We were going to go see it during the day, when tickets were cheaper, but Gremlin forgot and slept through those hours. So...we went when it cost more, and was more crowded. Which means we ended up sitting really close to the screen. But...that was kinda my choice, because I didn't want to sit between Drunk and Drunker....

Unfortunately, we got there in time for the previews, which means I was subjected to the Twilight sequel's deplorable morphing CG. Ugh. Wow. Really? Did you have to reveal that in the preview? What the hell is wrong with you people?

And then there was this other stupid kiddie movie, and all I remember is a Stone of Gayness, and some idiot making a wish for something to be a dung beetle, and then becoming...not a dung beetle.

So, yeah. Bad previews. Then, we leap right into the movie. Or, actually, we leap right into an FPS. I assume it's the perspective of the somehow-able-to-fly-without-brooms Death Eaters flying around London, destroying a bunch of shit, and possibly kidnapping Olivander. Not...entirely clear. Mostly, it just gives you the feeling that they were too cheap to hire anyone else, and went directly to the company making the Half Blood Prince videogame for the rendering.

Are we finally in the movie now? Oh good. Yes, there it is. There's Harry -- not at the Dursley's, but out in the muggle world, breaking the stupid secrecy thing by reading The Daily Prophet in a muggle cafe, and flirting with the waitress. We don't get to see Dumbledore torturing the Durlsey's, which is...sad.

Then we're off to get Slughorn...who...isn't really as described in the book. Instead of being a relatively clever fat guy, we've got this not-so-fat guy who appears to be suffering from one senior moment after another. Also, more videogame quality CG of the house being cleaned up.

After that, Dumbledore apparently ditches Harry mid-apparition at the Weasley's -- or, rather, in some weird swamp that's somehow right next to the Burrow. Insert whimsical stairs and bad comedy routine about 'Harry's wandering around the house' here. Also insert badly forced inter-character chemistry here.

I may've missed a scene here. Or they switched everything around, because then we're in an unnamed, perpetually rainy part of...who the hell knows where. I can only assume it's supposed to be Spinner's End. But it's day...ish. And Narcissa Malfoy is apparently being played by a rather old Rogue from X-Men.

...and I think I've made my point. Except:

They left out some very important memories. Like, 80% of the memories. You don't see the Gaunts. You don't see Hepzibah Smith. You don't see Tom's first murder. You find out -- incorrectly -- that the ring belonged to Merope Gaunt. Harry -- movie Harry -- is completely unprepared to hunt down horcruxes. He doesn't know about the cup, or that Voldemort returned to Hogwarts to get the DADA job [and, apparently, cursed it when he didn't get it].

You never really find out that Minister for Magic has been replaced, or that the Ministry is arresting people that aren't actually guilty of anything. Or who/what Fenrir Greyback is. Tonks and Lupin are just thrown together in an apparent relationship in this movie. The Burrow is destroyed. There's no Bill and Fleur, which means there's no wedding in the next movie. There's no mention of Arthur's new job. And, apparently, Mrs. Weasley's been taken over by the Dursley's -- not wanting her kids to return to Hogwarts, and not trusting Dumbledore to protect them. Not exactly in character.

There was also no funeral, which...kinda seems...wrong.

I think the most disappointing part of the entire movie was when the children watching it didn't suddenly start crying as one when Dumbledore died. I was really hoping for that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the movie was everything I expected.

Edit: It seems I forgot to mention the weirdness that was the kid that played young Tom Riddle. Instead of a bright, confident, manipulative boy, they've got this cold, blunted, obviously sociopathic kid. It doesn't really fit.

Like, why was that one Decepticon able to pass as human? And why, exactly, does the little cube shard -- like the regular cube -- instantly make little Decepticons? Are we working on fucked up Gremlins rules here? And by that, I mean The New Batch and not the less-goofy/more-evil first movie. Do these things eventually grow up and become un-evil? I kinda always wondered about that when watching Gremlins, too, but...it was less annoying [until the sequel].

And what the fuck was the deal with the icecream truck made out of two things that suddenly was able to become two different, newer cars?

Also: who the fuck was Emperor Palpatine? I know, that sounds like a very stupid question, but, seriously, that guy that Megatron magically teleported back to...wherever to talk to...who the fuck was he, besides the Emperor?

And, on that subject, how the fuck did Megatron get there so quickly? And, if they can teleport [and it seems that they can], why don't they just do that all the time? Is it just something the Decepticons can do? Is that why the Autobots are always being air-lifted in? And why the hell does Prime need a parachute?

And why the fuck is Jetfire a crotchety old english guy with a cane?

...please, don't make a sequel just to answer these questions. That would be bad.

We also watched Friday the 13th...six? I'm not entirely sure. One of those where the big scary monster comes back from the dead and kills a bunch of 80s stereotypes, so it could've been anything, really. The reason I mention it is that it was actually slightly more...believable and less silly than The Net.

Maybe I'm just seeing it too late. I don't actually think that's the case, but I'm willing to grant that it's possible. Maybe I know a little too much, and I'm a little too e-jaded to buy all the shit they piled into it.

Probably not, though....

Also, wow.

And, goddamnit, why did that guy have to go and die on us? Selfish bastard.

I don't usually recommend going to see something, but I'm making an exception. Go. See. And, for fucks sake, leave your kids at home. Not only is this a little too grown-up for most of them, it's just fucking tacky. Leave it with a sitter, because nobody wants to hear it screaming for mommy when the big, bad, scary things happen.

And nobody wants to hear it get bored and start making a racket with the pennies, or candy, or whatever it can use to make said racket.

Other than that...actually, I guess I do have a couple of things to add.

1. The Movie Tavern is going downhill rather quickly. They've cut all the good stuff from their menu, added some crappy things, replaced their ranch with a nasty tasting parody of ranch, and failed to employ someone smart enough to figure out that people sitting down in the restaurant part of the place while waiting for a movie might want service.

Also, they apparently have this policy where, if you buy a drink out front, they have to sniff it before you go in to the movie. Which is really kinda disgusting.

2. I'm pretty good at suspending disbelief when it comes to movies, but I had a hard time dealing with certain aspects of this.

3. I was also fairly annoyed by the fact that there were no subtitles for the foreign language parts of the movie. And I'm sure that Gremlin was annoyed by my repeatedly asking him to translate the Russian bits.

4. Movie popcorn has not yet fallen victim to the horrible plague of nasty-tastingness that's slowly taking over every snacky-food on the market.

Seriously, where's the ending? That's not how the book ended. What'd you do with my fucking ending?