I got completely unsolicited mail from Scientology.

I’ve blurred everything addressey out because, well, it’s Scientology. And I really don’t want them figuring out, through process of elimination, which of the houses within the specific mail-out radius of this particular mission is responsible for this.

That’s not what I saw first, though. Not the address, or the ‘Are you holding yourself back in life?’ question. No, this is what I saw first:

Well, of course there is. But, having not attained true financial success, I can’t really afford the nearly half-a-million [minimum] it’d cost to go up the bridge, now, can I?

But, what the hell. I’ve been neglecting my website; you’ve given me free content. Financial success, here I come!

Is that a trick question?

Please provide non-Scientology sources.

This test is going to…wait, what? Does this mean it’s going to give me a papercut somewhere I’ve never had a papercut before? Are we talking deep, splenic papercuts here? Because I’m really not interested in those kinds of papercuts.

Also, let me fix that for you….

You’ve never seen anything like this before!* Just fill out this test and mail it in. You will receive a FREE in-person and in-depth analysis of the results. OBLIGATION FREE!** The Dianetics® Foundation is a Non-Profit Organization for the public education about the human mind.*** This is a free public service. ****

*Unless you’ve ever been online; then you might be familiar with the recruitment personality test Oxford Capacity Analysis*****.
**Does not include the obligation of either signing up for costly auditing, or the obligation of being on our mailing list for the rest of your natural life.******
***Subsidiary of a long list of other foundations which honestly have nothing to do with this stated aim, and are really only in it for the money.
****Not exactly.
*****Not affiliated with Oxford
******Due to our beliefs, that’s a really long time, yo.

So, let’s get to that test, shall we?

This may take a while. Better go grab a drink. Possibly some munchies. And, maybe, something to induce the munchies….

Page 1 [it’s really rather large].

No. Just, no. Why? Because, fuck you, that’s why. I already know about this test; I know it’s fucking rigged so that, even if you do select all the so-called ‘correct’ answers, you can’t actually ‘pass’. They’ll just tell me that I’m sabotaging this and that, and that I’m suffering from something that can only be cured by going up the fucking bridge.

Also, because you mailed this shit to me, which means that I’m going to respond however I please.

Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?

Yes. I often regret not saying the other thing that came to mind instead.

When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed?

Rattled? Like, the infant toy? I think that, if I ever saw that, I’d probably laugh. That’s not exactly remaining composed, is it?

Or is this some weird form of attack involving rattlesnakes?

Do you browse through railway timetables, directories or dictionaries, just for pleasure?

I think it’s time to update your test. I have randomly gone through dictionaries [and even phonebooks] before, just because. We’ve got this little thing called the ‘internet’ these days. You remember the internet, right? That series of tubes that recently pwned you so hard you still can’t sit properly?

When asked to make a decision, would you be swayed by your like or dislike of the personality involved?

Depends entirely on the decision. If someone I loathe asked me to decide whether or not to save a kitten? I’d save the kitten. If someone I respected asked me to join Scientology? I’d tell them to die in a fire.

Do you intend to have two or less children in your family even though your health and income would permit more?

I intend to have zero children. There is no matter of health or income.

Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles when there is no logical reason for it?

There’s a biological reason. Does that count?

Would you prefer to be in a position where you did not have the responsibilities of making decisions?

Yes. In fact, I’m planning to spend my next vacation in a persistent vegetative state.

Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people?

How the hell am I supposed to answer this according to how I feel right now? Seriously?

Also, I wouldn’t be surprised. Except that there are probably some actions people can predict.

Do you consider more money should be spent on social security?

I request clarification.

Do other people interest you very much?

That depends. Are they walking around without any skin? That would interest me very much. No? Leave me alone.

Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?

This seems like the sort of thing the person administering this farce of an analysis would be able to note for themselves, instead of it being asked.

Do you normally let the other person start the conversation?

Let? As if I have any choice in the matter?

Are you readily interested in other people’s conversation?

Depends. Are the conversations interesting, or are they prattling on as loudly as possible about the latest round of voting on one of those insipid talentless shows?

Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing?

Depending on my mood, I think that rather encourages me….

Are you often impulsive in your behavior?

Yes. Impulsive. Reckless. Usually after much careful planning that I’ve decided to throw away in favour of something else. Because I’m totally like that.

Before you ask: no, I won’t be losing myself in your kiss. Please leave, and take your incredibly creepy soundtrack with you.

Do you speak slowly?

No. Maybe. I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?

Are you usually concerned about the need to protect your health?

Allow me to answer this question with an injection of influbola — all the fun of Ebola, in a flu-like package. Call now, and get this free used needle!

Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch?

Why, yes, I do have reflexes. Don’t you?

No, I suppose you wouldn’t. Not after all those TRs where you’re trained to make unblinking, unwavering eye contact no matter what happens.

Are you normally considerate in your demands on your employees, relatives or pupils?

Nine out of ten of all my employees and pupils say the beatings I administer are quite considerate. The tenth…cannot currently comment.

Do you consider that you could give a valid “snap judgement”?

What the hell is it with you and consider?

Do your past failures still worry you?

If they didn’t, I’d probably repeat them. Past failures pave the way for future successes, or something trite like that.

Do you find yourself being extra-active for periods lasting several days?

No. I do tend to sleep whenever I can, after all….

Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do?

Resent? No. Ignore? Usually.

Is it normally hard for you to “own up and take the blame”?

Whatever it is: I didn’t do it.

Do you have a small circle of close friends, rather than a large number of friends, speaking acquaintances?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds of not having enough to make a circle.

Is your life a constant struggle for survival?

All life is. That’s how evolution happens.

Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?

No. And don’t you start that shit, either.

Are you considered warm-hearted by your friends?

Yes. If by ‘friends,’ you mean ‘cat.’

Would you rather give orders than take them?

I’d much rather do neither, if you don’t mind.

Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates?

What associates?

Could you agree to “strict dicipline”?

Giving? No, probably not. Taking? Absolutely not. Both requires social interaction, and I refuse to put up with that.

Would the idea of making a complete new start cause you much concern?

…are you asking me if I want to be born again? I think I’m a little large for that.

Do you make efforts to get others to laugh and smile?

Why would I do that?

Do you find it easy to express your emotions?

I’m currently annoyed. Am I expressing it appropriately? You’ll have to tell me so I know if it’s easy to express it, or if I need to put more effort into it.

Do you refrain from complaining when the other person is late for an appointment?

If anyone made an appointment to see me, I’d probably cancel.

Are you sometimes considered by others a “spoilsport”?

Probably. I suspect that you’re feeling that way about me right about now, due to my refusal to play along with your little money-sucking effort….

Do you consider there are other people who are definitely unfriendly toward you and work against you?

I think I’d like to defer this question.

Would you admit you were wrong just to “keep the peace”?

You mean, would I lie to make someone happy about winning? Not without a toxic dose of sarcasm.

Do you have only a few people of whom you are really fond?

Can I have a real number, please?

Are you rarely happy, unless you have a special reason?

Aren’t most people? I mean, most people who aren’t the sort of creepy, eternally-happy people you worry about when they’re near sharp objects?

Do you “circulate around” at a social gathering?

Someone mixed up this list with a list of questions from the last game of 20 questions. Assume the answer is yes and try to figure out what the object was….

Do you take reasonable precaution to prevent accidents?

Of course. I always make sure to point the scissors away from me when I run, never take cheap candy from strangers, and, when harassing large animals, I always make sure I’m not the slowest runner in the group.

By the way: how the fuck do you prevent an accident? They’re accidents, not on-purposes.

Does the idea of talking in front of people make you nervous?

Yes. Also, homicidal.

If you saw an article in a shop obviously mistakenly marked lower than its correct price, would you try to get it at that price?

Of course. And I usually get it, too. See, they kinda have to do it, unless it’s blatantly obvious that someone ripped off one price tag and put it on another item.

The store near here was selling those mid-sized boxes of Hot Pockets [possibly five to a box?] at 4 boxes for $10, or something cheap like that. We stocked up. The store made a mistake — and admitted they made a mistake — but they kept the price because the loss they took on the Hot Pockets was made up for by other sales. Sales they wouldn’t have gotten if it weren’t for the insanely cheap Hot Pockets.

I’m a big fan of getting stuff on the cheap. Their mistake is my gain, and I intend to gain.

Do you often feel that people are looking at you or talking about you behind your back?

I don’t stick around long enough to notice these things, so there’s really no way I could feel it.

Are you “always getting into trouble”?

<nerd> “I have the death sentence on twelve systems.” </nerd>

Have you any particular hate or fear?

Nothing I’d share with you guys. I wouldn’t want to wake up to find my bed filled with…kittens, or anything. Oh, damn. Now I will, won’t I? How horrifying.

Do you prefer to be an onlooker rather than participate in any active sport?

Neither.

Do you find it easy to be impartial?

Not enough information.

Have you a definitely set standard of courteous behavior in front of other members of your family?

Oh, yes. For the last ten or so years, I’ve had an incredibly unbeatable streak of politeness. If you’re not there to be rude, you’re nothing but polite.

Can you “start the ball rolling” at social gatherings?

How heavy is the ball? Is there an inclined plane involved?

Would you “buy on credit” with the hope that you can keep up the payments?

I bought a house. I will not, however, be buying your services on credit. Is this how you judge who’ll be easiest to draw in?

Do you get an after-reaction when something unexpected such as an accident or other disturbing incident takes place?

Didn’t you already ask this question?

Do you consider the good of all concerned rather than your own personal advantages?

What? No.

When hearing a lecturer, do you sometimes experience the idea that the speaker is referring entirely to you?

Only when they’re actually talking to me, or about me.

Does “external noise” rarely interfere with your concentration?

That depends entirely on the noise. Also, what am I concentrating on in this situation?

Are you usually “up-to-date” on everyday affairs?

Do you mean the news? No.

Can you confidently plan and work towards carrying out an event in six months time?

Oh yes. I can confidently plan on cancelling it tomorrow.

Do you consider the modern “prisons without bars” system doomed to failure?

…what the hell is that?

Do you tend to be careless?

I believe the correct answer is, “Oops.”

Do you ever get a “dreamlike” feeling toward life when it all seems unreal?

More of an ‘uncanny valley’ type feeling when I notice that things in the real world look as if they’ve been CGed in.

Do you speedily recover from the effects of bad news?

My recovery time is incredibly fast when compared to that of your average sea sponge.

When you criticize — do you at the same time try to encourage?

Yes. Exempli gratia: This personality assessment is complete and utter bullshit. I encourage you to leave Scientology by converting to a less obnoxious religion. Or, you could die. Either way. I don’t care.

Are you normally considered “cold”?

I’ve been called worse things.

Are your opinions insufficiently important to tell other people?

No. It’s kinda the other way around. People don’t matter enough to me for me to bother telling them anything.

Are you so self-assured that it sometimes annoys others?

I don’t know. Ask them.

Do you keep “close contact” on articles of yours which you have loaned to friends?

Whenever I loan something to someone, I glue myself to that object.

People don’t ask me to lend them things now.

Do you enjoy activities of your own choosing?

Would I choose to do them if I didn’t enjoy them?

Does emotional music have quite an effect on you?

Not really into Emo. Not that I have any fucking clue what falls under that genre….

Do you completely condemn a person because he is a rival or opponent in some aspect of your relations with him?

Um, maybe? What?

Do you often “sit and think” about death, sickness, pain and sorrow?

Yes. Also, I read about it. Would you like a list?

Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity?

What dignity? Would I be doing this if I had any dignity?

Are you always collecting things which “might be useful”?

Of course. You never know when you’ll need an extra set of ribs.

Would you criticize faults and point out the bad points on someone else’s character or handiwork?

If they asked me for my opinion.

Are you openly appreciative of beautiful things?

I cried when I saw the Vampyroteuthis infernalis in that one episode of Planet Earth. What, you don’t think it’s beautiful? That’s hardly my problem. Also: shut up.

Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you?

I rarely give away things that do belong to me. Why would I bother being generous with someone else’s shit?

Do you greet people effusively?

Effusively. Burbling. Gushing. So, like…with a hose? Haven’t tried that yet….

Do you often ponder on previous misfortunes?

There’s that funny déjà vu feeling again….

Are you sometimes considered forceful in your actions or opinions?

Of course not. And nobody would disagree with me, either. Not unless they want a hose-greeting in the middle of a blizzard….

Do you accept criticism easily and without resentment?

Is it valid?

Are you usually undisturbed by “noises off” when you are trying to rest?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Noises off? What the fuck is that?

Are you likely to be jealous?

Why? What are you planning to do?

Do you tend to put off doing things and then discover it is too late?

Only when it’s really important.

Do you prefer to abide by the wishes of others rather than seek to have your own way?

I prefer when the wishes of others and my way are in agreement [id est, when they don’t want me to be around, and I don’t want to be anywhere near them].

Do you find it easy to get yourself started on a project?

Oh yes. Finishing, on the other hand….

Do you bite your fingernails or chew the end of your pencil?

I used to. I don’t use pencils anymore. I go through a lot of keyboards, though….

Keyboards are kinda hard on the teeth, too.

Do you “turn up the volume” of your emotions just to create an effect?

My emotions go up to eleven; unfortunately, they’ve been stuck on i for quite a while now. I’m not sure what that means.

If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country?

No, because they’d probably be annoying the hell out of me through some protest or another.

Are there some things about yourself on which you are touchy?

Maybe. Or, wait, are you asking me…if I touch myself? I can’t tell. Half the time, even if it looks like you’re asking a clear and sense-making question, I can’t be sure. Because, Scientology.

Do you have few interests and activities that are your own choice?

Compared to everything in the world? Yes. On average? I might be interested in more things than some people.

Do you ever get a single thought which hangs around for days?

No. They usually bring friends, and get quite rowdy. Last time, I had to call the thought police.

Are you a slow eater?

Sometimes. Depends entirely on what I’m eating.

Can you be a stabilizing influence when others get panicky?

No.

Didn’t you kinda ask that before? Something about rattling?

Would you stop and find out whether a person needed help even though they had not directly asked you for it?

What could I possibly do to help anyone? And why would I bother? They might sue me for not being tall enough to reach the last bottle of coke on the top shelf. And then the store would kick me out for climbing up to get it.

Are you prejudiced in favor of your own school, college, club, or team, etc.?

Does this have to do with sports?

Do you pay your debts and keep your promises when it is possible?

Wow. That’s conditional, isn’t it?

Do you sleep well?

As I am not a qualified sleep specialist, I cannot answer this question.

Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you?

No. I’d use capital punishment.

Do you prefer to take a passive role in any club or organization to which you belong?

If by ‘passive’ you mean ‘not joining’, then yes.

Are you logical and scientific in your thinking?

Yes. Except when I’m not.

Does the youth of today have more opportunity than that of a generation ago?

Opportunity to what? Fuck up royally without getting killed? Yeah.

Do you throw things away only to discover that you need them later?

Is this one of those contradictory questions? If the answer is yes, but the ‘collecting in case of future use’ is yes, then…well, it’s not like you actually bother going over the test thoroughly anyway, so maybe I’m putting too much thought into it.

Would you give up easily on a given course if it were causing you a considerable amount of inconvenience?

For this question, we will define ‘considerable amount of inconvenience’ as ‘interfering with my ability to survive, or involving Scientology.’

The answer is yes.

Do you “wax enthusiastic” about only a few subjects?

I enthusiastically wax squids.

Do you rarely suspect the actions of others?

[Insert Spanish Inquisition Joke Here.]

Do you sometimes wonder if anyone really cares about you?

Why bother?

Do you turn down responsibility because you doubt your fitness to cope?

I’m doubting my fitness to cope with the responsibility of finishing the next page of questions. After the first 107, I’m not sure I can go on.

I will, though.

Page 2.

Home stretch, and all that. Only…okay, I haven’t bothered to look. I’ll let you know later.

See that image over there? That’s an ad from the second page.

Honestly, I might just try that again. The reading of Dianetics, I mean. I keep meaning to for…some other thing that I really shouldn’t talk about. Except everybody probably already knows anyway.

Do you sometimes feel compelled to repeat some interesting item or tidbit?

Yes. If it’s interesting, I want to share it. Sometimes, even when it’s not. Like this.

Do you tend to exaggerate a justifiable grievance?

If it’s justifiable, how can I exaggerate it?

Is your facial expression varied rather than set?

That’s an incredibly insensitive question. What if I had some sort of medical condition involving facial paralysis?

Do you usually need to justify or back up an opinion once stated?

Usually, when people ask me for my opinion, they follow up with ‘why?’ So, yeah.

Do you openly and sincerely admire beauty in other people?

Didn’t you…oh, people? No.

Would it take a definite effort on your part to consider the subject of suicide?

Much less effort than it’s taking to finish this. But, hey, at least it’s not That Twilight Thing I Did.

Would you consider yourself energetic in your attitude toward life?

Less and less.

Would a disagreement affect your general relationship with another person?

Isn’t that kinda what a disagreement is?

Does a minor failure on your part rarely trouble you?

Another one of those questions, huh? Or does the ‘minor’ thing make it totally different?

Do you sometimes feel that you talk too much?

Yes. I’m trying to cut back. I’m down to ten words a day.

Do you smile much?

That’s something I’ve successfully quit.

Are you easily pleased?

Not anymore.

When met with direct opposition would you still seek to have your own way rather than give in?

Directly oppose me and find out.

Provided the distance were not too great, would you still prefer to ride rather thank walk?

Who said I prefer to ride? And ride what?

Do you ever get disturbed by the noise of the wind or a house “settling down”?

Is this that ‘noise off’ thing from earlier? No. I’m usually entertained by it. The sounds are neat.

Is your opinion influenced by looking at things from the standpoint of your experiences, occupation or training?

And here’s where I finally snapped and decided to look up the ‘correct’ answers for the test. By ‘correct’, I mean ‘the answers that give you the best possible score.’ The answer for this one is ‘yes’, because, duh. Everyone’s opinions are influenced by their experiences, training, and occupation.

Do you often make tactless blunders?

How many other kinds of blunders are there? I mean, can you really commit a tactful faux pas?

Are you suspicious of people who ask to borrow money from you?

Yes. They might be involved in Scientology.

Are your decisions swayed by personal interests?

Seriously? This is a question? Again? Except, ‘decisions’ instead of ‘opinions’?

Can you get quite enthusiastic over “some simple little thing”?

Things, even little things, are rarely simple. Or are you referring to retarded midgets?

Do you frequently take action even though you know your own good judgement would indicate otherwise?

Yes. That’s why I’m doing this, even though that little, annoying voice in my head is saying, ‘Stop that. It’s more trouble than it’s worth.’

Are you in favor of color bar and class distinction?

Quagga?

Are you aware of any habitual physical mannerisms such as pulling your hair, nose, ears or such like?

Yes. I have a very unfortunate tic that involves a pair of rusty pliers and your teeth. It’s really quite awful; fortunately, it only happens when I’ve been asked about fifty very stupid questions.

Can you quickly adapt and make use of new conditions and situations even though they may be difficult?

Like most animals that’ve survived to reproductive maturity, yes.

Do some noises “set your teeth on edge”?

Oh yes. Remember that fear from earlier? The one where I wake up and my bed is just full of kittens? That mewing noise they make, it’s awful. Makes my skin crawl right into the neighbour’s house. Also, my liver switches places with my brain.

Can you see the other fellow’s point of view when you wish to?

Only if they’re my height. Otherwise, I might have to stand on something….

Do you go to bed when you want to, rather than “by the clock”?

Yes. And there isn’t a clock near my bed, either. So there.

Do the “petty foibles” of others make you impatient?

Annoyed, if I’m not ignoring them entirely.

Do children irritate you?

You have no idea. Or maybe you do, based on that one other question about kids….

Are you less talkative than your associates?

What associates?

Hell, it doesn’t matter. People who don’t even exist are more talkative than I am.

Do you usually carry out assignments promplty and systematically?

As long as the assignment is ‘procrastinate’.

Even then, I’d probably put that off….

Would you assist a fellow traveler rather than leave it to the officials?

The officials are far better equipped to handle whatever they need.

When voting, do you vote the same party ticket straight rather than studying the candidates and issues?

I don’t vote.

Do you frequently dwell on your past illnesses or painful experiences?

I’m too busy dwelling on present pain to bother with past pain.

Do you get very ill at ease in disordered surroundings?

No. Extremely ordered surroundings make me nervous, though. Extremely ordered surroundings that are full of kittens. God, no. A clean house and kittens. Don’t ever do that to me.

Do you usually criticize a film or show that you see or a book that you read?

If it sucked. And, y’know what? Even if it didn’t. Because it’s fun.

When recounting some amusing incident can you easily imitate the mannerisms or the dialect in the original incident?

No.

In subjects about which you are not expert, are your ideas of sufficient importance as to tell others?

Sometimes. Once I’ve had the time to flesh them out into something more than just a random idea. Or if the person who is an expert isn’t likely to just write me off as a complete idiot for lacking the proper collegiate pedigree.

Do you have a tendency to tidy up a disorder of somebody else’s household?

Why would I do that?

Can you accept defeat easily without the necessity of “swallowing your disappointment”?

…you said ‘swallow’.

Do you often feel depressed?

Sorry, what? Too busy sniggering immaturely over ‘swallow’.

Are you ever ill at ease in the company of children?

GODDAMNIT STOP REASKING QUESTIONS. You’re like a fucking toddler.

Do you get frustrated at not being able to do something rather than finding a substitute activity or system?

Yes. But, sometimes, a complete time-waster of an activity comes along to fill that annoying downtime. Like this.

Are you sometimes completely unable to enter into the spirit of things?

As stated: no. Because it’s most of the time. Keep your spirit at the pep rally where it belongs, and far away from me.

Do you rarely express your grievances?

What do you think….

Do you work in “spurts,” being relatively inactive and then furiously active for a day or two?

Spurts. Furiously.

Tee hee.

Does the number of uncompleted jobs you have on hand bother you?

Sometimes. But, then, I get something done, and the pride of having completed something is awesome.

Do people enjoy being in your company?

No. Go away.

Could you allow someone to finish those “final two words” in a crossword puzzle without interfering?

Absolutely not. For I am the Crossword Ruiner. I swoop in, distracting the individual, and fill in the last two words. Because crossword interruptus is funny, and I’m a lame-ass supervillain.

Do you consider the best points of most people and only rarely speak slightingly of them?

I constantly ‘slight’ people’s best features. Wait, what?

Do you laugh or smile quite readily?

I told you, I successfully quit smiling. Are you trying to get me to relapse?

Are you definite and emphatic in voice and manner?

No, goddamnit. Seriously, leave me alone.

Are you effusive only to close friends if at all?

There’s that word again. Everybody gets the goddamn hose.

Are your interests and fields of knowledge so important as to give little time for anything else?

Translation: ‘will you drop everything and devote yourself fully to Scientology?’

Would you like to “start a new activity” in the area in which you live?

Translation: ‘Can we con you into starting a mission, or, perhaps, an org?’

Would you make the necessary actions to kill an animal in order to put it out of pain?

Yes. I’d take it to the vet.

Is it easy for you to relax?

Not if I’m in the kitten room of terror and woe.

Do you have little regret for past misfortunes and failures?

I thought I already answered this….

Does the idea of fear or apprehension give you a physical reaction?

Am I scared by the idea of being scared? Is that what you’re asking? Srsly?

Can you trust the decision of your judgement in an emotional situation in which you are involved?

Since my decision is usually ‘get the hell out of here’, yeah.

Could someone else consider that you were really active?

I doubt it.

Do you find it hard to get started on a task that needs to be done?

Only if thinking about it counts as getting started.

Are you opposed to the ‘probation system’ for criminals?

Only if it involves mandatory Scientology auditing.

Do you spend much time on needless worries?

At least as much time as I spend on completely worthless website content.

In a disagreement do you find it hard to understand how the other person fails to see your side, and thus agree with you?

No. I fully understand that most people are so very attached to their point of view that they can’t allow themselves to see things any other way.

Do you cope with everyday problems of living quite well?

As a member of the undead, I find that question offensive.

Are you usually truthful to others?

Unless I’m kidding. I have no control over whether or not they take me too seriously….

Would you rather “wait for something to happen” as opposed to you causing it?

I think it depends entirely on the ‘something’. In this case, I’m much happier about getting this list of questions without having made it happen. I don’t want to know what would’ve happened if I’d made something Scientologish occur in my general direction.

Do you spend too freely in relation to your income?

Translation: ‘Will you spend way more than you’ll ever have just to go up the bridge?’

Can you take a “calculated risk” without too much worry?

Somehow, this feels like a restatement of the previous question.

If you were involved in a slight car accident, would you really take the trouble to see that any damage you did was made good?

Indeed. I want that damage to be exceptional. Wait, ‘slight’ is defined as ‘fewer than fifty cars, but more than ten, with major interstate blockage,’ right?

Do others push you around?

Well, I am very small.

Do you make allowances for your friends where with others you might judge more severely?

No.

Do you often ponder over your own inferiority?

I’m rather apathetic about my inferiority.

Do people criticize you to others?

Yeah. It’s kinda funny, actually….

Like, this one guy? He called me a Scifag once — okay, a lot of times. It was funny.

Are you embarrassed by a hearty greeting such as a kiss, hug or pat on the back, if done in public?

Don’t touch me. No, seriously, stay the fuck away from me. You have Body Thetans, and that’s fucking gross.

Do you frequently not do something you want to do because of other peoples desires?

I frequently don’t do whatever they want to do. Is that what you’re asking?

Are you sometimes convinced of the correctness of your opinions about a subject even though you are not an expert?

Opinions aren’t facts. Opinions should be fluid, given new information. And opinions shouldn’t be formed without a certain quantity of information.

Why the fuck am I even bothering to explain this?

Do you often find yourself “going off in all directions at once”?

Yes. Every day at 15:28 MST, I explode.

Do your acquaintances seem to think more of your abilities than you do?

I think that depends on how well they know me. Also, possibly, their gender.

Is the idea of death or even reminders of death abhorrent to you?

Allow me to answer that question with a particularly violent and nasty killing….

Having settled an argument out do you continue to feel disgrunteld for a while?

Only if it was a particularly unsatisfying resolution.

Are you friendly in voice, attitude and expression?

Another question that seems more like a thing that’s supposed to be an instruction for the proctor.

Does life seem rather vague and unreal to you?

I think this test is designed to make life feel vague and unreal, what with all the ‘didn’t I just answer that?’ moments.

Do you often feel upset about the fate of war victims and political refugees?

Not that I’ve noticed. Then again, I haven’t noticed any war victims or political refugees recently, either. Didn’t I mention that I don’t keep up on the news?

Do “mere acquaintances” appeal to you for aid or advice in their personal difficulties?

Yes. But I won’t refer them to you.

If you lose an article do you get the idea that “someone must have stolen or mislaid it”?

Elves, actually. Little, tiny elves. Or possibly pixies.

Probably pixies. But not cute little things with shapely girl-bodies and wings. Oh no. These things are all horrible and toothy and evil. And you can’t really see them. And they sneak in just outside the range of your peripheral vision, and move stuff around.

Don’t go looking for them, though. If you see one, you’ll end up mislaid.

What, don’t believe me? Where do you think all those missing people went? They’re not prisoners in Disneyland’s Costumed Character Slave Stables. Oh no. Those bodies turn up. But the people who get ‘mislaid’? They never do.

If you thought that someone was suspicious of you and your actions, would you tackle them on the subject rather than leaving them to work it out?

If I had nothing better to do that day, I suppose I might.

Do you sometimes feel that your age is against you (too old or too young)?

Iunno. How old am I again? If you say ‘too old to be wearing that shirt with GIR on it, I’ll hurt you.

Do you have spells of being sad and depressed for no apparent reason?

I’m having ever-more-frequent spells of déjà vu….

Do you do much grumbling about the conditions you have to face in life?

When life gives you lemons, put them in a sack and beat the everloving shit out of life….

Do you consider you have many warm friends?

What, do you think I magically got some friends between question 25 and question 200?

So, here we are at the end. Finally. No more questions. And, no, I didn’t bother to number them. I’m not even sure if I got them all. And I don’t feel like going back through and checking, because, ih.

Before I continue with the rest of the pictures, though, here’s a list of all the questions, with the answers that give the highest possible score. I probably could’ve just copypasted that list, but…no. That’d be like stealing, and, therefore, quite wrong. This way, I put a bunch of effort into it, making it not quite as wrong.

I feel like they should also include something along the lines of:

By signing this, I consent to an investigation by Child Services into the matter of whether or not I’m a fit parent.

How nice of them. I totally never would’ve figured out how to refold it and send it back if they hadn’t put that box there. Also, yeah, copyright notice. Look at that. It applies — to their stuff only.

Believe me, it totally applies. Because I’m not retarded enough to claim any involvement with the creation of ‘noises off’.

I do notice that something is slightly…absent from the instructions, though….

They forgot to mention that they’re cheap bastards. So much for free.