Welcome to book two. For a change of pace, we get to experience this from the point of view of Jacob.

Life sucks, and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

—Breaking Dawn Book Two Prologue

I’m not getting my hopes up that this is a departure from the standard theme.

Jacob seems annoyed at being trapped in these books. A packmate recently imprinted on his sister, and life sucks. He wonders if shooting himself in the head would do much.

He wonders when he’ll find out that Bella’s been turned, and how. I’m wondering if the only difference between Jacob’s voice and Bella’s voice is the lack of irritating florid prose about Edward.

We get to meet Quil’s…mate? Three years old. This is really very disturbing.

She had a princess themed birthday party. Quil had to wear a crown. And makeup, eventually. Because he’s imprinted on a fucking toddler.

Wrap your head around that. A…teen in an adult’s body [because, you see, they mature quickly with their first change]…and a three year old girl.

No time to dwell on that, though, because it’s time to assemble the pack for a little gossip. Charlie called someone on the reservation; Bella’s back, but she’s sick. Does this mean it’s time to go in and take out the Cullens? Yay. Let’s debate.

The pack isn’t going after them. Jacob, however, is. Against the pack’s ruling.

At the house, Jacob begins to feel bad about the idea of killing Carlisle.

Jacob gets descriptive about Edward’s obvious suffering, and then gets descriptive about Bella.

Change a couple of words, and it could be Bella talking about Edward.

Bella, by the way, is hugely pregnant.

Edward wants to talk to Jacob outside. Bella demands that they behave. Jacob has some more doubts, because he doesn’t want to kill girls – even vampire girls.

Edward has a minor breakdown at Jacob. Jacob demands to know why they haven’t aborted.

‘She won’t let us.’

‘That’s so Bella.’

‘You can offer her what she wants!’

‘lol wut’

‘I just want to keep her alive. You can do her. She can have a litter of puppies instead. Make her see the logic behind me pimping her out to you.’

Jacob considers this, comparing her to a weekend movie rental, and considers just killing Edward instead.

Edward promises that, when Bella dies, he’ll beg Jacob to kill him. On this, they have a deal.

New chapter. The titles in Jacob’s ‘book’ are more fanciful than the chapter titles in any of Bellas’. This one is ‘Why didn’t I just walk away? Oh right, because I’m an idiot.’

That chapter title speaks to me in ways you might understand….

They’ve gone back inside, and Edward’s informing everyone that Jacob wishes to speak to Bella alone. Rosalie refuses; Edward promises that he and Carlisle will be where she can see them, and, since they’re the two Bella’s afraid of, no harm will come to her beastfoetus.

Bella objects to this; she’s not afraid of Edward. Edward attempts a backtrack. Jacob is sickened by her behaviour, and thinks she’d have been better served by living back when she would’ve been fed to lions. I find this a very agreeable mental image.

Jacob and Bella chat a bit. Jacob compares her to a drug – what an exciting new metaphor! We’ve never seen that one before, not in this series.

Bella promises that she’ll keep her heart beating, because she’s strong enough for that, and that everything will be better for Jacob once he imprints on some other girl.

She refers to the monsterfoetus as a ‘he’, prompting Jacob to bitterly quip about how he should’ve brought blue balloons, and we learn about how very mystical the baby is – they can’t see it on an ultrasound, because ‘the membrane is like their skin’.

But she’s sure it’s a boy, because of her nightmares.

Jacob tells her to get rid of it and start over; Bella thinks he means artificial insemination. She figures it out in the end, is surprised that Jacob didn’t tell on Edward to get him into trouble, and decides that she doesn’t deserve either of them.

He leaves after Bella says ‘I love you,’ and becomes a wolf again. Sam orders him back with the power of the ‘Alpha voice.’

The pack sees what he’s seen in his head. Their response is, literally, ‘!!!!’

After a long stream of thoughts – signified by italics and choppy sentences – Sam decides it’s time to attack. See, the treaty doesn’t cover this, and that’s a good excuse. Except, earlier, Sam didn’t want to, when they thought the treaty had been broken.

Leah agrees, saying that Bella is dying anyway, and that it’ll be quicker if they kill her first. Jacob attacks her. Sam orders him to stop.

Jacob is powerless against the ‘Alpha voice’.

Seth also doesn’t want to fight; they’re his friends, after all. Sam renders him powerless, too.

Jacob remembers that the role of Alpha had been his birthright, and embraces it. He breaks free, becoming a packless Alpha.

Sam tries to assert control; Jacob reminds him that he wasn’t born to follow Sam, and that it was supposed to be the other way around.

Sam tells Jacob that Jacob can’t defeat him, and that, if he [Jacob] orders them to follow – an incomplete thought, interrupted by Jacob saying that he’ll never take anyone’s will away in that way.

Sam asks if Jacob belongs to a coven now. Jacob responds. Apparently, the ‘alpha’ in his voice has some sort of impact, due to his birthright. And possibly his size, because he’s bigger than Sam.

Jacob runs away, and the pack throws a wolfy tantrum in the form of a lot of howling.

Suddenly, he’s being chased by enthusiastic thoughts. It’s Seth.

Jacob tells him to go home.

Seth asks if that’s an order.

They discover that they can’t hear the other wolves – only eachother.

Jacob has a tantrum of his own. He doesn’t actually want to be the alpha of a pack; he wants to be a lone wolf. Ha ha.

They argue about the significance of the change, and decide that they have better things to do. They have to warn the Cullens. So they run, Seth falling into place in ‘the traditional spot of the second’.

Seth explains that he wasn’t after a promotion; Jacob tells him to run wherever he wants.

They discuss what to do if the other pack shows up, and plan on running patrols. Jacob tells Seth to stop being so optimistic about the reduced numbers of the pack, and their possible unwillingness to attack their own brothers. Jacob tells Seth to shut up.

…then, they wonder if they should be thinking ‘We come in peace’ at Edward.

More thought-conversing ensues.

The wolves run patrol while the Cullens hook Bella up to an IV and try to feed her that way.

The next day, Leah [Seth’s older sister] joins their pack.

Howling, of course, is the warning signal they arranged to warn the Cullens that the pack is coming to attack. This is the second time that Seth’s done it – the first being a response to hearing about Edward’s plan to pimp Bella out to Jacob for babymaking. Seth gladly leaves to let the Cullens know that it’s just his sister.

More thought conversing. I need a word for this…how ’bout thoughtversation?

Leah claims she’s here because she wants to protect Seth. Jacob figures out that she’s here to get away from Sam. She still loved him; he wanted her to disappear. She finds the idea of protecting vampires far more tolerable than having to put up with that.

Jacob goes to inform the Cullens about what’s going on, with his newly larger pack, and with the plans of the other pack. He does so in human form, giving Carlisle some page-time.

Carlisle explains that Bella is already like a daughter to him. He talks about how vampire venom can work miracles, but it can’t do anything if the human’s heart isn’t beating. Also, about how the monsterfoetus won’t let her eat. Bella’s body is rejecting all forms of nutrition.

Jacob thinks it wants blood and death. I begin to suspect that the monsterfoetus is some sort of meta-embodiment of we who loathe this series, struggling to be birthed into this horrible reality so it can end everything in one violent, toddlery spazfest.

Then, it’s time to get medical. Carlisle wishes he knew more about the monsterfoetus. Ultrasounds don’t penetrate the amniotic sac, and it’s doubtful a needle would, either. Not that it matters; Rosalie won’t let Bella consent to an attempted amniocentesis. Carlisle just wants to know a little more, like how many pairs of chromosomes it has.

Humans have 23 pairs; Vampires have…25.

The book crashes into a wall of biological impossibility, exploding like a Pinto and killing everyone involved.

Oh, goddamnit. Werewolves have 24 pairs. I guess everyone did survive.

Carlisle is sorry about poking around in Jacob’s blood. He says he can’t help it; he’s extremely curious.

Edward’s been listening in, because he’s like that. He thinks Jacob might be right. The monsterfoetus might want blood, after all.

Hey, why not. We’ve got all that O neg stockpiled for Bella. Let’s give her a sip and find out.

Rosalie’s all for it. She’s being driven by vicarious maternal instinct, though.

Bella asks who’s going to catch a bear for her, when they tell her their idea. No, no, let’s not cut corners. She agrees anyway, calling it her first vampire act.

Shouldn’t that be vampiric act? Act of vampirism?

Jacob watches Bella and Edward interact, and begins to understand why Leah tried to make everyone else suffer. He feels he’s in the same position as her. A few paragraphs are spent overstretching that premise.

We get to see the starts of an antagonistic relationship between Jacob and Rosalie while Rosalie’s off getting a cup of blood for Bella. Bella’s mildly disturbed by the fact that the cup of blood smells nummy.

Of course it does. It’s the blood of your fans. You’ve been sucking it for several books now – the only thing that’s changed is that you’re doing it in the book. In actual words depicting actions.

Jacob wonders how anyone can stand to live with Edward hearing their thoughts all the time. He finds it annoying. I find it strangely hypocritical, because of the wolf thing.

Bella wants more blood. And some eggs. But mostly more blood. Jacob wants to sleep.

There’s howling. Jacob runs off, shifting, forgetting to remove his pants, destroying the only clothes he has left. Four members of the other pack are there to have a chat, but it can’t be done as wolves. One of them is coming as a human.

Jacob’s pack bickers about rank a bit; Jacob says, again, that he doesn’t care where anyone stands. Personally, I’d rather they stand somewhere far away. Preferably in silence.

The members of the other pack are here to deliver a message. Sam wants them to come back. Having the family torn apart is wrong. Sam’s calmed down. The elders agree to wait until Bella’s ‘separated’ from the problem.

Jacob’s pack has a thoughtversation while the message is delivered. They decide that Sam’s betting that Bella’s death will make Jacob angry enough to lead the attack himself.

Jacob sends Leah off to run a patrol, and shifts back to human. The other human, Jared, asks him to let Seth and Leah go home.

Jacob mentions that he’s been telling them to leave him alone ever since they joined him. He also explains that this isn’t just about Bella; he sees many of the Cullens as people worth protecting, too.

Jared switches tactics, trying to guilt Seth into coming home. His mother is brokenhearted and begging, he says. Their father only just died [in New Moon], and now her kids are gone. Jacob exposes this as an obvious manipulation tactic, possibly suggested by Seth and Leah’s mother.

Leah returns from patrol. Jared tries convincing her to rejoin them by telling her that she knows she doesn’t want to be here, doing what she’s doing now, because she has no ties to ‘the bloodsuckers’. Also, Sam wants his Lee-lee home, where she belongs.

Leah doesn’t take this well.

They discuss what’ll happen after. Jacob says that, after Bella’s given birth and the Cullens are gone, Seth and Leah are free to return home; he’ll be leaving for good. Until then, the other pack needs to remain in its own territory. Howl if you need to talk, but stay on your own side. Oh, and, why did Sam send Colin? Is Embry okay? Tell my dad I love him.

Jared agrees to pass along the instructions, and leaves. Quil remains behind to express his wolfy disappointment.

Time for another thoughtversation. Jacob shifts back, and asks if what he said was okay.

Leah suggests that Jacob should’ve hit Jared.

They discuss why Embry wasn’t allowed to come. The other pack suspects that Embry would defect, too. Embry isn’t imprinted on anyone in La Push. Quil would leave, but he has the ever-important imprinting ties that keep him there.

Jacob tells Seth to run the patrols for a bit; he and Leah both need to sleep. They discuss whether or not someone should go inform the Cullens, leading to a peek at the blood-drinking thing in Jacob’s thoughts.

Leah’s disgusted; Seth thinks it’s fine. It’s helping Bella, after all.

‘Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby,’ Leah explains. ‘And he used to gnaw on the crib, too.’

Jacob asks if the crib was painted with a lead-based paint, and runs off to update the Cullens. He finds a pile of clothes waiting for him outside, and Bella looking better inside. Rosalie asks him where the flood is [ha ha, your pants, they are too short!], and we have to deal with the first of a string of blonde jokes.

Jacob goes off to take a nap, but Edward wants to talk to him first. Esme is concerned about their homeless status. The word ‘bereft’ is used. Esme wants to offer food and clothing – they have plenty, since Alice won’t let them wear the same thing twice.

Jacob’s leaving is interrupted by the monsterfoetus breaking one of Bella’s ribs. He sits down next to the open door [vampires and werewolves stink to eachother, as we’re constantly reminded]. Alice comes down and offers him a pillow.

We hear all about how the monsterfoetus is giving Alice a headache. Alice can’t see it, and it’s interfering with her ability to see Bella’s future. And this is hurting her. With Jacob around, everything disappears. So, she’s going to sit next to Jacob for a while.

He wakes up to find a cold glass of clear liquid waiting for him – it’s bleach, though. Rosalie left it as a prank.

Also, Seth is there. And there’s food. Seth tells Jacob he should try some, but Jacob would rather hunt.

Speaking of hunting, Carlisle is worried about the rest of his family, and the treaty. Where can they hunt now? Suggestions are made. Jacob tells Seth when he’ll want him back, and that he should take a nap. Esme urges Jacob to take some food, and ease her guilt.

Time passes, and we’re in for more thoughtversation. Why don’t the Cullens just leave? Take Bella and get far away, where Sam can’t follow?

Because they need the medical equipment, and there’s no time to set up in another place.

Pointlessness follows. The monsterfoetus breaks another rib. Jacob shows up to keep Bella warm. Rosalie bends a mixing bowl into a dog bowl to offer Jacob food. They discuss Bella’s due date, which might be in four days.

They discuss why Bella wants Jacob here. She says it makes her feel complete. Jacob suggests that she enjoys his pain. She counteroffers that it’s her fault; they were supposed to be together, but she did something wrong. Then, she falls asleep.

Jacob discusses the stupidity of letting her talk to Charlie with Edward. Edward explains that she thinks she can come up with an excuse for everything, and that Charlie will jump to all manner of wrong conclusions, but accept that she’s still his Bella.

They discuss the monsterfoetus, and how their research suggests that it’ll use its teeth to get out.

Rosalie cuts in to write off the bits of the stories where the mothers don’t survive, saying that mothers often died when giving birth in the middle of disease-infested swamps.

Edward moves to attack Rosalie; Jacob makes an offer to do it, instead. He throws the dog bowl at her head.

Rosalie’s response? “You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”

Jacob finds this funny. More blonde jokes.

Bella wakes up. The monsterfoetus is stretching; she says it reminds her of Jacob. They both grow so fast.

Carlisle wonders if there could be similarities. If maybe the monsterfoetus has 24 chromosomal pairs like the wolves.

You thought things were stupid before? It only gets worse.

Nevermind, though. Time for more thoughtversating! Jacob and Leah are bonding while checking on a safe place for the Cullens to hunt.

Leah’s happy being in Jacob’s pack. She wants to stay with him until she can quit being a wolf for good. Jacob helps her with feeding by showing her how to let the wolf take over.

Leah has a chat with Jacob about how she gets Rosalie’s perspective. Becoming a wolf has apparently rendered her sterile.

Jacob doesn’t want to hear any of this, so he goes off to spend time with Bella. More blonde jokes. Some threats and posturing.

Edward discovers that he can hear the monsterfoetus thinking. It likes the sound of their voices.

They discuss baby names. EJ and Renesmee. Because, see, Renee and Esme.

Edward hears it thinking that it loves them. Jacob feels betrayed, and considers killing everyone. Happy thoughts, but Edward tosses him the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish and tells him to get away for a bit.

Jacob considers totalling it anyway.

He drives off to the nearest city to look at girls, hoping to imprint on someone and end this shit.

Failure, of course. After wandering around a park for a bit, he returns to sit in the car. A girl approaches him, referring to him as ‘the guy with the stolen car’.

She offers to help him find the person he’s looking for. Then she goes on about the car. Jacob tries to force the imprinting thing, but fails again.

He decides to return the car in one piece, passing guards from the other pack on his way back. Edward is waiting for him, to tell him that he needs to control Leah.

Leah had shown up while he was gone, to lay into Bella about the pain she’d been inflicting on Jacob by asking him to stay.

Also, the monsterfoetus is incredibly advanced. It can communicate with them. It’s trying not to move so much, because it doesn’t want to hurt its pwecious mommy.

Go on, MonsterFoetus. It’s okay. Give mummy a kick in the spleen for me. I bet you’re awfully cramped, and stiff from not moving. Just stretch that leg out. Right into the spleen. The soft, lovely, comfortable spleen. Wiggle your foot a bit. Doesn’t that feel nice?

No, no, you’re not hurting anyone. You’re helping. It feels good to help, doesn’t it? If you want to stretch out your other foot, you can probably mash her liver into oatmeal while you’re at it. That’d make us so happy. You want us to be happy, don’t you? Don’t you?

They discuss the possibility of delivering the monsterfoetus as soon as Carlisle returns the next day, and Edward asks permission to deviate from the treaty to save her as I reach page 40 of this overly-long review.

Jacob steps outside to think about it with Edward. Seth arrives; Jacob tells him to tell Leah that she shouldn’t be so harsh to Bella.

Edward tells Jacob how lucky he is to share the thoughts of someone so pure and kind.

They join Bella inside, and Jacob relents, giving Edward permission to turn her. Bella drops her cup of blood, reaches to get it, and time’s up. The placenta detaches, and she starts vomiting blood. I suspect this will not make it into the movie.

The next chapter is called ‘there are no words for this.’ It’s probably true. I feel like I’m running out of words for this, and wishing that Stephenie had run out of words five pages into the first book.

Blood. Everywhere, apparently. And violence. And morphine, a drug that should come with this book. Rosalie cuts into Bella’s abdomen. More blood, and Rosalie goes from helpful to wanting to feed. Jacob attacks her, and she doesn’t put up a fight.

The monsterfoetus breaks Bella’s spine.

Jacob performs CPR while Edward gets to work on a back-alley Caesarean, biting through the amniotic sac. It’s a girl; we’re stuck with the name Renesmee for the rest of the fucking book.

Bella wants to see her, to hold her. Renesmee bites her.

She dies. Thank fucking god.

But, no. More CPR. The baby’s handed off to Rosalie [Jacob suggests that it be thrown out a window]. Edward produces a syringe of his venom. How the fuck did that happen? Is it like milking a snake? Did he spend months biting onto a cup with a bit of rubber stretched over it, milking himself?

Still more CPR. And repeated bitings. And now, vampire saliva apparently has healing ability, too.

Edward labours to keep her heart beating. Jacob feels pulled downstairs. Away, he thinks. Then, maybe, to the thing named Renesmee. He wants to kill it.

Strike that. He imprints on it. On a newborn.

Y’know what? I don’t have enough words for this. Not after the earlier thing with the toddler. I’m glad this is the end of the second book, because I seriously have nothing more to say. Sorry. No words; just this: