take anyone's will away in that way.

Sam asks if Jacob belongs to a coven now. Jacob responds. Apparently, the 'alpha' in his voice has some sort of impact, due to his birthright. And possibly his size, because he's bigger than Sam.

Jacob runs away, and the pack throws a wolfy tantrum in the form of a lot of howling.

Suddenly, he's being chased by enthusiastic thoughts. It's Seth.

Jacob tells him to go home.

Seth asks if that's an order.

They discover that they can't hear the other wolves – only eachother.

Jacob has a tantrum of his own. He doesn't actually want to be the alpha of a pack; he wants to be a lone wolf. Ha ha.

They argue about the significance of the change, and decide that they have better things to do. They have to warn the Cullens. So they run, Seth falling into place in 'the traditional spot of the second'.

Seth explains that he wasn't after a promotion; Jacob tells him to run wherever he wants.

They discuss what to do if the other pack shows up, and plan on running patrols. Jacob tells Seth to stop being so optimistic about the reduced numbers of the pack, and their possible unwillingness to attack their own brothers. Jacob tells Seth to shut up.

...then, they wonder if they should be thinking 'We come in peace' at Edward.

More thought-conversing ensues.

The wolves run patrol while the Cullens hook Bella up to an IV and try to feed her that way.

The next day, Leah [Seth's older sister] joins their pack.

Howling, of course, is the warning signal they arranged to warn the Cullens that the pack is coming to attack. This is the second time that Seth's done it – the first being a response to hearing about Edward's plan to pimp Bella out to Jacob for babymaking. Seth gladly leaves to let the Cullens know that it's just his sister.

More thought conversing. I need a word for this...how 'bout thoughtversation?

Leah claims she's here because she wants to protect Seth. Jacob figures out that she's here to get away from Sam. She still loved him; he wanted her to disappear. She finds the idea of protecting vampires far more tolerable than having to put up with that.

Jacob goes to inform the Cullens about what's going on, with his newly larger pack, and with the plans of the other pack. He does so in human form, giving Carlisle some page-time.

Carlisle explains that Bella is already like a daughter to him. He talks about how vampire venom can work miracles, but it can't do anything if the human's heart isn't beating. Also, about how the monsterfoetus won't let her eat. Bella's body is rejecting all forms of nutrition.

Jacob thinks it wants blood and death. I begin to suspect that the monsterfoetus is some sort of meta-embodiment of we who loathe this series, struggling to be birthed into this horrible reality so it can end everything in one violent, toddlery spazfest.

Then, it's time to get medical. Carlisle wishes he knew more about the monsterfoetus. Ultrasounds don't penetrate the amniotic sac, and it's doubtful a needle would, either. Not that it matters; Rosalie won't let Bella consent to an attempted amniocentesis. Carlisle just wants to know a little more, like how many pairs of chromosomes it has.

Humans have 23 pairs; Vampires have...25.

The book crashes into a wall of biological impossibility, exploding like a Pinto and killing everyone involved.

Oh, goddamnit. Werewolves have 24 pairs. I guess everyone did survive.

Carlisle is sorry about poking around in Jacob's blood. He says he can't help it; he's extremely curious.

Edward's been listening in, because he's like that. He thinks Jacob might be right. The monsterfoetus might want blood, after all.

Hey, why not. We've got all that O neg stockpiled for Bella. Let's give her a sip and find out.

Rosalie's all for it. She's being driven by vicarious maternal instinct, though.

Bella asks who's going to catch a bear for her, when they tell her their idea. No, no, let's not cut corners. She agrees anyway, calling it her first vampire act.

Shouldn't that be vampiric act? Act of vampirism?

Jacob watches Bella and Edward interact, and begins to understand why Leah tried to make everyone else suffer. He feels he's in the same position as her. A few paragraphs are spent overstretching that premise.

We get to see the starts of an antagonistic relationship between Jacob and Rosalie while Rosalie's off getting a cup of blood for Bella. Bella's mildly disturbed by the fact that the cup of blood smells nummy.

Of course it does. It's the blood of your fans. You've been sucking it for several books now – the only thing that's changed is that you're doing it in the book. In actual words depicting actions.

Jacob wonders how anyone can stand to live with Edward hearing their thoughts all the time. He finds it annoying. I find it strangely hypocritical, because of the wolf thing.

Bella wants more blood. And some eggs. But mostly more blood. Jacob wants to sleep.

There's howling. Jacob runs off, shifting, forgetting to remove his pants, destroying the only clothes he has left. Four members of the other pack are there to have a chat, but it can't be done as wolves. One of them is coming as a human.

Jacob's pack bickers about rank a bit; Jacob says, again, that he doesn't care where anyone stands. Personally, I'd rather they stand somewhere far away. Preferably in silence.

The members of the other pack are here to deliver a message. Sam wants them to come back. Having the family torn apart is wrong. Sam's calmed down. The elders agree to wait until Bella's 'separated' from the problem.

Jacob's pack has a thoughtversation while the message is delivered. They decide that Sam's betting that Bella's death will make Jacob angry enough to lead the attack himself.

Jacob sends Leah off to run a patrol, and shifts back to human. The other human, Jared, asks him to let Seth and Leah go home.

Jacob mentions that he's been telling them to leave him alone ever since they joined him. He also explains that this isn't just about Bella; he sees many of the Cullens as people worth protecting, too.

Jared switches tactics, trying to guilt Seth into coming home. His mother is brokenhearted and begging, he says. Their father only just died [in New Moon], and now her kids are gone. Jacob exposes this as an obvious manipulation tactic, possibly suggested by Seth and Leah's mother.

Leah returns from patrol. Jared tries convincing her to rejoin them by telling her that she knows she doesn't want to be here, doing what she's doing now, because she has no ties to 'the bloodsuckers'. Also, Sam wants his Lee-lee home, where she belongs.

Leah doesn't take this well.

They discuss what'll happen after. Jacob says that, after Bella's given birth and the Cullens are gone, Seth and Leah are free to return home; he'll be leaving for good. Until then, the other pack needs to remain in its own territory. Howl if you need to talk, but stay on your own side. Oh, and, why did Sam send Colin? Is Embry okay? Tell my dad I love him.

Jared agrees to pass along the instructions, and leaves. Quil remains behind to express his wolfy disappointment.

Time for another thoughtversation. Jacob shifts back, and asks if what he said was okay.

Leah suggests that Jacob should've hit Jared.

They discuss why Embry wasn't allowed to come. The other pack suspects that Embry would defect, too. Embry isn't imprinted on anyone in La Push. Quil would leave, but he has the ever-important imprinting ties that keep him there.

Jacob tells Seth to run the patrols for a bit; he and Leah both need to sleep. They discuss whether or not someone should go inform the Cullens, leading to a peek at the blood-drinking thing in Jacob's thoughts.

Leah's disgusted; Seth thinks it's fine. It's helping Bella, after all.

'Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby,' Leah explains. 'And he used to gnaw on the crib, too.'

Jacob asks if the crib was painted with a lead-based paint, and runs off to update the Cullens. He finds a pile of clothes waiting for him outside, and Bella looking better inside. Rosalie asks him where the flood is [ha ha, your pants, they are too short!], and we have to deal with the first of a string of blonde jokes.

Jacob goes off to take a nap, but Edward wants to talk to him first. Esme is concerned about their homeless status. The word 'bereft' is used. Esme wants to offer food and clothing – they have plenty, since Alice won't let them wear the same thing twice.

Jacob's leaving is interrupted by the monsterfoetus breaking one of Bella's ribs. He sits down next to the open door [vampires and werewolves stink to eachother, as we're constantly reminded]. Alice comes down and offers him a pillow.

We hear all about how the monsterfoetus is giving Alice a headache. Alice can't see it, and it's interfering with her ability to see Bella's future. And this is hurting her. With Jacob around, everything disappears. So, she's going to sit next to Jacob for a while.

He wakes up to find a cold glass of clear liquid waiting for him – it's bleach, though. Rosalie left it as a prank.

Also, Seth is there. And there's food. Seth tells Jacob he should try some, but Jacob would rather hunt.

Speaking of hunting, Carlisle is worried about the rest of his family, and the treaty. Where can they hunt now? Suggestions are made. Jacob tells Seth when he'll want him back, and that he should take a nap. Esme urges Jacob to take some food, and ease her guilt.

Time passes, and we're in for more thoughtversation. Why don't the Cullens just leave? Take Bella and get far away, where Sam can't follow?

Because they need the medical equipment, and there's no time to set up in another place.

Pointlessness follows. The monsterfoetus breaks another rib. Jacob shows up to keep Bella warm. Rosalie bends a mixing bowl into a dog bowl to offer Jacob food. They discuss Bella's due date, which might be in four days.

They discuss why Bella wants Jacob here. She says it makes her feel complete. Jacob suggests that she enjoys his pain. She counteroffers that it's her fault; they were supposed to be together, but she did something wrong. Then, she falls asleep.

Jacob discusses the stupidity of letting her talk to Charlie with Edward. Edward explains that she thinks she can come up with an excuse for everything, and that Charlie will jump to all manner of wrong conclusions, but accept that she's still his Bella.

They discuss the monsterfoetus, and how their research suggests that it'll use its teeth to get out.

Rosalie cuts in to write off the bits of the stories where the mothers don't survive, saying that mothers often died when giving birth in the middle of disease-infested swamps.

Edward moves to attack Rosalie; Jacob makes an offer to do it, instead. He throws the dog bowl at her head.

Rosalie's response? “You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”

Jacob finds this funny. More blonde jokes.

Bella wakes up. The monsterfoetus is stretching; she says it reminds her of Jacob. They both grow so fast.

Carlisle wonders if there could be similarities. If maybe the monsterfoetus has 24 chromosomal pairs like the wolves.

You thought things were stupid before? It only gets worse.

Nevermind, though. Time for more thoughtversating! Jacob and Leah are bonding while checking on a safe place for the Cullens to hunt.

Leah's happy being in Jacob's pack. She wants to stay with him until she can quit being a wolf for good. Jacob helps her with feeding by showing her how to let the wolf take over.

Leah has a chat with Jacob about how she gets Rosalie's perspective. Becoming a wolf has apparently rendered her sterile.

Jacob doesn't want to hear any of this, so he goes off to spend time with Bella. More blonde jokes. Some threats and posturing.

Edward discovers that he can hear the monsterfoetus thinking. It likes the sound of their voices.

They discuss baby names. EJ and Renesmee. Because, see, Renee and Esme.

Edward hears it thinking that it loves them. Jacob feels betrayed, and considers killing everyone. Happy thoughts, but Edward tosses him the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish and tells him to get away for a bit.

Jacob considers totalling it anyway.

He drives off to the nearest city to look at girls, hoping to imprint on someone and end this shit.

Failure, of course. After wandering around a park for a bit, he returns to sit in the car. A girl approaches him, referring to him as 'the guy with the stolen car'.

She offers to help him find the person he's looking for. Then she goes on about the car. Jacob tries to force the imprinting thing, but fails again.

He decides to return the car in one piece, passing guards from the other pack on his way back. Edward is waiting for him, to tell him that he needs to control Leah.

Leah had shown up while he was gone, to lay into Bella about the pain she'd been inflicting on Jacob by asking him to stay.

Also, the monsterfoetus is incredibly advanced. It can communicate with them. It's trying not to move so much, because it doesn't want to hurt its pwecious mommy.

Go on, MonsterFoetus. It's okay. Give mummy a kick in the spleen for me. I bet you're awfully cramped, and stiff from not moving. Just stretch that leg out. Right into the spleen. The soft, lovely, comfortable spleen. Wiggle your foot a bit. Doesn't that feel nice?

No, no, you're not hurting anyone. You're helping. It feels good to help, doesn't it? If you want to stretch out your other foot, you can probably mash her liver into oatmeal while you're at it. That'd make us so happy. You want us to be happy, don't you? Don't you?

They discuss the possibility of delivering the monsterfoetus as soon as Carlisle returns the next day, and Edward asks permission to deviate from the treaty to save her as I reach page 40 of this overly-long review.

Jacob steps outside to think about it with Edward. Seth arrives; Jacob tells him to tell Leah that she shouldn't be so harsh to Bella.

Edward tells Jacob how lucky he is to share the thoughts of someone so pure and kind.

They join Bella inside, and Jacob relents, giving Edward permission to turn her. Bella drops her cup of blood, reaches to get it, and time's up. The placenta detaches, and she starts vomiting blood. I suspect this will not make it into the movie.

The next chapter is called 'there are no words for this.' It's probably true. I feel like I'm running out of words for this, and wishing that Stephenie had run out of words five pages into the first book.

Blood. Everywhere, apparently. And violence. And morphine, a drug that should come with this book. Rosalie cuts into Bella's abdomen. More blood, and Rosalie goes from helpful to wanting to feed. Jacob attacks her, and she doesn't put up a fight.

The monsterfoetus breaks Bella's spine.

Jacob performs CPR while Edward gets to work on a back-alley Caesarean, biting through the amniotic sac. It's a girl; we're stuck with the name Renesmee for the rest of the fucking book.

Bella wants to see her, to hold her. Renesmee bites her.

She dies. Thank fucking god.

But, no. More CPR. The baby's handed off to Rosalie [Jacob suggests that it be thrown out a window]. Edward produces a syringe of his venom. How the fuck did that happen? Is it like milking a snake? Did he spend months biting onto a cup with a bit of rubber stretched over it, milking himself?

Still more CPR. And repeated bitings. And now, vampire saliva apparently has healing ability, too.

Edward labours to keep her heart beating. Jacob feels pulled downstairs. Away, he thinks. Then, maybe, to the thing named Renesmee. He wants to kill it.

Strike that. He imprints on it. On a newborn.

Y'know what? I don't have enough words for this. Not after the earlier thing with the toddler. I'm glad this is the end of the second book, because I seriously have nothing more to say. Sorry. No words; just this:

Thank you. You can't possibly know how much it means to me that you wish to put me out your misery; but I must continue to cling to life. I must finish this.

It's become a holy quest – a crusade, if you will. I don't know what I'll find when I reach my destination. Perhaps a sense of accomplishment, and an incredibly high [for me] page count.

Now, if you'll hold still a moment and permit me to tie this rope around you, I'll hitch you to this truck and we'll continue our trip into hell.

I’d had more than my fair share of near-death experiences; it wasn’t something you ever
really got used to.

It seemed oddly inevitable, though, facing death again. Like I really was marked for disaster. I’d escaped time and time again, but it kept coming back for me.

Still, this time was so different from the others.

You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers—the monsters, the enemies.

When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it?

If it was someone you truly loved?

--Breaking Dawn Book 1 Prologue

Oh, for fucks sake, you whiny, overwrought, spoiled little brat, are you really sitting at a stop light, worrying that people are staring at you because you're that freshly engaged girl in the completely unlikely Mercedes Guardian?

Yes, I suppose you are. And, there you are, filling the car up, and some supposedly more-knowledgeable man identifies it as such, stating that it's not even available in Europe yet, and wanting to take a picture of himself with it.

Now, I can't be sure, since I probably know as much about this car as the author of this pile of unrelenting suck, but...a quick google hasn't really given me much in the way of...distinguishing features that identify the difference between your standard Mercedes S Class and the armoured version. The S600 Guard looks...entirely unremarkable, except for the fact that half of the pictures I've found show it on fire.

While it does appear to have some nice features, I kinda doubt that it's possible for the car – armoured as it may be – to withstand a tank deliberately driving over it. Also: missile proof glass? Really?

That's okay. The car's going away soon. See, it's the 'before' car – on loan from someone. Edward's just trying to keep her safe.

She fails to blow up while pumping gas, and heads back to the Cullen residence, passing Hearts In Atlantis style lost pet posters that just happen to be stuck to every vertical, rod or trunk shaped object between points A and B.

No. Not really. They're just posters asking if anyone's seen Jacob; he's still off having a large, wolfy sulk in Canada.

We find out that the wolf that fought alongside Edward – Seth – is friendly with the Cullens now. The other wolves don't approve, but he's going to the wedding anyway.

The story thus far derails [leaving far too few bodies]; someone left a flashback on the tracks. Stepping back to examine the scene of the accident, one might notice that it has the air of a clumsy attempt to bridge the gap between 'now' and 'the previous book'.

Ah, yes. Yes it is. Because here's Bella and Edward, sitting on the loveseat in Charlie's house. Charlie's just gotten home from work, and Bella wants Edward to wait until he's hung up his gun, because, recent efforts to like Edward aside, she's convinced that this will lead to...some sort of desperately ineffectual gun violence leading to exactly zero deaths. A tragedy, in other words.

'We have some good news.'

'You're pregnant, aren't you.'

No. But Edward wants to say he's sorry for not asking permission first, before proposing.

Charlie gloats, because he's not going to be the one to tell Renee; Bella can handle her mom's reaction all on her own.

Poor Charlie. Renee's happy for Bella, telling her that all the awful things she said about marriage applied only to her. Her precious daughter has never been a teenager, always sticks to her decisions once her mind is made up, and is lucky to have found another old soul. Now, let's get planning!

Fittings and frettings ensue as we suddenly leap back into the story already in progress. And recaps, because the reader may've managed to completely obliterate certain details from their mind through long, expensive nights of heavy drinking. We must be reminded that Edward can't read Bella's thoughts.

'You should go to your bachelor party – which, of course, is nothing but a regular hunting trip – but, first, I need to spend a few pages re-re-re-describing your perfectly magnificent angelicness, my perfect marble statue of a vampire. Then, I shall spend many pages remembering the guest list, and some backstories for character development purposes.'

The coven from Alaska – referred to as the Denalis – used to have a mother. A mother who serves as a segue to a story about 'the immortal children'. Infants and toddlers who'd been turned. Beautiful creatures you couldn't help but love. Lisping two-year-olds who destroyed villages in their tantrums. All feeding indiscriminately; all unteachable. So, they were destroyed. Those who protected the godawful creatures were also destroyed. The 'mother' in the Denali clan was one of them.

Bella dreams of protecting one of these things from the Volturi.

Wedding time. No, no, don't look at the decorations yet; I want to save them so that you can describe them while you're walking down the aisle. Have some combined smells instead: orange blossoms, lilac, roses, and freesia.

The idea seems strangely...stinky, to me. Or possibly just 'lilac', because it tends to overpower things. Then again, I don't know about orange blossoms, so I can't really say. Someone who knows more about the potential floral stenchitude should chime in here....

Makeup, dress, more inanity. Renee arrives to gush over her daughter's dress, and the awesomeness of all the planning. And to give her a gift that covers the 'old' and 'blue' parts of the stupid saying. The dress, they claim, counts as 'new', and Alice loans her a garter.

She doesn't fall down the stairs and die from her old, blue hair combs puncturing her skull and skewering her brain.

The wedding is magical and wonderful and sickening. The reception struggles on like that hand from the last book. The bouquet toss; the garter toss. The cake. The dances. Bella comforts Charlie by saying he should have her arrested for criminal negligence – the crime being that she's leaving him to cook on his own.

And she finally sees herself in a mirror. Edward standing next to some strange, dark-haired beauty. Edward complains about Mike's 'inappropriate thoughts about a married woman.'

Jacob arrives; Bella dances with him, deciding that she'd never done anything to deserve a friend like him.

He says he wants to remember her as she is right now. She steps on his feet. He wants to know when she'll be turned, informing her that she can't have a 'real honeymoon' with a vampire.

'Uh huh'

'Nuh uh'

'Can so!'

'That's sick!'

A fight nearly breaks out, and we get a dose of Edward in self-loathing mode again, wondering what he was thinking even offering to give Bella a 'real honeymoon'.

More dancing. Alice swoops in to force Bella to change into a 'going away dress', and they're on a plane, heading to an unnamed destination...after a shower of 'I'll love you forevers' and rice thrown by vampires.

You'd think that vampires would be able to kill a human that way, but, no. Again, tragic.

Washington to Houston to Rio to...a dock. And then...a private island. Isle Esme, on loan from Esme, who got it as a gift from Carlisle.

Yes. They're disgustingly, conspicuously wealthy.

He carries her off the boat...and leaves her to wait for her in the water outside. She fills a few pages going from postponing to panic to confident, finally joining him in the water.

Suddenly, it's morning.

She wakes to find him cynical, severe, and not looking at her.

He didn’t open his eyes; it was like he didn’t want to see me.

“Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I’m not a monster.”

Wounded, shocked, I followed his instruction unthinkingly and then gasped.

What had happened to me? I couldn’t make sense of the fluffy white snow that clung to
my skin. I shook my head, and a cascade of white drifted out of my hair.

--Breaking Dawn Book 1, Chapter 5: Isle Esme

Take a moment to come to your own entertaining or revolting conclusions. Feel free to share them with me in the comments. I'll wait; find me here when you're done.

There are also bruises. Lots of bruises. Bruises that match Edward's hands. He's so sorry; he's a monster; she should never forgive him. He wallows in self-pity, like a good abuser the morning after.

If you're curious, the fluffy white snow was down. Edward bit the pillows.

Edward keeps her worn out by feeding her a lot of food, and actively exploring the island with her. Bella tries to trade another year of life for more sex.

Because sex between two virgins on their wedding night is always amazing. Always. And it always leaves you wanting more.

Well, the second half might be true. You might feel like you want more, in that 'what, exactly, am I missing, because that wasn't anywhere near as good as people said' kind of way.

Eventually, he relents. Beds and lingerie are destroyed.

People arrive to bring food and...possibly clean up. One of them seems to suspect that Edward brought Bella here to feed off her, because of local legends. They leave. Lunch is made. More furniture is destroyed.

Edward leaves to hunt on the mainland; Bella wakes up alone and starving. She tries to make fried chicken, but gets impatient, and eats it from the pan while it's cooking. It tastes wrong – and smells wrong, eventually – to her, so she throws it away.

She gets sick.

Bella's tired. Bella's having strange dreams. Bella's hungry. Bella's vomiting...but still hungry. Bella's late.

Bella's pregnant.

Bella's supernaturally pregnant. Five days late, but she's already got an identifiable 'bump'.

Time for a few paragraphs of attempted justification. The incubus and succubus get trotted out, and an excuse for why female vampires can't get pregnant [their bodies never change, and pregnancies require change], while male vampires can get human females pregnant [their bodies never change, which means their sperm are always good].

The phone rings. It's Alice. Bella wants to talk to Carlisle. She thinks she feels something moving around inside her.

She begins to refer to it as 'her little nudger', and they're off, flying home again. Edward wants to get rid of it before it hurts her.

Bella, however, has become very attached to it. She's spent a couple of paragraphs talking about how much she never understood why anyone would want a baby, but, now that there's one in her, she can't bear to let it go. She wants to protect it, so she calls the only person she can think of who would want this baby as much as she would: Rosalie.

Ah hah! There's the reason for that incredibly creepy story about Rosalie's turning, and why she picked Emmett.

I think I'll leave this here, and do another post for the second...book...in this...book.