I didn't manage to go outside and take half a billion pictures of the snow yesterday, and not entirely because I didn't want to. I kinda did, even though the storm turned out to be more 'average' than 'blizzard'. Instead, I stayed inside and played RE5.

This is a real first for me. I've never actually played any of the other REs -- unless you count Umbrella Chronicles, which I've played often, and even on my own -- so it took some getting used to. By the end, I still hadn't figured out all the buttons.

Gremlin insists that I'm still better than the computer-controlled version of the character, but I doubt it. The computer controlled character didn't inadvertently set herself on fire during that oh-so-Legend of Zelda mirror tilting bit with the amazing primitive lasers.

Yesterday kinda went like this: Gremlin woke up, came out here, and, instead of going directly to his office, sat down with me, handed me my Xbox controller, and declared that I was going to play co-op with him, since he stopped playing yesterday as soon as he'd gotten enough points to make one of his guns all infinite.

As a plan, it's not all that complex. And, being a plan, it did not go at all accordingly.

It turns out that you can't, in fact, cheat that way.

I spent most of the game running into walls, getting grabbed by not-zombies, and generally hoarding ammunition while Gremlin destroyed things with his infinite-ammo automatic magnum. That is, when I wasn't confusing buttons and accidentally accessing my inventory, or making my character yell 'come on', or turning off my map when I didn't mean to. Or accidentally aiming when I meant to push the button that shows me where the other player is.

...but I did figure out how to reload my gun without letting it get to zero. I think it's Left-trigger and A.

It's a very short game. Surprisingly short. And I don't think that had a lot to do with the fact that we were playing on the easiest mode. Too short, really. Because I really, really didn't want to find myself facing Wesker. I'd already seen that fight, and it didn't look like anything I wanted to take part in.

Guess where I found myself? Yeah. Facing Wesker. With the fucking rocket launcher. Which, it turns out, I can reload all by myself.

We got through with a fairly minor number of deaths, all things considered. And I was able to upgrade the basic gun to infinite ammo. Now I just need to get enough points together to upgrade one of the automatics, and maybe the magnum. Then it'll be fun. My accuracy will go to hell [as if it isn't already there] but it'll be fun.

I'm kinda glad they did it this way, even though it's not really Survival Horror so much as 'oh shit oh shit checkpoint where's the fucking checkpoint'. It's a lot of fun. I guess that's what matters, right?

I'm not kidding. It's all in this article.

If your kids play interactive video games, like the Nintendo Wii, be on the lookout. The Mid-Missouri Internet Crimes Task Force is warning of predators using games like, "Animal Crossing- City Folk," to target kids.

Really? How come the only link between Animal Crossing and pedophiles I can find on the internet is people talking about this article? Must be those devious pedophiles again.

Of course, I didn't really look very hard.

Using the game you create a character and create your own town and house. When hooked up to the internet you can talk to anyone across the country. Kids playing the game have no control over what other players might be saying. For example, the character we ran across could be the man in California police are warning about.

I don't believe you.

No. Really. I don't believe you. I don't believe that you actually got a Wii, and a copy of this game, and sat down to play it.

If you had, you'd know that you don't so much 'create' your own town as 'name it' and answer a few questions which affect the somewhat random layout. You don't go in and say 'Museum goes here, store goes here, and my house goes here.'

And you don't create your own house. You pick one of four houses already built. You can furnish your own house, but that's something entirely else.

But that's just me being picky. Not so picky? And the reason I don't believe you? The fact that I doubt you found anyone willing to trade friend codes with you. You probably don't even know what a fucking 'friend code' is. You probably think Agent S, Frobert, Pekoe, and Static are all actually people who just happen to be online and playing every time you turn the machine on. They're not. And Kid Cat is not the man they identified in California.

"There is no reason an adult should have this game," says Andy Anderson, Mid-Missouri Internet Crimes Task Force.

Anderson says adults playing "animal crossing" and similar games are likely doing it for the wrong reasons.

'Fun' is the wrong reason. Of course.

You probably have told your kids never to talk to strangers, but when playing, the heart of the game is building relationships with the animals in your town as well as other players. To really reach the next level, the game urges you to exchange letters, gifts, and favors.

The 'heart' of the game is actually completing your catalogue. Technically. And you're not actually expected to exchange letters with 'strangers' -- you really can't, because of the friend code system. You're supposed to build relationships with the townsfolk. That's what the favours are all about. You get in good with them, send them letters and presents [and maybe get some foreign fruit back from them], do things for them -- find them a fish they ask for, or give them a piece of furniture that falls into the category they express an interest in. Eventually, they'll give you a picture of themselves. Or, they did, in Animal Crossing: Wild World. I haven't really been playing City Folk as much as I should.

Anderson says it is going to take parents paying attention to keep this problem from exploding.

Something's exploded. And it's because people were paying attention....

"The equipment is real expensive and we cannot afford to buy all of the systems and do not have the resources either to examine all of the possibilities," Anderson explains.

...and this is why you're so painfully wrong. Please do not speak about things when you haven't researched them even a little bit.

Right now, we only know of the three Missouri children who have been contacted. Anderson says this is not something to be paranoid about, but to be aware.

This warning includes any web-based game that allows instant messaging or voice-over IP.

And, again, I don't believe this. I don't think the kids were playing Animal Crossing. I think this might be as much bullshit as the 'Scary Pedophiles on your DS' thing. I think this is more about getting attention than warning parents.

Why? Because, out of the three current systems, the Wii is the most parental-control friendly. Now, I could be dead fucking wrong, since I don't, in fact, own a PS3, but, compared to the Xbox 360's online system [which, again, I have little understanding of], the Wii is locked down pretty tight.

In order to invite someone over to your town [or go over to their town], you both have to have exchanged friend codes. And, in Animal Crossing on the Wii, there's a voice chat option, which uses the Wii Speak -- a room-wide microphone that, I assume, plays the voice of the other person over the speakers of your entertainment system. Which makes it kinda obvious if your kiddies are talking to adults -- unless you're a completely fucking oblivious parent.

...and even an oblivious parent would be able to figure out the Wii Messageboard, where the times spent playing games is posted in a fairly obvious way.

And, speaking of oblivious, have we just not noticed the rating? E. For everyone. Not 'ec', for 'early childhood'. We're not talking about The Koala Brothers: Outback Adventure, or Bob the Builder Can-Do Zoo, or even Freddi Fish ABCs Under the Sea here. Or is Viva Pinata off-limits to adults, too? And the Katamari series? And the Lego Star Wars/Indy/Batman type games? When Lego Harry Potter comes out, are we going to have to create a new rating? K-Tw, Kids to Tweens Only?

Is this some sort of ploy to create a Berlin Wall of Games Ratings? Kids on one side, People Who Qualify to Play M Rated Games on the other?

Okay, that came out all wrong. I'm not calling this a conspiracy or anything, but I gotta wonder if maybe that's what some non-gaming adults are thinking. "Well, videogames are for kids. But we've got these M rated ones that obviously aren't. So maybe we need to make a distinction, and keep adults from playing the ones for kids. Because videogames are for kids."

Here's some news for you: You're wrong. Videogames are not 'just for kids'. They haven't been in a very long time -- pretty much since I was a kid. Perhaps you'd know this, if you bothered to spend more time with your own kids. My mom made time to play games with me -- I'm sure you can do the same. I recommend Lego Star Wars, because you'll at least be playing co-op when your kid pwns you.

Oh, and, in case you need me to spell it out for you? Playing Animal Crossing is not a sign of undesirable, undiscovered proclivities if you happen to be over the age of majority. Not even if you're male.

Now that I've got that out of the way....

I played Left4Dead with Gremlin yesterday -- it's got a 2-player co-op mode, and I love those. And, hey, I enjoyed this one, too, even though it's an FPS, and I hate FPSs with a passion that makes the sun look like one of those cheap hand-cranked LED flashlights. I don't know if it was the 'yay, let's kill zombies!' or the fact that it wasn't all that important [or difficult] to stay alive, or the, uh, piles and piles of pills [okay, not really] I took before even looking at the screen to prevent the godawful headache and nausea that usually accompany just glancing at an FPS, but it was fun. I might even do it again.

...I still loathe the controls, though. You know what I mean. Those fucking first person shooter 'walk with one button, look-with-the-eyes-permanently-affixed-to-your-gun with the other, and god help you if you get them mixed up' shit with zero perhipheral vision. Because, y'know, we humans, we've got this fucked up perspective on reality that involves an awkwardly placed gun sprouting out of the middle of our field of vision where our nose would usually be, and we can't see anything -- ANYTHING -- unless it's straight ahead.

It's a short game -- I still wonder if it was really worth the price -- but I guess I wouldn't hate trying to play it a few more times, to see if maybe I can get the hang of this FPS thing.

It's...disturbing.

Not much disturbs me, and anyone who knows me should know that. This game...does, a little.

It's rated E for 'Everyone', with notes about 'Alcohol Reference, Comic Mischief,' and 'Mild Fantasy Violence.' No mention of 'More Gayness Than A Gay Pride Parade' or...anything else that happens in the game. I guess the ESRB doesn't concern itself with such things.

I'm not sure if the story from the instruction manual will help, but here it is:

The King of All Cosmos and his family were vacationing on one of their favorite planets.

The King was enjoying a delightful game of tennis with his beloved Queen and Prince.

The King's tennis skills were truly first-rate.

But alas! The King's swing was too strong, and the ball was sent flying into the sky!

The ball flew on and on, and opened up a hole in the sky.

The King and his family gazed up in worry at the dark hole that had popped open...

The Hole began to suck up all sorts of things, for this was that dreadful astrophysical anomalyl; a Black Hole!

The Black Hole hungrily ate up bigger and bigger things.

Growing even bigger, it started to suck up nearby stars as well.

Finally, the very planet istelf was sucked up by the Black Hole!

The King had had enough! He stood up to face the Black Hole.

The King summoned his almighty powers, and in a spectacular fashion, stopped the Black Hole in its tracks.

Harmony has returned to the Great Cosmos, but no one knows when the Black Hole will strike again...

Now, I haven't played much tennis in my life, but I was under the impression that 'tennis skills' included the ability to keep the ball within the white lines....

This game isn't about tennis, though. It's about the end of the universe.

I'm not kidding.

It starts out innocently enough. You're a little green guy with a funny head, and you roll around this ball that has magical sticky-powers...sorta like gravity, but different. Like gravity if gravity were made of strange, size-conditional glue. As the ball gets bigger, you can pick up bigger stuff, and you can access different areas.

There are annoyances. Little mice, at first, that knock you around. Then people. Eventually, you're large enough to pick up both. And then you start picking up whales. And weird nessie-things. And weird T. rex things. And weird stego-things. And weird Godzilla-movie things. Giant squid. Really giant squid. Super-incredible-fucking-giant octopodes. Creepy owls floating around in the street and cows tied to balloons. King Kong. Weather Systems.

...and then the camera's pulled back so far that you're just rolling around on the planet, picking up Paraguay, Belize, former members of the Soviet Union, and Antarctica.

You see where this is going, right?

The ball of stuff gets so big, you're rolling it around in space, picking up planets, stars, and, for some reason, constellations. But I guess that makes sense, since you were picking up the aurora back on Earth.

The game is...frustrating. Enjoyable, though. It's just that there's this part of me that can't look at this giant ball of stuff rolling around on a planet not much larger than it and not think 'y'know, if the ball of stuff were really that big, it'd be turning the planet inside out right now.'

Based on what I assume the goal of the game is -- building a Katamari so big you can plug the black hole with it -- the game seems to be about the 'Big Crunch'. Seriously. You're gathering all the matter in the universe together and cramming it into a black hole...which seems counterproductive, since all you're really doing is feeding this thing that you wanted to stop in the first place. But it's Japanese. Which explains everything, I guess. Only Japan could made an entertaining game that goes from 'clean up this place with a sticky ball' to 'holy shit, ecological disaster' to 'whee, end of the known universe!'

Only Japan could do all that, and make the game in Mexico.

Thanks, Japan.

Edit: I'm going to ruin the nice ending to this post to mention that I'm not sure which little detail I like more -- the Sphinx running away from you when you roll through Egypt, or the screams of all the people when you roll up buildings....