Finally. Last one. It’ll all be over soon.

No longer just a nightmare, the line of black advanced on us through the icy mist stirred
up by their feet.

We’re going to die, I thought in panic. I was desperate for the precious one I guarded, but even to think of that was a lapse in attention I could not afford.

They ghosted closer, their dark robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They drifted apart, angling to come at us from all sides. We were outnumbered. It was over.

And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet nothing changed—the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.

—Breaking Dawn Book Three Prologue

We get to relive the birthing from the last book, but from Bella’s perspective. She’s bewildered by the pain. So are we; we’d like it to end. Death? Kthxbai.

Many, many pages about burning pain and trying to hold back the darkness. Not even Stephen King has spent this many pages describing something.

‘Let me die, let me die, let me die.’

Yes. Please. Let her die. Let this fucking series die already.

A whole chapter spent on describing the burning of transformation. But, now, we’re in for another truckfull of modifiers. She’s awake.

She’s a vampire. And she can see all manner of things to describe in the same old flowery way, with the same old words. Apparently, becoming a vampire doesn’t give you an exhaustive knowledge of the English language.

Not that I can even begin to understand how she sees things clearly, since she can now see ‘ultraviolet’.

Here are the same old words being used to describe all the new things she can smell and hear, and how clear everything remains even though her movements take less than a second.

She spazzes over Edward touching her, identifies herself as the danger everyone’s prepared for, then sees Edward for the first time with her shiny new ability to see an eight-coloured rainbow.

Yes. She describes his amazing new perfection; his voice, too. I get the feeling that the word ‘perfect’ is going to be used a lot.

She frets over her friends, her daughter, her father, and why she isn’t currently a mindless beast wanting nothing but blood. She’s ‘thirsty’, but she also wants to have ‘the sex’.

Of course she’s not a mindless beast. That would be too normal, too expected, too realistic. Mary Sues are never any of these things; they are always possessed of amazing, unlikely skills, like being a new vampire with the control of one that’s lived for at least a decade.

She throws herself at Edward, hurting him. Because, see, newborn vampires are stronger than old vampires.

Oh, hey, let’s dump another vampire ability on the table. It’s called ‘having lots of room in your head to think about many things at once’. Bella, honey, there’s always been room in your head. Your brain is an unfurnished apartment. No, it’s an unfinished apartment building. Just the barest hints of the wooden frame stacked off to the side, a big hole where the foundation will be someday. Why do you think Edward can’t read anything in there? There’s nothing to read.

Her voice has changed. It ‘rings and shimmers like a bell.’ Translation: it’s even more annoying now.

She forgets that they’re not the only two in the room; kissing ensues. When she’s reminded that they’re not alone, she notes that she’d been ‘curved around Edward’ in a way that ‘was not exactly polite for company.’

Rough translation: their bodies were within, say, three inches of touching.

Carlisle asks how she feels, prompting another ‘look how fast I do things now!’ moment. She spends a whole ‘sixty-fourth of a second’ considering this question.

Some more fretting – out loud this time – gets slopped on top of the overdescription of everything. Bella doesn’t want to tell anyone about how much it hurt while she was ‘changing’ – it only took two days, another Mary Sue Miracle. She wants to see her daughter, except she’s too ‘thirsty’. Such amazing self control!

Charlie’s been given a story about how Bella’s off being tested at the CDC; Bella wants to call him, but her voice is so different now….

Just when you think they’re finally off to hunt down some poor, unsuspecting mountain lion, Alice demands that Bella look in a mirror.

You know what’s coming. That’s right – Bella describing how amazingly beautiful she is now. And being scared by her own reflexion.

That last bit? I’m thinking it’s not exactly a new experience for her.

Jasper comments on her amazing emotional control. Because he can read emotions. And we need to be reminded of that. Edward still can’t read her thoughts, though.

“I guess my brain will never work right. At least I’m pretty.”

Yes, adoring tween masses, this is your role model. This is what you should aspire to. Prettiness, and a malfunctioning brain. It’s sure to land you a cold, abusive – but rich! – stalker.

They’re off to hunt, but only in a way that gives the readers a chance to be buried under all manner of details about how impressively skilled and overdressed she is. The words ‘tightly fitted ice-blue silk’ are used. Also, ‘stilettos’.

It doesn’t matter, of course. She jumps out of a second-storey window without snapping a heel. She has the stunning grace of a Mary Sue vampire, after all.

Time to jump across a river. First, though, we have to destroy the completely disposable dress by ripping it to allow for running. Vampirism, it seems, comes with an immediate conversion to ‘gold medal gymnast’, helping her jump twice as far as Edward, and use the tree branch for some fancy catch and dismount.

Hunting is nothing more than an excuse to describe more things, with a heavy dose of still talking too goddamn much about Edward’s perfect perfectness. We learn about her incredible new sense of direction, and how Elk blood is stinky, like river water…or something.

There are humans in the area. She goes off after them, but stops herself. Edward, ignorant of the common traits of your stock character serving as fantasy avatars for the author, can’t figure out how she did this.

She catches a scent, and races off to take down a mountain lion, giving us the opportunity to hear all about how the claws can’t hurt her, and how sharp and amazing her new teeth are.

Which kinda makes me wonder – does she have fangs? Do vampires in this bullshit universe have fangs at all? They’re never mentioned. It’s always just ‘sharp teeth’. Does this mean all their teeth are sharp? What the hell is going on here, anyway? It’s shocking that this author, so fond of punishing us by pointlessly repeating the same details, completely glossed over this one aspect of vampiric anatomy.

I wonder why. Maybe she got a set of those little fang caps, and didn’t like how she looked in them?

The dress, destroyed by the big cat, has gone from silk to satin. I know it’s possible to have satin made out of silk, but…wow, that’s just…clumsier than usual. And you’d think she would’ve spent a line or two talking about it earlier. Also, it’s destroyed, so she’s walking around mostly naked.

And, hey, it’s been a few pages, let’s describe Edward again. Edward’s hunting; Bella’s watching. Bella wants to see Renesmee now. She feels wrong, because Renesmee is no longer inside her.

Bella describes her love for Edward, and thinks that maybe this is her ‘amazing power’ that she got when she was turned. The ability to love Edward more than anybody’s ever loved anyone else.

Anyone else feeling a bit queasy?

We’ve got to introduce a new character, though. Renesmee’s warmer than average, with a faster heartbeat, and she sleeps. Vampires don’t sleep; their daughter already sleeps through the night. Insert forced joke here.

She’s intelligent, and can communicate in a way that’s ‘difficult to describe’ – I’m sure we’ll hear all about it, though. She drinks blood, and won’t touch baby formula.

Jacob’s waiting for them when they return, to protect Renesmee. Bella can’t figure out why he’d want to do this, or why she no longer needs him around the way she used to.

They banter about who smells worse. Everyone but Leah is entertained. Then, they argue about whether or not Bella is ready to meet Renesmee.

Guess what! That’s right. More description. Renesmee is ‘impossibly beautiful’ with ‘adult’ and ‘aware’ ‘chocolate brown eyes.’ And she smiles with perfect white teeth.

Pages are spent on the meeting and the approach, before she actually holds the thing that killed her. Then, we encounter the ‘hard to describe’ ability. Not so difficult now.

Her ability? She touches you, and shows you her memories.

See how easy that was? No need to spend a lot of time on it. That’s it. A few simple words, and it’s explained thoroughly. But, no, we have to experience the first time Renesmee saw Bella.

Remember the imprinting thing? Bella just did. She finally figures out why Jacob’s so protective of Renesmee.

Bella has a surprisingly rational reaction…and then gets a little selfish. See, she’s only held Renesmee once, but Jacob has some sort of claim on her. So not fair.

She wants Jacob to leave. I kinda want everyone to leave before they get back into details. No chance. Time to hear all about how this was why they were so attached before.

Yeah. It makes no sense. But Nessie likes him.

Yeah. Nessie. Because Renesmee is really long, and also stupid. Nessie is somehow less stupid.

This, apparently, is the last straw. The nickname. She goes for Jacob’s throat…and Seth intervenes. He gets a broken collarbone for his troubles.

Seth’s fine with that, though. No real harm done. She didn’t bite him; vampire venom is poisonous to werewolves.

…hey. That sounds like a plan. Bite them while they set you on fire. Happy, happy. The End.

Nessie isn’t venomous, though; she bites Jacob all the time, when she doesn’t get fed quickly enough.

Yes. I’ll be calling it Nessie from now on.

Recap time. The truce between the packs and the Cullens is stronger now, because killing the object of an imprinting is forbidden. Alphas can talk to each other in wolf form, but only if they want to.

Pages of memories, and worrying about Charlie, and it’s time to measure Nessie. See, she grows so quickly that Carlisle wants to study it.

Nessie’s annoyed, and wants to go to Bella to show her a memory of Bella attacking Jacob. It’s not just pictures, it seems, but also feelings. Bella gets a hint of possessiveness from Nessie regarding Jacob.

She also shares Rosalie brushing her hair, which seems like a strange, trite way of conveying the point that tactile sensations are also in these shared memories.

Nevermind. It’s another ‘here’s what you missed’ thing. She passes on the measurement routine with disinterest, and a memory of feeding, which causes everyone to overreact.

Jasper storms off in a huff because of Bella’s control.

Nessie’s back with Bella, telling her more stories about what she missed. They start getting blurry, and she falls asleep. Bella decides to try and see what would happen if she re-establishes contact – because Nessie’s gift only works when she touches…possibly the person’s face – and gets to see Nessie’s dreams.

Aw.

Oh, it’s Bella’s birthday. Her human birthday. Time for a little tantrum.

Her gift? A house. No, I’m sorry, a cottage. Blah blah, magic, blah, unicorns, blah, Snow White, blah, perfect. Closet the size of the cottage.

Words. And sex. But not words about sex. Words dancing around sex. Skirting the topic like some prude with an affinity for flowery words writing a Christian Bodice Ripper.

After a trip into the closet, we’re back to find Nessie mangling silverware. Made from actual silver. Because they’re so disgustingly wealthy.

Here comes an exciting new trend in jokes. Emmett, about Bella and Edward and sex. Except they’re…well, not. He asks if the cottage is still standing, and whether they were discussing the national debt, and about how Bella will ace everything at Dartmouth because she has nothing better to do at night.

Charlie’s on his way. Because Jacob told him about…stuff. Not vampires, just werewolves. Jacob ‘phased’ in front of him – which, apparently, was very entertaining, because it involved him stripping.

Charlie wanted to know if Bella could change into an animal, too. ‘She wishes she were that cool,’ was the response, though, maybe not in those words. It was probably ‘was’, not ‘were’. No, she just looks more like Esme than Renee now.

Charlie demands to be told as little as possible about the entire thing.

What did he say about Nessie? The words ‘Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson’ are used.

‘I’m like a grandfather?’ This, apparently, makes him happy, even though he was upset by the idea earlier in the book.

Throughout all this explaining, Bella was holding Nessie to keep from killing Jacob.

Alice has contact lenses for Bella, which Bella will have to replace regularly because the venom in her eyes will dissolve them.

THE. VENOM. IN. HER. EYES.

Got that? Venom. In her eyes.

Wrap your poor, beleaguered brain around that.

Fucking venom. In her fucking eyes.

I suddenly have a new perspective on life. Revenge of the Fallen is suddenly good. Brilliant, even. Robot gonads and all.

They give her tips on acting human – blinking, fidgeting, sitting, moving the shoulders to simulate breathing while not breathing in the tasty, tasty human smell.

Edward explains the situation to Nessie, telling her that she can’t show Charlie things the way she does everyone else. Also, tasty as he may smell, she can’t bite him.

Bella panics. Bella’s suddenly horny. Jasper tells her to focus.

Charlie’s mad, and hurt, and a bunch of other emotions Bella lists from reading his face. He isn’t sure it’s Bella. She looks different, and her voice is different. See, venom, it changes you. Gives you extra chromosomes and everything.

…and eye venom.

Charlie sees Nessie – and calls her that. Bella corrects him. Charlie wants to know if she’s sure about making him a grandfather at such a young age. Carlisle – who’s now described as ‘Zeus’ younger, better looking brother’ – is a grandpa now, too, y’know. So that’s okay.

Bella interrupts, getting possessive.

After a good look, Charlie starts trying to figure out when Bella could’ve given birth. Because he recognises features, and all that.

Jacob reminds him that it’s ‘need to know.’

Nessie waves at Charlie.

Charlie wants people to stop lying to him. And he wants to know how much Jacob’s father knows about all this.

Emmett interrupts, cheering on a game he’s watching on TV, and making more pathetic sex jokes. Charlie goes to watch the game with him. Football seems like a preferable alternative to these books….

Charlie has to leave for dinner now, with Jacob’s dad and Seth’s mom [Sue]. Bella lets him hold the now sleeping Nessie. She tells Charlie that Nessie has his curls, and promises that she’ll try to stay close. Charlie assures her that he still loves her.

We learn Nessie’s middle name. Carlie. Supposedly, a combination of Carlisle and Charlie.

Charlie is, for some strange reason, pleased with the name Renesmee Carlie.

You know what would be great here, right now? Arm wrestling. Because arm wrestling is so awesome. They even made an entire movie about it once, that’s how awesome it is. So let’s have some. But not on the table; it’s an antique, and Esme’s fond of it.

Bella and Emmett. Boulder. Arm wrestling. And innuendo about Emmett and Rosalie smashing up houses with their sexery.

Bella wins, breaking the boulder. Bella karate chops the boulder in two. Nessie laughs. Jacob thinks Bella should have more dignity; Nessie conveys that she wants less dignity.

The Twilight series collapses in on itself, becoming the most undignified singularity ever. A singularity in golf pants, and maybe a clowny little bowtie.

The sun comes out, and everyone sparkles. Bella muses on what it’s like to suddenly be ‘the best’ at something, thinking she must’ve been born to be a vampire.

Not born, just…contrived.

Bella thinks about the Fates, and the tapestry they’d weave from her family and her life. She lists the threads, because this is an excuse for more filling in. Quil and Embry have joined Jacob’s pack. Sue visits with Charlie. Jasper hovers, and this annoys Bella. Edward explains that it’s because she’s so happy, and Jasper can’t resist a chance to feel that sort of thing.

He’s what you’d call an emotional vampire, I guess. Hurr.

Nessie speaks her first word. Words. Sentence, even. She takes her first perfect little steps. Alice and Rosalie make a baby album. Nessie’s described as a perfectly proportioned ‘little adult’.

Nessie reads, without being taught. Tennyson. Out loud.

They begin to wonder if her accelerated growth means that she’ll die in fifteen years. We can only hope, but we should know better by now. They discuss turning her, but it’s too risky. She’s too like Jacob, which might mean she’ll die instead of turning.

Suddenly, there’s also the matter of the Volturi. Bella wants to go see them alone, to show them that she’s been turned. They’d been sent a wedding announcement, and had sent back a gift: a gold necklace with a ‘white diamond the size of a golfball’ in an ornate wooden box described as a ‘priceless treasure’.

Supposedly, this gaudy-sounding piece of crap has something to do with ‘the crown jewels’.

Plans are made. Alice sees indistinct, and often unrelated bits of the future. Bella, Nessie, and Jacob are off to hunt.

Nessie sees her first snow. She jumps fifteen feet into the air to catch a snowflake.

Irina – one of the Denali clan – sees them hunting, and concludes that the Cullens have made an immortal child.

We’re probably not supposed to know that yet, because Bella thinks it’s because of the werewolves.

More planning. They want to track down some legends about children like Nessie, in the Amazon.

Alice drops a vase.

The Volturi are coming. All of them. The full guard, and even the wives. When there’s snow on the ground. Possibly in a month.

That translates into…at least a hundred more pages. A few thousand adjectives and adverbs. Untold eternities of suffering.

Irina went to them, but they’d already decided to come anyway. Bella figures it out. Immortal children.

Emmett thinks they should fight. Call in both packs; call in their friends. Even if they don’t fight, the numbers should make the Volturi pause.

A whole new list of names. Lots of new characters. Tanya, Siobhan, Amun, Garrett, Mary, Alistair, Peter, Charlotte, Kachiri, Zafrina, Senna, Eleazar.

Alice and Jasper leave, telling everyone else to hurry and find them all.

And by leave, I mean leave. As in gone. Bailed. Across pack lands, and into the ocean, where we never have to hear Jasper called ‘Jazz’ again. We wish we could join them in leaving this story.

Sam’s sorry for letting her through. He’ll stand with them, because of his obligation to Jacob’s imprinting.

Despair. Woe. Emo. They’ll fight; they’ll die.

I wish.

Bella and Edward follow Alice’s scent to their cottage; Bella figures out that the note Alice left for the family was written on a page torn out of one of her old books. She’s left another note – an address in Seattle, with instructions to destroy it. The note; not Seattle.

Back at the Cullen residence, everyone’s prepared to head off in different directions to gather everyone needed. Edward and Bella are to stay behind and carefully introduce Nessie to everyone they send back.

Bella tries to look up the address Alice left for her. Two paragraphs are spent describing the faux-absent-minded way she strokes the keys, and a lot of wondering about whether or not vampires ever did anything like this.

Bella’s sad. Bella’s scared. Nessie leaps into her arms, shares some thoughts, and tries to comfort Bella.

Fretting. Questions. And more Jesus Approved™ sex.

Bella asks to be taught how to fight, which leads to learning about the Volturi’s abilities. Jane makes you feel burning; Alec [her twin brother?] cuts off all your senses. No sight, no hearing, nothing to smell. Also, no pain.

I’m confident in stating that this series would be roughly x times more tolerable while under the influence of Alec’s ability, if x is the largest number you can come up with.

If you prefer to be realistic: this series would be that tolerable if you were in a sensory deprivation tank, and someone outside that tank were reading it to you.

Oh. While Jane can only hurt one person, Alec can deprive everyone of their senses at once. Forget realism; we don’t have enough isolation tanks.

Bella considers sacrificing herself as a diversion, thinking that the gifted Volturi guard have probably never had to fight physically.

Good idea. Great idea. Go for it.

She thinks about taking out Demitri, the Volturi’s tracker. That’s his special ability. Super tracking skillz.

Then there’s the person they’re supposed to ask about the Volturi – Eleazar. He used to be in the guard, but was too compassionate. He’s now with the Denali clan. Or coven. Y’know what? I’ve already called them a clan before; coven’s just too retarded, like Renesmee.

It just occurred to me that we’re going to see a flood of horrid little girls named Renesmee. I’m just not sure if, upon meeting one, we should call it ‘Nessie’. That might give them the wrong impression.

Whatever. Eleazar’s gift was feeling the gifts of others. These gifts are getting silly.

That’s what he did for the Volturi. He warned them of potential trouble, or, more typically, of which ones to spare. Also, which humans to turn.

The Denalis are almost here; Nessie worries that they won’t like her. She has no images for her feelings right now.

Bella tells her that she’s very special, and that the problem will be getting them to understand that. Nessie shows Bella that she doesn’t fit in anywhere. She blames herself for the stress she sees them suffering.

Is it possible for a fanfic to have two Mary Sues? This is one area where I’m woefully underinformed. When a Mary Sue has a daughter, is the daughter also a Mary Sue? Is Mary Sueness genetic? In this case, it hasn’t obviously transferred, leaving the mother an empty…well, an emptier shell of a character than she already was. So, what now?
No time for that, though. The Denalis are here. Edward goes to explain the situation, while Bella, Jacob, and Nessie wait in the…kitchen? Dining room? I forget, and I don’t want to check. I want to get this finished.

The Denalis are worried. Carlisle said he needed to see them, but he’s not here. What the fuck is going on, exactly?

Edward asks them to be open-minded about being dragged bodily into the story. He asks them to listen to what’s in the other room – two heartbeats, one fast like a bird – and to smell what smells like a human, but not quite.

Bella brings Nessie into the room. They all panic, perhaps understanding that they’re about to commit to being involved in the last few chapters of this crap. They go on about rules and understanding.

Edward reminds them that they can hear Nessie’s heartbeat, and tells them how Bella gave birth while human.

Carmen falls instantly in love with Nessie.

Nessie wants to tell Carmen about it, in her own special way. Carmen consents, asking if she can speak. Of course she can; Nessie tells her she can show her more than she can tell her, though.

Like many of the other descriptions of Nessie, the word ‘dimpled’ is used.

Carmen believes what she’s shown, perhaps not understanding that it’d be far too easy to lie and show imagined things.

She shows Eleazar. We’re in for a lot of this.

He confirms that she’s not an immortal child; Tanya asks where the danger is, since it’s not Nessie. She assumes it has something to do with the Volturi.

Irina, of course. She went to the Volturi. Irina was one of the Denalis. They can’t believe she’d do this to the Cullens. Edward explains that they’re all coming, including the wives.

Eleazar says this is impossible. As mentioned before in the book, the wives never leave ‘the tower’.

Tanya says they can’t win this fight. Edward says this isn’t about fighting; they’re just looking for witnesses.

Edward explains that Nessie’s growing quickly, and, that, by the time of the fight [in a month], Nessie will look a year older.

Tanya pledges that they’ll be witnesses to her development; the rest of the clan follows.

Bella’s ability finally gets a name, revealing why Eleazar’s here. She’s a ‘shield’, and she must be a powerful one to have been blocking Edward’s ability to read her thoughts while human.

More information about the guard coming. This time, it’s Renata, Aro’s personal bodyguard. Renata’s ability is…diverting people. If someone were to try and attack Aro, they’d find themselves going in another direction, confused.

Here’s Kate [a Denali] to talk about her ability, since we’re suddenly talking about whether or not Bella can project hers around others the way Renata can. Kate can’t – she can only spread it over her skin.

Bella grabs Kate, begging her to teach this projection thing, and conveniently revealing that Kate’s ability doesn’t work on Bella. She’s a human taser. Anyone who touches her is electrocuted.

Eleazar and Edward have been talking during all this. Eleazar’s feeling self-loathing – a common side-effect of exposure to this storyline – about his time with the Volturi. He’s remembering other times vampire clans have been punished, and how they form a pattern.

Aro never attends these things, unless there’s something he wants. Evidence turns up, and everyone goes off to punish the group. Aro then pardons someone specific, claiming their thoughts are especially repentant. That vampire would always be grateful – because it’s such an honour? No. Because another of the guard, Chelsea, has a gift that allows her to influence emotional ties between groups and individuals, either making them stronger, or undoing them. She keeps the Volturi bound together, and keeps clans from fighting as one.

What she can’t do is affect the emotional bonds between mates, or especially strong devotions like those that form between the members of the vegetarian covens. See, eating only nonhuman animals makes them more civilised.

What’s all this mean? They know why Aro and everyone else is coming. Aro wants to acquire someone. He needs the full guard to protect him. Leaving the others unprotected in the city isn’t safe, so the wives come too.

Edward says that Aro’s never wanted anything more than he’s wanted Alice. Ah hah. This must be why Alice left.

…probably not, though.

And I’m not just saying this because I have the gift of ‘having read the ending’. No, that’s not my gift. My gift is being able to see the obvious happy ending outcome, even if I haven’t read the book. I knew what was going on before it happened. Aren’t I special….

The rest of the introductions are mostly glossed over, but more characters are introduced. Alice and Jacob are sending people. Peter and Charlotte arrive, curious. They join.

Clan and coven suddenly become interchangeable in the book. Siobhan, Liam and ‘Little Maggie’ show up. Maggie’s gift is being able to tell when she’s being lied to. They join without Nessie’s ‘explanation’.

Amun’s clan arrives; Amun orders his clan to leave. Benjamin – one of Amun’s – threatens to leave the clan if they don’t stay. Amun relents, but only because he doesn’t want to lose Benjamin’s gift.

Benjamin can influence the elements. Physically. Amun wants him as a weapon, but Benjamin’s too independent.

Garrett arrives. He’s an adventurer. Perhaps vegetarianism is his next great adventure. Then, there’s some more; Jacob complains that someone needs to create an index. An asterisk at the end of the paragraph indicates that one has been provided at the end of the book.

The Cullens return home. Carlisle brings Alistair with him, and we have our tinfoil hat wearing vampire of the series.

He’s suspicious of authority. And reclusive. And stuff. Also, he’s a tracker. He feels a pull to whatever he’s seeking. He uses it to avoid the Volturi, by running in the opposite direction.

Zafrina and Senna arrive without Kachiri. Alice sent them, saying that she needed Kachiri to help her with something.

Zafrina has a gift, too. She can make people see whatever she wants them to see. The example in the book is ‘being alone in a rainforest’.

Nessie wants to see. Nessie spends a lot of time with Zafrina and the ‘pretty pictures’; Bella’s able to see them through Nessie’s memories.

Edward can’t stand to teach Bella how to fight. Emmett, Rosalie, Tanya, and Eleazar step in. Others offer to help. Bella learns a few tricks from Zafrina, but refuses to fight her again out of fear.

Kate tries to teach Bella how to project her shield. Bella tries to protect Edward while Kate shocks him. It’s not working; Kate thinks Bella needs a better incentive.

She goes after Nessie. Bella gets mad. Descriptively mad. Also, it works. The feeling of the ‘shield’, and how it changes from a ‘band’ to a ‘film’ is described.

She manages to push it out to protect more people, then loses control over it.

Garrett’s curious about Kate, because, adventure! He lets himself get shocked.

Unexpected visitors arrive – Romanian vampires with a grudge against the Volturi. They want a fight.

The witnesses get counted – seventeen – and the family – eleven, because members of the Denali insist on being counted as family.

Bella and Jacob take Nessie to see Charlie. Bella leaves Jacob and Nessie there, making a ‘Christmas shopping’ excuse [because it’s that time of year] to go off and check out the address Alice left.

She finds herself in a bad neighbourhood in Seattle, unable to resist describing every detail. She meets someone there, but not ‘J Jenks’, the person she’s looking for. He’s just…the guy who knows his number. And gives her the information she needs so she can get what Alice intended.

The guy calls Jenks; Jenks is mad. Is she a ‘badge?’ No, she looks like a supermodel. [Of course].

Jenks, it turns out, forges ‘papers’. And charges a lot.

The guy gives her an address, and she arrives at the law offices of a ‘Mr. Scott’.

J, as he’s called from now on, is terrified. Of Jasper. And, therefore, of any Cullen.

Bella tries to figure out what Alice meant for her to get, and meant for her to do with Nessie. She tells J that she needs two birth certificates, two passports, and one driver’s license. For a Jacob and Vanessa Wolfe. Because Nessie works for Vanessa, and Wolfe = lulz.

Bella wonders how much it’ll cost – not that it matters. Cash is stashed in drawers around the Cullen house the way fish hooks are at Charlie’s. Rich, y’know. She pays him the entire price up front. J tells her that it’s customary to pay half up front. Bella assures him that she trusts him, and will pay him a bonus when she picks up the documents in a week, when they meet up at a restaurant.

She leaves, picks up a locket at an antique store to cover the ‘Christmas shopping’ excuse, and everyone’s back home.

The locket has an inscription. In french. Something meaning ‘more than my own life’.

Christmas. Nessie gets the locket, an MP3 player from Edward [filled with his favourite songs], and a braided ‘promise ring’ style bracelet from Jacob. Edward gets Charlie a fish finder.

Alistair leaves. Declarations of loyalty are made again.

Carlisle asks Siobhan to visualise a peaceful outcome; he has this crazy idea that her ‘gift’ is just that. The ability to force events to turn out the way she sees them.

Bella, Edward, Jacob and Nessie go hunting. Bella frets, because her shield has holes. Nessie can get into her head, after all.

Edward has a theory. Two, actually. One involves genetics. The other, that she’s taken both their abilities and reversed them. She puts her memories into other peoples’ heads, and nobody can keep her out.

It’s time to pick up the forged documents. J is worried; he respects the Cullens, but wants to be assured that these documents aren’t for plans to kidnap a child.

Of course not. Back to the Cullen house we go. Bella tries to figure out what to do with the documents, now that she has them. She goes to Alice’s room. Then, to Esme’s, to her desk, to try to get a message to Alice. She thinks about Alice seeing what she’s doing, and writes ‘Rio de Janeiro’ on the paper. She puts this, the documents, and ‘twice the average yearly income of an average American household’ into a little backpack for Nessie to wear.

The preparations are winding down. Bella talks about how she and Edward would not have any final goodbyes; it’d be too much like typing The End at the end of a manuscript.

The snow sticks on New Years Eve.

She says goodbye to Nessie. The locket comes up again – there are pictures of Bella and Edward in it. Bella explains that, when the time comes, Nessie will have to leave her. But don’t think of it, and don’t tell Jacob until Bella says ‘run’.

Bella puts on the tacky golf ball diamond, and prepares for the fight.

The formation is described. Vampires in front; wolves hidden in the trees behind. Jacob comes forward to be with Nessie.

The Volturi arrive. Words are involved. ‘Pageantry, synchronicity, beauty’. Grey to black at the centre of the formation, and they expand ‘like a fan’. The Volturi outnumber them.

Garrett makes a joke about the red coats coming.

The Romanians mention that the wives came with the group.

More vampires arrive – the Volturi brought their own witnesses.

Edward hears their thoughts. The Volturi are here to destroy and acquire. They have several plans, in case Irina’s accusations are false. And they don’t intend to stop to hear anything.

The Volturi halt unexpectedly. The wolves came out of the forest. There are more wolves now.

And we’re back at the prologue. Bella sees everything with a reddish tinge. She surveys the opposition, and there’s mention of ‘venom welling in her mouth’.

They stopped, by the way, because they’re outnumbered. This is a new experience for them. They don’t count the witnesses on their side.

Aro and Carlisle talk.

‘Hi, Aro!’

‘Hi? What do you mean by that. No, really, why are you saying ‘hi’ when you obviously mean to kill me?’

‘What? No. That’s not what I meant by not meeting you alone. Look, I brought cake. It’s a party!’

‘Your intent doesn’t matter. Look what you’ve done. How could you bring an immortal child to the party? It’ll ruin everything.’

‘But I didn’t.’

‘Yes you did. Now I must spank you, Carlisle. And my guard must spank your friends.’

‘No, wait, let me explain. I haven’t done anything to deserve that. No spankings, please.’

Caius interrupts, castigating Carlisle for all the pointless rules he’s made for himself while disregarding this very important rule about immortal children.

Carlisle denies that Nessie’s a vampire, and that he’s assembled a battalion. They’re just witnesses.

Caius calls for the informer. Irina steps out. Caius hits her.

Irina isn’t sure Nessie’s the child she saw. Nessie’s changed so much. Grown.

Aro steps in to stop the beating, and reads Irina’s memories. ‘Yes. The child has obviously grown.’

Aro wants to know more, though. We must have more information about this breach before we can consider cake over spankings. He wants to read Edward’s thoughts; he assumes that Edward is involved, since Nessie clings to ‘Edward’s newborn mate’.

Edward steps up to be read. Jane gives a smug little smile, and Bella snaps, throwing her shield out to cover all her allies in a not-so-surprising twist of events. Naturally, she’d come through in the end.

The words ‘mushroom cloud of liquid steel’ are used.

She instantly understands that any previous resistance she’d felt was of her own making. She’d been clinging to it. Now that she’s let go, it’s all so easy. She can feel everyone she’s protecting like ‘sparks’ of ‘light’ or heat…or something. And she’s able to control the shape of it, forming it around individuals like saran wrap.

She gloats for a moment, then decides that she shouldn’t be protecting Edward. The exchange needs to take place.

Having read Edward, Aro wants to meet Nessie. They meet in the middle of the field.

Caius demands to know what Nessie is, referring to her as ‘it’.

Well, Caius, it is the unfortunate spawn of a Mary Sue and her long, drawn out affair with a four book fantasy.

Nessie shows Aro a few things; Aro becomes curious about the wolves. Aro’s wondering if they could be made into guard dogs for his clan.

Aro must discuss these new facts with his brothers now, so we’re off to a new chapter.

There will, for now, be no cake. But no immediate spankings, either.

While Aro and Caius argue, Bella experiments with her shield. She doesn’t like the empty space of the dome she’s made, so she tries to pull it in and wrap it tightly around individuals. Oh, Bella, you’re so talented.

She discovers that she can protect all of the wolves by only protecting the alphas of the packs. So talented. So clever.

We find out that werewolves are real, but the wolves here aren’t werewolves. It’s the middle of the day, so they can’t be ‘children of the moon’.

The argument continues. ‘They know our secret,’ but ‘they’re supernatural creatures, so it’s allowed.’ They’re trying to come up with an excuse to ‘exact justice’.

Caius wants to speak to Irina again. Why did she tattle? Because of the Immortal Child, who…isn’t. Also, because the Cullens side with the wolves, who killed a friend of hers.

Irina declares that there’s been no crime. She holds no grudge against the Cullens.

The guard kills Irina. Words like ‘metallic screeching’ are used. Apparently, that’s the sound made by a vampire being torn apart. I can’t be sure if it’s a vocal thing, or the sound of vampire teeth on vampire flesh.

Her death is meant to cause an attack. Kate and Tanya want to retaliate; the rest try to stop them. Zafrina…illusions them, and Garrett tries to stop Kate from moving; Amazing Bella uses her Wonder Shield to protect him while not protecting Kate.

The Volturi’s witnesses are beginning to doubt the events. They’re not sure what Irina’s crime was, not understanding that being in this book is all the excuse anyone needs for destruction.

Aro has a new plan. He wants to talk to some of the witnesses.

Amun tells of what he’s seen, and requests that he be allowed to leave.

Siobhan confirms what Amun said, adding that Nessie is no threat to their secrecy, as she blends in far better and learns faster than she grows.

Aro gets speechy.

Garrett wants to get speechy. He came to witness for Nessie, and also to see what the Volturi would do. He tells the Volturi’s witnesses that the Volturi are here to wipe out the competition. He encourages the Volturi’s witnesses to join the other side. They’re likely to be destroyed either way.

Aro tells the witnesses that they may leave if they wish. Some do.

The Volturi go off to talk a bit. Bella tells Nessie and Jacob to run when she tells them to, and that Nessie has what’s necessary to get them out of the country.

The four share a tearful goodbye. Because the wolf is crying. Yes, I really just said that.

More pledges are made. Garrett says he’ll follow Kate anywhere.

The battle begins. But not really. Chelsea is trying to break down their relationships. Edward can hear her thoughts; she can’t figure out why it’s not working.

Jane tries for Carlisle, then several others in rapid succession. Then Alec.

Benjamin gets showy, revealing that he was probably created to make more work for the crappy CG team working on the movie.

They start deciding who gets to kill who. Aro interrupts, offering the gifted members of the opposition a place in the guard. Chelsea attempts to influence them, but can’t breach the WonderShield.

How do you spice up a book? Without using a debate or a conference? Voting!

The three brothers vote; Aro has the deciding vote. Edward interrupts him, asking if they could be allowed to live if Aro knew for certain what Nessie’s future held.

Alice has returned. Duh.

She’s brought help. Kachiri, and two strangers. Another [male]half human, half vampire, and a female vampire. He’s over a century old, and venomous, apparently. His father goes around fucking human women, trying to create a ‘master race’.

The Volturi decide to leave the Cullens, Nessie, and the other half-vampire alive, but speak to the father. Nahuel [the boy] requests that his sisters be left alone, because they’re innocent.

It’s over. Everyone’s pleased, except the Romanians.

The parting begins. Zafrina wants Nessie to visit her. Not so loose ends are tied up – Alice left and only gave Bella clues because Bella’s a terrible actress.

Nahuel stares at Bella because he hates himself for killing his own mother.

Bella shows Edward that she can let him into her mind.

And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

the end

—Breaking Dawn Book Three Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After

The book ends predictably, with a ‘happily ever after the end’.

We can only hope that it truly is the end; that there won’t be any book about Jacob and Nessie’s relationship.

I may write a conclusion, summing up my thoughts on the entire thing, and maybe…evaluating it a little bit more than I have here, but…I’m honestly a little too burned out to think about that right now. I’ll need some time to collect my thoughts.

Thank you for sticking with me through this. I hope you enjoyed suffering as much as I enjoyed inflicting said suffering.

I’d also like to thank whoever leaked Midnight Sun to the internet. Thank you. Do not doubt my sincerity – I truly mean it when I say ‘thank you’. By leaking it, you made her stop working on it. You have done a great service to the world.

You should’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize, whoever you are. By causing this author’s little ‘well, no, now I won’t finish it’ snit, you’ve saved countless individuals from unimaginable torture.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, by the way? I just hit 58 pages.

I’ll try to be brief, but funny, in my conclusion. And I’ll try to do it before I erase this entire thing from my memory with a magic eraser shaped like a handgun…or before one of you does it for me.