That Scientology Survey.

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I am reproducing the survey’s questions here, since the actual survey is now gone. That should help a bit for anyone else interested in seeing what the questions were, and ‘responding’ to them [in a slightly less-than-official capacity].

Thank you very much for your willingness to participate in this survey. Please answer the questions below.

No, thank you for spamming me, and giving me a good reason to cite largely from your [ahem] ‘original source’ for criticism which may be characterized by some as ‘fair and reasonable’.

1) What are you trying to achieve in life?

I’m so glad you asked.

I’m interested in the same things as everyone else. Y’know, a relatively normal — if unnaturally long and cat-filled — life spent mostly deep inside a cave, perhaps on an island in the middle of a lake, talking to my precious about ending Scientology, and singing about fish. I also hope to string together the longest run-on sentence ever, and I want it to be full of unoriginality.

Should I just make a list instead? Yeah, that’s probably what you want. Okay. What am I trying to achieve in life….

  • I would like to get people to stop taking things so seriously.
  • I would like to be better at making fun of things.
  • I would like for creativity to be an easier process for me.
  • I would like to be able to inflict the pain I feel when I have a migraine on others.
  • I would like to be better at talking about myself, so profiles and shit like this would be easier.
  • I would like to end the abuse of various jokes, especially jokes ripped directly out of Monty Python skits, SNL, and other media. It would be my one humanitarian act.
  • I hope to one day have an entire wall that’s a screen, and not in the projector sense. I think maybe if someone could invent a paint, and some sort of stick-on interface, it could work. It would be especially neat if you could define the sizes of those screens, and have multiple screens on one wall through this method….
  • I would like to live long enough to see people become aware enough to stop falling for certain scams [like Amway, 419s, and Scientology].
  • I would like to live long enough to see people become aware enough to stop being such unbelievable hypocrites [like those who protest Scientology, but get offended when you point out that their own religion has sects with some of the same qualities].
  • I hope to post this.
  • I would like to go a month or so without forgetting little things, like SpamDay and PedoDay.
  • I would like to come up with more things that I’m trying to achieve, but I obviously ran out a bit before I started answering the question.

2) What concerns do you have in life that you would like to remedy?

Concerns? I suppose my lack of concerns should be a concern that I should remedy. I feel another list coming on….

  • I’d like to be able to order Coke from Amazon.com, and have it fall under my Amazon Prime benefits.
  • I’m a bit concerned about this election year. I don’t really fancy another round of kidergarten-level sandkickery in the form of campaign ads.
  • I’m concerned that there aren’t enough things open when I’m usually awake. I would like to see more 24/7 services — especially governmental services.
  • I’m concerned that I’ll run out of steam again, and I won’t be able to finish this.
  • I’m concerned about people who complain about gas prices, but glare at me from the seat of their gigantic SUV as I walk by with my backpack. Actually, wait, no, I just find them funny. Nevermind.
  • I might be concerned that people are taking me a little too seriously, but…no.
  • I’m concerned that I have concerns that can’t really be remedied.

3) What makes you feel that way (referring to the question above)?

Malignant, terminal apathy.

Wait, here:

  • I feel that way because…I guess I got confused, and put the wrong thing in the wrong list. Is wanting to get Coke shipped to me with free two day shipping something I hope to achieve in life or a concern that I’d like to remedy? I don’t know….
  • Every election I’ve ever noticed has been full of childish bullshit. I’m sure this one will be no different. Also, I’m not fond of some of the candidates and their stances on videogames. So, I’m concerned.
  • I just don’t like going out during the day. In the winter, sometimes it’s too bright, even though it’s a lot colder at night. In the summer, it’s just too damned hot during the day. I don’t like that. I was a heat casualty once, and it’s just not fun.
    And there are others with better reasons for not going out during the day out there. People who are actually allergic to sunlight. I bet they’d like to get their shopping and governmental crap done at night. And those people who work the night shift? They’re people, too, and it’s not really fair for them to have to disrupt their sleep schedule just to get some stupid, required shit done.
  • I lost interest yesterday. Also, I’m newly concerned that I might skip something here and they might not match up. Not that it matters, since I’m [stupidly] using an unordered list instead of an ordered list.
  • I find them funny because they’re idiots, sitting there in their overly-large vehicles — sometimes on their way to the store so they can sit there with the car running while someone else runs in to pick up the item they needed — glaring at me for whatever reason. I can only assume it’s because I have the audacity to be walking around while they’re too busy to leave the comfort of their climate-controlled vehicles. It’s not my fault, whatever the hell you’re so pissed about. Leave me out of it.
  • People take me seriously. But I’m not concerned about that so much anymore. There’s obviously no point.
  • Actually, I’m not even sure that my concerns are concerns in the sense of the original question. I’d have to see how Scientology defines ‘concerns’….

4) If these things were resolved, what would happen?

Nothing. Well, nothing much. I think the parcel delivery man would be quite upset with me, and eventually in need of some form of pain management therapy from all the coke he’d be delivering, but everything else? Meh.

5) What worries people the most?

I’m not sure. What others think, if I had to venture a guess. Also: death, money, and the future…which is sorta like death and money combined. I’m betting mostly on ‘what others think’, though.

6) What country do you live in?

The United States of America, home of deep fried Snickers, the US Code, a crapload of litigious motherfuckers, and The Constitution. Now with 0 Trans Fat.

7) Profession/Occupation: [pulldown menu includes: Administrative, Arts/Entertainment, Blue Collar, Business Owner/Manager, Education, Government, Health, Housewife, Professional, Retired,
Sales/Marketing, Student, Technology, Unemployed, Other]

Occupation? Occupied. Manager in charge of Procrastination. Professional Hobbyist. Whatever business I may or may not have or be involved in is none of Scientology’s.

8) Your gender:

Female, though some question that. You may, as well. That’s not really my problem.

9) Your age: [pulldown menu includes; Under 18, 18-24, 25-34, 35-44, 45-54, 55 and over, Decline to state]

Well, I suspect that I’m definitely between Under 18 and Decline to state, which puts me at ‘not of the proper age to be legally solicited by Scientology’.

10) Marital status: [pulldown menu includes: Single, Married, Divorced, Widowed, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Engaged, Decline to State

Single? Mmm, no. Married? No. Divorced? I think you have to have been married for that. Widowed? I think I’d have to have been married for that, too. Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Why yes, I am both! Wait, what? Engaged? I’m not sure that’s legal for a both boyfriend/girlfriend. Decline to state? Maybe I should go with that.

11) Your ethnic background: [pulldown menu includes: Caucasian (White), Black, Native American, Hispanic, Asian, Indian, Other]

What, no ‘thetan’? Maybe that’s other….

I’m going to have to go with ‘human’, which would also be ‘other’.

Unless we’re counting with the ‘one drop rule’, in which case we’re all ‘Black’….

12) Annual household income (before taxes): [pulldown menu includes: $25,000 or less, $26,000 – $50,000, $51,000 – $75,000, $76,000 to $100,000, $101,000 to $150,000, $151,000 to $200,000, $201,000 to $300,000, $301,000 or more, Decline to state]

Wow. Most detailed pulldown on the list. I wonder why….

I wonder which would get them to leave me alone, the ‘or less’ option, or ‘Decline to state’?

Nice inclusion of the ‘before taxes’ bit, too. “How much can we bleed you for by telling you that it’s all tax deductible. And how much of a return can we expect you to get, so we can harp on you when you get it, and get you to put it in your little Bridge fund?”

13) What is your highest level of education? [pulldown menu includes: Less than High School, High School Graduate, Some College/University, College/University Graduate, Technical School]

I don’t see an option for ‘a little bit too educated to fall for this shit.’ Wait, that might even be ‘Less than High School.’ I’ve got more than that….

14) Have you done any services in Dianetics or Scientology? [yes or no]

[x] Why would I? I mean, seriously, why the hell would I ever pay for or even show an interest in seriously taking one of your silly ‘services’? And, services? Please.

15) If yes, which one(s)?

Sorry, I spent my Potential Bridge Fund Monies on lead-coated tasty disease snacks from China. Much better investment, and way better for my health.

© 2003-2008Church of Scientology International. All Rights Reserved. For Trademark Information Privacy Policy

The things in blockquotes were copied directly from the survey I was spammed with, and including the original copyright notice from the bottom of the page should be enough to indicate that those things copied from there are, indeed, “© 2003-2008Church of Scientology International” . I think I can reasonably refer to the email as ‘spam’ because it was unsolicited, and commercial [assumed due to the ‘Scientology’ aspect, which leads me to believe that I’m about to be offered various courses and materials in exchange for money] in nature. My responses are, obviously, my responses, and not Scientology’s property.

You do not have my permission to sue me.

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