Instead, I'm just going to...talk about this...mad, gibbering horror of a series. Get it out of my system; say a few things I forgot to cover in the...well, they're not reviews, are they? And they're too long to be called summaries. I don't know what they are any more.

See, I can't review things. I'm either 'that sucked' or 'play by play of suck'. I haven't found a proper balance, and I probably never will. It's something I just can't be good at.

Who cares, though? This is my website. I'll put stuff here, and, if it displeases you, that's really not my problem. I'm actually comfy with sitting here, rambling to myself.

If you do want to read them, you should probably read them in order. Here, have a list:

• Twilight
• New Moon
• Eclipse
• Breaking Dawn: Book One
• Breaking Dawn: Book Two
• Breaking Dawn: Book Three

As with all things on the internet, this post will be waiting here for you when you get done.

If you've read them, you'll know that I made no secret of my dislike for the entire series. I've technically read the entire thing twice now, and that's more than enough to have a reasonably informed opinion regarding degrees of suckitude.

Other readers will have formed their own opinions, of course. When you read something, you see what you want to see, or what you know. With a series like this, it's incredibly easy to read into what's there, because there's so little.

Yes, it borrows heavily from so-called 'classics' – but what doesn't? It's nearly impossible to write something without referencing another work, even inadvertently. This series does it clumsily, though. There's no subtlety, with 'references' coming across more like a very ham-handed product placement. The best thing that can be said about them is that, when their appearance slams you out of the already stuttering and sluggish flow of the story line, it's a kindness.

That the story itself is unoriginal can't be held against it; so many stories are. The trick is to take that same old plot and make it your own, if not in a unique way, then in a way that doesn't seem tedious because it has interesting characters. I'm not sure that Stephenie Meyer has done that here. I'm not even sure that she was interested in doing that.

The story itself comes off as if Meyer were following the instructions off a store-bought box.

Place into bag:

• Tortured, conscience-having vampire(s).
• Other fantastic, shape-shifting beings.
• Antagonist.
• Subjects of 'social commentary value' – racism, abstinence, et cetera.
• A main character serving as an idealised representation of the author.*
• Everyday locations.

Shake, mixing thoroughly. Bake. Adjective and adverb to taste, and serve.

*For a more palatable dish, exclude this ingredient.

It's Shake&Bake: Fanfiction [G-PG rating].

I suppose I could be falling into the same trap everyone else does, but...really. Vampires living off animal blood? They might even have souls? The uncommon, endearingly-clumsy female – whose clumsiness ends up drawing in the vampire, who feels the need to protect her. He stalks her, watches her while she sleeps, and, eventually, they get married and have babies? I overthought the recipe. All you have to do is take the Buffy/Angel relationship, reduce it so that no redeeming qualities are left [shouldn't take long], and dive right in.

Maybe I'm too old – maybe I've always been too old – to understand what sort of appeal these sorts of stories hold for anyone. Shallow, fluffy romance where you know everything will come out fine in the end. A little too fine, with everyone surviving.

These are exactly those sorts of books. A fake tension hook in the beginning – and, if you were fooled by the first one, the second one really shouldn't – and a resolution that leaves everything but your faith in a good, plausible story [even if it is about the supernatural] alive and well.

Why can't a secondary character die? Yes, it hurts; yes, if you've done your job as an author, we've become emotionally attached to the character. It should make us cry. We should be left feeling something. Anything that can't be fixed with a dose of pepto and The Talisman.

I don't care what you think of Stephen King's ability as a writer, or if it instantly makes you question my qualifications to even have an opinion on anything anyone's written, ever. When he killed Wolf in The Talisman [and I'm sure it was him, and not Straub, because he does it all the time], he made me cry. Yes. I cried. Because I fucking cared about Wolf; King made me care about Wolf.

Honestly, I'm not sure where my problem is. It could be with Meyer for this saccharine little Mary Sue dreamworld she conjured for herself, and foisted onto an undeserving public; It could be with the fact that, as it turns out, the public does deserve it, after all.

I suppose I can't blame young, immature females for lapping up this godawful swill. They're probably looking for something safe and comforting, and a fictional world in which even the nightmare creatures are safe, where nobody ever dies, is probably the safest thing they can get their too-clean little hands on. What the fuck is up with the older women, though?

Why the fuck do we have things like this:

Seriously? Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Does your love for this series stem from a history of reading Harlequin Romance? I hope so, because that's all these books are. Harlequin Romance novels lacking 'turgid manhoods' and breasts springing forth like startled pheasants when loosed from their restraints. If the USA Network were to get ahold of and edit your standard bodice ripper, you'd have Twilight.

If only Lifetime had gotten it, instead. Then, we'd have Bella escaping, pregnant, to a shelter for abused women, desperately fleeing her past, possibly reconnecting with estranged family and putting them at risk while they try to protect her from her abusive stalker of an ex that she married [against their advise] fresh out of highschool. She might even lose the baby.

It's a movie done a hundred times over by Lifetime, but it's still better than Twilight.

I think I've run out of things to say. When I post this, I'll probably think of a few dozen more things I'd intended to say, but I think I'll leave it here. I'd like to repeat my heartfelt thankyous to the person who leaked Midnight Sun [you're a real-life masked superhero, whoever you are], and to everyone who actually read the other six posts. It's been an ordeal [60 pages now; I'm so proud of myself]; thanks for suffering with me.

If you'd like, we can all meet up for cake and suicide. I promise, the cake isn't a lie.

No longer just a nightmare, the line of black advanced on us through the icy mist stirred
up by their feet.

We’re going to die, I thought in panic. I was desperate for the precious one I guarded, but even to think of that was a lapse in attention I could not afford.

They ghosted closer, their dark robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They drifted apart, angling to come at us from all sides. We were outnumbered. It was over.

And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet nothing changed—the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.

--Breaking Dawn Book Three Prologue

We get to relive the birthing from the last book, but from Bella's perspective. She's bewildered by the pain. So are we; we'd like it to end. Death? Kthxbai.

Many, many pages about burning pain and trying to hold back the darkness. Not even Stephen King has spent this many pages describing something.

'Let me die, let me die, let me die.'

Yes. Please. Let her die. Let this fucking series die already.

A whole chapter spent on describing the burning of transformation. But, now, we're in for another truckfull of modifiers. She's awake.

She's a vampire. And she can see all manner of things to describe in the same old flowery way, with the same old words. Apparently, becoming a vampire doesn't give you an exhaustive knowledge of the English language.

Not that I can even begin to understand how she sees things clearly, since she can now see 'ultraviolet'.

Here are the same old words being used to describe all the new things she can smell and hear, and how clear everything remains even though her movements take less than a second.

She spazzes over Edward touching her, identifies herself as the danger everyone's prepared for, then sees Edward for the first time with her shiny new ability to see an eight-coloured rainbow.

Yes. She describes his amazing new perfection; his voice, too. I get the feeling that the word 'perfect' is going to be used a lot.

She frets over her friends, her daughter, her father, and why she isn't currently a mindless beast wanting nothing but blood. She's 'thirsty', but she also wants to have 'the sex'.

Of course she's not a mindless beast. That would be too normal, too expected, too realistic. Mary Sues are never any of these things; they are always possessed of amazing, unlikely skills, like being a new vampire with the control of one that's lived for at least a decade.

She throws herself at Edward, hurting him. Because, see, newborn vampires are stronger than old vampires.

Oh, hey, let's dump another vampire ability on the table. It's called 'having lots of room in your head to think about many things at once'. Bella, honey, there's always been room in your head. Your brain is an unfurnished apartment. No, it's an unfinished apartment building. Just the barest hints of the wooden frame stacked off to the side, a big hole where the foundation will be someday. Why do you think Edward can't read anything in there? There's nothing to read.

Her voice has changed. It 'rings and shimmers like a bell.' Translation: it's even more annoying now.

She forgets that they're not the only two in the room; kissing ensues. When she's reminded that they're not alone, she notes that she'd been 'curved around Edward' in a way that 'was not exactly polite for company.'

Rough translation: their bodies were within, say, three inches of touching.

Carlisle asks how she feels, prompting another 'look how fast I do things now!' moment. She spends a whole 'sixty-fourth of a second' considering this question.

Some more fretting – out loud this time – gets slopped on top of the overdescription of everything. Bella doesn't want to tell anyone about how much it hurt while she was 'changing' – it only took two days, another Mary Sue Miracle. She wants to see her daughter, except she's too 'thirsty'. Such amazing self control!

Charlie's been given a story about how Bella's off being tested at the CDC; Bella wants to call him, but her voice is so different now....

Just when you think they're finally off to hunt down some poor, unsuspecting mountain lion, Alice demands that Bella look in a mirror.

You know what's coming. That's right – Bella describing how amazingly beautiful she is now. And being scared by her own relfexion.

That last bit? I'm thinking it's not exactly a new experience for her.

Jasper comments on her amazing emotional control. Because he can read emotions. And we need to be reminded of that. Edward still can't read her thoughts, though.

“I guess my brain will never work right. At least I'm pretty.”

Yes, adoring tween masses, this is your role model. This is what you should aspire to. Prettiness, and a malfunctioning brain. It's sure to land you a cold, abusive – but rich! – stalker.

They're off to hunt, but only in a way that gives the readers a chance to be buried under all manner of details about how impressively skilled and overdressed she is. The words 'tightly fitted ice-blue silk' are used. Also, 'stilettos'.

It doesn't matter, of course. She jumps out of a second-storey window without snapping a heel. She has the stunning grace of a Mary Sue vampire, after all.

Time to jump across a river. First, though, we have to destroy the completely disposable dress by ripping it to allow for running. Vampirism, it seems, comes with an immediate conversion to 'gold medal gymnast', helping her jump twice as far as Edward, and use the tree branch for some fancy catch and dismount.

Hunting is nothing more than an excuse to describe more things, with a heavy dose of still talking too goddamn much about Edward's perfect perfectness. We learn about her incredible new sense of direction, and how Elk blood is stinky, like river water...or something.

There are humans in the area. She goes off after them, but stops herself. Edward, ignorant of the common traits of your stock character serving as fantasy avatars for the author, can't figure out how she did this.

She catches a scent, and races off to take down a mountain lion, giving us the opportunity to hear all about how the claws can't hurt her, and how sharp and amazing her new teeth are.

Which kinda makes me wonder – does she have fangs? Do vampires in this bullshit universe have fangs at all? They're never mentioned. It's always just 'sharp teeth'. Does this mean all their teeth are sharp? What the hell is going on here, anyway? It's shocking that this author, so fond of punishing us by pointlessly repeating the same details, completely glossed over this one aspect of vampiric anatomy.

I wonder why. Maybe she got a set of those little fang caps, and didn't like how she looked in them?

The dress, destroyed by the big cat, has gone from silk to satin. I know it's possible to have satin made out of silk, but...wow, that's just...clumsier than usual. And you'd think she would've spent a line or two talking about it earlier. Also, it's destroyed, so she's walking around mostly naked.

And, hey, it's been a few pages, let's describe Edward again. Edward's hunting; Bella's watching. Bella wants to see Renesmee now. She feels wrong, because Renesmee is no longer inside her.

Bella describes her love for Edward, and thinks that maybe this is her 'amazing power' that she got when she was turned. The ability to love Edward more than anybody's ever loved anyone else.

Anyone else feeling a bit queasy?

We've got to introduce a new character, though. Renesmee's warmer than average, with a faster heartbeat, and she sleeps. Vampires don't sleep; their daughter already sleeps through the night. Insert forced joke here.

She's intelligent, and can communicate in a way that's 'difficult to describe' – I'm sure we'll hear all about it, though. She drinks blood, and won't touch baby formula.

Jacob's waiting for them when they return, to protect Renesmee. Bella can't figure out why he'd want to do this, or why she no longer needs him around the way she used to.

They banter about who smells worse. Everyone but Leah is entertained. Then, they argue about whether or not Bella is ready to meet Renesmee.

Guess what! That's right. More description. Renesmee is 'impossibly beautiful' with 'adult' and 'aware' 'chocolate brown eyes.' And she smiles with perfect white teeth.

Pages are spent on the meeting and the approach, before she actually holds the thing that killed her. Then, we encounter the 'hard to describe' ability. Not so difficult now.

Her ability? She touches you, and shows you her memories.

See how easy that was? No need to spend a lot of time on it. That's it. A few simple words, and it's explained thoroughly. But, no, we have to experience the first time Renesmee saw Bella.

Remember the imprinting thing? Bella just did. She finally figures out why Jacob's so protective of Renesmee.

Bella has a surprisingly rational reaction...and then gets a little selfish. See, she's only held Renesmee once, but Jacob has some sort of claim on her. So not fair.

She wants Jacob to leave. I kinda want everyone to leave before they get back into details. No chance. Time to hear all about how this was why they were so attached before.

Yeah. It makes no sense. But Nessie likes him.

Yeah. Nessie. Because Renesmee is really long, and also stupid. Nessie is somehow less stupid.

This, apparently, is the last straw. The nickname. She goes for Jacob's throat...and Seth intervenes. He gets a broken collarbone for his troubles.

Seth's fine with that, though. No real harm done. She didn't bite him; vampire venom is poisonous to werewolves.

...hey. That sounds like a plan. Bite them while they set you on fire. Happy, happy. The End.

Nessie isn't venomous, though; she bites Jacob all the time, when she doesn't get fed quickly enough.

Yes. I'll be calling it Nessie from now on.

Recap time. The truce between the packs and the Cullens is stronger now, because killing the object of an imprinting is forbidden. Alphas can talk to each other in wolf form, but only if they want to.

Pages of memories, and worrying about Charlie, and it's time to measure Nessie. See, she grows so quickly that Carlisle wants to study it.

Nessie's annoyed, and wants to go to Bella to show her a memory of Bella attacking Jacob. It's not just pictures, it seems, but also feelings. Bella gets a hint of possessiveness from Nessie regarding Jacob.

She also shares Rosalie brushing her hair, which seems like a strange, trite way of conveying the point that tactile sensations are also in these shared memories.

Nevermind. It's another 'here's what you missed' thing. She passes on the measurement routine with disinterest, and a memory of feeding, which causes everyone to overreact.

Jasper storms off in a huff because of Bella's control.

Nessie's back with Bella, telling her more stories about what she missed. They start getting blurry, and she falls asleep. Bella decides to try and see what would happen if she re-establishes contact – because Nessie's gift only works when she touches...possibly the person's face – and gets to see Nessie's dreams.

Aw.

Oh, it's Bella's birthday. Her human birthday. Time for a little tantrum.

Her gift? A house. No, I'm sorry, a cottage. Blah blah, magic, blah, unicorns, blah, Snow White, blah, perfect. Closet the size of the cottage.

Words. And sex. But not words about sex. Words dancing around sex. Skirting the topic like some prude with an affinity for flowery words writing a Christian Bodice Ripper.

After a trip into the closet, we're back to find Nessie mangling silverware. Made from actual silver. Because they're so disgustingly wealthy.

Here comes an exciting new trend in jokes. Emmett, about Bella and Edward and sex. Except they're...well, not. He asks if the cottage is still standing, and whether they were discussing the national debt, and about how Bella will ace everything at Dartmouth because she has nothing better to do at night.

Charlie's on his way. Because Jacob told him about...stuff. Not vampires, just werewolves. Jacob 'phased' in front of him – which, apparently, was very entertaining, because it involved him stripping.

Charlie wanted to know if Bella could change into an animal, too. 'She wishes she were that cool,' was the response, though, maybe not in those words. It was probably 'was', not 'were'. No, she just looks more like Esme than Renee now.

Charlie demands to be told as little as possible about the entire thing.

What did he say about Nessie? The words 'Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson' are used.

'I'm like a grandfather?' This, apparently, makes him happy, even though he was upset by the idea earlier in the book.

Throughout all this explaining, Bella was holding Nessie to keep from killing Jacob.

Alice has contact lenses for Bella, which Bella will have to replace regularly because the venom in her eyes will dissolve them.

THE. VENOM. IN. HER. EYES.

Got that? Venom. In her eyes.

Wrap your poor, beleaguered brain around that.

Fucking venom. In her fucking eyes.

I suddenly have a new perspective on life. Revenge of the Fallen is suddenly good. Brilliant, even. Robot gonads and all.

They give her tips on acting human – blinking, fidgeting, sitting, moving the shoulders to simulate breathing while not breathing in the tasty, tasty human smell.

Edward explains the situation to Nessie, telling her that she can't show Charlie things the way she does everyone else. Also, tasty as he may smell, she can't bite him.

Bella panics. Bella's suddenly horny. Jasper tells her to focus.

Charlie's mad, and hurt, and a bunch of other emotions Bella lists from reading his face. He isn't sure it's Bella. She looks different, and her voice is different. See, venom, it changes you. Gives you extra chromosomes and everything.

...and eye venom.

Charlie sees Nessie – and calls her that. Bella corrects him. Charlie wants to know if she's sure about making him a grandfather at such a young age. Carlisle – who's now described as 'Zeus' younger, better looking brother' – is a grandpa now, too, y'know. So that's okay.

Bella interrupts, getting possessive.

After a good look, Charlie starts trying to figure out when Bella could've given birth. Because he recognises features, and all that.

Jacob reminds him that it's 'need to know.'

Nessie waves at Charlie.

Charlie wants people to stop lying to him. And he wants to know how much Jacob's father knows about all this.

Emmett interrupts, cheering on a game he's watching on TV, and making more pathetic sex jokes. Charlie goes to watch the game with him. Football seems like a preferable alternative to these books....

Charlie has to leave for dinner now, with Jacob's dad and Seth's mom [Sue]. Bella lets him hold the now sleeping Nessie. She tells Charlie that Nessie has his curls, and promises that she'll try to stay close. Charlie assures her that he still loves her.

We learn Nessie's middle name. Carlie. Supposedly, a combination of Carlisle and Charlie.

Charlie is, for some strange reason, pleased with the name Renesmee Carlie.

You know what would be great here, right now? Arm wrestling. Because arm wrestling is so awesome. They even made an entire movie about it once, that's how awesome it is. So let's have some. But not on the table; it's an antique, and Esme's fond of it.

Bella and Emmett. Boulder. Arm wrestling. And innuendo about Emmett and Rosalie smashing up houses with their sexery.

Bella wins, breaking the boulder. Bella karate chops the boulder in two. Nessie laughs. Jacob thinks Bella should have more dignity; Nessie conveys that she wants less dignity.

The Twilight series collapses in on itself, becoming the most undignified singularity ever. A singularity in golf pants, and maybe a clowny little bowtie.

The sun comes out, and everyone sparkles. Bella muses on what it's like to suddenly be 'the best' at something, thinking she must've been born to be a vampire.

Not born, just...contrived.

Bella thinks about the Fates, and the tapestry they'd weave from her family and her life. She lists the threads, because this is an excuse for more filling in. Quil and Embry have joined Jacob's pack. Sue visits with Charlie. Jasper hovers, and this annoys Bella. Edward explains that it's because she's so happy, and Jasper can't resist a chance to feel that sort of thing.

He's what you'd call an emotional vampire, I guess. Hurr.

Nessie speaks her first word. Words. Sentence, even. She takes her first perfect little steps. Alice and Rosalie make a baby album. Nessie's described as a perfectly proportioned 'little adult'.

Nessie reads, without being taught. Tennyson. Out loud.

They begin to wonder if her accelerated growth means that she'll die in fifteen years. We can only hope, but we should know better by now. They discuss turning her, but it's too risky. She's too like Jacob, which might mean she'll die instead of turning.

Suddenly, there's also the matter of the Volturi. Bella wants to go see them alone, to show them that she's been turned. They'd been sent a wedding announcement, and had sent back a gift: a gold necklace with a 'white diamond the size of a golfball' in an ornate wooden box described as a 'priceless treasure'.

Supposedly, this gaudy-sounding piece of crap has something to do with 'the crown jewels'.

Plans are made. Alice sees indistinct, and often unrelated bits of the future. Bella, Nessie, and Jacob are off to hunt.

Nessie sees her first snow. She jumps fifteen feet into the air to catch a snowflake.

Irina – one of the Denali clan – sees them hunting, and concludes that the Cullens have made an immortal child.

We're probably not supposed to know that yet, because Bella thinks it's because of the werewolves.

More planning. They want to track down some legends about children like Nessie, in the Amazon.

Alice drops a vase.

The Volturi are coming. All of them. The full guard, and even the wives. When there's snow on the ground. Possibly in a month.

That translates into...at least a hundred more pages. A few thousand adjectives and adverbs. Untold eternities of suffering.

Irina went to them, but they'd already decided to come anyway. Bella figures it out. Immortal children.

Emmett thinks they should fight. Call in both packs; call in their friends. Even if they don't fight, the numbers should make the Volturi pause.

A whole new list of names. Lots of new characters. Tanya, Siobhan, Amun, Garrett, Mary, Alistair, Peter, Charlotte, Kachiri, Zafrina, Senna, Eleazar.

Alice and Jasper leave, telling everyone else to hurry and find them all.

And by leave, I mean leave. As in gone. Bailed. Across pack lands, and into the ocean, where we never have to hear Jasper called 'Jazz' again. We wish we could join them in leaving this story.

Sam's sorry for letting her through. He'll stand with them, because of his obligation to Jacob's imprinting.

Despair. Woe. Emo. They'll fight; they'll die.

I wish.

Bella and Edward follow Alice's scent to their cottage; Bella figures out that the note Alice left for the family was written on a page torn out of one of her old books. She's left another note – an address in Seattle, with instructions to destroy it. The note; not Seattle.

Back at the Cullen residence, everyone's prepared to head off in different directions to gather everyone needed. Edward and Bella are to stay behind and carefully introduce Nessie to everyone they send back.

Bella tries to look up the address Alice left for her. Two paragraphs are spent describing the faux-absent-minded way she strokes the keys, and a lot of wondering about whether or not vampires ever did anything like this.

Bella's sad. Bella's scared. Nessie leaps into her arms, shares some thoughts, and tries to comfort Bella.

Fretting. Questions. And more Jesus Approved™ sex.

Bella asks to be taught how to fight, which leads to learning about the Volturi's abilities. Jane makes you feel burning; Alec [her twin brother?] cuts off all your senses. No sight, no hearing, nothing to smell. Also, no pain.

I'm confident in stating that this series would be roughly x times more tolerable while under the influence of Alec's ability, if x is the largest number you can come up with.

If you prefer to be realistic: this series would be that tolerable if you were in a sensory deprivation tank, and someone outside that tank were reading it to you.

Oh. While Jane can only hurt one person, Alec can deprive everyone of their senses at once. Forget realism; we don't have enough isolation tanks.

Bella considers sacrificing herself as a diversion, thinking that the gifted Volturi guard have probably never had to fight physically.

Good idea. Great idea. Go for it.

She thinks about taking out Demitri, the Volturi's tracker. That's his special ability. Super tracking skillz.

Then there's the person they're supposed to ask about the Volturi – Eleazar. He used to be in the guard, but was too compassionate. He's now with the Denali clan. Or coven. Y'know what? I've already called them a clan before; coven's just too retarded, like Renesmee.

It just occurred to me that we're going to see a flood of horrid little girls named Renesmee. I'm just not sure if, upon meeting one, we should call it 'Nessie'. That might give them the wrong impression.

Whatever. Eleazar's gift was feeling the gifts of others. These gifts are getting silly.

That's what he did for the Volturi. He warned them of potential trouble, or, more typically, of which ones to spare. Also, which humans to turn.

The Denalis are almost here; Nessie worries that they won't like her. She has no images for her feelings right now.

Bella tells her that she's very special, and that the problem will be getting them to understand that. Nessie shows Bella that she doesn't fit in anywhere. She blames herself for the stress she sees them suffering.

Is it possible for a fanfic to have two Mary Sues? This is one area where I'm woefully underinformed. When a Mary Sue has a daughter, is the daughter also a Mary Sue? Is Mary Sueness genetic? In this case, it hasn't obviously transferred, leaving the mother an empty...well, an emptier shell of a character than she already was. So, what now?
No time for that, though. The Denalis are here. Edward goes to explain the situation, while Bella, Jacob, and Nessie wait in the...kitchen? Dining room? I forget, and I don't want to check. I want to get this finished.

The Denalis are worried. Carlisle said he needed to see them, but he's not here. What the fuck is going on, exactly?

Edward asks them to be open-minded about being dragged bodily into the story. He asks them to listen to what's in the other room – two heartbeats, one fast like a bird – and to smell what smells like a human, but not quite.

Bella brings Nessie into the room. They all panic, perhaps understanding that they're about to commit to being involved in the last few chapters of this crap. They go on about rules and understanding.

Edward reminds them that they can hear Nessie's heartbeat, and tells them how Bella gave birth while human.

Carmen falls instantly in love with Nessie.

Nessie wants to tell Carmen about it, in her own special way. Carmen consents, asking if she can speak. Of course she can; Nessie tells her she can show her more than she can tell her, though.

Like many of the other descriptions of Nessie, the word 'dimpled' is used.

Carmen believes what she's shown, perhaps not understanding that it'd be far too easy to lie and show imagined things.

She shows Eleazar. We're in for a lot of this.

He confirms that she's not an immortal child; Tanya asks where the danger is, since it's not Nessie. She assumes it has something to do with the Volturi.

Irina, of course. She went to the Volturi. Irina was one of the Denalis. They can't believe she'd do this to the Cullens. Edward explains that they're all coming, including the wives.

Eleazar says this is impossible. As mentioned before in the book, the wives never leave 'the tower'.

Tanya says they can't win this fight. Edward says this isn't about fighting; they're just looking for witnesses.

Edward explains that Nessie's growing quickly, and, that, by the time of the fight [in a month], Nessie will look a year older.

Tanya pledges that they'll be witnesses to her development; the rest of the clan follows.

Bella's ability finally gets a name, revealing why Eleazar's here. She's a 'shield', and she must be a powerful one to have been blocking Edward's ability to read her thoughts while human.

More information about the guard coming. This time, it's Renata, Aro's personal bodyguard. Renata's ability is...diverting people. If someone were to try and attack Aro, they'd find themselves going in another direction, confused.

Here's Kate [a Denali] to talk about her ability, since we're suddenly talking about whether or not Bella can project hers around others the way Renata can. Kate can't – she can only spread it over her skin.

Bella grabs Kate, begging her to teach this projection thing, and conveniently revealing that Kate's ability doesn't work on Bella. She's a human taser. Anyone who touches her is electrocuted.

Eleazar and Edward have been talking during all this. Eleazar's feeling self-loathing – a common side-effect of exposure to this storyline – about his time with the Volturi. He's remembering other times vampire clans have been punished, and how they form a pattern.

Aro never attends these things, unless there's something he wants. Evidence turns up, and everyone goes off to punish the group. Aro then pardons someone specific, claiming their thoughts are especially repentant. That vampire would always be grateful – because it's such an honour? No. Because another of the guard, Chelsea, has a gift that allows her to influence emotional ties between groups and individuals, either making them stronger, or undoing them. She keeps the Volturi bound together, and keeps clans from fighting as one.

What she can't do is affect the emotional bonds between mates, or especially strong devotions like those that form between the members of the vegetarian covens. See, eating only nonhuman animals makes them more civilised.

What's all this mean? They know why Aro and everyone else is coming. Aro wants to acquire someone. He needs the full guard to protect him. Leaving the others unprotected in the city isn't safe, so the wives come too.

Edward says that Aro's never wanted anything more than he's wanted Alice. Ah hah. This must be why Alice left.

...probably not, though.

And I'm not just saying this because I have the gift of 'having read the ending'. No, that's not my gift. My gift is being able to see the obvious happy ending outcome, even if I haven't read the book. I knew what was going on before it happened. Aren't I special....

The rest of the introductions are mostly glossed over, but more characters are introduced. Alice and Jacob are sending people. Peter and Charlotte arrive, curious. They join.

Clan and coven suddenly become interchangeable in the book. Siobhan, Liam and 'Little Maggie' show up. Maggie's gift is being able to tell when she's being lied to. They join without Nessie's 'explanation'.

Amun's clan arrives; Amun orders his clan to leave. Benjamin – one of Amun's – threatens to leave the clan if they don't stay. Amun relents, but only because he doesn't want to lose Benjamin's gift.

Benjamin can influence the elements. Physically. Amun wants him as a weapon, but Benjamin's too independent.

Garrett arrives. He's an adventurer. Perhaps vegetarianism is his next great adventure. Then, there's some more; Jacob complains that someone needs to create an index. An asterisk at the end of the paragraph indicates that one has been provided at the end of the book.

The Cullens return home. Carlisle brings Alistair with him, and we have our tinfoil hat wearing vampire of the series.

He's suspicious of authority. And reclusive. And stuff. Also, he's a tracker. He feels a pull to whatever he's seeking. He uses it to avoid the Volturi, by running in the opposite direction.

Zafrina and Senna arrive without Kachiri. Alice sent them, saying that she needed Kachiri to help her with something.

Zafrina has a gift, too. She can make people see whatever she wants them to see. The example in the book is 'being alone in a rainforest'.

Nessie wants to see. Nessie spends a lot of time with Zafrina and the 'pretty pictures'; Bella's able to see them through Nessie's memories.

Edward can't stand to teach Bella how to fight. Emmett, Rosalie, Tanya, and Eleazar step in. Others offer to help. Bella learns a few tricks from Zafrina, but refuses to fight her again out of fear.

Kate tries to teach Bella how to project her shield. Bella tries to protect Edward while Kate shocks him. It's not working; Kate thinks Bella needs a better incentive.

She goes after Nessie. Bella gets mad. Descriptively mad. Also, it works. The feeling of the 'shield', and how it changes from a 'band' to a 'film' is described.

She manages to push it out to protect more people, then loses control over it.

Garrett's curious about Kate, because, adventure! He lets himself get shocked.

Unexpected visitors arrive – Romanian vampires with a grudge against the Volturi. They want a fight.

The witnesses get counted – seventeen – and the family – eleven, because members of the Denali insist on being counted as family.

Bella and Jacob take Nessie to see Charlie. Bella leaves Jacob and Nessie there, making a 'Christmas shopping' excuse [because it's that time of year] to go off and check out the address Alice left.

She finds herself in a bad neighbourhood in Seattle, unable to resist describing every detail. She meets someone there, but not 'J Jenks', the person she's looking for. He's just...the guy who knows his number. And gives her the information she needs so she can get what Alice intended.

The guy calls Jenks; Jenks is mad. Is she a 'badge?' No, she looks like a supermodel. [Of course].

Jenks, it turns out, forges 'papers'. And charges a lot.

The guy gives her an address, and she arrives at the law offices of a 'Mr. Scott'.

J, as he's called from now on, is terrified. Of Jasper. And, therefore, of any Cullen.

Bella tries to figure out what Alice meant for her to get, and meant for her to do with Nessie. She tells J that she needs two birth certificates, two passports, and one driver's license. For a Jacob and Vanessa Wolfe. Because Nessie works for Vanessa, and Wolfe = lulz.

Bella wonders how much it'll cost – not that it matters. Cash is stashed in drawers around the Cullen house the way fish hooks are at Charlie's. Rich, y'know. She pays him the entire price up front. J tells her that it's customary to pay half up front. Bella assures him that she trusts him, and will pay him a bonus when she picks up the documents in a week, when they meet up at a restaurant.

She leaves, picks up a locket at an antique store to cover the 'Christmas shopping' excuse, and everyone's back home.

The locket has an inscription. In french. Something meaning 'more than my own life'.

Christmas. Nessie gets the locket, an MP3 player from Edward [filled with his favourite songs], and a braided 'promise ring' style bracelet from Jacob. Edward gets Charlie a fish finder.

Alistair leaves. Declarations of loyalty are made again.

Carlisle asks Siobhan to visualise a peaceful outcome; he has this crazy idea that her 'gift' is just that. The ability to force events to turn out the way she sees them.

Bella, Edward, Jacob and Nessie go hunting. Bella frets, because her shield has holes. Nessie can get into her head, after all.

Edward has a theory. Two, actually. One involves genetics. The other, that she's taken both their abilities and reversed them. She puts her memories into other peoples' heads, and nobody can keep her out.

It's time to pick up the forged documents. J is worried; he respects the Cullens, but wants to be assured that these documents aren't for plans to kidnap a child.

Of course not. Back to the Cullen house we go. Bella tries to figure out what to do with the documents, now that she has them. She goes to Alice's room. Then, to Esme's, to her desk, to try to get a message to Alice. She thinks about Alice seeing what she's doing, and writes 'Rio de Janeiro' on the paper. She puts this, the documents, and 'twice the average yearly income of an average American household' into a little backpack for Nessie to wear.

The preparations are winding down. Bella talks about how she and Edward would not have any final goodbyes; it'd be too much like typing The End at the end of a manuscript.

The snow sticks on New Years Eve.

She says goodbye to Nessie. The locket comes up again – there are pictures of Bella and Edward in it. Bella explains that, when the time comes, Nessie will have to leave her. But don't think of it, and don't tell Jacob until Bella says 'run'.

Bella puts on the tacky golf ball diamond, and prepares for the fight.

The formation is described. Vampires in front; wolves hidden in the trees behind. Jacob comes forward to be with Nessie.

The Volturi arrive. Words are involved. 'Pageantry, synchronicity, beauty'. Grey to black at the centre of the formation, and they expand 'like a fan'. The Volturi outnumber them.

Garrett makes a joke about the red coats coming.

The Romanians mention that the wives came with the group.

More vampires arrive – the Volturi brought their own witnesses.

Edward hears their thoughts. The Volturi are here to destroy and acquire. They have several plans, in case Irina's accusations are false. And they don't intend to stop to hear anything.

The Volturi halt unexpectedly. The wolves came out of the forest. There are more wolves now.

And we're back at the prologue. Bella sees everything with a reddish tinge. She surveys the opposition, and there's mention of 'venom welling in her mouth'.

They stopped, by the way, because they're outnumbered. This is a new experience for them. They don't count the witnesses on their side.

Aro and Carlisle talk.

'Hi, Aro!'

'Hi? What do you mean by that. No, really, why are you saying 'hi' when you obviously mean to kill me?'

'What? No. That's not what I meant by not meeting you alone. Look, I brought cake. It's a party!'

'Your intent doesn't matter. Look what you've done. How could you bring an immortal child to the party? It'll ruin everything.'

'But I didn't.'

'Yes you did. Now I must spank you, Carlisle. And my guard must spank your friends.'

'No, wait, let me explain. I haven't done anything to deserve that. No spankings, please.'

Caius interrupts, castigating Carlisle for all the pointless rules he's made for himself while disregarding this very important rule about immortal children.

Carlisle denies that Nessie's a vampire, and that he's assembled a battalion. They're just witnesses.

Caius calls for the informer. Irina steps out. Caius hits her.

Irina isn't sure Nessie's the child she saw. Nessie's changed so much. Grown.

Aro steps in to stop the beating, and reads Irina's memories. 'Yes. The child has obviously grown.'

Aro wants to know more, though. We must have more information about this breach before we can consider cake over spankings. He wants to read Edward's thoughts; he assumes that Edward is involved, since Nessie clings to 'Edward's newborn mate'.

Edward steps up to be read. Jane gives a smug little smile, and Bella snaps, throwing her shield out to cover all her allies in a not-so-surprising twist of events. Naturally, she'd come through in the end.

The words 'mushroom cloud of liquid steel' are used.

She instantly understands that any previous resistance she'd felt was of her own making. She'd been clinging to it. Now that she's let go, it's all so easy. She can feel everyone she's protecting like 'sparks' of 'light' or heat...or something. And she's able to control the shape of it, forming it around individuals like saran wrap.

She gloats for a moment, then decides that she shouldn't be protecting Edward. The exchange needs to take place.

Having read Edward, Aro wants to meet Nessie. They meet in the middle of the field.

Caius demands to know what Nessie is, referring to her as 'it'.

Well, Caius, it is the unfortunate spawn of a Mary Sue and her long, drawn out affair with a four book fantasy.

Nessie shows Aro a few things; Aro becomes curious about the wolves. Aro's wondering if they could be made into guard dogs for his clan.

Aro must discuss these new facts with his brothers now, so we're off to a new chapter.

There will, for now, be no cake. But no immediate spankings, either.

While Aro and Caius argue, Bella experiments with her shield. She doesn't like the empty space of the dome she's made, so she tries to pull it in and wrap it tightly around individuals. Oh, Bella, you're so talented.

She discovers that she can protect all of the wolves by only protecting the alphas of the packs. So talented. So clever.

We find out that werewolves are real, but the wolves here aren't werewolves. It's the middle of the day, so they can't be 'children of the moon'.

The argument continues. 'They know our secret,' but 'they're supernatural creatures, so it's allowed.' They're trying to come up with an excuse to 'exact justice'.

Caius wants to speak to Irina again. Why did she tattle? Because of the Immortal Child, who...isn't. Also, because the Cullens side with the wolves, who killed a friend of hers.

Irina declares that there's been no crime. She holds no grudge against the Cullens.

The guard kills Irina. Words like 'metallic screeching' are used. Apparently, that's the sound made by a vampire being torn apart. I can't be sure if it's a vocal thing, or the sound of vampire teeth on vampire flesh.

Her death is meant to cause an attack. Kate and Tanya want to retaliate; the rest try to stop them. Zafrina...illusions them, and Garrett tries to stop Kate from moving; Amazing Bella uses her Wonder Shield to protect him while not protecting Kate.

The Volturi's witnesses are beginning to doubt the events. They're not sure what Irina's crime was, not understanding that being in this book is all the excuse anyone needs for destruction.

Aro has a new plan. He wants to talk to some of the witnesses.

Amun tells of what he's seen, and requests that he be allowed to leave.

Siobhan confirms what Amun said, adding that Nessie is no threat to their secrecy, as she blends in far better and learns faster than she grows.

Aro gets speechy.

Garrett wants to get speechy. He came to witness for Nessie, and also to see what the Volturi would do. He tells the Volturi's witnesses that the Volturi are here to wipe out the competition. He encourages the Volturi's witnesses to join the other side. They're likely to be destroyed either way.

Aro tells the witnesses that they may leave if they wish. Some do.

The Volturi go off to talk a bit. Bella tells Nessie and Jacob to run when she tells them to, and that Nessie has what's necessary to get them out of the country.

The four share a tearful goodbye. Because the wolf is crying. Yes, I really just said that.

More pledges are made. Garrett says he'll follow Kate anywhere.

The battle begins. But not really. Chelsea is trying to break down their relationships. Edward can hear her thoughts; she can't figure out why it's not working.

Jane tries for Carlisle, then several others in rapid succession. Then Alec.

Benjamin gets showy, revealing that he was probably created to make more work for the crappy CG team working on the movie.

They start deciding who gets to kill who. Aro interrupts, offering the gifted members of the opposition a place in the guard. Chelsea attempts to influence them, but can't breach the WonderShield.

How do you spice up a book? Without using a debate or a conference? Voting!

The three brothers vote; Aro has the deciding vote. Edward interrupts him, asking if they could be allowed to live if Aro knew for certain what Nessie's future held.

Alice has returned. Duh.

She's brought help. Kachiri, and two strangers. Another [male]half human, half vampire, and a female vampire. He's over a century old, and venomous, apparently. His father goes around fucking human women, trying to create a 'master race'.

The Volturi decide to leave the Cullens, Nessie, and the other half-vampire alive, but speak to the father. Nahuel [the boy] requests that his sisters be left alone, because they're innocent.

It's over. Everyone's pleased, except the Romanians.

The parting begins. Zafrina wants Nessie to visit her. Not so loose ends are tied up – Alice left and only gave Bella clues because Bella's a terrible actress.

Nahuel stares at Bella because he hates himself for killing his own mother.

Bella shows Edward that she can let him into her mind.

And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

the end

--Breaking Dawn Book Three Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After

The book ends predictably, with a 'happily ever after the end'.

We can only hope that it truly is the end; that there won't be any book about Jacob and Nessie's relationship.

I may write a conclusion, summing up my thoughts on the entire thing, and maybe...evaluating it a little bit more than I have here, but...I'm honestly a little too burned out to think about that right now. I'll need some time to collect my thoughts.

Thank you for sticking with me through this. I hope you enjoyed suffering as much as I enjoyed inflicting said suffering.

I'd also like to thank whoever leaked Midnight Sun to the internet. Thank you. Do not doubt my sincerity – I truly mean it when I say 'thank you'. By leaking it, you made her stop working on it. You have done a great service to the world.

You should've won the Nobel Peace Prize, whoever you are. By causing this author's little 'well, no, now I won't finish it' snit, you've saved countless individuals from unimaginable torture.
Keep up the good work.

Oh, by the way? I just hit 58 pages.

I'll try to be brief, but funny, in my conclusion. And I'll try to do it before I erase this entire thing from my memory with a magic eraser shaped like a handgun...or before one of you does it for me.

Life sucks, and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

--Breaking Dawn Book Two Prologue

I'm not getting my hopes up that this is a departure from the standard theme.

Jacob seems annoyed at being trapped in these books. A packmate recently imprinted on his sister, and life sucks. He wonders if shooting himself in the head would do much.

He wonders when he'll find out that Bella's been turned, and how. I'm wondering if the only difference between Jacob's voice and Bella's voice is the lack of irritating florid prose about Edward.

We get to meet Quil's...mate? Three years old. This is really very disturbing.

She had a princess themed birthday party. Quil had to wear a crown. And makeup, eventually. Because he's imprinted on a fucking toddler.

Wrap your head around that. A...teen in an adult's body [because, you see, they mature quickly with their first change]...and a three year old girl.

No time to dwell on that, though, because it's time to assemble the pack for a little gossip. Charlie called someone on the reservation; Bella's back, but she's sick. Does this mean it's time to go in and take out the Cullens? Yay. Let's debate.

The pack isn't going after them. Jacob, however, is. Against the pack's ruling.

At the house, Jacob begins to feel bad about the idea of killing Carlisle.

Jacob gets descriptive about Edward's obvious suffering, and then gets descriptive about Bella.

Change a couple of words, and it could be Bella talking about Edward.

Bella, by the way, is hugely pregnant.

Edward wants to talk to Jacob outside. Bella demands that they behave. Jacob has some more doubts, because he doesn't want to kill girls – even vampire girls.

Edward has a minor breakdown at Jacob. Jacob demands to know why they haven't aborted.

'She won't let us.'

'That's so Bella.'

'You can offer her what she wants!'

'lol wut'

'I just want to keep her alive. You can do her. She can have a litter of puppies instead. Make her see the logic behind me pimping her out to you.'

Jacob considers this, comparing her to a weekend movie rental, and considers just killing Edward instead.

Edward promises that, when Bella dies, he'll beg Jacob to kill him. On this, they have a deal.

New chapter. The titles in Jacob's 'book' are more fanciful than the chapter titles in any of Bellas'. This one is 'Why didn't I just walk away? Oh right, because I'm an idiot.'

That chapter title speaks to me in ways you might understand....

They've gone back inside, and Edward's informing everyone that Jacob wishes to speak to Bella alone. Rosalie refuses; Edward promises that he and Carlisle will be where she can see them, and, since they're the two Bella's afraid of, no harm will come to her beastfoetus.

Bella objects to this; she's not afraid of Edward. Edward attempts a backtrack. Jacob is sickened by her behaviour, and thinks she'd have been better served by living back when she would've been fed to lions. I find this a very agreeable mental image.

Jacob and Bella chat a bit. Jacob compares her to a drug – what an exciting new metaphor! We've never seen that one before, not in this series.

Bella promises that she'll keep her heart beating, because she's strong enough for that, and that everything will be better for Jacob once he imprints on some other girl.

She refers to the monsterfoetus as a 'he', prompting Jacob to bitterly quip about how he should've brought blue balloons, and we learn about how very mystical the baby is – they can't see it on an ultrasound, because 'the membrane is like their skin'.

But she's sure it's a boy, because of her nightmares.

Jacob tells her to get rid of it and start over; Bella thinks he means artificial insemination. She figures it out in the end, is surprised that Jacob didn't tell on Edward to get him into trouble, and decides that she doesn't deserve either of them.

He leaves after Bella says 'I love you,' and becomes a wolf again. Sam orders him back with the power of the 'Alpha voice.'

The pack sees what he's seen in his head. Their response is, literally, '!!!!'

After a long stream of thoughts – signified by italics and choppy sentences – Sam decides it's time to attack. See, the treaty doesn't cover this, and that's a good excuse. Except, earlier, Sam didn't want to, when they thought the treaty had been broken.

Leah agrees, saying that Bella is dying anyway, and that it'll be quicker if they kill her first. Jacob attacks her. Sam orders him to stop.

Jacob is powerless against the 'Alpha voice'.

Seth also doesn't want to fight; they're his friends, after all. Sam renders him powerless, too.

Jacob remembers that the role of Alpha had been his birthright, and embraces it. He breaks free, becoming a packless Alpha.

Sam tries to assert control; Jacob reminds him that he wasn't born to follow Sam, and that it was supposed to be the other way around.

Sam tells Jacob that Jacob can't defeat him, and that, if he [Jacob] orders them to follow – an incomplete thought, interrupted by Jacob saying that he'll never take anyone's will away in that way.

Sam asks if Jacob belongs to a coven now. Jacob responds. Apparently, the 'alpha' in his voice has some sort of impact, due to his birthright. And possibly his size, because he's bigger than Sam.

Jacob runs away, and the pack throws a wolfy tantrum in the form of a lot of howling.

Suddenly, he's being chased by enthusiastic thoughts. It's Seth.

Jacob tells him to go home.

Seth asks if that's an order.

They discover that they can't hear the other wolves – only eachother.

Jacob has a tantrum of his own. He doesn't actually want to be the alpha of a pack; he wants to be a lone wolf. Ha ha.

They argue about the significance of the change, and decide that they have better things to do. They have to warn the Cullens. So they run, Seth falling into place in 'the traditional spot of the second'.

Seth explains that he wasn't after a promotion; Jacob tells him to run wherever he wants.

They discuss what to do if the other pack shows up, and plan on running patrols. Jacob tells Seth to stop being so optimistic about the reduced numbers of the pack, and their possible unwillingness to attack their own brothers. Jacob tells Seth to shut up.

...then, they wonder if they should be thinking 'We come in peace' at Edward.

More thought-conversing ensues.

The wolves run patrol while the Cullens hook Bella up to an IV and try to feed her that way.

The next day, Leah [Seth's older sister] joins their pack.

Howling, of course, is the warning signal they arranged to warn the Cullens that the pack is coming to attack. This is the second time that Seth's done it – the first being a response to hearing about Edward's plan to pimp Bella out to Jacob for babymaking. Seth gladly leaves to let the Cullens know that it's just his sister.

More thought conversing. I need a word for this...how 'bout thoughtversation?

Leah claims she's here because she wants to protect Seth. Jacob figures out that she's here to get away from Sam. She still loved him; he wanted her to disappear. She finds the idea of protecting vampires far more tolerable than having to put up with that.

Jacob goes to inform the Cullens about what's going on, with his newly larger pack, and with the plans of the other pack. He does so in human form, giving Carlisle some page-time.

Carlisle explains that Bella is already like a daughter to him. He talks about how vampire venom can work miracles, but it can't do anything if the human's heart isn't beating. Also, about how the monsterfoetus won't let her eat. Bella's body is rejecting all forms of nutrition.

Jacob thinks it wants blood and death. I begin to suspect that the monsterfoetus is some sort of meta-embodiment of we who loathe this series, struggling to be birthed into this horrible reality so it can end everything in one violent, toddlery spazfest.

Then, it's time to get medical. Carlisle wishes he knew more about the monsterfoetus. Ultrasounds don't penetrate the amniotic sac, and it's doubtful a needle would, either. Not that it matters; Rosalie won't let Bella consent to an attempted amniocentesis. Carlisle just wants to know a little more, like how many pairs of chromosomes it has.

Humans have 23 pairs; Vampires have...25.

The book crashes into a wall of biological impossibility, exploding like a Pinto and killing everyone involved.

Oh, goddamnit. Werewolves have 24 pairs. I guess everyone did survive.

Carlisle is sorry about poking around in Jacob's blood. He says he can't help it; he's extremely curious.

Edward's been listening in, because he's like that. He thinks Jacob might be right. The monsterfoetus might want blood, after all.

Hey, why not. We've got all that O neg stockpiled for Bella. Let's give her a sip and find out.

Rosalie's all for it. She's being driven by vicarious maternal instinct, though.

Bella asks who's going to catch a bear for her, when they tell her their idea. No, no, let's not cut corners. She agrees anyway, calling it her first vampire act.

Shouldn't that be vampiric act? Act of vampirism?

Jacob watches Bella and Edward interact, and begins to understand why Leah tried to make everyone else suffer. He feels he's in the same position as her. A few paragraphs are spent overstretching that premise.

We get to see the starts of an antagonistic relationship between Jacob and Rosalie while Rosalie's off getting a cup of blood for Bella. Bella's mildly disturbed by the fact that the cup of blood smells nummy.

Of course it does. It's the blood of your fans. You've been sucking it for several books now – the only thing that's changed is that you're doing it in the book. In actual words depicting actions.

Jacob wonders how anyone can stand to live with Edward hearing their thoughts all the time. He finds it annoying. I find it strangely hypocritical, because of the wolf thing.

Bella wants more blood. And some eggs. But mostly more blood. Jacob wants to sleep.

There's howling. Jacob runs off, shifting, forgetting to remove his pants, destroying the only clothes he has left. Four members of the other pack are there to have a chat, but it can't be done as wolves. One of them is coming as a human.

Jacob's pack bickers about rank a bit; Jacob says, again, that he doesn't care where anyone stands. Personally, I'd rather they stand somewhere far away. Preferably in silence.

The members of the other pack are here to deliver a message. Sam wants them to come back. Having the family torn apart is wrong. Sam's calmed down. The elders agree to wait until Bella's 'separated' from the problem.

Jacob's pack has a thoughtversation while the message is delivered. They decide that Sam's betting that Bella's death will make Jacob angry enough to lead the attack himself.

Jacob sends Leah off to run a patrol, and shifts back to human. The other human, Jared, asks him to let Seth and Leah go home.

Jacob mentions that he's been telling them to leave him alone ever since they joined him. He also explains that this isn't just about Bella; he sees many of the Cullens as people worth protecting, too.

Jared switches tactics, trying to guilt Seth into coming home. His mother is brokenhearted and begging, he says. Their father only just died [in New Moon], and now her kids are gone. Jacob exposes this as an obvious manipulation tactic, possibly suggested by Seth and Leah's mother.

Leah returns from patrol. Jared tries convincing her to rejoin them by telling her that she knows she doesn't want to be here, doing what she's doing now, because she has no ties to 'the bloodsuckers'. Also, Sam wants his Lee-lee home, where she belongs.

Leah doesn't take this well.

They discuss what'll happen after. Jacob says that, after Bella's given birth and the Cullens are gone, Seth and Leah are free to return home; he'll be leaving for good. Until then, the other pack needs to remain in its own territory. Howl if you need to talk, but stay on your own side. Oh, and, why did Sam send Colin? Is Embry okay? Tell my dad I love him.

Jared agrees to pass along the instructions, and leaves. Quil remains behind to express his wolfy disappointment.

Time for another thoughtversation. Jacob shifts back, and asks if what he said was okay.

Leah suggests that Jacob should've hit Jared.

They discuss why Embry wasn't allowed to come. The other pack suspects that Embry would defect, too. Embry isn't imprinted on anyone in La Push. Quil would leave, but he has the ever-important imprinting ties that keep him there.

Jacob tells Seth to run the patrols for a bit; he and Leah both need to sleep. They discuss whether or not someone should go inform the Cullens, leading to a peek at the blood-drinking thing in Jacob's thoughts.

Leah's disgusted; Seth thinks it's fine. It's helping Bella, after all.

'Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby,' Leah explains. 'And he used to gnaw on the crib, too.'

Jacob asks if the crib was painted with a lead-based paint, and runs off to update the Cullens. He finds a pile of clothes waiting for him outside, and Bella looking better inside. Rosalie asks him where the flood is [ha ha, your pants, they are too short!], and we have to deal with the first of a string of blonde jokes.

Jacob goes off to take a nap, but Edward wants to talk to him first. Esme is concerned about their homeless status. The word 'bereft' is used. Esme wants to offer food and clothing – they have plenty, since Alice won't let them wear the same thing twice.

Jacob's leaving is interrupted by the monsterfoetus breaking one of Bella's ribs. He sits down next to the open door [vampires and werewolves stink to eachother, as we're constantly reminded]. Alice comes down and offers him a pillow.

We hear all about how the monsterfoetus is giving Alice a headache. Alice can't see it, and it's interfering with her ability to see Bella's future. And this is hurting her. With Jacob around, everything disappears. So, she's going to sit next to Jacob for a while.

He wakes up to find a cold glass of clear liquid waiting for him – it's bleach, though. Rosalie left it as a prank.

Also, Seth is there. And there's food. Seth tells Jacob he should try some, but Jacob would rather hunt.

Speaking of hunting, Carlisle is worried about the rest of his family, and the treaty. Where can they hunt now? Suggestions are made. Jacob tells Seth when he'll want him back, and that he should take a nap. Esme urges Jacob to take some food, and ease her guilt.

Time passes, and we're in for more thoughtversation. Why don't the Cullens just leave? Take Bella and get far away, where Sam can't follow?

Because they need the medical equipment, and there's no time to set up in another place.

Pointlessness follows. The monsterfoetus breaks another rib. Jacob shows up to keep Bella warm. Rosalie bends a mixing bowl into a dog bowl to offer Jacob food. They discuss Bella's due date, which might be in four days.

They discuss why Bella wants Jacob here. She says it makes her feel complete. Jacob suggests that she enjoys his pain. She counteroffers that it's her fault; they were supposed to be together, but she did something wrong. Then, she falls asleep.

Jacob discusses the stupidity of letting her talk to Charlie with Edward. Edward explains that she thinks she can come up with an excuse for everything, and that Charlie will jump to all manner of wrong conclusions, but accept that she's still his Bella.

They discuss the monsterfoetus, and how their research suggests that it'll use its teeth to get out.

Rosalie cuts in to write off the bits of the stories where the mothers don't survive, saying that mothers often died when giving birth in the middle of disease-infested swamps.

Edward moves to attack Rosalie; Jacob makes an offer to do it, instead. He throws the dog bowl at her head.

Rosalie's response? “You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”

Jacob finds this funny. More blonde jokes.

Bella wakes up. The monsterfoetus is stretching; she says it reminds her of Jacob. They both grow so fast.

Carlisle wonders if there could be similarities. If maybe the monsterfoetus has 24 chromosomal pairs like the wolves.

You thought things were stupid before? It only gets worse.

Nevermind, though. Time for more thoughtversating! Jacob and Leah are bonding while checking on a safe place for the Cullens to hunt.

Leah's happy being in Jacob's pack. She wants to stay with him until she can quit being a wolf for good. Jacob helps her with feeding by showing her how to let the wolf take over.

Leah has a chat with Jacob about how she gets Rosalie's perspective. Becoming a wolf has apparently rendered her sterile.

Jacob doesn't want to hear any of this, so he goes off to spend time with Bella. More blonde jokes. Some threats and posturing.

Edward discovers that he can hear the monsterfoetus thinking. It likes the sound of their voices.

They discuss baby names. EJ and Renesmee. Because, see, Renee and Esme.

Edward hears it thinking that it loves them. Jacob feels betrayed, and considers killing everyone. Happy thoughts, but Edward tosses him the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish and tells him to get away for a bit.

Jacob considers totalling it anyway.

He drives off to the nearest city to look at girls, hoping to imprint on someone and end this shit.

Failure, of course. After wandering around a park for a bit, he returns to sit in the car. A girl approaches him, referring to him as 'the guy with the stolen car'.

She offers to help him find the person he's looking for. Then she goes on about the car. Jacob tries to force the imprinting thing, but fails again.

He decides to return the car in one piece, passing guards from the other pack on his way back. Edward is waiting for him, to tell him that he needs to control Leah.

Leah had shown up while he was gone, to lay into Bella about the pain she'd been inflicting on Jacob by asking him to stay.

Also, the monsterfoetus is incredibly advanced. It can communicate with them. It's trying not to move so much, because it doesn't want to hurt its pwecious mommy.

Go on, MonsterFoetus. It's okay. Give mummy a kick in the spleen for me. I bet you're awfully cramped, and stiff from not moving. Just stretch that leg out. Right into the spleen. The soft, lovely, comfortable spleen. Wiggle your foot a bit. Doesn't that feel nice?

No, no, you're not hurting anyone. You're helping. It feels good to help, doesn't it? If you want to stretch out your other foot, you can probably mash her liver into oatmeal while you're at it. That'd make us so happy. You want us to be happy, don't you? Don't you?

They discuss the possibility of delivering the monsterfoetus as soon as Carlisle returns the next day, and Edward asks permission to deviate from the treaty to save her as I reach page 40 of this overly-long review.

Jacob steps outside to think about it with Edward. Seth arrives; Jacob tells him to tell Leah that she shouldn't be so harsh to Bella.

Edward tells Jacob how lucky he is to share the thoughts of someone so pure and kind.

They join Bella inside, and Jacob relents, giving Edward permission to turn her. Bella drops her cup of blood, reaches to get it, and time's up. The placenta detaches, and she starts vomiting blood. I suspect this will not make it into the movie.

The next chapter is called 'there are no words for this.' It's probably true. I feel like I'm running out of words for this, and wishing that Stephenie had run out of words five pages into the first book.

Blood. Everywhere, apparently. And violence. And morphine, a drug that should come with this book. Rosalie cuts into Bella's abdomen. More blood, and Rosalie goes from helpful to wanting to feed. Jacob attacks her, and she doesn't put up a fight.

The monsterfoetus breaks Bella's spine.

Jacob performs CPR while Edward gets to work on a back-alley Caesarean, biting through the amniotic sac. It's a girl; we're stuck with the name Renesmee for the rest of the fucking book.

Bella wants to see her, to hold her. Renesmee bites her.

She dies. Thank fucking god.

But, no. More CPR. The baby's handed off to Rosalie [Jacob suggests that it be thrown out a window]. Edward produces a syringe of his venom. How the fuck did that happen? Is it like milking a snake? Did he spend months biting onto a cup with a bit of rubber stretched over it, milking himself?

Still more CPR. And repeated bitings. And now, vampire saliva apparently has healing ability, too.

Edward labours to keep her heart beating. Jacob feels pulled downstairs. Away, he thinks. Then, maybe, to the thing named Renesmee. He wants to kill it.

Strike that. He imprints on it. On a newborn.

Y'know what? I don't have enough words for this. Not after the earlier thing with the toddler. I'm glad this is the end of the second book, because I seriously have nothing more to say. Sorry. No words; just this:

Thank you. You can't possibly know how much it means to me that you wish to put me out your misery; but I must continue to cling to life. I must finish this.

It's become a holy quest – a crusade, if you will. I don't know what I'll find when I reach my destination. Perhaps a sense of accomplishment, and an incredibly high [for me] page count.

Now, if you'll hold still a moment and permit me to tie this rope around you, I'll hitch you to this truck and we'll continue our trip into hell.

I’d had more than my fair share of near-death experiences; it wasn’t something you ever
really got used to.

It seemed oddly inevitable, though, facing death again. Like I really was marked for disaster. I’d escaped time and time again, but it kept coming back for me.

Still, this time was so different from the others.

You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers—the monsters, the enemies.

When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it?

If it was someone you truly loved?

--Breaking Dawn Book 1 Prologue

Oh, for fucks sake, you whiny, overwrought, spoiled little brat, are you really sitting at a stop light, worrying that people are staring at you because you're that freshly engaged girl in the completely unlikely Mercedes Guardian?

Yes, I suppose you are. And, there you are, filling the car up, and some supposedly more-knowledgeable man identifies it as such, stating that it's not even available in Europe yet, and wanting to take a picture of himself with it.

Now, I can't be sure, since I probably know as much about this car as the author of this pile of unrelenting suck, but...a quick google hasn't really given me much in the way of...distinguishing features that identify the difference between your standard Mercedes S Class and the armoured version. The S600 Guard looks...entirely unremarkable, except for the fact that half of the pictures I've found show it on fire.

While it does appear to have some nice features, I kinda doubt that it's possible for the car – armoured as it may be – to withstand a tank deliberately driving over it. Also: missile proof glass? Really?

That's okay. The car's going away soon. See, it's the 'before' car – on loan from someone. Edward's just trying to keep her safe.

She fails to blow up while pumping gas, and heads back to the Cullen residence, passing Hearts In Atlantis style lost pet posters that just happen to be stuck to every vertical, rod or trunk shaped object between points A and B.

No. Not really. They're just posters asking if anyone's seen Jacob; he's still off having a large, wolfy sulk in Canada.

We find out that the wolf that fought alongside Edward – Seth – is friendly with the Cullens now. The other wolves don't approve, but he's going to the wedding anyway.

The story thus far derails [leaving far too few bodies]; someone left a flashback on the tracks. Stepping back to examine the scene of the accident, one might notice that it has the air of a clumsy attempt to bridge the gap between 'now' and 'the previous book'.

Ah, yes. Yes it is. Because here's Bella and Edward, sitting on the loveseat in Charlie's house. Charlie's just gotten home from work, and Bella wants Edward to wait until he's hung up his gun, because, recent efforts to like Edward aside, she's convinced that this will lead to...some sort of desperately ineffectual gun violence leading to exactly zero deaths. A tragedy, in other words.

'We have some good news.'

'You're pregnant, aren't you.'

No. But Edward wants to say he's sorry for not asking permission first, before proposing.

Charlie gloats, because he's not going to be the one to tell Renee; Bella can handle her mom's reaction all on her own.

Poor Charlie. Renee's happy for Bella, telling her that all the awful things she said about marriage applied only to her. Her precious daughter has never been a teenager, always sticks to her decisions once her mind is made up, and is lucky to have found another old soul. Now, let's get planning!

Fittings and frettings ensue as we suddenly leap back into the story already in progress. And recaps, because the reader may've managed to completely obliterate certain details from their mind through long, expensive nights of heavy drinking. We must be reminded that Edward can't read Bella's thoughts.

'You should go to your bachelor party – which, of course, is nothing but a regular hunting trip – but, first, I need to spend a few pages re-re-re-describing your perfectly magnificent angelicness, my perfect marble statue of a vampire. Then, I shall spend many pages remembering the guest list, and some backstories for character development purposes.'

The coven from Alaska – referred to as the Denalis – used to have a mother. A mother who serves as a segue to a story about 'the immortal children'. Infants and toddlers who'd been turned. Beautiful creatures you couldn't help but love. Lisping two-year-olds who destroyed villages in their tantrums. All feeding indiscriminately; all unteachable. So, they were destroyed. Those who protected the godawful creatures were also destroyed. The 'mother' in the Denali clan was one of them.

Bella dreams of protecting one of these things from the Volturi.

Wedding time. No, no, don't look at the decorations yet; I want to save them so that you can describe them while you're walking down the aisle. Have some combined smells instead: orange blossoms, lilac, roses, and freesia.

The idea seems strangely...stinky, to me. Or possibly just 'lilac', because it tends to overpower things. Then again, I don't know about orange blossoms, so I can't really say. Someone who knows more about the potential floral stenchitude should chime in here....

Makeup, dress, more inanity. Renee arrives to gush over her daughter's dress, and the awesomeness of all the planning. And to give her a gift that covers the 'old' and 'blue' parts of the stupid saying. The dress, they claim, counts as 'new', and Alice loans her a garter.

She doesn't fall down the stairs and die from her old, blue hair combs puncturing her skull and skewering her brain.

The wedding is magical and wonderful and sickening. The reception struggles on like that hand from the last book. The bouquet toss; the garter toss. The cake. The dances. Bella comforts Charlie by saying he should have her arrested for criminal negligence – the crime being that she's leaving him to cook on his own.

And she finally sees herself in a mirror. Edward standing next to some strange, dark-haired beauty. Edward complains about Mike's 'inappropriate thoughts about a married woman.'

Jacob arrives; Bella dances with him, deciding that she'd never done anything to deserve a friend like him.

He says he wants to remember her as she is right now. She steps on his feet. He wants to know when she'll be turned, informing her that she can't have a 'real honeymoon' with a vampire.

'Uh huh'

'Nuh uh'

'Can so!'

'That's sick!'

A fight nearly breaks out, and we get a dose of Edward in self-loathing mode again, wondering what he was thinking even offering to give Bella a 'real honeymoon'.

More dancing. Alice swoops in to force Bella to change into a 'going away dress', and they're on a plane, heading to an unnamed destination...after a shower of 'I'll love you forevers' and rice thrown by vampires.

You'd think that vampires would be able to kill a human that way, but, no. Again, tragic.

Washington to Houston to Rio to...a dock. And then...a private island. Isle Esme, on loan from Esme, who got it as a gift from Carlisle.

Yes. They're disgustingly, conspicuously wealthy.

He carries her off the boat...and leaves her to wait for her in the water outside. She fills a few pages going from postponing to panic to confident, finally joining him in the water.

Suddenly, it's morning.

She wakes to find him cynical, severe, and not looking at her.

He didn’t open his eyes; it was like he didn’t want to see me.

“Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I’m not a monster.”

Wounded, shocked, I followed his instruction unthinkingly and then gasped.

What had happened to me? I couldn’t make sense of the fluffy white snow that clung to
my skin. I shook my head, and a cascade of white drifted out of my hair.

--Breaking Dawn Book 1, Chapter 5: Isle Esme

Take a moment to come to your own entertaining or revolting conclusions. Feel free to share them with me in the comments. I'll wait; find me here when you're done.

There are also bruises. Lots of bruises. Bruises that match Edward's hands. He's so sorry; he's a monster; she should never forgive him. He wallows in self-pity, like a good abuser the morning after.

If you're curious, the fluffy white snow was down. Edward bit the pillows.

Edward keeps her worn out by feeding her a lot of food, and actively exploring the island with her. Bella tries to trade another year of life for more sex.

Because sex between two virgins on their wedding night is always amazing. Always. And it always leaves you wanting more.

Well, the second half might be true. You might feel like you want more, in that 'what, exactly, am I missing, because that wasn't anywhere near as good as people said' kind of way.

Eventually, he relents. Beds and lingerie are destroyed.

People arrive to bring food and...possibly clean up. One of them seems to suspect that Edward brought Bella here to feed off her, because of local legends. They leave. Lunch is made. More furniture is destroyed.

Edward leaves to hunt on the mainland; Bella wakes up alone and starving. She tries to make fried chicken, but gets impatient, and eats it from the pan while it's cooking. It tastes wrong – and smells wrong, eventually – to her, so she throws it away.

She gets sick.

Bella's tired. Bella's having strange dreams. Bella's hungry. Bella's vomiting...but still hungry. Bella's late.

Bella's pregnant.

Bella's supernaturally pregnant. Five days late, but she's already got an identifiable 'bump'.

Time for a few paragraphs of attempted justification. The incubus and succubus get trotted out, and an excuse for why female vampires can't get pregnant [their bodies never change, and pregnancies require change], while male vampires can get human females pregnant [their bodies never change, which means their sperm are always good].

The phone rings. It's Alice. Bella wants to talk to Carlisle. She thinks she feels something moving around inside her.

She begins to refer to it as 'her little nudger', and they're off, flying home again. Edward wants to get rid of it before it hurts her.

Bella, however, has become very attached to it. She's spent a couple of paragraphs talking about how much she never understood why anyone would want a baby, but, now that there's one in her, she can't bear to let it go. She wants to protect it, so she calls the only person she can think of who would want this baby as much as she would: Rosalie.

Ah hah! There's the reason for that incredibly creepy story about Rosalie's turning, and why she picked Emmett.

I think I'll leave this here, and do another post for the second...book...in this...book.

Why? Because I'm a bitch, and I want you to suffer.

ALL OUR ATTEMPTS AT SUBTERFUGE HAD BEEN IN VAIN.

With ice in my heart, I watched him prepare to defend me. His intense concentration betrayed no hint of doubt, though he was outnumbered. I knew that we could expect no help - at this moment, his family was fighting for their lives just as surely as he was for ours.

Would I ever learn the outcome of that other fight? Find out who the winners and the losers
were? Would I live long enough for that?

The odds of that didn't look so great.

Black eyes, wild with their fierce craving for my death, watched for the moment when my protector's attention would be diverted. The moment when I would surely die.

Somewhere, far, far away in the cold forest, a wolf howled.

You know the drill. Now, hang on tight. This time, there is no beach; just glass, medical waste, sharps, and those little curly bits of metal that you get when you use a drill press on metal.

In case you deliberately forgot: Bella's grounded, because she disappeared for three days, dove off a cliff and almost died, and was learning how to ride a motorcycle. The Cullens have returned to Forks. Jacob won't talk to Bella because, I don't know, Bella wants have her Gay Best Friend and her Member of the Phelps Family Best Friend at the same time?

Edward refuses to turn Bella unless she agrees to marry him; Bella's afraid of marriage because of her parents' marriage. And Victoria's not dead, which means that this book might have something besides teen angst as its antagonist....

Already, there are hints. Lots of random, unsolvable murders in Seattle.

I almost forgot – the 'book we're forced to accept references to' theme reappears; this time, it's Wuthering Heights.

Ih. I can't believe I'm still doing this.

Charlie offers to parole Bella, or give her probationary freedom, or something, with one condition: that she start spending time with other friends. Like, say, Jacob. Also, there's a college acceptance letter from Alaska.

Oh, hell. Edward's here. Time for paragraphs of overwrought bullshit about how desperately, inhumanly amazing he is. Some fan somewhere has probably compiled a list of all the words used to describe Edward. Possibly a numbered, sorted list, according to how many times each word was used.

I'm not sure if I want to see that list.

Somewhere in that truckload of descriptors, Edward's stashed some stamps. And some more college applications. Because he wants Bella to go to college; his family is willing to buy her way in with large donations. And pay her tuition. And Edward's willing to forge her applications.

Edward wants to to experience college as a human. Not that it matters; she won't remember much of her human life after she's turned, according to everything the various vampires in the story have ever said.

If only we were so lucky. No, we have to sit here with very clear memories of their forced critique of Wuthering Heights. Edward hoping that Bella would never fall in love with someone so malignant.

Yeah. Thanks for that, Mary Sue. We know you see nothing wrong with your perfectly perfect fantasy romance. Honestly, though? It feels as if you've taken the first couple of seasons of Buffy and stripped her relationship with Angel of all its redeeming qualities.

Back to the perfect, controlling male model and his 'why would you ever want me, I'm nothing' victim, though. Bella wants to spend time with Jacob on the reservation; Edward says it isn't safe; I start abusing semicolons.

In case you didn't catch it the first time around, Bella's now in her senior year. Because she's so amazingly brilliant, and able to keep up on schoolwork, even through the deepest, gothiest depression, and the ten thousand crippling injuries she gets every day just brushing her goddamn teeth.

Bella makes plans with one of the normal kids at school. Said normal kid is apparently related to the entire population of...some reasonably populated area between the body counts of China and Svalbard. Alice wants to make plans, too. Alice wants to go shopping. Alice apparently...unlives? ..for shopping. And possibly dressing up Bella as if she were her very own walking, talking doll.

Alice is disappointed to find out that she can't take Bella shopping in a different country.

School ends. More mundane, day-to-day bullshit. Edward finds the car stereo, and asks why Bella felt the need to torture it before killing it, and says he'll have to replace it.

Vampires are more emotionally fragile than your average parrot.

Speaking of fragile, Esme [the 'mother' in the vampire family] and Carlisle are about to get their feelings hurt, too. The tickets – or, actually, a voucher for tickets [oops] – will expire soon. Edward wants to go the weekend of the prom; he brings it up to Charlie.

Charlie, prone to bouts of random, violent anger as he is, responds by shouting and turning purple. Bella isn't going anywhere with Edward.

Bella threatens to move out, and asks if he'd be mad if she went to visit her mother with Jacob. Charlie says 'yes', meaning 'no.'

After Edward 'leaves' for the night, we get to experience that awesome, awkward rite of parental passage: the talk. Bella and Charlie argue over who's more embarrassed about this, and the reader loses out when we find out how old fashioned Edward is, and that Bella doesn't plan on losing her virginity any time soon.

Who would want to go to bed after that little chat? We certainly don't get to. Bella decides that she wants to get the hell out of there, and talk to Jacob. Her dad approves.

But her truck won't start. Surprise. Edward was waiting for her, and had taken out some unnamed piece of her truck's engine

Does this sound healthy to you? No? Good.

He explains that her future had disappeared [according to Alice, who's been keeping an eye on her that way], and that, if she doesn't want him to visit tonight, she should shut her window.

She lets him in anyway.

The trip to Florida gets almost entirely skipped in the book, and mostly just referred to through jokes about how Bella would rather drink water than breathe it. Forks is so dry, y'know, and she's glad to come home, where she finds out that Jacob's been calling incessantly, and really wants to talk to her.

It takes Bella several pages to figure out why Jacob needed to hear her voice and find out if she was attending school the next day: he'd been assuming that her little three day vacation was her official turning.

The next morning, Jacob shows up at the school. Because, apparently, Bella was wrong about why he called. Jacob just wanted a safe place – with witnesses – to talk to Edward. About some event that happened over the weekend involving Emmett and one of the other werewolves. Bella figures out that the whole Florida trip was all because Edward wanted her out of the area, because Alice saw that Victoria would be in the area.

Meanwhile, Jacob's tormenting Edward with memories of Bella.

The principal arrives, cutting off an annoying conversation about whether or not Bella wants to visit Jacob on the reservation.

In class, Bella and Edward have a very strange note-passing fit that involves erasing everything previously written, and Edward's perfect personal calligraphy. He explains the situation, and then goes on to explain how he'd have saved her life if something had happened on the plane. Pilots passed out, drunk? He'll fly it, of course. Engines gone? He'd grab her, kick out the side of the plane, and jump as soon as the ground was close enough.

That shit's almost as tiresome as the betting Bella overhears over who would win in a fight: Jacob or Edward?

It's time for another 'hammered in your face' metaphor! Bella's got a job at one of the stores in town, and doesn't want to be early, so she plays with some fridge magnets. The last two magnets wouldn't cooperate with her 'lining them up' plan – magnets, they're so fickle – and she eventually stands there trying to force them to stick together off the fridge.

Sorta like how she can't force her two best friends together, see? Isn't that oh so clever.

Work is slow, so she's told to leave. After seeing a conveniently placed 'Save the Olympic Wolf' flyer, she decides to race off to La Push before anyone sees her deciding to do it.

The story about the 'boundary crossing incident' – there's this treaty between the vampires and the wolves, if I haven't mentioned that before – gets told again, probably so that we get to hear all about how Jasper's 'abilities' work on the wolves [Jasper can control people's emotions, but not in any interesting way; he doesn't, for example, make it rain kittens].

Jacob tries to get metaphorical after an eagle catches a fish, calling it the natural order, and talking about how you never see fish trying to kiss eagles. Then, it's backstory time again.

We get to hear all about the pack. How Sam, the alpha, was the first to change, and had no idea what was going on because his father and grandfather were both gone. How he disappeared for two weeks. And about his highschool sweetheart, Leah, who got dumped when Sam imprinted on her cousin, Emily.

Because, you see, werewolves have soul mates, and they imprint the instant they see them. A bond that lasts, even if one of them loses control and mauls the other.

Not that the female 'mates' are wolves. At this point in the story, it seems that only males can become wolves. They're allowed to know everything, though.

Imprinting is supposed to be rare, and an exception. Unlikely to happen.

Speaking of unlikely: the wolf-boys are no longer getting any older. They can age, if they stop shifting into wolf form for a long time. Hearing this, Bella pitches a fit, complete with foot stomping and petulant squealing about how she's the only one who has to get older.

Yeah. I know. We feel it to. We're all getting a hell of a lot older, and we're never, ever going to get this time back.

You guys should feel glad. Sure, I'm just about to hit my 18th page here, but I've saved you all a hell of a lot of time. Where do I go to get compensated for this, exactly?

Jacob and Bella argue about Jacob's inability to refer to the Cullens as anything beyond their version of 'nigger' [leech, blood sucker, whatever]. 'I'm a werewolf! And he's a vampire!' The brilliant retort? 'And I'm a Virgo!'

I agree. Vampires and werewolves are equally as silly as astrology.

Bella has to run off to Angela's house now – that friend from school with more relatives than there are envelopes in the entire state of Washington. The shiny silver Volvo is waiting for her at the border; it follows her there.

Since I've never mentioned that before, the Volvo is one of the Cullen's cars.

She gets to Angela's; Angela's boyfriend leaves. Angela thanks Bella for saving her from a plotless film. There must be a word for this....

Nevermind. We're late for a trip into girlychat hell. Angela explains to dense little Bella that Jacob is in love with her, and Edward's probably jealous.

Bella fails to accidentally cut her head off with an envelope, or jam a pen into her brain. She arrives home safely, and finds Edward waiting for her in her room.

They fight. Bella refers to herself as Switzerland, refusing to get involved in territorial disputes between mythical creatures [and ruining the term for me; I'm not sure I'll ever be able to call myself 'chat Switzerland' ever again]. Edward tells her she smells like a dog, and the argument is over.

Except, the next day, Alice informs Bella that she's kidnapping her and holding her hostage at the house. Edward's paid her off with a shiny new yellow Porsche. Exactly like the one she stole in the last book. All Alice has to do is keep Bella away from the werewolves while Edward's hunting for the weekend.

Or, rather, for every time he's gone hunting. Because this is such a healthy relationship.

Bella finally starts to notice that it's a bit controlling and psychotic. Except...it doesn't take. Obviously.

She calls Jacob to cancel her plans to see him over the weekend, informing him that she's being held prisoner and tortured – Alice painted her toenails.

There's nobody around to rescue us, though.

Alice introduces Bella to the new bed Edward bought for her. Black, wrought iron, sculpted metal roses. And, I don't know what this says about me, but I suddenly realised that I might object less to this entire series if the pathetic wordsex relationship was happening between Alice and Bella....

But, no. That would be gay, and therefore wrong in a world where old-fashioned vegetarian vampires refuse to sleep with or turn girls before they've been married....

Rosalie drops by for a chat after Bella goes to bed...on the sofa that's also in the room. She wants to explain even more about why she voted 'no' in the last book. We get to hear all about how she was turned.

Eighteen. Daughter of rich parents in the Great Depression. Beautiful, and pleased with the attention she got. And probably being used by her parents to gain higher social status. They set her up with the son of the owner of pretty much everything in town. She'd envied a friend who married at seventeen and had a kid, then began to pity her because her 'whirlwind courtship' would soon turn into a family of her own.

She'd been visiting that same friend, and was walking home, when she ran into her future husband and his friends. Apparently, they raped her and left her to die in the street. Carlisle found her – she knew him at the time, and didn't like him much because his family was more beautiful than she was. He turned her.

She tells Bella about the painful process, and about the conversations she overheard during it. And about how she felt so much better when she saw her reflexion, and realised she was more beautiful than ever. And then how she began to understand that her beauty was to blame for her death. If she'd been ugly, like her friend, she'd have been allowed to marry someone she loved. And have babies. Because all she ever wanted was babies.

Then, she brags about her record: she's only ever murdered five people. Never tasted human blood, though. She just wanted revenge.

A little more forced character development. Rosalie was always so annoyed with Bella because Edward wanted Bella. Not that Rosalie wanted Edward. She's just vain, you see, and it bothered her that Edward thought Bella was more attractive. And she's just so upset that Bella would throw away her chance at life and babies. Because, babies!

Oh, and the reason she has Emmett? A bear was mauling him, and he reminded her of her friend's little baby.

That's...just icky.

The next day, Jacob shows up at school to counter-abduct Bella. They hang out, and discuss the latest news about the pack. Another member has imprinted...on a two year old.

Jacob doesn't think he'll ever imprint. Or, possibly, he thinks he has, but it doesn't matter, because his already belongs to someone else.

They discuss happier times, and less than happy times. They discuss the treaty, and how it'll be violated if any of the Cullens bite her, or if, say, one of the tribe tells about what they are; something Jacob did back in the first book.

Bella asks if Jacob will ever forgive her for being turned; Jacob complains that his friend will be gone. Then, he finds out that the time frame isn't 'years', but 'weeks'.

Jacob says he'd prefer it if Bella were dead. Bella runs off – or, rather, rides off on her motorcycle, back to the Cullen house.

Somehow, she manages to avoid death, even though it's raining, and she has no protective gear.

Alice is sad, of course. She thinks Edward will take her shiny new car back because she failed. Bella takes a shower and go to bed. Or sofa. Or something.

She wakes up to Edward in bed with her, and we're subjected to a tame make-out session. They talk; Edward informs her that he's going to trust her judgement regarding La Push and Jacob. Isn't that lovely? Just in time, too, because Bella doesn't think she'll be going back.

She returns home the next day to find that Jacob's called, and that things are missing from her room. Did her dad do the laundry? No, of course not. Perhaps it was Alice, tidying up when she was there getting things for the hostage party? No.

Edward arrives, and smells something off. Not werewolves, though. A strange vampire.

Edward calls to have Jasper and Emmett guard the house – fun fact: vampires can talk so quickly that humans can't hear/understand them. And it works over phones.

They run off to chat with Alice, who didn't see anything. Nobody knows what's going on. Bella demands to be turned right then.

No. Of course they can't. It'd hurt Charlie. They'll just need to be more careful. Set guards.

Charlie, at this point, is thrilled at the tension he's seeing between Edward and Bella. And Bella's unthrilled that Jacob's calling again. She thinks she's going to die soon, and really doesn't want to leave things with Jacob as they are.

She calls Jacob. She's sorry; Jacob's sorry; Edward wants to talk to Jacob.

He explains that someone was in Bella's room, and asks if the pack has come across any strange scents. They discuss a renegotiation of the treaty, and Edward leaves so Jacob can come over and have a sniff.

Now for an exciting scene of Bella and Jacob washing dishes! And Jacob cutting himself accidentally so we can have yet another demonstration of how quickly werewolves heal. I suppose that goes nicely with the explanation of why he's constantly running around barefoot, in...possibly ratty sweatpants. I honestly don't know. Because, in a fit of realism, the author decided that their clothes don't poof in and out of existence, making for entertainingly bad CG wolves whose pants explode off of them in the previews for the movies.

Yay.

Jacob leaves; Edward returns with the mail. Dartmouth accepted her based on the application Edward forged for Bella.

The washing machine conveniently makes some noise, distracting them from the argument over Bella postponing her turning, and reminding Bella to ask about finding out from Alice where her things were. Apparently, this never got brought up before – things with her scent on them were missing.

Seattle comes up again – someone [some vampire] up there might just be creating an army of brand new baby vampires. Which might bring the Volturi down on the entire area.

Then, they talk about whether or not Bella wants to go to some gathering on the reservation. And whether or not Bella would agree to to let Edward take her to the boundary line, and give her a cellphone so he could pick her up. She agrees, and decides that now would be a good time to take the motorcycle back to Jacob.

Edward, apparently, went shopping. He bought some shiny, fast superbike. And a helmet and jacket for Bella.

They decide not to take the bikes after all, and head to the hand off point. Because, as it says in the book, it's just like two parents who don't get along, handing off their child for visitation.

Also, I suppose we're meant to believe that he fit the motorcycle in the trunk of the Volvo.

It's story time again. The pack and the elders, and possibly some other members of their family, are having a little...legend-telling thing. Any excuse to fill a few pages, I guess.

It starts with spirit warriors: people who would leave their bodies, go into the 'spirit realm', and control the wind and various animals to help them win battles against enemies who decided the lands were cursed [which, naturally, prevents others from attempting much of anything].

One of the spirit warriors decides to steal the tribal chief's body, take charge, and pass all sorts of strange rules. Like: no more spirit realm. He also took two other wives.

The chief, trapped and angry, calls on a large wolf to kill his own body. The wolf kills one of the people protecting the imposter; the chief calls off the attack and orders the wolf away.

It didn't leave, though. After a while, the chief envied the wolf its body, and asked it to make room for him, and share. As the wolf, he returned to his tribe, and tried to communicate with them by yelping the songs of the tribe.

Yes. Seriously. Ever played Twilight Princess? The special grass that lets you call the flying thing as a wolf, and all that? Please, share in my annoyance....

The older spirit warriors knew that the wolf was under the control of the spirit. The false chief was hiding, so one of them decided to break the rules and enter the spirit realm.

The false chief, coming out to see if the wolf has been 'defeated' yet, sees this, and tries to kill the now empty body of the person breaking his rule. The guy jumps back into his body, but is killed before he can say anything.

The actual chief is pissed. Bullshit explanation alert: his anger was human, and the wolf couldn't handle it; the wolf turned into the 'flesh interpretation of the chief's spirit.

Of course, he went on to father many sons, all of whom could change into wolves. And all the wolves were different, reflecting the spirit of the man. He lived a very long time, and eventually found 'his true spirit wife', gave up the wolf gig, and planned to die with her.

Then there's another story, about the first time the pack met vampires. They killed one, and the vampire's mate came to get revenge. She slaughtered most of the village, including one of the old chief's sons, upsetting him enough to force him to change into a wolf again and attempt to fight. His wife saved him by distracting the vampire – she stabbed herself.

There's some explanation about how the packs remained small after that – two or three wolves at a time, and a story about the treaty with the Cullens.

Jacob returns Bella to Edward's custody, with a promise that he'll be standing guard in the woods outside her house that night.

Yay. That's over. But the book isn't. Because, now, we have to have a graduation party! And Alice has to tell Bella about it, because, if she doesn't, she's seen that Bella will have another tantrum. Also, she's foreseen what Bella will get her for graduation.

Shockingly annoying talent she has there.

Anything to pad out the book some more. Like, say, Bella flipping out over the date instead. Because she's going to be turned soon, and has to leave everything behind. Also, she wants to know what she's getting Alice.

Concert tickets, but, whatever. She also wants to know why Edward doesn't want her to be a vampire.

Because he feels like he's being selfish, wanting her to stay with him literally 4eva. And not having to worry about breaking her. And a bunch of other annoying, mushy crap.

Continuing with the random Q&A, Edward wants to know why Bella won't marry him. The answer? She doesn't want to be the girl that gets married fresh out of highschool because she's pregnant.

Seattle again. Because we've spent enough time discussing other insipid crap. 39 people are dead, and the news is debating over whether it could be a serial killer or gang activity. Allegedly, the bodies are so badly burned that dental records need to be used to identify them. There are also disappearances.

Off to Wayne Manor the Cullen's house! For...more talking. More stories.

It's time for Jasper to tell his story. And show off his scars.

He explains about how vampire covens in the south are constantly warring for control over the most populated areas. They would create armies of newborn vampires – because new vampires are stronger than old ones for the first year – and try to wipe each other out.

Jasper, as a human, joined the Confederate Army at seventeen, and quickly rose to the rank of Major because of his ability. He was turned, and, because of his ability to manipulate emotions, was useful enough to be allowed to survive. He eventually escaped to the north, and, because he also feels the emotions of others – and, I guess, was no longer around people who were constantly filled with anger and hatred – began to feel guilty about feeding off people. He met Alice, who was [of course] waiting for him. And they went off to find the Cullens.

The point of all those pages of backstory, of course, was the army-forming. Some vampire is forming an army, probably to come after the Cullens. It's time to call for help – the coven in Alaska, who are also 'vegetarians'.

Except, no. Because one of them was 'involved' with Laurent. She'll only agree if she can destroy the wolves that killed him.

Oh, and the graduation party isn't off. And Bella needs to study for finals. And, it's time for another custody exchange.

And time for Jacob to tell Bella that he's in love with her; he wants Bella to pick him. He kisses her; she punches him.

She breaks her hand.

Jacob takes her home. Bella calls Edward. Threats ensue. Charlie doesn't want any fighting, and threatens to put his badge on.

Bella suggests that her father arrest her. Fortunately, Jacob doesn't want to press charges; Bella in Jail won't end the books the way Bella Dead would....

Edward informs Jacob that if he ever returns Bella in less than perfect condition, he'll be less one limb, and that, if he ever tries to kiss her again, he'll break Jacob's jaw.

At this point, I'm just about desperate enough that any violence will do.

Stunning retort: 'What if she wants it?'

Then Edward won't object. But he intends to fight for her, unfairly if necessary.

Off to the Cullen's for free medical care. Emmett's pleased, of course, because, hey, violence. Also, he's got a bet with Jasper about how many people Bella will kill in her first year.

Suddenly, we're back at Bella's house, looking for clothes, and coming to another obvious plot point. Alice drops off some clothes for Bella to wear to the graduation party, and Bella suddenly figures out that it was the vampires in Seattle who stole her stuff, partly to test and see if they could find a hole in Alice's ability to see the future, and partly to find a way to lead others to Bella.

But it's graduation time. Maybe we'll get lucky, and some sort of tragic accident will happen involving those hats, or a stage light....

No. Graduation ceremony over, she tells Edward what she figured out. Edward bails for a bit. Charlie takes Bella out for dinner, where she once again fails to die from a tragic spoon accident.

Charlie frets about how he's let his daughter down by not teaching her how to throw a punch. See, even though he cheered Jacob on [after the fact], he's feeling guilty. Bella should know how to defend herself if someone were to, say, kiss her without her permission.

He recommends keeping her thumb inside her fist. I think it's a great idea, teaching her how to defend herself. Three hundred pages of Bella inadvertently punching herself in the face would be spectacularly awesome right now.

And, since there's a party now, perhaps the thoughts of the inadvertent self-guttings she'd inflict on herself if anyone were to try to teach her how to handle a sharper weapon will get us through....

Jacob shows up at the party with two of his friends: Quil and Embry. He's got a graduation present for Bella: a bracelet with a little hand-carved wolf charm.

A decision is finally made: the vampires are coming to get Bella. There's no time to call in help – except, they no longer need to. Because there's a whole back of wolves looking for a fight, and Jacob's volunteering them.

They make plans to meet up at three in the morning for a little training out in a clearing in the woods.

There are ten wolves now. They have a chat with Carlisle – through Edward, because they can't be bothered to become human again.

Now, we're subjected to fanciful descriptions of the training meeting. Jasper having Emmett demonstrate a newborn's standard attack; Jasper trying to fight Alice, and losing out to her ability to see the future; Jasper and Edward fighting to a draw.

At the end, the pack leader, Sam, decides that it would be wise to become familiar with the Cullens' scents, so they don't get confused during the fight. This downtime allows Jacob – described as a reddish-brown wolf that just so happens to be shaggier than the others – to approach Bella and completely neglect to kill her by licking her face.

Then, Jacob slips off to become human to discuss where they'll be stashing Charlie and Bella during the fight. Charlie can be stashed at the reservation easily enough, but they're likely to find Bella there. And, since they've got this unfortunate desire to keep her alive, that's not a good plan.

So they decide to try hiding her scent by having Jacob carry her off somewhere. It works, and they come up with a plan to lay a false trail, and then carry her off somewhere else.

The next evening, Edward complains about the bracelet, and the unfairness that everyone else gets to give Bella presents without her throwing a tantrum. She attempts to justify it with 'you've given me you!'

He processed that for a moment, and then rolled his eyes. "The way you regard me is ludicrous."

--Eclipse Chapter 19: Selfish

Yeah. I hate to say it, but I agree.

They argue about whether or not Bella should be in the clearing some more, and whether or not she could get Seth [another wolf] or Jacob to show her the way to the fight.

Edward, who now knows all about the pack from reading their minds, informs her that Jacob is second in command, and that, if Sam wouldn't give the order to keep her away, Jacob probably would. Also, one of the wolves is a female – Leah, the packleader's ex. And she's malicious, bringing up things like the questionable parentage of Embry. Jerry Springer with wolves. Joy.

But, back to the point. Bella's learning how to manipulate, and she gets Edward to agree to stay with her wherever they plan to hide her instead of joining the fight.

Edward and Alice trade places, so he can go discuss sitting out the fight. And so Alice can tell Charlie all about how everyone else is going hiking, and she'll be left all alone. That, of course, gets him to agree to let Bella spend the time with Alice at her place.

We're off to another training session, where Bella has a chat with Jacob in wolf form. Then, off to the Cullen house, where Edward and Bella are alone. Edward attaches a large, heart-shaped diamond to the other side of Bella's new bracelet, calling it an accurate representation of himself with a whole list of words that can be boiled down to tacky.

Bella tries to get Edward to sleep with her. She wants to do it before she's turned. Edward demonstrates that he's afraid he might break her by breaking the bed.

He then requests that Bella stop trying to remove her clothes, and that she marry him before they even attempt such a filthy thing as the sex. Because he wants their virtues to remain intact. Just in case.

Alice sees the future where they sneak off to Vegas to get married, and uses the 'Do you love me' thing on Bella to get permission to plan the wedding.

Off to set the fake trail. Touching things, leaving behind stray hairs. Tripping, cutting herself, and deciding to leave hints of her blood everywhere.

Nine miles of terribly boring conversation later, Jacob brings Bella to the camp site where they'll be hiding her. Jacob wants Bella to 'play the field', and to admit that she's in love with him. We also find out that Jacob's supposed to be the alpha, but he didn't want to step up.

It's the middle of June, right? Right. A really, really bad snowstorm hits. Bella's freezing. Edward tells Jacob to 'fetch a space heater', so he gets into the tent. And into the sleeping bag with Bella.

More time for inane chat, yay. Bella wants to know why Jacob's wolf form is shaggier than the others. Isn't it obvious? It's because he's letting his hair grow back out.

Edward complains about Jacob's fantasies, and how loud they are. They have a long chat about Bella while Bella 'sleeps'.

The uneasy truce ends the next morning. Edward and Bella compare notes on their top ten best nights – a ploy to get Jacob to overhear that Bella has agreed to marry Edward.

Jacob runs off. Edward brings him back at Bella's request. Pages upon pages of weepy emo bullshit. Jacob threatens to let himself be killed in the fight, thereby manipulating her into asking him to kiss her.

She imagines an entire annoying future with him; a paragraph that feels like a lifetime. I think I'd like to die now.

Ohthankgodthefight'sstarted.

Edward relays a play by play as told by Seth, the werewolf that's been left to guard them, or keep them in touch with the others, or something.

For some unnamed reason, Edward tells Seth to go...somewhere. Shortly thereafter, Victoria arrives. With help.

Yay. Help. Help for us. We're back at the prologue! Death plees kthx!

Seth returns to even the odds. Boo.

Bella decides to reenact the story of the third wife. Yay!

There's an entertaining scene in which the other vampire – Riley – gets his arm torn off, and it's flung toward Bella. And the arm starts crawling mindlessly away.

Then, the fight's over. More talking. 'Aren't you afraid of me?' 'Of course not.'

Except it's not over; one of the wolves gets hurt by a straggler. Jacob, of course, but he survives.

Bella faints. Tragically, she wakes up again, after they've reached the rest of the family.

One of the newborns surrendered. She's by the fire in the clearing, curled into a ball, alternately digging into the dirt and clutching her head, howling mindlessly, and asking 'how can you stand it?'

I can only assume that they defeated her by forcing her to read these books, as this was my exact response.

The Volturi guard arrives. Jane tortures the newborn for a bit; I begin to suspect that Jane's special powers involve the direct implanting of slashfiction into the brains of her victims.

Jane tries to torture Bella, but her awesome MarySueness renders her immune to the ghastliness that is Mpreg.

'Oh, you're still human.' 'The date is set.' Yes. The date for the release of the next book is set, isn't it? And the one after that....

Felix [another member of the guard] kills the newborn; we all wish we could die with her.

It's not over yet. Bella has to go back home now, and talk to Charlie. And wait to be able to see Jacob. Carlisle is tending to him. There's talk of re-breaking bones.

...and a strange discussion about why some talents work on Bella, while others don't. The excuse, apparently, is that the things that don't work on her are things that work inside the mind, instead of on the body. Except, it makes little sense, because Jane's ability is to cause pain.

Maybe it really does involve slashfic....

More words. The story they fed Charlie explaining Jacob's injuries involved a motorcycle accident. Charlie decides that Jacob might not be mature enough to be a valid choice for a relationship with his daughter, after all.

Bella goes to visit Jacob, and, after a bucket of emo, we have an official mention of the title of the book in the dialogue.

Yippie. A whole chapter of sobbing. Okay. Really more like half, and then a concession about the wedding and letting Alice plan it. Edward calls the whole thing off, and offers to turn her right then in what was probably a fit of reverse psychology to make Bella feel like it was all her idea to take time and move forward at his pace. Then, they're off to the next book, to tell Charlie about the impending nuptials.

But wait, there's an epilogue, from Jacob's point of view. Strangely, his PoV sounds an awful lot like Bella's PoV, but with fewer...well, okay, not really, but almost fewer modifiers.

He's gotten an invitation to the fourth book wedding. He decides to bail – he turns into a wolf, and runs for it, leaving the pack behind.

Kinda how I feel right now, honestly; especially since I know that the next book is three books in one. I think I'd very much like to explode right now. Or implode.

I think I'm just tired right now. I might not get the next one up by tomorrow; if I do, it'll probably just be the first of the three books that make up Breaking Dawn.

Maybe I'll even try a slightly different style.

The last one was like being dragged along a gravel road against your will; this time, it's a beach. With used needles and broken glass.

I wasn't running for my life; I was racing to save something infinitely more precious. My own life meant little to me today

….

So it didn't matter to me that we were surrounded by our extraordinarily dangerous enemies.
As the clock began to toll out the hour, vibrating under the soles of my sluggish feet, I knew
I was too late–and I was glad something bloodthirsty waited in the wings. For in failing at
this, I forfeited any desire to live.

– New Moon Prologue

Here we go again. Same overall style – desperate attempt at a hook in the prologue, hinting at the climax, and so on.

Bella's fretting about getting older; she doesn't want to get any older, because she doesn't want to be older than Edward. Shocking. Scandalous. We know she's fretting because, after the book starts out with a dream about her seeing herself in a mirror as looking like her grandma, next to a non-reflexion-having Edward, she spends pages and pages bitching about it. To everyone. No parties, no presents; just whining.

But, her dad gets her a [film using!] camera; her mom, a...scrapbook with metal clips for photos. And the Cullens are throwing her a party.

Their reason? They haven't had a reason to throw a birthday party since the 30s, when, I guess, they were celebrating Emmett's turning. You'd think, since they probably remember the day they were turned, they could continue to celebrate that if they really wanted to have a birthday party...but, no. Apparently not. And she can't get out of it [subjecting us to a drawn out series of Romeo and Juliet related excuses, which then plays out in a discussion about how Edward planned to kill himself if she'd died in the last book] because it'd make Alice sad.

I guess it's because they don't get a thrill out of buying things for each other, since they obviously have so much money. Because Alice can see the future. Sometimes. Unless someone changes their mind. But it works anyway, so they can predict the stock market, or something.

Not that it works to prevent what happens at the birthday party. I suppose Alice can't see accidents – as if she'd need to. Edward, who seems to think Bella can't stay alive on her own for sixty seconds at a stretch without someone to rescue her, didn't even see the obvious plot device coming.

There she is, getting presents – including an expensive new car stereo for her antique truck that one of them installed in under a minute so she couldn't refuse it [I'm sure there were no compatibility issues at all] – when she gets a paper cut unwrapping whatever Edward got her. Obviously. Who didn't see that coming? According to everything we've been told so far, this chick could inadvertently give herself a concussion with a barely filled water balloon, or a cube of Jello.

And, since her blood is, apparently, the vampire equivalent of the finest of liquors [or really good heroin, if such a thing exists], Jasper [another of the Cullens] attacks her. In his attempts to rescue her, Edward does even more damage, because this bitch can't fall without re-enacting that scene I mentioned from Fantastic 4.

Carlisle, apparently due to his age and years of being a doctor, was the only one able to stay around her, and patch her up...and I'm suddenly wondering how many times this guy's been through med school, since he was born in the 1600s....

But, hey, we're cleanin' and stitchin' wounds here. That's a great time for a little discussion about origins, and whether or not vampires have souls, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's wedge in a little bit about why Edward won't turn her like she wants. He loves her too much to...I don't know, damn her? Take away her soul? Something.
Whatever.

Naturally, Edward responds to the incident with the maturity one accumulates after being alive since 1918 [yes, he was a victim of H1N1] – with nearly a hundred years of pent up teen angst. He throws a little tantrum, gets bitchy, and gets all snippy at her when she finally wants to open the rest of her presents [two tickets to Florida to see her mother, and a CD of Edward playing the piano – I'm sure it was all stuff he wrote, naturally, since he's so amazingly perfect, gifted, talented and wonderful!] after she gets home.

He's moved on to distant sulkiness by the next day, naturally, and refuses to spend the night with her. Apparently, he's continued the tradition of sneaking into her house at night – except, now, instead of her not knowing it, he spends the night in bed with her, sneaking out before her dad wakes up.

There's more crap about the camera that uses this strange 'film' stuff, and getting double prints so she can send some off to her mother, and starting her little scrapbook, which mostly just seems to exist to set things up, and kill time until Edward gets out of 'sulk' mode.

...and into avoidance. He's leaving. The entire family's leaving, but, mostly, he's leaving. Because Bella's not good for him. So, he's going to leave, and it'll be as if he's never existed. The only thing he's going to leave her with is a demand that she not do anything reckless or stupid.

She instantly gets lost in the woods.

Unfortunately, one of the people from the reservation finds her. Yet another great chance to kill her off and end the damned series missed....

If anyone needs a moment to cry about that, go ahead. I'll be here when you get back. I also recommend getting yourself a case or two of something very strong to drink, or raiding a pharmacy for the good painkillers. We're going to be here a while; you'll need it.

Bring me some while you're at it.

Bella discovers that, when Edward said 'it'll be like I never existed', he meant it – he'd taken the pictures she had of him, and the CD [and hid them under her floorboards, but she doesn't know that]. She slips into a deep depression; fortunately, the author seems to slip into the same depression, and just writes out the names of a few consecutive months instead of dragging her readers through the disgusting, sad mire [Meyer, hah!] of darkness and gothy woe.

Unfortunately, we do have to suffer through her slow crawl back from gothdom, in which she makes plans with Everyone's Favourite Stereotypical Highschool Bitch to see some zombie movie in another town, and finds herself in the same area where Edward rescued her from some random men in the previous book.

...and discovers that she's either hallucinating, or that Edward's got a very faulty system that allows him to wiretap her brain, and talk directly to her when she's about to do something stupid. I still have no idea which – either option seems equally likely.

So, she decides to be reckless, and break promises. Pathetic teenage rebellion, yay! And what's more reckless than hanging out with boys on the reservation [La Push, since I never bothered to name it before], and getting one of them to help her fix up some old motorcycles she just happened to find sitting down by the curb to be picked up with the trash.

Meet Jacob, the boy from the reservation from the first book. The one who told her the stories about the vampires [and the wolf men; guess I forgot to mention that], and warned her at the prom. He's also the son of the guy who sold her dad the old truck that's now hers – and now no longer has a shiny new radio, because she ripped it out after Edward left. He builds cars, and happens to be just ever so tall [6'5”, which he apparently announces with 'self-satisfaction']. Like certain other boys on the reservation, who may or may not be members of a cult.

Bella starts spending a lot of time with Jacob, fixing up the bikes behind her dad's back [he hates motorcycles]. Her dad never finds out, because Jacob's dad can't get to the garage, where they've oh-so-cleverly hidden them. See, he's in a wheelchair; I suppose that's important somehow.

...where was I before the phone rang?

Irrelevant details. Right. She starts hanging out with Jacob, hoping to be reckless so she can hear Edward's voice in her head, and accidentally enjoying herself. And surprising a bunch of people at school by talking to them, after what must've been many blissful months of silence....

One of the girls at her table talks about a stomach flu, and a huge, unlikely bear. Two things which, unfortunately, become important to the story almost immediately. But not before Jacob gets the bikes working, and takes her out to try and teach she-who-trips-over-raindrops-and-autodefenestrates how to operate the desperate act of rebellion.

On the way to their clandestine training location, she witnesses The La Push Gang – the great, horrible cult that all the overly-tall boys on the reservation are joining out of nowhere – taking part in some recreational mid-January cliff diving.

Naturally, this gives Bella a lovely backup plan [okay, that's not really how it goes, but it sounds better if I write it this way]. If learning how to ride a motorcycle doesn't trigger the voice in her head, maybe cliff diving will. Because, really, who wouldn't want the voice of the creepy stalker bastard butting into your thoughts every time you did something you were told not to do after said creepy stalker bailed on you and left an overwrought metaphorical hole in your stupid, stupid chest?

The motorcycle thing works, though. Once she finally gets it going, the voice distracts her so much that she, predictably, wrecks. The bike lands on top of her and drags her for a short distance, and we all feel her pain, and wish that we could've been dragged such a short distance.

No, we're not so lucky. We've still got miles to go. Breaking Down Dawn is actually three books in one!

After a few more accidents, Jacob suggests that they try to keep Bella out of the hospital for a little while. This, obviously, is a great time to try to find the clearing from the first book. The one where the sparkling happened.

I think it's time to subject you to another quote:

I was like a lost moon–my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation–that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

New Moon, Chapter 9: Third Wheel

It seems to fit nicely with what happens next. Bella goes to see another movie with what was supposed to be a group of people, but ended up just being her, Jacob, and the ever-helpful, fawning Mike [someone else I only just bothered naming for you].

Based on the descriptions, the movie they went to see is the Twilightverse equivalent of a badly written Kill Bill knockoff, except...moreso. Because everything about this sucks. And Mike gets sick. Hey, look! All that talk about the stomach flu earlier was almost like foreshadowing!

How clever.

While Mike's off re-greeting last month's school lunch, Jacob assumes the role of Mr. States The Obvious In A Vague, Roundabout Way, informing Bella that he's going to be very persistent about sticking around and trying to get her to like him the way he likes her. More than friends, and all that. But, hey, here's Mike again. Mike, meet Mr. Empty Popcorn Bucket, your newest, bestest friend. Please don't vomit all over the back seat of the incredibly awesome VW Rabbit I restored all by myself, because that would be tragic and sad.

Yeah. Really. Also, Bella notices that Jacob is overly warm. “I'm fine. Oh, by the way, you can totally count on me. I won't let you down.”

Here's a treat! Several more pages about the stomach flu! Thank god. Y'know what? I've got a theory about this thing – it's not actually a pathogen, but a sort of meta-reaction of the unspeakable suck.

Surprise. Jacob lets her down. Even worse: he's joined that awful cult!

She goes off to find that clearing alone. Not that she manages to remain alone – one of the other vampires from the first book shows up. A 'coven' member of the now dead 'tracker' [James].

Time for more head voices! Because Laurent's been eating people, even though he went off to hang out with the other 'vegetarian' group. Yes. Really. 'Vegetarian'. Because they eat wildlife instead of people. And Laurent's hunting.

But, first, he has to Bond Villain for a bit, telling Bella all about how Victoria [the third member of that group from the first book] is all vengeful and looking to kill her. Because James is dead, and she's decided on a 'mate for a mate' mode of payback.

Another chance to end the series missed. Because the giant fucking wolves show up, revealing the source of the giant bear rumours. Neither the vampire nor the stupidly overgrown wolves kill her.

More crying; more angst; Jacob isn't talking to her now. She goes to confront him, but he can't tell her anything except that it's not what she thinks. Sam, the 'cult' leader, really isn't that bad. Or to blame. Because it's all the fault of the Cullens.

They break up, but not really, because there wasn't anything there. Bella tries to stop it by promising that she'll try to make there be something there. But, no.

Until Jacob shows up outside her bedroom window that night. And by 'outside her window', I mean 'at the top of a tree that's bent under his weight and is scraping the side of the house'. But, hey, vampires and giant wolves, right? How could things get any sillier?

He's sorry. Oh so sorry. He still can't tell her anything, but he can drop lots and lots of hints so she can find her way to figuring it out for herself.

Yeah. She remembers the stories he told her about his ancestors, who were supposedly wolves who turned into men, who made treaties with the 'cold ones'.

We have werewolves. Except...not really. These can change at will. Or when they get really emotionally unstable. Oh, and there've been all sorts of deaths out in the woods, so Bella's dad and a bunch of other people are off to hunt the wolves.

Bella rushes off to La Push to have a little talk with Jacob – to ask him if he's tried not being a werewolf, and, by the way, why are you eating people? Jacob wants to know why she hates werewolves.

The voice in Bella's head pops in to give her some helpful information about keeping Jacob calm, making me suspect it really is long-distance brain-tapping.

Bella's sorry; Jacob's sorry. Also, they killed that vampire. And the disappearing people are Victoria's fault – but, hey, the wolves are keeping an eye on Charlie [Bella's dad], so it'll be okay.

More fun, random facts get thrown our way. The wolves are telepathic. They can hear everything that's in the other wolves' heads. Also, if the pack leader gives an order [like, say, “Don't tell others about us.”] it's impossible to go against that order.

Dropping hints is okay, I guess. And being seen by random people.

Jacob calls a meeting. Somehow. I suppose they were all in wolf form at the time, and the pack leader was willing to respond to a meeting summons from a lesser member. Bella goes with him, which starts a fight. She's a 'leech lover', after all, and one of the pack members doesn't like that Jacob protects her, or even talks to her.

Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.

--New Moon Chapter 14: Family.

Yes!

...wait, no. He didn't really explode, after all. He just turned into a wolf.

Dark silver fur blew out from the boy, coalescing into a shape more than five-times his size–a
massive, crouched shape, ready to spring.

….

With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too. He burst out of his skin–shreds of
black and white cloth blasted up into the air. It happened so quickly that if I'd blinked, I'd
have missed the entire transformation. One second it was Jacob diving into the air, and then
it was the gigantic, russet brown wolf–so enormous that I couldn't make sense of its mass
somehow fitting inside Jacob–charging the crouched silver beast.

--New Moon Chapter 14: Family

Yeah. You're not the only one having an issue with this impossibility.

I'm not sure if this was written to test the limits of the reader's credulity, or to illustrate the point that werewolves are more dangerous to have as boyfriends than your average unstable alcoholic. Or a vampire.

Apparently, it's the latter, because, during some good natured betting [hey, it's a reservation] on who will come out injured, and whether Bella will vomit [she seems to do that a lot in this book; I'm seeing a very unpleasant trend], the 'werewolves are unsafe to be around' statement is trotted out, along with 'hey, when we get you back to our pack leader's house, don't stare at his girlfriend, because he totally messed her up one day. But it's okay; he promises he'll never do it again, and they're totally in love with each other.'

What does this story need now? A group of oversized teen boys sitting around a table, discussing things. Because they exist to kill vampires, and Victoria is after Bella.

One of them is pleased, because they now have bait.

You can stop rejoicing; Jacob objects to this idea. It's decided that Bella should spend all her free time in La Push, so she's safe, giving us lots of time for random discussions about even more unlikely aspects of werewolf physiology.

For example: werewolves 'run hotter' than normal humans. 108 to 109. And they never, ever get cold. Not even when standing in shorts in a blizzard.

Now, I know it's completely inappropriate of me to rely on anecdata, but, at this point, I actually had to rewind and see if I'd heard that correctly, because it goes against everything I've ever experienced. Maybe I'm just neglecting to factor 'supernatural bullshit' into this, but...I kinda live with someone who is unpleasantly, almost intolerably warm. He's not anywhere near happy until the air around him is equal to or exceeding his internal temperature. In my experience, this fictional character, convenient walking heater or not, would be constantly shivering just to maintain some level of warmth.

Back to the story, because it's time to stop dragging this out, and get back to the crap that leads to the prologue! Cliff diving. Jacob promised to take her, but he's out going after Victoria with the pack. And Bella's bored, and wants to hear Edward's voice again. So, bring on the suicide attempt that will later be denied.

Jacob saves her from drowning. Insufferable bastard. That's, what, three missed opportunities now?

Alice, of course, saw it. Her deciding to jump, but not getting saved – because she can't see werewolves. The message gets passed on to Edward by Rosalie, because, apparently, her only real trait is bitch.

Can't say I blame her.

Another conveniently timed event: one of Charlie's friends on the reservation dies. Lucky, lucky bastard.

Not that any of this gets more than a mention in the book, because, after all, it's from Bella's point of view. All first person. Annoying. Instead, the slow, torturous drag across that beach I mentioned continues with a premise-stretching internal monologue about Romeo and Juliet, and what if there'd been more to Paris? What if he'd been Juliet's best friend? And what if Romeo had gone, and never come back?

Well, then, it'd be an entirely different pile of angsty teen crap foisted on disinterested highschool students. Or, since this is probably the point being oh-so-subtly hammered home with excessive force, it'd be New fucking Moon. Except without the Juliet ending up with Paris, and instead surviving and ending up with Romeo and living sappily ever after. And without the arguably superior writing ability of Shakespeare.

Jacob takes Bella home; Jacob is upset to find a vampire waiting for them, and to find that Bella is unafraid. There's a car out front, after all, and what other vampire drives a luxury car? It must be one of the Cullens.

It's Alice, who's very, very confused to find Bella alive. She also hasn't fed in a few days, but...four now? Racking them up, aren't we....

Bella and Alice sit down to discuss the story so far, managing to do it in fewer pages than I have. Terribly sorry about that; I'm awfully proud of myself for making it to [at this point] eleven pages. This is literally the longest non-school-related thing I've ever written.

Alice runs off to feed after informing Bella that she smells bad; the next morning, Bella, feigning sleep in the living room, overhears Alice talking to Charlie about those gloriously glossed-over goth times

Good things can't last, can they? Of course not. Charlie apparently ended her near-catatonic state by having her mom [Rene] come up to take her 'home' to Florida. Your average toddler-teen tantrum ensued.

More expositional chattery. Bella and Alice discuss what the Cullens are doing now, and talk about what new information Alice has managed to dig up about herself, since she had no memory of herself as a human. There was something about that in the previous book; James talking about how he'd been after her, but she'd been turned before he could get to her.

Jacob shows up to ask whether or not the rest of the Cullens plan to return. Bella wonders why she can't be friends with both werewolves and vampires at the same time.

While she's occupied with her threeway-slashfic-inspiring musings, the phone rings. Jacob answers, and informs the caller that 'He's at the funeral.'

Yeah. It was Edward calling. And now we have Bella, Jacob, and Alice, all in the same room. Still, nobody's going to die.

Alice calls home, discovers that Rosalie told Edward that Bella had killed herself [why, exactly, didn't Alice see Rosalie deciding to do that?] – so, now, Edward's heading off to Italy.

Where the Volturi – who apparently keep all the vampires in the world in line with a bunch of rules about not exposing the secret of their existence – live. To ask them to kill him, or to force them to kill him by making a scene, thereby exposing their secret, and...well, you get the picture.

Guess where we're going now! Yes, that's right. But it's a long trip, with lots of time to fill in the backstory on the Volturi.

We get to hear all about Aro, Caius, and Marcus, two unnamed females, and the guard. About how their love of power is probably what keeps them together, and about their special abilities. The guard, apparently, are selected for their special abilities, and it's a great honour to serve. Oh, and how Volterra is the safest city in the world when it comes to vampire attacks, because they've held it for three thousand years.

Then comes the decision: No, that'd be wasteful. Join us instead. Also, Edward's decision. He's going to walk out into the sun, and sparkle at people. At noon. In the main plaza. Under the clock tower. Yay. We've almost looped entirely back to the prologue!

Alice steals a bright yellow Porsche after they land. Because, when you're stealing fast cars, you obviously want to steal the one everyone's going to notice.

While they're zipping along at unrealistic speeds, they chat some more. This time, it's about the apparent irony of the date. There's some sort of celebration going on, because it's supposedly the day that St. Marcus [the same Marcus, yes] drove all the vampires out of the town.

This being a special day, it takes a while to get to the gates, and only tour buses are allowed into the town. Alice bribes the guard with [supposedly] a thick wad of $1000 bills and a story about a private tour. Because, you see, they're desperately, disgustingly wealthy.

Now, everything relies on Bella's ability to go three seconds without inadvertently nuking herself. And by 'nuking', I mean 'Oh dear, I seem to have fallen into the microwave while attempting to make popcorn; somehow, I also managed to set the timer and push start!'

Somehow, she makes it, throwing herself into Edward's arms at the very last possible second. Edward thinks he's been killed, and is now in hell.

Yes, Edward. We're all in hell. Thanks for noticing. We're in hell, because the book doesn't end here. We have to have another meeting. The Volturi want to speak with us.

There's a long, drawn out trip under the city to reach their location, where we get to hear all about how Aro can hear every thought your mind has ever had – but only with physical contact. Marcus has the ability to see relationships, whatever that means.

Then, of course, there's the fun game of 'does it work on Bella'. Because Edward can't read Bella's thoughts. Neither can Aro. And now there's musing as to whether or not Jane's ability works on her – whoever Jane is. A member of the guard, I guess. A member because she can cause intense pain with a look.

I don't consider that a very special talent. If someone wanted to cause intense pain in someone, you wouldn't really have to look at them – just make them read this shit.

See? I'm doing it right now, and you're not even reading the books.

Jane can't hurt her; we're all very sad.

They're allowed to leave, but only after showing Aro that Bella will be turned. Otherwise, they'd have to kill her for knowing their secrets – and the Cullens for allowing her to know.

They leave, but not before seeing a tour group being led up. For dinner. One stolen car later, and they're on a plane home, where the rest of the Cullens are waiting to have their weepy-without-tears reunion. Also, Rosalie wants to say she's sorry.

Now she's home. Charlie's mad – especially at Edward. He bans Edward from the house, but that doesn't stop him. We get a whole chapter of Bella and Edward talking about their love for each other, and how Edward was off distracting himself by being a very crappy tracker. He was in South America hunting for Victoria while Victoria was trying to get past the werewolves and into Forks.

They sneak out of Bella's house – because Bella wants to put her mortality to a vote – and, on the way, Bella has a very stupid epiphany. She was hearing Edward's voice because Edward loved her.

Everyone except Edward and Rosalie votes yes. Rosalie qualifies her vote by saying that she'd love to have Bella as a sister, but she wouldn't have chosen this life, and she wishes that someone had been there to vote no for her.

Bella wants to do it now. Edward wants to wait until Bella's graduated and moved out of Charlie's house.

Also, Bella wants Edward to turn her. It's time for a little game of 'Let's Make A Deal'. Edward wants five years; Bella refuses. Three years? No. Bella offers six months, then a year. Because nineteen is her limit. The time limit dickering isn't working, so Edward decides that his condition will be marriage.

They're back at Bella's house, and the argument over marriage wakes up Charlie. He threatens to send Bella to Florida; Bella presents a counter-offer of 'grounding and basically doing everything she's already been doing [laundry, cooking, cleaning]' or moving out.

Bella's grounded. Bella's fretting about Jacob. And Jacob's outing Bella to Charlie by dropping off Bella's motorcycle. Jacob wants Bella grounded, except Bella's already grounded.

The book ends with a trite line about Bella going inside to meet her fate, with her destiny at her side.

I'm sincerely dreading the next two. I [obviously] lost my focus toward the end of this one, and had to force out the last little bit. It really does only get worse from here.

I'm very sorry. Really, I am.

Okay, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm enjoying the thought of inflicting this on an unsuspecting public.

I also know what you're about to say. Let's see if I can cover all the outrage all quick-like....

You read that crap?

No. No I didn't. I tried. I couldn't. Three pages into Twilight, and I could feel my brain screaming and trying to squelch its way out of my skull through my ears like a desperate, enraged, hungry shoggoth trying to fit through the Eisenhower tunnel.

You had the same problem with Harry Potter and you ended up enjoying that when you read it. And you just said you didn't read it, so you can't know that it sucks.

Indeed, I am well and truly pwned. Except Harry Potter didn't suck nearly as much as these books. And I was able to read them after listening to the audiobooks [as read by Stephen Fry, who is undeniably awesome].

Hey, look at that word. Audiobooks. They're also kinda cool. 'Audiobooks' are how I'm able to say that I've never read these four ever-expanding yet nearly identical piles of florid crap.

Not even Stephen Fry's incredible awesomeness could've saved these audiobooks. I'd love to say that Kathy Bates could've done something for them, but that might be a lie. Also, I wouldn't want to taint the other good audiobook experiences I've had at her voice's expense.

The reader was an annoying, tween-voiced individual. Most of the time. When she didn't sound like she needed a lozenge. And when, in the last two books, there was a guy reading different parts.

...which kinda brings us to the contents of the books themselves.

All four start the same way, with a Preface that's supposed to be suspenseful and hinting at an ending event. Except it's more like a 'climax event', with a dénouement that forgets to stop happening, becoming mired in its own high fructose corn syrupy excrement.

Between that attempted climactic tease and the actual climax are way, way too many pages of whatever crap that book happens to be about. I'll probably have to go into each one individually. Then, maybe I'll try to wipe this crap from my mind. I believe it's a classic internet tactic to talk about drinking at this point....

Twilight

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had
reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not
have imagined it like this.

– Twilight Prologue

We're all praying for death now. Some of us may even be a little more proactive about it, looking for sharp objects like spoons to shove into our eyesockets instead of leaving it up to the cruel, capricious deity that allowed for not just the publishing, but the underwhelming popularity of this first installment in this repulsive, bloating cashcorpse of a series.

If you kept reading beyond that point, you're far tougher than I am; I didn't make it past the first couple of pages of the first chapter. What could I do? Give up? The hell you say. I didn't give up on Celebrian [don't ever click on that link]! The solution, obviously, is to obtain the audiobooks, and subject myself to these stories that way.

Ilyana Kadushin was kind enough to drag me through this story [and the other three, except for the parts read by some guy]. I can't place all the blame on her, though – Stephenie Meyer's the one that wrote the words that kept hauling me back from my blissfully near-comatose state that first night.

I'm not kidding. I kept trying to go to sleep while listening to it, and I kept twitching awake.

The first book is a lot like the movie, except, instead of having to sit there and watch poor Cedric Diggory look [and sound] like he's suffering as much as you are, you have nobody. Nobody appears to be suffering with you.

Unless you're taking turns reading the book out loud with a group of friends. In that case, you're either a member of a very obnoxious demographic that inexplicably needs to change its collective panties every three pages, or you're stationed at Gitmo, and various groups would like to have a chat with you about human rights and torture.

Yes. I really am going on like this so I don't have to remember it. Me. The girl who reads bad fanfiction, begs others for bad fanfiction, and giggles with schoolgirlish delight at the cries of horror when I subject others to bad fanfiction. I don't want to think about this shit.

Because that's all this is. Fanfiction. Really bad, mixed up, alternate universe Mary Sue having fanfiction.

I'm sure most of us know the plot of this one, because, at some point, most of us have tried to get through the terrible movie they made out of this abominable collection of words.

Our dear Mary Sue, or 'Bella', as she prefers to be called, is portrayed as your average world-weary teen who can't possibly fit in because, oh dear, she's so pale, so quirky, and likes to read the classics. She's leaving her mom to move in with her dad, possibly because she's sick of raising an adult toddler, and would prefer to play parent to an indifferent adult teenager for a while.

Bella's parents, it seems, aren't just characters nearly as...tertiary as the 'other kids in her new school' – they're exactly half of a whole person. Mom is a flighty, indecisive, irresponsible hummingbird who, apparently, would die from a half-baked skydiving attempt if Bella weren't there to stop her. Dad is mostly absent. He works a lot, can't cook [of course], and has a strange, erratic temper.

Okay, maybe dad's less than half of a whole character. But I still think that, if you were to combine the mother and the father, you'd get a far more believable young adult than Bella.

Bella angsts herself to sleep before her first day of school, where we find out how desperately well-read she is [but she'll do the reading anyway, because she loves the assigned reading! Gasp!]...and how inexplicably attractive she is as the new girl. Because all sorts of less-than-memorable boys keep trying to help her.

Lunchtime, then. And we descend fully into hell, where we're never more than a few paragraphs away from being adverbed to death. Because, from here on out, it's all about the perfect, statue of a greek god-like, 'devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful' vampires.

Okay. There are adjectives, too. And it's mostly about Edward. But, still, there's a lot of repetitive describing.

Also: creepiness. Because, while Bella is becoming more and more obsessed with Edward, Edward is being your basic offputting, stalkery, potentially abusive jerkwad. His behaviour seems calculated to get Bella obsessed with him. He demands to be switched out of the class he shares with her, disappears for a few days, avoids her, and then, for no good reason, saves her awkward, useless, whiny life.

“We shouldn't be friends.”

“But you saved my life, and I'm obsessed with you!”

“By the way, I sneak into your room every night and watch you sleep.”

...wait, what?

Bella spends about three thousand chapters putting two and two together to get vampire, after 'flirting' the story out of one of the reservation boys. Edward saves Bella from some bad people in an alley [I'm not stalking you; I'm following you because you can't keep yourself alive!]

Oh, and I forgot to mention, Bella faints at the sight of blood. I'm not sure what that's supposed to be, but it keeps coming up.

Then, they were together. Because Bella figured it out, and, I guess, the 'get away from me' game had to evolve into the 'now that you're suitably obsessed, I'll spend time with you' game.

More adjectives. More adverbs. More words. And sparkling.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

--Twilight, Chapter 13 [Confessions]

Yes. Sparkling.

After another round of 'scare the obsessed girl', possibly to reinforce the 'want what I can't have' obsession, I guess they're officially together. Time to meet the parents! And hear stories about the 'father' of the family, and Edward's creation.

...and find out that they wait for thunderstorms to play baseball. Because nobody's ever firing weapons in the heavily wooded regions of Washington. No. They need the cover of the storm for a game of supernatural baseball.

Finally, there's some badguys. A vampire they refer to as a 'tracker', who fixates on Bella. She's forced to break up with her father [yes, I meant to say that], and run back to Arizona with Alice and Jasper, while everyone else runs around trying to throw the tracker off her trail. Except for Rosalie, who I assume is just off throwing a prettygirl tantrum somewhere.

The tracker lures her using a recording of her mother's voice from an old home movie. And she dies.

...or, well, she should've died. It would've been a much better book if she had. But, no, the Cullens swoop in to save the day at the last minute. Except she's been bitten, which means she's been exposed to the vampire's venom.

Because, you see, that's how vampirism spreads. Through venom. They bite you; you become a vampire. But, no! We must save her! Treat it like a snakebite; suck the venom out.

Seriously.

She's left with a cold, glittery scar. Also, a cast on her leg, and a story about how she ever-so-clumsily fell down some stairs. And possibly out a window. Then in through another window, through the bottom of an indoor pool, out another window, and into a...wait, no, that was Fantastic 4....

And a date to the prom, which she pitches a fit over. The book ends with a warning from reservation boy about how someone will be watching her, and her wanting to become a vampire.

I'm going to end this here, because this is getting out of hand. I'll have the other three...whatever these are [they're more like mocking book reports than reviews] up eventually.

The article is here.

See that image over there? It's a Ralph Lauren ad -- obviously. One that...kinda got a bit of attention, because...well, look at it. It's 'shopped.

People noticed. And posted about it.

How did the company respond? By sending out DMCA takedown notices, because fair use doesn't exist.

It's going to work about as well as it worked for Scientology.

Now, I know I'm just an insignificant blogger tucked away in an unnoticed corner of the internet, but, if their legal types happen to find this place, I hope they pause to read this before firing off another pointless takedown notice. I've got a good idea that could save them a lot of humiliation.

The next time something like this happens -- and it's probably going to -- instead of throwing a litigious tantrum, fire the photoshopper responsible. Your company will look much better if you say, "Oops. Yeah, that's our bad. We fired the guy. And, while we're not willing to stop enhancing our models through computer manipulation, we are going to make sure that our artists have a basic grasp of human anatomy."

Yes. That's how you should respond. Not with takedown notices over fair use. Fix the problem. Attempting to cover it up with legal threats only gets people to notice, and repost.

Source. I'd post the original source, but Photoshop Disaster's ISP caved.

I answered all the questions correctly, and it's so easy that I don't understand why anyone else could possibly get anything wrong. Yet, Females, on average, answered fewer questions correctly than males, and people of my age group didn't do quite as well as the next age group up.

These are all basic, obvious questions. Hell, most of them, you can get the answer just by having watched a lot of crappy TV -- and I'm not even talking about the Science Channel. What the hell is the problem here?

Then again, it could've been worse. The numbers could've been lower. And I think they probably would be if it weren't for the fact that some people were probably driven away by the word 'science'....

Nevermind. That doesn't make things better.