I’ve done so much in the past three days….

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More than I’ve done in quite a while, actually. And it was all rather surprising, in that I actually managed to do it.


Sara and Sean officially moved here on the first, and I’d already volunteered us and our crappy little carts to help them move in. Downside: they had to clear out room in a car just to come get us. But, it worked out okay.

They came and got us, and it was off to ‘Where the hell does this stuff come from’. We hit a Target, and then a WalMart. For basic essentials. Like this mythical ‘Bed in a box’ that apparently came from KMart.

There was a problem, of course. The problem was that the only KMart anywhere near here was not in an area you wanted to be at night on the weekend.

So, there was no bed. And there also wasn’t all that much helping with the moving in that night. And I started to panic and get nauseous, so we even had to call off finding food.

Except there was still a quest for food. Mostly, a quest for an open GoodTimes along the route home. That quest failed.

The night ended with talk of them finding a cheap hotel room, which eventually turned into, ‘Well, we do have a sofa…as long as it’s only for one night.’

And they crashed here.


Gremlin stayed up all night, while everyone else was in various stages of comatose. I woke up, and held off on going down to my computer as long as I could…a very admirable hour, actually. Which, of course, led to everyone waking up, and talk of hitting Sonic for breakfast…which we did.

Then, talk of KMart, and helping move in. Gremlin was exhausted, though, which meant I had a choice to make.

A scary choice.

I could obey the threats my anxiety was sending me in the form of intestinal cramps and nausea, or I could keep my promise and help…without Gremlin.

I took that scary step. I went with them. To KMart. And I got to see this mystical ‘bed in a box’. I even got video of it, which I am currently too tired to find on my phone.

We got the other car unloaded. I lined the books up along the wall, to get them out of the way. And we went exploring.

I took pictures, and posted them to Facebook.

I bought the cheapest, shittiest, self-serving-est ‘welcome to Colorado, this is for your new home’ gift imaginable — an extinguishing ash-tray cup from the dollar store. Which I plan to decorate at some point, because I’m insane.

I also bought an emergency car charger at Tuesday Morning, because my phone was down to 30%, and I didn’t have any way to charge it.

Later, after the other car was completely unloaded [it seemed pointless to leave anything behind while there was downtime], we got Gremlin again, and headed out for dinner. Five Guys Burgers and Fries — pretty damn good, actually.

Then, because I had an appointment on Monday, it was time to go home and get to sleep. But I didn’t have to get up at six, because Sean was okay with taking me to my appointment.


Oh, holy fuck. Today. Today was a day.

I had Mental Health this morning, and Mental Health scares me, because I still don’t know my doctor very well, and I feel like she has all this power over me, and I have none. Not having to ride the bus alleviated the anxiety a little bit — that, and the lorazepam I took. Only .25mg, because I want to be very careful with it.

I had my appointment. We talked. I told her I understood why people on antidepressants were at risk of suicide when they start improving, because the energy is there, but it just feeds the self-loathing. And I have a whole fleet of cargo ships full of self-loathing.

She told me that the dose I was on wasn’t really meant to improve things, but only to introduce me slowly to the medication. This left me wondering if there was absolutely nothing wrong with me at all, or if I was so bad that even the tiniest dose for three months could make an upwards adjustment.

She adjusted my meds up to a whole pill every night, sent me down to the mental health pharmacist, and I spent my time waiting at a bagel place instead of in the hallway outside the Pharmacy Check In and Pick Up area.

Then it was back over to the apartment, where I planned to help some more. Because, goddamnit, I owed help for that ride.

That’s when I found out there was flat pack furniture. But first, they needed to go off and get some internet to get a few things taken care of. And then Gremlin wanted to go home and go to bed.

I survived there yesterday on my own — I could survive today. Besides, there was flat pack furniture. I fucking love flat pack.

A coffee table and a corner desk. And I assembled both of them, although there was that moment when I opened the desk and saw the flimsy cardboard where I stopped, stood up, and said, “We need a hammer. Flimsy cardboard means tiny nails, and I’m not using anything you have here for that.”

WalMart. Hammer. Back. Desk together. Victory!

There was some talk about taking me home so I wouldn’t have to meet Sara’s brother, but NO I AM GOING TO HELP YOU CANNOT MAKE ME NOT HELP I AM GOING TO HELP. I WILL HELP BRING IN EVERYTHING.

And I did. Right after a trip to Beau Jo’s. Because Sara’s brother was hungry after driving here from Iowa.

And I had a spectacular, unexpected moment there.

I got up to find the bathroom, and instead found arcade games. Sara’s brother collects those things, so I came back and said, “They have arcade games.” One of them was Galaga. And he decided to play it.

I was practically giddy at that moment. I went back to the table, pointed, and said, “That man’s playing Galaga.”

I was so pleased with myself.

Then, I thought I’d found the bathroom, but a shitty little kid got there first and glared at me…but it’s okay, because that was a shitty unisex bathroom, and the actual bathrooms were on the other side, near the games.

I ate — actually ate — and then we returned to the waiting carload of stuff. It went fast with three people and two hand carts. I think it only took three trips. At the very end, we had laundry baskets full of stuff on the carts, and two big military duffel bags. Big, heavy military duffel bags. And I just said, ‘fuck it, won’t be the first time I’ve done this’, and put one of those on my back, and pushed a cart.

And dropped it as soon as I got inside, before anyone could scream about the front-leaning-rest-position and start doing a count, because holy fuck flashbacks.

I decided to sprawl on the floor, flat on my back, because every last fucking muscle was screaming at me for the indignity of use.

“I think your friend is dead.”

“Yeah. Yeah I am.”

“Your dead friend can talk.”

“Yeah. We zombies do that now.”

As far as I was concerned, time had stopped. I was just going to be right there for the rest of eternity.

Or, until I heard Sara calling me and asking if I liked fuzzy socks.

So, I hauled myself back to the far closet, where she was unpacking the breakables that were cleverly wrapped in lovely, fluffy socks, many of which appeared to be brand new.

I was rewarded with socks. After I’d been rewarded with pizza.

Then, home again. Where I am now. It was an eventful day. I even made my first check-in on Facebook.

I just took my new bigger dose of the antidepressant, and I can feel it starting to work. I am going to welcome the sleep.

And I’m going to hurt when I wake up. I can feel it starting now.

BUT…it’s been a good couple of days. And I look forward to putting together even more furniture.

Not as much as I’m looking forward to sleep right now, but almost.

Because it kinda feels good to do these things.

I’m not saying I’m cured, but…there certainly is better living through pharmacology.

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4 thoughts on “I’ve done so much in the past three days….

  1. Sometimes I’m envious of your severe issues. You have a (totally valid) excuse not to do just about anything while also being able to live better through pharmacology. I just feel like a pussy whenever I feel unable to do something or when I contemplate medicinal assistance.

    • Actually getting back to the point where I admitted that I needed the pharma help, and the doctor-help, took a while. And I still feel like I’m wasting their time.

  2. Wow, that’s really a lot of stuff for you. I’m so happy you made it through without an anxiety meltdown. And even had some fun. Hey, what did you think of BeauJo’s?

    • I’d been there before. The unusual combination of honey with things you wouldn’t think to put honey on makes for extreme tastiness.

      There was a slight one on the first night, but I’ve kinda embraced the concept of knowing when I can’t push through on my own.

      I’m hoping that the things I can push through get a little more spaced out, so I don’t end up relying on the scary, scary benzos.

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