New Moon

Yes. I’m back to drag you through another one of these – and it only gets worse from here.

The last one was like being dragged along a gravel road against your will; this time, it’s a beach. With used needles and broken glass.

I wasn’t running for my life; I was racing to save something infinitely more precious. My own life meant little to me today

….

So it didn’t matter to me that we were surrounded by our extraordinarily dangerous enemies.
As the clock began to toll out the hour, vibrating under the soles of my sluggish feet, I knew
I was too late–and I was glad something bloodthirsty waited in the wings. For in failing at
this, I forfeited any desire to live.

New Moon Prologue

Here we go again. Same overall style – desperate attempt at a hook in the prologue, hinting at the climax, and so on.

Bella’s fretting about getting older; she doesn’t want to get any older, because she doesn’t want to be older than Edward. Shocking. Scandalous. We know she’s fretting because, after the book starts out with a dream about her seeing herself in a mirror as looking like her grandma, next to a non-reflexion-having Edward, she spends pages and pages bitching about it. To everyone. No parties, no presents; just whining.

But, her dad gets her a [film using!] camera; her mom, a…scrapbook with metal clips for photos. And the Cullens are throwing her a party.

Their reason? They haven’t had a reason to throw a birthday party since the 30s, when, I guess, they were celebrating Emmett’s turning. You’d think, since they probably remember the day they were turned, they could continue to celebrate that if they really wanted to have a birthday party…but, no. Apparently not. And she can’t get out of it [subjecting us to a drawn out series of Romeo and Juliet related excuses, which then plays out in a discussion about how Edward planned to kill himself if she’d died in the last book] because it’d make Alice sad.

I guess it’s because they don’t get a thrill out of buying things for each other, since they obviously have so much money. Because Alice can see the future. Sometimes. Unless someone changes their mind. But it works anyway, so they can predict the stock market, or something.

Not that it works to prevent what happens at the birthday party. I suppose Alice can’t see accidents – as if she’d need to. Edward, who seems to think Bella can’t stay alive on her own for sixty seconds at a stretch without someone to rescue her, didn’t even see the obvious plot device coming.

There she is, getting presents – including an expensive new car stereo for her antique truck that one of them installed in under a minute so she couldn’t refuse it [I’m sure there were no compatibility issues at all] – when she gets a paper cut unwrapping whatever Edward got her. Obviously. Who didn’t see that coming? According to everything we’ve been told so far, this chick could inadvertently give herself a concussion with a barely filled water balloon, or a cube of Jello.

And, since her blood is, apparently, the vampire equivalent of the finest of liquors [or really good heroin, if such a thing exists], Jasper [another of the Cullens] attacks her. In his attempts to rescue her, Edward does even more damage, because this bitch can’t fall without re-enacting that scene I mentioned from Fantastic 4.

Carlisle, apparently due to his age and years of being a doctor, was the only one able to stay around her, and patch her up…and I’m suddenly wondering how many times this guy’s been through med school, since he was born in the 1600s….

But, hey, we’re cleanin’ and stitchin’ wounds here. That’s a great time for a little discussion about origins, and whether or not vampires have souls, isn’t it? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s wedge in a little bit about why Edward won’t turn her like she wants. He loves her too much to…I don’t know, damn her? Take away her soul? Something.
Whatever.

Naturally, Edward responds to the incident with the maturity one accumulates after being alive since 1918 [yes, he was a victim of H1N1] – with nearly a hundred years of pent up teen angst. He throws a little tantrum, gets bitchy, and gets all snippy at her when she finally wants to open the rest of her presents [two tickets to Florida to see her mother, and a CD of Edward playing the piano – I’m sure it was all stuff he wrote, naturally, since he’s so amazingly perfect, gifted, talented and wonderful!] after she gets home.

He’s moved on to distant sulkiness by the next day, naturally, and refuses to spend the night with her. Apparently, he’s continued the tradition of sneaking into her house at night – except, now, instead of her not knowing it, he spends the night in bed with her, sneaking out before her dad wakes up.

There’s more crap about the camera that uses this strange ‘film’ stuff, and getting double prints so she can send some off to her mother, and starting her little scrapbook, which mostly just seems to exist to set things up, and kill time until Edward gets out of ‘sulk’ mode.

…and into avoidance. He’s leaving. The entire family’s leaving, but, mostly, he’s leaving. Because Bella’s not good for him. So, he’s going to leave, and it’ll be as if he’s never existed. The only thing he’s going to leave her with is a demand that she not do anything reckless or stupid.

She instantly gets lost in the woods.

Unfortunately, one of the people from the reservation finds her. Yet another great chance to kill her off and end the damned series missed….

If anyone needs a moment to cry about that, go ahead. I’ll be here when you get back. I also recommend getting yourself a case or two of something very strong to drink, or raiding a pharmacy for the good painkillers. We’re going to be here a while; you’ll need it.

Bring me some while you’re at it.

Bella discovers that, when Edward said ‘it’ll be like I never existed’, he meant it – he’d taken the pictures she had of him, and the CD [and hid them under her floorboards, but she doesn’t know that]. She slips into a deep depression; fortunately, the author seems to slip into the same depression, and just writes out the names of a few consecutive months instead of dragging her readers through the disgusting, sad mire [Meyer, hah!] of darkness and gothy woe.

Unfortunately, we do have to suffer through her slow crawl back from gothdom, in which she makes plans with Everyone’s Favourite Stereotypical Highschool Bitch to see some zombie movie in another town, and finds herself in the same area where Edward rescued her from some random men in the previous book.

…and discovers that she’s either hallucinating, or that Edward’s got a very faulty system that allows him to wiretap her brain, and talk directly to her when she’s about to do something stupid. I still have no idea which – either option seems equally likely.

So, she decides to be reckless, and break promises. Pathetic teenage rebellion, yay! And what’s more reckless than hanging out with boys on the reservation [La Push, since I never bothered to name it before], and getting one of them to help her fix up some old motorcycles she just happened to find sitting down by the curb to be picked up with the trash.

Meet Jacob, the boy from the reservation from the first book. The one who told her the stories about the vampires [and the wolf men; guess I forgot to mention that], and warned her at the prom. He’s also the son of the guy who sold her dad the old truck that’s now hers – and now no longer has a shiny new radio, because she ripped it out after Edward left. He builds cars, and happens to be just ever so tall [6’5”, which he apparently announces with ‘self-satisfaction’]. Like certain other boys on the reservation, who may or may not be members of a cult.

Bella starts spending a lot of time with Jacob, fixing up the bikes behind her dad’s back [he hates motorcycles]. Her dad never finds out, because Jacob’s dad can’t get to the garage, where they’ve oh-so-cleverly hidden them. See, he’s in a wheelchair; I suppose that’s important somehow.

…where was I before the phone rang?

Irrelevant details. Right. She starts hanging out with Jacob, hoping to be reckless so she can hear Edward’s voice in her head, and accidentally enjoying herself. And surprising a bunch of people at school by talking to them, after what must’ve been many blissful months of silence….

One of the girls at her table talks about a stomach flu, and a huge, unlikely bear. Two things which, unfortunately, become important to the story almost immediately. But not before Jacob gets the bikes working, and takes her out to try and teach she-who-trips-over-raindrops-and-autodefenestrates how to operate the desperate act of rebellion.

On the way to their clandestine training location, she witnesses The La Push Gang – the great, horrible cult that all the overly-tall boys on the reservation are joining out of nowhere – taking part in some recreational mid-January cliff diving.

Naturally, this gives Bella a lovely backup plan [okay, that’s not really how it goes, but it sounds better if I write it this way]. If learning how to ride a motorcycle doesn’t trigger the voice in her head, maybe cliff diving will. Because, really, who wouldn’t want the voice of the creepy stalker bastard butting into your thoughts every time you did something you were told not to do after said creepy stalker bailed on you and left an overwrought metaphorical hole in your stupid, stupid chest?

The motorcycle thing works, though. Once she finally gets it going, the voice distracts her so much that she, predictably, wrecks. The bike lands on top of her and drags her for a short distance, and we all feel her pain, and wish that we could’ve been dragged such a short distance.

No, we’re not so lucky. We’ve still got miles to go. Breaking Down Dawn is actually three books in one!

After a few more accidents, Jacob suggests that they try to keep Bella out of the hospital for a little while. This, obviously, is a great time to try to find the clearing from the first book. The one where the sparkling happened.

I think it’s time to subject you to another quote:

I was like a lost moon–my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation–that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

New Moon, Chapter 9: Third Wheel

It seems to fit nicely with what happens next. Bella goes to see another movie with what was supposed to be a group of people, but ended up just being her, Jacob, and the ever-helpful, fawning Mike [someone else I only just bothered naming for you].

Based on the descriptions, the movie they went to see is the Twilightverse equivalent of a badly written Kill Bill knockoff, except…moreso. Because everything about this sucks. And Mike gets sick. Hey, look! All that talk about the stomach flu earlier was almost like foreshadowing!

How clever.

While Mike’s off re-greeting last month’s school lunch, Jacob assumes the role of Mr. States The Obvious In A Vague, Roundabout Way, informing Bella that he’s going to be very persistent about sticking around and trying to get her to like him the way he likes her. More than friends, and all that. But, hey, here’s Mike again. Mike, meet Mr. Empty Popcorn Bucket, your newest, bestest friend. Please don’t vomit all over the back seat of the incredibly awesome VW Rabbit I restored all by myself, because that would be tragic and sad.

Yeah. Really. Also, Bella notices that Jacob is overly warm. “I’m fine. Oh, by the way, you can totally count on me. I won’t let you down.”

Here’s a treat! Several more pages about the stomach flu! Thank god. Y’know what? I’ve got a theory about this thing – it’s not actually a pathogen, but a sort of meta-reaction of the unspeakable suck.

Surprise. Jacob lets her down. Even worse: he’s joined that awful cult!

She goes off to find that clearing alone. Not that she manages to remain alone – one of the other vampires from the first book shows up. A ‘coven’ member of the now dead ‘tracker’ [James].

Time for more head voices! Because Laurent’s been eating people, even though he went off to hang out with the other ‘vegetarian’ group. Yes. Really. ‘Vegetarian’. Because they eat wildlife instead of people. And Laurent’s hunting.

But, first, he has to Bond Villain for a bit, telling Bella all about how Victoria [the third member of that group from the first book] is all vengeful and looking to kill her. Because James is dead, and she’s decided on a ‘mate for a mate’ mode of payback.

Another chance to end the series missed. Because the giant fucking wolves show up, revealing the source of the giant bear rumours. Neither the vampire nor the stupidly overgrown wolves kill her.

More crying; more angst; Jacob isn’t talking to her now. She goes to confront him, but he can’t tell her anything except that it’s not what she thinks. Sam, the ‘cult’ leader, really isn’t that bad. Or to blame. Because it’s all the fault of the Cullens.

They break up, but not really, because there wasn’t anything there. Bella tries to stop it by promising that she’ll try to make there be something there. But, no.

Until Jacob shows up outside her bedroom window that night. And by ‘outside her window’, I mean ‘at the top of a tree that’s bent under his weight and is scraping the side of the house’. But, hey, vampires and giant wolves, right? How could things get any sillier?

He’s sorry. Oh so sorry. He still can’t tell her anything, but he can drop lots and lots of hints so she can find her way to figuring it out for herself.

Yeah. She remembers the stories he told her about his ancestors, who were supposedly wolves who turned into men, who made treaties with the ‘cold ones’.

We have werewolves. Except…not really. These can change at will. Or when they get really emotionally unstable. Oh, and there’ve been all sorts of deaths out in the woods, so Bella’s dad and a bunch of other people are off to hunt the wolves.

Bella rushes off to La Push to have a little talk with Jacob – to ask him if he’s tried not being a werewolf, and, by the way, why are you eating people? Jacob wants to know why she hates werewolves.

The voice in Bella’s head pops in to give her some helpful information about keeping Jacob calm, making me suspect it really is long-distance brain-tapping.

Bella’s sorry; Jacob’s sorry. Also, they killed that vampire. And the disappearing people are Victoria’s fault – but, hey, the wolves are keeping an eye on Charlie [Bella’s dad], so it’ll be okay.

More fun, random facts get thrown our way. The wolves are telepathic. They can hear everything that’s in the other wolves’ heads. Also, if the pack leader gives an order [like, say, “Don’t tell others about us.”] it’s impossible to go against that order.

Dropping hints is okay, I guess. And being seen by random people.

Jacob calls a meeting. Somehow. I suppose they were all in wolf form at the time, and the pack leader was willing to respond to a meeting summons from a lesser member. Bella goes with him, which starts a fight. She’s a ‘leech lover’, after all, and one of the pack members doesn’t like that Jacob protects her, or even talks to her.

Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.

New Moon Chapter 14: Family.

Yes!

…wait, no. He didn’t really explode, after all. He just turned into a wolf.

Dark silver fur blew out from the boy, coalescing into a shape more than five-times his size–a
massive, crouched shape, ready to spring.

….

With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too. He burst out of his skin–shreds of
black and white cloth blasted up into the air. It happened so quickly that if I’d blinked, I’d
have missed the entire transformation. One second it was Jacob diving into the air, and then
it was the gigantic, russet brown wolf–so enormous that I couldn’t make sense of its mass
somehow fitting inside Jacob–charging the crouched silver beast.

New Moon Chapter 14: Family

Yeah. You’re not the only one having an issue with this impossibility.

I’m not sure if this was written to test the limits of the reader’s credulity, or to illustrate the point that werewolves are more dangerous to have as boyfriends than your average unstable alcoholic. Or a vampire.

Apparently, it’s the latter, because, during some good natured betting [hey, it’s a reservation] on who will come out injured, and whether Bella will vomit [she seems to do that a lot in this book; I’m seeing a very unpleasant trend], the ‘werewolves are unsafe to be around’ statement is trotted out, along with ‘hey, when we get you back to our pack leader’s house, don’t stare at his girlfriend, because he totally messed her up one day. But it’s okay; he promises he’ll never do it again, and they’re totally in love with each other.’

What does this story need now? A group of oversized teen boys sitting around a table, discussing things. Because they exist to kill vampires, and Victoria is after Bella.

One of them is pleased, because they now have bait.

You can stop rejoicing; Jacob objects to this idea. It’s decided that Bella should spend all her free time in La Push, so she’s safe, giving us lots of time for random discussions about even more unlikely aspects of werewolf physiology.

For example: werewolves ‘run hotter’ than normal humans. 108 to 109. And they never, ever get cold. Not even when standing in shorts in a blizzard.

Now, I know it’s completely inappropriate of me to rely on anecdata, but, at this point, I actually had to rewind and see if I’d heard that correctly, because it goes against everything I’ve ever experienced. Maybe I’m just neglecting to factor ‘supernatural bullshit’ into this, but…I kinda live with someone who is unpleasantly, almost intolerably warm. He’s not anywhere near happy until the air around him is equal to or exceeding his internal temperature. In my experience, this fictional character, convenient walking heater or not, would be constantly shivering just to maintain some level of warmth.

Back to the story, because it’s time to stop dragging this out, and get back to the crap that leads to the prologue! Cliff diving. Jacob promised to take her, but he’s out going after Victoria with the pack. And Bella’s bored, and wants to hear Edward’s voice again. So, bring on the suicide attempt that will later be denied.

Jacob saves her from drowning. Insufferable bastard. That’s, what, three missed opportunities now?

Alice, of course, saw it. Her deciding to jump, but not getting saved – because she can’t see werewolves. The message gets passed on to Edward by Rosalie, because, apparently, her only real trait is bitch.

Can’t say I blame her.

Another conveniently timed event: one of Charlie’s friends on the reservation dies. Lucky, lucky bastard.

Not that any of this gets more than a mention in the book, because, after all, it’s from Bella’s point of view. All first person. Annoying. Instead, the slow, torturous drag across that beach I mentioned continues with a premise-stretching internal monologue about Romeo and Juliet, and what if there’d been more to Paris? What if he’d been Juliet’s best friend? And what if Romeo had gone, and never come back?

Well, then, it’d be an entirely different pile of angsty teen crap foisted on disinterested highschool students. Or, since this is probably the point being oh-so-subtly hammered home with excessive force, it’d be New fucking Moon. Except without the Juliet ending up with Paris, and instead surviving and ending up with Romeo and living sappily ever after. And without the arguably superior writing ability of Shakespeare.

Jacob takes Bella home; Jacob is upset to find a vampire waiting for them, and to find that Bella is unafraid. There’s a car out front, after all, and what other vampire drives a luxury car? It must be one of the Cullens.

It’s Alice, who’s very, very confused to find Bella alive. She also hasn’t fed in a few days, but…four now? Racking them up, aren’t we….

Bella and Alice sit down to discuss the story so far, managing to do it in fewer pages than I have. Terribly sorry about that; I’m awfully proud of myself for making it to [at this point] eleven pages. This is literally the longest non-school-related thing I’ve ever written.

Alice runs off to feed after informing Bella that she smells bad; the next morning, Bella, feigning sleep in the living room, overhears Alice talking to Charlie about those gloriously glossed-over goth times

Good things can’t last, can they? Of course not. Charlie apparently ended her near-catatonic state by having her mom [Rene] come up to take her ‘home’ to Florida. Your average toddler-teen tantrum ensued.

More expositional chattery. Bella and Alice discuss what the Cullens are doing now, and talk about what new information Alice has managed to dig up about herself, since she had no memory of herself as a human. There was something about that in the previous book; James talking about how he’d been after her, but she’d been turned before he could get to her.

Jacob shows up to ask whether or not the rest of the Cullens plan to return. Bella wonders why she can’t be friends with both werewolves and vampires at the same time.

While she’s occupied with her threeway-slashfic-inspiring musings, the phone rings. Jacob answers, and informs the caller that ‘He’s at the funeral.’

Yeah. It was Edward calling. And now we have Bella, Jacob, and Alice, all in the same room. Still, nobody’s going to die.

Alice calls home, discovers that Rosalie told Edward that Bella had killed herself [why, exactly, didn’t Alice see Rosalie deciding to do that?] – so, now, Edward’s heading off to Italy.

Where the Volturi – who apparently keep all the vampires in the world in line with a bunch of rules about not exposing the secret of their existence – live. To ask them to kill him, or to force them to kill him by making a scene, thereby exposing their secret, and…well, you get the picture.

Guess where we’re going now! Yes, that’s right. But it’s a long trip, with lots of time to fill in the backstory on the Volturi.

We get to hear all about Aro, Caius, and Marcus, two unnamed females, and the guard. About how their love of power is probably what keeps them together, and about their special abilities. The guard, apparently, are selected for their special abilities, and it’s a great honour to serve. Oh, and how Volterra is the safest city in the world when it comes to vampire attacks, because they’ve held it for three thousand years.

Then comes the decision: No, that’d be wasteful. Join us instead. Also, Edward’s decision. He’s going to walk out into the sun, and sparkle at people. At noon. In the main plaza. Under the clock tower. Yay. We’ve almost looped entirely back to the prologue!

Alice steals a bright yellow Porsche after they land. Because, when you’re stealing fast cars, you obviously want to steal the one everyone’s going to notice.

While they’re zipping along at unrealistic speeds, they chat some more. This time, it’s about the apparent irony of the date. There’s some sort of celebration going on, because it’s supposedly the day that St. Marcus [the same Marcus, yes] drove all the vampires out of the town.

This being a special day, it takes a while to get to the gates, and only tour buses are allowed into the town. Alice bribes the guard with [supposedly] a thick wad of $1000 bills and a story about a private tour. Because, you see, they’re desperately, disgustingly wealthy.

Now, everything relies on Bella’s ability to go three seconds without inadvertently nuking herself. And by ‘nuking’, I mean ‘Oh dear, I seem to have fallen into the microwave while attempting to make popcorn; somehow, I also managed to set the timer and push start!’

Somehow, she makes it, throwing herself into Edward’s arms at the very last possible second. Edward thinks he’s been killed, and is now in hell.

Yes, Edward. We’re all in hell. Thanks for noticing. We’re in hell, because the book doesn’t end here. We have to have another meeting. The Volturi want to speak with us.

There’s a long, drawn out trip under the city to reach their location, where we get to hear all about how Aro can hear every thought your mind has ever had – but only with physical contact. Marcus has the ability to see relationships, whatever that means.

Then, of course, there’s the fun game of ‘does it work on Bella’. Because Edward can’t read Bella’s thoughts. Neither can Aro. And now there’s musing as to whether or not Jane’s ability works on her – whoever Jane is. A member of the guard, I guess. A member because she can cause intense pain with a look.

I don’t consider that a very special talent. If someone wanted to cause intense pain in someone, you wouldn’t really have to look at them – just make them read this shit.

See? I’m doing it right now, and you’re not even reading the books.

Jane can’t hurt her; we’re all very sad.

They’re allowed to leave, but only after showing Aro that Bella will be turned. Otherwise, they’d have to kill her for knowing their secrets – and the Cullens for allowing her to know.

They leave, but not before seeing a tour group being led up. For dinner. One stolen car later, and they’re on a plane home, where the rest of the Cullens are waiting to have their weepy-without-tears reunion. Also, Rosalie wants to say she’s sorry.

Now she’s home. Charlie’s mad – especially at Edward. He bans Edward from the house, but that doesn’t stop him. We get a whole chapter of Bella and Edward talking about their love for each other, and how Edward was off distracting himself by being a very crappy tracker. He was in South America hunting for Victoria while Victoria was trying to get past the werewolves and into Forks.

They sneak out of Bella’s house – because Bella wants to put her mortality to a vote – and, on the way, Bella has a very stupid epiphany. She was hearing Edward’s voice because Edward loved her.

Everyone except Edward and Rosalie votes yes. Rosalie qualifies her vote by saying that she’d love to have Bella as a sister, but she wouldn’t have chosen this life, and she wishes that someone had been there to vote no for her.

Bella wants to do it now. Edward wants to wait until Bella’s graduated and moved out of Charlie’s house.

Also, Bella wants Edward to turn her. It’s time for a little game of ‘Let’s Make A Deal’. Edward wants five years; Bella refuses. Three years? No. Bella offers six months, then a year. Because nineteen is her limit. The time limit dickering isn’t working, so Edward decides that his condition will be marriage.

They’re back at Bella’s house, and the argument over marriage wakes up Charlie. He threatens to send Bella to Florida; Bella presents a counter-offer of ‘grounding and basically doing everything she’s already been doing [laundry, cooking, cleaning]’ or moving out.

Bella’s grounded. Bella’s fretting about Jacob. And Jacob’s outing Bella to Charlie by dropping off Bella’s motorcycle. Jacob wants Bella grounded, except Bella’s already grounded.

The book ends with a trite line about Bella going inside to meet her fate, with her destiny at her side.

I’m sincerely dreading the next two. I [obviously] lost my focus toward the end of this one, and had to force out the last little bit. It really does only get worse from here.

I’m very sorry. Really, I am.

Okay, maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m enjoying the thought of inflicting this on an unsuspecting public.

One thought on “New Moon

  1. He builds cars, and happens to be just ever so tall [6’5″, which he apparently announces with ‘self-satisfaction’].

    Based on this alone, I’m citing Python. John Cleese, who’s my height, went on for what seemed like several hours in one of their Completely Different skits with: ‘I’m six foot five!’, in contrast to everyone he towered over on the show.

    Not to be confused with the reportedly funnier thing I did once when someone asked how tall I was: shifting my weight from one leg to the other, claiming, ‘Six four; six five; six four; six five….’

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