You there. Don't move. I mean it. You will suffer through this one, too. And the one after this.

Why? Because I'm a bitch, and I want you to suffer.

ALL OUR ATTEMPTS AT SUBTERFUGE HAD BEEN IN VAIN.

With ice in my heart, I watched him prepare to defend me. His intense concentration betrayed no hint of doubt, though he was outnumbered. I knew that we could expect no help - at this moment, his family was fighting for their lives just as surely as he was for ours.

Would I ever learn the outcome of that other fight? Find out who the winners and the losers
were? Would I live long enough for that?

The odds of that didn't look so great.

Black eyes, wild with their fierce craving for my death, watched for the moment when my protector's attention would be diverted. The moment when I would surely die.

Somewhere, far, far away in the cold forest, a wolf howled.

You know the drill. Now, hang on tight. This time, there is no beach; just glass, medical waste, sharps, and those little curly bits of metal that you get when you use a drill press on metal.

In case you deliberately forgot: Bella's grounded, because she disappeared for three days, dove off a cliff and almost died, and was learning how to ride a motorcycle. The Cullens have returned to Forks. Jacob won't talk to Bella because, I don't know, Bella wants have her Gay Best Friend and her Member of the Phelps Family Best Friend at the same time?

Edward refuses to turn Bella unless she agrees to marry him; Bella's afraid of marriage because of her parents' marriage. And Victoria's not dead, which means that this book might have something besides teen angst as its antagonist....

Already, there are hints. Lots of random, unsolvable murders in Seattle.

I almost forgot – the 'book we're forced to accept references to' theme reappears; this time, it's Wuthering Heights.

Ih. I can't believe I'm still doing this.

Charlie offers to parole Bella, or give her probationary freedom, or something, with one condition: that she start spending time with other friends. Like, say, Jacob. Also, there's a college acceptance letter from Alaska.

Oh, hell. Edward's here. Time for paragraphs of overwrought bullshit about how desperately, inhumanly amazing he is. Some fan somewhere has probably compiled a list of all the words used to describe Edward. Possibly a numbered, sorted list, according to how many times each word was used.

I'm not sure if I want to see that list.

Somewhere in that truckload of descriptors, Edward's stashed some stamps. And some more college applications. Because he wants Bella to go to college; his family is willing to buy her way in with large donations. And pay her tuition. And Edward's willing to forge her applications.

Edward wants to to experience college as a human. Not that it matters; she won't remember much of her human life after she's turned, according to everything the various vampires in the story have ever said.

If only we were so lucky. No, we have to sit here with very clear memories of their forced critique of Wuthering Heights. Edward hoping that Bella would never fall in love with someone so malignant.

Yeah. Thanks for that, Mary Sue. We know you see nothing wrong with your perfectly perfect fantasy romance. Honestly, though? It feels as if you've taken the first couple of seasons of Buffy and stripped her relationship with Angel of all its redeeming qualities.

Back to the perfect, controlling male model and his 'why would you ever want me, I'm nothing' victim, though. Bella wants to spend time with Jacob on the reservation; Edward says it isn't safe; I start abusing semicolons.

In case you didn't catch it the first time around, Bella's now in her senior year. Because she's so amazingly brilliant, and able to keep up on schoolwork, even through the deepest, gothiest depression, and the ten thousand crippling injuries she gets every day just brushing her goddamn teeth.

Bella makes plans with one of the normal kids at school. Said normal kid is apparently related to the entire population of...some reasonably populated area between the body counts of China and Svalbard. Alice wants to make plans, too. Alice wants to go shopping. Alice apparently...unlives? ..for shopping. And possibly dressing up Bella as if she were her very own walking, talking doll.

Alice is disappointed to find out that she can't take Bella shopping in a different country.

School ends. More mundane, day-to-day bullshit. Edward finds the car stereo, and asks why Bella felt the need to torture it before killing it, and says he'll have to replace it.

Vampires are more emotionally fragile than your average parrot.

Speaking of fragile, Esme [the 'mother' in the vampire family] and Carlisle are about to get their feelings hurt, too. The tickets – or, actually, a voucher for tickets [oops] – will expire soon. Edward wants to go the weekend of the prom; he brings it up to Charlie.

Charlie, prone to bouts of random, violent anger as he is, responds by shouting and turning purple. Bella isn't going anywhere with Edward.

Bella threatens to move out, and asks if he'd be mad if she went to visit her mother with Jacob. Charlie says 'yes', meaning 'no.'

After Edward 'leaves' for the night, we get to experience that awesome, awkward rite of parental passage: the talk. Bella and Charlie argue over who's more embarrassed about this, and the reader loses out when we find out how old fashioned Edward is, and that Bella doesn't plan on losing her virginity any time soon.

Who would want to go to bed after that little chat? We certainly don't get to. Bella decides that she wants to get the hell out of there, and talk to Jacob. Her dad approves.

But her truck won't start. Surprise. Edward was waiting for her, and had taken out some unnamed piece of her truck's engine

Does this sound healthy to you? No? Good.

He explains that her future had disappeared [according to Alice, who's been keeping an eye on her that way], and that, if she doesn't want him to visit tonight, she should shut her window.

She lets him in anyway.

The trip to Florida gets almost entirely skipped in the book, and mostly just referred to through jokes about how Bella would rather drink water than breathe it. Forks is so dry, y'know, and she's glad to come home, where she finds out that Jacob's been calling incessantly, and really wants to talk to her.

It takes Bella several pages to figure out why Jacob needed to hear her voice and find out if she was attending school the next day: he'd been assuming that her little three day vacation was her official turning.

The next morning, Jacob shows up at the school. Because, apparently, Bella was wrong about why he called. Jacob just wanted a safe place – with witnesses – to talk to Edward. About some event that happened over the weekend involving Emmett and one of the other werewolves. Bella figures out that the whole Florida trip was all because Edward wanted her out of the area, because Alice saw that Victoria would be in the area.

Meanwhile, Jacob's tormenting Edward with memories of Bella.

The principal arrives, cutting off an annoying conversation about whether or not Bella wants to visit Jacob on the reservation.

In class, Bella and Edward have a very strange note-passing fit that involves erasing everything previously written, and Edward's perfect personal calligraphy. He explains the situation, and then goes on to explain how he'd have saved her life if something had happened on the plane. Pilots passed out, drunk? He'll fly it, of course. Engines gone? He'd grab her, kick out the side of the plane, and jump as soon as the ground was close enough.

That shit's almost as tiresome as the betting Bella overhears over who would win in a fight: Jacob or Edward?

It's time for another 'hammered in your face' metaphor! Bella's got a job at one of the stores in town, and doesn't want to be early, so she plays with some fridge magnets. The last two magnets wouldn't cooperate with her 'lining them up' plan – magnets, they're so fickle – and she eventually stands there trying to force them to stick together off the fridge.

Sorta like how she can't force her two best friends together, see? Isn't that oh so clever.

Work is slow, so she's told to leave. After seeing a conveniently placed 'Save the Olympic Wolf' flyer, she decides to race off to La Push before anyone sees her deciding to do it.

The story about the 'boundary crossing incident' – there's this treaty between the vampires and the wolves, if I haven't mentioned that before – gets told again, probably so that we get to hear all about how Jasper's 'abilities' work on the wolves [Jasper can control people's emotions, but not in any interesting way; he doesn't, for example, make it rain kittens].

Jacob tries to get metaphorical after an eagle catches a fish, calling it the natural order, and talking about how you never see fish trying to kiss eagles. Then, it's backstory time again.

We get to hear all about the pack. How Sam, the alpha, was the first to change, and had no idea what was going on because his father and grandfather were both gone. How he disappeared for two weeks. And about his highschool sweetheart, Leah, who got dumped when Sam imprinted on her cousin, Emily.

Because, you see, werewolves have soul mates, and they imprint the instant they see them. A bond that lasts, even if one of them loses control and mauls the other.

Not that the female 'mates' are wolves. At this point in the story, it seems that only males can become wolves. They're allowed to know everything, though.

Imprinting is supposed to be rare, and an exception. Unlikely to happen.

Speaking of unlikely: the wolf-boys are no longer getting any older. They can age, if they stop shifting into wolf form for a long time. Hearing this, Bella pitches a fit, complete with foot stomping and petulant squealing about how she's the only one who has to get older.

Yeah. I know. We feel it to. We're all getting a hell of a lot older, and we're never, ever going to get this time back.

You guys should feel glad. Sure, I'm just about to hit my 18th page here, but I've saved you all a hell of a lot of time. Where do I go to get compensated for this, exactly?

Jacob and Bella argue about Jacob's inability to refer to the Cullens as anything beyond their version of 'nigger' [leech, blood sucker, whatever]. 'I'm a werewolf! And he's a vampire!' The brilliant retort? 'And I'm a Virgo!'

I agree. Vampires and werewolves are equally as silly as astrology.

Bella has to run off to Angela's house now – that friend from school with more relatives than there are envelopes in the entire state of Washington. The shiny silver Volvo is waiting for her at the border; it follows her there.

Since I've never mentioned that before, the Volvo is one of the Cullen's cars.

She gets to Angela's; Angela's boyfriend leaves. Angela thanks Bella for saving her from a plotless film. There must be a word for this....

Nevermind. We're late for a trip into girlychat hell. Angela explains to dense little Bella that Jacob is in love with her, and Edward's probably jealous.

Bella fails to accidentally cut her head off with an envelope, or jam a pen into her brain. She arrives home safely, and finds Edward waiting for her in her room.

They fight. Bella refers to herself as Switzerland, refusing to get involved in territorial disputes between mythical creatures [and ruining the term for me; I'm not sure I'll ever be able to call myself 'chat Switzerland' ever again]. Edward tells her she smells like a dog, and the argument is over.

Except, the next day, Alice informs Bella that she's kidnapping her and holding her hostage at the house. Edward's paid her off with a shiny new yellow Porsche. Exactly like the one she stole in the last book. All Alice has to do is keep Bella away from the werewolves while Edward's hunting for the weekend.

Or, rather, for every time he's gone hunting. Because this is such a healthy relationship.

Bella finally starts to notice that it's a bit controlling and psychotic. Except...it doesn't take. Obviously.

She calls Jacob to cancel her plans to see him over the weekend, informing him that she's being held prisoner and tortured – Alice painted her toenails.

There's nobody around to rescue us, though.

Alice introduces Bella to the new bed Edward bought for her. Black, wrought iron, sculpted metal roses. And, I don't know what this says about me, but I suddenly realised that I might object less to this entire series if the pathetic wordsex relationship was happening between Alice and Bella....

But, no. That would be gay, and therefore wrong in a world where old-fashioned vegetarian vampires refuse to sleep with or turn girls before they've been married....

Rosalie drops by for a chat after Bella goes to bed...on the sofa that's also in the room. She wants to explain even more about why she voted 'no' in the last book. We get to hear all about how she was turned.

Eighteen. Daughter of rich parents in the Great Depression. Beautiful, and pleased with the attention she got. And probably being used by her parents to gain higher social status. They set her up with the son of the owner of pretty much everything in town. She'd envied a friend who married at seventeen and had a kid, then began to pity her because her 'whirlwind courtship' would soon turn into a family of her own.

She'd been visiting that same friend, and was walking home, when she ran into her future husband and his friends. Apparently, they raped her and left her to die in the street. Carlisle found her – she knew him at the time, and didn't like him much because his family was more beautiful than she was. He turned her.

She tells Bella about the painful process, and about the conversations she overheard during it. And about how she felt so much better when she saw her reflexion, and realised she was more beautiful than ever. And then how she began to understand that her beauty was to blame for her death. If she'd been ugly, like her friend, she'd have been allowed to marry someone she loved. And have babies. Because all she ever wanted was babies.

Then, she brags about her record: she's only ever murdered five people. Never tasted human blood, though. She just wanted revenge.

A little more forced character development. Rosalie was always so annoyed with Bella because Edward wanted Bella. Not that Rosalie wanted Edward. She's just vain, you see, and it bothered her that Edward thought Bella was more attractive. And she's just so upset that Bella would throw away her chance at life and babies. Because, babies!

Oh, and the reason she has Emmett? A bear was mauling him, and he reminded her of her friend's little baby.

That's...just icky.

The next day, Jacob shows up at school to counter-abduct Bella. They hang out, and discuss the latest news about the pack. Another member has imprinted...on a two year old.

Jacob doesn't think he'll ever imprint. Or, possibly, he thinks he has, but it doesn't matter, because his already belongs to someone else.

They discuss happier times, and less than happy times. They discuss the treaty, and how it'll be violated if any of the Cullens bite her, or if, say, one of the tribe tells about what they are; something Jacob did back in the first book.

Bella asks if Jacob will ever forgive her for being turned; Jacob complains that his friend will be gone. Then, he finds out that the time frame isn't 'years', but 'weeks'.

Jacob says he'd prefer it if Bella were dead. Bella runs off – or, rather, rides off on her motorcycle, back to the Cullen house.

Somehow, she manages to avoid death, even though it's raining, and she has no protective gear.

Alice is sad, of course. She thinks Edward will take her shiny new car back because she failed. Bella takes a shower and go to bed. Or sofa. Or something.

She wakes up to Edward in bed with her, and we're subjected to a tame make-out session. They talk; Edward informs her that he's going to trust her judgement regarding La Push and Jacob. Isn't that lovely? Just in time, too, because Bella doesn't think she'll be going back.

She returns home the next day to find that Jacob's called, and that things are missing from her room. Did her dad do the laundry? No, of course not. Perhaps it was Alice, tidying up when she was there getting things for the hostage party? No.

Edward arrives, and smells something off. Not werewolves, though. A strange vampire.

Edward calls to have Jasper and Emmett guard the house – fun fact: vampires can talk so quickly that humans can't hear/understand them. And it works over phones.

They run off to chat with Alice, who didn't see anything. Nobody knows what's going on. Bella demands to be turned right then.

No. Of course they can't. It'd hurt Charlie. They'll just need to be more careful. Set guards.

Charlie, at this point, is thrilled at the tension he's seeing between Edward and Bella. And Bella's unthrilled that Jacob's calling again. She thinks she's going to die soon, and really doesn't want to leave things with Jacob as they are.

She calls Jacob. She's sorry; Jacob's sorry; Edward wants to talk to Jacob.

He explains that someone was in Bella's room, and asks if the pack has come across any strange scents. They discuss a renegotiation of the treaty, and Edward leaves so Jacob can come over and have a sniff.

Now for an exciting scene of Bella and Jacob washing dishes! And Jacob cutting himself accidentally so we can have yet another demonstration of how quickly werewolves heal. I suppose that goes nicely with the explanation of why he's constantly running around barefoot, in...possibly ratty sweatpants. I honestly don't know. Because, in a fit of realism, the author decided that their clothes don't poof in and out of existence, making for entertainingly bad CG wolves whose pants explode off of them in the previews for the movies.

Yay.

Jacob leaves; Edward returns with the mail. Dartmouth accepted her based on the application Edward forged for Bella.

The washing machine conveniently makes some noise, distracting them from the argument over Bella postponing her turning, and reminding Bella to ask about finding out from Alice where her things were. Apparently, this never got brought up before – things with her scent on them were missing.

Seattle comes up again – someone [some vampire] up there might just be creating an army of brand new baby vampires. Which might bring the Volturi down on the entire area.

Then, they talk about whether or not Bella wants to go to some gathering on the reservation. And whether or not Bella would agree to to let Edward take her to the boundary line, and give her a cellphone so he could pick her up. She agrees, and decides that now would be a good time to take the motorcycle back to Jacob.

Edward, apparently, went shopping. He bought some shiny, fast superbike. And a helmet and jacket for Bella.

They decide not to take the bikes after all, and head to the hand off point. Because, as it says in the book, it's just like two parents who don't get along, handing off their child for visitation.

Also, I suppose we're meant to believe that he fit the motorcycle in the trunk of the Volvo.

It's story time again. The pack and the elders, and possibly some other members of their family, are having a little...legend-telling thing. Any excuse to fill a few pages, I guess.

It starts with spirit warriors: people who would leave their bodies, go into the 'spirit realm', and control the wind and various animals to help them win battles against enemies who decided the lands were cursed [which, naturally, prevents others from attempting much of anything].

One of the spirit warriors decides to steal the tribal chief's body, take charge, and pass all sorts of strange rules. Like: no more spirit realm. He also took two other wives.

The chief, trapped and angry, calls on a large wolf to kill his own body. The wolf kills one of the people protecting the imposter; the chief calls off the attack and orders the wolf away.

It didn't leave, though. After a while, the chief envied the wolf its body, and asked it to make room for him, and share. As the wolf, he returned to his tribe, and tried to communicate with them by yelping the songs of the tribe.

Yes. Seriously. Ever played Twilight Princess? The special grass that lets you call the flying thing as a wolf, and all that? Please, share in my annoyance....

The older spirit warriors knew that the wolf was under the control of the spirit. The false chief was hiding, so one of them decided to break the rules and enter the spirit realm.

The false chief, coming out to see if the wolf has been 'defeated' yet, sees this, and tries to kill the now empty body of the person breaking his rule. The guy jumps back into his body, but is killed before he can say anything.

The actual chief is pissed. Bullshit explanation alert: his anger was human, and the wolf couldn't handle it; the wolf turned into the 'flesh interpretation of the chief's spirit.

Of course, he went on to father many sons, all of whom could change into wolves. And all the wolves were different, reflecting the spirit of the man. He lived a very long time, and eventually found 'his true spirit wife', gave up the wolf gig, and planned to die with her.

Then there's another story, about the first time the pack met vampires. They killed one, and the vampire's mate came to get revenge. She slaughtered most of the village, including one of the old chief's sons, upsetting him enough to force him to change into a wolf again and attempt to fight. His wife saved him by distracting the vampire – she stabbed herself.

There's some explanation about how the packs remained small after that – two or three wolves at a time, and a story about the treaty with the Cullens.

Jacob returns Bella to Edward's custody, with a promise that he'll be standing guard in the woods outside her house that night.

Yay. That's over. But the book isn't. Because, now, we have to have a graduation party! And Alice has to tell Bella about it, because, if she doesn't, she's seen that Bella will have another tantrum. Also, she's foreseen what Bella will get her for graduation.

Shockingly annoying talent she has there.

Anything to pad out the book some more. Like, say, Bella flipping out over the date instead. Because she's going to be turned soon, and has to leave everything behind. Also, she wants to know what she's getting Alice.

Concert tickets, but, whatever. She also wants to know why Edward doesn't want her to be a vampire.

Because he feels like he's being selfish, wanting her to stay with him literally 4eva. And not having to worry about breaking her. And a bunch of other annoying, mushy crap.

Continuing with the random Q&A, Edward wants to know why Bella won't marry him. The answer? She doesn't want to be the girl that gets married fresh out of highschool because she's pregnant.

Seattle again. Because we've spent enough time discussing other insipid crap. 39 people are dead, and the news is debating over whether it could be a serial killer or gang activity. Allegedly, the bodies are so badly burned that dental records need to be used to identify them. There are also disappearances.

Off to Wayne Manor the Cullen's house! For...more talking. More stories.

It's time for Jasper to tell his story. And show off his scars.

He explains about how vampire covens in the south are constantly warring for control over the most populated areas. They would create armies of newborn vampires – because new vampires are stronger than old ones for the first year – and try to wipe each other out.

Jasper, as a human, joined the Confederate Army at seventeen, and quickly rose to the rank of Major because of his ability. He was turned, and, because of his ability to manipulate emotions, was useful enough to be allowed to survive. He eventually escaped to the north, and, because he also feels the emotions of others – and, I guess, was no longer around people who were constantly filled with anger and hatred – began to feel guilty about feeding off people. He met Alice, who was [of course] waiting for him. And they went off to find the Cullens.

The point of all those pages of backstory, of course, was the army-forming. Some vampire is forming an army, probably to come after the Cullens. It's time to call for help – the coven in Alaska, who are also 'vegetarians'.

Except, no. Because one of them was 'involved' with Laurent. She'll only agree if she can destroy the wolves that killed him.

Oh, and the graduation party isn't off. And Bella needs to study for finals. And, it's time for another custody exchange.

And time for Jacob to tell Bella that he's in love with her; he wants Bella to pick him. He kisses her; she punches him.

She breaks her hand.

Jacob takes her home. Bella calls Edward. Threats ensue. Charlie doesn't want any fighting, and threatens to put his badge on.

Bella suggests that her father arrest her. Fortunately, Jacob doesn't want to press charges; Bella in Jail won't end the books the way Bella Dead would....

Edward informs Jacob that if he ever returns Bella in less than perfect condition, he'll be less one limb, and that, if he ever tries to kiss her again, he'll break Jacob's jaw.

At this point, I'm just about desperate enough that any violence will do.

Stunning retort: 'What if she wants it?'

Then Edward won't object. But he intends to fight for her, unfairly if necessary.

Off to the Cullen's for free medical care. Emmett's pleased, of course, because, hey, violence. Also, he's got a bet with Jasper about how many people Bella will kill in her first year.

Suddenly, we're back at Bella's house, looking for clothes, and coming to another obvious plot point. Alice drops off some clothes for Bella to wear to the graduation party, and Bella suddenly figures out that it was the vampires in Seattle who stole her stuff, partly to test and see if they could find a hole in Alice's ability to see the future, and partly to find a way to lead others to Bella.

But it's graduation time. Maybe we'll get lucky, and some sort of tragic accident will happen involving those hats, or a stage light....

No. Graduation ceremony over, she tells Edward what she figured out. Edward bails for a bit. Charlie takes Bella out for dinner, where she once again fails to die from a tragic spoon accident.

Charlie frets about how he's let his daughter down by not teaching her how to throw a punch. See, even though he cheered Jacob on [after the fact], he's feeling guilty. Bella should know how to defend herself if someone were to, say, kiss her without her permission.

He recommends keeping her thumb inside her fist. I think it's a great idea, teaching her how to defend herself. Three hundred pages of Bella inadvertently punching herself in the face would be spectacularly awesome right now.

And, since there's a party now, perhaps the thoughts of the inadvertent self-guttings she'd inflict on herself if anyone were to try to teach her how to handle a sharper weapon will get us through....

Jacob shows up at the party with two of his friends: Quil and Embry. He's got a graduation present for Bella: a bracelet with a little hand-carved wolf charm.

A decision is finally made: the vampires are coming to get Bella. There's no time to call in help – except, they no longer need to. Because there's a whole back of wolves looking for a fight, and Jacob's volunteering them.

They make plans to meet up at three in the morning for a little training out in a clearing in the woods.

There are ten wolves now. They have a chat with Carlisle – through Edward, because they can't be bothered to become human again.

Now, we're subjected to fanciful descriptions of the training meeting. Jasper having Emmett demonstrate a newborn's standard attack; Jasper trying to fight Alice, and losing out to her ability to see the future; Jasper and Edward fighting to a draw.

At the end, the pack leader, Sam, decides that it would be wise to become familiar with the Cullens' scents, so they don't get confused during the fight. This downtime allows Jacob – described as a reddish-brown wolf that just so happens to be shaggier than the others – to approach Bella and completely neglect to kill her by licking her face.

Then, Jacob slips off to become human to discuss where they'll be stashing Charlie and Bella during the fight. Charlie can be stashed at the reservation easily enough, but they're likely to find Bella there. And, since they've got this unfortunate desire to keep her alive, that's not a good plan.

So they decide to try hiding her scent by having Jacob carry her off somewhere. It works, and they come up with a plan to lay a false trail, and then carry her off somewhere else.

The next evening, Edward complains about the bracelet, and the unfairness that everyone else gets to give Bella presents without her throwing a tantrum. She attempts to justify it with 'you've given me you!'

He processed that for a moment, and then rolled his eyes. "The way you regard me is ludicrous."

--Eclipse Chapter 19: Selfish

Yeah. I hate to say it, but I agree.

They argue about whether or not Bella should be in the clearing some more, and whether or not she could get Seth [another wolf] or Jacob to show her the way to the fight.

Edward, who now knows all about the pack from reading their minds, informs her that Jacob is second in command, and that, if Sam wouldn't give the order to keep her away, Jacob probably would. Also, one of the wolves is a female – Leah, the packleader's ex. And she's malicious, bringing up things like the questionable parentage of Embry. Jerry Springer with wolves. Joy.

But, back to the point. Bella's learning how to manipulate, and she gets Edward to agree to stay with her wherever they plan to hide her instead of joining the fight.

Edward and Alice trade places, so he can go discuss sitting out the fight. And so Alice can tell Charlie all about how everyone else is going hiking, and she'll be left all alone. That, of course, gets him to agree to let Bella spend the time with Alice at her place.

We're off to another training session, where Bella has a chat with Jacob in wolf form. Then, off to the Cullen house, where Edward and Bella are alone. Edward attaches a large, heart-shaped diamond to the other side of Bella's new bracelet, calling it an accurate representation of himself with a whole list of words that can be boiled down to tacky.

Bella tries to get Edward to sleep with her. She wants to do it before she's turned. Edward demonstrates that he's afraid he might break her by breaking the bed.

He then requests that Bella stop trying to remove her clothes, and that she marry him before they even attempt such a filthy thing as the sex. Because he wants their virtues to remain intact. Just in case.

Alice sees the future where they sneak off to Vegas to get married, and uses the 'Do you love me' thing on Bella to get permission to plan the wedding.

Off to set the fake trail. Touching things, leaving behind stray hairs. Tripping, cutting herself, and deciding to leave hints of her blood everywhere.

Nine miles of terribly boring conversation later, Jacob brings Bella to the camp site where they'll be hiding her. Jacob wants Bella to 'play the field', and to admit that she's in love with him. We also find out that Jacob's supposed to be the alpha, but he didn't want to step up.

It's the middle of June, right? Right. A really, really bad snowstorm hits. Bella's freezing. Edward tells Jacob to 'fetch a space heater', so he gets into the tent. And into the sleeping bag with Bella.

More time for inane chat, yay. Bella wants to know why Jacob's wolf form is shaggier than the others. Isn't it obvious? It's because he's letting his hair grow back out.

Edward complains about Jacob's fantasies, and how loud they are. They have a long chat about Bella while Bella 'sleeps'.

The uneasy truce ends the next morning. Edward and Bella compare notes on their top ten best nights – a ploy to get Jacob to overhear that Bella has agreed to marry Edward.

Jacob runs off. Edward brings him back at Bella's request. Pages upon pages of weepy emo bullshit. Jacob threatens to let himself be killed in the fight, thereby manipulating her into asking him to kiss her.

She imagines an entire annoying future with him; a paragraph that feels like a lifetime. I think I'd like to die now.

Ohthankgodthefight'sstarted.

Edward relays a play by play as told by Seth, the werewolf that's been left to guard them, or keep them in touch with the others, or something.

For some unnamed reason, Edward tells Seth to go...somewhere. Shortly thereafter, Victoria arrives. With help.

Yay. Help. Help for us. We're back at the prologue! Death plees kthx!

Seth returns to even the odds. Boo.

Bella decides to reenact the story of the third wife. Yay!

There's an entertaining scene in which the other vampire – Riley – gets his arm torn off, and it's flung toward Bella. And the arm starts crawling mindlessly away.

Then, the fight's over. More talking. 'Aren't you afraid of me?' 'Of course not.'

Except it's not over; one of the wolves gets hurt by a straggler. Jacob, of course, but he survives.

Bella faints. Tragically, she wakes up again, after they've reached the rest of the family.

One of the newborns surrendered. She's by the fire in the clearing, curled into a ball, alternately digging into the dirt and clutching her head, howling mindlessly, and asking 'how can you stand it?'

I can only assume that they defeated her by forcing her to read these books, as this was my exact response.

The Volturi guard arrives. Jane tortures the newborn for a bit; I begin to suspect that Jane's special powers involve the direct implanting of slashfiction into the brains of her victims.

Jane tries to torture Bella, but her awesome MarySueness renders her immune to the ghastliness that is Mpreg.

'Oh, you're still human.' 'The date is set.' Yes. The date for the release of the next book is set, isn't it? And the one after that....

Felix [another member of the guard] kills the newborn; we all wish we could die with her.

It's not over yet. Bella has to go back home now, and talk to Charlie. And wait to be able to see Jacob. Carlisle is tending to him. There's talk of re-breaking bones.

...and a strange discussion about why some talents work on Bella, while others don't. The excuse, apparently, is that the things that don't work on her are things that work inside the mind, instead of on the body. Except, it makes little sense, because Jane's ability is to cause pain.

Maybe it really does involve slashfic....

More words. The story they fed Charlie explaining Jacob's injuries involved a motorcycle accident. Charlie decides that Jacob might not be mature enough to be a valid choice for a relationship with his daughter, after all.

Bella goes to visit Jacob, and, after a bucket of emo, we have an official mention of the title of the book in the dialogue.

Yippie. A whole chapter of sobbing. Okay. Really more like half, and then a concession about the wedding and letting Alice plan it. Edward calls the whole thing off, and offers to turn her right then in what was probably a fit of reverse psychology to make Bella feel like it was all her idea to take time and move forward at his pace. Then, they're off to the next book, to tell Charlie about the impending nuptials.

But wait, there's an epilogue, from Jacob's point of view. Strangely, his PoV sounds an awful lot like Bella's PoV, but with fewer...well, okay, not really, but almost fewer modifiers.

He's gotten an invitation to the fourth book wedding. He decides to bail – he turns into a wolf, and runs for it, leaving the pack behind.

Kinda how I feel right now, honestly; especially since I know that the next book is three books in one. I think I'd very much like to explode right now. Or implode.

I think I'm just tired right now. I might not get the next one up by tomorrow; if I do, it'll probably just be the first of the three books that make up Breaking Dawn.

Maybe I'll even try a slightly different style.

Yes. I'm back to drag you through another one of these – and it only gets worse from here.

The last one was like being dragged along a gravel road against your will; this time, it's a beach. With used needles and broken glass.

I wasn't running for my life; I was racing to save something infinitely more precious. My own life meant little to me today

….

So it didn't matter to me that we were surrounded by our extraordinarily dangerous enemies.
As the clock began to toll out the hour, vibrating under the soles of my sluggish feet, I knew
I was too late–and I was glad something bloodthirsty waited in the wings. For in failing at
this, I forfeited any desire to live.

– New Moon Prologue

Here we go again. Same overall style – desperate attempt at a hook in the prologue, hinting at the climax, and so on.

Bella's fretting about getting older; she doesn't want to get any older, because she doesn't want to be older than Edward. Shocking. Scandalous. We know she's fretting because, after the book starts out with a dream about her seeing herself in a mirror as looking like her grandma, next to a non-reflexion-having Edward, she spends pages and pages bitching about it. To everyone. No parties, no presents; just whining.

But, her dad gets her a [film using!] camera; her mom, a...scrapbook with metal clips for photos. And the Cullens are throwing her a party.

Their reason? They haven't had a reason to throw a birthday party since the 30s, when, I guess, they were celebrating Emmett's turning. You'd think, since they probably remember the day they were turned, they could continue to celebrate that if they really wanted to have a birthday party...but, no. Apparently not. And she can't get out of it [subjecting us to a drawn out series of Romeo and Juliet related excuses, which then plays out in a discussion about how Edward planned to kill himself if she'd died in the last book] because it'd make Alice sad.

I guess it's because they don't get a thrill out of buying things for each other, since they obviously have so much money. Because Alice can see the future. Sometimes. Unless someone changes their mind. But it works anyway, so they can predict the stock market, or something.

Not that it works to prevent what happens at the birthday party. I suppose Alice can't see accidents – as if she'd need to. Edward, who seems to think Bella can't stay alive on her own for sixty seconds at a stretch without someone to rescue her, didn't even see the obvious plot device coming.

There she is, getting presents – including an expensive new car stereo for her antique truck that one of them installed in under a minute so she couldn't refuse it [I'm sure there were no compatibility issues at all] – when she gets a paper cut unwrapping whatever Edward got her. Obviously. Who didn't see that coming? According to everything we've been told so far, this chick could inadvertently give herself a concussion with a barely filled water balloon, or a cube of Jello.

And, since her blood is, apparently, the vampire equivalent of the finest of liquors [or really good heroin, if such a thing exists], Jasper [another of the Cullens] attacks her. In his attempts to rescue her, Edward does even more damage, because this bitch can't fall without re-enacting that scene I mentioned from Fantastic 4.

Carlisle, apparently due to his age and years of being a doctor, was the only one able to stay around her, and patch her up...and I'm suddenly wondering how many times this guy's been through med school, since he was born in the 1600s....

But, hey, we're cleanin' and stitchin' wounds here. That's a great time for a little discussion about origins, and whether or not vampires have souls, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's wedge in a little bit about why Edward won't turn her like she wants. He loves her too much to...I don't know, damn her? Take away her soul? Something.
Whatever.

Naturally, Edward responds to the incident with the maturity one accumulates after being alive since 1918 [yes, he was a victim of H1N1] – with nearly a hundred years of pent up teen angst. He throws a little tantrum, gets bitchy, and gets all snippy at her when she finally wants to open the rest of her presents [two tickets to Florida to see her mother, and a CD of Edward playing the piano – I'm sure it was all stuff he wrote, naturally, since he's so amazingly perfect, gifted, talented and wonderful!] after she gets home.

He's moved on to distant sulkiness by the next day, naturally, and refuses to spend the night with her. Apparently, he's continued the tradition of sneaking into her house at night – except, now, instead of her not knowing it, he spends the night in bed with her, sneaking out before her dad wakes up.

There's more crap about the camera that uses this strange 'film' stuff, and getting double prints so she can send some off to her mother, and starting her little scrapbook, which mostly just seems to exist to set things up, and kill time until Edward gets out of 'sulk' mode.

...and into avoidance. He's leaving. The entire family's leaving, but, mostly, he's leaving. Because Bella's not good for him. So, he's going to leave, and it'll be as if he's never existed. The only thing he's going to leave her with is a demand that she not do anything reckless or stupid.

She instantly gets lost in the woods.

Unfortunately, one of the people from the reservation finds her. Yet another great chance to kill her off and end the damned series missed....

If anyone needs a moment to cry about that, go ahead. I'll be here when you get back. I also recommend getting yourself a case or two of something very strong to drink, or raiding a pharmacy for the good painkillers. We're going to be here a while; you'll need it.

Bring me some while you're at it.

Bella discovers that, when Edward said 'it'll be like I never existed', he meant it – he'd taken the pictures she had of him, and the CD [and hid them under her floorboards, but she doesn't know that]. She slips into a deep depression; fortunately, the author seems to slip into the same depression, and just writes out the names of a few consecutive months instead of dragging her readers through the disgusting, sad mire [Meyer, hah!] of darkness and gothy woe.

Unfortunately, we do have to suffer through her slow crawl back from gothdom, in which she makes plans with Everyone's Favourite Stereotypical Highschool Bitch to see some zombie movie in another town, and finds herself in the same area where Edward rescued her from some random men in the previous book.

...and discovers that she's either hallucinating, or that Edward's got a very faulty system that allows him to wiretap her brain, and talk directly to her when she's about to do something stupid. I still have no idea which – either option seems equally likely.

So, she decides to be reckless, and break promises. Pathetic teenage rebellion, yay! And what's more reckless than hanging out with boys on the reservation [La Push, since I never bothered to name it before], and getting one of them to help her fix up some old motorcycles she just happened to find sitting down by the curb to be picked up with the trash.

Meet Jacob, the boy from the reservation from the first book. The one who told her the stories about the vampires [and the wolf men; guess I forgot to mention that], and warned her at the prom. He's also the son of the guy who sold her dad the old truck that's now hers – and now no longer has a shiny new radio, because she ripped it out after Edward left. He builds cars, and happens to be just ever so tall [6'5”, which he apparently announces with 'self-satisfaction']. Like certain other boys on the reservation, who may or may not be members of a cult.

Bella starts spending a lot of time with Jacob, fixing up the bikes behind her dad's back [he hates motorcycles]. Her dad never finds out, because Jacob's dad can't get to the garage, where they've oh-so-cleverly hidden them. See, he's in a wheelchair; I suppose that's important somehow.

...where was I before the phone rang?

Irrelevant details. Right. She starts hanging out with Jacob, hoping to be reckless so she can hear Edward's voice in her head, and accidentally enjoying herself. And surprising a bunch of people at school by talking to them, after what must've been many blissful months of silence....

One of the girls at her table talks about a stomach flu, and a huge, unlikely bear. Two things which, unfortunately, become important to the story almost immediately. But not before Jacob gets the bikes working, and takes her out to try and teach she-who-trips-over-raindrops-and-autodefenestrates how to operate the desperate act of rebellion.

On the way to their clandestine training location, she witnesses The La Push Gang – the great, horrible cult that all the overly-tall boys on the reservation are joining out of nowhere – taking part in some recreational mid-January cliff diving.

Naturally, this gives Bella a lovely backup plan [okay, that's not really how it goes, but it sounds better if I write it this way]. If learning how to ride a motorcycle doesn't trigger the voice in her head, maybe cliff diving will. Because, really, who wouldn't want the voice of the creepy stalker bastard butting into your thoughts every time you did something you were told not to do after said creepy stalker bailed on you and left an overwrought metaphorical hole in your stupid, stupid chest?

The motorcycle thing works, though. Once she finally gets it going, the voice distracts her so much that she, predictably, wrecks. The bike lands on top of her and drags her for a short distance, and we all feel her pain, and wish that we could've been dragged such a short distance.

No, we're not so lucky. We've still got miles to go. Breaking Down Dawn is actually three books in one!

After a few more accidents, Jacob suggests that they try to keep Bella out of the hospital for a little while. This, obviously, is a great time to try to find the clearing from the first book. The one where the sparkling happened.

I think it's time to subject you to another quote:

I was like a lost moon–my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation–that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

New Moon, Chapter 9: Third Wheel

It seems to fit nicely with what happens next. Bella goes to see another movie with what was supposed to be a group of people, but ended up just being her, Jacob, and the ever-helpful, fawning Mike [someone else I only just bothered naming for you].

Based on the descriptions, the movie they went to see is the Twilightverse equivalent of a badly written Kill Bill knockoff, except...moreso. Because everything about this sucks. And Mike gets sick. Hey, look! All that talk about the stomach flu earlier was almost like foreshadowing!

How clever.

While Mike's off re-greeting last month's school lunch, Jacob assumes the role of Mr. States The Obvious In A Vague, Roundabout Way, informing Bella that he's going to be very persistent about sticking around and trying to get her to like him the way he likes her. More than friends, and all that. But, hey, here's Mike again. Mike, meet Mr. Empty Popcorn Bucket, your newest, bestest friend. Please don't vomit all over the back seat of the incredibly awesome VW Rabbit I restored all by myself, because that would be tragic and sad.

Yeah. Really. Also, Bella notices that Jacob is overly warm. “I'm fine. Oh, by the way, you can totally count on me. I won't let you down.”

Here's a treat! Several more pages about the stomach flu! Thank god. Y'know what? I've got a theory about this thing – it's not actually a pathogen, but a sort of meta-reaction of the unspeakable suck.

Surprise. Jacob lets her down. Even worse: he's joined that awful cult!

She goes off to find that clearing alone. Not that she manages to remain alone – one of the other vampires from the first book shows up. A 'coven' member of the now dead 'tracker' [James].

Time for more head voices! Because Laurent's been eating people, even though he went off to hang out with the other 'vegetarian' group. Yes. Really. 'Vegetarian'. Because they eat wildlife instead of people. And Laurent's hunting.

But, first, he has to Bond Villain for a bit, telling Bella all about how Victoria [the third member of that group from the first book] is all vengeful and looking to kill her. Because James is dead, and she's decided on a 'mate for a mate' mode of payback.

Another chance to end the series missed. Because the giant fucking wolves show up, revealing the source of the giant bear rumours. Neither the vampire nor the stupidly overgrown wolves kill her.

More crying; more angst; Jacob isn't talking to her now. She goes to confront him, but he can't tell her anything except that it's not what she thinks. Sam, the 'cult' leader, really isn't that bad. Or to blame. Because it's all the fault of the Cullens.

They break up, but not really, because there wasn't anything there. Bella tries to stop it by promising that she'll try to make there be something there. But, no.

Until Jacob shows up outside her bedroom window that night. And by 'outside her window', I mean 'at the top of a tree that's bent under his weight and is scraping the side of the house'. But, hey, vampires and giant wolves, right? How could things get any sillier?

He's sorry. Oh so sorry. He still can't tell her anything, but he can drop lots and lots of hints so she can find her way to figuring it out for herself.

Yeah. She remembers the stories he told her about his ancestors, who were supposedly wolves who turned into men, who made treaties with the 'cold ones'.

We have werewolves. Except...not really. These can change at will. Or when they get really emotionally unstable. Oh, and there've been all sorts of deaths out in the woods, so Bella's dad and a bunch of other people are off to hunt the wolves.

Bella rushes off to La Push to have a little talk with Jacob – to ask him if he's tried not being a werewolf, and, by the way, why are you eating people? Jacob wants to know why she hates werewolves.

The voice in Bella's head pops in to give her some helpful information about keeping Jacob calm, making me suspect it really is long-distance brain-tapping.

Bella's sorry; Jacob's sorry. Also, they killed that vampire. And the disappearing people are Victoria's fault – but, hey, the wolves are keeping an eye on Charlie [Bella's dad], so it'll be okay.

More fun, random facts get thrown our way. The wolves are telepathic. They can hear everything that's in the other wolves' heads. Also, if the pack leader gives an order [like, say, “Don't tell others about us.”] it's impossible to go against that order.

Dropping hints is okay, I guess. And being seen by random people.

Jacob calls a meeting. Somehow. I suppose they were all in wolf form at the time, and the pack leader was willing to respond to a meeting summons from a lesser member. Bella goes with him, which starts a fight. She's a 'leech lover', after all, and one of the pack members doesn't like that Jacob protects her, or even talks to her.

Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.

--New Moon Chapter 14: Family.

Yes!

...wait, no. He didn't really explode, after all. He just turned into a wolf.

Dark silver fur blew out from the boy, coalescing into a shape more than five-times his size–a
massive, crouched shape, ready to spring.

….

With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too. He burst out of his skin–shreds of
black and white cloth blasted up into the air. It happened so quickly that if I'd blinked, I'd
have missed the entire transformation. One second it was Jacob diving into the air, and then
it was the gigantic, russet brown wolf–so enormous that I couldn't make sense of its mass
somehow fitting inside Jacob–charging the crouched silver beast.

--New Moon Chapter 14: Family

Yeah. You're not the only one having an issue with this impossibility.

I'm not sure if this was written to test the limits of the reader's credulity, or to illustrate the point that werewolves are more dangerous to have as boyfriends than your average unstable alcoholic. Or a vampire.

Apparently, it's the latter, because, during some good natured betting [hey, it's a reservation] on who will come out injured, and whether Bella will vomit [she seems to do that a lot in this book; I'm seeing a very unpleasant trend], the 'werewolves are unsafe to be around' statement is trotted out, along with 'hey, when we get you back to our pack leader's house, don't stare at his girlfriend, because he totally messed her up one day. But it's okay; he promises he'll never do it again, and they're totally in love with each other.'

What does this story need now? A group of oversized teen boys sitting around a table, discussing things. Because they exist to kill vampires, and Victoria is after Bella.

One of them is pleased, because they now have bait.

You can stop rejoicing; Jacob objects to this idea. It's decided that Bella should spend all her free time in La Push, so she's safe, giving us lots of time for random discussions about even more unlikely aspects of werewolf physiology.

For example: werewolves 'run hotter' than normal humans. 108 to 109. And they never, ever get cold. Not even when standing in shorts in a blizzard.

Now, I know it's completely inappropriate of me to rely on anecdata, but, at this point, I actually had to rewind and see if I'd heard that correctly, because it goes against everything I've ever experienced. Maybe I'm just neglecting to factor 'supernatural bullshit' into this, but...I kinda live with someone who is unpleasantly, almost intolerably warm. He's not anywhere near happy until the air around him is equal to or exceeding his internal temperature. In my experience, this fictional character, convenient walking heater or not, would be constantly shivering just to maintain some level of warmth.

Back to the story, because it's time to stop dragging this out, and get back to the crap that leads to the prologue! Cliff diving. Jacob promised to take her, but he's out going after Victoria with the pack. And Bella's bored, and wants to hear Edward's voice again. So, bring on the suicide attempt that will later be denied.

Jacob saves her from drowning. Insufferable bastard. That's, what, three missed opportunities now?

Alice, of course, saw it. Her deciding to jump, but not getting saved – because she can't see werewolves. The message gets passed on to Edward by Rosalie, because, apparently, her only real trait is bitch.

Can't say I blame her.

Another conveniently timed event: one of Charlie's friends on the reservation dies. Lucky, lucky bastard.

Not that any of this gets more than a mention in the book, because, after all, it's from Bella's point of view. All first person. Annoying. Instead, the slow, torturous drag across that beach I mentioned continues with a premise-stretching internal monologue about Romeo and Juliet, and what if there'd been more to Paris? What if he'd been Juliet's best friend? And what if Romeo had gone, and never come back?

Well, then, it'd be an entirely different pile of angsty teen crap foisted on disinterested highschool students. Or, since this is probably the point being oh-so-subtly hammered home with excessive force, it'd be New fucking Moon. Except without the Juliet ending up with Paris, and instead surviving and ending up with Romeo and living sappily ever after. And without the arguably superior writing ability of Shakespeare.

Jacob takes Bella home; Jacob is upset to find a vampire waiting for them, and to find that Bella is unafraid. There's a car out front, after all, and what other vampire drives a luxury car? It must be one of the Cullens.

It's Alice, who's very, very confused to find Bella alive. She also hasn't fed in a few days, but...four now? Racking them up, aren't we....

Bella and Alice sit down to discuss the story so far, managing to do it in fewer pages than I have. Terribly sorry about that; I'm awfully proud of myself for making it to [at this point] eleven pages. This is literally the longest non-school-related thing I've ever written.

Alice runs off to feed after informing Bella that she smells bad; the next morning, Bella, feigning sleep in the living room, overhears Alice talking to Charlie about those gloriously glossed-over goth times

Good things can't last, can they? Of course not. Charlie apparently ended her near-catatonic state by having her mom [Rene] come up to take her 'home' to Florida. Your average toddler-teen tantrum ensued.

More expositional chattery. Bella and Alice discuss what the Cullens are doing now, and talk about what new information Alice has managed to dig up about herself, since she had no memory of herself as a human. There was something about that in the previous book; James talking about how he'd been after her, but she'd been turned before he could get to her.

Jacob shows up to ask whether or not the rest of the Cullens plan to return. Bella wonders why she can't be friends with both werewolves and vampires at the same time.

While she's occupied with her threeway-slashfic-inspiring musings, the phone rings. Jacob answers, and informs the caller that 'He's at the funeral.'

Yeah. It was Edward calling. And now we have Bella, Jacob, and Alice, all in the same room. Still, nobody's going to die.

Alice calls home, discovers that Rosalie told Edward that Bella had killed herself [why, exactly, didn't Alice see Rosalie deciding to do that?] – so, now, Edward's heading off to Italy.

Where the Volturi – who apparently keep all the vampires in the world in line with a bunch of rules about not exposing the secret of their existence – live. To ask them to kill him, or to force them to kill him by making a scene, thereby exposing their secret, and...well, you get the picture.

Guess where we're going now! Yes, that's right. But it's a long trip, with lots of time to fill in the backstory on the Volturi.

We get to hear all about Aro, Caius, and Marcus, two unnamed females, and the guard. About how their love of power is probably what keeps them together, and about their special abilities. The guard, apparently, are selected for their special abilities, and it's a great honour to serve. Oh, and how Volterra is the safest city in the world when it comes to vampire attacks, because they've held it for three thousand years.

Then comes the decision: No, that'd be wasteful. Join us instead. Also, Edward's decision. He's going to walk out into the sun, and sparkle at people. At noon. In the main plaza. Under the clock tower. Yay. We've almost looped entirely back to the prologue!

Alice steals a bright yellow Porsche after they land. Because, when you're stealing fast cars, you obviously want to steal the one everyone's going to notice.

While they're zipping along at unrealistic speeds, they chat some more. This time, it's about the apparent irony of the date. There's some sort of celebration going on, because it's supposedly the day that St. Marcus [the same Marcus, yes] drove all the vampires out of the town.

This being a special day, it takes a while to get to the gates, and only tour buses are allowed into the town. Alice bribes the guard with [supposedly] a thick wad of $1000 bills and a story about a private tour. Because, you see, they're desperately, disgustingly wealthy.

Now, everything relies on Bella's ability to go three seconds without inadvertently nuking herself. And by 'nuking', I mean 'Oh dear, I seem to have fallen into the microwave while attempting to make popcorn; somehow, I also managed to set the timer and push start!'

Somehow, she makes it, throwing herself into Edward's arms at the very last possible second. Edward thinks he's been killed, and is now in hell.

Yes, Edward. We're all in hell. Thanks for noticing. We're in hell, because the book doesn't end here. We have to have another meeting. The Volturi want to speak with us.

There's a long, drawn out trip under the city to reach their location, where we get to hear all about how Aro can hear every thought your mind has ever had – but only with physical contact. Marcus has the ability to see relationships, whatever that means.

Then, of course, there's the fun game of 'does it work on Bella'. Because Edward can't read Bella's thoughts. Neither can Aro. And now there's musing as to whether or not Jane's ability works on her – whoever Jane is. A member of the guard, I guess. A member because she can cause intense pain with a look.

I don't consider that a very special talent. If someone wanted to cause intense pain in someone, you wouldn't really have to look at them – just make them read this shit.

See? I'm doing it right now, and you're not even reading the books.

Jane can't hurt her; we're all very sad.

They're allowed to leave, but only after showing Aro that Bella will be turned. Otherwise, they'd have to kill her for knowing their secrets – and the Cullens for allowing her to know.

They leave, but not before seeing a tour group being led up. For dinner. One stolen car later, and they're on a plane home, where the rest of the Cullens are waiting to have their weepy-without-tears reunion. Also, Rosalie wants to say she's sorry.

Now she's home. Charlie's mad – especially at Edward. He bans Edward from the house, but that doesn't stop him. We get a whole chapter of Bella and Edward talking about their love for each other, and how Edward was off distracting himself by being a very crappy tracker. He was in South America hunting for Victoria while Victoria was trying to get past the werewolves and into Forks.

They sneak out of Bella's house – because Bella wants to put her mortality to a vote – and, on the way, Bella has a very stupid epiphany. She was hearing Edward's voice because Edward loved her.

Everyone except Edward and Rosalie votes yes. Rosalie qualifies her vote by saying that she'd love to have Bella as a sister, but she wouldn't have chosen this life, and she wishes that someone had been there to vote no for her.

Bella wants to do it now. Edward wants to wait until Bella's graduated and moved out of Charlie's house.

Also, Bella wants Edward to turn her. It's time for a little game of 'Let's Make A Deal'. Edward wants five years; Bella refuses. Three years? No. Bella offers six months, then a year. Because nineteen is her limit. The time limit dickering isn't working, so Edward decides that his condition will be marriage.

They're back at Bella's house, and the argument over marriage wakes up Charlie. He threatens to send Bella to Florida; Bella presents a counter-offer of 'grounding and basically doing everything she's already been doing [laundry, cooking, cleaning]' or moving out.

Bella's grounded. Bella's fretting about Jacob. And Jacob's outing Bella to Charlie by dropping off Bella's motorcycle. Jacob wants Bella grounded, except Bella's already grounded.

The book ends with a trite line about Bella going inside to meet her fate, with her destiny at her side.

I'm sincerely dreading the next two. I [obviously] lost my focus toward the end of this one, and had to force out the last little bit. It really does only get worse from here.

I'm very sorry. Really, I am.

Okay, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm enjoying the thought of inflicting this on an unsuspecting public.

I know I'm running the risk of being entirely too trendy, but I just have to say it: Twilight sucks.

I also know what you're about to say. Let's see if I can cover all the outrage all quick-like....

You read that crap?

No. No I didn't. I tried. I couldn't. Three pages into Twilight, and I could feel my brain screaming and trying to squelch its way out of my skull through my ears like a desperate, enraged, hungry shoggoth trying to fit through the Eisenhower tunnel.

You had the same problem with Harry Potter and you ended up enjoying that when you read it. And you just said you didn't read it, so you can't know that it sucks.

Indeed, I am well and truly pwned. Except Harry Potter didn't suck nearly as much as these books. And I was able to read them after listening to the audiobooks [as read by Stephen Fry, who is undeniably awesome].

Hey, look at that word. Audiobooks. They're also kinda cool. 'Audiobooks' are how I'm able to say that I've never read these four ever-expanding yet nearly identical piles of florid crap.

Not even Stephen Fry's incredible awesomeness could've saved these audiobooks. I'd love to say that Kathy Bates could've done something for them, but that might be a lie. Also, I wouldn't want to taint the other good audiobook experiences I've had at her voice's expense.

The reader was an annoying, tween-voiced individual. Most of the time. When she didn't sound like she needed a lozenge. And when, in the last two books, there was a guy reading different parts.

...which kinda brings us to the contents of the books themselves.

All four start the same way, with a Preface that's supposed to be suspenseful and hinting at an ending event. Except it's more like a 'climax event', with a dénouement that forgets to stop happening, becoming mired in its own high fructose corn syrupy excrement.

Between that attempted climactic tease and the actual climax are way, way too many pages of whatever crap that book happens to be about. I'll probably have to go into each one individually. Then, maybe I'll try to wipe this crap from my mind. I believe it's a classic internet tactic to talk about drinking at this point....

Twilight

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had
reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not
have imagined it like this.

– Twilight Prologue

We're all praying for death now. Some of us may even be a little more proactive about it, looking for sharp objects like spoons to shove into our eyesockets instead of leaving it up to the cruel, capricious deity that allowed for not just the publishing, but the underwhelming popularity of this first installment in this repulsive, bloating cashcorpse of a series.

If you kept reading beyond that point, you're far tougher than I am; I didn't make it past the first couple of pages of the first chapter. What could I do? Give up? The hell you say. I didn't give up on Celebrian [don't ever click on that link]! The solution, obviously, is to obtain the audiobooks, and subject myself to these stories that way.

Ilyana Kadushin was kind enough to drag me through this story [and the other three, except for the parts read by some guy]. I can't place all the blame on her, though – Stephenie Meyer's the one that wrote the words that kept hauling me back from my blissfully near-comatose state that first night.

I'm not kidding. I kept trying to go to sleep while listening to it, and I kept twitching awake.

The first book is a lot like the movie, except, instead of having to sit there and watch poor Cedric Diggory look [and sound] like he's suffering as much as you are, you have nobody. Nobody appears to be suffering with you.

Unless you're taking turns reading the book out loud with a group of friends. In that case, you're either a member of a very obnoxious demographic that inexplicably needs to change its collective panties every three pages, or you're stationed at Gitmo, and various groups would like to have a chat with you about human rights and torture.

Yes. I really am going on like this so I don't have to remember it. Me. The girl who reads bad fanfiction, begs others for bad fanfiction, and giggles with schoolgirlish delight at the cries of horror when I subject others to bad fanfiction. I don't want to think about this shit.

Because that's all this is. Fanfiction. Really bad, mixed up, alternate universe Mary Sue having fanfiction.

I'm sure most of us know the plot of this one, because, at some point, most of us have tried to get through the terrible movie they made out of this abominable collection of words.

Our dear Mary Sue, or 'Bella', as she prefers to be called, is portrayed as your average world-weary teen who can't possibly fit in because, oh dear, she's so pale, so quirky, and likes to read the classics. She's leaving her mom to move in with her dad, possibly because she's sick of raising an adult toddler, and would prefer to play parent to an indifferent adult teenager for a while.

Bella's parents, it seems, aren't just characters nearly as...tertiary as the 'other kids in her new school' – they're exactly half of a whole person. Mom is a flighty, indecisive, irresponsible hummingbird who, apparently, would die from a half-baked skydiving attempt if Bella weren't there to stop her. Dad is mostly absent. He works a lot, can't cook [of course], and has a strange, erratic temper.

Okay, maybe dad's less than half of a whole character. But I still think that, if you were to combine the mother and the father, you'd get a far more believable young adult than Bella.

Bella angsts herself to sleep before her first day of school, where we find out how desperately well-read she is [but she'll do the reading anyway, because she loves the assigned reading! Gasp!]...and how inexplicably attractive she is as the new girl. Because all sorts of less-than-memorable boys keep trying to help her.

Lunchtime, then. And we descend fully into hell, where we're never more than a few paragraphs away from being adverbed to death. Because, from here on out, it's all about the perfect, statue of a greek god-like, 'devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful' vampires.

Okay. There are adjectives, too. And it's mostly about Edward. But, still, there's a lot of repetitive describing.

Also: creepiness. Because, while Bella is becoming more and more obsessed with Edward, Edward is being your basic offputting, stalkery, potentially abusive jerkwad. His behaviour seems calculated to get Bella obsessed with him. He demands to be switched out of the class he shares with her, disappears for a few days, avoids her, and then, for no good reason, saves her awkward, useless, whiny life.

“We shouldn't be friends.”

“But you saved my life, and I'm obsessed with you!”

“By the way, I sneak into your room every night and watch you sleep.”

...wait, what?

Bella spends about three thousand chapters putting two and two together to get vampire, after 'flirting' the story out of one of the reservation boys. Edward saves Bella from some bad people in an alley [I'm not stalking you; I'm following you because you can't keep yourself alive!]

Oh, and I forgot to mention, Bella faints at the sight of blood. I'm not sure what that's supposed to be, but it keeps coming up.

Then, they were together. Because Bella figured it out, and, I guess, the 'get away from me' game had to evolve into the 'now that you're suitably obsessed, I'll spend time with you' game.

More adjectives. More adverbs. More words. And sparkling.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

--Twilight, Chapter 13 [Confessions]

Yes. Sparkling.

After another round of 'scare the obsessed girl', possibly to reinforce the 'want what I can't have' obsession, I guess they're officially together. Time to meet the parents! And hear stories about the 'father' of the family, and Edward's creation.

...and find out that they wait for thunderstorms to play baseball. Because nobody's ever firing weapons in the heavily wooded regions of Washington. No. They need the cover of the storm for a game of supernatural baseball.

Finally, there's some badguys. A vampire they refer to as a 'tracker', who fixates on Bella. She's forced to break up with her father [yes, I meant to say that], and run back to Arizona with Alice and Jasper, while everyone else runs around trying to throw the tracker off her trail. Except for Rosalie, who I assume is just off throwing a prettygirl tantrum somewhere.

The tracker lures her using a recording of her mother's voice from an old home movie. And she dies.

...or, well, she should've died. It would've been a much better book if she had. But, no, the Cullens swoop in to save the day at the last minute. Except she's been bitten, which means she's been exposed to the vampire's venom.

Because, you see, that's how vampirism spreads. Through venom. They bite you; you become a vampire. But, no! We must save her! Treat it like a snakebite; suck the venom out.

Seriously.

She's left with a cold, glittery scar. Also, a cast on her leg, and a story about how she ever-so-clumsily fell down some stairs. And possibly out a window. Then in through another window, through the bottom of an indoor pool, out another window, and into a...wait, no, that was Fantastic 4....

And a date to the prom, which she pitches a fit over. The book ends with a warning from reservation boy about how someone will be watching her, and her wanting to become a vampire.

I'm going to end this here, because this is getting out of hand. I'll have the other three...whatever these are [they're more like mocking book reports than reviews] up eventually.