Since I’m being blamed a little…and it’s kinda funny.
Carman was a Christian singer that made me touch myself when I was a preteen. The influence of alcohol and Hunter made me realize that I should share that love with him, so here is the letter I’m sending via his website (with my real e-mail, should he actually want to hook up)….
Hey Carman. You came to Bakersfield a long time ago. I saw you at the Fairgrounds. I threw you a teddy bear. What a fun show that was. But really, I have something quite serious to say….
I recently found out that I can’t conceive children. That doesn’t really bother me, as I don’t really like the little turds, but someday I might want to have them, you know? Anyway, I was praying about it the other day, and then I turned on TBN and you happened to be on. I think that was a sign. I think Jesus is trying to tell me that it is God’s will for me to have children. I don’t just mean any children, I mean YOUR children. Seriously, what other kind of sign could that have been? The holy spirit spoke to me through TBN, and now I am here to plead my case.
Jesus was telling me the other day that I really need to make more of an effort to touch your bathing-suit places. By touch, I’m sure He meant stroke, because, you know, Jesus can sometimes be cryptic like that. From my past indiscretions, I have been told that I give amazing blowjobs and would be happy…no…honored to give one to you in the name of Jesus Christ. Then just as you were about to spew your man juices inside my mouth, I would sit on your Sword of Righteousness and ride you like a horseman of the Apocalypse. Jesus told me that He would touch your scrotum to His mouth as you climaxed and that you would fill me with your seed, causing me to conceive a child. Praise Jesus! What a marvelous revelation! So, as is the will of God, the next time you are in Bakersfield, e-mail me. I (and Jesus) will DEFINITELY make it worth your while.