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This post is probably going to suck, because I’m watching the film as I type.

So far? It’s terrible. I didn’t quite catch the time that passed between the discovery of…I guess it’s Ymir [unofficially? The planet, not the moon], the launching of the project to send the signal, and the rather weird response to the signal, but, since that bitch is, like, twenty light years away? I’m already going with ‘no’.

I think they probably should’ve chosen a less evil design for their signal satellite, and maybe not deployed as many lens flares. I honestly thought Comcast mixed it up with Star Trek for a minute.

I think the first alien showed up just now. Why does it remind me of Halo? Or…am I thinking of another videogame? Anyway….

So far? Let’s see, the ‘keep them in’ thing is very ‘Under the Dome’, the graphics they keep showing of the planets look like crosses between Cybertron and Coruscant, with a bit of ‘Hey, the shapes of High Gallifreyan look nice, let’s use those’ thrown in. The aliens are silly looking.

And they really went with the aliens firing weapons that look like the pegs from the game.

What else?

Oh, yeah, it’s really slow to start. We’re introduced to what I guess are the two main characters — a competent brother and a fuckup brother. The fuckup brother demonstrates that he’s a colossal fuckup, and then they’re in the Navy.

Naturally, competent brother dies or something, and fuckup ends up in charge, because nobody else is left.

The aliens seem to have a modified Terminator visual system.

I don’t even care about the rest of the movie. I hope they all die. The humans, the aliens. I hope Liam Neeson figures out how horrible this thing is and punches it. Then? Hunts down the people responsible.

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12 thoughts on “Battleship

  1. And now they’ve shoehorned the grid in by way of water-displacement and NOAA data.

    Pegs, the grid, but, still, there’s no moving in Battleship, goddamnit.

    Also, there’s no water-displacement. It’s all about guessing and trusting your opponent to be honest.

    I’m honestly torn between which segments I hate more — the ship segments or the bits with the comedy-relief bumbling scientist and the ultra-gruff legless army dude. This is the slowest, non-explodingest alien invasion ever.

    I honestly thought I detected a hint of that whole ID4/Day After Tomorrow guy in the destruction I saw when the one thing crashed, but that’s all gone. Now it’s just…I’m actually watching actors play Battleship, and it’s as boring as you’d think.

  2. And, waitaminute, what’s this about Leopard Geckos and not being able to stand sunlight? They need sunlight just like other reptiles.

  3. Is it really safe to jump off the side of a Navy destroyer? Especially that close to shore, when they were just scraping rocks with their propellers a second ago?

    Oh, suddenly I’m watching Titanic. Is the fuckup-brother Leo DeCaprio, and the Japanese Captain Kate Whatshername?

  4. And now they’re stealing the Missouri, and talking about how much of a long-shot it is. But the score is rising and trying to sound inspiring and…now it’s some sort of rock music, and there are old WWII vets helping out.

  5. Why are you trying to sound like Iron Man, movie music? You should be ashamed. You’re not Iron Man. Did you wander on to set drunk or something? Go back to Iron Man.

  6. The next time I play Battleship, I’m playing as the aliens. Apparently, the aliens get to fire enough pegs to fill every hole in the board. At once.

  7. I see that you’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean, Fuckup Brother. What would Jack Sparrow do? Exactly what you did.

    Also, why, exactly, do you keep cutting off before they say ‘fuck’?

    Oh, finally, here are the fucking explosions. And the dome comes down. Liam Neeson’s gonna punch some shit.

    Oh, the satellite un-RRoDed. That’s awesome. How do you do that?

    WOO! JEEP JUMP! Sorry, most exciting moment of the movie.

  8. Legless Guy has found his redemptive moment, and is trying to fist-fight an alien, which must be why they brought up the ‘Golden Gloves’ thing earlier.

    I’m trying to figure out why the aliens remind me of someone. They’ve got this, like, scraggly, porcupine-looking goatee thing going on, but they’re bald otherwise. Whoever that bald/goatee thing reminds me of, it’s as if that person and Ron Perlman had an obscene lovechild.

  9. Here come more of the silly sentient chain-ball weapons. Apparently, they build them as needed. If the Lionsgate logo animation were a Decepticon, they’d be these things.

  10. Awards ceremony, and Fuckup finally asks Neeson if he can have permission to marry his daughter. And it ends as it began — badly, and with a chicken burrito.

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