Sometimes, evolution sucks

For example, humans. ┬áSure, we’ve evolved brains and thumbs and used those things to make computers and other nifty toys.

…but then, one of them made this image.

This thing has appeared in my feed multiple times today. It makes me twitchy.

You’re probably wondering why. You probably think it’s funny, or neat, or worthy of a ‘like’ or a ‘share’. I’m going to tell you why.

It’s wrong.

I can explain. I probably can’t explain well, because I’m not exactly holding a degree here. I am, however, at a computer, and I can do some very basic research to augment my weird interests.

First, let’s identify the animals. I’m going to have to guess a little, because, well, I don’t think these animals are actually the right size compared to eachother, since it’s supposed to be some sort of reverse-play on the whole ‘evolution of man’ line-dance-thing.

My guesses, from left to right: ‘Velociraptor’, Archaeopteryx, some sort of ‘Terror Bird’, and a Kiwi.

Why Velociraptor? Because it’s an obvious choice. I could be wrong, though, because the head looks really weird and I honestly don’t know all the Dromaeosauridae by sight, let alone by name.

Why Archaeopteryx?

That’s why. It shows up off to the left right [sorry about that] when you google ‘Archaeopteryx’, along with a little bit of information. Apologies to the actual owner of the image. I’d have linked to the page Google gave me, but it actually took me somewhere dead.

Terror Bird? It’s a terror bird. I’m not sure which of the Phorusrhacids it is, because I don’t even know which one is the most popular.

Kiwi? Should be obvious.

Now that I’ve justified myself, however shoddily, I can get to my first problem. Velociraptor and Archaeopteryx.

The Velociraptor lived after the Archaeopteryx. And I’m not talking about ‘a few years after’ here, but serious spans of time. The difference between the Jurassic and the Cretaceous. Millions of years. More than ten. Evolution only works that way if Velos were time-travelling rapemonsters with magic sperm.

Actually, I guess we don’t know that they weren’t. Maybe there’s a great paleo-conspiracy hiding all the fossils of proto-TARDISes. This would explain a lot of UFO abduction stories….

Right. Archaeopteryx was already Aves before Velos evolved.

Terror birds, then. They are Aves, and they are actually newer than Archaeopteryx, so I guess they’re in the right spot. I don’t know much more about these guys, except that they were very large, and they’re very extinct. Mostly. They do have living relatives…well, a living relative. Possibly.

Guess what? It’s not a kiwi. It’s a Seriema. According to that article, they’re a little like Secretary Birds. I would not fuck with a Secretary Bird, so I think I’ll also avoid these guys.

The Kiwi….

I think it was just thrown in there as ‘the shittiest possible outcome’. Fair enough, although five seconds of research leads to a much better line. It seems to be related to the cassowary, which is also on my ‘do not fuck with’ list.

That’s about all I can really say about this, since I’m working on very little knowledge gained from a tiny bit of research — but that’s kinda what pisses me off. I figured out this much with four browser tabs, ten minutes, and a little source-following. I’ll admit right here that I could be wrong. I haven’t studied any of these in-depth, and I don’t have access to anything currently being researched. If this weren’t a rant, I could take the time to ask a few people whether or not the ancestry of any of these animals has been really mapped out.

Maybe I was right earlier when I joked about the time-shifting rapemonsters. I don’t know.

What I do know: this is not how evolution works. Velociraptors didn’t become kiwis. Tyrannosaurs didn’t become chickens. You are feeding the Bullshit Beast that produces the waste products upon which creationists feed.

Stop that.

Go on, say something....